Sex Toy Horror Stories

Transcript

This program contains strong sexual content. No one under the age of 18 is permitted to listen to or download the podcast in any manner. The host, guest, and performers all over the age of 18. Rebroadcasting this podcast in any manner is strictly prohibited without the written consent of the owners of the Hot White Podcast. The commentary of this program is the sole opinion of its host or guest and does not reflect Hi, this is Donna Lynn, and welcome to my Hot Wife Podcast, where we discuss all the good, the bad, and the really erotic of the swinger lifestyle. Hello, everybody.

This is Donna Lynn, and welcome to my Hot Wife podcast. I'm here again with my wonderful husband, Vince. Hey, hello. How are you doing today, babe? Doing all right. Still battling that cold, I see. Yeah, you know. It is what it is. Yeah. So, yeah, it's going around. Everybody's getting something. You know, one day it's good, one day it's not so good, so whatever. That's my biggest complaint, which it's not. It'll be okay, so. That was your biggest complaint. You'd be doing okay. Doing okay. That's my biggest complaint. That means I'm not married. What are you trying to say? Nothing.

I love you. Of course. That's what I thought you meant. Yep. What? You don't have any of those ridiculous things to annoy me? What's that? The buttons? The ridiculous buttons? No, I told you I took that one off. I have nothing. You're lying to me. No, I don't. Okay, see the board? Yeah. There's the two that say HW HWP Opener and HWP Close. That's it. That's that. And then these two are for the other podcasts I was trying to do. Oh, I see. Yeah, the ones that aren't lit up don't have anything programmed to them. I'm surprised you don't have the hot husband on there. No, go on, took that off.

That's a shame. I thought that was going places. Oh, it's going to. Yeah, you think so? Oh, the email I get is incredible. Oh, no, just crazy. You know. Please. Who the fuck listens to you anyway? It's what you're saying to me, but. Hot wife podcast? No, thank you. Bring on the hot husband podcast and find one. Oh, come on. It was fun. It was all fun. You didn't take me by surprise, you know? That was the goal. You know, you always do that to me, though. It's always a zing. What good would it be if I told you, well, here's what I'm going to do? You wouldn't laugh. I wouldn't laugh.

It came as a surprise, and it was good. You know, so. Off the cuff. Oh, man. Oh, man. So, before we start, there's going to be a reason we're going to make sure we get this first. Okay. I want to talk about Spunkwub. Yes. Okay. Spunkwub is our only sponsor. And we're thankful for them. They're a great product, a great company. Jeff and his crew are off the hook people. They've sent us products. and we've shared that with some of you.

And what Jeff is doing is if you go to Spunk Lube and you place an order in the discount code in the shopping cart, type in hotwife, all one word, you'll get a 10% discount. Or go to our website and hit the banner. That's hotwifepodcast.com, and you'll hit the banner for Spunk Lube, and it automatically will apply 10% discount. And you're going to see why we're getting it. Yes, why we're really hitting the Spunk Lube hard this evening. Yeah. Yeah. So we have a common thing.

When Stephen was out visiting us, we told him one of our practices is when we come up with a topic, we don't talk about it. Exactly. We sit there and go, hey, here's a topic. Why I have six lug nuts on the wheel of my car. There's an inside joke there. But anyway. Fascinating. But we don't talk about it until we're on air. That way it comes off as fresh as we can be. Might not be as competent, but it's as fresh as we can be. We're not here for competence. We're just here to, I don't know what we're here to do, but okay. Waste time, apparently.

But, you know, so we try to keep our conversation as real on the podcast. We don't have a script. We have nothing. You know, and it shows. Well, now and then, if we're doing something that's more, requires a little more research, we'll go to a website. But it's not a script. No. You say this, I say that. You say this, I say that. No. I can't do that. I don't read that well. Come on, give me a break. Yeah, you could draw me a comic book. It wouldn't matter. Pictures don't help.

So the topic we're going to talk about today, we found out about a friend had done something and didn't go well apparently and I kind of laughed my ass off at it oh everybody makes I guess we can say in general what happened we're going to get to it so okay you go ahead because it was your friend he's our friend but more your friend I play with him and I suppose today was a play date with him and he goes Donna I think I don't know how to tell you this but I think I broke my penis I was like that's exactly quote. I was like, what? What do you mean you broke your penis?

Well, I have one of those. I'm waiting for Amazon to deliver a new one. Yeah. Hey, how about it? I had to get the code to ship it back. He said, I have one of those toys, you know, like, I don't know whether it's a fleshlight or one of those ones that suction and, you know. One of those ones he says it's like a silicone inside. Yeah, it's silicone. Different settings.

And he was going crazy with the settings he goes my dick is so red and sore i was like oh are you gonna be able to play today he goes well yeah i'm i'm sure it'll be okay because but it's i said did you use lubricant he's like no i should have but i'm like ding hello spunk lube i said you gotta use lubricant i'm gonna wrap my dick in rubber rubber yeah and i have to do all sorts of motions to my dick And to make sure it has the best grip possible. And rip the flesh right off my cock. Yeah, a little forethought would have been... We're not laughing at him. Yeah, I am.

I couldn't laugh at him when he was here. No, because his dick, the head of his car was red. It looked like road rash. It did. It looked like road rash. The shaft was kind of purplish-red. His balls were okay. He says, I'm fumbling through the buttons with the settings and all these different things are going on. He says, I didn't know what to do, which one I liked, whatever. Yikes. He says, maybe a little experimenting, like looking at it first, put your finger in there maybe. Put it on a low setting. Before I put my dick, I mean, other than a woman. Okay.

But even then, I put my finger in first usually. Yeah, your tongue finger. Yeah, yeah. Before you stick your dick in there. Put my dick in it. It's like. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Yeah. I question. Very trusting. Very trusting. You know, I can honestly say with no hesitation, I have never put my dick in anything that wasn't female or my hand. Female and alive. Let's just put that. Breathing. Oh, you never said that. Oh, that's just foul. That's just wrong on so many levels. Now you're going to give me stipulations. Okay. No, my ex-wife...

No, there was a girl I dated that actually didn't seem like she was alive. Oh, really? Yeah, I told you. She just laid there. Oh, yeah. Well, you've had a couple even in the lifestyle that kind of just laid there and you're like, I don't know, man. She didn't move. She didn't move. I had to put a mirror under the nose to make sure she was still alive. But I don't know, man. I see these. Like, we have some of the toys on our website. Check them out. That are for men, for women, for couples. Right. And, you know, yeah. I just... It might be kind of fun. Just use lubrication. No, I...

Use Spunk Lube. Well, yeah, you should. Absolutely. You should use Spunk Lube. I'm not kidding at all. No, no. We're not kidding. If you're going to use a toy, you should use some kind of lube. Yeah, some kind of lubrication. And it should be spunklube.com. Don't forget to put a hot wife all one word in the discount code. I mean, I just, I don't know. When does your hand, okay, we'll go with the premise. You might not have a woman available to you. Okay, I get it. I understand. My whole life, I haven't always had a woman available. Right.

I didn't go to Harbor Freight and look for hardware, though. What can I put my dick in? Oh, man. It's like, well, let's see. What can I buy to put my dick in here? You know? You know those powder things? Powder things? Yeah, the sandblast. Oh, yeah. No, the sandblast and gloves might be fun, but I'm not going to take the little fucking airbrush. That would be terrible. I just sit there like... I mean, guys who...

do it great i i personally i just like if i didn't have a female available my hand was fine i didn't need i never i didn't think about like one of the vacuum cleaners you know if yeah if i dull the blades of the food processor those whirling blades it might be might be good oh my god i could use that to trim my ball hair. Just lower it just enough. I don't know. That sounds dangerous. Oh yeah, don't try that at home or anywhere. Yeah, don't try any of these things. If I say something, nothing is meant to be an idea. It's meant to be like, no, don't do it. Don't do that. I don't know.

I mean, like the female toys. Okay, they look like penises. Your vagina, your pussy, your twat, whatever you call it. is meant to take a penis. Yeah, it's used to being pounded. Your asshole can take those things, okay? Now, those big fucking rubber fists and feet and shit I've seen is like... Used spunk lube. Lots of spunk lube. Get the 55-gallon drum. I just, at some point, some of these things, like some of these... I mean, when... When do you sit there and go, my hand just incontinent. I don't want female company.

I want, I'm going to take the flashlight, take the bulb out of it, and I'm going to fuck the tube of the flashlight. No. There was a guy when I was doing the Sex Panther thing, and that's all he used was one of those, I'm not sure if it was a flashlight or one of those models, but he loved it. He used it all the time. the time. Every time we do a private cam thing, he was using that thing. All the time. He just loved it. He was like, oh my god, it feels so good. It looked erotic. It looked very erotic, but I guess it's a bitch to clean out. I always wondered about blow-up dolls.

If you live in an apartment, do you have to take it, since you don't have a garden hose or something, you take it down to the car wash or Strapped it to the top of your car. Bye, Joe. Got a big weekend coming up. Yeah. I got the doll with a loving anus. I found that white wall cleaner makes her pussy nice and clean. Oh, my God. I don't know. Those dolls, I could never... No, they're... I could never... I'm talking from personal experience here. I could never fuck a balloon like that. Bad enough fucking with a... a condom on. Yeah, yeah, I agree. You know, but with a condom, I can understand.

How many guys do you think fuck those blow-up dolls with a condom on? Oh, good point. I didn't even think of that. Does that cause a static charge and your hair on your head? I don't know. Well, the thing is, those blow-up dolls, the way that they're, they're plastic. It's not like... Well, they have those real dolls, too. Yeah, like $5,000. Or more, whatever they cost. I forgot, I paid so long He just paid yours off finally? One more payment and she's all mine. I think these seams would hurt. They would hurt. I would never. I don't know. I would be sticking any part of my body in them at all.

I don't even think I'd be able to stick my fingers in. I would take that money and invest it into classes to get a personality. Yeah, because that's. And people are listening to the show going, then you should spend some money. You should, Vince. You should definitely spend some money. I don't know. I don't know. Not your cup of tea, huh, babe? Hey, some guys really like them. I mean, if they're into it, I don't understand it. I mean, if you want to write to us and explain to us, to me, to whatever, to everybody, because I'll share the letter.

You don't have to give us your real name or I won't use it, whatever. Um, what it is about those toys or blow up dolls that work for you. Well, here's the thing. You're being very unfair. Women have all kinds of toys and it's perfectly okay to have these phalluses that we fuck ourselves with. You know, when we do have fingers, fingers suck, let me tell you, but you know, I mean, if I'm using my fingers on myself, here's the difference. What's the difference? Here's the difference. Okay. There's a difference. Okay. A woman, no matter what shape, size, whatever, can get laid.

That's not necessarily true. Sure it is. Guarantee it. Any woman. That's a generalization. Maybe she doesn't want just any man, but she wants to get off. She's a little more particular. A dick is not a dick. Like I said earlier, the woman's toys look like what they're supposed to look like. Well, except for that last one that I had. You look at some of these fucking male toys. You know, they look like a fucking alligator fucking mouth on a fucking flashlight thing. Well, you have to have some kind of a tube that emulates a woman's pussy. Or mouth. Or mouth.

So that's why they have like the fleshlights are kind of so cool because they have like a woman's mouth. Which is more embarrassing. If you were the woman masturbating with a vibrator, and somebody walks in and sees you. Or a man with one of these fucking Lego kits fucking jerking off with one of these fucking things. It doesn't matter. It's just a different toy that suits their purpose. He has an Audi. I have an innie. I understand that part of the thing. I need something that goes into my innie and he needs something that he can put his Audi into. I don't know.

See, men's toys are just coming into like a real surge. Renaissance. Yeah, like a renaissance. There he goes. Thank you. You know, I mean, it's women have always had some kind of dildo of some sort, you know, I'm into the visual stimulant and having something like on that, on my dick like that would not be the visual. Okay. All right. I'll give you that. I would actually make fun of myself for that. You've never, you pathetic. Fuck. Look at this. You're fucking a cupcake. You know? Yeah. I mean, it's just like, do you, do I, you know what you, The warmed-out liver.

Yeah, you put your dick wherever, whatever you can put your dick into. It's just like, really? Yeah. How pathetic am I? I'm talking about myself now. I'm offending somebody. I'm sorry, but I'm just saying I... Now, if I rip my dick in a cupcake, I'm coming to you and going, hey, you want some icing? You know. It's cream-filled. Yeah, you know. You know. That's one thing. But, you know, I just, you know, I... You know, I'd go to, you know, Home Depot and go, I need some four-inch PVC pipe. And I need a bicycle tire with a slit in it. And a pipe clamp.

Electric motors that vibrate or have a suction pump. Where's your wet-dry-vax? It's a science experiment. Right. Well, we had that back massager thing that used a jigsaw. Jigsaw. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's pretty. Yeah, but that guy, let's pretend you were going to use that to masturbate. That would pummel your clit to the inside. Yeah, it was actually way too much. It was way too much. Even if you kicked the jigsaw down a little bit, it was still. It was, yeah. And this was not the, this was the battery-operated one, so it already doesn't have the power that the corded one has.

And it was way too much on my back. It was just, I'm used to the, they came with different balls. Remember that? Yeah. It was pretty cool. But yeah, I pounded the crap out of my back. I'm like, you know what? That's just, no, no. There was that one time that way, way, this is way back in the day. We did that shoot with the, put that dildo on the drill bit. Don't do that. Yeah, don't, definitely don't do that. But I use a lot of lubricant and you had to have it. You better, you're going to fucking take your pussy and make it into a fucking candy cane. Twirl it around and shit.

It could have ended very poorly, but it was okay. It didn't feel that good. It looked erotic, but it didn't do anything. It's like they have those new fuck machines. It's just like... I get flashbacks back to that one toy I had, the You know the one I'm talking about. I'll explain it to everybody. It was a regular dildo, but in the middle of it, it was kind of like an accordion. It was a pulsating. It pulsated in and out to fuck you. So you didn't have to fuck yourself with a dildo. You held it in place. It would go in and out.

But it was kind of like an accordion because it went together and came apart, kind of like billows would. The darn thing started smoking on me. Yeah, well, you clamp it down on the fucker thing. I used lube. I believe I did. I hope I did. That would have been the smart thing to do. That was a long time ago. Yeah. I mean, with toys and stuff, you have to use a lot of lube because they're plasticky or whatever, silicone, whatever they're made of these days. When you guys came up with that toy, I was like, no. Which one was that? The drill? The drill one. Yeah, yeah. We were very gentle with it.

Put that on. Yeah. You run out of lube in that process. You were going to fucking... destroy your snatch. Oh yeah. You could die. You could rip everything out. I mean, seriously, you could definitely cause some serious damage, but it went okay. So don't do that. Don't do that. We were okay, but don't do that. Yeah. So tonight's topic, actually, you're going past it. It's kind of, um, sex toys going wrong. Yeah. Kind of. We had a, you know, like a buddy of mine used to be a paramedic. He's now passed, but anyway, um, so, he worked the third shift in a hospital as a paramedic.

And he said one night they were sitting in their little paramedic cuby hole. Right. Waiting for a call. And he says, just past us was a desk where you would go in and check in, in the emergency room. And if I remember, he said, it was like two o'clock in the morning. It always is, isn't it? And, um, he says, this couple comes walking in and their house coats. Well, it's, Nothing struck up like, well, that's interesting. Of course, a lot of times in the middle of the night, something like that happens. People come in in their house coats. He means house coats. He means robes.

Anyway, I got some of my tooth, so I'm just checking out. So they walk past the paramedics, and they go up to the front desk, and the girl goes, what's the emergency? What can I help you with? And they said, well, we would like to talk to a doctor. And the nurse says, well, you need to tell me what's wrong. so I can get you the appropriate doctor. We would really prefer to discuss it with a doctor. Oh, my body goes, at this point now, all of a sudden, they all leaned out and looked down. He says, all of a sudden, like nurses in the emergency room are looking out behind the curtains.

And they said, we'd really like to talk to a doctor. She goes, I can't get you to see a doctor because I need to know what the problem is so I know which doctor is right for you, you know? So then they proceed to tell the story how the two of them were messing around. And the husband said, honey, put your vibrator in my ass. And she did. And must have said, go a little further. And she did. Go a little further. And she did. And he says, okay, pull it back out and she says I can't. I lost the grip.

So at that point my buddy says that him and the other paramedics ran out of the hospital and would laugh. Nurses were fucking running for cover so they could laugh. That's terrible. They proceeded to tell the doctor apparently the nurse who took care of it was in there with them that they stayed home. They tried everything. They tried the laxatives and trying to reach in there and get it out. Oh, my. They waited to come into emergency room until the batteries died because they couldn't even turn it off. No, that would just add it to it. Imagine walking in and, what's wrong? Oh, my God.

So, yeah, this poor gentleman, apparently they had to cut his rectum because it was so deep they couldn't, Had to cut his rectum, go in there, grab it and pull it out. Wow. I have to remember that the next time I stick a toy up my ass. I'll get you in the surfer board leashes. Tie it to your ankle. I'm just thinking that. Yep, I'm going to do that on all my toys because I do a lot of things with anal. Going to work on Monday. Hey, Bob, what happened to you? Hurt yourself every weekend? You're limping. Yeah, something stuck me in my back. My back. Yeah, it's an old football injury.

You know, I was helping move something. It got stuck and I couldn't move. Jane wasn't careful. Jammed something in the back side. Ouch. That's terrible. But do you make that as an insurance claim? You just go, I'll pay it out of pocket. I'll pay that one out of pocket. Hey, you know what they could have? Like those big fuzzy, almost like a tennis ball on the end of a dildo. There's no... I was going to say there's no way they would go in there, but I could be totally wrong. Yeah, have you seen some of those anal toys? Yeah, exactly. Some of them have like...

Like the butt plugs have like a foot on them. So I guess that keeps them from... So you can, they don't go in all the way. Okay. Yeah. A stopper, so to speak. Like a stopper. Yeah. Depends how much you stretch out your ass. All of a sudden the stopper goes in. Yeah. Woo. Farting you have a fucking ballistic missile. Like last week I was stretching my butt out for Mr. Beer Can. Jesus Lord. Yeah. I still don't, things don't go in that, that deep with me though. Yeah. It depends what your end game is. I guess. What are you trying to do? I give myself a colonoscopy.

I want to see how much he can rip my asshole open. Well, next time I want to leash on my dildo. All my anal toys have leashes on them. I think it's a good idea. Insurance policy. So yeah, this poor gentleman today. Yeah, his dick looked like he had road rash. Yeah, it was pretty... He said it was like even... You know, I don't know why he... I was going to say he came today, but I don't know why he arrived today because he said it was kind of painful. Oh, yeah. You know, he was able to have an orgasm, but he goes, I muscled through.

I'm like, oh, if it's painful, then don't have sex, you big dummy. Don't, don't, if it hurts you. Keep me from my machine. I don't know. I, you know, I mean... yeah, I, yeah, I got nothing. I just, I'm personally, I, I take, I'm blessed that I have a beautiful woman and other friends that if I don't want to jerk off, I have outlets. Yeah, you do. I don't have to stick my dick in an outlet. I, I'm still marveling at going into a, you know, my God, a, Harbor Freight or a Home Depot or a Lowe's and be like, hmm, what would be fun to stick my dick into today?

Yeah, I mean, I guess mail order has made sales of sex toys a lot more popular. Oh, a lot easier, yeah. Absolutely. Because you're not embarrassed to go buy, you know, your fucking, you know, George Foreman fist. Yeah. You're loving anus. Loving anus. I only say that because there literally was a sex toy that said on there, you know, something mouth, you know, love. It's like something about, you know, sensuous mouth and loving anus. I was like, why? So that's why that's where I got that from. That's I don't know. So wrong. So wrong. But yeah, I mean, lots of stories. We're not anti sex toys.

by any stretch. Oh, God, no. I have a whole drawer full of them. Drawer, she got... Okay, I have like a nightstand full of them and other things. We wanted to. We cleaned out your fucking nightstand. It looked like the fucking military parade in Russia with trucks with all these missiles and shit on. Yeah, kind of, yeah. Oh, we're throwing away a lot, too, because they, you know, they stop working or this or that. Yeah. You know, they... And the amount of sex toys I personally own? Zero. Well, I can't say. How many have I ever owned? Zero. Well, I like variety. But for a woman, that's fine.

Okay. Women... It's kind of safe, okay? It's not going to get stuck in there, necessarily. Yeah, there's nothing clamping onto you there or something. You know what I mean? It's like... Yeah. Yeah. Actually, I do know what you mean. Yeah. I don't know. It's just, I, I, I don't know. I mean, I, it's like cooking bacon naked. Why would you do it? Oh yeah. Why would you do that? That's just good point. It's like, I don't want to risk anything that could hurt myself down there. You know, it's delicate. It's like getting, you know, the head of your dick pierced at Prince Albert. Oh yeah.

What did my dick do wrong to me that I'm going to punish it by driving a nail through the head of and then putting a ring through it. No. No, my dick's done nothing wrong to me. No. I can see that. Yeah, that would have... It is fun to suck on, though. I have to admit that. My dick or a dick with Prince Albert? My dick with Prince Albert. Oh, well, I like pussies that are pierced, too, but not necessary. No, not... I wouldn't do that to my pussy for the same reason. It's the same, yeah. It's like, what did you do wrong? Yeah. You know, do you want to risk... Losing sensation? No, I'm not...

Yeah. I mean, you know, if I got a Prince Albert or whatever, you go to pee, my luck, I'd be peeing like in three urinals at the same time. When I was, when I didn't squirt straight up in the face. A sprinkler. Oh, that would be good. I didn't snoot at this one place as one girl had all kinds of piercings down there. First of all, it looked like fricking like, it looked like anglers gone wild. Like a jewelry stand at the mall. Yeah. With all the little thing that flipping around. But I thought it looked more like fishing gear, like the fishing horse.

Just put a rope around her shoulders, throw in the water, pull her out, see what you catch. Well, the thing was, we danced nude and I can always tell where she was because she literally, literally jingled when she walked. It was like ching. It was like, good God, what the fuck? All this shit's hanging down between her legs. It's like, oh my God. It was crazy. Well, like our friends up there at the house party, she just got her pussy re-pierced. Re-pierced, right. And I mean her pussy, she had the piercings out for a little bit and it's fine. You know, she's a nice meaty pussy. Right, right.

It was fun with the piercings in and now she has a new piercing in there. Right. And again, now she really gets off like when I suck on that piercing. See, when I was sucking on her piercing, she was moaning and I thought like... No, it was a good moan. That's a good moan? Ah, see, I thought it was a bad moan. Yeah, I think I said that before. for. Sorry. Yeah, but you know, I haven't been with too many been down on too many women that are pierced down there. Well, we should change that. Yeah, we really should. Yeah, I never know what to make of piercings because I would never.

I need to be down on more women that have piercings. I'm sure you, yeah, I think you do too. I need to be down on more women who don't have piercings. Well, that's true. Yeah, I'd be so afraid that if I got my pussy pierced that would be it. I won't, you know, the sensations. I've heard it could ruin the sensation Well, it depends what you get pierced. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, if you get the hood pierced or whatever. I don't know. I don't know. I forgot I got enough holes in my head and body I don't need anymore. I got enough things to deal with. Can you imagine? Yeah. You're going for an MRI.

It's like, can you take out all your piercings? It's like, oh. Well, that was the problem that she had up there. She had some procedures and you had to remove them. She said, it's a pain in the ass putting it back in. Oh, it is. So that's why she just did without for a while and Now she says, no, I need one back. Yeah, it's the same thing with the navel ring. It's much easier to put in than a pussy ring. I get that. But still, you go in there, oh, you've got to take that out. I'm like, oh, all right. Undo it. Make sure you don't lose a little ball. Yeah.

What happens to me with infections, I'd be afraid to get anything pierced in there because I'm going to get it cut off. Yeah, that would be pretty terrible. I lost two toes. I don't need to lose anything else. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Schneider. We have to remove your balls and your dick because you got an infection. What? It's like, yipe, yipe. Yeah. I wasn't using it at the moment, Doc, but... But... Can you replace it with something bigger and better? Is there a penis transplant? Hopefully my hand won't reject it. So... But, yeah, so it'd be funny.

Tell us if you have any toy stories that went wrong or know of somebody. Legitimate. Don't make one up. None of these wives' tales. You know, like the one about the girl who was fucking herself with a hot dog and it broke off. And then, you know, she had to go to the doctors or one. There was one years ago about a girl trying to fuck herself with a light bulb and it broke off. A light bulb? Oh, dear God. I don't buy that shit, so. No, no. The hot dog thing, yeah, I've heard that story before. Yeah, that one I can see could happen. I was doing a bachelor party.

It was a private party with my friend that I would dance with. And I bought a summer, not a summer squash, a summer sausage. You know how big these fucking things are? Well, I needed to say, it didn't go in. It didn't go anywhere. But it was just... Fun to try. The guys are pissed off you didn't have crackers. Yeah, that's what they were all upset about. I was looking for something smaller, but I was like, oh, summer sausage. You could talk about the banana incident. Oh, the banana incident. Slowly I turn, step by step. Yes, the banana incident.

When we would do these private parties, it was very... The fun thing that we would do is we'd make myself up into a banana split. So we made like a whole big rigmarole, a real big fan affair about it, you know. You know, we got me, like, opened up, you know, we got to strip the banana, peel the banana real slow, and then it had to be the right ripeness of a banana. It can't be overripe, otherwise it would fall apart. It had to be pretty firm.

And then you put the banana in my pussy, and then we put, you know, the chocolate on it and the whipped cream and put a cherry on top, and then the battered. had to eat the banana out of my pussy without using his hands. And of course, inevitably, I would... Yeah, go ahead. You would push it out. I'd push it out or he'd push his face into it so he'd get like a face full of... Whipped cream. Whipped cream and muck. It wasn't like he was truly performing oral on you. No. But this one guy got really close. Must have been really good at swallowing bananas because he got that and nicked.

How do you think he got Well, that's he nicked my pussy. I mean, like bit me. I was like, oh, my God. I mean, I bled. Yeah, I was there. I got it. I was there. Yeah, that's why you're reminding me of that one. Yes, it's like, oh, my God. He didn't mean to. It was, you know, just a little bit too much tooth there. Oh, my God. That's why I called him Bucky. Bucky. Oh, my God. So it's not a toy, but, you know, it was a banana. Something you use as a toy, essentially. Sort of, yeah. Sort of. Okay, so what's the weirdest thing you've ever masturbated with? Ah, the weirdest thing.

Besides the banana, besides the... I'm traditional. I like vibrators. I don't like dildos. I don't like... Like the one lady we used to shoot stuff with, she used to love big vegetables. Oh, yeah. Big vegetables. You showed me those. I mean... She could take a summer squash. Oh, the summer squash, yes. I've seen her do those. gigantic. Carrots. Jumbo carrots. I was like, oh, dear God. See, they don't bend like a human, like, you know, penis has, even if it's girthy, still has some give to it. Even Mr. Beer Can last week, as big as he was, had some give to that, to his chef.

So, you know, I could kind of get him in to some degree with some effort and lots of spunk lube. Let me tell you, lots of spunk lube. spunk loops. Should she lube up at all for those? I believe so. You'd have to. Those calves. I just find that being painful. Yeah. I believe she had to pre-lube. Oh my God. Yeah. That's just interesting. But see, they don't vibrate. It's like a dildo. I find dildos very boring. Very, you know, they're rubber. Why don't you look at me when you say that? Nothing. I'm looking away now.

You know, we got that one dildo from that one company and I had to like give it a review. It was so boring. It doesn't do anything. It's just plastic or rubber and doesn't vibrate. Doesn't, doesn't titillate me. Doesn't do anything. So I'd like rabbits. I like things that vibrate and different things. Yeah. Different buttons. Then I get you one that does all sorts of shit and you're intimidated. Oh my, I, I got that thing like stuck inside me though. I remember I stood up and the things like didn't slide out. I use, loads of spunk glue on that one. Loads. It was stuck inside. I don't know.

It wasn't that girthy. I don't know what my problem was. It just... Yeah. It was just in there. I'm like, look at this. I can walk around this dildo in my pussy. It's not going anywhere. I could have done anything. I mean, yeah, that was a little intimidating. That toy is definitely not for the faint of heart because of that. The finger... The advanced class. Yeah, that finger that goes in there and like tickles your G-spot. You got to be careful with that. You know, that could do some damage if you... if you're not careful. But yeah, that was...

I'll have to practice with that toy a little bit more. But I do like... I like the rabbit because you get that clitoral stimulation, then you get some vaginal stimulation, and you can go between them and turn one off and turn the other on. I like that. And I never burned any of them out either, so that's kind of cool. And you've tried. Oh, I don't know if I've tried. Come on. I don't want to do that. You put your time in, damn it. I do. I do put my time in, but... I've only had that one toy catch, you know, just start to smoke on me.

So, yeah, email us at hotwifepodcast at gmail.com and let us know if you have any toy stories, toys gone wrong. Toy story. The X version. The X-rated version. When toys go bad. When toys go bad. Yeah. When your toy goes awry. Yeah. If you have any... of things that happened to you or someone you know, please make the story, if you have them, please, you know, make it, you know, first or second hand. Right. Not, you know, a friend of mine from high school told me about a friend of his that lived in this school, went to that school, had his nieces, nephews, uncles, daughters, dogs, neighbor.

So, but, yeah, I just found it really kind of funny that, you know. Oh, yeah. And this gentleman who had the, this, whatever you want, to call it go wrong. He openly told us about it. He had no problem. It's like, wow, I wouldn't openly admit that. Yeah, I think I would have canceled and said, hey, I'm not feeling well. Yeah, I got to do my laundry or something. So he left here. He gave him a bottle of the organic spunk lube and three packets of the hybrid. I was like, use hybrid. Hybrid is what I just said. I said hybrid. No, hybrid. Say hybrid. Drinking too much over there? Hybrid. No, no.

I got to have a high beer. High roll. If anybody cares, I'm drinking Penelope's Cask Strength tonight. Cask Strength? Cask Strength. Okay, Cask Strength. Cask. Cask, with a K. Oh, I thought it was Cask. No, Cask. Cask, oh. What's a Cask? What they age it into barrels. I thought that was a Cask. It's a caska. Okay. They call it barrel strength. Forget it. Some of them call them casks. Okay. C-A-S-K. Okay. And this is coming out at 113.2 proof. All right. Yeah. It'll be fun tonight. I'm not fun at night. Oh, yes, you are. Come on. You're fun. This is the barrel strength Penelope's.

It is straight bourbon whiskey. It is a blend of corn, rye, wheat, and malted barley. All deliciousness. That barrel looks like something I could mash your bait with. Oh, me too. Look at that long neck. It's not long enough. It's just not long enough. It would just tease me. It wouldn't satisfy me. I need something more. Now if I started at the thicker end, that's a different story. You have a nice handle so it doesn't get lost. See, now you're talking sister. Jesus. Hello. Make sure you have your little leash on there. Don't want to get it lost. You know me so well. That's terrible.

Why do you think I like bourbon? I don't. I drink it, then I use it. Anyway, so I'm sorry about that. You just stopped. So Jay sent us an audio file after the blowjob. She gave us another audio file. Very erotic. Is that the one I listened to a little while ago? Oh, this is a new one. Yeah. Oh, because there was one I listened to before that was pretty erotic. Yeah, but this is a newer one. Oh, a newer one. I'm waiting to see some video. Yeah, yeah. I want to tie it in. Okay. I've heard the audio and it's erotic. I need to see video.

Audio can be very erotic, but you need to have some kind of verbal inclination as to what's going on. A lot of oohs and ahs don't tell me what's going on. You have to hear something like... There's more talking in this one. Oh, is there? Okay, because sometimes if you don't have that talking, you don't know what's going on unless somebody says, hey, you're... Steven called the other day. We had phone sex. Told me, fuck you. I said, fuck you. Oh, there you go. Phone sex. Right on. There you go. Steven called and said, hello. He's been busy. I'm sure he has been.

So, and still waiting for Eric to send more pictures of his lovely lady that enjoyed his ass picture. Oh, yes. Yes. Tight little bottom on her. Oh, my God. Wayne sent a funny cartoon. I thought that was pretty funny. Showed a bodybuilder, like a weightlifting guy. Right, right. Lifting one of the old TVs. It's like, yeah. The old TVs. Flat screens weigh like 15 pounds. The old TVs weighed 1,500 pounds, it seemed like. Yeah, they were. That's pretty funny. It's like, yep, I know the age. Kids today can't relate. They were awful. Wayne keeps me supplied with some good humor. I enjoy that.

Well, there you go. That's nice. So, Mr. Bale said he was back, but I haven't heard from him. I'm going to hear some more from him. And we have some people on Twitter who follow us that are like, Mr. Loke. Loke, yes. You know? And, you know. He's one of my only fans, and he's, I always, I like to put up teaser pictures before I put up the video, and every time I put up the teasers, he's like, you're going to make me wait. Why do you make us wait? Why? Where's the video? I always say something like, video coming out soon. Soon? When is soon? Now? Next week? Tomorrow? What are you?

He goes in like these crazy, like, banters. I was like, it comes out the next day. next day. I put the pictures up so it's a little bit of a tease and I put them up. I put the video up next day. It's exciting. Yeah, it's very excited. Every time it's like soon, coming out soon. What does that mean? Keep your pants on. It's coming out the next day. Within 24 hours the videos will be out. That's what happens when you turn me down for sex. I say it's coming out the next day. It's coming out the next day. Uh-oh. Should I be your It's a fast thing. It's a little something.

Again, our Twitter is increasing. It's still not phenomenal, but our Twitter or X, whatever you call it. If you don't follow us on Twitter, please do. Hot Wife Podcast. Go figure. I don't know where I came up with that one. It's so cryptic. I don't know. Thanksgiving's coming up. Yes, it is. Do you have anything exciting planned on Thanksgiving besides eating? No, because I was going to work the next day. Oh, well, we'll see what we can do. We'll see what kind of fun things we can, what kind of antics we can get into. Well, we'll have a show comes out Friday morning, like Friday morning.

Do you remember we did last Thanksgiving? Went to my daughter's. No, no. We didn't. What did we do? We had a playmate over. He was like the younger guy. That doesn't matter. He has a Hispanic name. He's pretty tiny. But yeah, I had a play date with him on Thanksgiving. He was like, yeah, he was getting ready to go to. And he had to leave to go to a dinner. To go to a dinner. Yep. Remember now. That's how we celebrate Thanksgiving. I'm the turkey getting stuffed. Yeah. Just got to get you those little paper booties for your feet. Oh, that'd be so hot. Wouldn't it make me to a turkey?

Already there. Oh, okay. I'm already there. I need more tan. I need to be browned. There's a statement there. So anyway. All right. So yeah, we wanted to share. We didn't have a topic originally for tonight, and then that whole thing happened today. It's like, we should talk about, you know, sex toys going wrong. Oh, man. Gotta be careful. And use, for God's sakes, use spunk lube or some kind of lubricant because it could get very nasty. The nice thing about spunk lube, it doesn't get sticky. No, it's sticky.

So again, some of the lubes, you could be using them and they get sticky and now it's got a grip. It's even worse. It's like glue. Use spunk lube. Spunk lube.com. Hot wife, keyword inside the discount code. Get 10% off. Yeah. Follow us on Twitter. Twitter. email us at hotwifepodcast at gmail.com. Let us know your thoughts, any comments, any ideas for a show. What else? Oh, yeah, me. Where they can see your shit. At hotwife.linn.com, and I'm still posting videos. I don't know when Mr. Beer Can is going to be posted by a few more weeks. Because there's a lot in the queue. But when Mr.

Beer Can gets posted, that one's going to be funny. And we're... Bearing down on the next house party. Yeah, we are. It's December 8th. Oh, you know Bob's going to want my ass. Well, there's a lot of women going to be at that party, too. So you might want to save your ass for his own private take time. Yeah, maybe. We'll see. Yeah, we'll see what happens. No one knows. I share. I play well with others. I got to finish building that glory hole for the party. Oh. Portable glory hole. Have glory hole world travel. Oh. I don't even know how to respond to that. Bring your knee pads.

That's a good idea. Yep. We're going to need to bring knee pads of some sort or pillow. Or just a padded fork thing that's a hoseable. Hoseable? Is that what you said? Got to clean it somehow. Got to clean it. All right. So I want to thank everyone. And again, it's Monday. Have a great week. Yeah, you too. Have a great night, everybody. Thank you.