Real connection?

For us, the 20 people will usually yield 2 or 3 that are interested. Of those, we'll usually get to meet 50% of them, and if we get to the point of actually meeting, it's easily 50% or better that we'll wind up playing.

Biggest thing that gets in the way for us is simply schedules. Just trying to find a date/time that works for both can be tough. We had a case where we had one couple we were supposed to meet and their babysitter flaked at the last minute. We still haven't me them, but there's little doubt we'd play if/when we do.

It also makes a big difference on which way the communication is going. If we get a message from an interested couple and they look and sound decent, in most cases we're probably at better than 50% that we'll meet and play. Only snag there is when we get the message and it's the guy and says that he needs to talk to the Mrs first. Probably 80% of those are what I suspect are wishful thinkers and I don't usually hear back.

You'd think it would be way easier to meet and play, but it's simply not. That's why we also don't put a huge effort into meeting people online. If it happens and works out, great, but normally parties is where we meet most of our new playmates.

Clubs have been our best bang (pun intended) for the buck thus far. In person is where both of us shine, and we can leverage our charisma. Plus, clubs and events preselected for a crowd that is trying to get it in.

Chatting and messaging is a low effort low return endeavor for us. I'd say maybe for every 20 people we message, maybe 1 responds positively, 1 replies that they aren't interested, and the rest are unresponsive. Of the positive responses maybe 10% amount to a meet up.

To cut down on endless chat sessions; if you're not interested in meeting, don't carry on a chat. "I'm really not into online chatting with people that I don't think are a good fit, it's just not something I'm interested in"
Get out to clubs on "meet'n'greet" nights or kink nights, those are usually best for people trying to meet other people on a closer level.

"She was in a vanilla relationship when we met and he showed her what was missing" (loosely quoted) if she was still with the husband, just delete that. The cheating aspect can be a turn off for some and reflects badly on him. "He'll poach someone else's wife, can't really trust him with mine"

Both of you being bi; unfortunately, there's still a stigma attached to that and there are many straight men don't like playing with bi-males for some reason or another. Some straight men take a pass just to avoid potwntilly awkward situations in the bedroom. Not saying it's right but a reality.

Your profile, it's a bit clunky. I'd get a review (most are overly blunt, but they're just trying to help) and revamp it a bit.

Definitely feast and famine!

We agree with calcan.. meet in person quickly and if the chemistry is there and all are on same page.. its off to our home or hotel. We do not like wasting time with endless chats, exchanging photos, etc.. we have seen way to many fakes and wannabees on SLS including in person whose wife had no idea why she was at a meet.. even before we "all" meet we now talk with ALL parties too !

Yes we too are here for some fun times and sex.. not an endless conversation!

We'll chime in as a couple that has never been to a party or club, and despite that, have had some success. We can't tell you about those venues because we've never been interested in them and haven't participated. But in the one-on-one connections, we've gotten pretty adept at sussing out people for their true worth. The ones worth meeting. Pretty sure it's a similar situation at the parties/clubs, but perhaps with less noise/nuisance/distractions surrounding. We're picky. Search out what we like. Meet. Have fun. Initial chat is key. Get to know the person/people. Make sure whom you're chatting with is legit. Cut to the chase early. Make it known what you're after and make sure they're ok with it too. Make sure you know their boundaries. Then, if all seems good, meet soon. Don't endlessly chat. Make it happen. Rip the band-aide off and find out if there is true chemistry before wasting anymore time.

Cliquey is an odd concept. If you just sit there maybe they think YOU aren't interested. If you are outgoing and routinely rejected then that may be a factor.

It sometimes takes a while for people to see you as real. 2-3 three parties with little or no action would not be all that strange.
Tips :

Smile, laugh, people like being around others who enjoy life.
Make eye contact , smile especially return smiles.
Help with the work of a party. No one ever turns down help. Picking up litter, keeping the food orderly, wiping spills, all these are noticed and appreciated.( The first time I did that garnered several hugs, a kiss and getting my ass grabbed. I was the only guy helping ten women get set up. I was seen as real almost instantly.)
Let people witness how much you love your spouse. When you are together be affectionate. PDA's are golden. They show that you are both into this together, and both into your relationship.

To answer the original question: You just have to keep trying. We are on this site and another one. For a while, we were very active in a local club and tried some house parties and a hotel takeover. Trying just one avenue for building contacts is not enough. At clubs we have tried both ideas: being shy and sitting at a table and then other times the outgoing people introducing ourselves to others. Doesn't really matter. Also understand your "cliquey" term. Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don't. Gradually, we have built up a list of people we can repeat with and that helps when you're looking for some fun.

A lot of times at parties, if we see a couple just kind of sitting there by themselves we will try to engage them. Some are just naturally shy. We've done that before and, after talking a bit asked if they wanted to play and have gotten, "Sure, we'd love to." Many just want someone that can carry on a nice conversation and that they can see themselves as being friends with.

As HB mentioned, there are different agendas at parties but most go to meet people and engage in some sort of play. The worst that can happen if you ask someone is they say No, but there are shy people just hoping someone will engage them and ask them to play.

This all may seem like common sense, but that's not as common as it's name implies and can get easily overruled by fear of rejection.

The other place common sense "should" come into play is when you've finished playing. Some just get dressed and leave, seemingly making it clear that they got what they wanted and have no desire for any sort of bond of friendship. That is just poor etiquette, at best.

We used to ballroom dance and if I asked a woman to dance, when the dance was over the proper thing to do was to walk her back to where she was sitting. You are there to dance so it is expected that you will be dancing with other people, but you don't drop them like a hot potato after a dance and you DEFINITELY shouldn't be doing that with someone you just did a horizontal Rumba with ;-)

Parties, as mentioned, can be feast or famine just depending on who shows, atmosphere, etc. However, as alluded to, you have to be proactive when going to LS venues regardless of what they are. People naturally tend to talk to people they know and that may come off as a clique. However, you may be seen as snobbish, standoffish, etc. because you don't actively engage other couples. We have gone to parties and talked, danced, and not played because every couple we talked to was looking for a different type of play than us. We have also gone to parties and not really done much other than play, eat, play, and play some more. Be positive, patient, and proactive. Good luck.

gotta say that the word "cliquey" can also be defined as "we're sitting here at our hotel table and no one is talking to us, it must be them".

JoeNAngelBhamAL,

We basically agree with RonKathy when they wrote, "your profile photos are terrible and juvenile at best" even though you actually have only one photo and it's -- as they said -- a selfie done in your undies. Hardly attractive!!

In addition, you wrote in your Profile, "We want to share our sex lives with other deserving people." Other deserving people? Really? That kind of (seeming) arrogance alone is enough to make us close your Profile without reading the rest of it.

The lifestyle can be hard sometimes. In some places the community can be welcoming, in others, it can just be non-existant. Geography also has an impact on how couples think. Many couples are investigating the lifestyle or are new to it, so it does not take much to get cold feet. New couples are also easily scared off by very experienced swingers, and vice versa.

Be patient...and don't have a scarcity mindset. You don't have to play with the first couple that wants to, there will always be others. Finding the 4-way connection is a difficult thing...the real unicorn in the lifestyle.

Hang in there....

-Adam
Swinging Outside the Lines

The weekend before last we had a full weekend of fun planned and all of it got cancelled because the Mrs was still not over her cold yet (took 3 weeks). This last Fri morning we essentially had no plans and it wound up being a trifecta weekend (played Fri, Sat, and Sun). At least the pendulum swings both ways at times ;-)

We've gone through streaks of feast & famine at times & have had decent success meeting through the site. We have a core group of couples now that we get together with on a semi-regular basis. We've also met couples at meet & greets, clubs & house parties through mutual friends. Takes some time & patience.

Good luck seems to come and go for us. We'll get on a streak for a few months with lotsa play and then it follow with a few months of nothing. Then back on again. It seems to cycle for us.

Lately we seem to be on a marathon streak of bullshitters and that gets REALLY frustrating . It'll change around someday.

Different parties can definitely have different vibes. Even the same party on a different night can be like that. If by "hotel party" you meant a take-over, we found lots of people that appeared to just want to party (rather than play) and see and be seen. Again though, it could have just been that particular party on that particular weekend.

If you have other choices (house parties, clubs, etc) perhaps give them a shot. If the party has an RSVP list, you can try reaching out to people of interest in advance. Feast and famine is definitely a thing too. Happens to most of us at times.

We've been on the site nearly 3 months, and the first two months were, as you said, a lot of talk and nothing more. Then all of a sudden, we met and played with 4 awesome couples in the span of 9 days! It could just be luck or coincidence... it does seem to be feast or famine. Sometimes it takes a lot of ground work, then it all comes together at once... One thing that we would suggest is to make some hot date posts. This can either find people in your area that you hadn't considered, or it can give some immediate motivation to people you have already been talking to.

Kinda frustrated. Lots of messages, lots of talk, zero follow through. We tried the hotel party scene and found it cliquey and unwelcoming. How do you find real people who really want to play?