Krazy Truth #76 Hocus Pocus we had no focus LOL

Transcript

Speaker1: Hey kids, the program you're about to listen to contains some adult situations, adult language, themes, and other adult topics. If you're easily offended, this show's not for you. Hey you crazy motherfuckers, welcome back to another edition of Crazy Truth. I am your host with the most, I am Cole, and I am here with here with the lovely lovely and somewhat bloody in the eye miss amanda no i haven't punched her yet uh that would be the key phrase hey guess what this is season two episode number 76 sweet and we are ready to rock and roll and take your questions and spew our knowledge of the world and all things swing or sex and otherwise on you and at you and to you. But we're going to do something a little bit different here. We can get a selfie so I can put this on Twitter.
Speaker2: You want one?
Speaker1: No, I just said that for no fucking reason.
Speaker2: You are being a dick.
Speaker1: Pretty much. Uh-huh, just so we can put that on Twitter.
Speaker3: Yay.
Speaker1: There we go. So you guys need to follow us on Twitter. If so we can put that on Twitter. Yay. There we go. So you guys need to follow us on Twitter. If you haven't followed us on Twitter, it's at Truth Crazy. But since Miss Amanda just said to me, she made the smart-ass comment, aren't you going to shut up? So here we go. And the show is yours.
Speaker2: You're so
Speaker1: funny
Speaker2: don't be a
Speaker3: dick
Speaker2: you are one
Speaker1: this is making for great radio just so you
Speaker3: know
Speaker1: wow yeah she can dish it but
Speaker2: she can't
Speaker1: fucking take it sorry miss
Speaker3: daisy
Speaker1: you have to be fucking nice to
Speaker3: me you gotta go
Speaker1: to work tomorrow and there's a chance to snow so you have to be nice to me Thank you. Yeah, she can dish it, but she can't fucking take it. Sorry, Miss Daisy. You have to be fucking nice to me. You got to go to work tomorrow. And there's a chance to snow, so you have to be nice to me. Yeah. When do I get sympathy? When the fuck do you get sympathy? You spent all week getting fucking sympathy. Are you fucking shitting me? Oh, my God. For those of you who don't know, this last week, Miss Amanda, we had 75 appointments. We're gearing up for what it's going to be like when we're old as fuck. No shit. We had appointments, dentist appointments, and back to the dentist, and an eye appointment, and she gouged her eye out. We don't know what the hell's going on. Now she's walking around contagious. It looks like I fucking poked her in the eye. She looks like she's got porn star eye, which is an actual thing, where they take cum in the eye. Yep. And it's just like. Everybody keeps, that was the first joke when I said gosh my eye is irritated and go well you know cole shouldn't shit is loaded in your face and i'm like and cole never gets you just so we're perfectly fucking clear that's even like a birthday thing so hey if you want a really good chance to get to like hook up with me you don't even have to be my type you tell me that i can just blow my load in your face like you're probably gonna get a shot just well like two shots that'll be a double barrel shotgun but bang so anyway so what do you mean yeah so you got sympathy did i did i not did i not do the run around and get you places and then when you were feeling shitty the one day and you're home all day did i not make sure you can nap and and all that shit no you did yeah okay just just fucking checking just making sure okay neat anyway i'm sorry i'm such a douche anyways so uh and hey but not only that did you not get out and have to go into my fucking mother's house and help you? I spent all day yesterday helping my mom. Did you not, did I not say, hey, you probably shouldn't go there because your eye is fucking bloody and stuff.
Speaker2: It's not like it is now.
Speaker1: No, but I mean, because I said you shouldn't get seen. So let's be nice.
Speaker3: Jesus.
Speaker1: People right now are going to be listening to this going, this doesn't sound like a typical swingers podcast.
Speaker3: No.
Speaker1: What are they talking about? That's fucking weird. Well, you know, it's our's our show it's the truth it's not just truth it's crazy truth hence the title wow that's vodka all right uh no actually why are we not drinking when we do these i have no idea what the fuck the fuck is the matter with us? Because we can't get loaded by the time it's over. Shit. There'd be a fucking seven hour podcast. We'd just sit here and drink ourselves silly. We could. Yeah, absolutely. So, okay. Now, wait a minute. So, this Thursday, it's coming Thursday, it's Halloween, right? Uh-huh. Okay, so when this new show comes out, it'll officially be Halloween, which pretty much Halloween's over because all the good swinger parties are already done with, right? But for those of you that- Yeah, there's another one this coming weekend. Yeah, there is one. Well, there's several, I'm sure. But I mean, we're kind of wrapping up. So this show will actually come out on, this is our spooktabulous edition. See, there we go. Oh, fuck. You know what? That'll be our theme. Let's do that. What's the scariest thing? Let's just jump in, shall we? What's the scariest what? What's the scariest sex thing you've done since you've become a swinger? What's the scariest thing you've done? Yeah, what's the scariest sex thing you've done since you've become a swinger? See, show keeping with the scheme scheme theme what the fuck with the theme what's the scariest thing you've done walk into a party for the first time am i wrong i don't know but you said sex thing sex thing actually yeah actual sex remember. No name. I don't know. There isn't one that I can think of. Nothing scary that you've ever done? I guess most of the time we didn't think. We just did. It's not like you had time to worry about what the first threesome was going to be like or anything like that. It was just like, all of a sudden there's dicks, dicks everywhere, dicks. Scary's all relative, you know.
Speaker2: Have I had sex with a clown?
Speaker3: No.
Speaker1: Okay, now you know me. That's debatable.
Speaker2: Okay, maybe you are clown.
Speaker1: You know, not me, you fucking bitch. What the fuck? No, but you know what's funny is now that we have clowns on our page like literally clowns oh that's right great congratulations honk honk all i can tell you is this this will be fun for you i don't know for me because you know i don't know how many other clowns we in a vagina a clown vagina it's like a car. They just keep popping out. Boing. Wow. If it's a scary clown, that gets kind of worked out. Okay, what's the scariest thing you've ever done? Put me on it fucking sexually. Put me on the block there. Are we going back with that whole no-name thing? Is that a scary no-name thing? Well, I can think of a couple people that I was just like, what the hell? Okay, well, that's that. After the fact, I was just like, my poor penis, I'm so sorry I stuck you there. That wasn't really a scary moment, because if it was that scary, you'd have backed out. Nuh-uh. No, the bravado and the liquor would have powered me right fucking through. No. You know what it was? The first couple we hooked up with going back the second time. Okay. I don't know her name, but that was scary. I was not attracted to her in any way. Don't say it. I was not attracted to her in any way, shape, or form. They're not like a real couple, and they're not on. Yeah. But I don't know what they're on. I don't care if they're listening or not. But I still tried to stick my dick in that batch of crazy a second time. I don't remember what her name was either. She almost killed me, for Christ's sakes. Yeah. Okay, I can see that. That was like going and trying to fuck Hannibal Lecter or some shit, and then going back and go, you didn't rip it off and yank it completely off my body so round two fight a sexual act it doesn't mean what I've been scared of that one that one scared me when I went back in well I was I was nervous so I was I was drinking heavily I had the power power of Christ compelled me because we'd just done a wedding so I was like yep there you go that's pretty good so hey by the way why we're doing this uh we are um what the fuck are we doing we're live we're live on our secret secret facebook page crazy kazma uh so they're listening so feel free if you guys have something scary sexy you've done again no names please uh feel free to interject actually you know here's a scary thing that i see all the time because we know that i do this full time right this is what i do right sex is my business now so casbank or not sex i mean it's not a porn business but you know it gives me an excuse to look at porn pages anyways uh so i'm on reddit all the time and you know one of the things i love about our listeners and our listeners and viewers uh is they're not morons no seriously every time i go on like reddit some of these you see the same thing like 50 million times hey i need advice how can i convince my wife to swing i know here you go step one go back to the stone ages convince her she should be barefoot and pregnant drag her around by her hair and then go hey by the way honey I want you to fuck other people you can't convince other people to swing it doesn't work like that I see it all the time and the best thing is I see people's responses to it well you probably you probably shouldn't, but good, honest communication goes a long way.
Speaker2: That's a generic answer.
Speaker1: Well, that's the difference from convincing. That's just talking about fantasy fetishes and otherwise. That's one thing. Trying to convince is like, that's fucking, that's scary. That'll get you.
Speaker2: I tried for 19 years.
Speaker1: But you know what? I never tried to sucker you into it yeah suck uh no i just i constantly just badgered i mean i would i was just straightforward about what i wanted like you know shouldn't we try this won't this be fun i mean i never tried to you know it's not like i set up a look i see on some of the shit that i go to throughout the course of the week i see people that have tried to they have purposely suckered their spouse to go to uh what they knew was going to be a swinger party without telling their spouse now that's some scary shit i don't care who you are i i think i've heard that before yeah well people try that shit all the time and i'm just sitting there going i'm i every time i read something like that i just picture what what that conversation would have been like on the way home you play stupid go oh my god i didn't know that's what you would see right through that shit with me you would see right through that shit with me they told me it was this then now there's part goes, well, if you had enough drinks, would you go ahead and say, well, fuck it, when in Rome, when we first started, which I don't know. And there's part of me, I can envision the look that you would give me. And when I tried to tell you with a straight face, which there'd be no way that would happen, that I had no idea, you would be fucking livid. Yeah, I'd be a little upset. You would kick my ass. Actually, I could see if you were really thinking and just to be pissed, you'd walk in with some dude and just fucking jump on the FBI. No, I wouldn't. Rodeo night. No, I wouldn't, and you'd know that. I wouldn't, and you'd know that. I don't know. You'd be pretty fucking pissed off. There's a distinct possibility. I'd have stomped out before I would have done anything. Come on. You know me better than that. So does that mean we have to leave? But my dick is out. Yeah. Okay. What's the scariest Halloween costume you've seen? Ooh, let's do that. And the only reason I'm bringing that up, again, keeping with the theme of scary, is because the one thing you have to love about strippers, no, not strippers. Fuck me running. Why are we doing this show again? The one thing you got to love about swingers, or strippers for that matter uh is when halloween comes like all all you can take the most fucking uh rational individual in the world and they become a swinger at halloween and that shit is right out the fucking window the thing is are we talking like scary scary or they shouldn't have been wearing that. Or that's a lot to shock. Because really, when you think about it, everybody's trying to be sexy to get laid. So they're not trying to scare people away. Why are you giggling? That's true. That's what they're supposed to be doing hey look look i'm just gonna say it the fucking the dude that was a feather duster you know that was what three four years ago now that's probably longer okay but we were not brand new and i thought i had seen pretty much been to a ton of halloween parties by the time we saw that i thought'd seen enough stuff in life, in life experiences, because I didn't want to look like he just had feathers sticking out of his ass. I was just like... It was at the front. He's wearing a thong. I was just like, what in the flying... When you have to ask, what is your costume? And we were not... Again, now, here's the thing. Understand, we're not making fun of people for what they wear. Kudos. But I'm telling you, I have seen people that. And we knew nothing of the BDSM lifestyle. No, yeah. So we had no clue about why she was a maid and had him on a chain. Oh, yeah, we were fucking completely just clueless. Yeah, yeah, the first time you see some of the BDSM stuff and when you don't have a clue you're just like now i look back and go okay that's kind of funny yeah at the time i was like what the hell that was almost as bad as the first time you remember when we went into a restaurant when it was like uh comic-con was going on and these fucking kids coming in dressed as fucking just furry things. And it wasn't it wasn't an actual fur. No, it wasn't an actual furry. It was it looked like Gumby furred out. Yeah, I was just like I remember just sitting there going, I was drunk. And the people we were with were drunk. We were all drunk sitting in a Denny's. I was just like, oh, we got to fucking leave gonna end so fucking badly oh my god yeah and it but it is the look the first time you go to a halloween a swinger halloween party i don't care if you've been at all you're up to that like if you started the day after halloween the year before you're not gonna be prepared for it you you are just no no for what seeing that for halloween is the holy grail of of uh swinger holidays i don't care what anybody says halloween is fucking 20 times bigger than new year's eve it's bigger than than there's nothing halloween is the swinger holiday okay because at this point in time now it's not just a random weekend you're wearing the naughty school girl outfit or the naughty nurse outfit or the fucking whatever now you actually have like you and the rest of the world knows that it's okay at that point so you don't have to wear the trench coat before you go in somewhere because oh it's just's just a Halloween costume. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. You're just looking at me like I've lost my mind. Ish. So the thing is, is, but you're just not, you are not totally prepared for it. It's funny as shit. It's awesome. I love looking at the different kinds, different ones, creativeness. I like looking at all the glitter. Of course you would. I love i love looking at the glitter look people that don't normally glitter themselves have glitter every everywhere everywhere boob glitter cooter glitter they're just glittered and then you walk out it's like and then see i've got a thing for glitter so you just out like this glittery wonderland. You like your glitter. Dude, it's like the inner share. Hello. It is what it is. That's fucking funny. I don't care what anybody says. Anyways. So let's see. What's Shelly say? Hold on. I don't have my fucking readers on. So, okay,'s Shelly say Hold on I don't have my Fucking readers on So okay So Shelly says So far she hasn't Seen anything that was Scary good Or scary bad Oh so she goes Says if you go to
Speaker2: Hedonism
Speaker1: Or Fantasy fest Then it's a week long
Speaker2: Of costumes Oh that would be fun
Speaker1: See there you go This is why we need to Go to somewhere like that Dressing up is a blast I'll see you next time. fancy fest uh that's a week long of costumes oh that would be fun see there you go this is why we need to go to somewhere like that dressing up is a blast yeah okay so before we were in the lifestyle i used to dress up as dean simmons all the time because you made me a costume and at least once every halloween when he worked at a bar and i stayed home yeah well no i didn't just work at a fucking i worked at a bar and i had a regular full-time job no that's true yeah anyways but the thing was is details halloween is fun because at least once during halloween you'd have me fuck you with my makeup on yes so there's like you know and it's messy and like now don get it on me base your halloween cut that's you know there's a key point we never talk about yeah we did did we yeah we want to make sure because you know i always need what i should have done was fucking like just totally face planted in your cooter and then we could have got a picture of like the jeans and makeup transposed on your cooter although that was back in the day before we were like into it so that was before we were like shaving our junk and all that kind of stuff yeah see this is why i'm glad i'm not a swinger from the 70s because then there'd been some scary shit to see nah you, you'd be fine. Oh, dude. No. Hey, it's coming back. Get over it. I mean, not here. In the northern regions where it's cold. Oh, my God. Can you even fathom it? Crazy summer nights. That shit, Chewbacca-ish. It happens, you know what, to each their own. I just want to see a corn-rolled.
Speaker3: Oh, my gosh.
Speaker4: Or we can die it.
Speaker3: Yeah.
Speaker1: Anyway.
Speaker4: Don't try to get me off these subjects, damn it.
Speaker3: Well, you're going, I don't know where you're going. I'm going on scary.
Speaker1: It's Halloween.
Speaker3: Okay.
Speaker1: Tricks or treats. So what's your next question? What's the biggest trick you've turned? Money-wise, I haven't gotten paid for it. You walked right into that one. I haven't gotten paid for it. Would you? Get paid for it? Yeah. If we were to a swinger party, this is a great question just totally random we were to swing our party and you want to hook up with a dude so you want to hooked up with the dude and he's like hey for your trouble and slipped over it like honey that's called prostitution and that's illegal no no wait a minute i didn't say you asked for it i didn't say it was some contractual shit ahead of time. If they're gifting you with money, that's still paying.
Speaker3: No.
Speaker1: That he was gifting you with time. But would you take it?
Speaker3: No.
Speaker1: What if a guy offered it to you ahead of time? Would you be offended? I know you wouldn't because that's illegal and we don't advocate doing anything illegal.
Speaker3: Rock on.
Speaker1: But would you be offended by it? That's the question. If they offered it afterwards, I would think as a compliment that it was really good. What if they offered you like a five spot? Eh, I got some loose change. Would you still take it as a compliment then? I wish I ever said I would take it. No, I know, but is there a certain amount that you would deem a compliment and a certain amount that you would de insult no no so like if it was like i got a dollar for you you wouldn't that wouldn't be that wouldn't be you wouldn't look at that as as fuck you it's better than a dollar fucking prime pussy what are you talking about you wouldn't you wouldn't do that you wouldn't be offended by that and not do that why i wouldn't take it anyway i know you're not going to take it hypothetically i might be offended by that? I'd not do that. Why? I wouldn't take it anyway. I know you're not going to take it, but hypothetically, I might. No, I wouldn't be offended by any of it. If you leave it on the nice stand, put my name on the envelope. No, I, look, this, you want to know why a lot of guys won't fuck a teacher for a grade? Seriously. Why? Because what if you fuck her and you need an A, but you only get a C? Well, I mean, do in the history class apparently not very good I mean there's a lot of fucking pressure you're fucking for a grade I don't think that's prostitution I don't really know but you're fucking for a grade and you end up getting like a D minus or some shit anyway I'm just saying throwing that out there hypothetically i think that i would see shelly said not only is it illegal but to me that's insulting okay see there we there we go there we go now what now shelly here's the question remember because we we don't kink shame so but what if they wanted to fuck you for free but give you a hundred dollars to go for a car right later and just spend time with you? Oh, then it's sugar daddy thing. I think it's all kinds of fucked up. You are in la la land today. You wouldn't do good with a sugar daddy, would you? No. I'm going to be as smart as to say I've never had one. I'm not old enough, that's why.
Speaker2: Oh, I went younger.
Speaker1: Yeah, you need to be looking at a different age bracket.
Speaker2: Yeah, you've supported my ass.
Speaker1: But see, now we're at the age bracket. Either that starts step one at the Senior Community Center to see what they're having for Halloween parties, or you've got to go for the young techie guys.
Speaker3: Oh, hey,. com. Dot com. We're not, we're at an awkward age. Look, we're at an awkward age to find sugar daddies or sugar mamas. It is what it is. I can pack Ethel's fucking walker into the car. I'm fine with that, you know, and I can take her for short walks, walks on the beach Because she's going to get tired And you know I got nothing You know what I'm married to him I got nothing Ethel may know, may have some fucking tricks. You never fucking know.
Speaker2: Did you not see the one post of the granny and the kid that were going for a walk and she sucks him off the middle of it? It's like, wow.
Speaker1: You know, here's what's funny. I have a hard time getting you to call me daddy, except like, you know, rare occasion when you me fucking like get off me daddy and i shoot my load yeah okay i'm just picturing you go oh grandpa you know there's an advantage out of that kind of stuff. Seriously. Look, if you could go on a booty call,
Speaker4: get laid and fresh hot cookies and milk.
Speaker1: Yeah. Thanks, Grandma. Well, she'd want to feel something.
Speaker2: Where is your brain tonight? I mean, really? That's fucking funny shit. Hey, look, I just saw memes that it's a good idea if you're going trick-or-treating with little kids to take them to the nursing home that they appreciate that. And I can understand that. That makes sense. They enjoy seeing the little kids in costume. I am someone that believes in taking care of and giving support to older Americans. We're going to be there at some point in time. Look, if we don't start the trend now, how are we going to get a young dick and pussy when we're old if we don't start people thinking that way? But you like nurses, so it should be easy to catch one in a nursing home, right? There's the whole thing. Catch one. You know, I think they're going to realize something's up when old man Snodgrass is sitting out there with a blowgun and a dart sitting there to try to fucking tranquilize a nurse so I can catch her in my fucking walk. I't move fast now half the time let alone in another 20 years uh okay what do we got we got people saying stuff oh i i can read something that says hypothetically okay here let me read it since you can't i'm the one with the injured eye and i can see better than you can okay so hypothetically you send uh through snap snapchat etc someone the same pictures you throw your friends and me we and they pay you 150 dollars a week you would do it right for pictures fuck yeah i'd do it hell yes hey look man if i can find a chick that wants pictures of my dick for 50 bucks a week, I'm in.
Speaker3: I wouldn't send. Well, I don't have a dick.
Speaker1: But I mean.
Speaker3: Look, if you have a dick, we're going to get more than that out of those pictures.
Speaker1: Just saying.
Speaker3: But no.
Speaker1: Yeah. I would hope so.
Speaker2: It's only a picture.
Speaker3: It is worth a thousand words.
Speaker1: Well, it depends on what they're doing with said pictures. Yeah, because if they're fucking selling them somewhere else. And making more money off of it, I'd want more money. Now you're just getting greedy. Jeez. I would just be thrilled. I would be thrilled with somebody. Shelly says we need to start the first Swingers Retirement Village. I agree. Hell yeah. Okay, we've got this planned out. The Swingers Retirement Village. We did. We're talking about it at one point. Because you go into one now and they play like 40s music and stuff so that means you're gonna walk in we're gonna like poison and kiss and rat and bon jovi playing the elevator music off and get some good music well they're gonna have to put it generational right it's gonna have to have a bar and not just open for happy hour bullshit once on friday we get half a shot and they send you on your way no No, a fucking bar bar where shit's open. Yeah, but you have to think about the patients that would be able to have said alcohol because of health issues. Hey, look, man. We're all adults. No one probably should have an IV bag of fucking rum hooked up to them, but I'll bet I'll try it. Yeah, you will. I'm just saying. Look, the crazy CASBA senior retirement community is going to have like, we'll probably have like Viagra dispensers, like Pez dispensers along the walls. We're going to have fucking. What's this $50 charge? That's for Viagra. We're going to have set visiting hours that we enforce. That means your fucking family can't come during certain hours. Okay. It is what it is. No visitors after 18. Yeah, no visitors after 18. That's party time. Because that's when the shit starts rocking. Yeah. That's bedtime for a lot of people, so you have to kick everybody out at dinner. After dinner, I can't say that. After lunch, here it is. Look, there's a nap in between round one and round two.
Speaker2: What's behind that door? It's just a storage closet.
Speaker1: That's where we keep all of our medical devices. Clunk. I can tell you what, bingo will be a fuckload more fun at ours than anywhere else. Oh, yeah, it would be. B-12. Show us your titties This is gonna be awesome Oh don't worry What parties Halloween parties When you get to the 69 Oh Okay It's either G or O I think it's O 69 Cause it's like Oh 69 That's why we have Who's gonna do it up here first That's why we have orderlies Because they're because somebody's going to need some help flapping titties out of the way and dicks in the right spot and making sure that people... Well, there'd be a lot of devices so people can get broken hips and shit. Well, that's true. No, it's not BDSM. It's for safety. It's for moving patients because we care. Why should we let our mom and dad come here? Because they're going to fuck and they won't give a shit if you ever show up here to visit them again. Fair enough. Sold. There we go. See, this show is fun. I say we buy a small town and make it a swinger town. Oh, Jesus. Then you can have the swinger nursing home,inger hospital what could possibly what could possibly go wrong if we have the village township of casbah that would be hilarious i'm sorry folks you need to leave your pants at the sheriff's office we don't allow those in town let's stop by that town what do they have oh there's like the topless gal walk along the street oh a welcome sign that has like welcome spelled out in dildos dildos all the way across the the fucking you know we need to have this yeah we need to have this in a warm climate too I'm just saying Somewhere with not a lot of mosquitoes They're everywhere Well we gotta figure something out Cause I don't need three balls And one of them to be a fucking mosquito bite Gone awry Like if it's ever been anywhere but inside There's no reason to even be outside Why does this town not have a school Cause we don't want fucking kids here That's why I don't want fucking kids here that's why Jesus yeah this is not going to be a family friendly community at all no so it's only open to select swingers hey look you look. No, it's the same. Look, here's the deal. You do it the same way. You can come visit. We'll have a town party. No shit. Hey, Hallmark. Or street dance. Come do a Christmas movie of this shit. No, it's just like the swinger cruises and whatever. Okay? No, this is a non-children zone. Okay. Okay? That's the way it's visit Yeah Well certain visiting hours And certain visiting days Where your family can come visit Look Here's the deal If Disney can have cruises And people are dumb enough To keep doing those Grandparents day Will be interesting You have her on that subject Oh fuck yeah On the old people I say people. I say old people. We're all getting there. I know. That's why we have to plan accordingly. Okay? It is what it is. We're down. Look, there's a whole line of chasm shit that's coming out. Okay? There is going to be a cane that comes out, and the handle will come up, and it'll be like a dick. Look, old women need it too so that it's like dildo with a safety it we're gonna have that kind of stuff why are you looking me like that like that is such a bad idea look motherfuckers will pay thousands of dollars for a fucking cane with a duck head on it well how much you gonna pay for a cock on yours you know what i'll bet that model goes faster than the mallard i'm just fucking saying you know we've got stuff like this you know what i can't read anything let's see have one nice area different doorways For family visits We'll have
Speaker2: VVD
Speaker1: Which is vanilla visit day We have one nice area, different doorways for family visits. We'll have VVD, which is Vanilla Visit Day. Ring the bell. Here they come. That would be hilarious. That would be fucking awesome. Okay, there it is. We just need to go find a town that we can buy. Okay, so now, for those of you who wanted to contribute, now this is what our patrons are going to go to. It's actually starting off as a commune, and then we'll build it up from there. There you go. We're going, ooh, we can have, like, a show on fucking Discovery, like the fake Alaskan Bush people one. Only I'll be real shit. It'll be, like, swingers gone wild or swingers in the wild and shit, and we can fight bears with dildos and fucking in the middle of nowhere or whatever the fuck they do. I don't fucking know. I'm not going to go live in Alaska and freeze my nipples off. Okay, well, I don't think you're going to get a lot of land in, like, you know. I'm thinking some of the governments in the Midwest will probably fucking bash us from trying to buy that. What do we got here so denise put oh my god my friend is older and i looked at her floral purse and it was dick and pussies on it upon closer observation denise you need to make sure you sign your friend up because obviously this is this is these are the type of people that need to be in our town and our nursing home. Oh, vanilla people would get that for us as a joke. Exactly. Let them keep buying it for a joke. Look, it's like all the memes of why grandma had her couch fucking wrapped in plastic. And here's the deal. You don't think that's true until the first time you're with somebody that is a fucking... Squirter? No. No. A fountain. Look, anybody that remembers Pokemon, I don't know if anybody out there remembers Pokemon or not, but there was like the three levels of the little fucking creature thingies, and they were small, medium, and large, right? And there was one that was a turtle, and he was, it was like... Squirtle. It was like Squirtle, and then he went up to like Squirtzor and then there's the final one it was like Warsquirt or some shit Warsquirtle where that motherfucker was like a was like a fire hydrant shit I shouldn't know this okay well when you're with somebody that is that level that level of like War Tortal War Tortal well that was the See, now everybody's going to go fucking have to do research on Pokemon. Squirtle. When you're with someone like that, you understand why furniture is fucking... Hermetically sealed in plastic. I like to think that they just wanted to keep their furniture looking nice. Now, funny thing is... Well, they did. They didn't want cum stains on it. I figure it was for dirt. My family, when didn't have that well you don't squirt and i'm just gonna i've never asked your grandmother but i'm gonna go out on a limb and go grandma's probably not a squirter please don't like i'm gonna get a hold of your grandma and go hey grandma i know you're a hundred quick question for you so when when you bang or you escort her, you know what's funniest right now? She'd answer it. I know. She was like, well, you know what I used to be. And now I'm like, no, stop. My ears, they hurt. Now it just poofs out dust. Yeah, it's like halftime-ish.
Speaker3: Are we even doing a show?
Speaker2: I don't even know what the fuck's going on. We're just yapping.
Speaker1: Okay, perfect.
Speaker2: Because you got off on some weird fucking thing.
Speaker1: I haven't even done it. It's a Halloween-themed show.
Speaker2: Is that really Halloween-themed?
Speaker1: This is pretty scary so far, so I'm going to go with, yeah, it's pretty fucking Halloween-ish, if you ask me. This is going to be, and here's the deal deal this is the show that people need to listen to it's because we're not answering anybody we're not doing anything like that's like productive and so people are if they don't get this show they're gonna be like i think when we get off on different things and all of a sudden it just gets sidetracked when we get some other stuff going we going to be able to get off on camera while we're doing this shit. Then our show will move to Pornhub. I was going to say, then it can't be on Facebook. Oh, darn it. Okay. Well, that just sucks. God, it's funny. But people will giggle. If y'all like it, I've been going, oh, my God, just get to the next part of it Because I don't know How the fuck to answer it Neither do you At the very beginning I'm like Oh my god This is dumb This is what makes it fun Quick drink I gotta remember To speak into the microphone Don't have dead air Say something While I'm taking a fucking drink I'm sitting here Watching you take a drink, quick drink. I've got to remember to speak into the microphone. Don't have dead air. Say something while I'm taking a fucking drink, man. I'm sitting here watching you take a drink. See how entertaining it can be. Ow, that hurt my eye. That was my impersonation of a girl giving a blowjob for the first time. Sure it is. Could be. it's been so long I don't know people are actually really what they're getting to see is what conversations are like at our house wouldn't you like to be in a car with us for three hours this is normal shit this is not this is not even fucking I wish we could say I mean we have serious conversations but I mean only when you're being a bitch when we're striving for something to talk about to fill time no when i just it's not like we're bored it's just no it's just random thoughts you have a lot of random thoughts because i'm home all fucking day no even before that it's because i ignore everything else going well that there's that and my crack addiction and It's true
Speaker2: You're never gonna let that down
Speaker3: What? everything else going well that there's that and my crack addiction and it's true you'll you're
Speaker1: never gonna let that down what crack addiction that someone accuses you of being no shit i am so not coke i don't have a coke body i would do that for a while i don't know i look like a coke can body. Here's what sucks. The wrong part of me is I can't put a Coke can next to my dick because that's going to make the Coke can look impressive and not my dick. Oh, whatever. I do not have a Coke can girth. No, you don't. I would love to have a Coke can girth. I don't know if I've seen a person that had a Coke can girth. Yeah, look, the only way I'm going to have. But then again, I haven't. I've never seen a dick. I can't deep throw a can. Yeah, but this would be softer. And if they're doing it right, they've got the back of your head going. They're helping you. You would still have to be able to get your. Look, the only way that I'm going to get that big is it's like the Flintstone thing where I hit my dick with a hammer and it throbs and I wrap it into something really big. Look, hey, it's a big dick. I mean, girth-wise. Look, it sucks. I'm just going to tell you. Right now, total random thoughts. This fucking blows. As a guy, you can't just go just go give me a big dick like when you're if you're a little kid and you're like going man you know i want a big dick little kid doesn't know they want that yet but they should uh the thing is is you there's too many requirements do you want a long do you want do you want it girthy do you want it fucking Straight, curved, off to the left, off to the right. E-I-E-I-O. I mean, you know i don't know the reason what made me think of this too oh here's a random thought for you this is the kind of shit that goes on in my world so yesterday uh we're helping my mom doing stuff and our middle son is with us and he's a history major is what his degree is in and randomly he he he told me that avocado is actually an incan word and it means testicles just totally randomly totally and i'm like why are you telling me this who said this bray because because when they hang as a pair the incans or whatever thought it looked like teskels and that because one's always lower than the other one that has been a meme that's been going around for years and years and years i don't look at nut memes so i'm just like i'm so glad you just stopped to tell me that kind of shit this is the kind of stuff so anyways he is your kid i that doesn't surprise me. But this is the kind of stuff that we guys have to deal with.
Speaker3: You don't. Look.
Speaker1: What is a perfect dick shape? Oh, listen to this silence. No, seriously. What is the perfect dick?
Speaker2: I don't know if there is a perfect dick.
Speaker1: I guarantee you there's a holy grail dick somewhere. What for you. Every woman I would imagine is different. What for you would be the perfect dick? Shape, size, dimensions.
Speaker2: I don't know.
Speaker1: Flavors, I don't know.
Speaker2: Because I've had so many.
Speaker1: Do we want to do the listening on the air? That's going to get awkward, just saying.
Speaker2: I've only had.
Speaker3: Careful.
Speaker2: Two curved ones.
Speaker1: To the right or to the left? Up or down? I think it curved up Okay Sharp curve
Speaker2: No
Speaker1: Okay Okay I didn't know Okay So do you like straight curved Let's start there I don't think it matters
Speaker2: What the fuck I don't think it matters
Speaker1: I think that motherfucker Did a 90 degree angle to one side
Speaker3: I didn't notice it matters. What the fuck? I don't think it matters.
Speaker1: I think that motherfucker did a 90 degree angle to one side.
Speaker2: I didn't notice the difference.
Speaker1: Do you just have a cavernous vagina?
Speaker3: I would assume if it curbed up. What?
Speaker1: I said, do you have a cavernous vagina?
Speaker2: Do you want a hit?
Speaker1: A hit of what? No, okay. So you didn't... Okay, so you couldn't tell any difference between the curve. Between a curve and a straight.
Speaker2: I couldn't, no.
Speaker1: Okay, okay. Is there a certain girth?
Speaker2: Because I didn't go to fucking somebody with a curved straight to go... Well, probably.
Speaker1: Hold on, I need to get another cock in here for comparison. No, I didn't notice. Yes, okay. So you have done it pretty close side by side because we've been at a party, a New Year's Eve party. Well, I fucked one guy and then fucked you. So. Yeah. Okay. But what's the perfect girth? Oh. Well, this is your chance to build a dick. This is like build a bear, but it's build a dick. Well, no, because then that's the clues people. We're opening the casement. We're opening the casement.
Speaker2: Build-A-Dick shop. No, because the next time I go to have a potential hookup, like if that'll ever happen, they might go, oh, no, I don't have the perfect dick for you.
Speaker1: Okay, so.
Speaker2: So, no, I'm not fucking going there. You're not going to make me because that's wrong.
Speaker1: Okay, so, but could a dick be too girthy? No, I don't think so. Unless it's bigger than a baby's head. That'd be one girthy fucking cock. Just saying, baby's heads are pretty fucking big. That's not natural. And you've got issues if your dick has that much girth to it. You've got to have strong legs and a back problem if your dick has that much girth to it. Because that's gonna hurt odds are that's swollen and probably you should see a doctor at some point in time about that well I didn't know it guys look guys don't know we're curious we don't remember we don't know what a dick feels like a pussy just like every guy is a different size different shape different whatever dick
Speaker2: every girl's got a different size shape vagina so it isn't necessarily going to work for one or the other no pretty much it's just a straight shot down the key spot is like way in there
Speaker1: okay your g spots are all different the opening the opening might be a little different but the rabbit hole so to speak once you're in there no they're all different sizes
Speaker3: Thank you. The opening might be a little different, but the rabbit hole, so to speak, once you're in there. No.
Speaker2: They're all different sizes.
Speaker1: But remember, guys don't actually care.
Speaker3: No. Okay. Yes.
Speaker2: You are driving me fucking nuts today.
Speaker1: They can be different sizes, yes. But we're more concerned about G-Spot location. We need a minor like you're gonna know ahead of time well maybe that should come on the instruction panel maybe well okay should there's a question there's a legit question is should a girl tell a guy where g-spot is no why not not well it's never come up in conversation we're swingers you're about to fucking in between sucking his dick and shoving it in your pussy is your dick
Speaker2: at least this big because my g-spot's way in there it doesn't necessarily doesn't mean that
Speaker1: sex doesn't feel good well no but the thing the thing is is if he knows where he's plunging for he's gonna he's gonna regardless of the size maybe he has a smaller dick but he's gonna have like You're welcome. The thing is, is if he knows where he's plunging for, he's going to, regardless of the size, maybe he has a smaller dick, but he's going to have, like, he's going to work harder to get there. Maybe he has a tactic or something he knows from a different angle that can get it there on different girls, if he knows. Yeah. What are you smirking about? Well, we got, okay, it's not the size of the shape. It's if they know how to use what they have. Agreed. This is why I'm single. I would assume that's because we totally are disagreeing at the moment. And then I've had one guy that had major girth. It hardly fit where it was supposed to go. He went anal, and that was a a hard never gonna happen oh my lord okay yeah i think you're in her first duh yeah you can find it that way i know well then you kind of know where to aim for you hold but it's awkward when you're searching because you know why guys get this stupid puppy dog look on their face when they're searching for something it's like they're chewing on their tongue they're kind of they're like that thinking you know when a dog is thinking like turn their head all cockeyed okay well it's the same thing when a guy is looking and he's focused he's gonna look like a moron at that point in time you're gonna sit there and go yeah he ain't sticking his dick in me there no fucking no no if he looks like that now just trying to find shit i think he found it no i'm telling you i think it should come with instructions it just is what it is guys are easy we have look you guys have it easy in terms of figuring us out like there was up down there we go there was one guy one of the house parties we went to and it's notorious for guys to go no what they do is they like it like this no your wife does but okay great so he's like you go slow and then you go fast and you go slow and i'm like not for me just start pounding that it's designed to take a pound i like it fast come on let's go and it was just like oh let's go slow i'm like there is nothing better than when a guy tells a girl how how girls like it i love that shit that's so fucking you know everybody's different so well it's same as a girl telling a guy how how uh you know how a guy likes his dick sucked okay it's a little easier put it in don't use teeth but i mean there's still everybody has their own their own little things like but when a guy's like no this is how you look no sex ed class that is ever taught anywhere in the world should be taught by either just a single just a female or just just a male teacher. It shouldn't be both. Because there's just certain parts like, dude, you do not, you cannot speak for all females on how they like it. No. No fucking way. No fucking how. That's never going to work that way. Okay, well, back to the Halloween night. We were on a subject? Sort of, kind of-ish. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what we're doing. We're just running away. What's the scariest amount of regret you've ever had the next day? That's one we need to, yeah.
Speaker3: When? What?
Speaker1: What did you regret the most the next day? That you were like, actually like, afterwards you were like, no, this is not just all in the fun of the game. You actually regretted it. Of an action that I did or a person? Since we've been in, fill in the blank there, no names. Well, obviously. We've had a couple get in the car and go, what the fuck was that moment? Well, that's natural. That's called, that's how you know you've been in the fucking lifestyle. If you haven't had one of those moments, you're not doing it right. You have, you have to fucking boldly go and fuck something up somewhere along the line. I'm just saying it is, it is what it is. Absolutely. Yeah. That's, yeah. There was the one couple. I'll use that loosely. Where we went back to their apartment. Oh, my God. Wow, that can be anybody. It wasn't horrible for me well it was regret because we had a communication error that evening yes which means i went along with it but not without letting me know how pissed you were before we got there yeah and then when he fucking couldn't do shit how pissed he kept spitting on his hand and spitting on his dick and trying get it hard. And I'm like, okay, just if you wouldn't have slobbered all over, I would have helped you out. But now that you're hawking loogies on your cock. But now that you spit all over it, I really have no desire to suck it. It may look good in the porns, but it's not fucking real clowns. Yeah, don't spit on your dick. They make lube and shit for that or you know what do you really think that couple had lube no do you i mean seriously but you know oral never even came up i would have helped him out and i thought they were new or that didn think they were new. I thought they were experienced. Because we had seen them several times before that. It was so disappointing after that. Not only did I get in trouble on the way over to their house, apartment. And did I get in trouble on the way home from their apartment. Then the usual fun of the next day when you talk about it. And it's usually hot and stuff. We didn't talk about we did but it was not there but it was not fun and hot it was about how i was had misread all the signs and maybe i shouldn't have had one more rum and coke and yeah there was a lot of well i thought you said you wanted to there was an awful lot of things that that i might have done wrong in that situation just hypothetically saying i was driving let's put it that way yeah you were that makes what your condition you were still driving even after we were done you still had to drive uh on home from there yeah that was that was awesome they they did offer a cereal afterwards okay amy good point what amy say enjoy it differently with different men if you all fuck me the same that's boring as hell all right amy i'm calling bullshit because here's the thing how do you know unless you try all of us i'm kidding let me the dick who says she has i mean no but that makes sense i can see everybody has their own style. No, it's their own rhythm. Yes. Wasn't there a song about that? Or their own groove. No, it was like. I was like, I'm going to get sued for this. I don't care. Miami Sound Machine. I saw them in concert one time back in like the 80s. Rhythm of the night. guess who's and all of a sudden people are like fuck no no what no i'm like i don't know if i believe you yeah well we can google it later can't say that either we're saying we're saying all kinds of stuff okay so uh the scariest regard i have found and it's not as bad as it used to be okay hallelujah there was a time uh in this lifestyle when my penis and i were on different wavelengths okay so and what i what i mean by what i mean by that is uh my mind knew and could recognize batshit crazy okay my penis on the other hand could not but it was drawn to it like a defining run yeah well then how did my penis slip into so many batshit crazy places i did have you not been warned of some of those but was i ever was there ever a hard stop put on me there was there was there ever alicia said no have i ever went against your will no sometimes i want to get you to shut up go ahead and do it i have i said i'm not participating. It's true, but yes.
Speaker2: There's one that I said that I completely stopped that because you would have regretted it.
Speaker1: Oh, yeah.
Speaker3: Oh, yeah.
Speaker1: But you did take pictures.
Speaker2: No, I wasn't even talking about that one.
Speaker1: Goody, you don't have to remind me off the air what that other one was. Because you weren't taking pictures, and that was a different one. Um, it was... Goody, you don't have to remind me off the air What that other one was Because you weren't taking pictures And that was a different one It was a party in a different state Okay, okay And we were really drunk Oh, yeah And I'd had issues with something Some of us girls were going at it And another couple came in Yes, oh my god And I completely stopped you Oh, sweet mother Because you were going at it, and another couple came in. Yes. Oh, my God, yes. And I completely stopped you. Oh, sweet mother. Because you were going toward it. Yeah. I had that drunken look of lust in my eyes. I was about to become an animal. You would have regretted that. Oh, my God. I'd have wanted to cut my penis off. Yeah. It would have been horrible. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. You'd have gotten over it it yeah yeah you'd have probably got pictures of that one too though yeah probably yeah i didn't have my phone close by but i made an effort somebody would have had a phone and you would have said send me send me pictures yeah yeah these are all things that are going to go in our book uh so make sure you check that out. We're going to write a book. It's just called My Dick's Obsession with Bat Shit Crazy. That's what I'm going to call my book. Wow. We're going to have to get lots of waivers signed. Gosh, maybe I could be that in somebody's book. No, you've never went bat shit crazy. You usually have waited until we got to the car. There was one couple. They pissed you off, but you didn't have the freak out until we got to the car. You did an excellent job. Yeah. You'll have to remind me of that one afterwards because I'm like, there could be a couple. They had had an an issue the night before decided to spread it to the next couple that they had set up with the following night oh yeah don't you guys all wish you were with us on some of our little journeys and
Speaker2: adventures oh boy yeah we're just like yeah that was one of those batshit crazy moments also that
Speaker1: i tried to you did a great job you waited till we got to the car talked you out of but you were Here we go. Yeah, where you're just like... Yeah, that was one of those batshit crazy moments also that I tried to... You did a great job. You waited until we got to the car. I talked you out of, but you were, like, fine. Well, you... No. You were not totally... No, fuck you. You were not totally opposed to that at all. You were not totally opposed to that at all. Yeah, okay. You weren't, like, chomping at the bit. Yeah, no. But you weren't like, I don at the bit yeah but you weren't you weren't like i don't think this is right are you really sure no no no no fine no way there's not only five minutes left there's no way we haven't even covered anything yet why is anybody even going to listen to the show 55 and a half minutes Does anybody else say anything else that we need to talk about No Not really Amy's working on it she said Take me with you I need to work on it 99 dicks on the wall Take one down pass it around 98 dicks on the wall. Take one down, pass it around. 98 dicks on the wall. Be very, very quiet. We are hunting cocks. So you guys could go on a... Let's see. Exhibitions. What do you call that when you're going on and you're searching for stuff? An expedition. So it would be a dick pedestrian. you're going on, and you're searching for stuff. An expedition. So it'd be a dick-pedition. You're on a holy grail. You're on a quest. There you go. You are the knights to go, yeep. You guys are on a quest to find the cocks. Rock on. How many ladies think we can get sent up for a CasBA quest? A COT quest. A COT quest. Oh, my God. If you're interested, tell you what, if you're interested in signing up to start your 2020 right, your 2020 year right, make sure you go to our website and sign up for COT quest 2020, where we're going to explore dicks across the world. Sign up today and hold your place on the bus. In the train. No, it would be a train.
Speaker3: Sorry.
Speaker2: My bad.
Speaker3: A train. Yeah.
Speaker1: Get your spot on the train.
Speaker2: That's what we should do.
Speaker1: We should do a train takeover.
Speaker3: Yes. Fuck.
Speaker1: I bet we could pull that off.
Speaker3: All right.
Speaker1: And the first motherfucker that steals that idea, I swear to God, I'm going to shoot you. Yeah, we should do that.
Speaker2: We could go from one town to the next and back.
Speaker1: Well, go to like, there's a town. It's like eight hours one way. And then that'd be a fucking train takeover.
Speaker2: Like go to Chicago and back.
Speaker1: What could possibly go wrong?
Speaker3: Oh.
Speaker2: Didn't think of how many people we can pick up along the way. You're vanilla. Out the door you go. We need the one with the cabins in it, please. And the bar crawl car. That could be fucking fun. Literally. I hear that train a coming then we can have a literal train on a train and green eggs and moving train that was to be the key and a green eggs and ham i will not eat them here i will not eat eat them there. Can we block out the windows?
Speaker3: It's going fast.
Speaker1: No, between the cars. How many? Between the cars. What do you fuck that, man? We're going to try to get as many cars as we can. If we're going to do a fucking train takeover, this ain't going to be fucking just one little God, that could be fun. If you want to be in the caboose, it costs you extra. You're... All right. How much time do we have left? Wrap it up. I definitely want to train. Jesus. Okay, so this is a great place to stop. We've got a train to wrap. I mean, set up. So anyways, until next time, do you know the only way we know how, the only... Oh, fuck. You know what? Wait a minute what wait a minute hey don't forget we do have a serious event coming up january 17th 19th crazy winter nights it's just like this only in one location and longer uh get your tickets today at www.crazywinternights.com uh yeah so there you go visit our patreon we need train money and uh visit sign up to be a follow us on Twitter at Truth Crazy. Until then, next time, do it the only way we know how, the only way we want to. Keeping it spooky and scary. Kazma Style, out.