3 Rules

Transcript

Welcome to the Pineapple Pin-Up. Thank you so much for joining me today. On today's episode, I'm going to talk about three rules. I'm going to talk about my utter shame and humiliation. I think that's how it's going to go down. So let's talk about the three rules because I recently had some upheaval at this new job that I got and was kind of informed that I was probably going to need to take a bigger more active role in the company and the business that could include evening work it could include weekends and it really kind of threw me for a loop. So I went to therapy. I know you're welcome.

So I went to therapy and I sat down and I really put some thought into it. I thought about the fact that there was a period of time in my relationship with my husband where our relationship was not great because I was not putting him first. Okay. And I mean that because in my Capricorn way, in my Capricorn nature, I had this job where people relied on me, where people were looking to me to put them first, to answer all their questions, be there to quell all their fears. And I kind of did it. I kind of did it.

I put all of my energy into helping people that were not my family, helping people that were not really even my friends. I was so busy answering their calls and answering their texts, no matter what time of day or night they called. And I was really putting my relationships with my family in a lot of jeopardy. And believe me, there was a lot of time there where my husband was not happy with me. One might even go to the length of saying resentful. And he had every right to be. He had every fucking right to be resentful of the way that I was behaving.

Because my behavior was, without a doubt, more focused on trying to impress people with how smart I was rather than taking care of my home, rather than taking care of the relationships I already had because the relationships I already had thought I was smart already okay so I put some so I did some damage I tore up the road a little bit so now when I'm focused when I'm forced to focus on the possibility that this might come back again it really threw me for a loop because my relationship with my husband has been so incredibly great because our communication is open and I can see where I stepped wrong before.

I can see where I put a lot of other people before my marriage. I can see where I did that and I don't want to repeat. I don't want to go back to that. So I sat down in therapy and I made three rules. The first rule is that I get the calendar book. The second rule is that I write down at least two items every week that I do. Okay.

The third rule is that because of the fact that I'm going to have these only one per month can I cancel and for the month of March I already canceled one but I'll get in I'll get into all that I have this thing that I have to do okay I have this lifestyle that I've built with my husband I have this connection that he and I have that I have to maintain. And if for some reason we decide to take time off, we're going to put that in the calendar as time we're taking off. But I'm going to still create two blocks of time that are immovable.

Because if I put these, if I put these in concrete, if I say these are times that I'm devoting to whatever it is Tim and I are moving, are doing, then they cannot be usurped by someone else. They cannot be put aside so that I can go take care of a stranger.

Because this is time that I'm putting aside to take care of me my marriage and my husband okay this is time I'm putting aside to make sure that my boundaries remain boundaries and I don't take that lightly I don't take that as like I take that very seriously because my husband and I have been through some shit okay we've been through some shit because we lost touch with one another because I was more focused on my job than I was on my marriage in true Capricorn style I mean come on guys it's what we do we climb and if there's a mountain out there that we could climb we're gonna fucking find a way to climb it which is all well and good until until it becomes the thing that separates you from your husband that separates you from your relationship so knowing myself knowing myself well enough to say that this is something that's a that's possibility i need measures to make sure that my time with my husband that my endeavors with the lifestyle are con fucking crete that my boundaries cannot moved, that my boundaries are actual legitimate boundaries.

Just, and here's the thing, if I cancel on a date, it is not necessarily breaking that promise. Basically, if I break a date, it's got to be for something to do with health or wellness or something like that. It cannot be for work. These are immovable for work boundaries. And believe me when I tell you, that never used to be a boundary I had. I am, my husband will tell you, the absolute fucking worst, or at least I used to be. I used to be the absolute fucking worst where I would make sure that everybody around me was taken care of and he was last in line.

And that I think that's growth that I can fucking recognize what it is that I did, what it is that I allowed to happen. Because it is not easy to be it is not easy to want people to see you as something with high esteem and then also try to cultivate a marriage. Like I have figured out where my priorities lie. And as long as my husband and I are solid, that's esteemable to me now. That is my, that is where my esteem is coming from. I am not allowing outside influences to guide me in how I feel about myself.

My husband and I have developed a relationship so deep and so strong that I want to continue to cultivate that. That is my main priority. And everything else is just window dressing until I can get back to it. Until I can get back to me and him time. And yes, me and him time includes him and him. A couple of hers, but him for sure. You know, like just because my time with my husband includes other people does not mean I'm any less focused on my marriage. This whole thing has been a growth opportunity for both of us. So that is my, that is my commitment to him.

I'm, we're going to use a calendar book, two appointments a week set in concrete, and I'm not allowed to break more than one of those per month. That being said, those are my three rules. Those are my three rules to help me focus on boundaries and not allowing other people to take advantage of me.

Because in my constant pursuit for other people's esteem, I 100% did not give a fuck about what I wanted, did not give a fuck about what anybody important to me wanted if my phone rang I needed to be esteemable to that person so these are boundaries that I am taking on not only for my marriage not only for Tim but for me. So that I can realize what it is that is important to me and focus on it. i got this box from love and honey from sorry i got this box from love honey and oh my god am i excited i am doing a box opening and all the goodies inside, and I can't fucking wait.

And believe me when I tell you, I'm going to tell you about every single fucking one of these things that I pull out of this box. I am so excited for this box. I can't even begin to tell you. Um, but if you take a look at my, um, box opening on my socials, just let me remind you that if you go shop at Love Honey, you can use the promo code PINEAPPLE15 to get a 15% discount. I mean, win-win for everybody, right? So I am so freaking excited because like I ordered toys for me. I ordered toys for my husband. I ordered toys for both of us. I am so excited about what could possibly be in this box.

It's going to be so freaking fun. More to come on that, I promise. Hey. So here's the real all right 100 real 100 this is an actual fucking journey of a human being who's going through like this amazing opportunity to explore everything about her sexuality and everything about her husband's sexuality and as a couple are exploring oh god it sounds disgusting when I even say it out loud but here's the deal shit's gonna happen and this is a story about that, about shit happening. Um, all right. So I had a play date and I had a play date on over the weekend that we did anal. Okay.

I'll get more into that whole thing. And this is a story and I beg you if you have triggers to tread carefully, okay? I did anal over the weekend, and when you do anal, it tends to have a bit of a, it tends to have a bit of a thing, you know, a long lasting, let's get our alignment bit, like our GI tract back and alignment kind of effect, at least on me.

okay i for a couple of days am not like super regular or anything like that and my body tends to be like you did this thing you had fun well now here's the consequences so that's important to know going in so I went to my friend's house and I went right after work and there were a lot of things that were just a little bit off, a little bit not sexy, a little bit like, like I had toilet paper balls where, you know, toilet paper balls end up. And I wasn't super happy about that because they were found by my friend. And so now all of a sudden, I'm a little bit self-conscious. But you know what?

I'm powering through because this is the messiness of being fucking human. So we're playing.

And I mean, we are playing and we are going hard at each other and he is like fucking me in all these different positions and every fucking one of them is this like like really magnified experience he is fucking me hard I am fucking him back just as hard because both of us are there and we're trying to tear each other apart and it is magnificent i mean seriously it was some very good fucking so we went like when i first got there we did missionary and then he was like roll over and then we did we did doggy style and then we did laying down and then we did one leg up and then it was like we were moving through these motions and then I was off the side of the bed doing you know standing doggy and then let's get back on the bed and let's do missionary and we're doing missionary and he has fucked me to a point where my entire body is locked in on an orgasm for four solid fucking minutes.

I could not release my pelvic floor. Could not let go. It kept building and building and building, and it was fucking insanity. He and I are both covered in sweat. We're slipping and sliding all over each other, but for the love of fuck, my pelvic core is tight. I am boa constricting the fuck out of his dick. I am in the throes of an orgasm so deep that I shit. Not a lot. Just a little bit. But it was enough to make me realize that something had gone terribly, terribly wrong. and this is a fucking nightmare okay okay?

This is without a doubt the worst possible thing that any woman goes through, okay? It is terrifying. It is horrifying. It is without a doubt the worst, okay? This is not something that you recover from mentally. This is something that haunts you in your dreams. This is something that comes for you in the night, like a terror. And it did. It happened. And I can blame the anal. I can blame the four minute orgasm. Because here's the truth, man.

Every woman during labor during labor when she's pushing she's gonna shit on the table because all of that is really interconnected for women okay it's really like they're all right there if i use these muscles those muscles activate and this is my mortification okay so this is me in this moment realizing this terrible thing that i cannot undo i cannot hide this this is something that he sees now i've got i've got some plus sides okay i've got some bonus features we were using my waterproof blanket so i took my mess with me thank you and like but it is just let me just say it stopped everything I got up I took care of business I grabbed my blanket and I went home because even though we probably weren't done it was beyond mortifying it was beyond anything that like in that moment you don't know where to go because you don't know how the other person sees you you cannot for the life of you get inside that person's head and you like here's the deal I know he's probably giving me a lot more grace than I'm giving myself he is probably like and he literally said to me not the first time that's happened to me oh my god it's so like this guy is fucking literally fucking the shit out of people and it's not a warning he gives you it's not a warning to say hey if you've had anal in the recent past maybe let's not do this and here's the thing i have found a way to blame a lot of fucking factors i have found a way inside of my head to make all these little dots align to create the catastrophe that is this because here's the human brain for you okay we are looking for reasons why bad stuff happens so that we can in the future control that but here's the truth shit happens okay i'm having to work through this in a lot of different ways okay I'm having to work through the nightmares I'm having to work through the sudden thoughts in the middle of the day that haunt me I'm having to work through a lot of mental hurdles because this was seriously a fucking nightmare this was not something that anybody's ever like yeah nobody ever brags Thank you.

hurdles because this was seriously a fucking nightmare this was not something that anybody's ever like yeah nobody ever brags about the fact that they got the shit literally fucked out of them i am not okay with it and despite the fact that i am making it completely fucking public i'm not i'm still dealing with the mental aftermath of my in public I'm not I'm still dealing with the mental aftermath of my in like my utter humiliation my utter like the the haunts that come back to me the walking along in my day sipping coffee of a sudden thinking, why am I sipping coffee?

This might happen again. Like these are the kinds of things that are filtering through my brain badly. I am not a fan of any of whatever this all is. I'm not a fan of. so for me, I'm working through it. And believe me, I will be going back to therapy. You're welcome. But this is the kind of thing that like, I have to figure out how to give myself grace on. I have to figure out how to make this something that fucking happened.

Not some sort of, not some sort of statement of me and it's hard okay I'm not gonna fucking lie to you it's fucking hard it's hard to reconcile yourself to these things it's very fucking hard because this is embarrassing this is mortifying this is the kind of thing where you can literally envision this guy sitting around with his friends and chatting about it and it's just my god like the the deep there's heat inside of my body that is terrifying and like it's so not cool right now i am wow but that being said i'm fucking human and stuff like this is going to happen stuff like this is going to happen the more you journey into your sexual you reality there's gross shit that's gonna that's gonna go down like this is what you're talking about is body fluids and you're talking about and stuff is going to happen and because of that I am trying with all my might to work through it and not focus solely on my mortification because kind of guys this is a little bit funny too I mean Thank you.

to work through it and not focus solely on my mortification because kind of guys, this is a little bit funny too.

I mean, number of jokes that are coming out of this right now with me and my husband and like, it's, it's ridiculous that this is so shame inducing, but it is because this was not something I wanted to have happen because I'm sorry guys when you're in a position where you are being fucked by a man you're already super vulnerable and I'm already making a major fucking mess okay I'm already spraying things down so I want more I don't want to make more of a mess I don't want to be somebody who's known as this because it sucks oh my god it's so horrible so horrible but at the same time it's fucking human it's fucking human and it's okay sorry apparently I'm doing therapy here but I want to make sure that everybody's aware of the fact that in my journey there are bumps there are things that are going to happen and I don't necessarily think Thank you.

there are things that are going to happen and I don't necessarily think that just because something terrifyingly embarrassing happens to you that you give up on the journey because I would hate to think that this was the thing that kept me from playing with this guy again because it was a four fucking minute orgasm guys. Four fucking minutes. Four fucking minutes of my entire lower body being locked in on his anaconda of a cock. Being locked in on climbing another fucking peak after peak after peak. It was seriously going to be the biggest orgasm I think I've ever had. And it was cut short.

It was cut short by this terrifying incident. But I really hope that I'm able to get past it. I really hope that I'm able to move on from this. I really hope that I'm able to find the other side of the horror and the terror and the humiliation that has rained down upon my entire genetic line at this point. I really hope I'm able to get past it because it would kill me to think that this was the one thing that kept me from ever seeing this guy again because it was amazing athletic sweaty fucking panting sex it was the kind of sex that there are not enough fans to keep you cool.

There are not, like, it was powerful sex. And I'd really love to go back there and do it again. And I really hope that this doesn't stop me from seizing the moments. I hope that this doesn't haunt me to the point where I quit because that's also a possibility. Like I could let my fear take hold of me. I could let my fear and my embarrassment and my shame take over and keep me from something that I really, really want.

and I am really begging at this point my brain to just realize it was a mistake it was an accident wasn't planned hopefully we can not do it in the future and get past it because without a doubt it would be a tragedy it would be a fucking tragedy if I let this come between me and the things that I have discovered, the opportunities I have found, the fun I have created. I really, really hope that I can get past it.

And I really, really hope he he calls me again because that's another possibility that maybe he's grossed out and he doesn't want to play with me but I'll keep you posted on that front but here's the deal that's not going to be something I can fix that's not going to be a problem that I have any control over so I'm having to take that out of my control box. Like I don't control that. So this is, these are the mental gymnastics. And now you get to think about the fact that one millisecond of a moment could alter my ability to do something I find so much pleasure in. How is that for fucked up?

Thank you all so much for joining me today on the Pineapple Pinup, the Hot Wife Life podcast. I am always looking for people to reach out to me. The pineapple or pineapple pinup pod at gmail.com all of my socials are listed in the show description we have a new sponsor love honey if you are looking if you would like a discount go to love honey and use the code pineapple 15 to get 15 off all of your orders. It is kind of exciting, but I will trust me when I tell you I'm getting into that box. And when I get into that box, it is going to be so much fun.

But reach out to me, reach out to me if you have any comments, zingers because seriously if you have a joke that can come from this I would love to hear it because I would love to slap clap back at my husband even though I don't really have a problem with that but I'd still love to I'd still love the help so reach out to me anytime anywhere thank you so much for listening I'll see you next time.