Tuesday Talks: Overcoming Anxiety and Insecurities in the Lifestyle

Transcript

Speaker1: This podcast is intended for adult audiences. Over the age of 18, it contains adult language and situations. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to us, and not of any employer, organization, committee, or other group or individuals. This podcast is not intended to be taken as professional advice. Welcome to the Swing Nation podcast, a podcast by swingers for swingers, where we look to educate others and push back on the negative stigmas and misconceptions associated with our lifestyle. Come with us and share our pineapple journey as we travel the globe. Interview the activists, learn and grow together. Join the nation. So Lacey, people are asking, how do they get to go to a party or an event with us? They check out swingersociety.net, you create a profile, you sign up for an event, and you come hang out with us. Super easy. That's right. If you want to party with us and the other faces and names that you know from social media and TikTok, head on over to swingersociety.net. Can't wait to see you there. Tuesday Talks, just send your questions to Dan and they say. Tuesday Talks, Swing Nation got you feeling sexy. Tuesday Talks. Talking Tuesday with Dan and Lacey. Ooh, how about that high note? That was perfect. Hey there, pineapple people, and welcome to the Swing Nation podcast. We are your hosts, Northern Guy and Southern Girl, and we are back with another rendition of Tuesday Talks. We are. You said you're going to have a new song for to sing to people. I did. You remember? You were like, oh, I'm going to sing a new thing. I'm going to think about it. You didn't realize that we sang and then they sang again. But hopefully this is the last episode that they don't have the new jingle. So you got to sing the new one. No, the new one that's being made for us. Yeah, but you promised the listeners you were going to come up with something that was different. I don't have anything. Adlib. Go. Tuesday, talking with Dan and Lacey. is getting on my nerves. So let's move on. All right. Did I do good? That was awesome. Yeah. He's making me see. Are you ready for this week's question? Yeah, sure. All right, let's do it. Hey, Dan and Lacey. This is Paige from Louisiana. I've been listening to the podcast non-style for the past month and have officially been in every single episode. That's just how I do things, research on top of research. My partner, Dustin, and I are pretty new to the lifestyle together. He does have some experience as a single guy. We kind of dabbled in an open relationship before navigating. The swinging thing as a couple is really a whole new beast. We both deal with a lot of insecurity and anxiety around it. We recently went to the local club, very small gathering, just to check it out. And it honestly did not go well. I was super uncomfortable the whole time. My social anxiety pretty much took over and ruined the night. open-minded, sexually empowered, confident woman. But in reality, I'm just an awkward, anxious, introverted mess. Growing up Southern and conservative, I've carried a lot of shame, you know, repression around my sexuality that I'm trying to overcome and unlearn. But it's hard. I guess my main question is, how do we know if this is something that we can work through together or if it's just not for us? I know y'all say that, you know, swinging isn't for everybody. So at what point, Do we say that swinging isn't for us? Well, thank you all for everything. Bye. I'm tearing up. I saw that. Oh, my God. I want to hug her. So that's Paige from Louisiana. I feel like she's me 2.0 or 1.0. Maybe I'm the second. I don't know. Right. I could have literally said all of that. I think you could say all of that now. Yeah. Right. And that's after 10 years of being successful in this lifestyle and having lots of experience. Yeah, but I can also relate to the beginning. Think about when we first started and going from singles where it was so easy to then all of a sudden now you have to care about other people's feelings. Oh, it was so hard. I mean, for me, you didn't seem to care. It was a group effort. The rollercoaster ride, we were definitely both on it, for sure. I was just leading that rollercoaster. Right, you might have been making the loop-de-loops. We were both on the ride, that's for sure. Yeah, that like really hit me, like for sure. Oh God, I could just, I could, we should be friends. We should share contact information. Where do I even start? Well, so I'll kind of point out what I heard from that, right? So it's, you know, she's from Louisiana. She's been married for a while. It sounds like they're, they're both very open-minded and they like the idea of the lifestyle. But when they go to explore it, it sounds like it's not a good experience for her. But if I'm hearing her correctly, it's not a good – she's not saying it's a bad experience because it's not what she wants. It sounds like it's a bad experience because her own insecurities and anxiety is causing her to not be able to enjoy herself. And I can remember that so clearly, like especially in the beginning, thinking like when we – not when I was in the last summer, but when me and you started. thinking, I know we can do this. I know we are like, this should be easier than it has to be. You know? And then, I don't know. But being frustrated at myself because I felt like I was making it harder than it needed to be. Yeah. And I think that's a, but realizing that, you know, so I think here's what we tend to do, right? We go to a club and we feel, anxiety and insecurities internally, right? And then we go and we find a way to project those feelings onto our partner, right? So we go, you're feeling anxiety and insecurity. A hot girl walks by. I look at her ass. And then you say, damn, what the fuck? Why are you looking at her ass? Do you think she's hotter than me? I bet you wouldn't fuck her. Right. And then I get defensive and then that ends up in a bad night, right? But the key to it, I think, figuring that out is like what is causing like is the issue actually that this girl has a nice ass and i looked at it or is the issue that is is that you feel insecure about what you're wearing or your body or you know i think that's the thing and it seems like she knows that yeah she seems very self-aware and so my advice is to communicate all of those feelings right so in that case when the A Girl Walks By, since we're using that as our example, instead of looking at you and being like, do you think she's hot or what, you know, I bet you want to fuck her, you could look at her and say, I'm having a lot of anxiety because I just saw you look at her ass and it's making me feel very insecure. And you don't, like, Dan wouldn't even have to respond to me, but just like put his hand on me and acknowledge my feelings or I hear you, you know. Just that alone makes me feel better. Now, that's so much easier. said than done. Right. Well, that's such great advice because, you know, as the male half of the partner, when you come to me and you're vulnerable and you're saying, baby, I'm feeling this way, you know, because of this. And you kind of instead of like trying to attack me and put the blame on me for making you feel that way. You saying, hey, I don't feel beautiful, you know, in this outfit. And, you know, she is really beautiful. And I saw you look at her and that makes me feel, you know, That makes me feel, whatever, unwanted or undesired. Then it gives me a chance to be like, no, baby, you are fucking gorgeous. You look so good in your outfit. I'm sorry you're feeling anxiety, but I promise you it's just something in your head that's not, all these guys are checking you out. It just gives you, it's a different, because if you come at me and you're like, why the fuck did you look at her like that? I'm automatically defensive, right? And now we're fighting, right? Because I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? She just walked by. What do you want me to do? Look at the fucking floor? Or like, what am I supposed to do? You know, like, and then now you're fighting. When really it's, you're going through something. I'm your partner. I want to help you go through that. But if you attack me, I can't do that, right? Like, I need to know what you're feeling and how you're feeling that way. And I'll try my absolute best. And sometimes I can try my absolute best to make you feel better. And it will still not work. Oh, you'll never. Like, honestly, like, I would rather in that situation, I would rather you not fish me a whole line of compliments. Because that seems... Fake. Fake. You know, I would just... I'd rather you look at me and say, I love you. And you know I think you're beautiful. Or just, like, keep it very simple. Because it comes across as, like... Right. If you try to over-embellish it, it comes across... Yeah. Yeah. Which... The better option would be, as soon as I walk out of the bathroom, you'd be like, oh, my God, babe. You're gonna be the hottest fucking girl there. You know, all night. Like, stuff, like, pre... Right. Pre... freak out basically those seem more genuine than i'm freaking out now let's let's try to fix it real quick so she doesn't ruin the night um i feel like this is such a loaded question but definitely communicate how you're feeling i would say you are going to have to peel back all the layers and probably start super slow but if this is something that you want to do and you think that you can do it you just need to do it so does that mean that you need to make a long laundry list of rules and boundaries and and start from like well let's just dance with somebody the first time then the next time maybe we'll kiss somebody and then the next time then maybe you know we'll sauce if you you might have to break it all the way down to basics and that's okay i think even if we've been in the lifestyle for a while they don't even have to forget about all that and just get through a night at the club where she doesn't feel bad. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but like you have to still go and do things. No. I get what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. Oh. And I guess in some aspects, if a guy, not her husband, comes up and dances with her and says, oh my God, you're beautiful, that could help. Oh, it could probably. I mean, we want obviously our partners to think we're beautiful and gorgeous, but affirmations from somebody that's not required. Right. to do it go a long way. So I don't know that. And to me, that advice goes for anybody. Let's say you've been in the last half for 10 years and then all of a sudden you develop, you know, like you've hit perimenopause or menopause or you've, you know, just, I mean, it could be anything. You've been sick. Weight fluctuations. Yeah. And then all of a sudden you are experiences, you might have to go back to basics and start, you know, kind of from scratch and build your way back up there. And I think that's okay. I just think it's the lifestyle is always going to take work it's never easy if it's like it's complicated and hard and but also rewarding and amazing at the same time if you're willing to put in the work so I just think you have to do all of those things well I think that's one of the things I like about the lifestyle is like you're saying you have to do the work where I think if we are not in the lifestyle we're able to hide all those feelings for sure and those feelings are able to build up and then cause huge problems you know I mean So I think being in the lifestyle and every month or so or a couple months going and doing something and then having to kind of face a lot of this stuff it makes it so that we can't bury it deep down inside and pretend that it doesn't exist because it still exists whether you're a swinger or whether you're a monogamous insecurities about your body insecurities around sex all of that stuff still exists I don't care what your lifestyle choices are Yeah and I also want to comment on the fact that she said she's introverted she has social anxiety all those things. That's okay. You know, I'm definitely more introverted. People don't believe me, but I am. So, like, when we go out, Dan and I kind of know our roles. He knows I'm probably going to be a little bit quieter, that he's probably going to have to, like, push me a little, but not too much, because then I'll, you know, like, you're going to have to, like, communicate all of those things to your partner and kind of work through it. Also, if you have social anxiety, maybe a club is not your vibe, and that is okay. Maybe going to large events where there's a lot of people is not your thing. Maybe just finding a couple online and doing like a date night or something like that. I mean, there's lots of ways to be in the lifestyle or a swinger without going to these huge parties. Every swinger's experience, I don't know what you call it, is different. It doesn't all have to look like what Dan and I look like. Yeah. Now, what about her? I think we can talk about this a little bit. But the focusing on yourself, the lifestyle makes you do self-work. So I'd say maybe doing some of that on her own. For sure. I'm doing that right now. I mean, this has kind of been my summer of figuring my shit out, for lack of a better word. I kind of had a moment back in June where I was like, I've got to get my shit together. And I've been pretty open and honest about working through that. And maybe she needs to, too. I mean, I just started counseling for the first time in probably eight or This week, you know, so and like we've talked a lot of these things that she brought up for things that I personally am also talking with my counselor about. So I think it's okay to do like internal work while you're working with your partner to do this. And I and I found a counselor that was LGBTQ friendly. And, you know, I was able to sort it and find someone that I was able to be very open and honest. from the very beginning about the fact that we are swingers and that it does give me different. I don't know. It's a little bit different than your cookie cutter stay-at-home mom who just goes to sports and stuff. There is different pressure and anxiety put on you. I think finding that is good. I think this is so important and it's not just about the lifestyle that if you are having problems, with anxiety or depression or anything in your life. Really, nobody else can fix that. Well, and the lifestyle just magnifies it. And it could be anything. It could be anxiety. It could be depression. It could be something in the couple. Like maybe in the very beginning when you were dating, somebody cheated and it was totally fine. But now all of a sudden you're in the lifestyle and it's like a big deal. Anything that you've done or had issues with, when you enter the lifestyle, it's just so much bigger. I think working through all of these things is important. It makes us a better person for the people around us. It makes us a better spouse. It makes us a better lifestyler. I think all the work that we can do just helps us along the way. I'm literally in the bulk of this. I'm actively doing this, so I totally get it. Yeah, and sometimes it's little things. Sometimes it's just having the right outfit to wear that night. For sure. Sometimes it's, you know, you put on eyelashes and it changes your whole, like, feelings about yourself. To be honest with you, like, let's just talk about this. We talked about how Hedo, I loved my outfits. I felt super confident. I loved them. We just got home from Splash. Not Splash. I'm sorry. We just got home from Colette Houston. I did not feel pretty. I did not feel, I mean, I felt pretty, but, like, I did not feel as confident in my outfits. And I've been doing some internal, like, what was the difference between me going to Hedo and me going to Colette? Like, why did I feel so much different about myself? It was two weeks. I couldn't have gained or lost more than a couple of pounds, if that. Like, my size was the same. My hair was the same. Like, what about me made me feel differently on those occasions? So, like, that's something, like, I've been working because I want to feel the way I felt at Hedo at every single event. I've been working towards all of that. Yeah. It's a lot of work. Yeah. And if you were one of those people that just throw something on and are super confident and can just go and rock it and like. God bless you. Yeah. Jealous. So what I want Paige to know is she's not alone. No. You're not alone. And you know she's asking maybe she should just quit the lifestyle. I don't think that's the answer. Yeah. If I'm hearing her I think she's got to put it in the work. Yeah. And Paige I'll tell you that the podcast where like today, where I'm super vulnerable and I talk about all the things that are hard like this, are the ones that people come up to me and say, thank you. I feel that way. We are the same person. If I had a dollar for every person that's came and said, you and my wife or me and you are the exact same, so many people are going through these things. And so you are 100% not alone. Yeah. And what I can say to her is if she does do the hard work, right, if she does the internal work, whether and gets to that other side, I think it'll be very rewarding for her. You know, so it seems like she's into, you know, the fantasies and she wants to explore. Right. But she just needs to get to a place where she feels comfortable to do that. And that's man, that's the secret sauce right there. And it's not easy. And like you said, it's really a never ending struggle. But I think that's human nature. I think that's part of life. Yeah. Yeah. So. And if you didn't have anxiety the lifestyle you would probably like it would be something else to something else so yeah so page know that you're not alone uh we do have a bunch of groups out there so if you want to join us on facebook we're on reddit we got a discord server i think sometimes talking to people and seeing other people share i mean there's a girls group on this literally what i was about to say there's a girls talk room on discord and i get tagged it i should participate more in it but i do get tagged in it often i try to go in and chime in and women it's all women and literally women are in they're talking about these things, helping each other out. So if you're not on Discord, I highly recommend you getting on there. And shout out to the Discord team that runs that and keeps it all going. We couldn't do it without you. Yeah. I mean, sometimes having that community and people to talk to that know that you're not alone. I mean, it can be that can be therapy in itself. For sure. Yeah. So the links for Discord are on theswingnation.info. Again, we have a Facebook group, a Reddit group. We're on just about every social media platform. So if you're looking to connect, those are all great places. So go check them out. And I hope that helps answer Paige's question. Yep. All right. So if you have a Tuesday talk question, we would love to hear from you. There's a few different ways you can get a hold of us. You can shoot us an email. And that is at theswingnation at gmail.com, theswingnation at gmail. You can also, if you want to email in an audio file, so if you just record yourself on your phone or something like that, you can email that in. Or you can call us. is? 972-302-7716. One more time. 972-302-7716. So give us a call. Leave us a voicemail. Shoot us a text. Send us some pictures. You know, whatever you want to do. We're here for you. Yeah. We'd love to hear from you. Yeah. Really, you guys are the ones that keep this show going. Yeah. So we need your support. We need those phone calls. We need those emails. So please keep it going because I think these kind of questions help everybody. They do. All right, well, I think with that, in a world full of apples, be the pineapple. Be the pineapple, guys. Bye. Bye. If you've enjoyed our podcast and want to support us, leave a five-star review wherever you're listening. If you want to see more of our content, you can find links to Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, OnlyFans, and more in the show notes. Come join the conversation with us and other Swinger content creators on our Swinger Society Discord server. If you have questions or feedback, email them to us at theswingnation at gmail.com. Make sure you head on over to theswingnation.net and keep up to date on all things Swing Nation. We thank you so much for joining us and we'll see you next time. Goodbye.