My Libido Doc

Transcript

Welcome to the Pineapple Pinup, the Hot Wife Life podcast. On today's podcast, I am joined by Dr. Diane Mueller of My Libido Doc. She is a board-certified sexologist and has many interesting things to share. Thank you so much for joining me. Today, I have Dr. Diane with me, Dr. Diane Mueller. So go ahead and give us a rundown of what it is that you do. Yeah, I'm a double doctorate board-certified sexologist, and my work really is in helping long-term monogamous couples find passion, find intimacy, find better sex, better communication in their relationship.

So I do that by a lot of teaching and educating. So, you know, podcasts like this, but I also have actual classes and courses through which I guide couples in this way. Excellent. Yes. So in your practice, how do you feel about ethical non-monogamy? So I can tell you that in my personal life, and that's where I'll start from, I've gone through periods twice in my life of having open relationships. Once was when I was married, once was when I was not married. And personally, what I have found after being a non-monogamous ethically twice in my life is that I am personally wired for monogamy.

But one of the things that I've really learned that I teach people with and the people that come to my personal practice and my work really are people that are looking to make monogamy work and are looking to stay in the nature of their closed relationships.

But one of the biggest things that my study, that my personal experience that talking to others has really taught me is that both of these types of relationship styles, whether we're talking about ethical non-monogamy or whether we're talking about monogamy, both of them, I truly believe have the things that are the gifts that they offer and the things that are the challenges that come with them. And, you know, and I see many couples start to be interested in an ethical non-monogamy situation because they're maybe a little I'll be passion back.

There's a lot of different reasons why couples start talking about that. I think one of the biggest problems I see in the conversations couples are having is I think sometimes we can live in the fantasy without actually playing out some of the challenges that come up and realize that like any relationship style, monogamy has its challenges, of course, too, that there are unique challenges to that situation.

So a lot of how I like to talk about it really is like, like while I do work with monogamous couples, while that is my personal preference, what I think is most important is that we really in relationships, we create the type of relationship that is right for us and not based upon society, not based upon what we see in the media, not based upon what is the hip and trendy thing at any given time. And that we're really saying, okay, well, these are the strengths of this relationship style. These are the challenges of this relationship style.

And I'm choosing this because I prefer these strengths and I prefer these challenges over the other style. And that's how I look at it. Absolutely. In your pursuit of how did you become a sexologist? If I can ask. Lots of study, lots of study. I mean, my, my original interest in learning about sex and beginning to study and read books and just, you know, uh, study through my own hobby and interest actually began when I was in my very early twenties. So it was about 25 years ago and I was having vulvar pain and I could, nothing like was healing it. I went to the doctor a bunch of times.

Every test was normal, which is great. It's great to have normal lab tests, right? Especially when we're talking about our, you know, our, our personal bits, we could call them. But the biggest thing with that was it was keeping me up at night. So there was a real problem, right? This pain would keep me up at night, nothing was alleviating it. And I had amazing roommate at the time, and she handed me a book. And the book was Betty Dodson, Sex for One.

And this was a big deal for me to receive this book because I was raised in a very, very dogmatic way where masturbation, where self-pleasure, where touching yourself, like any of that was very wrong. So I had never even explored this personally. But a few days after she handed me this book, I'm lying awake at night in pain reading this book. And one of the things that Betty talks about is she talks a lot in that book about the benefits of self-pleasure and one of them being pain going away.

And she had a lot of, she has a lot of examples in that book of people that were experiencing a wide variety of pain and through self-pleasure, their pain was going away. So out of desperation, I basically went for it one night. And lo and behold, my pain went away. And the next day, pain was back. Tried again. Pain went away again. So that continued for a few days. And then I ended up having the pain completely go away and has not returned back.

So that was kind of the initial event that was a very very like aha moment like you know those moments that as humans that we get that are like those moments where like kind of shifts like beliefs and thoughts and makes us question like huh like are those beliefs that i've held for so long actually true so it was kind of one of those moments for me right and so i started I started asking myself different questions from there. And that really is what, you know, sent me down this road of eventually becoming a board certified sexologist.

That's amazing because I, I personally know, um, the power of the pain relief. Um, I have suffered with insomnia and, um, migraines for most of my life. And all of that is very helped with, you know, orgasms and masturbation and all that stuff. So that's a really good thing to get you on that road to show you that there's more to it than just the dogma. Yeah, exactly. And it's one of the reasons I often say that pleasure is not just about desire, but something we require.

And I think couples, you know, whatever their relationship style is, whether they are in a monogamous or ethical non-monogamous relationship, they're together long enough. Oftentimes what is, what happens is people start getting in their sexual scripts. Many times orgasm quality goes down. Sometimes there's one partner that winds up saying like, you know what, I'm not that interested in sex anymore.

So I think understanding everything that really is related to the improvement of orgasms, to the increase of oxytocin in the body is a really important conversation because what I see is like knowledge is power, knowledge is motivation. Like when I worked with my one-on-one clients, one of the biggest things I have found is that when people understand deeply the impact of things on their life and their choices, good or bad, it really serves as that motivation.

And so if people are in this place where it's like, do I put effort and energy into restoring sex life and my partner wants it and I'm just not that interested anymore. If people get to this place, I think it's a really helpful thing to understand. Well, oxytocin can relieve pain. Orgasms can relieve pain. Oxytocin orgasms can reduce anxiety, can improve depression, can improve insomnia, right? Oxytocin has been even shown in research to build bone.

So we know, and another thing is that I bring up a lot is that many people will read online and be like, they hear this and be like, oh, I'm going to look up oxytocin and how else I can get oxytocin besides orgasms. And you'll find a six second kiss or a 20 second hug. And what I want people to know is a 20 second hug will improve oxytocin levels in your blood by about 20 to 50%. So that seems cool until we realize that orgasms actually improve oxytocin levels in your blood by more like 200 to 500%.

And, you know, if you can figure out how to have multiple orgasms, then it could even go up from there. Right. So I just like people to know that as a way of being like, why is this important? Well, it's important for a course relationship, right? And the health of a relationship. We know that. But I really feel like we have orgasms as humans as a way to self-regulate. Like it even lowers cortisol, our stress hormone. So there's so many self-regulation types of things that happen from this powerful chemical. Right.

The science of it is it's, there has never been more science going into the hormone based than is currently happening right now. So the fact that we're getting on board with how, and hormone levels change throughout your life. And the thing is, is that using the natural chemicals in our body to help regulate the dysregulation we're feeling is actually much more self-sustaining than anything else that we can do. So finding that balance, finding that ability to go back to the basics and find that connection is super important. Exactly. Exactly.

And then, like I said, I use that as a way of motivating people. And I know you can even like, people even read online about, oh, you can take oxytocin intranasally. You can get a prescription for it. I've tried that. I have some in my fridge. I use it sometimes, but it is nowhere close to the power of an orgasm and what I've seen that can really transform I don tried that. I have some of my fridge. I use it sometimes, but it is nowhere close to the power of an orgasm and what I've seen that can really transform with, you know, with this power.

And I think so much of the time we're looking right for ways of, of self-regulating.

Like we are in a society of overwhelm, stress, continual, or like most humans are running at this low level of stress, looking for that pill and there is something inside of us that that actually can be this magic pill and you know I think it's interesting too I like one of the other exercises I love to give people and I give this oftentimes to people in relationship but if people are if anybody in your audience is listening as a single person you can do this as a single person too which is write out your list of values top values and if you're in a relationship you know hopefully your top couple are yourself and your partner and then if you're single hopefully yourself is right up there right and so write out your top list of values and then make a pie chart of the day with 24 pieces of pie in it each representing an hour of the day but.

But, you know, hopefully seven to nine of them, you're sleeping. And then write out what you're doing on the average of the rest of the day and see if you have your top places for your top values actually in your pie chart. Because oftentimes when it comes to like self-care or care of your partner, care of your relationship, we say it's our most valuable thing, but oftentimes we're not putting the space in and we're making time in our pie chart.

You know, oftentimes it's like, there's time for the gym, there's time for the kids, there's time for all these things, but there's not time for this top value thing. So that's where like, from a standpoint of having better sex, of being more intimate, of going deeper with your partner or partners, it really becomes very important to say, how can I actually make space to explore this either with myself or with myself and, you know, and my loves in my life. Absolutely. I want to circle back really quick to something you started with.

You said that even if you don't go out and practice ethical non-monogamy, if you use it as a fantasy within your relationship, it can create the spice, the new, the connection because it's an exploration of your fantasy. So I'd like to, I mean, because I actually, when my husband and I first started down this journey, that was a big part of how we started. We started through role play and fantasy. And because of various things that were going on with my husband, this was the road that we chose to go on because this was the most value added that we could do.

And this has, I mean, the miracle of this lifestyle for me and my husband has been transformative. it has really opened up so much. We are going out together. We are doing things together. We are talking about our fantasies. We are exploring our kinks and we are exploring things that turn us on in a way that I never did when we were trying to be monogamous. And I think that it's a good thing to tell people that you don't have to be in the lifestyle to get that. Yes. You can use that fantasy to create depth within your monogamy. Yeah, exactly.

And that, that's like the, like truly the foundation of my work after I got divorced and I got divorced in part because one of the things when I was married that happened is like, we, we did ethical non-monogamy very successfully in that we talked through things, you know, I felt like, like without arguing, we worked through the emotions that came up with kindness. Like, you know, from a standpoint of success, I would say it was like very successful.

And what was also very successful about it is it became very clear to me that, yeah, I like monogamy better and very clear to him that he liked the ethical non-monogamy better. So that was really important information. That was one of the reasons that we ended up getting divorced. Beautiful, right? Beautiful to say, hey, this is very clear for my boundary and my needs, and this is very clear for his. But what really came out of that for me was, like you're saying, like the many gifts of, okay, what is happening in a new relationship energy experience? What is driving that passion?

What is driving that desire? What is driving that excitement? And a lot of it is dopamine, how our brain reacts to dopamine, especially when we fantasize, when we do new things, when we create scenes, when we have different experiences. That's so much of what is driving that energy that is so exciting that, you know, the voom kind of energy in that beginning of a relationship. And so my curiosity at that point was like, okay, so how do we take that? And how do we take some of the principles of ethical non-monogamy and apply them to, you know, to monogamy?

You know, I do really believe we are wired different. Even some of the studies on vasopressin, vasopressin is one of our bonding hormones. And what we've seen in some of the prairie vole studies, which prairie voles are animals that are studied for monogamy, as you probably know, because they mate for life. And what they found in the prairie vole studies is when there was less vasopressin, when the vasopressin receptors were altered, so there was less vasopressin affecting the cells, all of a sudden the prairie voles that were monogamous turned non-monogamous.

And so from a standpoint of wiring, we do think at this point that there is some chemical, you know, that is driving some people to say, hey, this is actually a better relationship structure or not. But that being said, like what you're saying, these principles of how do we bring in excitement, newness can be applied to both relationship structures. How it's done is definitely going to be a little bit different.

I do want to let your listeners know I have a novelty checklist that if people want to go and start exploring, it's super easy to just go through and be like, we're interested in this and we're interested in that. So that's at mysexdoc.com. It's a totally free checklist. So that can help. And I think one more thing that's important to comment on what you're saying is one of the things that I've seen in couples that choose ethical non-monogamy that I think is problematic for the relationship is when so much energy gets put exteriorly.

And now we're putting all of this like energy into the new relationship without also cultivating the current relationship if we're trying to keep it. And so what you're sharing with that, your husband is like, I think just a really important point that I do want to emphasize because I think if people are choosing that, it's important to say, okay, well, we're bringing all this novelty and newness and excitement in this, to this new person.

How do we also actually take some of those same principles and apply them to our primary or current relationship so that that relationship also grows and stays strong when people are, you know, exploring ethically outside of it. Exactly. Because I mean, I say it all the time on my podcast that my relationship with my husband is my primary. It's my focus. It is. And I love, um, I love the balance of history and mystery, that newness that you get from all the mystery.

And I, I've never really played with this person before, but then having that balance of my, of the history I have with my husband, the intimacy that we have built through years of being not only married, but just together. And the fact that I feel like he is my unit that allows me the ability to go out and be curious and adventuresome.

So there are things about whether you're doing this, whether you decide to go the ethical non-monogamy route or whether you decide to go the monogamy route, there are ways to introduce that mystery into your history, to create that balance of new and exciting with your unit, with the safety of that intimacy you have built through the years. Do you have any suggestions for doing that? Yeah, I mean, lots. I mean, I guess it's the whole practice. It's a lot. It's a lot of what I do for sure. Generally, as far as just being like creative, I divide a newness and new ideas into three categories.

Not everything fits perfectly, but people, places, and things. So, you know, with that in a monogamous relationship, right? So how do we do, how do we actually work with people in a monogamous relationship? Well, it's things you're talking about already, right? It's things you've mentioned, the role play, right? The fantasy, right? Even playing with different, well, I put that in the things category. Oh yeah. Okay. But yes, that's like, that's how my brain works is like, Oh, as far as like stimulating people like to remember, that's why I put it in categories.

Cause sometimes I think it's helpful for people to remember, but those kinds of things are put at what I put into the people category, archetypes, trying on different personas. Like how is it if you show up as like, you know, the dangerous kind of kind of person inside of you, or how is it you show up as like the boss inside of you? Or how is it if you show up? Cause we all have these archetypes Thank you. show up as like, you know, the dangerous kind of person inside of you? Or how is it you show up as like the boss inside of you? Or how is it if you show up?

Because we all have these archetypes inside of us. So how does sex look if you're showing up as more the timid, shy human, right? So we can play even with these different personas inside of us. And it actually can act like change the sexual experience. Plus, it can be really healing from an emotional standpoint. Absolutely. Right. Sorry. That's okay. I'm glad, I'm glad we're on the same page here. Yeah. So that's like the people category. And then we have the places and that's obvious, right? Where in the world have you not had sex? That's hot. Where in your house? Have you not had sex?

That's hot. Right. How, what do you think about having sex in nature? What do you think about having sex at the airport bathroom? Like, what do you, you know, just kind of going on and on, like what sounds hot from a places standpoint? Things, you know, you already mentioned toys. So this is toys. This is where we get into some more of our BDSM world, if people are interested in that. So, you know, that's more in like that thing category.

And one of the biggest things that I go through this, if people do download my checklist, because how we introduce these things and how we talk about these things with a partner initially, if we're not practiced in this, and I teach communication, sex communication in my work. But one of the foundational skills is important than what I want listeners. If like somebody is listening, they're like, oh yeah, we've never talked about sex before and we're not doing anything novel. And I want to talk to my partner about this. I definitely want people to be set up for success in that.

So like I said, I do go through this in more detail in my, um, in my novelty checklist that my sex doc.com. But one additional layer to tell you about is when you're going through this before you even talk to your partner about it, what I recommend is the first conversation you have is how do you want me to respond if you say something to me and I'm a little shocked by it? Because the last thing we want to do is like start our first conversation on novelty. And for one partner to be like, wow, that's like, I didn't know you were into that. I feel like that's a little out there for me.

And we don't want to express it in that way because it can shame the other person and it can shut them down and it can shut the conversation down. So we want to be prepared in advance for like, okay, if you say something that I'm not interested in, or you say something that I think is like a little out there for me, this is how I'm going to respond so that I still protect my boundary of no, but I also protect you and, and, you know, and respect the fact that you have this fantasy and that can just live in your fantasy world.

Maybe that's not something a couple does together then, but we're not shaming the other person for having that fantasy. Yes. We're definitely not yucking anyone's yum. Correct. Because I think that's the most important thing is that you don't want to build walls within the communication. And if somebody doesn't, if somebody doesn't feel safe, giving you their fantasies, giving you their kinks, giving you their, that you're going to throw up a wall, then it's going to stunt the ability to have the conversation, especially a conversation you might want to have.

So now you've got to think of it from both sides of the street. If somebody was coming to, if you were going to someone with something very personal, something you've kept in a tiny little box all to yourself for a very, very long time, how would you want them to treat that? You'd want them to treat it gently and take that, take a minute. And then I like the cab, I like the idea of having a conversation about how am I going to react if you bring up something that is not within my wheelhouse.

And there's also ways that, um, there are some things that sound pretty far out there when you first start discussing them. But as you educate yourself and as you educate your partner, they don't become as scary because information is power. And knowing is better than definitely not knowing. Yeah, exactly. And a lot of time, I think there is a element of what you're talking about around, like, we have a preconceived notion of something because of maybe something we saw in a movie one time.

And so it goes into a category in our brain of like, that's what that is without actually fully understanding things. And, you know, part of bringing in novelty sexually or otherwise to relationship or even to personal life has to start with a level of curiosity, right? It has to start with a level of like, huh, I don't know exactly what that's, that is, or that's all about, but I'm going to, especially if it's important to my partner, maybe we just learn about it. And maybe we learn about it just to, you know, to understand our partner better.

And maybe in learning about it, we realize like, oh, this is not what I thought it was. And this can be really interesting. Like, you know, I think forms of bondage are so interesting. And I think like they're so misunderstood, for example, because one of the most common things I hear from a bondage perspective, and I hear this especially from women, but all humans can experience this, is a feeling of, I've never felt so safe. Exactly. Right? I've never been able to let go so much.

And so when you understand that, right, it's like, well, that is, that feels like very, very different than I think people that don't understand bondage. It's very, very different of experience than I would, I think what happens X, you know, exteriorly. So I think the more like people can understand and read about this before making decisions of, is this for me? Is this not for me? Is also a really important component. Yeah. And you also want to baby step. You want to, you want to baby step into whatever kink it is.

Like, cause if you're talking bondage, the last thing you want to do is buy a kennel and tell somebody to get in. If that's where you're starting, that's not where you start. Where you start is something, maybe a scarf and maybe we're tying one hand and then gradually building up. The thing is, is that using resources to bring yourself through the steps that it's going to take to get there is also a very good way to introduce a partner. Yes. The same way you're introducing yourself.

yeah I mean I think one of the biggest things is the capacity for pleasure and the capacity for healing have something very, very similar. You know, there's so much alignment there. And then one of the similar things is they're related to the capacity to presence.

So we can't experience like healing to the depths of what's possible with healing or pleasure to the depths of what's possible with pleasure if we're not present so if our you know if we're enjoying a meal and we scarf it all down in two seconds right not a lot of pleasure in that we you know might get some of the food we need although I would argue we're not going to get our nutrients very well if we're scarfing it down but if we actually sit and enjoy and put our fork down and chew and taste and sit with somebody we care about and laugh, that's, you know, and we're present in the moment, that's pleasure.

That's eating with pleasure, right? And the same thing is true with touch. And I bring that up because even in thinking about trying new things, presence is really important because that is letting us know if our body is feeling safe, if our nervous system's regulated, or if we're pushing our edge too far, we're checking out. So that's another, like a really good gauge. Like it's normal. I like people to know that it's normal if your brain wanders some during sex, because, you know, your brain probably wanders some during a lot of different things.

And just like any sort of mindfulness activity, the more we like, just like, okay, my brain wandered. I'm back to the moment. My brain wandered. I'm back to the moment. The more we practice that, the more our brain can stay focused on sex and pleasure. But with, um, with trying anything new, if we find ourselves at an edge where we're like, like feeling like, oh my goodness, I'm like checking out. I'm almost disassociating. I'm not able to feel the pleasure. That's also a really good Thank you.

new, if we find ourselves at an edge where we're like, like feeling like, oh my goodness, I'm like checking out, I'm almost disassociating. I'm not able to feel the pleasure. That's also a really good sign that we're pushing it too far. And whatever we're trying now is probably not allowing us to feel safe and in our body. And that's a good sign to say, hey, you know, too far. A lot of people, when they try new things, use like the red, yellow, green, you know, system. There's any way we can do it where it's like, okay, green, like totally safe. I'm feeling good in my nervous system.

And wait, I'll just quickly say a word and let your partner know. Yellow meaning like, okay, I'm here, but we're pushing the edge a little bit. Like maybe shouldn't go too far. And red is like, hey, we have a problem. We need to stop. Yeah. Okay. So with that being said, the, my main tenants that I talk about on my show, safe, sane and consensual consent starts from within being mindful of what your body is going through is the main part of consent, is knowing yourself that you are granting permission to proceed in this way.

And that's why those words are very, very important, green, yellow, and red. That is a moment for you to check in with yourself and say, where is my body in relationship to this scene, to this activity, to this moment? And knowing that you are truly granting yourself that permission, that consent to give that consent to someone else, because without consent, you get damage. yeah exactly exactly.

And I think what you're talking about around like the first step is consent with yourself is so important to emphasize because I think too many times people are making decisions around like, okay, well, you know, will this, you know, does my partner want this? And we oftentimes can do damage to ourselves if we're doing things that do not feel like congruent with us. So the first thing is being truly honest.

And, and, you know, sometimes when we find things like, oh, you know, partner's interested in one thing and then partner, another partner is not, sometimes we can have creative conversations and say, okay, well, is there anything that would make you feel safe and interested in whatever that new thing is? Like a Venn diagram. Right. Like a Venn diagram of everybody's cake. That's a great visual example. It's like, oh, here's where my idea and your idea or your yes and my no, here's where they actually intersect and become a yes for both. Totally.

So I do think there's, you know, like room for being creative and finding solutions that maybe do work if somebody is a yes and a no. And that, that feeling that consent within yourself, like what your, you know, your teachings on that, I just think is one of the most important things that oftentimes gets overlooked because when this becomes amazing, when this becomes so connected, when it becomes like healing, when we have the best orgasms in our life is like, really, it has to start with a sense of I am being true to myself.

Because if we're not, we're never going to feel safe enough to have these expanded experiences where nervous system is going to be way too guarded. It's going to be way too much cortisol, not enough. Yes, exactly. We're trying to be the opposite. Not enough dopamine. It's going to be the thing that actually degrades your system rather than improve your system. Correct. Okay. So if you, in your practice, do you ever have people who want to explore ethical non-monogamy and how do you counsel them through that? My practice really says I'm, I'm all education, uh, in my work.

So in my libido doc work, I'm not doing any one-on-one work at this point. It's everything is through group educations and teaching people. So it really doesn't come up because I really am branded as people that are looking to, you know, to do, you know, monogamous relationships and they're looking to, they feel very clear on that. But I can tell you if I were, one of the first things that I would do is explore, of course, why and those things. But, but I think an early exercise at least for people is to really play out like, okay, well, why are we doing this?

And to play out like, okay, well, let's play out visually in our mind, what it's like going to be like the first time a partner comes home from a date and they're all like high from the experience. And maybe they've like kissed another human for the first time and they're feeling all giddy and feeling those emotions and they walk in the door and it's all over their face. You know, what's going to happen if, you know, when they decide to go out of town for the first time and if that's allowed, right? Like, is that allowed if it's not?

But if it is, what happens if they go away for their first, when they go away for their first weekend getaway and they're not, you know, texting you or calling you as much, and maybe you have your agreements around that, but how does that, how are you going to feel with that? And I bring this up because I think so many times when people move into these types of relationships, we fantasize all the hotness and we forget about these kinds of challenges. Right. And these are, you know, and these aren't things that like, these are possible to work through.

Like you and your husband have, I know many people who have a lot of people in my intimacy network, like other sex therapists and coaches that I work closely with. A lot of them are in open relationships. I know very, very well. I know it very much works well for many people, but I do think this part of like really like playing out the challenge of it and be like, okay, these are the challenges like, you know, that are going to come up. Am I okay with putting time, effort, and energy and strategy and conversation into these types of things?

How am I going to handle myself to stay emotionally regulated when I see this happening and my partner may be falling in love with another human? And I just think those are really important things to play out a little bit. And I think some people to play those out and they're like, okay, yes, these are challenges. We have a plan. These are our agreements of how we're going to take care of ourselves, you know, each other and take care of the relationship in these situations. They can be navigated.

And I think other people, if you play out those kinds of things, then some people take a step back and be like, oh, I actually like the hotness and I like the new nest, but all those things, other things I actually have zero interest in. And those are the kind of people that my work is really good for if they're like thinking about it. And then when they play things out, they're like, oh, those challenges I actually want nothing to do with. Then let's try to bring, let's work to bring in the good part as much as possible into that monogamy. Yeah.

I mean, my husband and I, when we first started, we did a soft launch that brought up a lot of issues that we then took a lot of time off to work through and figure out. Because it's important to know mentally and emotionally what's going to happen. And observing it, looking at it, exploring it in that way is beyond anything. It's the only thing that's really going to put you where you can fully understand it and then fully consent to it. Right. Because, because anytime we're doing this, we're dealing with so many different humans, depending upon, you know, the relationship style. Right.

And like one of the issues that I was running into with the second time I tried open was when anytime a new partner came in to my, my world or my ex-husband's world, they had their own set of boundaries, their own set of agreements, their own set of rules, oftentimes, you know, with another partner or with several other partners. And so if there's not a lot, if there's like gray zone on boundaries or there's not a good plan for how to talk about these with a primary partner, things become really muddled really fast because all of a sudden it's like, okay, well, that's their agreement.

And I want to be there for that other person because I'm not allowed to go out, you know, go away for weekend, get away. That maybe is not my agreement, but they're allowed. So then it can bring up that tension between like another we're all like outside partner. And the more I think we have like our boundaries clear to be like, Hey, this is just what is good for, you know, the relationship at hand. These are the agreements. The more it's easier to say to say another partner that comes in around like, hey, this is where I'm at. This is what I can offer.

This is like the respect of my relationship. Can we work inside these agreements? And if not, then that partner is probably somebody that is not the right partner to bring into the scenario. Yeah. You have to know where your points of tension are going to be. Right. Because the more points of tension you put on something, the more likely the rubber band is going to snap and everything's going to get like discombobulated. So I, um, I personally know that my relationship style, my, the way I, I work within ethical non-monogamy is I don't foster relationships outside of my marriage.

It's very transactional for me. And that is something that I have started really looking into, like how connection makes things better and how connection makes the pursuit of the orgasm better. Can you speak to ways to improve the tension before the orgasm? Are you, so are you talking about like the physical tension as far as building things up? Are you talking about emotionally? I'm unclear of your question.

Probably all of the above, because basically I just did an interview with a gentleman who talked about how he likes to text somebody before he has a meeting and really kind of build mentally the bricks. I see what you're saying. And then when they get there, there's already a little bit of energy happening. Yeah. And then you build those bricks with physical bricks. And then you get a much more sustainable, long lasting explosion of orgasmic pleasure. So can you speak to any of that? 100%.

One of the first things to say is I think in terms of foreplay, because what you're talking about to me is foreplay. And in terms of foreplay, a lot of times people think of it as like, you know, the 10 minutes of what we do physically before we get to the big inner foreplay. 10 minutes of licking the lollipop before we get to the... Totally, totally, exactly. Like that's basically, quote unquote, the societal definition of foreplay. But in many ways, foreplay is whatever is happening between one intimate act and the next.

But if that seems like too daunting for people, then at least 12 to 24 hours before we're being intimate. And one of the biggest areas that I really like to help people build tension actually goes back to my novelty checklist. It's one of the things that I love to use this for is because what this is giving, when we start talking about sex, so many couples don't flirt anymore, right? So many couples are like, you know, use the word transactional. So many couples long-term are transactional in their relationship. You know, you pick up the kids here. I take the dry cleaning.

We see each other for dinner. I cook, you clean up, yada, yada. It's like, it's sharing a task and logistics, right? Beautiful. You know, there's great purpose in that, but it does not foster flirting. It does not foster excitement. It does not foster building up this tension that we're talking about. So when we start using something like a novelty checklist, it's giving us ways to Thank you. excitement. It does not foster building up this tension that we're talking about. So when we start using something like a novelty checklist, it's giving us ways to flirt.

And so like, if, you know, we're going to try blindfolding, for example, for the first time, you know, that's what a couple found like, okay, this sounds fun. This sounds like a new, a new edge to explore. Well, then it gives us something all week or all day to start sending text messages and being like, oh, I picked out this outfit for my blindfold session or whatnot. Like whatever, of course, feels true to you. But you can start thinking about building the scene around it, what you're going to wear, what the room's going to be like. And you can start playing with that in your head.

And it gives you tangible things to start flirting with. And that starts to build attention.. And so that's another great use of that because oftentimes people I find like in long term are like, where do we start with this? It gives you an edge of how to practice that. So then yes, by the time you guys meet later in the day, home from work or whatever, then all of a sudden it's like, well, we've been like sending these flirty texts between tasks at work all day. Now there's already that level of tension there.

Another really important thing to say here is the difference between arousal and desire between men and women. Because so many times what I hear is I work with a lot of desire mismatch. And it can go either way. It can be any partner that is like experiencing desire mismatch. But in a hetero scenario, one of the biggest problems is we have, for women, desire happens second. Arousal happens first. So arousal happens before desire. And for men, desire happens before arousal.

So in this situation, even if there's flirting all day, a common thing in this scenario is everybody comes home and then the woman's like, well, I'm not really like, I had a really busy day. I'm tired. I'm not really in the mood. And even though there's this flirting, there's not that like mental desire. So to help people understand what I mean by desire for men first, arousal for women first, desires of the mind. So that's like, wow, my partner looks hot. My partner looks beautiful. I want them. That's like that thought in the mind. And then for men, arousal comes second.

So they see their partner, partner looks hot. Now they have a genital response, right? So now there is an erection. For women, arousal happens first. So the example I give for women is, okay, many times it's like not happening from in the head first. So she thinks she's not in the mood. Well, what women tend to find is a very common thing that women will say to me, which is, okay, I wasn't in the mood. I went for it anyways. And like 15, 20 minutes into it, I was like, oh, this actually feels great. And maybe when she's done, she says something to her partner like, well, that was great.

Why don't we do that more often? And that's because arousal happens before desire. So arousal is feeling all the sensations in the body. And so that takes a woman a little while to do frequently. And once the body starts feeling the present sensations of pleasure, usually 15 to 20 minutes in, that is usually actually when the mind kicks on and says, Hey, I want this new relationship. Energy is different. Bringing a new partner in is different, but in long-term relationships, that's what it is. So I wanted to mention that too, because when we're talking Thank you. hey, I want this.

New relationship energy is different. Bringing a new partner in is different. But in long-term relationships, that's what it is. So I wanted to mention that too, because when we're talking foreplay, when we're talking tension, there is an element of understanding that also how we build that is longer periods of sensual touch that are not actually sexual yet in nature. Maybe they're teasing the sexual, but we're just really getting in the body. We're really getting present before we begin to do something that's more sexual. Right. So you've been flirting all day. You have to come home.

You have to get kids where the kids need to be. You have to make dinner. This is the time when a man can step up and he can do a sensual kiss with his hand wrapped around the, you know, the back of your neck and rub your jaw and like really bring you in to your body, rub your arm while he's talking to you or, you know, touch your leg and under the table or play a little footsie, all of these things to awaken the body mind connection that the woman needs in order to be fully present for the arousal desire conundrum. Yes.

And, and also, you know, maybe it's also, Hey honey, I got the dishes tonight. You go take a 20 minute bath, get into your body just to do some breath work, do a little yoga, do some dancing, just whatever it takes for her to be like, okay, let go of the day. So everything you said, yes. And then I would also add on that around just like that moment. There's something about chore play. Yeah. Just is really erotic for women. It really is. Taking something off my plate. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. It, that'll, that'll do it probably more often.

Like you took the trash cans to the front without being asked. Oh my God. Yeah. So hot. It's so true. It's so true. And I can tell you some of the reason for that, like chemically is the way that testosterone acts on the brain is it lights up the brain in a way that the brain has more focused awareness.

So this is like, when I say this, like an example of this, like the very, you know, the very stereotypical example here is man's watching TV, a sports game and woman's like, and he's like just you know staring at the screen and what's happening there is testosterone has the ability to block things out more as far as because of the way the blood is actually placed in the brain with the testosterone dominant human beings so that allows more of this shunting out of this exterior. It also allows for more focus.

So what that means sexually is when it's like, okay, God, I have thousands of things to do all day and I've made thousands of decisions, but man gets home and like, oh wow, now it's sexy time. The ability to just get into that focus and not have all of those other things talking to him is really easy compared to estrogen brains. So estrogen brains, the superpower of estrogen is the diffuse level of awareness. And this is why women can like walk into a room and in one moment notice like, wow, there's like the trash needs to be taken out. There's dirt on the floor over there.

The kid's screaming, oh, the other kid's like asking for help with their homework and the phone's ringing. And somehow she's like simultaneously doing all, taking care of all five of these things almost seamlessly. That's the female thing. It's that diffuse awareness. And so superpower and like, like most, like any superpower, there is like the kryptonite, right? So there's a thing that it's like, okay, well now the superpower is not serving anymore. This is the hard thing. And so for women, when it comes to sex, I think I lost you there for a second. Oh, am I back? Yeah, you're back now.

Okay. Do you want me to repeat anything? Yes. Can you go back to the kryptonite? Yeah. So for, so we all have this, every superpower has a kryptonite. So for women, when we have the superpower of this diffuse level of awareness, when it comes to sex, what can happen is all of these other things are still in her awareness versus with men. It's like, oh, hot. My partner's hot. I'm turned off. That focus. For women, because of that diffuse level diffused level awareness is not that same level of focus.

So if she's thinking about these five, 10 different chores that still have to be done, all of a sudden one just disappearing. Now she doesn't have to focus on that. Now she is less on her plate. So the more we can just start to take these things away and make them non important in the moment, the more she's able to actually get closer to this, okay, now I can focus on the sensations of my body. Exactly. Yeah. When you're talking about it, it totally reminds me of that scene from The Blind Side. Oh, I haven't seen that. Okay.

So Sandra Bullock's in bed with Tim McGraw and he's like, ooh, sexy time. And she is like, we got to do this and oh, we got to do that. And he's like, um, and she goes, you knew I was a multitasker when you married me. Exactly. So it's exactly that thing where even though we're maybe in the moment, it doesn't stop our brain, which is why making sure that we are checking in and present is especially important for women because women can get very diffused and very thoughts leading everywhere.

So coming back, centering, focusing, mindfulness, mindfulness all very very important to the female pleasure in this capacity exactly exactly and that's why there has to be time put in here you know I asked I asked my partner one time my boyfriend if he could if there was like one thing that was different about like our relationship, what it would be. And he actually named this. He's like, he's like, I wish the female sex drive and the female arousal system could be more like the man's. Right. And, you know, we had a good laugh over it and everything.

But the point is, is that the more we have awareness of this, the more we can actually say, okay, there's priority here around, like, there's not anything wrong. But I think because of how we have the movies and porn and everything else, like, like projecting what sex is like, there's so many people that think that, oh, if the woman is not ready to go and wet and horny in like two minutes or less, that there's something wrong with her.

And I think there's a lot of women that think they're like not interested in sex just because the way that sex is portrayed is that women think that they should be like men. And it's really not like that at all. And so I think the more we can actually bring the awareness of like, no, this is actually more just the female version of this and this is what she needs, the more we can work together with, you know, with our partner or partners and solve this in a way that works for both. Right. And don't be afraid to use and need lube. Yes. Oh my God. Please. Your best friend.

The thing is, is that 70% of women actually orgasm better when they have, when they use lube. Yeah. It is not in any way, shape or form, some sort of statement on your ability to be sexy and to be sexual. Lube is just a helpful little tip, a helpful little piece in there. Well, and, and I'll name something else because there are We'll see you next time. lube is just a helpful little tip, a helpful little piece in there.

Well, and, and I'll name something else because there are people in the sex world that are teaching like, okay, if you're not like gushing wet as a woman, then you need like way more foreplay and it's all a foreplay problem, yada, yada. There's been so many studies now on genital non-concordance where people are, you know, women are basically doing like they're subjected to different images and the images they'll report around like, Oh yeah, that image definitely turns me on. And then there's probes inside their vagina measuring for wetness and whatnot.

And what's interesting and what's been found in some of these studies is some, like sometimes when women are showed like horrific images and are like, that definitely does not turn me on. They're actually more wet than when they're like shown really sexy images. And so we call that genital non-concordinates basically where the mind and the responsiveness of the genitals we're realizing are not always super related.

Like sometimes they are, but sometimes're not so i think we need to and sometimes i'm sorry but sometimes fluid to the vagina is a fear response because exactly that's exactly what's happening in those horrific pictures we walk around with these vaginas all day long and we know that we're not safe with carrying these vaginas if we could leave them at home right that would be a totally different story but we're not but that fear response like a lot of times women feel like they can't report a rape or something because of the fact that oh they got wet well that's what this discon say that word again non-concordance non-concordance.

That non-concordance, that's what that is. It's your body protecting itself. Exactly. So maybe let's not put as much focus on the volume of liquid being the barometer by which we judge arousal in a female. Correct. Maybe we throw in a little lube to make things slide and make things glide and do all the sexy bits. Yeah. And lube, you know, from a standpoint of our earlier conversation on novelty and in the thing category, when I said people, places, and thing, things, I put lube in that category because trying different lubes, there's some really bad lubes out there.

So there's definitely some really gross ones, but there's a lot of really good ones. And the difference in sensation between a silicone lube versus a water base versus an oil lube, it can actually change some of the sensation. And so it's just another way to bring in novelty is to just experiment with different styles of lubes and combine lubes in different ways. It can just add another easy way of creating just a small amount of novelty into the relationship. Right. Yeah.

Like a, I think I had one time a coconut oil massage that was really, really stimulating because it was like, it gave you the smell of the tropics and it gave you the, the easy slide and glide and it was all really natural and it didn't like hurt everything. Well, I do want to caution against coconut oil because coconut oil actually has an antimicrobial component to this.

So I do about this in my my new book want to want it I have a whole section on lubes and how to choose lubes because coconut oil a lot of people are using it because it is more natural and that's great from the standpoint of like okay you don't have all these chemicals there's a lot of chemicals that disrupt the hormonal system a lot of things that you really don't want in your vagina but and so coconut oil is good in that way but it does have a very antimicrobial Thank you.

hormonal system a lot of things that you really don't want in your vagina but and so coconut oil is good in that way but it does have a very antimicrobial component to it so we want to be careful about anything that's antimicrobial unless we have a you know a situation where we have a yeast infection or a bv or something like that because we want to make sure we are preserving the health of the good bacteria in the vagina because that's what's keeping the vagina healthy. So from a natural oil standpoint, MCT oil will work a lot better. Avocado oil, jojoba oil.

So those kinds of oils, MCT is probably my favorite with that because there is still an anti-nice anti-inflammatory effect with it. So coconut oil coconut oil, like from a standpoint of like using it as like full body, love it. But I would actually recommend that people stay away from it vaginally just because of the impact on the vaginal microbiome. Perfect. Yeah. Cause I will be frank with you. I don't use a lot of lube because I keep things very damp down there. And so So since, you know, it's all fun and games until Surprise Anal because there was too much lube. Right.

Just going to slide over there and not even talk about it. Exactly. Stop, drop, and roll. Stop, drop, and roll. But no, I mean, it's one of those things where knowing information about your body and not judging your body because of its reaction and not letting other people judge your body because of its reaction. I think it's very, very important because as women, I don't know how men feel, but I do know that women, we take on a lot. We take on a lot of the social, the societal like commentary and we talk about, oh, well, they're doing this in porn and oh, I guess I should be doing.

Well, no, you need to be true to your body. Yeah. And what your body's going through because it's important. I think men feel it too. You know, I really do. I think there's a lot of pressure on pleasing a woman and on them not being a good lover if there's not an orgasm. And they're like, you know, there's much pressure around like, well, I need to be able to bring her to orgasm in five minutes or less, or there's something wrong with me. So I think there's a lot of pressure on men that way. And I think it especially happens when erectile dysfunction starts to happen.

And that's when we can get into that vicious cycle where it's like, okay, well, my dick's not working as much as it used to be. Right. And then the man can think like, okay, well now I can't provide this and the psychosomatic component. I've, I've seen couples in my work where I've just taught them how to talk about that in safe and loving and kind ways. And then erectile dysfunction just goes away like that because they break that psychological trauma. So I really, I mean, obviously I think women have a lot of trauma here too, but I do think it's bi-directional.

I think we're just in the culture because of the media and the porn and everything where there's different, it's different, but there's different societal pressures on each gender that way. Exactly. And here's something that I think should be said loud. Men do not come with a guidebook on how to fuck. They don't instantly know. And expecting every man to know how to please women is not sustainable. We as women need to speak up and say, this is how my body works and give them that information. Because it's not fair to say, oh, well, he's the man, so he should just know.

That's not how, that's not like he did. None of us came out of the womb knowing the ABCs. Well, and then to add another point to that, another point is like we see so much change over years to the vulva, to the vagina, right? So it's like, well, at some point, for example, the G spot can get scar tissue over it. It can be healed.

You know, this is going to be a permanent thing, but you might find that at one point, all of a a sudden like certain areas of the vagina or certain areas of the vulva due to changes due to trauma due to childbirth due to hormonal changes due to aging a lot of other factors pelvic floor shifts health you know various health problems that all of a sudden one part of your genitals one part of your breasts one part of your body is all of a sudden more excitable than it used to be. And another part that maybe used to be like, wow, they're like, like this was the go-to way, like this was the go-to.

Right. And then all of a sudden it's like, well, that's not working as much anymore. So, so it's not only like, it's not just what you're saying around coming into the room. It's just, there's also that layer that I want to add on top of that, which is we also change. And if we're not exploring our own bodies to understand like, wow, how interesting is this? Like that used to work for me five years ago. And like my body is whatever reason, like not as responsive there. If we're not able to like recognize that in ourselves, how are we ever expecting a partner to be able to do that?

It just doesn't even make sense. It doesn't. Yeah. We should definitely put more conversation and less judgment and more being curious about one another because women, you can do the exact same thing to men because men's bodies change too. Yes. Things don't quite as as it once was. So now let's figure out how to evoke more. I love the fact that you're out there doing this work. It is very important because so much of what we consider our identity is linked to who we are sexually.

It's very clear, LGBTQ plus community, there's something about your sex drive that is something that identifies you. so if that is the case, we need to make sure that we're putting as much information into our sexual identity as we possibly can. And I love the fact that you're out there helping people discover what their sexual identity truly is, unmoored by all the shame and dogma. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. It's definitely, definitely a really important thing.

You know, one of the stats I've heard is that 70% of people, according to some surveys, want to talk to their doctor about sex and don't. So it really shows like, okay, this desire, but this almost like this lack of safety or lack of ability or shame with bringing it up and, you know, a lot of different reasons. So I think there's a huge, huge need to just have a safe space to come together and be like, how can I learn? How can I ask questions? How can I actually realize that my sexual health, like you're saying, like this is a huge part of who we are. This is very, very normal.

This is very healthy. And we need to stop saying this is not part of the health world and start actually bringing it into the conversation. Exactly. Cause it's not only about your physical health, it's about your mental health. It's about your, it's about so many aspects of just moving through your daily life. And if we can be authentic to our sexual self, it helps us to be more authentic to our physical self and our mental self and all of these other pieces that all come together in this beautiful thing we like to call life. Exactly.

I would love to get your, um, I'm going to be putting your, um, website as a link in the show description. So please send that to me. And then is there anything, are there any other resources that you're providing that we should be aware of? I definitely want everybody to know about my new book, want to want it. So you can find it at want to want it.com. Um, I'm not sure when this podcast is being released, but it's right now there's a lot of free bonuses on the website for, um, for, uh, taking it and being an earlier adopter of it. Cause it just, it just got coming out a week from Monday.

Just. Okay. Beautiful. Yeah. So that'll be perfect. So if you go to want it, want to want to want it.com, you'll find a ton of free bonuses for you, lots of free resources for purchasing the book. And then I mentioned my yes, no, maybe novelty checklist. That's at mysexdoc.com. Also, if you go to my website, you'll see a freebies button. So my website's mylibidodoc.com. Like you said, that'll be in the show notes. But you'll see a freebies button. And I have all sorts of different freebies for people. Anything from, you know, lube guide.

There's also information about lube in my book to low libido quiz, where you are, you take this quiz, very highly developed quiz. And then based upon your quiz answers, it populates a list of tests of lab tests that are really important probably to figure out what's going on. So it helps you self-advocate for yourself with your doctor. So really cool resources like that. And you can all find that, like I said, at mylibido.com. Perfect. Well, I really appreciate you coming on my show and I am so grateful for all of the information that you've provided for my listeners.

And seriously, I cannot thank you enough for giving so much of your time to me and my listeners. Thank you. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for having me. You're so welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today on the Pineapple Pinup, The Hot Wife Life. I'll see you next time.