Newbies

Yeah... because it's super fun to be physically intimate with an emotionless robot.

Beyond what was mentioned, there are experienced couples that are just in it for themselves and there are experienced couples that are looking to actually help someone other than themselves. Unfortuntely, a newbie may not be able to tell the difference between the two in an online conversation with an experienced couple.

In my messages/birds? There is a man holding an axe.

Just a thought for anyone new, perhaps holding a weapon is not a good first impression.

"...I'm finding myself in a conflict that's probably common to singles, how not to catch feelings for a playmate."

I started in the lifestyle as a single, but I'm not sure I have standing for this because my relationship needs are much smaller than a need for touch. However, I do have a question and comments about this. So, first, what's wrong with having feelings for playmates? Not the kind that are the conventional 'I must spend my time with you and maybe never have sex with anyone again,' not least because some of that can be the result of internal slut shaming, but the kind that says you really like someone. I spent the better part of my first two years in then lifestyle fucking the same two guys (others too, mostly couples, but I saw each guy a couple times a month and still have very fond feelings for them), along with other people I would see regularly before we drifted apart.

With couples it's a little trickier, unless you're attracted to both of them. I dated a couple for about a year and it was great (until it wasn't) and had regular playdates with other couples that included dating type adventures.

"Not to mention is it possible to find a forever love as a single swinger?"

Sure. I met my partner, who I plan on keeping forever, through SLS. Also, no regrets about the shorter relationships I had with people I met as a swinger.

Also, I can't imagine why anyone would ignore you on your own merits, so just assume you were at the wrong party with the wrong people. Were there single men at the party?

"Not to mention is it possible to find a forever love as a single swinger?"

Yes. We met as SF and SM on another lifestyle site. There are others on this site who have as well.

Your experiences mentioned here are not all that unusual.

Although some people in the LS are averse to interacting with newbies, we've acted as mentors, chaperones or whatever you wish to call it by escorting (chaperoning?) SFs to their 1st lifestyle events including hotel takeovers. We understand what you're saying. we've seen it several times before.

:-)

Shorty: Good for you. Take a big bite out of this apple!

Shorty_Paula - "None of that would have happened if I didn't take the chance and step out of my comfort zone."

Usually, the biggest obstacle to someone living out their fantasies is themselves. If you're like us, after a while you won't even know what you were so afraid of.

IMHO, it's OK to have feelings for your playmates, especially after you get to know them a bit. So long as they're positive feelings and not jealousy/anger. If you were in a relationship, it can get a little more complicated but there are many different kinds of feelings. For example, there are feelings you have for a close friend, a parent, and even a pet, but these are not the same feelings you have for a mate.

Since you don't currently have a mate, you don't have to worry about whether your feelings for someone are coming between you and them.

It's hard to explain, but the LS was like a huge relief for me. I was not a huggy sort of guy before I met my wife. Close friendships with another woman other than my wife scared me. Now, if that closeness was with a LS friend, I know I can go with it up to and inluding sex and feelings without it having any negative impact on our relationship. In 11 years, I've never had the feelings evolve into infatuation with another women. It has just made me appreciate the one I have all the more.

If anything, these feelings result in a closer bond between the Mrs and I because we both know that others may not allow us to do something that we've come to enjoy so much. I probably didn't do this explanation justice, but hopefully you get the idea.

Fraun: Wow, how kind of you, thank you!

I have been getting inundated for sure! Those are excellent questions that I find myself asking already.

First, I'm finding myself in a conflict that's probably common to singles, how not to catch feelings for a playmate. I find myself jealous of the happily married couples on here and around me. After an encounter, or when I start chatting too much with a single man, I don't have that life partner to distract/divert my attention and help me refocus. After two single men, one who caught feelings for me and one I could catch feelings for; it feels wise to pause single-single interactions for a period of time. I'll need to dig into the forums and podcasts for advice on how to overcome the hazard of catching feelings! Not to mention is it possible to find a forever love as a single swinger?

The second question: they already have started changing! Lol. I find I've practically thrown out men all together in my desire to explore my bi sexuality. All of a sudden if I get a couple request it's all about the wife! If she doesn't make me wet upon first view, it's a no-go. Just 45 days ago it was about if I was turned on by the male half.

I'd like to share one interesting revelation. I was invited to a suite event, but all details were so frustratingly vague! Including what to wear. . So I went all out and went to a sex shop for something 'more comfortable' to wear at the party. I started looking at satiny slips and the attendant put me in a room. Of course my choice was a total failure as she probably suspected. When I asked her for something else, I had a black lace chemise with a totally open front and chains and no back except the garter strap. I'd gone in with a rose colored nightie! I modeled it and ended up buying it along with various finishing touches. By the night of the party I walked into the suite on an 8 degree night with a plaid poncho with fur trim and fringe, thigh highs, and a brimmed fisherman's cap ala Pretty Woman vibes. When the poncho came off it was straight Bad Bitch the whole night!

I never would have chosen something like that for myself. I never would've tried it at all if I hadn't "snuck" into the sex shop; not once but four times!

Being new is scary, I almost didn't go to the party actually out of fear. I had a miserable time while I was there. I WAS ignored the entire night, I had two ass slaps and a woman attempt to kiss me before she passed out. Nothing else except a huge dose of sexual frustration!!!
But I got to put faces to my hobby and confirm they are real normal people like me. Even a coworker at the party! I got numbers and I've been talking to a few people since. I'm going to my first MnG this weekend with no play allowed at a vanilla club, another suite event the weekend after and I'm working towards attending my first full hotel takeover at the end of the month.

None of that would have happened if I didn't take the chance and step out of my comfort zone. My swinger life would be over before it started if I'd given in to my anxiety and fears.

So for all the excellent advice on here thank you all of you. Even the requests for showing my titties! Y'all helped me step into the lifestyle and want more. ????

Sexyhotwife- you would do better if you check the events section on here for hot dates, parties and clubs. And use search to find others.
Forums are great for advice, but terrible at finding a playmate.

Hi everyone! We are a Hotwife-Stag couple interested in BBC. We are new to this lifestyle. We currently desire to start creating friendships with like minded couples sharing our similar lifestyles through stories/experiences - verbally over drinks, dinner, meet at clubs, hang out at events, etc.. ??. Please let us know if you’re looking for more LS friends in Michigan (Coldwater area). Have a great evening!

SHORTY: Congrats on your journey to fitness. When we responded to your first post you had only one photo. Now that you have more pics on here...we can say a bit more.

You look great! And your kind and sweet personality shines through in your messages. We predict when you "get out there," you're gonna be swamped by men, women, and couples who want to become friends with you. You'll soon have an embarrassment of riches.

Your challenge, about which you may want to think about now, is to answer the questions:

-What do you want out of the lifestyle?

-What form of relationships do you seek?

It's ok to change your mind, as most of us do. We think you'll have a fun time and have line of people wanting to date you. Have fun! You might need some red bull pretty soon.

Hi all! Sorry for going dark, I'd been setting up some interviews. ??

You're all so helpful and supportive about starting out, especially as a single woman. I'm so thankful for the few posters who pm'd me also. One gentleman give me amazing encouragement and I'm holding onto it throughout this entire time of in person meets and a playdate or two.
If I were married or coupled, I would have the assurance at least one man there would play with me! I guess we're our worst critics.

I'm finding that when my interested party and I sit down and talk he gets so charmed by my personality and looks that he never seems to mind the size of my pear! I've been with two men now, the real test is when he calls me back to set up another playtime!

I think part of my insecurities have been knowing how I'm formed and what I've put my body through over the decades!

I have a well rounded ass indeed, my real asset are my thighs and hips! They're huge but for all the wrong reasons. I'd always carried my weight in my lower half so when I got to 350 pounds, had gastric bypass and continued to lose weight over the years all that excess skin firmed up through diet and exercise, but to be truly smooth again like presurgery I'd require skin removal surgery.

I love my present body, current broken ankle exception of course, and I've got confidence in my skills and abilities. My biggest fear will be when the man/men lusting after my looks from the front and side see me from the rear and continue lusting! Lol

Oh the things we put ourselves through! Now I'm rambling, so I'll end with my gratitude and thanks for all the support from the veterans of our hobby. I'm gaining insight each time I'm on here.

ShortyPaula,

Fraunhubby are wise, listen to their advice. Find some way to reduce your stress levels is the key to enjoying yourself.

The advice we give to people who are going to their first club is to go with the intention to NOT play. Just go to socialize and get acclimated to the scene. The truth is that once you’re there and see friendly people, and see bodies shaped like yours, it’s pretty easy to relax.
You’re going to love it!

ps- nice butt!

Shorty_paula: I bet everyone on sls understands your apprehension about going to a party. But at parties you're more likely to meet and chat with many people, raising your chances of a connection significantly. As many folks on sls fora will tell you, digital messaging and browsing are poor substitutes for actually meeting people. And most lifestylers don't mind a lady watching and enjoying the show they're putting on.

Our sincere advice for you regarding parties, meet n greets, hotel takeovers, and so on is this: Go and relax. Don't expect anything to happen. Meet and chat with people with no expectations. Be open and friendly. Don't worry about playing with anyone.

You'll have a great time and feel little to no stress. Enjoy it and you'll likely attract the type of people who like you.

We felt the same as you when we started. Lowering the stress you place on yourself will make the lifestyle fun.

Welcome to the Forum Shorty!

It's customary for the newbie female Forum participant to flash their boobies and give a blowjob to the 1st person who officially welcomes them to the Forum.

Mrs. G and I are also willing to share other bits with you.

;-)

Shorty Paula- If I wasn't over 1,000 miles away and older than who you are looking for, I would not hesitate to pick you based on the photos in your profile.
There will always be someone who rejects you. Forget about them and concentrate on the ones who like you.
Have you ever tried a swing club? I think you will be surprised to see how much you look like everybody else.
I haven't tried a house party yet but from what I can tell they tend to be a smaller group than you get at a club, so you will probably find most people are of the same age and body type as those are the only ones that they invite. But the good news is, with a house party you usually have to know someone and they invite you so they wouldn't invite if they thought nobody would choose you.
Finally, why couldn't you find someone in the BDSM or kink lifestyle for a threesome? I would think if you are experienced in that lifestyle it would be easy.
I go to muches because there aren't any socials or meet and greets or house parties near me. At least this way I get to meet people even if they would rather suspend you from the ceiling naked and flog you than have sex with you.

As a new single I'm hanging on every word here, I have such fondness for members willing to share bits or suggests of advice.

I really have no clue if I'll be able to follow through on a date or not. Honestly, my biggest fear is going to a party and no one choosing me!

I may not look my age WITH my clothes on, but I do when I'm stripped down and sharing my body for full view!

Honestly, that likely won't stop me for too long either. Once I figure out how to avoid being the only ugly duckling at the party I'll likely be right in the middle of it all!

Travelers: Welcome. We think you'll have a lot of fun. Here is some of our advice.

Talk candidly with your spouse about what you both want erotically, in friendship terms. and in partners.

Set some goals but also be open to new experiences. We think this is most of the excitement of the lifestyle: the new and unknown.

Rules or redlines are ok. We have jettisoned most of our "rules" since we started. Sounds slutty of us, but many of them are not needed by either of us now.

Online contacts are ok but move quickly to meet people in real scenarios. That's where you'll make new connections and likely fast friends.

Re-connect often with your spouse and discuss problems, challenges, and feelings...and also of course share the many joys, fun new sensations, and things you've learned. This is about joy and fun.

Realize both of your desires and experiences may drift from your original thoughts, and that's ok. Our certainly have and we revel in that.

Above all enjoy this!

Even though we still consider ourselves new to this we have had the pleasure of several positive experiences. I can't say if there will ever be a time when we feel we are adequately experienced to use that label on ourselves. However, things are coming to us easier now. We just got back from 10 days at Desire Pearl and meeting other couples just came so naturally this time. Maybe it was experience or maybe it was the tequila.
Frank

One thing that we've found true, both for us and others, is people really don't know how they'll feel about the LS until after they've actually experienced it. It's a good sign when people go in thinking that they will really enjoy seeing their mate having fun with someone else, but the reality of doing it can be different.

Most times it works out the way people think it will, but there are those times when the green eyed monster comes out. This is likely one of the main fears dealing with newbies.

Ironically, when it happened to us, the problem was with the experienced women of an older dating couple. She had no problem being in the LS with her ex because she apparently didn't really love him, which was at least partly why he was the "ex". I'm not sure that any amount of chatting would have uncovered this. He was the one without experience and was loving it, but she couldn't handle seeing him having fun with another woman.

Our first full swap was not good. It wasn't bad enough to scare us from the LS, but it affected us. At a mimimum, you are at least afftected by your life experiences. We think ours help us fill the needed role of introducing newbies to the LS. Everyone has to start someplace.

People tend to always remember their first, and it's nice that people remember us so fondly for that very reason. We have many wonderful LS friends to show for our efforts, even though we have ample opportunity to play with just experienced people. In addition to helping many super-charge their sex life, the LS has also done the same for ours.

I can certainly understand why experienced people would avoid newbies.
I can't think of any way that you can try this lifestyle to see if it is for you or not, before you meet someone to play with.
How is a guy supposed to know if he can perform while the husband is watching him with his wife?
How is a wife supposed to know she wants to watch her husband with another woman?
I think it is unfortunate that few want to help newbies, but I can certainly understand why that is.

“ once in a while I'll be pleasantly surprised by a 'newbie' who takes the plunge at a party / orgy”

There’s a huge difference between meeting at a party vs meeting for a couple2couple date.

We have no problem meeting newbies for drinks and a chat, but we’re very reluctant to play until we get to know them very well.

"I have friends who enjoy seeking out newbies and enjoy the hand holding, patience, high maintenance, and constant pursuit. More power to them."

My bff is quite proud of the number of women for whom she has been their first; I'm horrified by even the thought. The more experience the better, please and thank you.

And yet if we met people I liked and felt comfortable with, there would be no pursuit, but I certainly would be happy for us to be chat/dinner buddies while they got a few experiences out of the way.

BTW - I think we are also in an age range where other people around our age reach a point and just say, "Fuck it. Lets do this." ;-)

We have had VERY good luck with newbies. It doesn't take too many messages to weed out the couples where both aren't on the same page. For example, there are guys that wish their wife felt like them about getting into the LS. We don't rule them out, but I will hold off on meeting them until if/when they are both on the same page.

For us, sex is just one of many fun things to do with people, so we have fun if we play or not. More often than not, because there isn't that pressure to play, we find that newbies feel comfortable with us fairly quickly and WANT to play with us.

I think the larger effort, which is actually fairly minimal, is to follow up with them AFTER we've played and reassure them that we still wish to continue with contact and friendship. We are quick to make friends, and slow to lose them, as well as being easy to talk to.

I also think newbies like the fact that we are otherwise very average. They don't feel intimidated by us. I think they kind of look at us like, "Hey, if they can do this, so can we."