Couple of things. First, your profile says you’re straight, but you’ve repeatedly said you’re bi in your forum posts. Second, you seem to be worried about your wife finding out. Does she not know about your SLS profile? Has she not read your forum posts? How are you running a couple’s profile without any input from your wife?
OP I just read your profile.
First, your wife is lovely. I know because there are 16 photos of her. And one of you. And yet, you explicitly say in your profile that you require more than one photo of others. A bit hypocritical.
Your profile is extremely defensive. And not the least bit appealing. We’ve all had bad experiences on here. Rise above them and be more positive.
As for your preferences, you like what you like. No one faults you for it. But there’s definitely more positive ways to say it. Instead of yelling about what you don’t want, repeatedly, talk about what you like and enjoy.
It needs work. Err on the side of being more positive.
~LMK~
Hey there's nothing wrong with being selective in this lifestyle. But there's a problem when you take one for the team and this could be very uncomfortable. Accepting rejection is part of being in this lifestyle Just a thought..
OP's profile is a turn off for sure. But they have multiple certs, so meeting people isn't an issue, I guess. It sounds like they're looking for friends outside of a club setting, and they are struggling with that. If they, or specifically he, is anything like he seems online, I can see why they don't have friends outside a club.
Also, OP states they don't like liars. Who does? He seems to be dishonest himself. His stats say he is straight but his posting history says otherwise. IMO, there are red flags all over the place.
I am not slender.
I do not have a problem with someone who says they only want slender.
It is just a preference , and I move on.
But, I don't need to be told 10 different times in 10 different ways that you only want slender people.
Vaccinated. Again, say it once. You believe the vaccine works. You believe everything the government has told you about the virus. Many do not belive what the government says and they have proof to support their argument. You don't want to hear it, fine. Your preference. But saying your partners must be vaccinated repeatedly sounds more like you want to fight about it.
I get the impression from your profile that you are the same way in person, meaning you do not want 90% of the people in a club to even look at you because they are below your standards.
Again, that is your preference and I am not saying you are wrong, but you have to understand that the majority of people in the world are not going to fit into your preference.
You can try finding a club that only has the type you are looking for. Usually referred to as upscale. They won't let you in unless you are built like a fashion model.
As for making friends in your personal life, that usually only occurs after a lot of meetings with the same person and they learn to trust you. And they like you. A lot of people only want to be with you once, even if they like you. That is just part of the lifestyle.
As for making friends, private clubs and house parties are usually better than clubs because most people do not socialize at a club, but they do at house parties and private clubs. Clubs tend to be a faster pace.
As for making friends, just start by talking about the weather or if you like what they are wearing, tell them. It builds from there.
You can also try the book " how to make friends and influence people".
I agree that a more positive approach would be best. For example the profile rails against folks who you perceive lie about their weight. However in the stats Jean is listed as 120lbs and in the text of the profile she is listed as 115lbs. That is the kind of things that folks pick up on and rub them the wrong way. If you are only looking for slender folks state that in a more positive way such as saying something like "she is small and light and appreciates someone who wont crush her". I also agree that making a political statement may just lead to others making one in return. The general tone is one of being judgemental. Both Nina and I are what can be classified as disabled or if you prefer the term differently abled. One of the things that attract us to the LS is how most folks are non-judgemental. If your profile was the first we ever read I think we would turn tail.
However at the end of the day, it is your profile to do what you want with.
Frank
First off, I’m not at all suggesting you change your standards for swing partners. You want what you want, and that’s fine. Also, I don’t find your preferences outlandish…I actually agree with most of them. Your profile, however, is ridiculously negative, defensive, repetitive, ranting and rude. If you’re projecting that same mindset vibe at clubs you’re not going to make many friends. Odds are it’s not helping you here on SLS either. Nobody wants a preachy lifestyle televangelist-type at their party.
Back to the original question, though….I agree with Mayhem that you need to make some first moves at clubs. To break the ice, just tell the truth – you’re new there. If the people you approached are also new, you now have something in common to talk about. If they’re not new, ask them more about the club, etc. Either way, you’ve gotten away from your wallflower fortress.
Remember, you’re not obligated to hook-up with someone just because you talk to them! Relax your defenses and talk to people even if they have beards, tattoos or an extra 20 pounds. They’re not your type…and, again, that’s fine…but they might have a group of friends, and some of those folks might fit your criteria.
A lot of this is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes. It is apparently not a common skill. If you're at a party/event and thinking that it would be nice if people would just come over and talk to you, it's likely that others are thinking the same. If you can think like that, you are more likely to reach out and actually meet people, which is what the OP is having a problem with.
IMHO, being introverted is at least in some part a fear of rejection. Nobody likes rejection, so it's pretty natural for people to avoid situations where it can happen and then label themselves as introverted (i.e. wall flowers).
If you're unable to look at things through the eyes of others at parties, it's no surprise that you can't look at your profile and ask, "What do others think when they read this?". Normally at a party/event, this won't even come into play, which is the great thing about parties. However, if you are RSVPing to a party via SLS and the invite list is public, your profile may matter. I know that I will check out attendees in advance if I can.
Why not give yourself every chance to succeed? Would you want to engage someone in a conversation if you had reason to believe that they are going to repeat over and over again what they do and don't like or that it's going to be all about them?
If the goal is to become more extroverted so you can meet new swinger friends, focusing on what others may think and want is a big step in that direction. If you can do this, it's way more likely you'll find and make new friends.
FWIW - It's also sounding like the female half is having no problems meeting people but the male half is. Kind of the nature of the beast, but if you focus on just starting and having a regular conversation (i.e. like a grocery store checkout line conversation), then that will help a lot. Most people just want someone that they can have a nice conversation with that isn't all about the sex. Make that the goal and the sex/friends part will likely take care of itself in time.
@midage I would suggest you attend House Parties and meet and greets. You could find all kinds of nice people there. I am not going to pass judgment on your profile you both are adults. :)
midagehippie - I only glanced at your profile before posting, but if you do reach out to people online, I apologize in advance for being so blunt but your profile comes across as a long and very repetitious rant.
At an event, your profile won't matter if there is no online RSVP list for people to check out your profile prior to attending, but if there is, it gives reason for people to steer clear of you IMHO. You also have full face shots, which isn't a bad thing, but it does allow others to pick you out of the crowd. It could explain why people may be reluctant to engage you in a conversation.
It is certainly OK to have standards and preferences, but it is not working in your favor, for example, to repeat that you're only interested in slender people literally 10 times. Also, your profile is all about the sex (i.e. no other interests listed). If you come across like this at events, that will tend to not work in your favor.
There is a forum topic for Better Profiles. It wouldn't hurt to take a look at it and get some ideas for changes to yours, or if your brave, ask for some help there like you did in this thread. I'm not saying this to be mean as I really do like to see people be successful at and enjoy the LS.
midagehippie - Your dilema is the reason that many will say that they need a drink or two to loosen up. I see from your profile that you both drink, and you can definitely do so without having to get smashed. I personally see nothing wrong with a drink or two to help relax the nerves as you get more experience.
One of the things we find at any party is that our conversation is more often than not about common interests besides sex. It helps people feel comfortable with you and vice versa. Once that happens, the friends with benefits part is more likely to just happen. Also, just as you are there to try to find fun people to play with, keep in mind that others are there to do the same.
I otherwise have no magic formula to convert you from an introvert to an extrovert. I think this is just something that you'll need to work on over time. If the event you're attending has an online RSVP list, you can try reaching out to couples attending that interest you. Many find this easier to do than to start a conversation cold in person and it sort of greases the skids so to speak for continuing the conversation at an event.
FWIW - Even with experience, coming out and asking at some point, "Would you be interested in playing?" gets only marginally easier. It does help to keep in mind that is why many people are at a LS event, but there are those that are just there to see and be seen and/or only play with each other, so you can wind up getting a "No thank you" response. Look at it this way though. If nobody asks, there is a 100% chance that you'll not find friends that you can actually play with.
First, clean up your profile a bit. It is too repetitive, but you’re asking about non-party interactions/ LS friends. Keep in mind that it may not look like flirting in public etc. Generally, most couples who hang out in public spaces will appear to be vanilla to onlookers. Discretion is a big deal for most couples. If they think you might do something that would get them in trouble they will shy away from meeting outside of a party or club setting.
Another issue is that you seem to express strong opinions. You are political in your profile. Many like the LS as an escape from the day to day drone of things and that includes politics. We want to leave the day to day drama behind us. One of the great parts of the LS is that all people from all ethnic, political, and religious backgrounds can come together. Typically, you are looking at recreational activities or other fun areas of like interest. Talking about politics is a good way to isolate yourself. Watching Rachel Maddow mud wrestling Sean Hannity would be funny as Hell as long as we didn’t give a microphone to either of them. (She would totally kick his ass). Let fun be fun.
Hi to you both. From looking at your profile it is no wonder you have no problems meeting folks at swinger parties. We have also found it difficult to find friends in the LS that will just want to hang out even when no sex is involved. Most people in the LS have other lives and they keep their LS activities well guarded. We have been fortunate enough for my wife to find herself a GF and we will occasionally go out to dinner or a club with her and her hubby. He isn't much into the LS so most of the play opportunities are with her. It is so much easier to have open conversations with singles or couples in the LS and not worry about something slipping out with vanilla friends. Just keep active in the LS and contacting people online and meeting at clubs. Sooner or later the right person or people will pop up but you can't be a wallflower. You need to be open and friendly to attract good people. Good luck!
Suggestions on how to.meet swinger friends? We aren't new to swinging...been almost 4 years since we started. But Jean and I are both painfully introverted. We go to clubs, sit alone, eat, drink our own booze, and we're wall flowers...watching. Oh sure, Jean is hot and men always manage to strike up conversations with her, and we have had success hooking up. Well, at least Jean has had success.
We prefer lifestyle parties, hotel takeovers, private parties. For some reason, we aren't as timid and introverted at those.
We decided a long time ago that, while we like our regular circle of friends, (our vanilla friends), we would prefer swingers in our every day circle of friends. We have "like" interests. With our vanilla friends, we have to watch how we act, what we say, etc... But within a group of swinger friends, we would be free to flirt, touch, kiss, feel, and even grope...and she is one of the rare ones who responds positively to being sexually groped in a sexy, respectful, passionate way. If we had lifestyle friends, we would be free to be sexy, flirtatious, and if the chemistry is there, hook up!
But how is an introverted couple to make such friends. I mean, everyone SEEMS to like us...and I know, they PROBABLY like Jean and I come along with the deal. But our friendships with other swingers always seems to be there, at the club, party, etc...and never seems to progress outside of the lifestyle.
Even if sex were not involved, we STILL want to be friends with fellow swingers...is that even possible? NONE of our family or vanilla friends know we swing. We are simply dying to meet and keep lifestyle friends. Is our introversion interfering with that, do you think?
