Krazy Truth #2 1-900 numbers

Transcript

Speaker1: hey kids the program you're about to listen to contains some adult situations adult language themes and other adult topics if you're easily offended this show's not for you all right welcome back to another edition of the crazy truth coming to you from the world famous casbah studios we're so excited for the podcast this is podcast number two for those of you that are keeping track at home this is the show where we answer your questions unedited no politically correctness you've got a question we've got the answer we're going to ask any answer anything that you want to answer or want to answer us to isn't that right miss amanda's here again this evening hello hello I don't know. question we've got the answer we're going to ask any answer anything that you want to answer or want to answer us to isn't that right miss amanda's here again this evening hello hello all right so we're ready to roll so hey before we get started tonight uh want to talk about funny things in the news obviously saw a couple of them today or this week actually on facebook they were awesome i want to start with hey how about the cable guy that went to install cable at a lady's home at which point in time she forced the cable guy to let her do oral sex that's right give her a blow job for cable services rendered the best part about this is not only did the guy get a blow job for cable services he then reported it and the woman got arrested she got arrested for giving a blow job to try to get free cable i don't know about you guys but i know that usually when you do cable services they bill you later let's give it up for the lady that was pretty awesome gotta love that anytime you are you with us tonight i sure am Would you ever do that? Would I ever do that? Yeah. No. What if you had a couple shots? What if the cable guy was really, really hot? No. That's not my nature. Are you sure? Yeah. All right. So that was the first thing. Always got to share funny stories like that with you don't you remember when when we had a tree trimmer come out and you go oh you're gonna think he's hot that's that's right i did and i stood outside and washed and went eh okay and back inside i went yeah that's right so we gotta have a really hot tree trimmer actually we need our trimmed. What if we can put that out for a plug? Hot tree trimmers apply. Miss Amanda will do the interviews. All right. So, the other one. We've got a tree trimmer on our face. Hey, we do. That's right. We do have a tree trimmer on our face. Yeah, and I've had sex with them. This is why we love what we do here. Hey, the other one was, everybody, you want to make sure you catch the new uh horror film i didn't get to read all the stuff about the horror film uh but the theme seems to be right up our alley that's right the theme for the horror film is uh the monster gives you a hand job gives a guy a hand job they die. I actually want to know how much beating does it really take to take and make a guy die? I mean, that's got to be a mix of Viagra, alcohol, someone with a robotic arm, all the way across the board. How is that a horror film? At some point in time, it starts to catch on fire. It burns. It burns. Make it stop. All of a sudden, there's smoke, and I don't even know. I know that that's something I'm almost willing to try. You know, we could try that. I mean, you got to do some arm workouts and stuff. So you just want to jack off all the time. No, no, it's not jack off till you die. That was not the whole theme of this thing. It was the monster, rawr, comes and gives you handjob until you die.
Speaker2: Oh, he gives you handjob.
Speaker1: Well, not he. I think it was a she.
Speaker3: Yeah. It.
Speaker1: It's a lot better than a blowjob till you die. Because that would mean there's lots of teeth involved. Ooh, then. Ooh, teeth. Rawr. Gotta love it.
Speaker3: All right.
Speaker1: Thank you. It's a lot better than a blowjob until you die. Because that would mean there's lots of teeth involved. Ooh, then. Ooh, teeth. Arr. Gotta love it. All right. So there you go. Some weird, cool new stuff that was coming up. The name of this thriller, so make sure you go out and check this out. It's Handjob Cabin. That's right. It's a movie about a ghost who jerks you off until you die. So it's legitimately a movie? Yeah. Yeah, it's legitimately a horror film coming out. You sure it's not a porno? No, well, I mean, it could be. I mean, it's the whole concept of a ghost, though, taking and doing it. So you wouldn't even know. So you could just be walking through the cabin, like, doing dishes or something, and all of a sudden somebody's just, like, beating your meat. So it almost started off like you were getting bagged i don't even know i don't know what i really want to know is could a guy get a boner just because he was thinking that someone might be touching him that's pretty awesome put that in the movie ghost there patrick swayze there you go Okay, if it was Patrick Swayze, I'm all in. If it was Patrick. Of course, now it would really be Ghost. It would really be Ghost. This man is volunteering to actually take and hopefully Patrick Swayze. Next week, we'll get out a Ouija board and we can see if we can summon that and see if we can start a new movie. They'll have your clit massage until it's rubbed off. Until it oh my lord all right so there you go so there's a couple fun things in the news hey don't forget uh when you're sending us emails about all your cool questions and whatnot uh and letting us know if you have other if you have other cool sex news items or things like that you think hey i really want to hear what they think of that please send them to, please send them to us because we're all in on that, trying to get as much cool information for you as we possibly can. So, all right. So, hey, we answered a lot of questions last week. That was a lot of fun. So we thought, hey, what the hell? Let's go ahead and do this fucking shit again because I don't know if we help people or not, but it sure sounded good. It did. It did. We sounded like we knew what we were doing So we asked some questions we didn't get to Some questions that came up this week And obviously don't forget our email address That's right And I have been practicing tech guy Our email address is Crazy K-R-A-Z-Y Dot Kazbah Kbah, K-A-S-B-H, at gmail.com. So if you have other questions, feel free to email us questions. Remember, put a one with it if you don't want your name read. Otherwise, yes, we will say your first name, and then you can lie to your friends. So that's the way we go with things. So first, let's start with, what was the question you had gotten last week? The great one. It had nothing to do with that, actually. Actually, yeah, it did. No, it did for a female. Well, share. Share, give us the gist of the question. Do you remember the gist of the question? Of course you do. Something about a dental dam. The question was, this couple was new to the lifestyle, and they're all excited, and they want to, but they want to practice safe oral sex. And so they wanted our opinion and feedback of safe oral sex. So, yeah, so the question of what's out there, what do we recommend, what do we do? So, okay, let's talk about safe oral sex. And Miss Amanda had some great responses back to him as well our general thought process is number one take a look at it okay this is kind of like when you go buy food at a gas station all right when you take and buy a hot dog off the old spinny wheel at the quickie mart you probably look at it to make sure it's not all hairy and warty and things like that so before you take and just slap that sucker into into your mouth you might want to go and take a look at it oh the look i'm getting right now two wieners on the grill look like they've got warty they can if they've been on there too long kind of burnt kind of charred kind of weird uh but take a look at it first look there's there's nothing wrong with doing a visual inspection before you put something in your mouth that's what separates us from from little kids. When you're a kid, when you're a baby, you just see it and hand them out. But when you're an adult, you know, take a look at it. The other thing that goes right along with that is hygiene. Hey, look, not to be gross or crude, but it is what it is. All right? If it smells like a dead fish If it oozes like a dead fish There's a good chance it could be a fucking dead fish So, you know Hygiene, that's going to say a lot about it About what you're going to do Now there are things like dental dams out there Right?
Speaker2: There are dental dams
Speaker1: Have you ever used a dental dam?
Speaker2: I have not
Speaker1: Miss Amanda prefers to use the safety method
Speaker3: Well, in the dental office
Speaker1: But that's beside the point You prefer to use the sterilization method, don't you? The Old West sterilization method. Rub it with alcohol. Rub it with alcohol, that's right. There's another little whiskey can't cure, kids. No, but there are dental dams out there. There's mixed reviews on whether or not that's something that people want to use we have it a lot we've never used them uh but a lot of folks have said that hey it really you can tell it's for you know a dental office so because it's not like the thickness of a condom it's way thicker no it's serious it is way thicker so when it comes to actually using one, the sensation is going to be minimized a lot. Right, right. Because, well, aren't they designed to, like, hold your mouth open? Like, aw. No, it's to keep things from, it's to keep the area sterilized when you're, because they're digging out the root. Oh, gotcha. So. The nerve. Yeah. Yeah. Where would you even buy dental dams? Do you just walk into the regular, like, over by the condoms? Honestly, I've never even seen where they'd be sold at.
Speaker2: Well, we have some in that bag of condoms and stuff. Okay, so there are places. Do you want me to go get you one?
Speaker1: No, I'm good. So there are places to get them, so there you go.
Speaker2: Because I'm like, well, let's see if it's the same thickness of an actual dental dam.
Speaker1: So I went and I got it out, and I'm like, yep, it is, and it's a lot thicker. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care.
Speaker2: I don't care. I don't care.
Speaker1: I don't care. I don't care.
Speaker2: I don't care.
Speaker1: I don't care. I don I went and I got it out. I'm like, yep, it is. And it's a lot thicker. Is it something we should try at some point in time? If you want to. Well, not really. I mean, I'd rather have you just inspect me and we'll go from there. So, okay. And by the way, we crack jokes and we laugh about it. Obviously, safe sex of any kind is important. It's real. It is serious. But uh but you know obviously that you need to take in and just kind of keep that in mind the biggest thing is hygiene let me give you a small piece of advice look if the dude or the chick has grungy clothes they smell like three-day-old laundry they probably haven't taken a bath in a week i'm gonna go out on a limb just a limb and guess that their cooter and or wiener is probably just as gross as the rest of them we agree and that's something to keep in mind kids a real handy trick to have with you at all times you know what carry wet wipes carry some wet wipes because you know what there's nothing everybody you know where you're out at a bar you're partying you're shaking you're dancing it's all good uh you're gonna sweat a little bit so before you know you can stop in the restroom before the activities start just kind of give it a little freshen up make it all smell like a baby's bottom what make it all fresh and clean yes right good wow we are off to a stellar start today this is gonna be awesome well it was fresh and clean. Yes. Right? Mm-hmm. Are you good? Mm-hmm. Wow, we are off to a stellar start today. This is going to be awesome. Well, it was a good question. It was a great question. And as a new couple, that's one of it, part of it. You know, as a new couple, you've got to ask, safe sex. We push it all the time. Here's the thing. Just because somebody says, hey, you know what? I'm clean. It's all good.
Speaker3: Whatever. You got to remember, you're playing with your health. So to just go ahead and just take their assumption on it, you're kind of playing with fire there. Because believe it or not, rumor has it, there are people out there that might lie just to get laid. Weird. Yes. So you want to make sure that you take responsibility for that and that includes both oral regular sex anal sex monkey sex i don't care what you're doing you need to take you need to take and you need to practice safe sex if you're into bdsm you need to clean your toys uh it's it's all part of it you need to take care of that all the way across the board monkey sex that was kind of weird i had a I had a thought in my mind. That didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to. Yeah, I'm out on monkey sex, but that's beside the point. So while we're talking about it, again, we always stress this all the time. Make sure, hey, part of your responsibility when we do this very adult, adult activity is to make sure that you are getting tested. That's right. You need to be getting tested very, very regularly, both for your own protection and for the protection of your partner and everybody else that might be out there. So make sure that you always have you have something set up either with your doctor. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your doctor, no worries. There's clinics. The free clinics are out there. There's also different programs out there that you can remain anonymous but so you can make sure that you are getting tested because you have to be responsible for your actual safety and for the safety of of everybody you play with it just is what it is it's cool right now in the studio we're moving things around this is what we do we adjust and adjust on the fly as we go so that was a great first is. It's cool. Right now in the studio, we're moving things around. This is what we do. We adjust and adjust on the fly as we go. So that was a great first question.
Speaker1: Okay.
Speaker3: It's not working very well.
Speaker1: So you listen to us sneak around.
Speaker3: Here in the CASMA studios, we just do everything on the fly.
Speaker1: It's the way we roll.
Speaker3: So, all right. So there was the first question. Great question.
Speaker2: And we hope to get more like that. Yeah.
Speaker3: You all settled? You all set?
Speaker2: You good?
Speaker1: Thank you. All right, so there was the first question. Great question, and we hope to get more like that. Yeah. You all settled? You all set? You good? I am good. Awesome. But I was looking at the video, and the video, your mouth is still moving. And I look up, and you're just staring at me. I'm like, shit. What the fuck is he doing? Okay, so I got a question for you miss manda okay okay so let's let's address some of the the rumors the the false rumors out there okay since we're already on the topic of sucking sucking dick let's talk about the rumors of uh uh does pineapple or other fruits change the flavor of a guy's spoo.
Speaker3: No.
Speaker1: You're not supposed to take a drink when I do that. We've only trusted that theory. That's right. You and I have. I made you. Right. But I didn't eat very much. I just had it for a snack. I've heard you eat a lot. Yeah, we've heard. Rumor has it you have to eat a lot. uh okay is it gonna make it taste sugary no look it feels like we're at the islands what if you stick an umbrella in it just kidding some people like the taste of it yeah no i'm out i i like your description of what you feel like it tastes like salty snot salty snot that's right so so i wanted to talk about that because one of the things that we one of the questions we hear a lot and a lot of people they come up and they ask us and they say hey so we've heard that if you eat, like before you go out on a date, that you're planning to get your dick sucked, that then it like will make it taste spicy. I don't know about spicy. But that'll change the change taste. And the same with like for guys, if you're out on a date and she orders certain foods, like you should order certain foods for her. That's going to make her cooter taste differently. And I can tell you from a guy, no, no, it doesn't work. I eat a lot of sugar and it doesn't make it taste sweet, does it? Your cooter is so sweet, it's not even funny. It's the sweetest thing ever. No, but now if you were to take and stick a a chunk of pineapple like a ring pineapple up your cooter or on your dick then then it might taste pineapple what about pop rocks or altoids i heard altoids were really fun for a guy i don't know i've never tried it then then you have shiny white teeth we have a whole bunch of them out there i can give it a try and and wonderful breath you know if well i guess you wouldn't taste it if you had an altoids in your mouth no but you know what the thing is is that could quite possibly that could burn the pop rocks wouldn't burn but well i don't know if it got stuck in the tip of it it would oh my god there'd be nothing quite like going into the emergency room you've got to help me because if i pee this is gonna be like one of those pop bottle things where you know if you pee it'll put it'll pressure it out of there so it's like pressure washing pretty much oh my god that would hurt so hold on let's dig that out that would be great what could possibly what could possibly go wrong with that okay so your vote is no it does not change it that is just a rumor we're kind of like myth but that's just a rumor Well, and someone said for no, it does not change. That is just a rumor. We're kind of like Mythbusters. That's just a rumor. Well, and someone said for women it does, but I don't know, the pineapple. So, you know what? Here's our homework for our listeners. I don't care that much for pineapple, so you'll never mind. You love bananas, though. Weird. Here's our homework for our listeners. Everybody needs to do research and let us know and do nothing but pick your favorite fruit uh or or food whatever it might be and eat it for an entire week three meals a day and then have your significant other test out that theory and then you can lose five pounds in the meantime you can exactly but what's going to be awesome uh is that that they'll take in and stuff's going to taste like tacos. Hey, now, Amy put a good comment on here. She goes, Pop Rocks will burn a vagina. I did not know that. Neither did I. I've never tried it. I don't know for sure, though, if you're supposed to put those in or just kind of like have them in your mouth. I don't know. I would assume they'd have it in your mouth does it does it create like a party you've done it you've done it to me so i don't know no i have not you haven't done popper well it looks like we got something we know we need to work on this i have some in the other room well the to-do list just got a little bit except it's specifically marketed for blowjobs that is genius i don't care i have a feeling i need to go get the package that is awesome i didn't even i didn't even know that uh that somebody had that special thing that's like candy cigarettes and everything like that she's up and moving she's going to get she's going to get the pop rocks kids uh everything's going good okay real quick here. If you have questions for us tonight, we're actually recording live while we do this. So feel free to ask us questions. You can also take and email us. I like to get our email out, and my tech guy is so proud of me that I practiced it. It is crazy, K-R-A-Z-Y, dot, Kazba, K-A-S-B-H at gmail.com so if you have questions for us, take and make sure that you send those to us so we can answer anything follow up on that, Amy saw that the Pop Rocks burned the vagina on Sex and the Yard so there you go, something to grow on, And I have in front of me, why, yes, yes, I do. That's right. It is oral sex candy boat BJ blast, and it is cherry flavor. That's right. So you can get different flavors. Now we know how to make it taste different. Awesome. That's great. All right. So, wow, we cover so much so much so fast i'm excited we can always give it a try most definitely i'm in i'm in should we do that should we do that when we do a podcast as of course the the tech guy is like no no absolutely not it'll be all, you know, I don't know. What's the worst thing that we're going to have a curtain up? We're not going to see any codes next time when we do this. I don't know if we'll be allowed to do that in the old FB live with that. Can't do anything on there. Just saying. All right. So, there we go. All right. So, and also, Jim put on there, on there pop rocks are okay and they're very weird on your cock so you want to make sure you get all the pop rocks off or later when you're sweating uh just out and about doing yard work if you don't have them all off then uh your your dick's gonna tingle so just that's one to keep in mind if your dick tingles it may not be an std it could just be pop rocks isn't that the point of the pop rock so not when you're doing yard work no no when you're gonna blow job yeah when you're gonna blow job yes but when you're doing pop rocks no i mean when you're doing i mean when you're doing yard work no that's you shouldn't at that point time no you don't sweat will really stick set that off yeah, I would imagine. I haven't tried it.
Speaker3: You know what?
Speaker1: Maybe that'll be my homework. I'll just pour Pop Rocks on my dick, walk around randomly for the next week, and see what happens. And I'll report back.
Speaker3: Go for it. Yeah.
Speaker1: What else have you used for blowjobs? This is kind of fun to find out.
Speaker2: What have I used for blowjobs?
Speaker3: Yeah.
Speaker1: Or what do you like used on you?
Speaker2: I haven't used anything.
Speaker1: You used ice? You used ice before. Weren't you there? Someone's used ice on my dick and I was pretty sure it was you. That look is priceless.
Speaker2: I guess I could have.
Speaker1: Do you like ice on the old vajayjay? No. Even on your one dildo that you like ice up? You put in your freezer? Your glass one? She's thinking, thinking.
Speaker2: Yeah, on how to word it. I have had a glass one that was stuck in the freezer. And it was okay Right Jim? The sensation was okay Is it the same as a Bomb pop?
Speaker1: That's right There you go I forgot you'd had the bomb pop You'd had the bomb pop That was That was pretty funny because you don't like to be cold So that was I don't know.
Speaker2: I don't know.
Speaker1: I don't know.
Speaker2: I don't know.
Speaker1: I don't know.
Speaker2: I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker1: I don't know.
Speaker2: I don't know.
Speaker3: I don't know. I don't know. I don bomb pop. That was pretty funny because you don't like to be cold.
Speaker1: So that was, that bomb pop melted fast, just saying.
Speaker2: It's warm.
Speaker1: No, it's hot, steamy, steamy hot. Okay, so. It was one thing doing it with bomb pop, and then somebody comes and licks it up, so you have cold hot it was weird i just went along with it because i was told to okay by the host of the party you didn't have to put weird in there you know that right it was it got weird at at bomb pop right then and there it had already got weird that was like without without even saying
Speaker2: that it went weird no because somebody earlier on our facebook page had put had pictures of a bomb pop and they said it's a perfect day for a bomb pop and i about died i'm like i guess so that only makes you think of that but you know use sugar free Nobody likes a sticky mess
Speaker1: Down the road Sugar can cause a yeast infection later. So use sugar-free. Okay, so there you go. That's actually, see, now we're back on like an adult topic right there. That's actually really good. I was told that by a nurse. By a nurse. So say that again, so in case people. Use sugar-free, because sugar will cause. So when you're sticking things, when you're, when you're experimenting with new, with new, uh, how would we call it? Organic or that's what they'll be. With new organic dildos, you should always use sugar free so that you don't have, so it doesn't cause like a yeast infection.
Speaker3: Right? Mm-hmm.
Speaker1: Any of your favorite, what are your favorite organic dildos? Thank you. So it doesn't cause like a yeast infection. Right? Mm-hmm. What are your favorite organic dildos? This is awesome.
Speaker2: You act like I've tried every food known to man.
Speaker1: I don't know what you... Maybe.
Speaker3: I don't know.
Speaker1: I know, but they don't know.
Speaker2: No, I'm pretty boring and bland.
Speaker1: The Midwestern taste all the way across the board. You've done the typical. I mean, the regular thing. Like that every girl tries, I think. Doesn't every girl try a cucumber? Isn't that like required?
Speaker3: I don't.
Speaker2: Well, have I tried a cucumber? I don't think so.
Speaker3: Obviously.
Speaker2: A carrot, maybe. But not a cucumber.
Speaker1: Obviously, you need it. If you've used a cucumber, you might want to use a bigger one.
Speaker2: We'll be right back. A carrot, maybe, but not a cucumber. Obviously, you need it. If you've used a cucumber, you might want to use a bigger one if it's that uneventful. If you can't remember if you've used a cucumber, then that's pretty uneventful. Maybe I was more intimidated by the size of it. Because a cucumber is big. The cucumber is large. But you bought it. So you can kind of... Well, yeah, you can adjust adjust what size you buy it's like you get to take and you get to take and choose you know small medium or large i have not tried hot dogs so so that's right uh so maybe we need maybe we need to go to the grocery shop i've just never had a desire to stick there. I just really haven't. We don't do a lot with food. We've never done a lot with food. It's always messy. Like salads and stuff. Okay, whipped cream is sticky. Yeah, it is. It is. But if you have diabetes, there goes that. Have we tried the chocolate? I don't think we've tried the chocolate. No, because it makes a mess all over. And then you're got, then you're running through the house and you're trying to explain why half the refrigerator is in your bedroom. That's always awkward. Yeah, no, we've never, we've never really tried any of that kind of stuff. I did try a lollipop, but that was before I realized, or I was told, don't use sugar. I didn't get a yeast infection. Well, you didn't keep it up there for a long time. It wasn't like you were walking around. I was more teasing on a cam.
Speaker1: It was all good. Oh, frozen. Amy says frozen hot dogs. There you go. There's the best. Okay, but no, wait a minute. That's kind of, wouldn't you want like the Polish dogs or like the big summer sausage? I mean, granted.
Speaker3: To each their own. Some people are all into beanie weenies i get that okay but i'm thinking for the most part that people are going to want something a little bit bigger i don't know if you hey folks if you use a beanie weenie make sure you put a string on it nothing is worse than if you have to take and go to the er and explain that a picnic went awry. What happened? I don't know. I slipped. There was a crock pot. Next thing I know, I have a beanie weenie stuck in my cooter.
Speaker1: Can someone please help me, please?
Speaker2: I'm just saying. This reminds me of a room of a girl in high school. Cher, don't hold back now. That she had sex with hot dogs and one broke up there.
Speaker3: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yes, it was a rumor in high school No the best part of this is She had sex with hot dogs Plural so if she bought A pack of hot dogs Would that be like a gangbang Seriously Oh my god I'm just saying. Or did she just date a different one each night? Really? Well, I don't know.
Speaker2: If you want a different flair in Dooley sausage, just to spice things up, so to speak.
Speaker4: Oh, my God.
Speaker3: All right. So, yeah. So, again, don't lose things in your vajayjay. That's always a good point, Amy. Never lose things in your vajayjay. Tie a string to it. Make sure you have an exit strategy at all times.
Speaker1: Thank you. I mean, just in case. In case that hot dog gets away from you. And away it goes. Boy, that'd be new meaning to, like, throwing a hot dog down a hallway. That would be awkward. Seriously. How many hot dogs can you get in your cooter? That would be, there's a contest. There's a game show in this somewhere along the line. Okay. Want a snack? Happy holidays. Fourth of July. That's where we roll. All right. So, yeah, I don't know how we got off on that. All right. We still got people letting us know about... Ed let us know that he knew a gal that had a banana break off in her cooter. Folks, if you're going to use a banana, safe sex. Remember, it comes with its own condom. Much less chance of it breaking if you go ahead and leave the peel on. Just saying. And then when you're done with it, a simple wash it off and put it on the counter. And it's available for whoever wants a snack for later. Just throwing that out there. No one will ever know. That banana smells funny. Oh, well. It's all good. all good all right really did you really go there of course i went there why wouldn't i go there that is way too easy for me not to just jump all over something like that i mean or hypothetically i'm not jumping on any bananas we all know i don't like bananas it is what it is all right so i almost don't even know where to go now that just like that took it yeah that just totally threw me off uh okay so so okay so here's the thing so what can a guy use for what food well do you wrap bologna around it that's yeah there's a lot of things you can cut holes in if you see a microwave and a knife are a wonderful thing okay so yes you can now these are not things that i've done but you can take uh and cut a hole in a in a can in a cantaloupe count yeah cantaloupe yeah put it in the microwave soften it up get it just warm not too hot because the last thing you want to do is just stick your wiener right in a steaming pile of cantaloupe and the next you know you've got third degree burns in a bandage it's there for a month so what about flipping apple pie sorry people will actually do that look there are stories of guys that will stick their penis in anything anything at all if it is round ish a guy will stick his dick in it i promise you and if you give that guy a beer or two he absolutely will stick his dick then you can fuck a camp stove you can fuck a camp and have it swabbed and get stocked. And have to go to the ER and have it drained. But as a general, the thing that guys like most... Thank God for the sexual addition of life and death in the ER. Oh, shit. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard in my life. Yes, it was an episode. This guy, and he went walking into the ER with a camping stove. Yeah, that was not as funny when the drugs wore off for him. Not near as funny. He was in pain to begin with.
Speaker2: Did you see the look on his face?
Speaker1: You see his girlfriend making fun of him? That's the part that was really funny.
Speaker3: Yeah.
Speaker1: She was there. Look, if you have your female partner there, go ahead and just, you know, take and stick your dick in, like, her is usually a really good thing. know guys really like what sex sandwiches oh jesus so what have you used what what have i used yeah have you used any food i gotta think back to when i was like a kid no i really haven't now i've got a whole new bucket list of things to try i'd be careful digging in our fridge if you come over our house you might want to check things first no i you know i i i never had but see i'm a weird guy okay in that like a lot of guys even like they jack off they've got to have like lube and kleenex and socks and all this crap i never use lube to jack off ever yeah i know i've watched it yeah i think there's a videotape of that uh in fact putting lube to jack off it just makes my arm tired so the first time that you ever saw a guy use lube was when we went over to that one guy's house that was that was camming well i'd seen it i'd seen it yeah that dude used like a fucking bottle and a half it's like dude you're jacking off you're not trying to start like you know a fire quit it yeah that guy used a ton i'd seen it in movies i tried it one time i tried it in college not gonna lie i tried it yeah i tried it in college i'm like well maybe it maybe it makes it feel more real so the neighbor when she told me a story about how her husband always would go through a bottle of lotion he must have had one soft dick and soft pumps i mean really i mean it just it just it's never to me i don't even like jacking off in the shower is like way more work i really what happens is by the time i finally come my arm hurts and i've got like cramps in my forearm it it's like not even it's not even worth it for me at that point in time okay so i will tell this story because it's embarrassing but it is what it is uh so when i was when i was in colleges as some people know i wasn't always a condom user weird wait what our tech guy shakes his head he knows uh so um i was like well i wonder if it feels different so i i wanted to experience so you're looking at me this is great so i actually can't wait to hear i actually i actually my roommate was gone for the weekend and uh so i i stole one of his condoms because i i didn't have any stole one of his condoms and put it on to jack off and you know what it was just as unavailable as normal i had a hard time getting it up and then i was just like messy i mean then my hand was all like oily and shit and i was like it didn't feel the same my hand felt cheated and It was like, well, that's what? But it wasn't ribbed. So it wasn't ribbed for my hand's pleasure. Why? What would possess you to waste a condom like that? Masturbate using a condom. Well, one, I want to make sure you know how to put it on. And I mean, that was a wrestling match in and of mean because i'm like well they're supposed to if you read the instructions on these fucking things it gives like a seven step thing and make sure there's so much for on a little package okay they do and uh so then you know i was like well what does it what does this feel like is this gonna feel i i was looking for a better high i was looking looking for something, something more exciting. And yeah, no, all that had in my hand, you know, was like gooey. And then it's like, and then I'm trying to, I didn't want you to, you know, I'm like using my shower towel. And then I was like, well, then I got to fucking go get ready. And then my shower towel smells like condom lube. And I was like, yeah, it just fucking ruined everything. I mean, it was just, it was horrible. It was a complete nightmare. But I hadn't tried, I hadn't tried, I did not tried one that was ribbed. So my hand might have liked it more. Maybe it might have liked unlubricated. Maybe. I don't know. So yeah, I never, I don't, yeah. But I've never tried, I've never tried a lot of... no vegetables i've never no think about this raw vegetables are hard oh think about this you could take a tomato and hollow out a tomato and use that granted be extremely messy and red it would be like red wings and we all know that i'm not necessarily into my red wings but it would be soft and juicy yeah but what if you try to get like what if you try to get all dominators on it you squeeze too hard to explode you're like call me daddy call me oh i killed it oh my god i killed it what am i gonna do now i mean no i've not seen the grapefruit video no what's the grapefruit video I don't know.
Speaker3: I don't know. do now i mean no i've not seen the grapefruit video no what's the grapefruit video obviously somebody fucking a grapefruit that's uh yeah no see this this is what that okay amy amy has the ultimate comment on this one uh she just said your hand seems seems too picky. And actually, you know, my hand is pretty picky,
Speaker1: and it gets really pissed off if my other hand tries to get involved. It's all out on a threesome. My hand, there's no way there's going to be a threesome going on.
Speaker2: Your other hand doesn't operate well.
Speaker3: It does.
Speaker1: It's like trying to keep a beat as a drummer with it, but this one hand doesn't work real well. So one hand is like, stroke. The other hand is like, stroke. It's like a fucked up piston in an engine. I will tell you this. This is one to grow on, kids. For those of you that know me and see me, you'll notice that I wear lots of rings. Take off your rings before you jack off. Take off your rings. Number one, it sounds like you've like chimes going off on your hands and number two it's like teeth just so just so you know and there's nothing worse than realizing you forgot to take a ring off then you're going you're like oh fuck i gotta take a ring off then you gotta start over you don't have to start over my my my dick thinks it has to start over. It's true. Then it gets all confused, and it's like a new player has entered the game because all of a sudden it doesn't have rings on. Just saying. Don't even look at me like that, because here's the deal. When you're getting eaten out, I have seen this, I have have lived it if i stop to take a breath and like pull away you're like and i stop for a second you don't just start right back from where you're at we're like back at square one again i have learned that because once your tongue goes numb about three times into an end you're like i would rather not fucking breathe because otherwise my tongue is gonna fall off it feels like a cat's tongue it's all i get tongue cramps everybody's different um just everybody's different just saying all right wow i love these stories this is awesome i'm gonna tell people all kinds of shit that I never thought I'd share with the world. I thought I was being all sly that time when I was jacking off in my dorm room with a condom on. I didn't really actually think I'd ever tell that story everywhere. And you were how old when you started? What, jacking off? Yeah. Oh, fuck. I became very sexually aware or realized that my dick liked to be touched at a really early age. I think I jacked off for the first time. The earliest that I can remember, I had this teacher that I thought was hot when I was in kindergarten. So that was the first time I jacked off was kindergarten.
Speaker2: Did you picture her when you were doing it?
Speaker1: It might have crossed my mind. Absolutely. You're weird. No, I was an overachiever. I didn't get great grades in school. There wasn't a lot of things that I overachieved, but I most definitely overachieved when it came to sex. Absolutely. I was beating it like it owed me money before i even knew what money was we needed we needed a lemonade stand kids that's right you know what i was able to come up with lies to my mom and dad when they'd walk in and catch me when i was like seven years old oh it burns oh i had an itch Yeah oh yeah No I wasn't doing that
Speaker2: They didn't get concerned when you said aw it burns
Speaker1: No I think they probably knew what was going on And just decided to like turn a blind eye to it And just be like
Speaker2: No they probably didn't realize you were doing that at that young
Speaker1: Oh yeah yeah I was all I was well versed In the art Oh there was my phone I was well versed in the art Yeah Oh, there was my phone. Well-versed in the art. Yeah. If we'd had phones now, the technology now, like back then. Like Pornhub? Pornhub. I probably still wouldn't have left my room. I'd probably be a 45-year-old with my mom and dad's going, you've got to leave your room. Leave. Because, yeah, I'd have been all. i was the kid that saw 1 900 numbers or 1 800 you know sex line numbers okay here we go story story time that's right okay so i was homesick supposedly i was kind of sick i was in seventh grade and uh so i really wanted to do this whole phone sex thing i wanted to see what this was all about right so uh i had found a dirty magazine and had numbers in it and so i'm calling these numbers right oh yeah yeah that looks impressive i'm calling these numbers at how much a minute and yeah and they needed a credit credit card. So I didn't have a credit card, of course. So, uh, in the mail that day, my mom and dad got a credit card offer in the mail. So it had one of the, one of like the bogus credit cards, you know, that are on there. So I'm calling all these fucking numbers and I'm trying to put it in for the credit card. I'm trying to get this off of the piece of mail, off of the piece of mail, the credit card number and the expiration date to put this in. I'm like, this has got to fucking work. So then what I ended up doing when that wasn't working, I started making up numbers. That's right. I started making up numbers to try to get one to see if it would, to see if it would, if it would actually hit. Uh, it did not. but the problem with this little process of mine was i kept trying different numbers well i didn't read and understand the concept of collect calls and that your phone number will be billed oh uh-huh yep so um this goes on i get i'm on a phone sex line for all of a whopping, like, it was actually one minute and 23 seconds. That's how long it took for me to just fucking just blow a load like I'd never blown before. It was incredible. And then I forgot about it. Whatever. Totally spaced it. Never thought I could think about it again. So this would have been, it was like January, because late February when the phone bill came, I was getting ready to go to, I was going somewhere, I don't remember where I had to go, like a choir concert or something, it doesn't really matter. And my dad calls me into the living room, or I just got home from a choir concert. That's what it was. Just got home from a choir concert. My brother had driven me home and picked me up and driven me home. And mom and dad are waiting in the living room and they need to talk to me. They want to know if I knew what all these charges were. The $17 in charges were from New York and Pennsylvania. Some of those numbers charge you just trying to call through the, to put in the credit card. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. And I'm like, no, well, what day had it been during the day? Who would have been here? I'm like, I don't know. You know, Grammy and Grandpa might've been down. I don't know. I have no idea. Play about your grandparents. Oh my God. I was panicked. Now, I'm not really for sure that they bought that for sure. I thought, but I was like, you know what? It scared me enough. I never tried to call another phone sex number again.
Speaker2: You think? Gosh, and here I was, Miss Immature, and just looked at the blurry TV with all the lines
Speaker1: going through it, and the only best sex scenes you could see were doggy style because you could actually see what they were doing i jacked off the catalogs not even kidding i jacked off she just got called let her have a snack it's all right it's okay it's okay she can have a jelly bean oh okay so uh yeah no i actually uh um yeah sears catalog i never heard that before sears and robot catalog i had never heard that story what what about the phone segment no i know yeah i know yeah nice yeah yeah or the fact that i love when sears catalogs came i don't see what's sexy about sears catalogs they had the bra and panty section in it that was as close to fucking porn as as you could get on a real regular basis you could be in the bathroom and look at that and somebody's like what are you doing in there looking for christmas lists and it was just fine now i don't know if mom ever figured out why exactly the bra section of the Sears catalog was sticky as a motherfucker. I have no clue. Now, having seen, you know, free boobs and free cooters, I can honestly say that, and real porn, yeah, it's really not. You know, granny panties now, I'm not pulling one off granny panties now. But when you're fucking 10 years old, oh, hey, look at that one. She's got her back to the camera. Woo. Just fucking beat it like it owes you money. See, and look at this. We got guys going on there saying, I'm not the only one. There's a lot of guys in this world are really disappointed when the catalogs went away. So now think about the Victoria's catalogs you would have had a heyday my dick would have ripped off okay and yes jim the christmas catalog was the absolute best because they showed all of them that's right victoria secrets catalog now i'm 45 years old and i'll still be tempted to damn near pull one off because i can picture what they look like without the bra and panties on but uh oh yeah at 13 years old oh fuck i my underwear would have bloody it had fucking i'd have ripped it off it'd been ripped and tore directly open from beating it so much they would have yeah oh yeah yeah look look when you're a 13 year old guy it's a legitimate fear when you have to go in, you know, and they used to do the whole turn your head and cough thing. It was a legitimate fear that there would be a female nurse or doctor. She could have looked like fucking Hulk Hogan, but if you knew she had tits, there was a damn good chance that if she touches your balls, you're going to get a hard-on. Okay? There is there is just there is no way there's no way even vaguely around that so you know that kind of stuff you just you just knew uh that would that was like a real fear you know you were like oh god please don't be a chick please don't be a chick oh god uh you know and every guy's thinking the same thing and that's why everybody's making you you're gonna get a boner when you get your balls touched yeah motherfucker there's a chicken there so will you so i mean that was like a legit a legit fear that you know we we all had you know i don't know i'm just saying well all these guys coming on the catalog you know i yeah i wonder how many postmen really realized what they were actually delivering was every they were guys, yes, they did, obviously. They were all delivering every 13-year-old Christmas dream. And then when you came out of the bathroom, you better have something. Well, what did you find for your Christmas list? The chick on page 23. Now, you have to remember, though, I was the guy in kindergarten. This is true. True story. In kindergarten, we had to make a mural cut pictures out of magazines of something you really liked and something you were really into. And then they were putting it out on display for conferences. And the parents picked them up. So and I still have it. At some point, I'll have to post a picture of it. So all these other kids are having like pictures of soccer balls and footballs and sports and girls are like you know dresses and dolls and baton twirling and all that crap whatever you know my mom and dad walked into I had sat there and cut all these girls out in underwear and bikinis and posted on and filled the full board with, yeah, with absolute nothing but sex stuff. So that's what mom and dad, I never forget. My dad, my mom was like, I don't know if this was appropriate. My dad's got a big cheesy eating grin on his face. He was like, yeah, you probably shouldn't do that. But we still have that. So, yeah. So even in kindergarten, I was. Nice. Yeah. I had my priorities. Very straight. What can you say? Hey, it is what it is. Just saying. So. All right, kids. Guys, we love you so much. Thank you so much for tuning in tonight. And for our podcast this week, The week the crazy truth hey don't forget to take and send us your questions uh that would be at our email address crazy.kazba at gmail.com k-r-a-z-y dot k-a-s-b-h at gmail.com we look forward to answering all your questions next week on our show. When, again, it'll be myself. It'll be Miss Amanda.
Speaker3: Who knows?
Speaker1: We may have a guest on here with Ace. So until then, doing it the only way I know how, the only way I want to. Casbah Style, out.
Speaker2: Bye, y'all.