Exactly DNLB, which is why we only take certs to mean that people met, we make no assumptions about the quality of the encounter since if the cert weren't flattering, it would have been declined.
We do check certs of potential play partners but as we have stated before, it is just one tool, one metric if you will. While a few good certs won't be an automatic yes, there have been some certs that gave us pause, which ultimately led to a no.
~Scamp
RK: "has anyone ever seen a bad one"
You have to accept certs, we just don't. I doubt anyone would accept one with a negative tone-
For us, certs are generally the last thing we may look at, but we are also not looking for singles. I can see where and why they would be of more importance to SMs.
As a single male, I can tell you that certs matter. A lot of profiles state "If you are a SM, MUST have cert"
I guess there's a bunch of guys who fish for pics or BS around or aren't good lovers. I can imagine that for some people, knowing that this person has at least one other person willing to vouch, makes them seem a little more safe. I would think that a man would get a lot farther if they had 15 vs 0.
BUT... a lot of people won't leave a cert no matter what. They don't want to share who they've been with. Or have a list of reviews. Or whatever their personal reasons. I just know that for men, it is required from some singles/couples
We've deleted our certs a while back and no longer give them, we don't kiss and tell and we don't need someone to assume that we've interacted in a different manner than stated because of the verbiage. The final straw was meeting a couple who had researched us thoroughly and recounted their assumed version of our history based on on their perception of what was written, and had decided to avoid us because of our relationship (mostly incorrect) with a couple they didn't like. This was after they met us, albeit very guardedly, and realized that we were nothing like the picture they had painted of us. We're good friends now and laugh about it, but it would have never happened if they hadn't been willing to put aside preconceived notions and talk to us.
Again, this wasn't based on anything we said or did, but our supposed relationship with another couple that they had a negative experience with. And yes, we specified in our profile that we gave certs based on the fact that we had met and that the recipient was real, nothing more. You can't control what someone reads into a story, and having a negative experience can cause one to avoid an entire circle - birds of a feather, right?
We don't give or accept certs, and we only share memories with the people we made the memories with. If people want to find out if we're who we say we are we can discuss it on the phone like adults.
My wife says the same thing about certs...We do what we want,,,we don't need a score card ...we just want to meet nice couples and see what happens.
@4_real_couple, agreed, nothing like meeting people face to face, pictures can only take you so far, but fortunately we have not had any surprises yet, all couples we've arranged to meet have looked like their profile pictures...personalities are a different story, obviously no way to tell until you meet. As for making contact with certs to get insights on potential couples, that could go in all sorts of directions, discretion and delicacy is paramount when attempting such maneuver, BTW, we checked the profile of the couple that started this thread and from their updated profile and awesome cet they received, it looks like their first MFM encounter will not be their last, hopefully they will meet more respectful LS people and continue to hit it off, hats off to them! Max
Max,
If you get a cert, it would be nice to receive them as well. Although, the non descriptive certs that we get, are usually deleted over time. We have given more Certs than we get. It is probably because we've played with couples that refuse to play with smokers. Since we tend not to smoke at a party, when they read our profile, and see we've Cert'ed them, perhaps they don't want to Cert us back. Whatever.
We have helped out newbie couples by giving a Cert. Over time they never Cert'ed in return. We will delete the Cert we have given them.
We do keep the really good Certs that are well written.
Sometimes Certs are helpful, because you may know someone that Cert'ed a couple that you met online. It happened to us yesterday. A couple reached out to us, as we checked out their profile. When we responded, we said, BTW, we know so and so.
But really, we prefer to meet people at parties. IF the pics don't match, or if the pics match, they LOOK GOOD, but are like sticks in the mud, we move on. We like fun, funny, sexy people. That's difficult to gauge on line. But in person, you know right away if you are going to click with them.
Maximilian_Claire you are exactly right if one is accepted one should be given in return it is a two way street. We have not been on here long enough not have met enough members to be offered a cert. That said we would not accept one nor plan to give one. Outside of those who actually attend a party we are at and see us enter a room with someone else we don't think it is anyone's business who we have done things with. In fact even in that situation it is no one else's business but it is also not like anyone can or is hiding that fact. If we choose to get in contact and have fun in a more private setting it is just that private. BTW we already have made friends with folks on this site and hope to make more including people we just hang out with and have a few laughs. Some are people we already knew yet until we joined did not know they were in the lifestyle. Once again that is not anyone's business but our (or their) own. BTW we will admit to being somewhat jaded about this subject because years ago someone we used to go to parties (yet never played with) moved into our neighborhood (8 homes on a private road in the country). We found out later on because of a few issues with road maintenance and lack of participation they had vindictively spoken to other neighbors about our lifestyle choices. Thankfully they either did not care or refused to believe the source but we did get asked about it.
@RusticMagic, you have the option of accepting or rejecting a cert, I'm going to guess you receive them but respectfully decline, maybe even send them a note explaining why. So our earlier post was two fold- certs can be useful for some, useless to others (we find then useful, but with a grain of salt) but also while here I asked about reciprocity; if you accept a cert I think a cert in return is the least one can do, or am I dead wrong?
File us under the no certs category. It is no one else's business who we play with or who we know. Nor is it any of our business to know that about you. If that means to some people we are "not real" or "something is wrong with us" so be it. Aside from that just like a review on an item you plan to purchase how can anyone know what was said is truthful or in the case of something negative spiteful? We prefer to form our own opinion about someone and not rely on the opinion of others.
Yep. It's complicated. Certs are useful, but they're just one of many tools to figure out if a person or couple is compatible. Certs alone are not enough. They're probably most important for us SMs.
On the other hand, certs can be misleading sometimes. If you see a cert that's dated one day after they joined the site... yeah, I'd be suspicious. If you see a cluster of them all within a day or so, that's a good indicator of having attended a house party or meet and greet that may or may not have included play. Again, certs alone are not enough, they're part of a total package.
Certs...it's complicated. If we see a new profile with few certs, it's understandable, but if it's relatively new profile with a ton of certs, then the questions beg to be asked, but like another profile here said, a cert does not necessarily mean you played, could have been just a memorable meet. We graciously accepted our first cert from the party hosts and reciprocated, we also sent a cert to a great couple and they in turn sent us their cert. But we have also sent out certs to party hosts, dinner companions and play dates but have not received anything in return (our certs to them were received and accepted BTW). I would like to think we made a nice enough impression to at least warrant a cursory 'Yep, they're real" cert? Hate to sound like a cry baby but...love to hear everyone's 2 cents on this.
I thought it was nice and helpful that couples gave me certs since I was new to the LS. Some were people I spent private time with some I didn’t. Once I was invited to a house party based on a host knowing one of the couples who certified me and I’ve since been back a few times to their home and met really nice people so I was grateful for them. I do look at other people’s especially SM, I’m definitely more likely to choose a SM with a certs from someone I know.
We were just kidding. But, we need to get to GA some time. ;)
R&K, You're a full swap couple? How did we miss that. ;)
I find it a riot that folks will write to me and ask why I have no certs. A follow up is usually accusatory with....” you must not be real”. I laugh.
If a profile has certs or no certs; I still do my own vetting.
Yes Certs is a tool like any other part of a profile, judge it as just a point of reference no different as weight and age when a guy says he is 40 looks 58, 180lb but has a 30lb beer gut, 5'9" and my 5'7" wife looks eye to eye at him if the cert reads "this is long over due,____ was a gentlemen and we had a great time meeting him can't wait to get together again". Which almost seems to be a generic response for all certs...do not put too much judgement either way.
It's also nice to see who they know. Many times we know common people.
We're like Scamp. We use certs as a tool. However, we aren't real big on them for ourselves. We've met couples, and single men, who don't have certs, or only have one or two. We can't drop everything to meet people so I think that helps weed out a lot of undesirables.
I looked at your profile. No certs, only two photos - both are three or four years old, and you've never done this before. Not that you will, but, the guy could be thinking you might flake. If you've found someone who is certified and you both like, by all means, meet him. But I wouldn't pass on someone who fits what you're looking for just because he doesn't have a cert.
Good luck.
Re: Scamp
I, the male half, agree with you on your point too. I used to rely on certs until I found people would be "nice" with their certs- As I have been guilty of as well, only to get burned after all you would accept a "truthful" very lol. So now, don't even consider them and have deleted our own.
Certs are just one tool we use to verify the validity of a profile. If the profile is sparse with few pics and no certs, it’s an easy pass. No certs but lots of pics and a well written profile? We will engage and see where it goes.
We also judge based on who the certs are from. One generic cert may well be from a duplicate profile.
No certs isn’t a dealbreaker but we find them useful.
~Scamp
Re: RonandKathy
Touche
I'm a cert snob, but it's all about the time. If you joined sls in the last 2 years and don't have a cert, I'll give you a chance. If you've been on here longer than that, and nobody gave you a cert, there's probably a reason. Same with those people who claim they don't accept certs. I assume they are lying and there's a reason they can't get one. I judge people by their certs, and I know I'm not alone in that sentiment.
OP: Place yourself in that SM’s shoes first; you are being contacted by someone without certs and how you feel about taking a chance on someone without certs. One with certs can flake out the same as one without being a fake. Everyone starts with zero, some stay zero intentionally. It does take some form of trust in either situation to proceed.
~Allen
