Dating in the lifestyle

Transcript

Welcome to the Pineapple Pinup, the Hot Wife Life podcast. On today's podcast, I had Jeff's attention, so I used and abused him. We started talking about him having relationships within the lifestyle and the whole idea of dating in the lifestyle or coming from a single standpoint and starting to date in the lifestyle was super intriguing to me. So I took the time to figure some stuff out. Okay. So relationships when you're in the lifestyle, when you're single in the lifestyle. Yeah. Okay. Complicated. Complicated.

So let's go back and start with when we, we'd been hanging out for a very long time. Very long time. And you met a person at a party. Yes. Do you want to tell us who that was? This would be Kate. Okay. Yeah, I have Kate, right back on. And you and Kate had a very copacetic dynamic. Yeah. It was very fluid. It was very natural. It was very, you went and did what you did. She went and did what she did. And it was all very well communicated. Yeah. Thank you.

it was very you went and did what you did she went and did what she did and it was all very well communicated and there was not a lot of expectation of the other there was not a lot of drama and it was very fun and easy and that's the nice thing the nice side of it yeah that's the nice side about being in a quote-unquote relationship that you've found. A single lifestyle relationship. Exactly. That you found within the lifestyle. So you've attempted this sort of kind of. Sort of, yeah. You've started dating in a lifestyle. Yeah, definitely into the lifestyle.

I'm not going to say that you're in a relationship because I don't, I hate to define it as that yeah i don't necessarily like see it that way like maybe i should but again who's to say what you should feel i don't necessarily see it that way if you don't see it that way then that's that's the basis that we're going off of okay um now there is somebody that you have been dating fairly regularly playing spending time spending time with. Yes. And then there is another person from your past that you have.

Introduced more or less to the lifestyle kind of in a larger capacity than what they ever knew. Brought them into something deeper, more. And how, well, let's just be frank. That's not working out so great. No, it's, it's really not. Let's just, let's just be straight up. It's caused stress in not just my life, but a couple of other parties and questions lives. And I don't like that. Oh Lord.. So based on the fact that shit's weird. Okay. When you're, first of all, dating is hard. It's very hard. And that's what I think why I like fell.

Once I discovered the lifestyle and I got into it, it was one of those, I can gain my satisfaction from others and satisfy others without the necessity of being in a relationship. I was able to get those relationship E type things that I think I was needing without hard being a relationship because relationships are existing. Yes, they are. There's so much. And I mean, I'm married.

I completely know know exactly what you're talking about but there's certain aspects of you don't need to necessarily be weighted down with the emotional entanglements that come with um hardcore if you don't want to be yeah and the thing is you're dating in a very communication forward lifestyle, okay? Like one of the big things that everybody's doing is having conversations. What is it that you consent to?

So that being said, I feel like if you're dating in this environment it should make certain aspects easier but honestly it doesn't sound like it no it's kind of made them a bit more challenging it's it's i think it's created like more barriers with communication and with understanding than And it has created, you know, impasses and communication as a friendly team. Yeah. with communication and with understanding, then it has created, you know, impasses and communication as a friendly team. Yeah. It's not good.

And the other thing is, is that like, if you're in a relationship and you are basing your drama off of a Facebook status post, That says more about you than it says about the person you're in, you're dating. Yeah. Okay. So basically, let's kind of, I'm going to do a real quick rundown. There was a person from your past. Yes.

We'll call her B b yes she was um she you had found out that she was starting to get into the lifestyle and you wanted to bring her into the kind of the the tribe that you had found yeah like the the few party hosts that i like frequent and regular the few like regular playmates like you and a couple other other people, some other party hosts. I wanted to bring B into my side of the lifestyle. It's safe here. It's fun here. I've been having a great time. Meet these cool people. But at the same time, you have been seeing C. Correct.

And when I say seeing, you've been spending you've been playing yeah and spending time socially definitely with c so as b starts to enter she's using fat life the way a lot of people do where they start to declare this is my status this is this is my partner this is my this is our dynamic i'm in i'm owned by the house exactly yeah and that so from her side of it that kind of stemmed from another gentleman in the lifestyle that like not try to throw anybody but i've known i've heard of them to do this before which is they try to build up titled relationships and connections and statuses with people and she had just finished dealing with that with this guy and I remember like not trying to throw him under the bus but I told her like after it happened yeah I was kind of worried that this might happen so from that is when you know a status post was sent my way I just kind of, because I don't care, but I just kind of blindly accepted it.

Sure. Yeah, whatever. You get things from me and my husband all the time. Do you accept me in my photo? Like I just accept. So like, yes, if I'm in it, then yes, I'm in. I'm good. So I don't use that life like facebook on account of i don't even use facebook so you don't even use facebook like facebook so the thing is is that when you have these social um interaction platforms there are certain people who are going to take it more seriously and there's and there's others of are just going to be like, I'm in there to get my messages and get the fuck out. I'm there to review my schedule, okay?

I'm interested in several parties. I need to know which one I'm going to this weekend. Exactly.

So now you're in the midst of this where C is angry with B and then they're coming at each other and they're being snarky and now they're just blocked now yeah everyone's kind of blocked everyone's excommunicado i'm still the like glue linchpin the linchpin yeah i'm still the linchpin that's holding this fence together but so now now it's awkward conversations yeah now it's all of that communication that you thought was so out there and open open and good and everyone was having a good time sudden there's all these questions yeah and there's there's like there's need for more like serious communication instead of just like our normal day-to-, let's have our text conversations and send each other memes and this and that.

It turns into, hey, we're going to need to talk later. Okay, cool. We'll talk later. Which creates pressure. It creates unease. It's like I'm not as excited to go and have a one-on-one and communicate than I was before. Because one of the big things I do know about you is that you're a great communicator. Thank you very much. I'm not as excited to go and like have a one-on-one and communicate than I was before. Because one of the big things I do know about you is that you're a great communicator. You're a great person.

You're somebody who is very empathetic and very in the emotional space of whatever's going on. So the fact that you're now in this emotional emotional turmoil you're an emotional blender i feel really bad because that's not the kind of place that you should be yeah and it's not really where i want to be like i want to be this didn't need to even be an emotional blender this is was something, because there was absolutely no reason for anyone to expect that you were other than. Yeah, like whatever like happened online, as far as I'd seen, no dynamic had changed.

Nothing was different besides a few bits of code on a web page that has my screen name on it like that's really all that changed and now a lot i think has changed or like a lot has changed that i haven't had dialogue yeah and like an emotional hornet's nest are the worst so it keeps thinking so what is your what is your desired relationship look like and i mean i'm not asking you to pinpoint anything i'm just saying in the general scheme of things how do you see your life in five years relationship wise that's a tough one oh oh stuffer it's a tough one i mean like i'm still navigating it like traditional dating was never fun for me and i think like from my parents or from my like marriage doesn't appeal yeah it doesn't appeal it doesn't and i know it's real but it doesn't feel real for to me like i think i'd love to have someone or people that i can share like intimate important moments with and converse with but you mean like new year's eve similar similar something like that something like that but i mean i don't know i just i still see myself just wanting to foster like good moods for myself as well as other people like i i'm open to sharing i'm open to you know being part of other people's dynamics without holding other people down or being someone's expectation right and i love the fact that you you are emotionally fulfilled through so many aspects of your life yeah that the lifestyle is something where you go to get just one more piece of the connection pie it's kind of my escape in a different form of connection that I relish in.

And then I can go back to my day-to-day life. Exactly. Where you're taking responsibility for a lot of things and a lot of people's emotional well-being, but this is an escape where it kind of feeds your well-being. Yeah. And it's kind of stifling it, I feel, at the moment. Yeah. But that's okay. Because here's the thing. I don't think any, I don't think B or C expect you not to be out there playing. Right? I mean, that's like...

The full expectation is that you are out out there i've been in this lifestyle the same way for as long as i have been i think it was 2019 is when i like found fet like i was always mentally in the lifestyle but didn't find my people until i found fet life in like late 2019 early, early 2020. Okay. So like over six years. Over six years now. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, that's, um, trust me, when I found FetLife, it was, um, it was explosive. Yeah. Now, mind you, I found FetLife in various, they're in various ways. In like, I found it way before my husband and I started using.

And I was using it to foster a lot of the fantasies and a lot of the writing that I was doing. Okay, yeah.

And I was using it in ways um because of the fact that i was uh i had a lot of traumas growing up and i needed to find people who understood my like-minded people to share your thoughts with and that i could write and get it out of me and have an audience to yeah i did tell them and tell me you're good you're you're okay you're fine everything's okay and that was important to me and then after i had used it as a writing platform um it caused a lot of drama in my life and then i kind of had to pull back and stop but then when my husband and i finally got on the same page when my husband and i finally started doing our lifestyle fat life was one of those things that gave him a vocabulary he was able to search and figure out his feelings with words exactly and he was also able to write out what he was expecting write out what he was looking for and get an audience for that and find the same community so as far as i'm concerned using fat life like facebook is fine if that's what you want but the thing is is that we should take it as seriously as we take facebook which is not at all not at all it's a joke the there are certain things that mean something and there are certain things that don't the interpersonal interaction is really what means something yes and when you're sitting face to face with somebody it's kind of like when we were talking about splash where you're like yeah i i enjoy online conversations but i can't remember what I can't remember who I was talking to.

There's not enough connective tissue when you're doing the online stuff for me to consider it anything more than just a fantasy being played out with multiple people participating. So when you're talking about the interpersonal, when you're talking about the interpersonal when you're talking about the relationship matters when you're talking about dating or whatever what's happening face to face is what you should be basing whatever it is on now mind you my husband will often come to me after i've done a podcast and say huh can, can we talk about that? Can I pick your brain on that?

Why are you, why are you taking my stream of consciousness as anything other than like my stream of consciousness? In that moment. Think of it like Facebook, okay? But, but that's kind of, but it's one of those things where, yes, there's times when you're going to get a little bit more real on FetLife. Yeah, yeah. And there's, but that's not a status post. That is not a relationship in. Especially because FetLife is such a like, it doesn't encompass all of every aspect of my life.

It's the little piece of my life that I slide away from most people so yeah it really matters that much a little bit yeah yeah it's it's a sliver and it's it's got nothing to do with your family and your day-to-day life and my work or anything like that yeah it's mostly how you keep track of your weekends yeah really that's really it i can perv out a little bit but and i think like through fat like i've learned more but but like i'm very certain i'm more of an ethically non-monogamous person like i will ethically be non-monogamous probably forever forever like and it's less so polyamory and it's one of those i started to understand the difference more like polyamory is more established relationships with multiple people which i just don't know that i have the emotional wellspring to give but being an ethically non-monogamous allows me to be within myself but also go and have these moments of shared love and interaction.

No, when your battery is drained enough to not have to give it away. You know, whereas like a polyamory, you do. You still have to emotionally be available. I have to be emotionally available to my husband because that's what our relationship is about.

He has to be emotionally available me and when he's top-tiered relationship and he's cranky and he comes at me in some kind of way because i needed his emotional like battery at that moment and he didn't have it to give it's going to cause some conflict you're avoiding that by saying when i have my emotional battery i will go and share it and give and receive in that moment and i think that's a very understandable way to see your life going especially if like because like i said you have people who you can share the big things with yeah you have people like me and my husband who are like yay jeff and you have people like b and c who while they may not speak to one another they're still there to feed your emotion yeah i can still vent and offload x y and z and everything to all of them and all of you and yeah still be satisfied but go home to my cats at the end of the day like i spend my job is community based like i'm on all day so there are days where i just want to come home and recluse and and you want to be because here's the thing there everybody has a social battery and tim was very very apparent at uh splash that he did not have us the same social battery as everyone yeah that you and i had because he was very much like i need to go and i think by the third day mine was in yeah i like i i tried to fight it and i realized midday i was like oh man i don't i don't think i have a social in me and then like literally we spent that entire evening sitting in front of the bar with just chatting with like three other people because that's where it was that's like it was so much fun but oh my god it was a lot so um but that being said i applaud the fact that you are trying to navigate yeah like because anybody who treats the lifestyle like tinder it's awful that's terrible i mean based on some of the messages that i know a lot of the ladies about that's what it is yeah weirdly enough for guys and and why y'all gotta do that don't make us look oh yeah no but um i guess if you're on fet it's not so much an unsolicited dick pic.

Yeah. You sort of wanted to see it. It was coming eventually. Oh, my gosh. Which dick and when it was coming, unsure. But it was coming. But, yeah, no, I really appreciate the fact that this is something that you are endeavoring to try to work through. Yeah. And I find it fascinating. I really do. The fact that you are taking on so many different roles in that one, it's got layers. It's got layers. Which I never expected. It's the wedding cake of fucking.

I not expect i but i mean over the i think i did always want to find like a click of people in the lifestyle that i could like buy with more so when i first started i was going to a lot of random parties and then i found like a premiere host and i was going to all of their parties and from there I met a number of different couples and I started to really play with them and over the years it's getting more like I found Kate now I found C now I found B but I still want to just kind of live the melting pot life that is this lifestyle like making my circle smaller and smaller and smaller when I wanted it to still be tribe.

Yeah. But that's the great part about it is that just because things got smaller doesn't mean they can't grow again. And you know how to go about growing it. As a matter of fact, we're throwing more people into your circle. That's very true.

So, I mean mean i appreciate the fact that this is a very rough um dynamic like i can't even imagine what dating to be like i was not good at it when i was out there and i was single and i was trying and as soon as i found my husband and we lasted more than three weeks i was like okay i'm sorry this is mine now this is i've licked it so like i completely understand that i wasn't great at dating from jump i cannot imagine trying to date when everything is online based because that's not how i do no i like i i found vet life through hinge and some girl on hinge which i feel like you wouldn't expect it to be the app to like find kink but right me being you know bored on my bed scrolling through dating apps well like i don't i'm not really planning on using this but i scrolled past some girl that had her vet life information linked and i was like what's vet life did a week and a half of research to make sure it wasn't ashley Thank you.

Yay. Just fangirling over you for a couple months. That's still so weird to me like because it was really funny okay so when we first met like literally we he balls deep big smile huge fan what are you talking about but i didn't even know you were a huge fan until i had you record on the podcast like months later and i was like wait a second it's so funny to me because a lot of people will come to parties to meet me because of the fact that my husband has made it very very clear we only meet at parties if you would like to become a playmate meet at parties.

And I think it was because of you that he started that. And I think it was one of those, like, I was playing, like, with people that really only seem to be local. So when I noticed that you were, like, a bit farther away from me, I was like, well, people from that far away don't come up and travel and have parties up here. Of course they do. Of course they do. There's nothing happening where I am. It's been down there.

It was there it was a wasteland so yeah when our mutual friend was like hey i'm hosting with uh this person i'm on the way i'm on the way listen i will be camped out in front of this place until you get there that was that was um but that for me you started a lot of things rolling in how my husband approaches it. So maybe how you guys branched out and started connecting with more. And you are seriously like, well, how would, it's like, how would Jeff do it? You know, so yeah.

So, um, you are a massive factor in the relationship that we have built and i do appreciate it and i love the fact that you are like that we're close enough yeah an hour hour and a half is not far it was really funny because my husband was saying um jeff is one of those people that if you died he would come to your funeral oh that's a. I think that's a weird way to look at it. But at the same time, it's so accurate. That's a percent. Yeah, no. I mean, if anything happened to you, I would be there, you know? So it doesn't matter how the relationship built. It's still a fucking relationship.

And it may not look like other people's relationships but it's our relationship it's ours it's kind of it's ours and that's what ethical non-monogamy i think gives you yeah is the ability to build relationships in different in different ways and not have to like i think invest other people's emotional energy into it It's you can have it you can tune it to your own and then you can go to the next one and have that tune energy exchange and the next one and have that tune energy exchange exactly and there's no expectation if we can make it happen we make it happen if we can't make it happen i will see you soon enough i I will see you when I see you.

I will arrange a podcast. Podcast AP. Podcast AP. Good work to do. Oh my gosh. So thank you for sharing that with us though. You're very welcome. Awesome. Yay. Thank you so much for joining me today on the podcast um as always you can reach out to me at pineapple pinup pod at gmail.com um and definitely go visit my friends over at uh privateadventures.net let them know i sent you with the promo code PINEAPPLEPINUP10. Also, check out my Patreon. Really appreciate that. It's ever-changing, ever-growing. And thank you for all of the support. Thank you.