Want to send us a message? When you finally find your voice in the lifestyle, everything changes. In this episode, Ed and Phoebe explore one of the most transformational shifts couples make in ethical non-monogamy: moving from going along to keep the peace to confidently advocating for what you actually want. If you ve ever said yes when you really meant no, or felt like you were in the backseat of your own experience, this conversation is for you.Watch this episode on YouTube! What You ll Learn- Why the caretaker mentality leads to burnout and resentment in the lifestyle- The hidden costs of performing enjoyment instead of experiencing authentic pleasure- How setting boundaries actually makes you more attractive to potential play partners- A simple three-step framework for shifting from people-pleaser to confident communicator- Real-world scenarios and compassionate scripts for saying no without guilt- Why speaking up transforms not just your lifestyle experience, but your relationship dynamic Key Moments[00:00:17] - When you finally find your voice in the lifestyle, everything changes[00:02:47] - The Caretaker Trap: Why I don t want to ruin the vibe is destroying your confidence[00:07:57] - The Backseat Experience: What it costs when you re not driving[00:12:33] - The Confidence Shift: One listener s transformation story[00:16:09] - The Gender Dynamic: Women s opportunity to drive in the lifestyle[00:23:30] - The Power Framework: Three steps to finding your voice[00:32:03] - Permission-Giving Moment: You re not responsible for other people s disappointment[00:33:02] - Real-World Scenarios: How to handle common boundary-pushing situations[00:36:46] - The Transformation: From performing for others to prioritizing yourself[00:40:21] - Why the lifestyle loves boundaries (and how speaking up gives others permission)[00:43:30] - Final Thoughts: Is it about power or permission? Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
We have to talk about something we've been genuinely excited about for months, and our patrons actually got a preview of this already. Jamaica! Yes, we are going back, and actually, we have a great offer for you guys. Yeah, it's Swingcation. It's October 11th through the 18th at Hedonism 2. And if you don't know what Swingcation is, it's pretty easy. Swinger plus kink plus vacation. It's a hosted group with real structure, workshops, lectures, real conversations with experts who are passionate about bringing and bridging that gap between the swinger world and the kink world.
And we're not just going as attendees. We're going as featured presenters, which is exciting. We'll be leading sessions. So if you come, we actually get to hang out with you. Which brings up something we should mention. When you use our code, yes, we got a code, you're not just getting a discount. You're getting the signature swing experience, which means $100 off per person, up to $200 per room, but it also means that we make time for you. An exclusive breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, or one-hour and one time with us directly, plus more surprise benefits.
Here's something that's really unique. You could actually contribute by hosting a discussion or running a Skillshare. I know it's scary, but if you have something that you want to contribute, that's a big part of why this event is so special. Everyone there has something to bring to the table. All right, details. If you book before April 25th, you save $400. Plus, they gave us that special code that gets you an additional $200, and the special code is SWINGERU-VIP. So book through TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinky. That's T-I-C-K-E-T, the number four, play.com forward slash S-W-I-N-K-Y.
And use our code at checkout. And you guys, if you have any questions about the event, the resort, or what to expect, just reach out. I mean, we're here for you. We're happy to help. So once again, ticketforplay.com forward slash Swinky, the code SwingerU-VIP. We really want to see you there. Everybody has this problem.
The most common phrase that we hear all the time is is i didn't want to ruin the vibe you you did a lot of like telling the guy what you wanted and where you wanted yeah because i was tired of having shitty sex the moment someone stops performing for others and starts advocating for themselves that's when the real fun begins is speaking your truth about power or permission? Well, here's what we've learned today. When you finally find your voice, everything changes. Is speaking your truth about power or about permission?
We're exploring one of the most transformational shifts couples make, and that's why it's harder for some than others. Stick around to the end to get tips on how to find your voice. I'm Ed and I'm Phoebe. Welcome to Swinger University. We've received hundreds of messages over the years about this exact issue and not just messages. We've talked to our friends. We've talked to new people, experienced people, people who've been to all the resorts. Everybody has this problem. And that's going along with what the group wants, what their partner wants, what the other couple suggests.
The most common phrase that we hear all the time is, I didn't want to ruin the vibe. That hesitation that everyone's going through is destroying their confidence, their comfort with the lifestyle and their experience and the joy that they could be experiencing in the lifestyle. In 12 years that we've been in this lifestyle, we've watched this transformation happen again and again. And the moment someone stops performing for others and starts advocating for themselves, that's when the real fun begins. And that's when ethical non-monogamy becomes truly empowering instead of just exhausting.
Talk about the caretaker trap. dun dun many people especially women but not exclusively enter the lifestyle with that caretaker mentality right and it's that perspective of oh you know i don't want to be difficult i don't want to ruin the night and everyone else seems fine with this. So maybe I just don't get it yet. Maybe I just don't understand how it works or maybe I'm just too tired or maybe we start making all these excuses. Right. This is the classic. I don't want to be the special order person in the restaurant kind of a thing, right?
Like we do this in life in general where it feels almost antisocial to push back or to ask for something more specific. This comes from social conditioning, being agreeable, being accommodating, putting others first. Right. And when you start to have children, you do put others first, your kids. And then at some point, as they start to age and grow up and move out of the house, then that starts to shift a little bit and you start to put you first again. Although I will say, good parenting always does start with putting yourself first.
Hence, the give yourself oxygen first if the plane is going to crash. Right, right. Then you can help others because you can't help others if you're dead. So. Yeah, and I think you can let this slide mostly in vanilla life because things are kind of unimpacting in terms of you personally. Yeah, it might be an inconvenience and yeah, maybe you didn't want that special sauce on your food or whatever. But in the lifestyle, it's a recipe for burnout and resentment and being unsatisfied on a pretty consistent basis. Oh, yes. Yes, definitely. Going along actually costs.
You end up in situations you don't want to be in. Yes, been there. Right? We were part of a big group and saying no and not going along kind of felt awkward and kind of socially, I don't know what to do. So we ended up going to those after parties anyway, even though maybe we didn't want to play that night or didn't want to play with anybody in that room. Right. Part of our reason for that was we were new and we needed to make connections. In order to make connections, you have to be in the same place, right? In order to make friends, you have to go do the things that friends are doing.
So, it's challenging, right? Yeah. And we were also in a position of the fake it till you make it phase, and we thought a lot of this at the time was us just trying to get up to speed and be just comfortable in general with the lifestyle, not knowing what we're talking about today. Yes, yes. So another thing that's going along where it actually costs you is you perform enjoyment instead of really experiencing it. So, you literally are faking it. Right. A lot. And everyone thinks you're having a good time, but your partner knows, right?
We've had these exchanges where I've looked at Ed and my eyes are like, and he's like, are you okay? And I'm like, right? So this is where some of those, those, um, like cues come in. Yeah. The secret handshakes or the squeezes. Yeah.
Like i need a glass of water or i pinch his arm and he thinks that's all go and yeah we had to we had to really come up with some some um tricks for communicating to our other partner to help bail us out if we made a bad decision particularly me if i made a bad decision the third one is your partner doesn't know what you actually want because you're not saying it so that that is basically what I was saying earlier yeah and that was the tragedy that we went through very early in the lifestyle where you didn't want me to not have a good time right and so And so, you kind of went through the motions or did things that you probably weren't comfortable with at the time.
You weren't comfortable with them at the time. Yeah. Yeah. I will get to that part later. I want to go there right now, but I'll hang in there. I'll tell you where where i'm going you start to resent yourself in the lifestyle which is a point that you made a little bit earlier and really the issue is how you're showing up in it and that's the cost this is kind of the metaphor of who's driving like who's taking control of the situation. So when you're not driving, you're just along for the ride.
You're either a passenger or you're in the backseat or in the trunk and you're waiting for someone else to make all of those decisions. And it may not even be your partner. It could be somebody else in the group. You're reacting instead of initiating. And here's's some classic examples saying yes to a couple you're not attracted to because your partner seems interested and the other one is going along with a play scenario that doesn't work for you because everyone else is having fun yes oh my god that drove me nuts drove me nuts Because I felt left out and I couldn't figure it out.
I was like, why? Right. Because it wasn't your thing. That wasn't what you were into. I know. And you're in the room. Everybody's doing their thing. You kind of just go along. Yeah. Otherwise, you feel FOMO. Yeah.'s just terrible. So the surprising truth about all of this is that the lifestyle requires you to speak up. It's not, this isn't an optional thing. You have to speak up. Consent isn't just yes or no. It's yes to this and no to that. Like you have to be very clear about what you want out of an experience, not just, well, we don't do anal. Right. I know.
That's the classic consent conversation. That's the classic, yeah. And you can also say things like maybe to this other thing. So maybe we'll try this, but we're going to reserve the right to say no at any point. Right. Silence isn't consent. Silence is often fear. You're afraid to speak up. You're afraid to say what you really want. And so you just button it. Yes. It was really challenging for me to step into that position of not wanting to be in the backseat anymore and wanting to drive because I'm not a driver. I drive myself, but I love being in a supporting role in life.
I am a behind the scenes person, 100 percent of the time. It pushed me. It pushed me to to to be different in this situation. And the core question is, what are we exploring today? And how do you shift from going along to speaking up? And then what changes when you finally do speak up? When finding your voice feels scary scary saying what you want can feel selfish but it's not right and when you're not used to doing that can feel selfish if you're you know putting others first right yourself saying no can feel like you're letting someone down but you're not I had this issue a lot. Yes.
I was, this is what I was wanting to say at the beginning of the episode, which was, I felt a very big burden of being what felt like I was in charge of your happiness by what I said. If I said no, you were going to have a shitty night. If I said yes, you were going to have the time of your life. So, me being in control of that was like huge, really, really difficult to overcome. It's a lot of responsibility. It is. And because we were new in our relationship together and new to swinging, I felt like, wow, you know, this could make it or break it. Right.
So, we had a lot of discussions about this. A lot. Yes. And I think we cover what that discussion turned into later there's always this fear that you're being too demanding that people will not want to play with you because you're just you know they're too picky the truth is people do respect boundaries and people don't respect doormats. Yeah. And I think that's the thing. You speaking up shows a level of confidence. And as we've said before, confidence is very sexy. Oh, yes. Couples really like that. Speaking of confidence, that was a huge shift for me.
When I started to find my voice and stand up for myself, I became more confident. And I started saying exactly what I wanted instead of just going along. So, I set goals for each interaction. For example, one of the goals was I would use more direction during sex. So, to the left, harder more pressure less pressure less licking right slower faster whatever it might be right and when i started to do that it was amazing right i got what i wanted and the and the guy or the girl was like, oh, you want that? Oh, okay, I can do that.
And it was like, oh, you're enthusiastic about me giving you directions? So, it was this really nice feedback loop. And so, everybody got what everybody wanted. Right. Which was surprising to me. I also started more recently i would say in the last year or two years refusing a hug or kiss that i didn't want yeah that one's been trickier for you it's been trickier because it's very socially ingrained and i don't always want to hug or kiss somebody. Sometimes I put my hand out and someone goes, oh, I'm a hugger. And they like crash into me anyway.
And now I've got their smelly perfume all over me or their BO. And then like, it's all in my hair and it's on my outfit that I didn't want to have to hand wash. And like my god so it's challenging on so many respects because it's just a norm for for social vanilla life even and so i've i'm i'm learning a new script for that high neurodivergent and i don't't always like hugging, but I'm happy to give you a handshake. Easy enough. Am I confident every single time I do that? No. Am I still learning? Yes.
The other thing was trying to let someone down gently, and that was another goal, learning to be very mindful of my words and let them down gently.
Tried out little scripts on you when we were getting ready in the car, and then I also tried to be very clear and compassionate with my communication, and the result was i felt more empowered with every interaction the only challenge sometimes is when you're communicating with people later in the evening when they've been vibe and vibing on like their drug or drink of choice they um you know it's a little harder to get compliance so yeah yeah but you know it ends up working out and the most important thing is that you're learning to speak up for yourself so yes you feel better you feel like you've advocated for yourself and that's huge huge there's this gender dynamic we mentioned it earlier where we're talking about women primarily have this issue of being the caretaker and not wanting to rock the boat not be the wet blanket that kind of thing and there's really an opportunity for women to to drive this situation you use this phrase all the time women are the the gas and the brake.
And women have a massive opportunity to basically be in control of the lifestyle. And men are going to go along with it because we're happy to say yes. You're happy just to see boobies and butts and running around. All the time.
exactly things if you tell me i have to sit in a corner and and watch then you know i might be just fine doing that too um it's isn't about who's quote in charge it's about who's willing to steer where the dynamic is going so it's not like you're bossing somebody around you you're just you're leading and leaders don't have to be bossy you don't have to do it in a bad way like you said clear and compassionate you can be a clear and compassionate leader you can stand by what you what you want and kind of guide where people are going. In many vanilla relationships, men lead by default.
We were joking about trad wives the other night and how that's a thing. And in certain cultures, when we were at one of the events in Texas, we were talking with a couple for a really long time and then the hispanic community the culture is that the men are the primary instigator and the women depend on that right and they know that and so um it's it's a completely different cultural shift Yeah, yeah. And I'll even say, even in vanilla relationships, the guy asks the girl out, the guy pays for dinner, the guy opens the door, right?
Like there's these traditional social norms that have been set up. Right. And I think that has set us in that pattern so much. And the risk is it, the lifestyle is so different than that. And there's so much more involved with it. It's not just a social courtesy anymore. Yeah. In the lifestyle, that script flips around And women should be in charge because they have so much more at stake with what's going on. They have social permission to set the tone, to choose the connection, saying yes or no to potential partners, and direct play.
And most men love being told what to do in the bedroom by women. Women being able to say what they want. It's incredibly empowering, but it's also incredibly sexy. The right every time trap. Dun dun. And I kept practicing, though I didn't get this right every time um that type of perfectionism right right and it killed progress oh yeah so you're not always going to say the perfect thing and you're going to fumble and over explain and maybe even hurt someone's feelings, unfortunately, and unintentionally. But that's part of the learning curve. Right. And the goal isn't perfection.
It's practice. We'd have an intimate conversation between us. We'd go off to the side where we could hear one another and say, how are you doing? Is anyone interesting to you tonight? What are you thinking? Has your idea changed about the night? Are you willing to play or not willing to play, right? Yeah. Because a lot changes in that situation. And here's the real trick, the discomfort before you have this breakthrough. So, it's always going to be awkward before you figure it out. Finding your power feels uncomfortable. You're breaking old patterns, so you're relearning something.
You're risking conflict, even though speaking up for yourself usually avoids conflict, which is the irony of this situation. I know. And the really important thing to remember is this discomfort is temporary. It's just while you're learning. And as soon as you figure it out, as soon as you get comfortable saying it, you've built the habit. Remember, repetition repetition builds habits and then that habit becomes permanent you've learned the skill and now you can enact it anytime you need to okay can we talk about October for a second oh my god've been waiting for this.
We were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six-star crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples. And it sails from Montreal to Boston during the peak foliage season. I'm super excited. And honestly, I'm really nervous. yeah it's kind of a version of like a swinger ted talk that we're gonna have to do oh my god I know and more importantly if you know the brand it's LLV luxury lifestyle vacations you may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats. This ship, the Crystal Symphony, is classy.
Butler service for every single room, Michelin rated restaurants, full spa, clothing optional, sensual playrooms, like everything, theme nights and international DJ. So it's luxury and nudity?
man this is gonna be great the bottom line is we want you there with us it's 310 couples and like all their vacations they book up fast they really do their vacations are extremely popular so please come with us and in order to find it all you have to do is go to rswingerlinks.com and look for the llv sensual voyage we hope you'll join us the intimacy upgrade when you start speaking up your partner learns what you actually want. That guesswork disappears. Your play becomes more authentic. We had a partner that said yes to everything. Right.
Seemed like she was just trying to please him, her husband. It was really his idea and she was going along.
Yes, because you could tell through her body language and through her non-verbal communication though even though she had said yes she she was checked out she wasn't engaged in the situation and so we we started getting like i said uncomfortable with that because it just it felt like something was off yeah yeah one night we were with another couple it was funny they finally said oh we're not into that we're like oh okay well it's great thanks for letting us know thanks for letting us know and we were so relieved because we've been misreading these signals for months. Right.
And it was just refreshing to just be in the know. Right. And we just zigged instead of zag. So, we just did something different. It was easy. The beauty in that is information is key, right? They gave us information that allowed us to make a different choice and a different decision, which took us on a different path. And so, that felt much better. Exactly. Exactly. So, how do you actually do this? So, we've talked a lot about our examples of what we did, but how do you build this? How do you go from silent people pleaser to confident communicator?
Well, that's what we're going to get into next. A simple framework that makes this shift way easier than you think. Well, let's talk about what we're going to call this the power framework, because it sounds really it. It sounds cool. It does sound cool cool there are three steps to this that we're going to outline here and one of them you've kind of alluded to but we'll we'll kind of go into it in more detail here and that is get clear before you show up before any event a date a play session check in with yourself yep you ask yourself what do I actually want tonight?
What would make me feel empowered walking out of here? And what's a hard no for me right now? So, you're setting your own internal boundaries and acknowledging them. So, you got to do a introspection here. And these are those goals that I was telling you that I was set for myself. Right. For each event or interaction. Now, the key thing to remember, this isn't scripting the night. This isn't saying how it's going to happen or who you're going to sleep with or any of that. This is just setting your expectations. And this kind of goes into that whole like setting your expectations low. Right.
They're setting your expectations to what you want to happen. Yeah. What you're comfortable with. Right. And, you know, I didn't actually think about this until just now. We kept hearing, have no expectations, have no expectations. I'm like, oh, my God. OK, that sounds great. But what does that actually mean? Instead, we did this. We set our expectations for what we wanted to do based on what we wanted to achieve that night, who we wanted to talk to, who we wanted to potentially play with. We set goals for ourselves. It wasn't about not having expectations.
It was setting expectations for yourself. Yeah. And I think it has to do with setting those realistic expectations. By the way, you can also extend this and do this with your partner too. Like this isn't just a solo activity. You should have a powwow ahead of time with your partner about this so that you both have your expectations, but have yours first and then have yours. Right. You've both, everybody's got to be in alignment. Yeah. Practice the compassionate no. So this is that whole fake it till you make it or the visualization aspect of it. You can say no and still be kind.
And I would let someone down gently, as I was mentioning before. And all of this was well thought out with words that I had practiced in my head. and I could still use that to communicate what I wanted in the moment while being compassionate to others. Here's some examples because we love examples. You're lovely, but I'm not feeling a connection right now. So, you kind of do the sandwich technique, right? Where you give them a compliment and then let them down. And then a compliment at the end. Right. That one didn't have a compliment at the end.
Doesn't have a compliment at the end, but you kind of don't necessarily need it. It's an open sandwich. Yeah. Open-faced sandwich. It's a deconstructed sandwich. I appreciate the invite, but tonight's not the right night for us.
Now, some of these open you up for future conversations and if you were feeling that then these are really good examples because you go it is just a tonight thing we are interested in this couple so let's let them down gently and leave the door open for later opportunities yes and this is a really good one this is one that we encourage people especially when we went into a playroom with them and that was anybody can pull the ripcord at any point so if you need to pause just call a time out we are okay with anybody saying no at any point and be comfortable saying Thank you. just call a timeout.
We are okay with anybody saying no at any point and be comfortable saying, I need to pause here. Can we check in? So that's a communication to your partner, but that could also be with the other group. Yeah. Right. I need, we need to take a pause and check in with each other, you know, and then that's really just it. And then we go, oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. Take your time. You know, we'll be over here. Just let us know. We'll hang out. Sometimes we hang out for five minutes to see if they come back.
Sometimes, depending on what the conversation looks like, you go, oh, this is going to be a while. And then you just put on your clothes and you don't have to get into the very, you know, feely aspect of why you need to have that conversation to the side. It's in many respects, it's not anybody's business, but yours. And you and your partner can go figure it out and regroup and come back or not yeah but that's okay here's why we sail on virgin it's adults only no kids screaming at breakfast no family buffet lines just champagne at noon late night pool, and people who actually want to be there.
The vibe? Think boutique hotel that happens to float. Tattoo parlors, drag brunch, restaurants you'd actually pay for on land. Plus, when you're looking to connect with other couples who know how to have fun, let's just say Virgin attracts a very specific type of adventurist. No wonder Bread Cruiser's here, just your people. The goal is to once again have clarity and kindness and you don't owe anyone any explanation beyond no thank you. You do the no thank you very well, I will say. I don't. Yes. You do it with this, I think it's your voice.
It's deep and soothing, and you have a smile when you do it and it's it's always like oh okay and i genuinely mean i you know i i all of this in my head i i don't want to hurt your feelings i'm not interested in hurting your feelings you're lovely people but oh thank you no thank you yeah except for when they hit the front doorbell and i see that they have a clipboard and then i'm like get off my lawn step three use direction not apology instead of sorry but maybe we could try something else try let's switch it up to whatever you're in the mood for right that's what i'm in the mood for and i've done that and that works very well yeah that's the classic magician just redirection right like you don't tell them to not pay attention to what you're putting in your pocket just go and over here and you you give them something shiny to look at shiny shiny direction is empowering and for you and your partners people respond well to confidence i i used a lot more direction later on in in our lifestyle experiences once I kind of figured out my stuff.
Yeah, yeah. Got my confidence and all that. And you did a lot of like telling the guy what you wanted and where you wanted him. Yeah, because I was tired of having shitty sex. There it is.
the million and i said if i'm gonna put on this makeup and get my body dressed and spend the money to get in the door and deal with the noise and right and get on a bed that's got a wet spot i'm gonna tell them what i really want because time is a wasting right and i'll i'll reiterate this isn't bossy no it's hot i like being told what to do in a bedroom i like a woman taking charge and telling me what she wants. Never going to bother me. I have always enjoyed that. And it's not even like the dominatrix level. No. It's just tell me how to please you. Yeah. Tell me what pushes your buttons.
Absolutely. Because I will, I will, I'll push that button all, all night if you want me to. When you know what you want and you say it Closed Captioning by Kris Brandhagen. brandh. Permission giving moment. You are not responsible for other people's disappointment. Saying no to one thing is saying yes to your own comfort and boundaries. The right people will respect your honesty. The wrong people will pressure you. Red flag. And that's how you know they're wrong. So here's, so we've given you the framework and we're going to go through some real-world scenarios, three of them.
So, first scenario, soft swap that wants to go further. This is probably a pretty typical boundary-pushing behavior. So, you went into the playroom, you agreed to soft swap, but all of a sudden they're like, yeah, but couldn't we try full swap? I'll just put the tip in. You know, there's a whole bunch of different ways to do that.
So, the old you before the framework would just be silent and maybe not say yes but not say no maybe even give in and then in the morning you're going to regret that because you pushed a boundary and and maybe it was a boundary because you and your partner set that down and he finds out or she finds out later bad bad news the new you we talked about soft swap and that's where i'm at tonight let's keep it fun but within that play style and we've heard couples say that it's easy and easy if you get pressured, that's time to leave. Oh, yeah. For sure. Yes. Scenario number two.
The couple you're not into. And it happens. Your partner is interested, but you are not. That happens all the time. Imagine that. Old you. Go along. Fake your enthusiasm. By the way, enthusiasm is a euphemism for fake your orgasm because that's probably what's happening. Knew you privately to your partner. I'm not feeling it with them. Let's keep mingling. A hundred percent. And I would so much rather hear that from you than maybe get into a situation where it goes downhill super fast. Oh, yeah. Or we get into a situation. And it's also the waste of time thing. You're not interested.
I'm not going to keep using all my best pickup lines. Yeah. I'll see you next time. And it's also the waste of time thing. You're not interested. I'm not going to keep using all my best pickup lines. Yeah. I'm going to go use them someplace else. Okay. So let's throw another one in here because this has happened to us where we've gotten split up at a house party and you're super flirty over here and cash and checks. Never happened. and i'm over here by the water cooler and I'm having conversations of my own, but it's not over there.
And all of a sudden, you three think it's a great idea to go to the bedroom. And then you're like, great, I'll just go get Phoebe. And I'm like, hard stop. Like, what? Huh? I have no idea what's going on right and everyone's all like let's go and how do you stop that moment if you had three people looking at you you're like let's go well what did we how did we fix that? First, we stopped writing checks without checking in with each other. That's the first thing that should have happened.
And the, the second one was if you're going to write a check or you're interested in writing a check to tell the people who you're dragging along with you, I'm going to check in with my partner first and find out. Yes, that has saved us. That has saved me, you, us, a lot. My transformation, as we have been talking about throughout this podcast and video, my confidence grew and I was definitely more comfortable. It was time to put me first. Yes. And that's the shift.
It was from performing for others to prioritizing myself and going from caretaker to the driver, from being silent to being vocal. And the result, I had more fun and not less fun. And I got what I wanted. Yeah. And I got what I wanted because at the end of the night, you were more satisfied or happy with the results. You didn't feel like you had taken one for the team, which was never our agreement. We were never into that. No, but that's where that subtlety lies, where I wasn't consciously taking one for the team.
It was me just choosing to do what I thought was easier, which was to just not say anything yeah to my own detriment yeah and and that's a that's a good distinction because it wasn't like we'd ever been in situation sort of we hadn't been in situations where the expectation was that you were going to go along so that I got what I wanted. Right.
So that the classic taking one for the team we didn't really the expectation was that you were going to go along so that i got what i wanted right so that the classic taking one for the team we didn't really do that we accidentally did ended up in situations where that kind of thing sort of happened but the the nuance with this is you being fully committed to it and not mostly committed to it. That like solid yes, not a mostly I'm okay. And I've been in situations where I'm like, yeah, I'm okay. But I think I'm less worried about that because I usually end up having a good time anyway. Right.
And that's just been my experience. Because you're easy. I'm less worried about that because I usually end up having a good time anyway. Right. And that's, that's just been my experience with things. Because you're easy. I'm very easy. The other thing I wanted to throw in there real quick is it also made, it made you feel better. So like when, when I, I didn't speak up the next day I felt terrible. Right. And then we had a conversation. And then I felt terrible. And you felt really bad. Right. And then I felt bad that you felt bad. Right. It's this, like, cascade of doom and regret.
And you felt, yeah, you felt bad for me and bad for the situation and, like, it all. And then it just kind of tarnished the good time you thought we were having that I was just kind of sort of having. And if you had found your voice during that event, no doubt we still would have had a great time. We always have a good time at those events.
It just have been a different time yeah so it it feels hard it feels difficult but it's it's really not and this is the last little bit and we'll get into some more questions and read through the the chat the lifestyle loves boundaries and ethical non-monogamy isn't about saying yes to everything it's about knowing yourself well enough to say yes to the right things in other words knowing what you want as we keep saying it's sexy and getting what you want out of lifestyle because you asked for it is amazing and everybody wants to do the thing that makes you happy like we're all in this to kind of please our partner and if the partner wants this thing providing that is fantastic it's it's not a buzz kill it just knows you just know which buttons to to go after they're the foundation of trust and safety.
And for all the research that we've done about women and sexuality and their ability to orgasm, safety is actually one of the number one things for women to be able to achieve orgasm. They have to feel safe. When you speak up, you give other people the permission to do the same. So as Freebird was saying, women empowering each other. You set an example.
You set this environment where it's comfortable for other people to say something and you go into a bedroom with another couple and you're comfortable speaking up then the woman on the bed or the man on the bed also feels comfortable about it so it's you you're letting everybody off easy right like everybody's like oh thank god you said that because because now now we feel comfortable saying no we weren't going to say no but now that you've said that we could say no, right? Like, it's kind of embarrassing as adults that we can't just speak up for ourselves, right?
Like, we're supposed to be able to do that. Final thoughts, my love? Yeah, let's talk about some of the the lessons learned we are a university after all so is speaking your truth about power or permission well here's what we've learned today it's both it claims the power to set boundaries and it's giving yourself permission to do it without guilt. Phoebe realized that it was time to put me first. Mm-hmm. And it's giving yourself permission to do it without guilt. Phoebe realized that it was time to put me first. I'm tired of having shitty sex. Shitty sex. I want better experiences.
And it improved our dynamic as well when we both spoke up for ourselves. And it's not selfish. It's sustainable because it helps your relationship to continue to grow and it helps you to have better experiences. Therefore, it feeds itself. And that's how you stay in the lifestyle long term and actually enjoy it. if you take one thing from this episode, let it be this. The lifestyle doesn't require you to say yes to everything. It requires you to be honest. When you finally find your voice, when you stop performing and start participating on your own terms, that's when everything clicks.
That's when it becomes fun again. That's when you realize you were always allowed to drive. You just had to reach for the wheel. Thanks for being here, and we'll see you next week on Patreon. Oh, one last thing before you go. If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review. It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. This is a production of WGBH. review.
It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. Visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review. All the instructions are there. Thank you for being part of this community. We'll see you again soon.
