We can get pedantic about obvious hyperbole all day. We can point to exceptions that prove the rule.
The fact remains the vast majority of men are going to have to hike up their big boy pants and make some moves if they want to meet women and have sex with them.
If anyone reading this wants to wait around for the women they are attracted to to approach them, don't say I didn't warn you.
Isnt it amazing that some ( many we know) like BT are in demand.. you ask why.. They get it, classy, sensual and fun to just have drinks with if thats all it was when passing through !
GGMM, I couldn’t recall which of us had reached out, but regardless, you’re correct; I wouldn’t have mentioned it to support my position. Maybe you can find your way back down here post-C and help me improve my memory?
Overeducated, you have to admit, the planet you conjured WOULD be a pretty sweet place to live ;-)
BT
I don’t think that I wrote anything to imply that I believed that there was a planet where men broadly sit back and have women come to them.
I took exception to THIS post “A single male will not have any success on this site if they just sit back and wait for something to happen."
“...will not have any success...”. I’ve only lived in the 4 corners (if I can call New Orleans a corner) of the U.S., not all over the planet, like you, but that right there, is what I think is called an absolute. There are no absolutes as far as swinging goes. What works for someone may not work for someone else.
The brunt of the messages I receive are from couples. Usually, it’s the male-half, looking for someone to play with his wife, with or without him. Sometimes, it’s the female-half, and sometimes, it’s SFs. Sometimes, they’re local, sometimes, they’re traveling, and up until about 3 years ago, when my job had me on the road about two weeks a month, some came from Hot Dates that I’d post while traveling.
Oh, and the advice I received early on came from a former SM who had met his current SO in the lifestyle. His advice was simply, develop a good profile, and stop emailing people. I jokingly call it the Sadie Hawkins Approach.
You also have to evaluate and define what “success” means. Is it playing every weekend or every week? Is it less frequent?... maybe once or twice a month? I have half-custody of two kids, alternating every few days. So, my definition runs toward the latter.
To each their own.
BT
If this forum wasn't nonfunctional, I'd link to analysis that pours through dating site data that shows women send less than 3 first messages (no indication of who they send those messages to was given). What I am saying is a broad phenomena.
I am not universalizing my experience here. Besides, if you though personal anecdote where not convincing why bring up a case where you saw the contrary happen?
"Not initiating has not once worked for me."
And you are old enough and smart enough to know not to universalize your experience.
BT is too much of a gentleman to give examples, but when I went to New Orleans I reached out and told him so. I'm quite certain that was far from the first time that happened, since he was prepared with a lot of tourist friendly suggestions.
I don't think you're giving enough thought to how hunted women can feel and how relaxing it can be to have that absent.
I've lived all over this planet. What planet do you live on where men broadly just sit back and have women come to them?
Maybe other factors play into it, like where you live?
BT
I wouldn't even elevate doing nothing to the level of a strategy, let alone a valid one.
Not initiating has not once worked for me. Unless a guy is drop dead gorgeous, I don't see it working for the vast majority of guys either.
More than once I've been at a club and seen a woman ignore the men trying to get her attention in favor of walking up to someone sitting quietly. Couples too. That's not me, since the only way I know someone is interested in me is if they say something (excellent gaydar, non-existent attraction-dar), but it's a valid strategy.
Sitting back an waiting is probably the dumbest approach a single guy could take in my view. We for sure aren't going to randomly reach out to a dude out of the blue.
Amen, YLM.
BT
"A single male will not have any success on this site if they just sit back and wait for something to happen."
I disagree.
Connected he has been told dozens of times by very successful single and couples.. all he does is get on SLS and complain.. Ignore Him its like spitting in the wind and he looks for attention under his various profile names !
OH before I met my beautiful fiance on SLS I was a typical single guy. I'm no Don Juan but I met several very nice couples and we got along great and I always got invited back. My old SM profile might give you some ideas... PleasantonGuy969 It was an attempt to make connections with people rather than just talk about myself as the first versions of it did. BTW The picture of my dog got lots of comments and apparently helped establish a human interest connection. Show something personal about yourself that people can relate to. It wasn't a perfect profile but it is one example of what can work on SLS. Take it for what it's worth... Cheers, Joe
@ BTB
Rather than clutter up men talk with yet another iteration of single male advice, why not just direct the single guys to the “Achieving Single Male Success” forum where there are already eleventy thousand threads dedicated to that topic.
;^D
~Scamp
Oh try making your profile and messages about what you bring to the party from the couple's point of view and how you'll enhance their experience. Far too much of your profile is about you, and your "Must haves". Even including that wording towards any criteria makes it seem like you're very judgemental and you won't accept people for who they are. They apparently need to match your criteria rather than you being friendly and fun and willing to mesh into their criteria and their idea of a fun time.
Frankly your profile and your messages come across as far too self-centered and even entitled. Why do you even think forum members are required to provide examples. Be grateful if they do but stop expecting them to. Expectations and entitlement are not gonna make you friends nor get you any action.
Whew. I'm pretty patient and a bit lazy so I don't block often; heck, I still haven't blocked AR. OH2 was just too much. Ah, such an improvement in my QOL
“ When is the last time you have seen a couple or male on here from Charlotte?”
The forums are only a tiny snapshot of site membership and certainly not a representative cross-section in any way.
This doesn’t seem to be working for you. You should probably spring for a Tinder account. Start there and see how it goes.
BT
Thnx goodgollymsmolly! I did not realize initially that he was the same person that posted similar post in the past. The lifestyle is not for him. I think he would be better off just staying in and enjoying the vanilla life. Meet a nice vanilla girl who connects with him and go enjoy the rest of his life!
@BTB-I did not realize initially that he was the same person that posted similar post in the past.
Yup, this is at least the 4th (if not the 5th) re-iteration of the NCwhiner. I tried my best to help him in his first effort, but that one and all later versions seem to follow a pattern of: What should I do? I tried that an no one fucked me yet! This place sucks. You all can go to hell.
Rinse and repeat with a different user name: What should I do? I tried that an no one fucked me yet! This place sucks. You all can go to hell.
I have no reason to suspect the current iteration will be different, or that he will not be back again in a month with the same. As GGMM said, your dedication to help is admirable, but I think you are fighting a Sisyphus type battle in doing so.
btb, I admire your devotion to education, but not everyone wants to learn and not everyone can learn. This one doesn't like women and is presumably too cheap to pay for sex, so he thought coming to a swinger site, where the women were slutty, would eliminate the issues he finds with women out in the world. But no. We've tried telling him the women here are more discerning and picky than who he'd find in the average bar, but see that first sentence.
Buddy, I’ll just focus on this one sentence; “ I have asked numerous times how to come across as respectable and a gentleman when I message and nobody tells me.”
My question is, do you come across as respectful and as a gentleman in your daily life? If you do, you wouldn’t be trying to figure it out here. So, my guess is that you don’t because it would already be part of your fabric as a human. The same goes for a sense of humor and many other personality traits.
You ask questions...the same questions, and get different answers because different things work for different people. There is no one right answer. Stop looking for a single answer. One size doesn’t fit all.
Stop listening in order to respond. Listen to absorb, and if you find yourself having to change in order to succeed, you either look at it as growth or you exit stage right because you don’t want to change or don’t feel you need to change.
And getting angry and feeling entitled to a response...and messaging people to harass them is like pissing in your own well and then, complaining about how the water tastes.
BT
Oh I agree bridgetender. My advice will be for those who are willing to listen and try to use it. I have no misgiving that there will be some out there that don't give a Damn on what I think or advise them to do. And even when I place the advice I expect there to be debate and conversation over each line item in the post. My expectations on a post like that is that it will help a few and spark conversation. If it does that then I am good!!
The challenge, BTB, is that what you describe below is part of who you are and how you live your life, and others think that it’s an act they’re playing or a front they have to put on; “If I “act” this way, I’ll succeed”.
Their true colors eventually come out over time because what you describe isn’t an integral part of their being, their persona. So, when things take longer to come together, life gets in the way, the hotwife’s period arrives off-cycle, the kids get sick and their date cancels their plans last minute, their true a-hole natures come out.
This is why guys like NC can’t find success. Their egos won’t allow for the full belly mindset. Their thirstiness comes out and they feel entitled to berate those who don’t respond to their messages in some desperate attempt to create some sense of control over a situation where they have so very little. People can smell the desperation in their posts and messages...and honestly, who wants to fuck someone who presents themself as someone so desperate that they’d fuck anyone??
So, while I applaud you for putting together your advice posts, and hope it might help some gents, I think many will continue to stroll down the one liner intro/free sex site/thirsty path. I hope I’m wrong.
BT
