PIcky and selective

I will have you know sir that I am a firm believer in the Be All You Can Be discipline, so no matter how high someone sets that bar I'm going to walk right under it.

I know what I be.??

Spoken with an extreme degree of knowledge, no doubt. ;-)

BT

There's always lack of prowess to fall back on.

Humor...AND intelligence??... Dagnabbit!... Never mind...

BT

For both my husband and I we're at the point in our lives where it's more about mental compatibility, than just physicality. That being said, we personally have a rule, neither of us is to take one for the team. It does limit connections, but we do swing separately at times and sometimes let the couples know that, if wither one of us is really attracted but the other isn't. I'm bi, my husband isn't so I probably benefit more than my husband from that fact. Sex is such a mental thing and the reasons you are or are not attracted to someone isn't always apparent. For me, intelligence and a good sense of humor will get me in bed much faster than him telling me about his prowess.

Wow, that is fun. I did the blindfold for her but it was someone new. The idea of someone she has hot thoughts about it hot. Now I have to think about who that would be.....

Ditto on "that" as well.

We have a phrase in our essays of something along the line of "if we don't like you we won't want to fuck you". I don't recall the wording without looking but the intent is essentially the same. We need a mental connection.

" For me, I have my preferences/rules/guidelines. For me, it's not race. It's not height. It's not weight (to a point.) It's mental connection. If there is not a mental connection, I have zero desire to have sex with them."

That.

There are some good points listed below. With that said, let me add some more on the edges :)

Everyone has their preferences. There is nothing wrong with it. Some people like tall people, some people like short people, some people like all people. However, when you start getting very very very narrow, it's almost as if you are coming up with reasons to say no instead of reasons to say yes.

The context of taking one for the team is often funny. People who state that generally state that their spouse is the best. Then by definition isn't fucking anyone else taking one for the team? :)

In our relationship, I am the picky one compared to my wife. My wife is not going to say yes to everyone, but she will say yes to more than I do. For me, I have my preferences/rules/guidelines. For me, it's not race. It's not height. It's not weight (to a point.) It's mental connection. If there is not a mental connection, I have zero desire to have sex with them. I have problems with women who are 100 IQ whereas my wife, that is not a criteria for her.

As was mentioned by GG, you may be restricting opportunities that are not as bad as your perception. For a long time, we had a guideline that the couple not be old enough to be our parents nor we old enough to be their parents. This kept us in a range of basically +/- 10 our age. One night, we were with a couple. After sex, we were having breakfast and the woman mentioned that later that day she needed to spend time with her grandkid. I thought she was late 30s at best. My jaw dropped and I asked, "How old are you?" She replied, "How old do you think I am?" I stated, "late 30s." She said she was 54 and because of that, we can go fuck again. She was nearly 25 years older then me. At that time, my guideline was re-evaluated. The sex was awesome. Had I adhered to the guideline and known beforehand, I'd lost out on some great sex with a great woman. That guideline was tossed. My wife, being 6'1.5" tall tends to like men that are at least 5'10". One day she was hit on by a guy who is 5'5" tall. His charm, wit and demeanor worked. Normally, she would have excluded him just based on height. He is one of her favorites to see and has been for the last 5+ years.

I bring those up because as GGMM mentioned, you may be leaving some decent to awesome sex out the window.

Now fortunately for you, there are a LOT of black males in the lifestyle. There are very few black females. There are lot of white males and females as well. So you may have to just do 3 somes if all you want is black males.

Good luck and there is no right answer from anyone else. The only right answer is the one that works for you and your relationship.

and to further on goodgolly.....

Both of us are somewhat driven by that phrase: 'i wonder how they fuck'. Sometimes that alone could be a turn on because curiosity leads you down other pathways.

That said....I wonder how Miss Molly fucks? Damn curious!

I like what goodgolly said. Very good points.

The phrase 'taking one for the team' is very broad and overused. To be a good sport i am sure one of the parties of many couples has gone below fantasy status and jumped and even had fun. Some would lump that in with taking one for the team. Truly taking one for the team would probably not be something even the spouse would want someone to do, even if they are sitting there with their fantasy fuck.

As for the OP, maybe one little thing to help would e to list that preference in your profile. If there, I missed it but i think that may help.

Otherwise, good luck!

Not one single person cried racist, kind of disappointing in a way, but clearly an eye opener considering........... maybe there’s hope yet.

~Allen

We encounter this somewhat frequently. Attractive woman paired up with a guy who looks like 10lbs of chewed bubble gum...or vice versa. If there isn't a mutual attraction among all 4 people, neither of us feel obligated to have sex with someone we don't find attractive. I'm not going to say that "taking one for the team" is a good or bad way to swing, but my g/f and I decided very early on that it wasn't going to be our way and neither of us will ever have sex with someone we find unattractive just the other can get laid.

Your partner should know what your preferences are in men and if he's pursuing women whose partners don't fall in line with what you like, then shame on your partner because he's focusing on his wants and ignoring yours. So that's something you might want to think about and talk about with him, and if this is what's happening then you've got some relationship issues to work on. If you don't feel that this is the issue, then you have a couple options:

1. If you aren't attracted to the male half of another couple, simply say that you aren't interested in fucking him, but you're ok with playing with the wife and you're also fine with your partner and her playing together and that he is free to do whatever he wants to his wife, but that you are off limits to him. Or you could let the 3 of them play while you sit out and watch. Talk about this with your b/f (ahead of time, not in the moment) and decide what scenarios you'd be comfortable with. This way if you find yourselves in this situation at the club, you aren't trying to make up the rules as you go and you can clearly let the other couple know what your willing to do. We've done this a handful of times over the years. This is the closest we get to taking one for the team, except that the "taking one" is actually where one of us doesn't [fully] participate. This probably doesn't work for many (most?) couples, but we're open and secure enough in our relationship that we don't both need to be active participants every single time. There is no written rule that says when 2 couples get together that both couples must engage in full swap. Decide what you're comfortable with and tell the other couple. Now the ball is in their court to make the decision if they want to play or not. If they choose not to, that's not on you.

1. Focus your efforts on single females and/or single males depending on the mood you're in. It can be difficult for 4 people to all find each other attractive enough to bump uglies together. If you start searching for singles, you've only got to worry about both of you being comfortable with and attracted to 1 person instead of 2. Since you're listed as bi, I assume you're fine with MFF threesomes and I'm guessing that he's ok with MFM threesomes as well. It's addition through subtraction. Maybe you even get lucky and find a cool single female and a cool single male that you could introduce to each other and they team up to form the perfect complimentary couple for you to swing with.

Good luck.

T

I see reams of responses with lots of advice and some me too added in. Any couple who are together all the time and for long time will have to make some compromises . That said, one suggestion is to concentrate your swinging to parties and clubs where she can be free to go off with the men of her choosing and he can follow his own desires .

OP... The Travel Vets third option is spot on for you IMO. I can't go through the events section for any given week and not find an interracial party going on in NJ somewhere. They will be what you're looking for to make you both happy.

"Wait until you find one you're attracted to" is the obvious answer. But if you could just bide your time and wait, then you wouldn't be asking for alternatives. So as a black man, who has been in your man's exact position, let me provide a little insight....

I've played with many women, as FWB, and then we play with couples. Most in that situation, have been white women. The ones I am thinking of for this, have ONLY wanted black men. But like your man, I'll play with any race. The same issues come up. There's just too many variables here to open up to a wide group.

If I like another woman... Her man has to be black and attractive, physically and mentally. He also has to like white women and her specifically. We're already asking two people to play outside their race, right there... I can find Halle Berry tonight and you're not going to be for it because the man is white. So before walking in the door, you've cut off the majority of people. No other men means no other couples that include them either.

Now throw in the other guy's woman... If she's black as well, then she's going to have to be ok with the white woman. She likes black men, here's another black man for her, but she has to agree to play with a white woman and/or let her man fuck a white woman... We now are up to 3 people needing to be ok with dating outside their race, before you even get anyway. And statistically, black women are the last people to date outside their race. So I've run into that more than anything.. Black women are not into white woman as frequently as black men are into white women

Third option... And here's where I finally get to the advice lol.... Find another interracial couple. More than likely, the black man in either couple, is attracted to white women more than anything. That's why he's got you ;) And the same applies for the white woman in this relationship. So finding another couple with the same exact makeup, already lets you know 1. He likes white women 2. She likes black men. Now you just have to find the attraction, but the problems of race/preference, won't show up, because you see they already accept what you have.

And that is where we found the most success. One woman I was with, took one for the team with a white guy.... That almost ended us. On the flip side, constantly going to events and parties, and hearing "no, no, no, no, no, no, no", almost ended us as well. Well that and we'd make plans with couples on here, then days before, she'd cancel. I imagine she was getting ready to take one and wouldn't say so until it was too late.

So COMMUNICATE.. Don't get him all hard up like you want to do something, knowing you don't. It will come out and it will be a problem. If you know what you want, don't accept less out of fear. No one is going to enjoy that. Especially you. Maybe go through profiles together. Or have him select only couples with black men to show you. Again... Small sample size, but we are a niche group to be honest..

Also, I didn't look to see what city you're in.. But that could be an issue too. I know in the DC area, you would have nooooooooooooo problem finding interracial couples. Other places.... ehhhhhhh

My wife and I take one for the team all the time. Why, just this past weekend she sucked off three or four guys in a row just because she knows that turns me on. And it was awesome.

Of course, I’d do the same for her (well, I won’t suck a dick, but you get the point).

If it doesn’t work for you, it shouldn’t work for him.....and vice versa.

I don’t believe in “Taking One For The Team”.

SLO

I have been with guys I wasn't really attracted to, but I did like them, and sometimes have been pleasantly surprised. as long as I like them I'm willing to give them a try

I'm very selective/picky. I'd rather go without than go with 'meh'. My (ex)husband and I sometimes played separately because of this.

Talk to him, see what page he's on and see how you guys can navigate successfully in the future.

What sorillo said.

But also the whole taking one for the team thing kinda baffles me. If I waited until I was actively attracted to someone, I wouldn't have sex with very many people at all. Like you, I have a distinct type and since my type is based on multiple factors, I don't often run across it.

So, that's not what I look for in prospective playmates. Instead, I go for people I like that I'm curious about. Sometimes the curiosity doesn't go any farther than 'i wonder how they fuck,', sometimes it's more. And sometimes I stay curious long enough to get attracted.

Having just okay sex isn't terrible anyway, since it still checks off my Need Variety box.

very well put [ below us ] bravo .

There's nothing wrong with being picky, or selective (to use the milder term), and don't let anyone tell you different. Just be realistic about what that means.

No matter what criteria you use in order to be selective/picky, it always means that you're reducing the number of potential playmates. It's true that you'll be less likely to find playmates, but when you DO find someone who fits your criteria, you'll generally have a better chance at having a pleasurable, memorable experience. The trick is to figure out where your comfort level resides and to decide if you need to adjust it.

Sounds like you should probably have a discussion on the subject with your man to find out if he's experiencing some frustration or not. And if so, figure out the best way to balance things so that you both can enjoy the lifestyle. Frank communication is never a bad idea.

Best of luck to you both!