Is swinging cheating?

Cheating is betrayal. Swinging together is absolutely not that!

There is a couple we knew long before we even knew that swinging was a thing. Had things kept going we'd have had our first swinging experience long ago, but the the couple pulled back in a weird way saying it was OK if the Mrs came over but not me. That of course ended that friendship.

A few years later we found they split up due to cheating. It happens, but it is one of the things you generally don't have to worry about when both partners decide to get into the lifestyle.

I say generally because we have run into LS couples where the male half had reached out to us after meeting both of them and wanted to know if we'd be interested in playing with just him "on the down low" as he put it, meaning he was hiding this from his wife. It truly boggles my mind that a couple in the LS would do that when they can have sex with anyone they want so long as the other is aware of it. If anything, swinging should prevent that sort of cheating.

" I'm not sure if anyone else has encountered this but when you've been vanilla friends with someone for a while the idea of having sex with them just seems weird in an almost incestual sort of way "

I have not felt that, especially for the more attractive ones. I do agree regarding not trying to convert them though. More than likely it would not turn out well.

While we never try to convert vanilla friends, we certainly wouldn't discourage ones that were genuinely interested in getting into the LS. In hindsight, I suppose the easiest reponse would be to ask them "Why do you ask?"

If you get a "We just heard....." or similar kind of busy body reponse then that's one thing, but if they said that they were interested in gettting into the LS then we'd likely help them. It doesn't nesessarily mean we'd play with them.

I'm not sure if anyone else has encountered this but when you've been vanilla friends with someone for a while the idea of having sex with them just seems weird in an almost incestual sort of way. Hard to explain, but we do have LS friends that are just friends, and it's not because we don't find them physically attractive.

@mayhem8, thanks for a great response; my wife's friend is single, and it was a discussion more so as she was curious about it and not so much as putting us down for it. She is big time into the BDSM stuff and but doesn't understand the "sharing or swapping" that swingers do, to her that is a justified form of cheating. Just like I don't really get why having somebody tie you down in front of a room full of people and then flog your ass until it bleeds..... but hey, I'm not going to judge what you like and dislike, if that floats your boat then let your freak flag fly!

I agree that It's not cheating when you're both fully aware of what the other is doing and have their full support/approval.

As for explaining any of this to friends, like Sorillo says, it really is none of their business. I'd probably ask that "friend" how willing they'd be to discuss details of their sex life. If it was a single friend, you could ask them how they felt about being asked if they jerked off to porn and how often, or if they have ever had or thought about same gender sex. Should get the point across.

If you simply said, "It's none of your business", they'd just assume that you're swinging. My preference would be to leave them thinking, "What the fuck was I even thinking by asking that?". If they were a real friend, they'd realize how rude and inappropriate their question was.

FWIW - I learned a while ago that if a vanilla person is asking you if you swing, there's a very high probability that they're incapable of understanding any answer in support of swinging. In their mind, you're on the road to ruin and nothng you say is going to change that.

@2muchfunclub2, "Sports sex"..... love it......

@sorillo1000, thank you, you are absolutely correct that some people just want info so they can trash talk with others. I simply wanted to know other's thoughts on the subject.

We neither confirm nor deny our "sport sex" hobby when our vanilla friends ask about it.

Keep 'em guessing.

Obviously, I'm less than charitable in my opinion of busybodies. Not just in terms of one's sex life, but life in general.

Someone who insists upon knowing all about your personal life is not doing it because they are your friend. More often than not, it's so that they can have something to talk about with other people. There's a certain class of person who LOVES revealing other people's secrets and causing trouble. Yes, I've run into that before and it's seriously annoying and infuriating.

"Please explain to me how OUR sex life is any of YOUR fucking business, asshole."

taps foot

"I'm waiting..."

I need boundaries…….
Such sage advice……
For what it’s worth, yes the wife knows; it’s her friend that WE had this discussion with.
AND my wife and I have very clear and understood boundaries…..

They already indicated they are incapable of having an "intelligent" conversation about it. What is the point of discussing your sex life eith them at all? And does your wife know you're having these so-called "intelligent" discussions?

Sounds like you need boundaries.

Did you want advice or ...?

They already indicated they are incapable of having an "intelligent" conversation about it. What is the point of discussing your sex life eith them at all? And does your wife know you're having these so-called "intelligent" discussions?

Sounds like you need boundaries.

It’s not that I care what they think, fuck em if they can’t take a joke

It’s about having an intelligent conversation with them on the subject

Why do you care what they think?

I have never cheated on my husband.I have had sex with many guys besides my husband but he always knows when and who they are.We have never kept anything from each other.So as long as he knows and enjoys me having fun it’s not cheating

Agreed Townhouse. We are both very open with each other about what we want and who we want to do it with. Works really well for us and no cheating needed. Plus we still have the best sex with each other.

Is swinging cheating? So long as you both are in agreement and you don't do it behind your partner's back it's not cheating.

I would say no, there isn't any cheating when you are upfront and honest with your partner. This is consensual sex and my partner is aware and approves of it. Cheating is what most "monogamous" couples end up doing, which is why we are an open couple.

Really great answers from everyone!!!
We appreciate your comments!

Our friend, we think, is actually interested in the lifestyle but coming up with every excuse she can to avoid it. We haven't pressured her (never pressure anyone into the lifestyle!) on joining us and to be quite frank we've discussed seeing if she'd be interested in joining us at some point but she's not really someone we would migrate towards. She's a great person and friend and that where we keep that relationship but don't call us cheaters please.

In my opinion if a couple is aware and in on it together it’s not cheating, just adding a toy to the mix…

If your friend is open to a two-way conversation and not locked in their opinion… Maybe explaining your personal approach to the hobby, and how your experiences have been, would enlighten them some.

For me, cheating is more about betrayal, violation of trust, and keeping secrets. I have seen this happen in both vanilla couples and swingers. Two hours in a bedroom swapping with another couple is a longs ways from lying to your spouse.

Hopefully you and your friend can find a place that allows you to agree to disagree, and that they can accept your decisions to participate in your hobby. We are all wired differently.

Mr.

Cheating is betrayal. When one partner goes behind the back of someone else and develops an emotional or sexual relationship with others, that is cheating. When people feel the sting of having been "cheated on", the deep hurt is most often not about the physical acts, but about the betrayal. There is no betrayal with swinging. Only enhanced sex that excites and benefits both of you by choice. After having experienced both, I feel that having a partner cheat is the lowest form of sexuality. While feeling compersion, arousal and sexual freedom with your partner is the highest form of sexuality that can be achieved. Watching your partner enjoy themselves, or you enjoying yourself with them watching, enjoying it and participating with you makes you stronger and closer as a couple, that is something that is the highest form of sexual evolution, and not something most vanilla people have the capacity to understand.

@RonKathy, Great answer!