Fair for both partners

Aside from "what a mess" ?

Overall, I am not surprised a couple open to both mfm and ffm are going to have more opportunity for the former. However, there are some deeper red flaggy issues going on here it seems.

The idea she is just banging another dude 1 on 1, and you are considering that a threeesome is just weird. That she gets defensive when you want to walk about the equity of the arrangement is also not a great sign.

If I were in your shoes, I'd seriously be considering a coming to Jesus discussion. Not addressing a lack of fairness or apprehension you are having will blow up in your face eventually.

For instance, there was a point where my wife and I experiemented with solo play. She did not like it one bit, and asked me not to do it anymore. No problem, I cut that type of play out. She is more important than a little fun on the side.

OP - you stated that she didn't include you in the play, but there is no reason that you have to wait for an invitation.
You could have joined in at any time but instead it sounds like you were waiting for her to specifically invite you.

Unless the two of you actually decided ahead of time that she would "tag" you in, then you could have and should have joined in at any time.

Sounds like your bond or lack there of is missing the major component of trust and connection. I would fix that before adding any other .

The OP has a lot of communicating to do with his wife. Something is way off imo.

@Coup

" If I talk to her about it she gets very defensive so I try to leave alone ."

In this lifestyle that would be a red flag! If you can't honestly communicate your feelings your adventures in the lifestyle will be short lived, not to mention the potential damage it may do to your marriage. As many have said - COMMUNICATION - is key!

Once again his OP response to ME in an IM: I think you did not read the post correctly, I the male does not like to sit on the sidelines and have made that very clear. So these were rules we set up but were not followed. At what point do I come in.
Im all about fair play for both. I know a lot of women like to respond, this is kind of the way it is because their husband would rather watch. But that is not all men out here

YES WE DID COMMUNICATE KEY TO ALL FROM A 30 YEAR VETERAN COUPLE.. seen it all and still active !

We do wish you luck in YOUR journey!

You have gotten solid advice all the way around. So, maybe you went to meet a single male with radically different expectations or perhaps she could have just been overwhelmed. In either case, be sure to have a fun conversation about what you both would want a threesome to look like. Don't necessarily script it, but talk through what positions you want to do and how you want to initiate play. I mentioned her being overwhelmed because if it is a new experience and the single male is thinking just one on one or is unsure or how to include others then it could result in you being left out. Keep in mind most singles watch porn where the husband just sits and watches and they assume that's how it always works. This is why you always have a discussion together with the sm before play begins. Get your expectations and boundaries out there and both of you should be able to parrot what the other is thinking. Then find out what 3some positions the sm is comfortable with and if he isn't a good fit then move on. Again, communication is key in having a great experience.

Thoughts? Well. Ms. Molly has covered most of mine. That said, sounds like the two of you need counseling first and lifestyle second. Take 10 steps back and take your relationship back to the basics. If you don’t, your next post will be about separation.

@GGMM - "sometimes swinging is asymmetric, you need to be a solid unit, with honest, respectful communication about your individual and collective needs"

Quoted. For. Truth.

Well said!!!!

"If I talk to her about it she gets very defensive so I try to leave alone . And the MFM meets were just a one on one . When I mention that she said I will try to make sure you are included in the next one. "

I'm going to take these three out of order. First, an MFM is not one on one. Second, having your wife say she'll try to make sure you are included in the next one made my red flag antennae quiver. There is no barrier to your joining your wife in her adventures other than your wife. So, the notion that she'd make an attempt to include you suggests the two of you need to dig into your very different ideas of what swinging is, focusing on where the inclusion actually comes in, which is with either the single or the other couple. They get included in your sex life as a couple, not you into your wife and random guy's.

As far as your wife getting defensive, until you two work this out with some deep communication, you need to stop having sex outside of your marriage. Because, fairness aside (you aren't toddlers and sometimes swinging is asymmetric), you need to be a solid unit, with honest, respectful communication about your individual and collective needs.

Your never going to connect with as many SF as you do SM. Definitely easier to find a couple you have connected with in the past and ask if they would be willing to play more as a threesome and possibly have the husband watch or take turns. Some guys love that fantasy to sit back and watch. I personally found that after an ex I dated told me that she wanted to try MFM before she allowed me be with another woman turned me on so much that that’s my preference of play now even with my current GF who is fairly new to the LS. We are all involved and not just MF play and there is something about making her the center of attention that drives my crazy, so hot!

EXACTLY, Funly! Sounds rather one-sided!!!

Yeah, there is a reason why single females are referred to as "unicorns."

Have you considered trying to meet up with couples and trading off mfm and fmf within that scenario?

The reality of any couple connecting with singles is that it is 100 to 1 times easier to connect with a SM than with a SF. If you are expecting a MFM and then a FFM as always alternating adventures, you will probably not be playing very often.

I should also point out, this is not a "tit for tat" game. Both of you should enjoy what both of you are doing, not keeping a score on who got more out of any given adventure.

Well put Ron and Kathy

Open communication is the only way

Communication is always the key... if BOTH of you dont make your wishes know and BOTH allow it to happen.. well shame on you!

Thats what makes successful swingers and she must be party of all decisions equally. Talk openly about it!

How is a mfm one on one?

We are a couple that has been together for about 8 years and joined this site about 5 years ago with no experience. We have been with about 6 different couples over the years and had some fun times. After several years in the LS we both agreed to try MFM and FFM threesomes. So we have had 4 MFM meets and no FFM and just trying to figure out what makes sense. If I talk to her about it she gets very defensive so I try to leave alone . And the MFM meets were just a one on one .
When I mention that she said I will try to make sure you are included in the next one.
I am wanting to stick to our agreement and have a few FFM to see how it goes as she is bi-friendly
Any Thoughts