Party burnout?

Transcript

Welcome to the Pineapple Pinup the Hot Wife Life podcast. On today's podcast I'm going to talk about how expectations can kind of murder your experience. I've had a string of bad luck going to parties that I had expectations of. When you have expectations sometimes that can actually kill what's happening in the here and now. It can murder your ability to be present, okay? Because it's not living up to the fantasy. This is something that happens a lot in this particular lifestyle. Somebody decides that they want to get into this lifestyle and it is not at all what they wanted it to be.

And they're so busy trying to direct it that it becomes this shell of an experience and nobody likes that nobody likes steven spielberg showing up at a hot wife party trying to direct the scene so i've been having a lot of problems lately with the parties that i've been going to not because of the fact that the part there's anything inherently wrong with the parties but because of the fact that I'm setting myself up for disappointment I'm going with the assumption that things are going to be off and then I talk myself into the fact that it's off okay this all started a back.

I had gone to a party with my friend Scoot and my husband, and we were at this party and Scoot said, the vibe feels off. And then I started realizing that the vibe did feel different than it normally did. and then I started having expectations that the vibe was off the vibe was off and this is nothing to do with so I went to a party and the there was a lot of talk about the vibe being off and it sort of resonated with me it resonated with me in this way that like it wasn't my normal cast of characters. It wasn't my normal cast of characters. I had a great time at the party.

I ended up, there was one particular guy that was like kind of throwing me off. So I went to one party where I was very sure that the vibe was gonna be perfect and it it was going to be great. And then something happened. I got offended. And rather than be a dickhead at the party and start throwing a tantrum, I decided to be a grownup and walk the fuck away, walk away and just let it be. The problem is, is that when you go to these parties, there's an expectation that you're going to be at this party. It tends to be like, why are you leaving? You are why I came.

So there was a lot of pushback on me leaving like an adult. And that became kind of its own inherent drama. So I created a drama that didn't need to be created. And I feel badly about it now because it has resonated. I don't know how I should have handled it differently. I was completely fucking offended by what happened. And I did not want that to play out at the party. But no matter how many times I've tried to let bygones be bygones, there is something going on that keeps bringing this thing to the foreground. And it has now ruined at least three other parties.

And I'm trying my very damnedest to get like, this was a nothing. This was a miscommunication. This was somebody saying something in a way that I found offensive, but it was probably just me being sensitive. It was probably just me being aggressively not, I wasn't listening to him. He wasn't listening to me. And he said something that pissed me off to the point that I was like, fuck you. And I had every right to say, fuck you. And I had every right to walk out of the party.

And I don't know how to get to the point where I feel comfortable being in the same room with him because now it's just gotten embarrassing. Now it's just gotten to the point where nobody will let it die. And I'm not sure how to fix it. So now I've got this drama. I've got a whole other set of like, the temperature has been wrong and the blah, and the allergy season and yada. There's so much going on that is just putting me off the game that I'm having a little trouble figuring out how to go to parties and be present. But I went to one party this weekend.

I went to one party and I literally sat there and chatted with these girls, like my new bestie and these other two girls that were there. And it was so incredibly fun. And I played and I showered some people, but I was social. I was social in a way that I don't usually get. I don't usually go and sit down and talk to the other wives. And this was a swinger party. So the expectations of communication are different at a, at a hot wife party than they are at a swinger party.

And when I sat down and actually participated in the swinger portion of the swinger party, where I was communicating with the wives and I wasn't just focused on who's going to get it in, it was a completely different experience. It was a completely different, huh, okay. And the thing is, is that I have a hard time communicating with women at times a hard time not focusing on somebody and what they're bringing to the table and what they're they have that I lack I don't spend a lot of time talking to women because of the fact that there's an inherent competition there.

There's an inherent like a scarcity of resource. And I am very, very aware of the fact that I have physical flaws that other women may not. And I am so busy comparing myself to the women that men don't even see the things that I'm seeing. I walk into a room and I am sexual and confident and doing all of the things that are going to attract attention. So there's absolutely no reason for the thought process in the back of my head to catalog how I rank in comparison to the other women in the room. This is not a competition.

And if it were a competition, I'm not entirely sure that I know the grade by which everyone is being ranked. And to be completely honest, it's none of my fucking business how other people are ranking me and I myself need to get off that trolley that is running around like body dysmorphia town okay my sexuality does not come solely from my body it comes from my mind. It comes from the, just the fear, the sheer volume of my sexuality is cannot be encompassed in one small thing. It is everything. And I do my very level best not to let the bad thoughts ruin me.

But sometimes I realized that I'm not talking to these women because of the fact that I am intimidated. I am intimidated by the other women at the party. Men are much easier to talk to. Men give me the flirt. They give me the feedback. They give me the, you're in the right spot. You're doing the right thing. And talking to women, I have a harder time. If they're thinking about me the same way I'm thinking about them as competition, as scarcity of resource, yada, that can be something that impedes our ability to speak. But I got over my shit. I got over myself.

And I sat down with a very good friend of mine. He was actually on the show not long ago, Night Owl. I sat down and talked to his wife and his wife was like, I think we need to be friends. And I was like, all right, best friends. Here we go. And we decided that night that we were going to be best friends. That was just how it was going to go. And we ended up talking so much. We roped a couple other girls into talking with us. And I did a whole TED talk on the difference between my sex life pre-hysterectomy and my sex life after my hysterectomy and the difference between the highs and the lows.

Because there are highs and there are lows. Okay. And one day I'm going to get into it. I'm going to do a whole thing on here about the difference between my sex life pre and my sex life post. And that's an important distinction. So I'm going to, I think I'm going to go through it because I think a lot of people need to actually hear what my differences are so that that way you can kind of understand and why I made the choice for myself to do it that way and what I've lost. But anyway, I'm going to get into that. So I'm at this party and I'm talking to these women and I am comfortable.

I am relaxed. I am not trying too hard. I am not pushing too hard. I am not trying to, I'm not trying to get them to like me. They just, we just do. We're just in that zone where we're really feeling the female energy. And of course I sprayed all over people. There was a lot, there was a lot going on. I ended up playing a lot of times. I ended up having a lot of fucking fun. My husband actually had a pretty good time. It was probably the most relaxed we've been at a party in a hot minute. The success of that party does not diminish the failure of the previous parties. Okay.

The previous party, um, and this is the one that I kind of really want to get into. We went to a party and the gentleman that I had a beef with showed up. So we decided to leave that party and go to another party.

So we went to this other party and the other party was based, was in place that had like a loft so it was like kind of two stories and then the heat rose and then everybody was upstairs playing instead of being downstairs playing because people were sitting on the bed as if it were the bed downstairs as if it were some sort of like couch and blocking the ability for people to play there because there wasn't a lot of room to sit and hang out. So they put it in a position that everybody who wanted to play had to go upstairs.

And then the guy who was the troop leader of the bedsitters comes upstairs and tries to coax everybody to come downstairs because nobody's playing on that bed. Well, nobody's playing on that bed because y'all are sitting on it fool. Anyway, so this gentleman and I have had multiple run-ins in the past. I've played with him before, have had beef with him before, and I really don't enjoy him as a person anymore. And we went, and apparently he decided that since I was no longer communicating with him, he wanted to go and have a conversation with my husband to ingratiate himself.

And the way he chose to ingratiate himself was to create a common enemy, okay? This is a normal tactic where you find something to be judgmental about and then you try to get people on your team so they'll be judgmental with you so that you'll have a bonding experience. But what this guy chose to bond over was something that was a fear trigger for my husband, which ruined his fucking night. Okay. So this gentleman came up and said, yeah, after having a mediocre conversation with my husband, he decided that he was going to run this tack.

And he said, half these guys here are fucking these ladies tonight, but tomorrow they're going to be sucking somebody's cock. Now, my husband just recently decided to put it out to the world via our FetLife page and via, you know, this podcast that he wanted to explore bisexuality. So the fact that this guy is coming to him and, you know, he's like, and then of course he had to say, I'm not homophobic, but if you have to say you're not homophobic, you might be saying something homophobic. I'm not, I'm not a wordsmith, but I'm thinking if you have to explain that you're not, you might be.

So he was trying to get my husband on board with his opinion. And my husband, obviously this guy doesn't pay attention to what my husband is doing, which is fine. He doesn't need to. But the fact that he started poking on something that my husband was already scared of, because one of the reasons why it took him so long to come out and say all of the things he was looking to explore was because of the fact that he did not want it to interfere with my ability to play. And that a lot of people don't have tolerance for bisexuality in this realm.

A lot of bulls don't have like, and because of the fact that he's bisexual, they're going to look at me and have, and be scared to actually play with me.

So my husband is now real time experiencing this thing that he was afraid of in the way that he was afraid it was going to happen and literally felt all of the all of the reasons why he didn't want to do this in the first place why he didn't want to say it out loud in the first place coming to roost and it took me a very long time to find out what was wrong with him we actually left the party early and he wouldn't talk about it until we were like an hour away. And I was like, oh, turn around, turn around.

And he's like, no, we're not turning around because I wanted to literally lay into this guy. I wanted to literally put this guy in his place, but that's not going to work. That's not something I'm not going to be able to yell at him and get him to feel contrite. It's not what's going to happen. I'm going to get, I'm going to yell at him. He's going to feel defensive. Contrition is not something you can scream into somebody. So I had to realize that this was just what it was. And I had to deal with the fallout of now my husband felt some kind of way. He felt like he was right to be scared.

He felt like he had reason to be. He like, he never should have did. He never should have come out like he did. And I'm looking at him and I'm thinking to myself, I need him to be as authentic to himself as possible. Otherwise, this doesn't work. If we are not authentic to ourselves, if we are not telling our truth, if we are not being true to ourselves, if we are not full throated in our consent, we're not doing it the way it needs to be done. And somebody else's opinion has no bearing on our journey. Our journey has to be true to us.

Because if we're traveling down roads, pretending like, and we're pretending like things don't exist, or we're creating shame around them, we're not doing the thing that we want to do. We're not creating the life that we want to create. We're letting the secrets keep us ashamed, keep us from doing things we want to do. I'm not at all okay with taking our relationship backwards, even if people have opinions about how we live our life. The only opinion that matters in my relationship with my husband is my husband. And the only, and the only opinion that should matter to my husband is mine.

And I'm saying that not because of the fact that we don't want other people. I'm saying that because we're a unit, we're a team, we're together. And if what he does is okay with me and what I do is okay with him, then nobody else gets to weigh in on it. Nobody else gets to decide whether or not our actions meet their approval. I don't care about your approval. And I'm not saying that to be rude. I'm saying that because it's the only way you can live honestly.

You have to embrace who you are, what you're doing, and you have to be okay with the fact that it's gonna get messy it's going to get other people are not going to enjoy what you're doing other people are going to try to judge you not because of the fact that they have any right or reason to do so but because of the fact that we're fucking human. We're human and judging people and is a societal, is a way that we keep society in check. Okay. It's a natural behavior, but you have to, especially in this lifestyle, you have to decide whose judgment matters to you.

You have to be okay with some people not liking your choices. You have to decide whose judgment matters to you. You have to be okay with some people not liking your choices. You have to be okay with the fact that I get why you think that. I get why you're saying what you're saying. But my reality is my reality. And as long as my husband is okay with me fucking a hundred fucking guys, why do I care what you think? You have to know where your societal pressure should be coming from, where your ability to cave to opinion is working for you in the best possible way.

My husband is my barometer of social expectation. He's the one that I look to and say, are you okay with this? Am I stepping outside the societal norms too far for you? And as long as his answer is a resounding no, I'm good to go. Okay. Judgment is ingrained in our DNA. It's how we, it's how cancel culture became so fucking huge. Okay. It is in our DNA because this is how we get people to fall in line with how things need to be done with a moral structure. Okay. By making the townspeople rise up with their pitchforks is how we get people to behave the way we want them to.

And you have to decide who it is that's carrying the pitchfork that you care about, that you want to fall in line with. Because we're never going to get away from that, okay? We're never going to get away from being judged societally. But you have to decide whose judgment matters and whose judgment is just fluff, whose judgment is just noise, whose judgment is just background information, okay? My societal expectations, my desire to conform to a plot point is 100% based on how my husband and I are communicating about it.

There are things that we draw lines on abso-fucking-lutely because anybody who is an adult knows that there are lines you don't cross, okay? There are lines you just don't cross, and we're not crossing those lines, okay? So as long as we are performing to each other's expectations, and we are chatting about what we're trying to accomplish, and our judgments are keeping us in line with those accomplishments, that is all I need to know. So some bozo deciding to bring forth his desire to bond over something that has zero to do with him, it's not something I can really control.

It's kind of like the whole misunderstanding with the gentleman at the party that I went to I couldn't control how it went after that I couldn't control how it went after I had my part in it after I said I'm not going to engage I'm going to get the fuck out of here because I'm irritated and I don't want to bring the irritation level of the party to a boil because I left. Now I have, now there's societal pressure on this guy to conform how he speaks to me specifically. And I don't know, I don't know how to control the narrative.

I don't know how to control any of it because it's not something that I, I'm not ready to engage face-face with the gentleman because things have gotten so completely out of fucking hand that now I'm like, what are we even doing? So I don't, this is one of those cases where societal pressure has run amok and I don't know how to pull it all back. But again, the, I have done my part. I've spoken out. I've told people, you don't need to ban this gentleman. You don't need to. It was a miscommunication between the two of us. My husband's not ready to forgive him. That's my husband. That's his.

And I'm like, I don't want to engage. But at the same time, he has every right to be there. I know how to walk away. I have these legs and I use them step by step to walk the fuck away, to get out of the situation where I don't feel comfortable, which is fine. But I am also not trying to force anybody else to do anything for this with this gentleman. I don't know how to, I really don't know how to communicate that any better. And it is really becoming a problem for me because everybody wants the tea. Everybody wants the, let's share the judgments.

And I'm like, that's not something we got to do. Okay, guys, we can all just be adults adults we don't have to stake this guy out like a goat he's fine he didn't it was a miscommunication he spoke to me in a way I did not like I'm allowed to not like him I'm allowed to not like what he did but that doesn't have that should not have any effect on anybody else and I'm not trying to pressure anybody else into an ostracizing of this person. So that's why I tried not to share my truth. I tried not to share it with a large audience.

I told a couple of people that it mattered that, and now it's, and how do you fix it? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I honestly don't know how something like this gets fixed. So here we are, two sides of the same fucking coin, two sides of societal pressure. You have to decide who's taking on that mantle, whose judgment you're listening to, whose opinion matters to you. Now, what I have found by this whole situation with this one gentleman is that my opinion does matter. My opinion does carry some weight.

And the fact that this gentleman felt like it was okay to speak to me in a certain way might be something that people want to be rid of. And I understand that. I understand that entirely. But there's two sides to the tale. There's his side and there's my side. My side was he was an offensive prick. His side is he thought I was done. Even though I made it very specifically that I wanted to be continuing in this area, he was trying, he was trying to do something that I felt like he was just trying to get me the fuck out of there. And so I got the fuck out of there.

Now, my not trying to create the, I'm not trying to ostracize the man. It's not what I'm doing. Okay, so let's talk a little bit about Love Honey. Love Honey has actually come on to sponsor this podcast. And if you go to Love Honey and you decide you want to go shopping, please let them know that I sent you. There's a drop-down menu that says that've heard about it on the pineapple pinup pod. And there's also a promo code that you can use pineapple 15 that you'll get that will give you 15% off. I'm super, super excited to be partnering up with Love Honey.

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I really appreciate it I know that you guys know that i'm sponsored by love honey right now pineapple 15 to get your 15% off You can check me out on my patreon. You can check me out on my socials. They're listed in the show description. If you would like to talk to me, and I have a couple of listener questions that I want to kind of go over probably next episode. Next episode is going to kind of be a TED talk, I think.

But the next episode, I'm going to go into some of the questions that I've gotten in my email, pineapple pineapple pinup pod at gmail.com reach out to me if you have a question if you have a comment or if you have anything you want to talk about I am all ears