PIcky and selective

@GGMM

Perhaps I was not as clear or eloquent as I should have been. When I stated, in quotes, 'gotten' over it, it was in quotes for a reason. You have 'gotten' over it to the point where you would have sex with someone of the same race that assaulted you. I don't think my ex could ever get there. Again, that person who did that to you is a total piece of shit. I am sincerely sorry for what happened to you.

@Travel

Thanks for agreeing, but let's take this a little farther :)

People exclude for a variety of issues. I think we both can agree that there may be some that are racist, some that are preference. What we do not know is the percentage breakdown. I also understand that as a black person, there is a history of being rejected/discriminated from in the US. I also understand that it may be very hard to disconnect that people may exclude you from sex being different than excluding you from everything in their life. This could and should be your bias. However, why do they need to disclose their reasoning for their preferences? Why do they need to give YOU context? Am I supposed to explain why I find tall women attractive? Am I supposed to explain why I find red heads attractive? No, I am not compelled to explain why I like something, just like I am not compelled to explain why I don't like something. It's interesting when I reflect back on the last 25 years of being in the lifestyle. My penis has been VERY busy during those 25+ years. What I have learned about myself is that I am not really attracted to latin women at all. Considering that I come from South Florida, there are a TON of latin women. Considering I live in SoCal, there are a TON of latin women. Something about them turns others on, but not me. I could put it on our profile, "No latin women," and would not have to write why. I bring this up because it could be, again, why a person writes no blacks.

I think you are onto the right way to handle the situation, "Oh well" and move on. No time for anger or words." Fighting to change their mind will probably wind up with a bunch of people who are angry. The ocean is large enough to find people that are accepting. Focus on the fun, not the other shit! :)

@Erotic...

The only thing I will say, is I was agreeing with you. I would never say your wife is racist and I said that. I do understand where her trauma comes from. And being in that sexual position again, it could cause flashbacks, the same way anyone with PTSD would react.

I was only focused on that fact that WITHOUT context, it is going to come off weird to a person being excluded. When going to a page, you don't get any context. Just a message that, even if you look like Brad Pitt, and sweet as sugar, and built, and everything she describes..... but you're 4 shades darker..... don't even send a message.

Of course I'm gonna say "Oh well" and move on. No time for anger or words. But I definitely was told no based on nothing more than my skin color. There's no two ways around it. You denied me before ever meeting me based on what? My race. Not even my color.. Cause an Indian, a Latino, a mixed raced person, hell even white people can be the same color as light blacks. But it's all shades of black people they don't want... None of them... No my friend, that's deeper

Who said I've gotten over it? Not me. Because I haven't.

I was raped at 19 by someone I'd known more than half my life, one of the very few white guys I knew. Certain sex acts caused panic for years (and are still out of bounds with most people). I've pretty much avoided certain kinds of friendships ever since. It took months of going regularly to a swing club before I could have sex in private, because being around naked men in any concentration terrified me and I can only do MFMs in controlled circumstances.

Don't assume that because I didn't rule out all X guys that there wasn't an impact.

@GGMM

In all sincerity, I am sorry about what the fucking piece of shit asshole did to you. I think rape is one of the worst things a person can do to another. I am glad that you have 'gotten' over it. My ex was 14 when it happened and was a virgin. It traumatized her. I had to find out about it from her older sister and mother. We met when she was 18.

I do not think that everyone handles things exactly the same. It is her trauma and her choice in how to handle it. She is not harming anyone in how she handled it and just living her life. For that, I have no issue. She is under no obligation to spread her legs and let any man in, let alone one that can evoke a horrible experience she had.

Perhaps this analogy is a not 100%, but there are some similarities: PTSD. Not everyone who has been in a war will be traumatized, some will.

The last time I talked about race here I had to give myself a timeout for rudeness. But, hey, I had a UTI and my cranky meter was dialed up to 11. Now I just have bronchitis. Not being able to breathe without pain is way easier than not being able to pee ditto, so I'm crossing my fingers.

I was brutally raped at 19. Somehow, I never subsequently avoided sex with white men. Not even big white guys with blue eyes. Not even big white guys with blue eyes and light brown hair. There were things I avoided for years because trying to do them activated flashbacks, so it's not like the experience didn't bake in some avoidance and I suspect the mechanism was similar to someone avoiding all black men because of one experience.

I wonder about the reaction if I avoided all white men because of my experience with one. Would it sound like something that required therapy or otherwise needed to be fixed or would it elicit sympathy? No way of knowing.

As to those who specify a racial preference or anti-preference, eh. Yeah, I don't know why it's true for them, but I'm coming down on the side that ensures those people will never, ever be in my bed. It's not that I'm completely open minded or anything. There is one ethnic group that I've never ever been attracted to. It has no foundation so far as I know, but it's been universal. It doesn't appear in my profile because I haven't met every single man in that group (it's only men - women from that group are fine) and I do meet people even though, because you never know.

@TTV

I think you are taking a leap to a point that was not mentioned and tying them together.

Having sex with someone is different than interacting with someone. My ex would, albeit, a little cautiously interact with black men. She worked with them. One of my best friends was a black man. We had black neighbors. I spent 3 days a week playing basketball with guys and the group was 90% black. So the interaction was there.

Sex . . . that is different. That is either giving or receiving something personal. Your leap has everything to do with tying talking, interacting, living with having sex. That is not the same.

Now, as this is a sex site, why should you NOT be rejected. Your intentions are sex. Her intentions are sex. This is not Find a Fried site. This is find a person to exchange bodily fluids with site.

So while people may put no black,s no whites, no _____, you have no idea what drove them to write it. Assuming it was racism is as akin to your analogy about a white cop. Lumping all people who say NO (other race) as racists is a fallacy in logic. Sure there are some in there that are, but all? Nah.

@erotic

This is exactly what I was talking about.. One black men did your wife completely and utterly wrong. At no point in time, would I blame her for not wanting a black man.. Nor would I say she's a racist and hates all black men

BUT.... I would definitely feel a way, to be denied, not cause I'm disrespectful. Not cause I'm ugly. Not because I wouldn't be a great friend and we couldn't have a great time........ But because a man with a similar colored skin, did something wrong, decades ago. Now if I said I didn't want to sleep with gorgeous white women, for no other reason but a white woman cop beat my ass 25 years ago.... I'd be all sorts of prejudice, but "we aren't all the same", "you can't blame all white women for what one did to you", "get over it" and other nonsense

Because at the end of the day, all I'm doing, is grouping all white women together with the one that hurt me. And telling them to be ok with that because other people will fuck you. Well other men won't do what he did, but we didn't get that same forgiveness right?

And that's why it hits people hard to hear it. Right or wrong.. It will never be an easy going thing to hear something like that about everyone who looks like you

@Squirts... That was beyond funny for some reason.. "Won't have sex with their own race" had me dying.. Not because I'm personally attacking anyone. But yes, it's been weird to me since Jenny Jones would have those women on saying they HATED their own race of men.. Like how bad was your life that made you turn against the people that look exactly like you.

And I haven't got to everyone's response, but again.... If you've excluded an entire race of people, you're a little suspect. Sheer numbers alone tell me something is off. NOBODY is going to sit here and tell me, they have seen an entire race of the opposite sex (white women, black men, white men, chinese women, hispanic men, latina women, etc etc etc)

NOBODY is going to tell me, "Hey I've seen every single ____________ man/woman, and NOT ONE was attractive to me. Not a single one"

Of course you found one attractive. Ok you don't like black men... So not a single NBA, NFL, Actor, model, nobody makes you say "Oooooo that sexy?"

I either believe that lie... Or I believe what's more likely true... You have OTHER reasons why you don't want to do it. I won't say it's cause you're racist. You don't have to hate them.. But I will say, something is up, if you can't find a beauty in a person because their skin is a different color. Cause you've written them off before you can even say it's about their mind, body, spirit.. Cause you said No based on their race and nothing more

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it does"

So you say again. Ad nauseam at this point.

SLO

@Rabbit and . . .

Nope, the point was made more than once.

Libertine would be more appropriate, but not libertarian :)

Hotluvrs....

Well said.

Perhaps not.

Perhaps he meant libertine?

~Scamp

Libertarianism is NOT some Christ-like philosophy. In fact, in today’s political environment, I find it dangerous to the survival survival of our Constitution Republic, and a short step away from the precipice of that strange, ugly blend of seemingly contradictory (but not), nazi/communism. Why? Because they would refuse to resist....a sort of latter-day, “do your own thing“, “conscientious objector”, if you will, chewing their cud and waiting placidly for the new Kristallnacht.

SLO

MoT,

You are right. A person who includes information in their profile about a racial preference probably is not adding enough information for me to label them in my mind as a racist. It's doubtful that we'd ever try to meet them, because that's just not how we roll. The OP is an example of that type of couple.

On the other hand, a person that has a profile which states "Whites only" is a person whom I prefer to label as racist given the history of that phrase. I would happily defend their right to use that phrase, as long as they defend my write to call them a racist.

@MOT

What is with the fascination and repeated use of libertarian? I think you are mistaking that word's definition and applying it here.

MoT,

I might read someone's comments and profile, and draw the conclusion that they are racist. That doesn't negate my “you do you” philosophy.

Missed this, but my first thought was that if you're at a LS party, you generally have more options. Nothing saying you have to limit yourself to both halves of a couple.

As an example, there is a guy that sometimes plays with the Mrs while his Mrs is into MUCH younger men (read: not me ;-). That is fine as we have done MFMs with him or I have simply found someone else to play with while he plays with her. Some couples prefer to play separate, so that works well in this case. This way, it's a lot less likely someone has to take one for the team.

At the end of the night, it's all about both of you having a good time, and if playing separately is what it takes, why not take full advantage of the opportunities a LS party offers? We have even done same room play with different halves of couples, if playing separately is not within your comfort zone.

That's a pile of bunk. And to think you say it is borderline racist.......WHO cares? I am not stating any of our preferences here, but if we had a preference which did not include sex with another race and you called me a racist strictly for my sexual preference I say GFY.

You're correct, it IS none of our business, and it wouldn't be, were it not for the fact that she posted it in a PUBLIC FORUM, looking for opinions. If you don't want criticism, keep your private life private. I'm 100% live and let live, but if you ask my opinion, you're gonna get it. And posting in a public forum is asking EVERYONE's opinion.

Secondly, thank you to the previous poster for make my point for me... that the reason for your wife not wanting to be with black men was a mental trauma. As I said, fuck you you want and reject who you want, but the original poster's preferences are the result of something off mentally.

Y'know, a big part of why I'm in the LS is the variety, plus the added tittilation of having more than two people in the same bed. But you know what? If someone has a different outlook and has sexual criteria that are different than mine, unless we have mutually agreed to share a bed, their turn ons or turn offs are NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS. Life is a lot simpler and happier if I simply don't get all bent out of shape over the sexual choices of people who I'm not going to fuck.

So yeah, I'm not going to go around jumping to the conclusions that someone is a racist simply because they choose to focus on sex with a particular racial group or groups. I just chalk it up to people being different, and having different desires.

As you wished for comments . . .

"The whole point of swinging is sexual variety"

How do you know this? Where is this written that this is the definition that we all adhere to? Did I miss the memo that went out?

I think you are correct, that everyone has their preference. I don't see how it is racist at all though. I see it strictly as a preference. For me, the line of racism excludes persons of other races from being in your life. Being a racist means you do not want to be around then, involved with them, promote them, listen to them, sell to them, etc. Just because you don't want to fuck someone because of their race does not check all those boxes.

I mentioned this before, but if my ex-wife and I were in the lifestyle, I feel quite confident in stating our profile would say no black men. Why? Because when my ex-wife was 14 she was raped by a black man and it created a very deep emotional scar that took a LOT of counseling to try and bury. Asking to just forget it would be insensitive. Asking to fuck a black man would also be insensitive. Her reasons are not racist. Her reasons are valid for her.

So let people fuck who will let them fuck them. Whatever the reason to include or exclude is correct to them and that is all that matters. These are generally third party people to you (generic reader you) and judging them? Why? Did they exclude you? Do you go to the store and judge people by what brands they buy? Sounds absurd doesn't it. Just like judging people you don't know and making assumptions about their reasons why is even more absurd.

Of course, and it should go without saying, don't EVER have sex with someone you don't want to. Whatever your reason, you should never have to do this.

NOW, probably something I'll take a ton of flack for, but here it goes... I DO NOT understand people who refuse to date/fuck outside of their race... it's weird and borders on racist. What's ever WEIRDER???? Refusing to date/fuck your own race. Seriously, WTF? I know everyone has their preferences, their ideal, but come on. I'm not going to get psychological on you here, but it sounds like you have something going on mentally. I don't mean that to sound crass, I mean it honestly. The whole point of swinging is sexual variety, to be able to fuck people DIFFERENT than your mate. I find beauty/attraction in women of all races, ages, sizes, etc. If you only want dudes LIKE your husband, just fuck your husband! Now, I welcome all the comments that I'm judgmental, insensitive, blah :D

Be picky, be selective ! Do what is pleasurable to you and what is fun.