Responding to emails

...and You Damn Kids Better Stay Off My Lawn!...

Had to complete that one for ya.... Sorry Tramp ;-)

BT

“The point is, why encourage people to send well written/well thought out e-mails if you're not going to open or acknowledge them?”

MandC, I couldn’t agree more. I understand completely what others have, and will, write concerning the various unimpressive emails they get and don’t respond to.

I also understand what Sorillo is getting at when he’s basically saying that there are infinite reasons that people have for not responding.

However, I agree with you 100% in that it is a completely jackass way of going about things to not dignify a dignified inquiry with a dignified (and timely) reply.

The sad truth is that this world is simply replete with jackasses and it seems to become more so with each passing day.

Lmao, just as I was writing this we got a message that consisted of "Hey". Anywho, we always will take CN's side because they're Nashville and we think they're cool. To the rest of the thread....we don't care if someone we have no interest in meeting thinks we're assholes. We are honest caring people to those we want to be around, everybody else is not our problem. We're not here to make you feel better about yourselves and let's face it, the only difference between no response and a polite no is how YOU feel about it. We're not responsible for the precious feelings of every individual who creates an sls account. And yes there is a difference between someone walking up and saying hi in person (which we would never ignore) and sending someone an unsolicited email on a swinger site. Answering one person's email might not seem like a lot of time to that one person expecting it but from our perspective answering all of them is a lot more time than you might think, especially considering our profile is open to single men.
On a side note...because this just happened ....if your profile consists of all of 3 sentances and you can't tell us more than the vaguest idea of what you're looking for and you don't share face pics onsite even though you have a paid account AND you want us to use some shady "text app" that isn't a 3 letter palindrome to communicate....yea we're done, you get no more messages, don't care how hot you are.

As part of a couple that leaves emails unread for periods of time, I'll share why WE leave them unread/unresponded to: If we haven't "read" the email, that means it's awaiting review by both of us. Either one (generally the Mr.) can send a "No Thanks", so those replies are swift. It takes both of us to respond positively. If the email sits unread for days, it means we're too busy with real life to talk about it right now.

The flip side, as Sorillo said, is they decided they weren't interested because you put two spaces after a period rather than one (or some other silly bullshit). Doesn't really matter what their reason is, they're not interested. By that you've learned all you need to know about them, specifically that they lack the common courtesy to reply to a thoughtful email. For us that's proof they're not going to be a good fit for us even if we did meet, as (from the sounds of it) would be the case for you two.

We can handle all of that. That's not our point.

The point is, why encourage people to send well written/well thought out e-mails if you're not going to open or acknowledge them?

I don't understand the problem. They might have looked at your profile with their Who Viewed Me function turned off, which means that they wouldn't come up on your WVM list. Based on that, they may have simply decided you weren't a match. Or they may have decided that your message wasn't enticing enough for their taste, or the distance was a problem, or they're not meeting people right now, or age, or hair color, or they only play with left-handed people etc.

You'll NEVER know the reason why, and for the most part you don't have any control over it. I've found that it's best for my well-being if I simply don't worry about the things that I have no control over. The things that you CAN control are your profile, your messages to others and your outlook and philosophy as you make your way through the LS. Work on those, get them built up to your satisfaction, and don't worry about the rest.

Here's what gets us shaking our heads: We come across a nice looking couple we'd like to meet, with a really well written profile, in an area not local but where we travel to frequently. Their profile says don't send an IM, and if you send an e-mail. send a well written one that shows you read their profile. We take the time to do that, and one week later there's no response and our e-mail says "Unread and unreplied" even we have seen them on-line several times.

We know you can read an email without opening it, but if they didn't open it, they didn't see the attached pic either.

Your partner was a smart man... Lol

“My theory is all the no drama people have tons of it in their lives and are firmly convinced it all stems from other people. They're wrong.“

A former business partner of mine said it best: if you ever feel like you’re surrounded by assholes, it’s probably not them, it’s you.

I will admit that we've been pretty lucky and haven't had a single couple come back and ask, "Why?" Every single case has been a SM and Yes, it pretty much ended nasty every single time I bothered to try to explain. One SM actually DEMANDED to talk directly with the Mrs as he felt he could convince her otherwise. I had no problem telling him where the dog died, then blocked him shortly after.

Y'know, every time I've received one of those "why not?" messages, it's been from someone who has a really sparse profile, has only one photo or less (and it's usually a terrible pic that tells you nothing about them), and messaged me with one or two really short sentences. If the sum total of profile, photos and messages tells me virtually nothing about them, it puts me in the position where I feel like I'm having to pry even the most basic info out of them to figure out if we're a match.

It's probably just the luck of the draw at my end. But from what I've observed, the "why not?" question often comes from insecurity, and is largely just setting the stage for the inevitable nasty, insulting message that's transparently a way of making themselves feel better about themselves by putting me down. I have no desire to play that game, so at that point if I respond to it at all (rare, anymore), I just say something like "you asked politely, and I declined politely. Let's just leave it at that and part on a friendly basis, yes?"

This can be really tough, especially if it's obvious someone read your profile and it's something they can't change, like their physical appearance. I remember when we first started out and we felt really emotional vulnerable, but you do develop a thicker skin as you gain experience and confidence. Still, I do try to be empathetic when turning anyone down in this case and try to do so in the nicest way possible. Something like, "Thank you for reaching out but we just don't feel like we're a good match."

Sometimes it's easy when you can clearly see someone is looking for something you're not interested in (i.e. girls start and guys join in). If it's
obvious someone didn't take the time to read our profile I have no problem pointing that out to them. It's part of the reason I DID take the time to create a fairly complete profile. If it bothers them, then perhaps next time they will take the time to read a profile first, but that's probably just me thinking crazy thoughts again.

After responding to an invite that we are not interested/no match often we are asked "why not" "is there a reason" "how come" this only validates our initial response of having weeded out any future drama. Why would you ask that as it screams how pathetic you are...we prefer confident over insecure. We are very diplomatic in our responses as we always answer back no matter what the answer is.

We should probably keep all of this to ourselves. The more we share about how to filter out the OhHellNo's, the better they can camouflage themselves.

AandJ: Spot on. "We aren't both interested", 'nuff said.

Right? My theory is all the no drama people have tons of it in their lives and are firmly convinced it all stems from other people. They're wrong.

I decided to stop responding to nonsensical emails. Single words, what looks like character code, anything without pronouns. It was just giving me a headache, so those no longer get answered.

We learned that pretty quickly CN

If they say No Drama, they ARE drama lol.

Truckers,

Although we always respond we never provide a reason for our negative responses other than we're not a match.

We learned very early on that providing reasons opened the door to what the other party thought was a negotiation. Frankly, we're not interested in creating a contract and negotiating playtime. Too much work and only creates tension.

Either that or they take our responses personally when they're not meant to be. Which just leads to drama. And always with those who specifically claim to be no drama in their profile.

But that's another topic...

While a no response is a response your the only one who knows your reasons and reactions. The sender has no idea maybe you read it and just were to busy to get back or it just got lost in a host of new emails. In swinging honesty is the best policy both with your partners you swing with and with potential contacts. If a person is not ready for the Honest responses he or she or they will get they probably are not completely ready for the lifestyle in my opinion and still have some work to do.

Personally I hate ghosting and no responses, we would much rather have a simple no thanks not interest or even better a polite and simple reason why we just couldn't work out. maybe it was something as simple as our profile and something we said on it that put someone off and we can fix that. Polite criticism is ok no need to come off as a jerk unless that is how you prefer to communicate but if that is the case your probably are not completely ready for the lifestyle in my opinion and still have some work to do. LOL

sorillo1000 writes the truth; "...it's just an EMAIL. We're not sending our children out into the cold reaches of space. It's a fucking EMAIL." and the fun should be the process of crafting your personal message.

Still, I try to be courteous, kind and thoughtful and we don’t reply to the garbage...like SemiSweet "We usually do not reply to unthoughtful messages - those where people clearly did not read anything in profile (age limits, play preferences, text..) and blindly send something to you.” and like TomandDiane "We reply to most e-mails that are politely written. Not the ones that simply are fishing for pics.”

Our no thank’s are traditionally genuine and thoughtful...like a customer service announcement from your appliance store “Thank you for your interest in our profile and your email. Our interests don’t sound alike at this time and we’re not ready for a compatibility check. We did read your profile, you sound like an awesome (fill on the blank) couple and we wish you success in your search.” Sincerely W writing for D & W

We usually do not reply to unthoughtful messages - those where people clearly did not read anything in profile (age limits, play preferences, text..) and blindly send something to you. Does not matter how many words or how polite is the message.

At the same time it is totally OK to receive 3 words email like "We match. Interested?". If we do match by profiles as people state, then yes, we are interested, and reply exactly that!

IMO if u think u are so special that u cannot give just a short response to someone else that took their time to say hi, u are an asshole. Of course if they are being rude or whatever I can understand. However if they just aren’t your type or whatever doesn’t warrant u to be an asshole.

SB

"We aren't both interested at this time" Doesn't say who wasn't interested, doesn't say why they weren't interested, and gives hope for the future. While the last might seem disingenuous, we have changed our mind at least twice. Just don't ask us twice, that's an insta-block the second time and we'll never change our mind there. Some things we can work with, but being pushy/rude isn't one of them.

So as a counterpoint...We're probably a lot different than many people in that we don't really feel the need to make everyone like us. In fact, our profile is specifically written to piss off the types we have no interest in playing with. We do however agree with Sorillos original eloquently stated opinion...no response IS a response. Having said that, for the most part we only ghost people who either obviously didn't read our profile or their profile indicates something, ie "no smokers, no bi men, we're looking for women" that is completely at odds with our own. If they can't be bothered to read and comprehend our profile then we feel no obligation to respond to them regardless of the politeness of their message.

I wouldn't expect less, but that's probably what you'll get.... Unfortunately most folks won't bother to reply.... If it makes you feel any better, it drives us insane also :-)