Want to send us a message? Feeling like the lifestyle doesn’t light you up anymore? You’re not alone—and this episode is for you.In this powerful conversation, Ed and Phoebe from Swinger University sit down with Kel to talk about what it really means when your desires evolve and swinging starts to feel... different.🌶️Get extra episodes and exclusive content: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity🛳️Book your vacation with us: http://SwingerVacation.netJoin our YouTube channel to get access to perks:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCe7DmFew6-HGxq-4ocl61LQ/join🔥 Whether it’s the same parties, same people, or just a fading thrill, this episode explores how to:- Recognize when your lifestyle interests shift- Embrace change without guilt or shame- Let go of self-judgment and outdated identities- Rewrite your story and rediscover what truly lights you up💬 Kel—Certified Adult Chair Coach, Relational Life Therapy Coach, and Enneagram Coach—shares transformative tools to help you reconnect with your authentic self and reignite passion in your relationships.✨ If you’re feeling stuck, burned out, or like the tribe you once loved doesn’t feel like home anymore, this episode is your invitation to something new. Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
We have to talk about something we've been genuinely excited about for months, and our patrons actually got a preview of this already. Jamaica! Yes, we are going back, and actually, we have a great offer for you guys. Yeah, it's Swingcation. It's October 11th through the 18th at Hedonism 2. And if you don't know what Swingcation is, it's pretty easy. Swinger plus kink plus vacation. It's a hosted group with real structure, workshops, lectures, real conversations with experts who are passionate about bringing and bridging that gap between the swinger world and the kink world.
And we're not just going as attendees. we're going as featured presenters, which is exciting. We'll be leading sessions. So if you come, we actually get to hang out with you. Which brings up something we should mention. When you use our code, yes, we got a code, you're not just getting a discount, you're getting the signature swing experience, which means $100 off per person, up to $200 per room, but it also means that we make time for you. An exclusive breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, or one-hour and one time with us directly, plus more surprise benefits.
Here's something that's really unique. You could actually contribute by hosting a discussion or running a Skillshare. I know it's scary, but if you have something that you want to contribute, that's a big part of why this event is so special. Everyone there has something to bring to the table. All right, details. If you book before April 25th, you save $400. Plus, they gave us that special code that gets you an additional $200, and the special code is SWINGERU-VIP. So book through TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinkie. That's T-I-C-K-E-T, the number four, play.com forward slash S-W-I-N-K-Y.
And use our code at checkout. And you guys, if you have any questions about the event, the resort, or what to expect, just reach out. I mean, we're here for you. We're happy to help. So once again, TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinky, the code SwingerU-VIP. We really want to see you there. Picture this. You're at an event that used to light you up. Same faces, same music, same vibe, but something feels off. The energy that once fueled you now feels distant. Your tribe has drifted, the thrill has faded, and suddenly you're questioning if you even belong here anymore.
Maybe it's nostalgia keeping you stuck. Maybe it's the fear of missing out. But what if this shift isn't a loss? It's an invitation to something new. Welcome to Swinger University. I'm Ed. And I'm Phoebe. Today we're talking to Kel from Expansive Connection and we're breaking down what it means when your desires evolve and how to embrace change without guilt. It's time to let go of self-judgment, rewrite your story, and step boldly into the next chapter of you. Let's dive in.
Kelail is a certified adult chair coach certified relational therapy coach and certified and then oh i knew i was gonna mess that up and then and graham eminem and ems eminema kail's gonna fix that in a second here specializing in relationships using the adult chair model she guides individuals in uncovering their true selves cultivating self Thank you. And please correct my flub. So Enneagram.
Enneagram is the word you were trying to uh say with a little fumble there yes um so i am thrilled to be here and yes happy to talk about all of the things that ed so eloquently led us up to but also um and certified in the adult chair which is a um a podcast by michelle jaufant um michelle jaufant show i think is what it's called now, but it is a model for inner parts work, which is very useful in therapeutic coaching, which is what we do at Expansive Connection. I also am Enneagram certified. And the Enneagram is just a tool to better understand personality.
So there's lots of great personality tools out there. The Enneagram is just my favorite personally, because it really digs in deep on why we do what we do and helps us to understand ourselves and also the people that we love and live with. So it is very useful. And yes, I'm happy to be here to represent the team in Expansive Connection with you guys today.
yay welcome we're so we're so happy that you're here with us today because uh the the journey of opening up your relationship and and sharing your your partner with with somebody else in in any form is is challenging it really is a a very personal growth um process, uh, process. Yeah, definitely. And resources are really important. When we first started, um, the resources weren't, weren't there. All we had were podcasts really to listen to and, um, everyone's experience is different, which was great.
It gave us a lot of things to sample from, but sometimes you just can't find what's unique to you, and that's why your guys' service is so great and wonderful because you listen to people all day long, all week long, and you've got this wealth of information from a bunch of couples and singles experiences as they're going through this journey. So we are super excited that you're here. Yes, absolutely. And it's interesting. We at Expensive Connection are four coaches, but we all also are walking our own road on A&M. So we do it differently.
Each of us do it a little differently, of course, since there's so many different ways to do that.
But we all are practicing that in our own lives in our relationships so I think it does to Phoebe your point give people perspective it gives us a way to help people from being on the same side of the street with them and maybe not just being compassionate to the side of the street they're on but actually having you know swept the sidewalks and mowed the grass and cleaned the gutters on that side of the road with them so yes very happy to work with with people and we really focus on relationships because like you said that's the hard part of opening up is how do i share this person and how do we manage our relationship as it changes and grows and evolves and devolves and all the things that happen when we try to become different people yeah exactly speaking of evolving so we've kind of titled this episode as an aging out and that's kind of our turn of phrase on the whole thing but it it's less about age and more about maybe habitualization and and like just doing the same thing over and over again and it kind of loses its luster right it's it it's lost that new swinger smell as we say um so let's let's talk about that a little bit yeah we we ourselves are 11 12 years in now and we're experiencing that that type of lack of lackluster and some of it has to do with our tribe disappearing and trying to find a new tribe.
our tribe is fractured because things change um for some people it's it's uh some of our friends they say that they're just too old and um i don't agree with that i think um i mean i understand that that's the perspective but i know a lot of people um continue that as they age and then we also wanted to kind of get your feedback on you know how do you start again or make it fresh or how do you renegotiate all of that so that's kind of where we're starting right there yeah yeah well I think it's interesting because I agree with youebe. I don't think that there is an age limit to this.
You know, it's not the opposite of getting carded when you're going into a bar all excited with your fake ID. And then there's some opposite end of that at the Swinger Hotels where it's like, oh, sorry, sir, your ID says you're a little too old to get into this event. And we've all seen couples that are, you know, into their 70s, maybe even older, you know, never want to go up and ask unless they offered it, but that are still enjoying resorts and parties and friends and some of the joy and the fun and the levity that E&M has to offer.
So yeah, it doesn't feel like it's just some arbitrary number on the birthday cake. But I think there is something to this idea that the same thing sometimes that lights us up getting into something new. So we'll talk a little brain science and geek out a little bit here is also what sometimes fades away and makes us not so motivated to do things.
So, you know, the brain's an interesting thing that runs our whole lives and most of us that have been in um in and long enough have heard of nre you know this new relationship energy that the brain gets really really hopped up on all the dopamine and serotonin that meeting someone new kind of lights up in our bodies and that actually happens with any kind of novelty the brain does the same thing about a fun activity you know if you've ever gotten into a new hobby Thank you. up in our bodies. And that actually happens with any kind of novelty.
The brain does the same thing about a fun activity. You know, if you've ever gotten into a new hobby, a new sport, a new book series, your brain does the same thing. It gets really, really excited. And suddenly, all you want to do is play pickleball. All you want to do is bake sour. All you want to do is finish the next chapter in this book series. So the brain loves new. It loves the idea of brand new stimuli and getting it all worked up and sending all of these hormones to our body that say, this is new, this is fun, this is exciting.
And that happens in all kinds of things with people, of course, the kind of classic NRE, but also with activities. And so for a lot of people, when they get into non-monogamy, they find themselves in that space of loving the novelty of something they have never done with people they never knew existed in places they didn't know or even possible. And so that becomes very exciting and a very big driver of why they're showing up to do it. Well, what happens when, say for you guys, this example, a decade goes by?
Well, the brain can't create that kind of energy for that long of a period of time around a new thing, because guess what? Suddenly it's not so new.
Five years, 10 years in years in this isn't new this is familiar and so all of the things that really get people going sometimes fade away and without something else to kind of backfill all of those brain chemicals when you settle into familiar it can be easy to kind of not be able to kind of generate the enthusiasm, the energy to keep going into something, especially when there's struggles in terms of people quitting going and you're losing friends. And so suddenly there's some sorrow there. That's a big hill to climb. Yeah. Yeah.
We know when we first got in, pretty much every event was like amazing it was like a level you know 12 experience because it was new it's something that we'd never experienced before it's like having that new food for the first time or you know that that new hobby that you have that you just invest everything into and we we kind of rekindled that as we went because it was a new location or it was a new group of people and i think a lot of our kind of lack of nre if you will is that we keep seeing the same people at these events and it's become kind of like the typical crowd.
And, you know, we've either run our course with that particular group of people or we just didn't have an attraction to them or, you know, it's just like, yeah, it's going to be the same thing. And I'm just not excited to even show up at the party, let alone engage and move forward with that. So what are some things that we can do to help with that? Sure. Well, I think really it's finding everything in life that we're trying to make ourselves do or trying to keep ourselves doing or just interested in doing. We really do better as humans if we create a sense of why.
You know, this question of why we do something, why is really a motivator.
So when we start anything that we want to do for a long time, we really can come up with, usually, unless it's, you know, we just drank too much and there we were and here we are and what do we do you know those are of course usually not as quite as thought out um ideas and those can sometimes turn out to be a lot of fun but they're not sustaining sustaining things for our systems whether that system be ourselves or our relationship usually need a good motivation and the motivation of course is going to be the why so the why for you guys that existed 10 years ago, most likely does not still exist.
And so if you're trying to chase the same why and finding it empty, you're just not putting enough gas in the tank to go. so a lot of times we'll talk to couples and say you know it's sometimes it's a good idea to sit back down you know pad and pad and paper, pen and pencil and say, why would we put the time and the energy and the emotion and the money and any other resource that you guys are putting into this activity now?
And that can become a real start from scratch, mind map, brainstorming thing, because maybe some of the people that would have been in part of your why five years ago like phoebe said have no are no longer present they're not even here anymore well then that's not a why so it's digging into and i always challenge people in any couple there are three whys there's my why there's your why and there's our why. There's the us why. And so I've challenged people before as a homework assignment after coaching to go home and literally make a column, me, you, us. And then what is good for me still here?
What would be a challenge? What would be a push? What would be a motivator that could create enough energy, enough momentum to get us to go to places? Maybe we need to go to different places. Maybe the new motivation is we'd like to travel and do this. And so we're not seeing the same people that we love in our neighborhood and our town, but instead we're going to take this on the road and we're going to start to go to events that are in different cities and different towns, maybe even different countries. Maybe the motivator is we'd like to be, you know, to some of Phoebe's friends.
We're way more than we are the older people in the crowd now, or at least in that segment of the population. Then maybe we want to try to invest in some younger people that we see coming on the scene with some insight. We want to mentor people now. We want to take people who are new and befriend them and be a way to kind of pass on the lessons we've learned and help their road be maybe a little easier or just different than ours was.
So there's all kinds of whys, but without a clear one, we will really suffer from a lack of initiative, a lack of enthusiasm, and a lack of energy to go and do these things that we once enjoyed and could enjoy again. Okay. Can we talk about October for a second? Oh my God. Yeah. I've been waiting for this. We were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six-star crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples.
And it sails montreal to boston during the peak foliage season i'm super excited and honestly i'm really nervous yeah it's kind of a version of like a swinger ted talk that we're gonna have to do oh my god i know and more importantly if you know the brand it's llv luxury lifestyle vacations you may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats this ship the crystal symphony is classy butler service for every single room michelin rated restaurants full spa clothing optional, sensual playrooms, like everything, theme nights and international DJ. So it's luxury and nudity.
Oh man, this is going to be great. The bottom line is we want you there with us. It's 310 couples and like all their vacations they book up fast they really do their vacations are extremely popular so please come with us and in order to find it all you have to do is go to our swingerlinks.com and look for the llv sensual voyage we hope you'll join us yeah yeah we've done a little bit of that that why analysis and we when we were under a lot of stress and we needed to to to regroup we shut down the podcast for about three it was supposed to be three months, but I said, I need another month.
And it helped us regroup we shut down the podcast for about it was supposed to be three months but I said I need another month and it helped us regroup and figure out that why why are we doing this and this was last year and and the reason we came up with is the community we couldn't just give it up I mean, it was it was so integral in our lives that we had to keep networked and we started finding ways to do that and keep giving back. The podcast is one of the ways that we keep getting back.
When Ed and I sit down and talk together in front of the microphone that's one of my these are some of my most favorite moments because we're very we're connecting in a very real way and i think a lot of it is is that very uh purposeful conversation it's the eye-to-eye contact conversation right and we're engaging mentally and sharing information we're having fun doing it and um i i didn't want to stop doing that and he didn't want to stop doing that and we did we we we realized we do like to travel and we're going to have to start traveling now because our community is somewhat fractured um and and different here and so we we are starting to do that as well but the the focus has shifted too it's not it's not about the sex anymore the that oh you know somebody new and different right it's not about that anymore it's it's about the people really because you can just be so authentic with everyone you could talk about anything and people are just very open and non-judgmental and that's what's lovely it's it's very it's like being at a nudist resort right you just take off your clothes and you walk around you're like judgment you just feel free.
And it's funny, I'm using that analogy because I don't like nudists. I mean, I don't actually really feel comfortable there. I can go, but it's not really my thing. But it's still kind of that. Yeah, it's that shedding of your preconceptions and your baggage, right?
You're just kind of dropping all of that and just being there in the moment with people and just just enjoying it yeah yeah definitely i think that that's a beautiful analogy too and anybody who's ever been to the clothing options will instantly understand that non-judgment it's just like oh it's just like another th mean, you know, it's very relaxed and very, but also I think something metaphorical happens when people take off their clothes, they tend to take down their guard in a lot of other ways too.
And so you get these really rich and really deep conversations with people about things that really, really matter, you know, versus surface level talk that happens a lot with people that we know. And so there is something to be desired about, again, these, not just the conversations you and Ed are having, which are beautiful and you let us sometimes listen in on, but that you can have those kind of conversations with other people too is really a wonderful why to continue to create community in this open environment.
What happens with couples when they, their needs change maybe the one of their partners wants to continue the lifestyle they want to continue having new sexual experiences um or maybe they decide you know it's not it's not sex it's more um they want to experience maybe the bdsm side of of those types of sensory experiences um and their partner could either care less or they want some you know we're talking you know different right sure things are starting to transition right the the whys are are have have you know deviated if Yeah. You know, they've kind of split a little bit. Yeah, for sure.
And, and first let me say that also it's a, it's always a valid, like just saying, you know what, this isn't for me. Just like any other hobby, just like any other interest is never something to be, you know, to, to chase to the ends of the earth. You have to find a why. Sometimes there's just not a why for people. Sometimes people had a why. And again, maybe a decade has gone by and they just can't generate another one or their life has changed. And now maybe they have grandchildren or maybe they have different financial responsibilities or maybe their health is different.
And so I always want to say that, you know, to say this no longer meets my needs and no longer is just something that I have a capacity for is extremely valid and one of many options for people to say so to your point what if one part of a partnership one part of a couple says you know I just don't think this is for me I don't think I can add this in with all the other things that our life has now includes and the other person says well I want to well I think what happens is what happens about a lot of things for couples and we just do it so naturally we don't really think about it this way but that is we enter into negotiation so being in a couple any for more than five minutes means that we have shown up to the table to negotiate with another human being how to get our wants, how to get our needs, how to get the things we just desire done, and then also how to have this other person do that same thing.
And so couples, that's a lot of time where couples will come to see a coach is to help in that negotiation process. Maybe they feel like, you know, and it's really interesting. I really take this coaching from sort of a business background and really treat it that way and say, okay, well, here's all of the options for your negotiation. You know, how, how willing are you to accommodate your partner? You know, accommodation is just one of the places on negotiation. How much compromise can we find here? Can you move a little left and they move a little right?
there a new way to see this that's not all or nothing but somewhere in the middle and sometimes couples can use negotiation to create consensus which is different than compromise it's sort of like creating a brand new idea not i lose a little you lose a little but really this sort of start fresh with what do you need and what do you want and why do you want that? And how could that be fine with me and not bother me at all if you wanted to go and explore BDS and play with someone and I was not involved? What would I need to feel safe about that?
What would I need for there to not be any resentment about you taking the time and the energy away from us? And that conversation is really kind of building or creating a new thing, which becomes this consensus decision that we negotiate out. So couples can do that in a lot of different ways. And sometimes they just aren't used to the skills or they just haven't done it around something maybe that's as tender or as sensitive as sexual ideas and sexual openness.
Yeah, we've definitely come to a kind of a consensus in terms of what we wanted to do and we'd we talked about traveling more and wanting to see parts of the world there's so many things to see right our bucket list just it doesn't get any shorter we keep adding locations that we want to go see and things that we want to go experience and we're starting to think that maybe this travel aspect you know traveling to Europe and we make it maybe a blended vacation so a little bit of vanilla and a little bit of some swirl in there and we get some sprinkles.
We hit Amsterdam, we hit, you know, London and we find a club and we do that one night, but we're there for a week. So it's something different. We get to experience something different. We get to kind of maybe recharge some of that, that swinger energy. But we're still we haven't compromised you know we neither one of us have lost what we want to do we're just doing it a different way as you said absolutely how do what what's your advice for people that have a lot of FOMO because it's it it's very real.
They're in, they're in chats or they see an event on Instagram or something and they, they just, they, they wanna, they wanna go, but they, you know, they can't or they, they book too many and their finances don't, don't allow for them to go and they just have this, you know, just this doom of FOMO looming over them. What's the best way to kind of break out of that or reset from feeling like that? Yeah. Well, I think first of all, it's probably going to take a little bit of digging to figure out what's underneath, you know, the fear of missing out. What is scary to you?
And, you know, to me, is it jealousy? I'm jealous that, you know, other people are doing something and it feels like I'm not getting to go and that's taking something away from me. You know, usually, especially if it's not your partner that's involved, jealousy is sort of like this universal scarcity mindset. Like, well, you know, the whole world and all the fun is a big pizza. And if these people are taking a big slice over here because they're in Hedo and they're having a great time and I'm sitting on the couch, that's taking something from me for them to have this other thing.
And so, you know, it's, is that my mindset mindset is my mindset that this is somehow costing me something for these other people to be joyful and and then that's a place to dig and well this this is sort of thought management work well how do I think about fun in the world and sometimes that is a root of jealousy for people sometimes it's it's an envy thing I want those people have and that stirs in me kind of a yucky sadness but can i use that to generate those negative feelings or harder feelings are just as powerful to negative to i'm sorry to get us to move they're just as powerful to generate energy as positive ones so we can also kind of harness that envy and say wow what what is this telling me it's telling me that i wish i was having some fun okay well maybe the budget doesn't allow me to go to keto but maybe the budget allows my partner and i to go out and dress really fancy and get a hotel room in our town and we're going to make a big night of it and we're going to really go uptown and we're going to maybe even do some role play while we're out and pretend to be on a first date or any kind of imagination thing just to harness some energy that I'm envious that other people are seeing.
So, you know, it could create fears of, as we talked at the beginning, well, maybe this is slipping away from me because I'm getting older or my finances are getting tighter as I do get older or our time is getting more limited. So I think really looking at what's happening behind that feeling of fear or whatever it represents and then figuring out if those thoughts are serving me and if those thoughts that I'm thinking can actually push me in a direction that would make me feel better or create something new for me is really the hard work. Because that's hard work.
It's easy to just feel miserable. Oh, everyone's having fun but me and kind of swirl in that negativity or that hard versus stepping out of that and going, well, wait, what am I thinking here? Do I think that them having fun is costing me? Well, that's not how I want to view the world. So I'm going to stop ruminating on that thought. Or am I thinking that they're doing something fun and I want to do something fun? Well, let me put that energy into pursuing something fun within my scope and let me go do that.
So I really push people to get underneath it and see what they can do about those hard feelings here's why we sail on virgin it's adults only no kids screaming at breakfast no family buffet lines just champagne at noon late night pool parties and people who actually want to be there. The vibe? Think boutique hotel that happens to float. Tattoo parlors, drag brunch, restaurants you'd actually pay for on land. Plus, when you're looking to connect with other couples who know how to have fun, let's just say Virgin attracts a very specific type of adventurous.
No wonder Breadcruisers here, just your people. Yeah, it's great that you bring that up. It's been a while actually since we've talked about jealousy and envy. We did an episode pretty early on about that.
And I think it's important to kind of reinforce that a lot of the feelings that we have kind of get shoved under those umbrellas and and that there is really really that's more symptomatic of something underlying something else that's going on and and i love the fact that you kind of say use that energy and flip it right um it's kind of like adversity is the the mother of invention right so you've you're like hey i've got this this problem that i have to solve and Thank you.
flip it right um it's kind of like adversity is the the mother of invention right so you've you're like hey i've got this this problem that i have to solve and i love solving problems um that's that's my thing so it it really is this opportunity to to create change in your own life and kind of figure out what that underlying thing is to, to better your situation, to better your mood. And you are so right in terms of it's very easy to sit in that space.
Um, all you have to do is watch the news, um, open Instagram, um, any social media platform, and you can instantly feel this FOMO or this overwhelming sense of dread because there's so many things going on in the world where we're just like it's hopeless like we there's there's nothing we can do and we all have to do a better job of trying to reframe our thoughts and think about things in terms of well what can i do about it like it's okay to to acknowledge those feelings but like now what are you going to do about it where are you going to go with this so it's that's fantastic um i love that yeah it's like the i always look at it as like the pie the pie of life right or you maybe the the pieces of your pie got a little off balance where, you know, maybe too much, you know, time is spent on one area and you're neglecting maybe another area and you need to kind of rebalance.
And then that FOMO is, like you said, right in your face.
And then digging down into it and going, what is it you know what is going on why am I feeling like this and then you start to see wow you know I guess I could I should you know could should um try not to say should work on this right um look at this and supplement that in a different way if I can't do this then like you said I really like that idea of you know interjecting that fun in a different way it pops into my mind too it's like hey all of our friends are at Hedo hanging out doing their thing well well no not all of them you probably have friends at home who didn't get to go to Hedo too maybe you have them over for you know a drink uh go out on a date night with them go see a movie like whatever it doesn't matter create your own fun space with the people who didn't necessarily get to go and you know it's a great opportunity to reach out to people you hadn't talked to in a while and say hey i'm i'm feeling a little left out so i thought'd help, you know, help and contribute.
And I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah. Yeah. What a beautiful use of that energy. And, you know, emotions are just our brain telling us to do something. That's the funny thing about emotions is that it's literally just a neural synapse coming from your brain into your body in this form of feeling.
And the brain is just trying to get you to do do something and sometimes the thing is just to be joyful and take in the moment but sometimes the thing is to move get up off the couch and do something and if we listen to emotions and then act on them we tend to actually feel less of the feeling because once we're in an action state we're really not in an emotional state anymore and so what happens is when people don't move and they just sort of ruminate the motion just gets bigger and bigger and heavier and heavier because it's not actually being used for what its purpose is and it just doesn't really know what to do with itself so it's just like well i guess we'll just add story and stay here and mope around in this emotion versus taking it as a stimulus to go and find something else to do to say to think about and all of those things so yeah excellent yeah it's that that kind of downward spiral right where the that sense of emotion that you're feeling whatever it is if you sit in it too long it just keeps keeps building on itself, which is kind of crazy.
Yeah. And I, I think getting out and going and doing things, I think that's been one of our solutions too. And a lot of times when we feel overwhelmed, we'll go backpacking, we'll go on a hike, we'll go do something different.
And it's, it's really hard to, to be, to be in that couch mood and that that kind of doom scrolly mood when you've got nature around you and birds flying and the sun is you know amazing or it's raining on you whichever one right like nature has a way of kind of breaking us out of that so there's something that each of us really enjoys doing and I think that's that opportunity, you know, a motivation to go do it. It's, it's maybe you can answer this because it's, it's a brain chemistry thing.
Is this tied into that whole fight or flight kind of that, that lizard brain that we all have where our brain really has kind of a something's wrong or, or I'm, I'm doing okay okay and it's is it that that's that's being triggered well i think anytime that we feel emotions and our nervous system gets involved then we're dealing with old sciency brain chemistry so i think it depends on you know what what's being tripped in my system, for example.
So if my reaction historically to hard emotion, heavy emotion, emotions like fear, anxiety, difficulty, being left out, being, you know, judging myself poorly or not worthy enough is to freeze, which is a nervous reaction.
then all of a sudden i freeze but we all have these little computers in our hands so it's very difficult to freeze and actually not taking any data we just still taking data and of course what data do we take in more data that keeps us frozen you know we tend to of course the algorithms are going to point us that way anyway But we just choose to be in this state of more fear, more anxiety, more worthlessness. And so that freeze that maybe was a nervous system or a lizard brain reaction isn't really serving us because we sort of double down with technology or we double down with those things.
Whereas, you know, some people feel difficult or hard emotions and they instantly go into action, more of a fight. They're like, OK, well, I don't want to feel this way. And so I'm going to find this a motivator to get up and go out, to go outside, to go speak to someone I love, to listen to a podcast and have a walk, to get online and find out when the next event is that I could go to and might could use closer to me or further away, they spring into action. So, yes, any time our nervous system is activated, it's just going to be how we respond and what our go-to to keep ourselves safe.
Because that's what the brain is always trying to do. That lizard brain always wants to keep us safe.
And for some of us, safety means stay on the couch, don't move, don't don't move a muscle you'll just make it worse and that could be a hard place to be if we are those people right that's okay the biggest thing to do is to know that about ourselves if i have a tendency to do the same thing over and over again the minute i realize i have a tendency and step back a little bit and have some self-awareness and say wow you know what every time i get one this platform and see all of my friends going and dressed up and whatever i feel bad in some way that doesn't seem to be serving me and from that badness i waste a sunday afternoon on the couch to get nothing done and feel terrible about myself.
Gee, maybe I need to back up and choose something different. Just being able to pull yourself up and go, hey, I notice maybe this is enough for our brain to kind of disconnect from us and be a little bit more of a watcher and a little bit less of a doer. And from that place, we can actually choose change. It's like, wow, I don't think this is serving me. And you know what? I'm not going to pick up my phone on Sunday mornings anymore, first thing, because that's what everybody's posting their Saturday night fun. And that always gets me riled up.
So instead on Sunday mornings, I'm going to choose to have coffee with a friend, go for a hike, meditate, go to a yoga class, read, whatever. But it's not going to be the same thing that keeps me stuck. Hey there, podcast listeners. You've been tuning into our episodes, but have you ever wondered about the steamy details of our adventures or maybe hungry for some sultry, erotic stories? Well, guess what? We've got something special just for you. Our exclusive Patreon page. It's like a VIP pass to the saucier side of our world.
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See you there patrons yeah and it sounds like this is also something that we can kind of train ourselves to do right that that whole fake it till you make it so if you do tend to be one of those people that freezes and you you have this realization then you can start to say well i'm going to take an action instead like you said you know put the phone down don't do that so this is something i think that we can train ourselves out of and it's just like no i i'm recognizing this and now i'm going to to take a different action that's great i like that i was i was also thinking about you were talking and it triggered a thought in my head about when we've seen a lot of friends get in the lifestyle and they, you ever heard that term where you're fast friends and you just, you do everything together all the time, talk every day, and you just like burn out.
Like you're fast fast friends and you've just you've just burned the friendship out because it was so fast so hot we've seen a lot of our friends do that where they're at every event like every week like wednesday every weekend and then it just keeps they keep amping it up and amping it up and all of a sudden they're vanilla hunting and they're like, you know, having a yoga, a vanilla yoga teacher over to their house and all of a sudden she, you know, that's a threesome and like, like, it's just, these are very specific examples.
and then and then all of a sudden they're gone they just disappear and you're like whoa what happened to them they're like gone it's like this this burnout how do you how do you it's like I feel like it's a drug you know where people just get addicted to that energy and then it's just done and I I have a great amount of sadness over that because we've seen so many friends do that and then they don't want to have anything to do with with anybody in the lifestyle and even though I I say oh my gosh we could still go to dinner we're not gonna like hit on you or you know we're still friends with you and they're like no no we can't we're and it's always a mourning process for me because i i miss them and i want to be their friend but they've they've stopped so how do you like slow down or i don't know i guess it's like a drug you don't know your any advice well i will say for the people who are going really fast and if they have someone caring enough to say you know gee you seem to be amping this up and amping this up and amping this up you know i think that that's sort of like getting a brand new sports car and seeing how fast you can drive, how often you can drive, how dangerously you can drive.
The brain does like that, amp up, amp up. But there comes a place where a lot of times that burning so fast and so hot burns us. And so I think then what happens is that when it burns us, we don't want anything to do with it anymore. You know, I've wrecked the sports car, so I'm going to sell it. I'm never going to get another one because I have now have kind of carved this part into my brain that says this activity equals hurt, danger.
And so if someone could, could wisely say to them, Hey, there's a chance that you are going to end up somewhere that you've amped up and amped up because also you probably amped at risk and you're amping up, you know, maybe affection and you're maybe raving up other people's affections and emotions you're taking a lot more chances with people right things or with your money and so again if that goes badly it may leave a sour taste in your mouth for this whole experience and i hate to see that happen to something yeah um that could be really great for you that's one thing i think for you phoebe it's just about allowing yourself to be sad and saying, hey, these other people chose a path that ended in a place where they could no longer, you know, be in this environment.
And that really makes me sad. And to just grieve that and feel, you know, the hardness of losing friendships, but then using that grief to let you be grateful and love all the people that are still around and have not earned out in that blaze of glory so um it's just you know the compassion for you to say yeah this sucks and it's okay to feel bad and sad that we don't get to see these people anymore and then again what we've been talking about this whole time how do I do use that for what I can do oh I can still reach up to people who do take my calls and want to have dinner.
And, you know, what we've been talking about this whole time, how do I do use that for what I can do? Oh, I can still reach out to people who do take my calls and want to have dinner. And, you know, I can maybe mentor someone I see that's younger and open to it that does seem to be going a little quicker and share some historical stories of others who this has ended poorly with just to give them some perspective, not to control them. And, you know, we never have any hope about the outcome.
we just can give hope that maybe they'll listen and it'll go differently for them right right yeah oh yeah i hate i hate losing friends it's sad it is i get very attached to them you have anything else my love um got this last one which was the the self judgment component um yeah we we kind of covered that we kind of covered it but um the um kel maybe you could do a little wrap up on, um, maybe just honoring, um, that we want different things. And it kind of goes back to that negotiation that I think you were talking about earlier.
And then, you know, of course, honoring our preferences and loving, loving the change, right? We get so used to, um, like, yeah, I'm in the groove now. Things are going good. And then something happens. You're like, and you're like, what? And a lot of people are like, oh, they get frustrated because they're like, no, I want it to be the same. And then how do you honor that part and just go, you know, it's okay. It's a change.
We can work with this it's going to be a little awkward it's going to be a little uncomfortable but it'll be fine and how do you have any other tips on how people can do that first i want to say you said that beautifully i mean it is about this self-talk of and think anytime something changes, anytime we have to show up and negotiate something, you know, if we can do it from a place of self-compassion, you know, no change that isn't, and Kristen Neff is the queen of self-compassion and she's written books about it and really has an amazing take on it.
But she says no change ever happens and sticks, and we have peace with it if it doesn't come from a place of compassion for ourselves.
So we think, oh, i'll just kind of bully myself into going to things i don't want to go to or i'll just you know talk to myself like come on you get up off the couch why are you being so this this and this that never works and so what does work is seeing ourselves as people who feel different feelings and have different experiences and want and need different things, and then allowing that to be and honoring that by sharing it with others, negotiating with our partners in good faith, saying, hey, here's my honest truth. I want to hear your honest truth.
I want to be able to understand that and have compassion for you and compassion for me and move forward. Same thing with friendships, you know, to be able to show up and have compassion and honor what people are choosing, but then to not feel that that means something's wrong with us if we want something different. It just means we're just people and all people are different. So I think the biggest place that we can really help ourselves is through compassion. And if we can just give ourselves grace, you know, oh, I feel a ton of FOMO. That's okay. Everybody feels that sometimes.
It's all right to feel sad and scared and worried. And is there anything here for us to do? And if so, let's think about it. Let's do it.
I think that's the starting point for all of the that self-judgment and all those places yeah yeah i like that it kind of takes us full circle with the whole why question and and not compromising but coming to that place of consensus where everybody's kind of found a nice happy place to to kind of be yeah that's all I I um I've used some some self-talk a lot lately especially when I had a friend that says oh I never experienced momo and I'm like what I'm like how is that actually possible which of course then triggered me even more and I'm like oh crying out loud like I'm like well then what's wrong Thank you.
I'm like how is that actually possible which of course then triggered me even more and I'm like oh crying out loud like I'm like well then what's wrong with me like why do I explain right of course you know you're just like and you're like okay stop it stop it you know and then relaxing doing the deep dive and then recalibr out. And, of course, loving the process because I'm different than other people. But still, it bugs me. Still, you can tell. But we have figured it out.
We figured out what's working for us us now and it's it's different um but i like it and our focus is more on the community and and travel and those connections with individuals so yeah yeah all right well i think this was an excellent episode. And I really want everyone to know about all the amazing classes, courses, retreats, events, et cetera, that Expansive Connection has going on this year, where to find your socials, all that good stuff, because you guys are a wealth of knowledge and a great resource. Thank you.
Well, you can find us on our website, first of all, is expansiveconnection.com slash ENM. So that's our fun, spicy, where you can find all our offerings. So everything I'm going to talk about is right there. When you go onto that website, you'll find it in our offerings. We're also only on Instagram. It's expansive.connection.coaching.
So we have an Instagram page that also has a lot of our information as well as some resources that we send out um for people to find what we're listening to or reading as coaches um some things we have going on is retreats we have been really finding that being in person with people in groups is really beneficial for them they love it we love it it just feels like a calling that we're really kind of stepping up and meeting and so um we just finished our first couples retreat. It was actually last weekend. And Catherine and I led that with 10 amazing, actually 11 amazing couples.
And it was incredible. And so we're already planning a fall date that's going to be somewhere in the mountains and a February date that's going to be somewhere on the beach along the Gulf of Mexico. So pay attention to those. They're going to be coming soon. Catherine is also co-hosting two women's retreats in the fall. One is called Women of the Lifestyle, and it's October 9th through 12th. And another one is Wild and Wise Thriving Through Menopause, and it's for women who are somewhere in the scope of menopausal life, and it is November 13th through 16th.
And both of those are going to be located in the Spoky Mountains of Tennessee. So you can find information about those. We also are really excited that we are starting a peer led men's group is going to be meeting twice a month. And this is going to be called masculinity matters. And it is going to be a really great place for men to come and have discussions about all kinds of things together.
It's going to be led by men with men we're really really excited about these groups and we think there's something that's really needed and to just have support to have companionship to have you know some guys that you can really lean on and talk about the hard things with and so we're going to have those starting up sometime in may so if you're interested in those you'll be able to find out about those and we are educators really before we're anything else so we are always having workshops um we're always trying to do something where we teach people you know they can spend less than a quarter of an hour time with us but they can get a whole 90 minutes worth of great information that they can watch over and over so we are going to have a three-part sexual health workshop this summer um it's going to be a part for men a part for women and a part for everyone and that's going to be really exciting so that's coming and then we'll have more workshops in the fall because one of us will get a niche to teach something and we'll just throw a workshop together and offer it to people so we're really excited about a lot of the things we have going on very very cool lots of lots of exciting learning opportunities for everybody absolutely more resources than podcasts that we're trying to do for people yeah not the podcasts are wonderful but it's nice phoebe that we have more than just you know getting on and listening to the podcast we used to have five six seven years ago it's it's nice to have options for people to really lean in on community.
Yes. Yeah, podcasts are very one way. You get to hear us and what we're talking about. And as an audience member, you can't go, but I have this question. Right.
And that's really tricky, which is a great segue to our conclusion conclusion but before we do that uh we want to thank you for being on this episode with us we've got a couple other episodes planned with the other members of your group to continue this kind of deep journey into um all things self-help and how to uh have those great dialogues with yourself and with a with a counselor or a coach um to be able to evolve as individuals yeah yes absolutely and and together and together yes thank you both so much for having us and me here we really really appreciate your work in the community and really are honored to get to chat with you about these things that really do matter and we all face.
And thank you so much. Well, thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you. thanks for tuning in we appreciate you joining our community don't forget your homework tell a friend about our show and if you'd like leave a review and a comment because all of that engagement helps our videos to grow and our channel to grow so that more people can see them. You can also leave us a voicemail at 916-538-0482, or you can contact us at swingeruniversity.com. You can even leave us a 90-second message anonymously on our website. And as we like to say, keep learning, keep growing, and keep it sexy.
Oh, one last thing before you go. If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review. It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. Visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review all the instructions are there thank you for being part of this community we'll see you again soon
