Want to send us a message? You re in the moment—the music is sexy, the lighting is perfect, and your partner is ready. But suddenly… nothing happens. Your mind races, and the pressure builds. Sound familiar? You’re not alone!In this episode of Swinger University, Ed and Phoebe dive deep into performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction (ED) in the swinging lifestyle. We discuss the psychological and physiological causes of ED, the pressure to perform, and how new situations, alcohol, and sensory overload can contribute.More importantly, we share real solutions—from mindset shifts and relaxation techniques to pharmaceutical options and lifestyle changes—to help you stay confident and present in the moment. Whether you re new to swinging or a seasoned pro, this episode is packed with practical tips to overcome ED and enhance your playtime experience.🔹 Why does performance anxiety happen?🔹 The impact of stress, alcohol, and new experiences🔹 How to shift your mindset and stay present🔹 Tips for handling ED gracefully in the moment🔹 Viagra, Cialis, Trimix, and natural alternatives🔹 Communication and consent: How to set the stage for success Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
We have to talk about something we've been genuinely excited about for months, and our patrons actually got a preview of this already. Jamaica! Yes, we are going back, and actually, we have a great offer for you guys. Yeah, it's Swingcation. It's October 11th through the 18th at Hedonism 2. And if you don't know what Swingcation is, it's pretty easy. Swinger plus kink plus vacation. It's a hosted group with real structure, workshops, lectures, real conversations with experts who are passionate about bringing and bridging that gap between the swinger world and the kink world.
And we're not just going as attendees. We're going as featured presenters, which is exciting. We'll be leading sessions. So if you come, we actually get to hang out with you. Which brings up something we should mention. When you use our code, yes, we got a code, you're not just getting a discount. You're getting the signature swing experience, which means $100 off per person, up to $200 per room, but it also means that we make time for you. An exclusive breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, or one-hour and one time with us directly, plus more surprise benefits.
Here's something that's really unique. You could actually contribute by hosting a discussion or running a Skillshare. I know it's scary, but if you have something that you want to contribute, that's a big part of why this event is so special. Everyone there has something to bring to the table. All right, details. If you book before April 25th, you save $400. Plus, they gave us that special code that gets you an additional $200, and the special code is SWINGERU-VIP. So book through TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinky. That's T-I-C-K-E-T, the number four, play.com forward slash S-W-I-N-K-Y.
And use our code at checkout. And you guys, if you have any questions about the event, the resort, or what to expect, just reach out. I mean, we're here for you. We're happy to help. So once again, TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinky, the code SwingerU-VIP. We really want to see you there. You're in the moment. The music is sexy. The lighting is perfect, and your partner is giving you the green light. But suddenly, nothing. Your body isn't cooperating, your mind is racing, and the more you try, the worse it gets. Sound familiar? You are not alone. Welcome to Swinger University. I'm Ed.
And I'm Phoebe. And today we're going to be talking about, if you haven't guessed, performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction. It's funny, we were thinking about this when we were writing this outline and realized we'd never really talked about ED. I know, I had to go through all of our published episodes and make sure we didn't cover this. We've covered it in other episodes, but never a dedicated episode. A little bit here and there. Yes. And what spurred this outline was a conversation with some other lifestyle promoters. So thank you for that, for reaching out and for your questions.
Are we doing story time now? We're doing story time now. Okay. So when we first got into the lifestyle, I actually struggled with ED. It was really distracting.
There was so much stuff going on in the room and it was hard being present, like being in the moment and, you know, having that one-on-one kind of interface with this new person who I'd never had sex with before never you know had that experience of all of this stuff going on at the same time and it was it was frustrating yeah I can imagine it was overwhelming I was overwhelmed when we first started because of all the stimulus all all the newness. There are things that you're not used to doing. There are things that you're told you shouldn't be doing.
We're just not educated this way or socialized in this way. And for something that feels so normal and natural, it's a bit of a mind twist when you're in the moment. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So let's jump into that email that we got. We had a listener reach out to us and wrote to us about something different. We dug into it a little bit and we kind of narrowed it down, but they were asking about what do you call a dynamic where the woman is full swap, but the man is only soft swap? Like, what do you call that couple? And we were like, well, what do you really mean by that?
Like, how did you get to that place? And so we asked more questions. We really dug into it, come to find out that he was struggling with some ED issues. And side benefit, he really likes oral too. And so he actually just really likes soft swap, which we can totally appreciate. I totally get that. Absolutely. But the underlying issue, the reason why that even became the thing in his mind was he was having erection issues. So let's dig into that. Let's talk about some of that stuff.
There's a stigma around ED and a lot of anxiety and swinging, but not a whole lot of people talk about it or people talk about it, but it's usually in a really negative way. I've heard lots of stories about women who were like, yeah, it was great until we got into the bedroom and then my partner couldn't get it up, but my husband was going to town on the other wife and they were having a great time and I was sitting over here waiting for something to happen, right? That story is really, really common.
The reality is this happens a lot with men and interestingly enough, performance anxiety, it's not gender-specific, so you can have anxiety, in other words, feeling anxious about how well you're going to do in the bedroom as a woman, too. I mean, am I going to do the right things? Is he going to like what I'm going to do? Do I look good? Does this lingerie make me look sexy? All of that is performance-related anxiety. You're overthinking what this experience is going to be like, what it's going to be about. Other factors that play into ED issues, I guess.
I hate saying it's an issue, but it is an issue, and I don't mean that in a negative way, but a factor, if you will, alcohol, as we all know, job stress or any kind of stress, relationship issues, which is a stressor. Depression can also contribute to ED. Interestingly enough, I was doing a little bit of digging into this and the peer-reviewed papers about ED really narrow down those issues that you were talking about or contributing factors to ED really only account for about 25% of the problems that can happen with ED. So those things I just talked about only account for 25%. Correct.
Then what's the rest? Well, roughly 75% of men, the cause is actually much more complex. And what's interesting is about 30% of the people, the men who go to see their doctor about ED, find out that this actually happens to be cardiovascular disease. So it's interesting, but ED is really more of a side effect of other medical physiological things that are going on in a man's body. Typically, more often than not, there's something else going on. It's not psychological, which is good.
That means that if you are suffering from ED, there's a medical intervention, not just pharmaceutical intervention, but something that can be done probably to help you with those issues. Psychological factors are also included. And there are things like we had said with the job stress and others that kind of, like you said, get into your head and cause problems with you being able to focus or be in the moment. Right. Some of the other factors are performance anxiety, right? Yeah. Yeah. And that's, that's what we were talking about in terms of like, am I doing it the right way?
Does she like it? Is my partner okay? And I think a lot of the factors when we first started for me were those psychological factors of being concerned about you, your safety, what was going on and all the overwhelming stimulus. And it was until I got comfortable, it didn't help. Those things all contributed to my issues that I was having.
And we'll get into some tips later, if you stick around, in terms of how you get past some of those psychological barriers and issues that can happen when you're in a swinging situation so why do performance anxiety issues happen mental pressure for sure fear of judgment which you touched on comparing yourself to others in a room which happens a lot whether you're just with another couple you know two two and two the four of you or maybe five um or or more um it doesn't really matter you're just comparing and and that like I said that comes up often right and then that need to perform right as as, you obviously can speak to this more so than I can, but it is my assumption and what I've heard, especially with other cultures, that that need to perform is ingrained in men.
And it's a social thing that you just, you learn, you grow up, it's an expectation that that's your job. You need to make the one happy. You have to be the super stud, the alpha male, right? You've got to perform. You've got to go pollinate the whole field. Another contributing factor is new situations. First-time jitters, group play nerves, and once again, that performance in front of others. If you've never done this before, if you've never been in that situation before, it gets in your head. You're thinking about it a lot. Am I going to do the right things? I've never done this before.
It's like your first day on the job. I'm going to screw up. And that can really mess with your head. So you got to get out of there. And remind me later, I have a tip for what you could do in those new situations, especially for performance in front of others.
Yeah alcohol and drugs that plays a large part definitely a lot of swingers will use that to relax it's a so it's a social lubricant right a lot of vanilla people use it as a social lubricant you're single you go to a bar you're looking for a date or one night stand or something it's a social lubricant it's part of our fabric of being social so it just by its nature is part of swinging right and that wreaks havoc on your performance yeah so you you have a cocktail to try and reduce your inhibition so that like new situation problem and that mental pressure gets alleviated.
And then the next thing you know, the alcohol, which was supposed to help you, ends up hurting you and causing some ED issues for you. So a little bit goes a long way and everything in moderation once again. Don't overuse it. Otherwise, it's going to be part of the problem. Okay, can we talk about October for a second? Oh my God, yeah. I've been waiting for this. We were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six-star crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples. And it sails from Montreal to Boston during the peak foliage season. I'm super excited.
And honestly, I'm really nervous. Yeah, it's kind of a version of like a swinger TED talk that we're going to have to do. Oh my know and more importantly if you know the brand it's llv luxury lifestyle vacations you may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats this ship the crystal symphony is classy butler service for every single room michelin rated restaurants full spa clothing optional I don't know.
symphony is classy butler service for every single room michelin rated restaurants full spa clothing optional sensual playrooms like everything theme nights and international dj so it's luxury and nudity oh man this is gonna be great the bottom line is we want you there with us. It's 310 couples and like all their vacations, they book up fast. They really do. Their vacations are extremely popular. So please come with us. And in order to find it, all you have to do is go to our swingerlinks.com and look for the LLV Sensual Voyage. We hope you'll join us. The next issue really affects me.
I know it affects men as well, but it's that sensory overload. Right. It's just way too much stimulation. You've got new sounds. You've got all the the visual stimulation you've got new smells and all these sensations additional hands touching you while you're doing some yeah an intimate act that you used to only have with your with your significant other and now all of a sudden more hands and you're like whoa it's cool but it's also overwhelming yeah so yeah for sure and lastly relationship dynamics so maybe there was a disagreement beforehand maybe there was no disagreement.
Maybe you just are worried about your partner in that moment. And are they doing okay? Are they having a good time? It can be something as simple as, she's having a lot of fun. But now you've taken your attention off of what you're doing and just admiring what your partner's doing is enough to pull you out. So that's one of the reasons why we've talked about separate room play and why that might be an advantage for some people is you don't have that external distraction going on. Right. You can focus on what you're doing and it may help, it may not.
It also introduces other relationship dynamics, which is, what is my partner doing? I can't see them. So it's not necessarily a solution. It could also be a contributing factor. So you may have to experiment a little bit to see how this is going to go. Yeah. and you're going to falter and you're going to screw things up, but you don't know what you don't know. And the key is having that communication and that honesty and being able to be real with one another and express how you feel and have it being received with an open heart and working through it because you are a team.
This is a team sport. Right. I talked a little bit about my ED experience. It was interesting and kind of shocking when it happened to me the first time. And it has happened to me multiple times. It happens occasionally. And I've learned to navigate how to get out of my head with it. And I don't let it get to me because I have enough positive experiences where I know it's, it's not me. It's just my brain.
But I, I remember those, those early situations being pretty traumatic and a little disconcerting like what do I do at this point and it wasn't until I did a little bit of research about it and really figured out what was going on that I was able to kind of help with that Viagra does help Cialis can help And for me, uh, Viagra did help for me in certain situations. And I do use it occasionally to help. So there is that option. We'll talk more about pharmaceuticals and some other interventions a little bit later in the episode, including some other ones and their risks.
I wanted to talk a little bit more about your experience in the beginning. I remember, I do remember you being quite shocked because this was something very new that was happening to you. And you were wondering what the heck changed and why right and I also remember that the Viagra or Cialis whichever one you were you switched back and forth one worked better for you was a a nice way to to I guess re rebuild the confidence because when it happens to you mentally, you're like, what the actual heck is going on?
Now it starts to wear with your, wear on your, your confidence and your, your ability. And now it's this thing in the back of your mind, right? This is what Ed was telling me. Right. So that the drug gets you over the hump and you may not always need it but it gives you that confidence till you can get through that situation and and go oh been here before i know what it was i can readjust right and off we go so it it's kind of like a crutch. A little booster. Yeah, kind of like training wheels for me. And I also wondered how much of it for me was a little bit of a placebo effect.
In other words, taking the pill got my brain kind of reorganized to go, I have, I have a superpower and nobody else knows it. And so therefore, you know, I'm, I'm secretly bulletproof. It, it had to have had an effect. It's interesting. We've done a lot of research on different drugs and their interactions with people and the placebo effect isn't something to ignore. In a lot of clinical drug trials, they've found that the placebo ranks right up there better than some of the drugs that they're testing, which is crazy. That whole mind over matter thing. It's insane.
Like 40% from what I remember from the studies that we've read. Yeah. So it may not actually be the pill, although I know for a fact that there are physiological effects when I take Viagra. Me too. I can feel it. There's things going on. And we'll talk about the side effects when we get down to that section because there are those too. So let's get into that. Let's talk about overcoming performance anxiety. What does that look like? How do you do it?
Well, we've talked about it a bunch of times and we've talked to other people about it as kind of getting out of your head, reframing your mindset. And some of it is don't think about it. And that's the hard part, right? It's like, think about anything but the color red. And now you can't think of anything but the color red. It's in your head. You can't get it out. And that's the one thing that your brain keeps going back to. So part of this is an overall reframing of your mentality. And that's that this whole thing is an experience. It's not a goal. It's not a performance.
This isn't a stage performance. You're not an actor.
And if anything, you could kind of think of it it as a dress rehearsal you're just there to have a good time and have fun so don't worry about it going this is the oscar performance if i don't nail this then we're done and it'll never be good again it's going to be fine you got to get out of that get that out of your mind that this is a one-time thing this is supposed to be something fun that everybody's enjoying so think of it that way not i have to perform but what about those people that want to make a good impression because first impressions right we're all conditioned that first impressions are the best impression.
I know they are not, but it's still a thing, especially in that vulnerable moment. I, I give people a lot of grace in those moments because we're, we're all coming to, to the table, so to speak, or to the bed, so to speak, with a different set of whatever happened that day. You just ran a marathon. You're exhausted. There's stress in the family or whatever. You had a fight in the car. The party's not that great. The music is annoying you. Who knows what it is? It could be everything. They let the dog in the room.
room so like there's all kinds of factors but it's um not like you said not having that that end goal I get get that you want to make a good impression but if you are with another couple that doesn't ever want to see you again because she didn't get a five-star orgasm, then maybe that's not the couple for you. Maybe they're just not the kind of people you want to hang out with. Yeah. And in our next section, we're going to talk about some things you can do to get to that five-star rating, even if your penis isn't working. So we'll talk about that.
Some of the other things that are recommended, and these are just good exercises in general, relaxation techniques. In other words, learning how to kind of control your breathing and your respiration through things like breathing exercises, mindfulness, and grounding techniques. And the mindfulness exercises, I think, are really key to this because it's being present. It's being aware of what's going on around you, but being able to kind of take it in stride and to be just in the moment and not worried about something that you can't control or something that's down the road, right?
It's just be happy doing the thing that you're doing. And if you need to do a different thing, tip, maybe that's what you should be doing now instead of, this is what I wanted to do. Well, you know, roll with it. it something happened change up your game yeah because everyone's different so what about meeting each partner's different right um that partner that you were with if you're a guy and the partner that you were with or a woman is is different than the the next part you're gonna have it the situation situation is going to change. Maybe your technique is different.
Your speed is different. I would say that mindfulness is really also slowing down, asking questions, reading the room or reading her. How's her body responding? Is she nonverbal? Did you ask her what she likes? Yeah. Which kind of plays into the whole prepping for play. So one of the things that we recommend doing is setting first realistic expectations and warming up with a lot of foreplay.
So if you're not focused on piv sex you're not focused on getting getting to that end scene you're just i'm in the moment and we're doing foreplay now and i really like this and i'm making things happen for my partner that's really good you're now once again being grounded being mindful of what's going on, and you're warming her up. And if anything, that may be plenty. Give her a half a dozen orgasms orally, she may be like, I'm done. I can't do it anymore. And you've just gotten a pass, if you will, that pressure is off now for the PIV sex.
You don't have to worry about it as much because she's already satisfied. Anything after that, bonus. So think about it that way. Right, and I like all of that that you just brought up. And I think we, I know that we are conditioned by watching porn to have an end goal. Right. to get to that finish line. And that's not what a sexual experience should always be. It doesn't have to be that. Who says it has to be that. Just because they say, I don't always need that. Here's why we sail on Virgin. It's adults only. No kids screaming at breakfast. No family buffet lines. Just champagne at noon.
Late night pool parties and people who actually want to be there. The vibe? Think boutique hotel that happens to float. Tattoo parlors, drag brunch, restaurants you'd actually pay for on land. Plus, when you're looking to connect with other couples who know how to have fun, let's just say Virgin attracts a very specific type of adventurous. No wonder Bread Cruiser's here, just your people. Yeah, every evening is different. Every partner is different and you just don't know. This isn't a porn set. There aren't a set of shots that you have to get.
You don't have to go from oral to doggy to the money shot at the end, right? It doesn't have to happen that way. It can happen that way, but it can go 150 different ways. So have fun. Just enjoy it for what it is. One of the other things that's really good about prepping for play that we really like, and we're pushing this on people. We're pushing this on our audience because we want more people to take this into account. And that is having a really sexy, hot, juicy consent conversation. Oh, yeah. Because it gets your head focused on the things that you want to do in a really sexy way.
If anything, it's preparing that mind game, that mindset, that being mindful of all of the fun activities that you're going to do and make it fun. Have fun having that consent conversation about what things you really want to do to your partner gets them in the mood, gets you in the mood and really focuses on what's going to happen. If anything, it's putting that placebo of what's going to happen in your head.
It's kind of like athletes doing their, um, their, I can't remember what it's called visualization, that mental visualization of all the things they're going to do when they step up to the plate and they're, they're prepping and doing all that stuff, or they're about to like kick off and whatever your sport is, those are not my sports, then your brain starts to go through those motions and already starts visualizing what you need to do in order for that to happen.
So before you've even done anything to work on the erection, your brain is already starting to think about it in a positive way right because it's kind of like a dream state you're thinking about the positive things that are going to happen which is great gets all the juices going starts to get it going get it going all right this is the this is the part that i think most people rely on um and i'll i i have leaned on this crutch before And I think that's what on. And I have leaned on this crutch before. It's not always a crutch.
For some people, this is a necessary thing because of physiological conditions. And that's pharmaceuticals. So we're going to talk about a couple different pharmaceuticals and some other things that you can do for physiological issues with ED. First and foremost, let's talk about Viagra and Cialis. And these are two brand names for a whole spectrum of other drugs. There's some hybrid ones. There's Roe that's on the market now, which is a little bit of Cialis and a little bit of Viagra. For the most part, these are a circulation helper. They help the blood flow, a vasodilator.
And what it does is it causes the blood vessels in your penis to work better so that the blood can flow in easier. It reduces restrictions and constrictions and things happen. Now, different ones will work differently with you. Not everybody responds well to Viagra. They have side effects. Not everyone works well with Cialis. When I tried Cialis, it did almost nothing for me. Viagra worked really well for me. I have been tempted to try Cialis again, but I haven't. One of the side effects that I've experienced with Viagra is nasal congestion.
I get really stuffy on it and sometimes i'll get a headache from it too a little bit um so and there are other side effects or worse side effects no matter what talk to your physician before you start taking any kinds of drugs don't take other people's drugs etc no just don't do it um whether it's viagra or anything else We'll be right back. of drugs. Don't take other people's drugs, et cetera. No, just don't do it. Um, whether it's Viagra or anything else.
And the other one that's come up a couple of times and this one, I'm going to put it, I want to put an extra asterisk on talk to your physician before you try it. Oh yeah. And that's Trimix. This is an injection directly into the tissues of the penis So, let not tried this. It's guaranteed. Like it's 100% guaranteed erection. And if you use it inappropriately or if you use it not as directed, you get too much of a dosage, you can cause permanent physical damage to your penis and its ability to ever get erect again. I can't stress this enough.
Do not fuck around with Trimix because you will find out. We know of another podcaster who did this. He's told the story. You can go listen to it on their podcast if you want to, or you may have heard this story. I won't go into the whole thing or say who it is because that's their story. But yeah, caused some problems and ended up with permanent damage to his penis. Anyway, we've heard other people in the lifestyle talk about Trimix. It is very effective. It does work very well.
But 100%, I would rely very much on your urologist and a prescription from them and making sure that you've got the right dosage and they recommend it for you and that there aren't other things that you could be doing. It seems to me that that's that's a step up from vi, in my mind. But don't be afraid if you see somebody using it. Usually, if people use it in the lifestyle, they'll let you know or they'll do it discreetly. In the bathroom, they usually don't just whip it out in the bedroom. This particular couple that we know of did.
It alarmed a few people because they thought it was heroin heroin or something yeah but it wasn't yes so the i think what actually happened was the room was supposed to be closed the door was supposed to be closed and someone opened it and anyway yeah all hell broke loose and syringes scare people um so yeah but i get it if don't know, you don't know. I didn't know until four or five years ago. There's some cool medications and drugs out there for people used correctly. Yeah. And like I said, it's highly effective. And if that's what your urologist recommends, absolutely.
I have heard really positive things from it for those people who actually need it. This one's a little interesting. I was skeptical at first, but I double-checked it with the National Institute of Health. There have been peer-reviewed studies, double-blind studies on this, and that is L-arginine and ginseng, it actually can help with erectile dysfunction. I was skeptical because I'm like, yeah, that whole homeopathic thing and do your own thing. And supplements just in general, we are skeptics of supplements in general.
This particular supplement seems to be effective with ED, which is kind of cool and something you might consider as a less pharmaceutical-based thing. 100%, any kind of supplement or anything you're going to put in your body, right? Make sure it's quality and from a good reputable source. There are websites where you can check who makes supplements and whether or not they've been tested, whether their supplements are safe or effective and have the ingredients that they say they have.
They won't tell you if they're effective, but they will tell you if they have the item in the pill, in the bottle, or if there's other contaminants in that supplement so that you know that you're paying for what you're getting and that there's no other harmful ingredients in there with it. Yeah. So no lead and arsenic in wood chips instead of actually what you're paying for, which is good. And I think that that's the best you can do.
And then you need to rely on things like the National Institute of Health or the Mayo Clinic or any number of other reputable peer-reviewed studies in order to find out whether it actually works. Do not rely on TikTok. that is not a thing there are no oh come on there are no researchers that specialize in tick tock reviewed uh work in the scientific community it is not a thing at all so go to a real source or an actual what about meta yeah not meta either not Meta either. Reddit either. Lifestyle changes. Yeah.
Talk a little bit about that because you and I have been going through a lot of that lifestyle change thing. Exercise, diet, sleep. These are not new concepts to you or to anybody.
they are tried and true and sound advice that carry through the test of time it helps i don't know what else to say i mean i know everyone's heard it so a lot of people when they start to get in the lifestyle tend to step that up anyway right because they feel better about themselves they're they want to naturally then look better so their exercise regime steps up which then creates weight loss or muscle or muscle gain and so that's a pleasant side effect right and sleep can be a little challenging when you're at these resorts or on a cruise or for a weekend getaway if you're having a lot of fun and you're staying up till 3 a.m.
in the morning. But when you're at home, get your sleep. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So thinking about that, diet and exercise, so eating the right things, in other words, fueling your machine properly helps with your circulation and your overall health. Exercise and diet will also help with weight reduction and weight will directly contribute to circulation problems, potential heart problems, cholesterol problems, which all cut down on circulation. So you can think about anything that you put into your body that's going to interfere with blood circulation.
That's what causes that to work, blood circulation. So if you're interfering with that, that's going to cause problems. The other thing that one of the great side effects of exercise is testosterone. So your body will start to produce more testosterone, which doesn't hurt in terms of sexual performance and erection. So it helps a lot. Diet and exercise is one of those things where there's really no downside to it. You feel better. You can perform longer. And those crazy positions, you can hold them for longer.
There's all kinds of great benefits to diet and exercise in terms of sexual performance and erectile dysfunction. And as always, please consult your physician. Right. Because even diet and exercise can have an impact if you're doing things that your doctor doesn't recommend. So yeah, absolutely. Check with your doctor all the time for all your stuff. You should be getting annual checkups. Okay. So what to do in the moment? All right. It's happened. You're there. You're in the room. You are distracted. If ED happens, what do you do? Well, you pull a little red handle on the door. No.
Handle it gracefully. How do you handle it gracefully? When I've been in those situations before, take a deep breath, look around, try to think about what's going on in the room and try to reduce those things that might be distracting you. So for example, maybe it's the bed that you're on where it's moving around too much and you need a quieter spot. So just move to the next bed. Maybe it's the way your partner's doing a particular thing and talk to them and say, Hey, could you stop kicking me in the face? I'm getting a fat lip. Yeah.
That did actually contribute to ED because there was no way anything was happening after i got kicked in the face drunkenness is bad anyway the other thing to do is to think about well that's not working what's my plan b so plan b for me often is go back to oral, go back to caressing, there's massaging, there's rubbing, there's kissing, like there's lots of other things. And I know for me personally, kissing an oral sex, not to me, but to someone else gets me excited. And I'm very focused on what I'm doing, which means if I'm focused here, I'm not thinking about here. That helps a lot for me.
And I think it's kind of hard to hear those noises going on from my partner. And it does, it kind of like realigns what's going on in my brain and I'm back in the game. Sometimes a partner's, a female partner will come in and assist and give oral to her man or her woman.
And that connection because of the bond allows the two to relax and they fall into what's normal for them and comfortable and that will work sometimes it doesn't work because you're still focused on what's not working right and i want to get back to my partner you're distracting me and and yeah yeah so to your point you're you're still focusing here even though your significant other is is who's familiar is trying to give you pleasure it's still not working because you're still focused here right which is why if you do something different it works a little better for you yeah yeah for me.
I also wonder too if things that could be distracting or could kind of throw your mind off. For example, I lay down on the bed. One woman sits on my face. The other one's playing with me down there.
If that might be enough of a mind scramble to really get get me out of the moment like could I be focused it may still be and like I think attention to your penis could still keep drawing your attention back to your penis right may or may not be helping right sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't I've I've heard from another people where it's just like i just need to like ignore him for a little bit and and i'll get back to that right another contributing factor is uh condoms to to this and i was going to say one of the things that can happen we've had this with partners where just putting the condom on is enough of a distraction to kind of throw the whole thing off.
So sometimes just ignoring him for a little bit completely is possibly the best move.
And I think the other thing that we haven't talked about yet, and that's communicating with your partner and your playmates, and maybe even just acknowledging that something's going on but you know what we're not going to worry about that right now so let me know what I can do to please you because sometimes women are like well you know what there's been this thing that I really wanted to have happen I want to try that now I want to be focused on that Or it's great that you actually mentioned that because you know what? I really want a lot more oral.
And could you just do that for a couple more hours and we'll just call it that. And the women in the lifestyle are exceptionally understanding. So I, I, I know it's not a fun thing to, to admit or bring attention to, but once you do it, it just takes all that pressure off. People have a little laugh or lightheartedness about it, or they're not laughing at you. I don't think they laugh. They just go, Oh, okay.
No okay no no worries and then you just switch up the game yeah it's it's it really is not not really that big of a deal yeah and I think absolutely there will be partners that will be miffed about the whole thing and it'll be a problem for them honestly though maybe they're not the best partners to be playing with because they have a very narrow view of what the the sexual experience is supposed to be if they're all about just the penetrative sex and they don't want to have fun any other way well you know maybe that's them maybe you just don't play with that partner again but or or so for for example what what if you have answered a uh fetlife ad that is just very dtf they don't want any conversation they just want you to show up right at five in the morning and come in and and do them and so there but but that's where the consent and the conversation is.
And there's a plan and it's almost like a, it's like a scene, right? So you know exactly what's happening. You've had time to think about it. You've had time to prepare for it. So that's different, right? Sure.
So I, I think having that you having that you you um there's a different level of preparation and you've probably done it before yeah and i was going to say if if you are experiencing any kind of ed issues on with with other partners than your primary partner um maybe stare clear of those particular scenes for a little bit um and until you've figured out what it is that's that's causing that issue um in conclusion the really good news is this is all normal guys have this problem all the time and it's normal even during a play situation where everything's working for him to We'll be the end.
There are plenty of things that you can do to work around it and the big thing and I think the thing that worked for me is more confidence and more experience in these situations helps because your brain starts to go I can do this I've done this before no problem i got it right and i think the biggest takeaway is it's a journey and it's not about the destination. So if you can get that destination, that one destination out of your mind, it takes a lot of pressure off and it's more about the experience and what's going on in the room during that play time. It's supposed to be fun.
It's not supposed to be a performance. You're not going to in the room during that play time. It's supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be a performance. You're not going for an award. So stop treating it like that. Start having fun. I'm glad we did this episode. Yeah, it's good.
We kind of talked about the elephant in the room, or at least the trunk on the elephant in the room wow well we left out all the fun good stuff at the end where we talk about please like us and follow us on our socials yeah let's talk about that please please text us email us call us we have an anonymous way on our website for you to reach out to us and leave us a voicemail message because we understand a lot of people don't want to call us from their phone because their name is attached to it. So there's plenty of opportunities for you to reach out to us. We love hearing from you.
Feel free to reach out. Ask us us a question if you want to be on the show let us know we can also always change your name and mask your voice we have technology for that so just let us know we can do that as well yeah so if you are interested reach out to us at swingerUniversity.com. Our phone number and our messaging system is all built right into that website. So absolutely check us out. And there are other really cool articles and resources on that website. So you should check out SwingerUniversity.com. Thanks, everyone. Till next time. Oh, one last thing before you go.
If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review. It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. Visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review. All the instructions are there. Thank you for being part of this community. We'll see you again soon.
