So what is wrong with me?

Practice by having sex with your wife while others are around.

Cialis and viagra have side effects. Get teemix.

Well said.

ionsawmill - Sorry, I assumed incorrectly that one of your last comments was pointed at a prior post of mine. Good point about the Telehealth though. It's not the sort of thing where they need to do things physically (AFAIK) like they would for a physical, so Telehealth would be the way to go. That is, unless it was a female therapist that wanted me to fuck her sans Viagra to test a hypothesis ;-)

I am not opposed to therapy/counseling. Many years ago the Mrs and I felt we needed marriage counseling. We went for a couple sessions and the guy said, you guys are fine and you don't need me anymore. Seems a large part of that was just to make sure we were hearing and understanding each other.

I do love to know how things work and why, so therapy falls under that. I am not so fixed in my understanding of anything that I won't at least listen to and evaluate alternative ideas/opinions, but I think that's a rare trait these days and getting even more so.

"First there is the expense (time/money) of finding a good therapist, then scheduling and making time for the sessions, then driving back and forth. Then when I get there I'll be asking, "Hey, why don't I get a boner when I try to fuck women other than my wife?"

Psychology Today has a search feature where you can filter by "sex positive and kink friendly" and even pick the gender of your therapist. Also, telehealth therapy sessions are pretty easy to find these days. You don't have to drive anywhere. You can have therapy sessions on your phone using Zoom.

The people who work the hardest to come up with reasons not to use therapy are often the people who need it most.

@Ion

"If Viagra was going to fix the problem, the Cialis would have already fixed it. It's anxiety, not ED."

Possibly. If you look into what Viagra and Cialis do, they basically take the flight or fight response away from your dick. ED does not have to be physical, it can be mental and those two drugs handle a lot of the psychological aspect.

I have personally thought of bi/tri mix for very specific situations. My body is interesting in that if it feels it is overheating, I can lose an erection easily. I need to cool off. So there is no SWEATY hot sex for me. For those times, I would like to use a drug to overcome the physical issue. Yes, I think it is physical not mental :)

"Then when I get there I'll be asking, "Hey, why don't I get a boner when I try to fuck women other than my wife?"

I'm not currently in therapy, but I've thought about starting, and one thing I'd look for in a therapist is that they'd be sex positive. I'd also be upfront about the fact that my wife and I are nonmonogamous.

I wasn't responding to you, I was responding to OP. OP can't take Viagra. He's already on Cialis, and they're basically the same drug. Plus he specifically said Viagra gave him bad headaches. That's not conducive to fun sexy time.

If Viagra was going to fix the problem, the Cialis would have already fixed it. It's anxiety, not ED.

ionsawmill - "Try talking to a therapist."

On the surface that seems like a reasonable thing, but can't help but wonder if you thought that one through. First there is the expense (time/money) of finding a good therapist, then scheduling and making time for the sessions, then driving back and forth. Then when I get there I'll be asking, "Hey, why don't I get a boner when I try to fuck women other than my wife?" ;-)

Seriously, Viagra is cheap and it does not bother me to take it for the 1 or 2 times a week we play with others. If you could take something and be a rock star for less than $0.50 a dose, would you, or would you spend time and money trying to figure why you need to spend $0.50 to be a rock star?

If you’re getting boners with the missus, but not play partners, it’s not physiological, it’s psychological.

Try talking to a therapist. Or maybe just go into it knowing you’re going to use your hands, your mouth, and your brain to make her come, instead of relying on your cock. Get a strap-on. I’ve used a strap-on with my wife when I’ve already come and I’m still in my refractory phase. You may find that taking the pressure off the little soldier might cure his shell-shock.

50 mg. It's more cost effective to get 100 mg pills and cut them in half than it is to get 50 mg pills. They come designed to be broken in half (indented in middle).

How many mg is your "half a pill"?

This weekend I got an unintended lesson on the importance of Viagra (for me at least) at LS parties.

For our Halloween party Sat, I thought I took my half a pill and didn't. The first lady I played with went for an hour, with much of that time spent by her trying to (unsuccessfully) get me hard. The rest of that time was me using my mouth and fingers to get her off as best as I could. She claimed I was very successfull, but I couldn't help think she was just trying to make me feel better. Right after her I took another half of Viagra and was able to get and stay hard.

The morning after the party the Mrs says to me, "BTW - There is a half a Viagra on the kitchen counter." It wasn't till then that I realized I had not taken it the first time like I thought.

I have never yet had an issue getting and staying hard when playing with the Mrs, so I knw I have no physical issue. Granted, the Mrs and I do not use condoms when we play, but with that 1st lady at the party Sat, I never got hard enough to even get a condom on, much less put it to use.

From our second ever LS encounter till now I have always taken Viagra as cheap insurance that everyone I play with gets a "hard time", so to speak. I am WELL past a point of feeling any anxiety or nervousness about being naked and/or playing in the open around others.

Up until this weekend, I thought that Viagra was only a mental crutch that assured me I'd have no issues getting and staying hard, but Sat proved it is a bit more than just "mental". I did the same thing (thought I took a pill and didn't) years ago with similar results and just chalked it up to an off night.

As mentioned, after taking what I thought was the second half of a Viagra I wound up playing just fine with another lady, but wound up doing so right in front of the first lady I played with. I felt so bad I went back and did a successfull repeat performance with lady #1 and assured her it was MY problem and not hers.

So the takeaway is that you do not have to have an issue with anxiety/nerves to have performance issues, and Viagra, at least in my case, overcomes whatever the hell is preventing me from getting and/or staying hard in LS party situations.

Be careful with anxiety meds.
I would only take them if it was so bad I couldn't go to work or leave the house.
They are easily abused by greedy doctors and greedy pharmaceutical companies. Next thing you know the pill they gave you for anxiety caused you to not get an erection, ever. This causes more anxiety so they give two meds and now you pee yourself. They give you a pill to stop the peeing and three meds for the anxiety. Now you can't walk, which gives you anxiety...

I just started sucking cock and that fills my sexual desires quite well...well toss in some sexy female things as well..

I would also suggest talking to your doctor about anxiety. You don't have to mention sex even. But I had some undiagnosed anxiety about other things in life about 18 months ago. My doctor put me on a very low dose of Citalopram. While performance issues can be a side effect of the medication, I had the opposite issue. The only downside is it really needs to be taken daily to he effective.

Another thing I just thought of, you mentioned trying cialis and viagra.
They don't work the same way.
Viagra prevents you from losing the erection after you get the erection. It won't give you an erection.
If you take the viagra before sex, then have your wife suck your cock when everyone is ready to get started, the sucking will give you the erection and the viagra will maintain it.
You can even have your wife suck you in private as you might have a type of stage fright.

One problem here is you may not even really feel nervous. I'm convinced that some amount of this is unconscious. It can just take time to wrap your head around the idea that all of this is OK, and as far as I can tell, it's just something that comes from experience. Getting a few good experiences under your belt can definitely help, but is likely something that is just going to take a little time.

So long as the concept of swapping/swinging is still appealing, I'd say just keep on trying. I can still remember my first tme swapping and things didn't work for me either, and I didn't really think I was nervous at the time.

Humans have survival instincts just like animals.
If you are scared, nervous, etc. Your body shuts down everything that you do not need for running away or defending yourself. The erection is always the first thing to go.
You need to try different things untill you find what is triggering you , then avoid that thing.
Relax, you are normal.
but the more you try to fight it, to force yourself to do it, get upset over it happening, the more it will happen.
You are no different then the guy with the back injury that can do it lying on his back.
What does he do?
He doesn't fuck on his back.
Problem solved

"Erections are 95% mental. You need to find what the issues are that block you mentally. You can either work to overcome them or not put yourself in a position where that happens."

QFT - Confidence breeds confidence. Doubt breeds doubt. Stay focused on her, not on distractions.

I have been in the lifestyle since the early 90s. I started in my 20s. What have I learned about myself and my dick then? I am not an exhibitionist. I am easily distracted by other things. I also do not do well in heat.

My wife is an exhibitionist and has no problems putting on a show. One night, we were in Atlanta at a club. It was a weird layout as there was a bar and seating area and the private rooms where basically there as well on one side of the area. They had solid side and back walls, but they used a curtain for the entry. We wound up going into the room with a SF. The SF was on all fours, facing the back wall. My back was to the curtain. We were going at it. Somehow, the curtain opened. I didn't notice it immediately. I then happened to notice the difference in lighting and turned my head around a little to look and saw that the curtain was opened. My dick said, "Nope, we are done."

My wife is tall and animated. She is not a dead fish. We used to do four on a bed. I found myself not being able to perform because I was spending more time trying to not get punched or kicked by my wife. So we went to separate beds in the same room. Ok, that was a little better, but it was still so fucking distracting. I found myself paying more attention to my wife and her lover than the woman I was with. Do I cum before he does? Do I go at my own pace and if it is 10 minutes after him, well, fuck, are they watching . . . all that shit would get in my head. I do not have the ability to block out the rest of the world while focusing on the woman.

We went to separate rooms. Ahhh . . . so much better. There are still times where it is the 'cum' timing issue. We have been with couples where the other guy will cum in 6 minutes. I feel sorry for my wife and I feel sorry for the woman I am with. I really like to be in the ~45 minute timeframe with a woman. What do I do? Do I cum in 10 minutes? Do I worry if they are going to come and visit and watch? What do I do? That gets in my head.

We have done separate play. Ok, that is by far the best. No time pressures. No concerns about what she is doing. No issues at all. The last time I did that, it was at a hotel, the woman and I played, I came. We went down to the restaurant, had a light dinner and came back up. I came again. We took a break and talked for 30 minutes and boom, third round and I came again.

I mentioned heat. I was raised by my mother. I have all the mannerisms that guys are 'supposed' to have. I put the toilet seat down. I open doors, etc. I will NOT sweat on a woman. I think it is inconsiderate to be going to town on her and then start pouring sweat on her. So if I get too warm, I will tell them. I will pull out, cool off and then we can restart. This is why I am not the best person to find in Palm Springs during the summer :)

Erections are 95% mental. You need to find what the issues are that block you mentally. You can either work to overcome them or not put yourself in a position where that happens.

Headaches with Viagra alone are a somewhat common side effect, but if you're already taking Cialis, I wouldn't think you'd even need Viagra.

Headaches are a known risk of mixing Viagra and Cialis. I used to get headaches from viagra if mixed with alcohol but reducing the dosage helped.

For the new couples we have played with, the vast majority prefer (or require) same room play. I think it's mostly for security's sake, but what you (hopefully) are finding out is that LS people can be some of the nicest people you will ever meet. Considering what it is that we do, you kind of have to be ;-)

Anyway, we ran into this one newbie couple once that did separate room play. I asked them about it and they said that they were "working up to same room play". It was unusual, but actually made a lot of sense. The guy said that he was distracted and could not perform in the same room as his wife but had no problems 1 on 1.

It does of course take a bit of trust to let the very person on the planet most dear to you be alone in a room with another guy, but when you get back together and have sex afterwards and swap stories, it is likely to be some of the hottest sex for you ever.

It goes without saying that you will have to have a good rapport with the couples you play with, but that is generally going to be the case if play time is on the table anyway. You just need to make sure everyone is aware of each others limits/boundaries, and usually you are going to be within earshot of each other anyway (i.e. close by rooms).

We have found a number of guys unable to perform if there is another guy in the room. Maybe that is the issue for you. Do separate rooms and see how it goes.

We know several who just cannot handle being watched. One on one is not an issue, but as soon as it feels like there is an audience then they cannot perform.