Krazy Truth about Swinging #259 The distractions during Sex

Transcript

hey kids the program you're about to listen to contains some adult situations adult language themes and other adult topics if you're easily offended this show's not for you hey you crazy motherfuckers welcome back to another edition of crazy truth about swinging i'm the host withull, who can't fucking see. I'm both the lovely, lovely, and quite tired Miss Amanda. Hey. She's the booty call girl. We're here to tantalate and titillate you. We'll talk about our adventures in just a little bit. I guess I can't talk any shit this time. Anywho. No, you cannot.

This is season six, for those of you following along at home. Episode 259, you know what that means? Next week is a what? A milestone now. A milestone now. A 250, 260. 260, yeah. I don't know if it's really a milestone. Is that really a milestone? Not really, but I like to pretend it is. I had lots of milestones this week. I think it was a good way. Not very often you have three fucking miles on your dick in one day. I did. Anyways, we'll get to that in a minute.

So, our sponsors which we have a lot i'm a fucking complete horn i love my life so we uh we've got exciting announcements coming i'm you know i'm gonna let's get out of the bag just like let's do our regular sponsors first quick a shout out to our sponsors asm lifestyle magazine you know what three million readers can't be wrong if you want to know what's going on in the adult world that's like porn or the swinging world that's kind of what we do asn lifestyle magazine is the place to be don't forget you can vote now for the asn awards twice a day count them twice a day between now and june 30th you want to go to asn lifestyle magazine awards.com we want to win three fucking awards.

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We actually have some other sponsors coming online too here soon. We'll let those know. Well, as things get closer. So what did you do last night? Nothing like texting somebody going, you want a booty call that's right literally so do you want a booty call it's a first that's a brand new thing for you but the thing is is you picked him up from the he was gone for a week week and a half whatever he was gone for a week many many moons and i picked him up at the train station at 5 a.m your lo. Your loins were longing. We went back to his place.

Broke in the fucking, again, yeah, hit it on the air mattress. But he got tired on you during round two, three? Round two. Round two, he got tired. He's like, oh, no, I am kind of tired. I'm not. Come on. I'm still horny. Fine. You're allowed to sleep. So you made it up. You let him get rest. So then I hit him up the next day and said, hey. Hey. Well, what it was was you were going to the bar to meet some friends. I was. And I'm like, I cannot go to the bar and get up at 4 a.m. You could have. No, you got back at 2.30. I did. 2.15. Tune T easy.

I came home and did your dishes so they'd be clean for you in the morning. Thank you. Went down to my office and then got into bed. Had to get the dog out of my bed. and then you were yapping at me. You were chatting with me. Because I did get home a little late. But you knew that there was a chance I was going to get home a little late. Well, I knew you would. It's not that big a deal. It kind of was. We're going to talk about it because it was a first. Twelve fucking years in, it was a first. There you go. Rock on? Well, no. not necessarily rock on.

It was kind of like, what the hell just happened there? And seriously, it wasn't bad, but it was just like... What the hell just happened? Look, there's very rarely that you're going to give me a situation and be like, huh, well, this is... I made comments multiple times this course of the evening that how surreal the events were. Okay. And that is bizarre. I mean, that's at 12 years. This is that whole don't think so you've seen it all. But no. Sure. Sure haven't, pumpkin. Okay. So, yeah. And I had a good day. And I'm sore today. I am sore. Well, tell us why you're sore. Because I work out.

I work out. I do ab workouts. Crunches, to be specific. Crunches and crunches. Are we sure it's crunches or thrusts? It's a little of both. But you know what it's not? There's no clowning around. I get right after it. So, thank you. Yeah, so what was bizarre was. I had a water bottle. I'd squirt you. What was bizarre, or what's not bizarre, but what was really fun is I had. Monday mornings aren't very productive for me.

No, it's not not it's a great it's a blast uh i have a wonderful wonderful time it's it's you know some people go i can't adult i take my mental health breaks a little bit different and i involve my penis i tried we talked about it beforehand i tried to drop in because he goes you might actually want to hear it and i'm like okay so i dropped in and all i heard was a dog whining which honestly here's the deal like oh well i can't hear shit here's this here's another first we've had consistently had have had dogs for the last 25 years yeah okay never i've had dogs whimper we have vocal dogs whatever i've never had dogs howl never we've never had dogs howl are you sure that just wasn't just a whine no no it was a fucking howl because it went on for quite a while and it was like oh my god the dogs because they weren't they were left out of the room and they literally I'm like oh my god the dogs are howling luckily I was able to fight through the distraction stay focused and I'm here at work with an earphone going so okay so what we're going to do so everybody knows there was not like we weren't sneaking so people didn't know no the person knew that there was a chance but what we'll do next week which we may switch to a tuesday just for fun but what we'll do next week is i'm going to move the alexa actually in the room okay so this way this way you can hear accordingly so can i start dropping message get them get them i would you know here's deal.

You can because you know damn good and well that if I was doing it, I'd be like, tap that, hit it, go. I would be all over that shit. Smack that ass. Smack it, smack it, harder, harder. I would be all over that shit. Okay, but I have coworkers around me going, what the fuck are you doing? Which is even funnier. Tell them that you're listening. I think Cole's cheating on me. No, I absolutely, yeah, No, you got to listen. Yeah, you can do that. Because I'm going to crack jokes. Look, I cannot help myself but to crack jokes. I crack jokes if it's just me and a play partner, I crack jokes.

When do you not crack jokes? Well, I know, but it's inappropriate. Later in the night, at the second event that was unplanned, I actually managed to fuck up an orgasm for people because I crack jokes. So it's what I do, which is really actually super funny to me. There's nothing, look, if you're ever hooked up with a couple and people are like, oh, we're going to fucking, we want to do like the same couple as well. Okay, great. Rock on.

I'm warning you now i crack jokes i have been the another guy's wife and i have been kicked out of a room because we were laughing and cracking jokes it's what's gonna happen a friend of mine and i have managed to fuck up an entire night of us fucking of a swap because him and i started talking Star Wars references because I was eating a pussy and it sounded like Darth Vader. And then the lightsaber jokes and the Death Star, whatever. So just no going into it. If there's anything that can sidetrack, it's not about penis size. People go, oh, how do you deal with penis and all that? No.

If you want to find out how good you are at sex in in a group setting you cannot get distracted you have to do it with me in there because even if i'm not participating i'm gonna crack jokes if i am participating or you think i'd be focused on the fucking i'm gonna crack jokes in fact if i start to sweat on somebody, I'm like, oh, God, sorry, I'm drowning. It is what it is. So just put that in your web drawer and smoke it. Just saying. So anyways, yeah. Oh, boy. It was a great time.

So actually, the show tonight, we're going to talk a little bit about I have a whole new level of appreciation I'll see a GoPro on me, too, when I'm fucking... Do it. And I'll be yelling to them out, Rock in the boat! Tied away! At the end of last week, well, Friday, I'm like, you're like, let's go in the bedroom. I'm like, fuck yeah! I had just gotten dressed, stripped my ass back down. I said, here's my phone. Yeah, I'm like, what? Record this. Okay, hold on. As long as there's no finger puppets. Hey, I only get finger puppets out on special occasions. Hello. It just is. It is what it is.

No, you're not allowed. Huh? You're not allowed. You know why you can't use finger puppets when you're having sex? What? Because what if all of a sudden you lose one? Wait a minute. Nobody moved. Did you lose a contact? No, I lost a finger puppet. I started with five. We only had four. I'm just saying. Nobody wants that phone call later going, hey, I think I found your finger puppet. Just saying. What the fuck? Yeah. Okay. So, all right. So. So. Yeah. Look. Here's.

so so yeah look here's a point of view just get me from behind let's go and it goes like this and then cold breathing i am 289 pounds i don't care how big you know what that is look if you have steady hands buddy listen to me if you had a grizzly bear fucking, you know what it's going to sound like? Like it's wheezing for air. I told a guy I've been flirting with whatever, I said, hey, here's the deal. You know, I don't flirt with shit, but I fuck decent, whatever. And she asked me if I was loud, and I said, I sound a lot like a bull.

A lot of snorting and grunting, but I'm pretty sure it's sexy.

we tell a lot about me on this show okay there are people listening that i would like to stick my penis in at some point in time let's hope we don't scare them away with the fact that i sound like a fucking like i'm stroking out you don't want to sound like you're stroking out well i mean look i'm going to you but let's surprise them with that let's catch them off guard with it let's not have them going into it going thinking they need like an oxygen mask ready for me oh by the way i don't sweat at all bring a towel uh oh my god there was a huge wet spot did she squirt no fucking goofy so i put the video on and it had a little movement but you're like just kind of breathing heavy and i thought all i put was was camera fail as a title great i make the but i gotta but that ass was bouncing but that ass was bouncing but i'm gonna have to buy the camera they show the woman like running doing the track thing running with her kid and it's like it's all bouncing, but then it automatically levels it out.

I need one of those. It's our fucking camera. Are you sure your phone doesn't have it, and I just never turned it on? I have no fucking... I have no idea. I never looked for the fucking... Orgasm, leg, cramper, stroke, flip a coin. I've never... Oh, shit. I've never looked for the fucking sex feature. I've never looked for the one that says, like, when banging, turn here. The thing is, we just need tripods everywhere. Whatever. No shit. You know what it's going to look like if I have a selfie stick? It's going to look like a fucking weapon in her arm. It's going to be horrible. Rodeo 9.

Okay, so here's the deal. We talk about the fact, the the reality of it is that it is hard enough in the lifestyle when you start fucking in a group setting and everybody's fucking. Right. Right? There's sounds, there's snorting, there's slobber and spittle going everywhere. Spittle. There's sounds of, there's sounds of.

You can't hear that that you just spit all over the place there's sounds of that everywhere going on right so and then there's sounds of cold cracking jokes and whatever all of those things are challenging enough right yeah i'm trying to make it there's sounds of cold cracking jokes and whatever. All of those things are challenging enough. Right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm trying to make it. There's sounds of Miss Amanda trying not to swallow on a cock and drown herself. Okay. There's all this stuff. But everybody's participating. So everybody's equally distracted.

Do you want to know what, okay, on porn what it looks like is everybody's focused on the chick they're fucking or the guy they're fucking. In real life, true swinger group sex, do you want to know what it looks like is everybody's focused on the chick they're fucking or the guy they're fucking. In real life, true swinger group sex, you want to know what it looks like? Everybody close your eyes and picture this for just a second. Picture a nature program and like groundhogs or prairie dogs.

Because what it is, a whole bunch of guys going looking around, they're hearing sounds, everybody's got their head up, you're supposed to be fucking Thank you.

prairie dogs because what it is a whole bunch of guys going looking around they're hearing sounds everybody's got their head up you're supposed to be fucking the girl in front of you or the guy in front of you but you're looking around to hear what the sound is it's like we're all looking for a snake to come in somewhere i did not because we're distracted no because i think it's easier for women because usually hopefully you just have your head. Well, if it's a group setting, you either have a ball sack right here on your forehead or you have a dick in your mouth or you're looking down.

There's other distractions, right? For guys, we're supposed to be focusing on your back and your ass.

But the bottom line is when we see some chick going, and we hear, we're going to look at hear the sound of we're gonna look at it when we hear the sound of squish we're gonna look at it when the girl screams bloody murder we're gonna look at it so when you get a group of like five couples doing that there's a lot of fucking sensory overload happening right and and the whole time you got to stay focused because otherwise you slip out and you break a dick or you shove your dick up her ass or into her leg or some other weird thing not to mention as somebody mentioned earlier there's the occasional man down to cramp you try to help a brother out there's just a lot of shit plus people are hungry you need snacks just saying and that's hard enough right but you involved with it.

After last night, what I can tell you, trying to fuck around when there's people just watching, right? They're just watching. But they're really close. They're like close. But they're just watching. No intention of doing anything other than watching. So you're like, instantly you become so self-conscious it's not even funny. And on top of it, they'll be talking along in conversation, and you hear Rin thing. We know that I can't stay focused for anything, right? Yeah.

So all of a sudden, it's late, it's after the bar, and I'm hungry because, you know, I always wanted to always want to do snacks and i didn't last night either and all of a sudden they're talking about like cooking chicken nuggets and all of a sudden you hear that and so then i get butterfly and i'm like chicken nuggets you know i'm doing the the program chicken nuggets you try to get back to focus and they're talking and so it's background noise and all of a sudden it goes and all you hear is now here's the deal when you're the only two laying on the bed and you're going to do anything you know exactly at that moment in time you're the topic of conversation and based upon the angle they have here's what they're looking at if they look up my legs, they're looking right up my ass, which I'm sure is super sexy, right?

Or they're basically, they have the worst view angles. It's not like they're getting the great seats. They're getting these weird seats with these weird angles. And so all of a sudden, what you feel like is kind of like a porpoise rolling around on the beach. And you're just like, doo, and you're putting on a show, but you like, yeah, it's just, it is, and they were very nice. Do you want to sleep? No, this is fine. And it's just distracting, but it's not distracting.

And you're trying to stay focused, and then somebody like me, I start laughing, because to me, it becomes absolutely hysterical in the whole thing, and what added a layer of challenge was they were trying to help. I've never had valet clothes before. Go ahead and ask it. Go ahead and ask it.

it well i'm trying to picture it so each piece of clothing comes off they hand it to them for you to pile up and they give it to you when you're done no it's it was high end i told them it was the best high end place i've ever been to so they took them off of you they were they were all of a sudden they're like here let me take your boots off for you okay that's fucking lock on that's right man hates doing it go for it but but so at one point because it was kind of close i kind of had my shirt somehow or another got myself tangled in my own shirt and and they have people helping me and stuff it's just surreal as the room this size it felt like yeah it was very tight at one point in time i was getting my dick sucked and i was getting a leg massage at the same time i did not have but it felt wonderful okay so back up how many people were in the room um one two three four five five people in the room and it was it was awesome but it was just my shit wasn't going to work because at this point in time i'm just i'm just kind of amused and overwhelmed but what it made me think and realize is how challenging it is when you're being watched and actually i say porn stars but obviously porn stars are used to it But it made me think back and remember how overwhelming it can be when you're being watched.

And actually, I say porn stars, but obviously porn stars are used to it. But it made me think back and remember how overwhelming it can be when you're new in the lifestyle to have the sensory overload. You dealt with that a lot. I did. And that's honestly, we lost like half our crimes, like Coles is on a rampage. That's actually what the show is about. It's understanding, okay, when people go, everybody asks us, how can we help you? So that's what I want to talk about. How can you really help someone when they are so sensory overload?

Because if you think back to when you were new, and the first time you were in a group group and i don't mean like the fucking 25 person orgy type scenario that we've never been in but you know i mean even like but kind of kind of but even like two or three couples when all of a sudden you really feel like it's hard to convince somebody that you're not no one's paying attention to you because you feel like everybody is staring at you and so how do you do that so we got what do we got for comments i'm trying to uh amen group sex totally overloads my sensors earplugs and horse blinders shit stops working members i want horse blinders i will still put on horse blinders i would do it now you have to remember there were times i walked up to you put my hands next to your eyes so you couldn't see yes to get in your face to get you to to focus yes yes because it it's but when you're new i i i think my biggest thing is it was the first time in a long time and and it blew the group away that i was so enamored with the situation or that i was so blown away by the situation they kept going they kept going 12 years the shit you've seen and we have seen and done a lot of stuff but it's just you are it it is you so feel like you are when you feel like people are watching you here's the reality were they really just staring at us i i have no idea when they were whispering probably but i they were having conversations so i don't it's not like they're just like you know staring at us but you you mind fuck yourself to believe you they are you totally it's like oh my god i mean i was like they're like i i think i had one till the valet service got my underwear all the way off i mean it was like at my knees forever today i mean it's just like at your knees i didn't strip myself at all that's and what's really funny is when they when we're leaving to find my clothes you'd have thought i'd throw them all over because i had like socks over here and different people think they're piled all over okay kind of weird just a total side note but it's just that's something so how do we help it's not okay it sounds like a nightmare okay honestly on the female aspect of it you don't have to get a hard on no you can lay there and you can fake it or you can focus on what's going on somebody can spit on you if you need something to get wet or you can participate and while you're getting fucked reach over and grab a tit or which by the way it was hot because at one point i'm making out here i'm gonna get another second in my dick and that was cool and whatever.

But it was just, yeah. No, I think it's a guy. For me, it wasn't, it didn't not work last night because of embarrassment or anything else. It was just sensory. It was just, I got so enamored with the situation. I mean, I got so butterflied. It wasn't even funny. And the whole time. I can totally see it. Do you know what I said the whole time? I said it four times, this is going to make a podcast. And the whole time, I was actually thinking about the podcast, going, how can we use this to help people? Which is not the right focus when someone has your dick in their mouth.

But, I mean, it got so many hard because I had to tell one girl, no giggling with my dick in the mouth. And, of course'm cracking jokes and they're like if you crack jokes we're gonna keep laughing with your dick in our mouth whatever but it's just one of those things it just made me realize the cool thing about doing the show is you think back to it makes you go back to when you were new and go okay how can we better help people well I know when you used to get overloaded, I would be like, let's switch.

And I would go over and try to get you out of your head because by that point in time, you're in your head. Right. But what I want to do is how can you start it better to get... Most guys, once they get it going, they're fine. Like, once your dick's hard, once you've stuck it in somebody or somewhere... It can go limp. It can, but once it gets going, it's usually okay. It's the starting of it. It's like before I had my CPAP machine. This is the greatest example ever. What the fuck? Before I started having my CPAP machine, it was a race.

You had to fall asleep before I went to bed because if you didn't, I was going to come in. I was going to snore so loud that I was going to suck you across the bed into my nose. And you knew that as everybody around me knew that, right?

So the thing it's the same thing if you how do you help the new people get going first because if the experienced people are going no worries and the new person is overwhelmed and caught off guard it's like you almost want to you almost need to start the orgy in in heats everybody who's been at two months or less raise your hand okay you guys start you know it's just like like building lane assignments well if you think about the first official one that we were part of you know it wasn't like everybody went to the basement and stripped their clothes and started going at it i don't know you were so far ahead down the stairs but your clothes coming off i don't know what happened i was going let's go so amanda's leading the charge and down we went and started fucking before even another couple came down right right but once everybody got down that one actually went going pretty good okay wait a minute we'll get it uh okay wait a minute i don't want you to watch that's's not the problem.

Nuh-uh. And this show serves as a guide to help us that haven't experienced something you guys haven't given us an image of what to expect. I don't know if that's always necessarily good. We try. I'm just saying. Because not everybody gets overloaded. I don't want to plant anybody's seeds. No, don't panic thinking that every orgy you're going to walk into, you're going to freak the fuck out. No, no. I mean, but I hope they have snacks. Just like playing the 18th hole when it's next to the clubhouse at an outing. Focus on the balls or ball. Absolutely.

I can start good, but part with you, I get it in my head. Yeah, absolutely. It's not even about being new in the lifestyle. And that's true.

Part of it is, here's the weird part about being a guy, i don't know this thing for women or not going off of like what shannon said you can be in the middle of it right and everything's going good and it's fucking hot and it's awesome and whatever and then all of a sudden it like hits you that like you're getting to you're getting this pussy and you going to get to get that pussy and your wife is getting those two dicks and somebody's swinging off the rafter having monkey sex and it's fucking, and all of a sudden it just, like, cascades of, like, the realism of where you're at.

It's like, I have waited this for my entire life. And all of a sudden, oh, shit. Because you got so instantly overloaded. Can that happen to women? I wish you wouldn't look like somebody who hit you in the head. I kind of go, oh, yeah, yeah. When I do that, yeah. We don't have to do shit, but just lay there. Then why do you bitch about threesomes and it's so much work? What the fuck?

Because it's dividing your attention equally so somebody doesn't feel left out i've explained this anyway yeah but you can put on a show of getting on and riding you know making it trying to make it sex that wasn't but i mean you could try if you're not a member of our youtube channel after this episode i strongly recommend it just saying okay so you can get on you can ride you can use lube and then they won't know the difference if you but most of the time your body kicks in a natural lubrication anyway you don't even have to be turned on if you just if you just slather the person up they won't know enough just slather them up and slide around pretty much they can slip inside that's why porn stars use a lot of lube so i hear And it could because the dicks are this big Three wet candles Okay so But in all honesty I really truly believe That like I think I've come up with a system here to help, like, you have to slow start orgies.

That's what it is. I think, so, okay, so I think this could even apply for a couple situation, right? If you're playing with a new couple. You know, like, we're old and experienced, you have a new couple. So, we learned this, and where is it coming from?

The very first threesome that we ever tried to set up for your birthday the problem was you were sucking his dick first and i was fucking you first which is the wrong order to do things because but i sucked his dick for two hours because it wouldn't get hard right he wasn't gonna start off fucking me no but the thing is is i started we you started to bother i started fucking you and then he got enamored with what was going on and it's like it's i think that that it's i think the challenge when you start like within when you with a couple same room is that you're like you're either on the same bed or bed right next to each other and it's almost like you need to like put up a sheet and start slowly and work into the nobody stick anything in anybody until we're in the same room but work our way in how about facing away from each other what I'm saying is it slows somebody like me down because the problem is i mean unlike this weekend where you were just on a kissing spree but in most situations i'm the one that usually runs amok and then as soon as we get in there you know it's because i heard fucking hammered apparently her and i are to the like fucking stage and and you're having to slow roll it with the guy and so well we actually had an instance like that.

Yes, we did. Where we were on one bed and you were on the other bed. You were facing away from us and going to town. I mean, there was no hesitation. Y'all were on it. And I'm sitting there with the guy. And the guy is just kind of looking at me. And I'm like sucking his dick. And he's just looking at me and looking over and looking at me and looking over. I'm like, okay. And I'm like, I'm not going to keep doing this. He goes, no, it's not going to work. We didn't even make it like all the way through the room. No, y'all were, she was naked before she ever got to the bed and there it was.

And we still had clothes on. I'm like. Okay, hold on, pause. Quick halftime. Hey, would you like to hear this show on a different platform, something cool, awesome, a platform that's changing the way that you listen to Lifestyle? I bet you would. And you know what? We love being on that platform. Full Swap Radio.

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That was a horrible one. Yes, it was. That was the worst one. We should edit that out, but we're not going to. No. We don't edit. You get what you get. No shit. So, okay, yes.

The problem is, going back to where we're at before that horrendous commercial played is the fact that it it ties into how we flirt that's the problem okay how do we flirt well you and the guy usually are logical and just have a normal conversation and me and the girl usually fucking have mentally fucked six or seven times before we ever get to the room so then when we get there it's like You know the Tasmanian devil And shit's flying all over and shit Usually me and the guy aren't much of chatters And y'all are just like sexting all over the place And I'm just like okay So what we need to do is have a time rule thing.

That'd be horrible. A time rule. Yeah, that'd be horrible. Oh, you have to wait so long. You cannot put your penis anywhere in her for at least 15 minutes. So it'd be sitting there like watching an egg timer. Could you go limp though? Waiting? It depends how specific we made those rules.

We may just be able to go, you you know mouths are okay probably it would it would throw me off but that the problem is it i think it can throw new people off the other way we've been there it it is sometimes it's great because you don't when you're new you don't have time to think about it so you're just like fuck stick my penis somewhere but sometimes you have too much time to think about it. So you're just like, fuck, stick my penis somewhere. But sometimes you have too much time to think about it, and that's bad, too. This swaying thing is really hard. That's the way it's supposed to be.

One last night. Anyway, so that's, I just, if you could just find a way to help people. I think that it can be so overwhelming, and it's part of it. You can't. I mean, earplugs was a great suggestion. But you probably should do that. But you can't. That would help times. Okay, but remember, when we used to cam on AFF, you used to put earphones in to tune what out? I don't really know.

Because it was just you and i in the room because i would i so when i was in college i was fucking maybe a whore in college hard to tell don't know for sure we're not commenting i would i would listen to music so if i'd you know i'd be drunk usually and pick some girl up and whatever, and so I would have music going. So, for me, seriously, and I've done this when I was having all, before I started taking testosterone, years ago, when I was having issues, like, before the acupuncture.

Literally, I could put sunglasses on, I could put earphones on, and have, like, shit, you know, the door is playing or some shit like that. And I could fuck way better, because I could go back in, like, my own world somewhere. It was almost like I went back in time. That's what it was, and honestly, it, what it did, it dehumanized the situation. Like, for me, and I think there's the challenge with the lifestyle, is that you don't want to dehumanize it in terms of because that is your wife or significant other or that's somebody else's wife or significant other.

So, you know, we don't want to be the dirtbags like that. It's not just a piece of meat, right?

But if you could do that, if every, if when, when I go to that place where it's just it like picking somebody up from college days go to that place i don't ever have to a woman dick never have okay so shannon's like you mean i shouldn't sex her before getting together that is not what i'm saying saying some of us suck at it so we just don't do it i can't do it to save my life someone goes just sex me i'm like what am my creativity in my brain to tell you what the fuck i want to do is not there you know what's the worst i can send you pictures and i'll flirt that way but to verbalize it she'll be like cole what do i say here and i'm like sexy and forward that's awkward so we don't do that we used to do that when we first started.

A couple of times I'm like, what the hell do I say? Tell me what to say. I can't think of what to say. Give me your phone. So I don't. I suck at it. I mean, these guys on the fucking bingo or the casino app have been trying. One is just like. And now you flirt with your OnlyFans page. Do you want a naughty talk? I'm like, no, I don't. Yes, please. One person. OnlyFans.com. Well, I'm 66, and I'm a chef in New York. Rock the fuck on. Do you want to chat sometime? I said, well, I'm at work. Well, so am I. Is there a good time? And I said, after work? Like, five?

And he goes, oh, well, we'd have to arrange something because, you know, I have to work around other people. I said, oh, are you messaging without somebody knowing? Are you cheating on somebody? His boss. No. He lives with somebody. Well, it happens. And I'm just like, no i'm not getting certificates shut the fuck up it's not a university there's a chef he shared way too much information oh well that's right and i'm just like going if you have to sneak around to text somebody no i'm not interested well yes let's hurry and do that no no i'm not interested in you live in fucking New York.

It's about like the guy in the UK. Want to watch me get naughty? No, I don't. I'm at work. You're at home at this point in time. There's a time difference at 6 a.m. We'll go to the toilet. I don't want to go to the toilet. Yes, that happens after one day of messaging me on an app. Only fans. Only fans. I sent him that. That got him quiet. Yeah, imagine that. Yeah, $4.99 in England. That's like $75. Still, that's, yeah. Wait a minute. You have to read it. I can't read it as fast. Oh, no. Can't pull that set of glasses down. Love seeing this man as picture sexy as hell.

Look, we're all bad at flirting. The reality is, we're all bad at it. No, some people can just roll it off their tongue like nothing ever happened. I have no idea. Your ex-girlfriend, she would just, I'm like going, how the fuck did you come up with that? Yeah. Oh, I just talk. I'm like going. Yeah. Well, I mean. Well, I can't do that. I suck at it. No, I'm not even good at it. I want to peel your clothes off and suck on those nipples and rub down your body until I can grab your balls in my hand and suck your dick. No, I would suck at it. And I'll move my head back and...

Move your head back and forth? No, that didn't even sound good. Let me gag on your dick. that better if you you'd have had me rub my hand down your arm you're gonna tickle me i got a heart on now fuck yeah boy i'm gonna put my fingers through your hair and play with your head yeah and then i'm gonna kiss you passionately my joke is soft subtle lips my joke is is that I take two years to occasionally talk with you. I've had this with two girls this week we've talked about. It takes two years for me to occasionally talk to, flirt, going to set something up, whatever.

And then finally, on the two-year mark, then I finally get it set up and we fucking hit it home. So, Nathan, I like to compete for worst at flirting. Dude. You two will do wonders. You you two will do wonders you guys no because we were messaging each other and pretty much i send a picture that's a picture i can talk with pictures all day long i can talk with pictures i'll even talk with videos it's awesome i i like look i go to the apologetic route i sent him a i suck in your dick video. I don't remember signing off and having, like, a sucking my dick out. What?

You don't own that motherfucker. Well, I guess you do, actually, yeah. I don't? You probably. You own my ball, so why not? You might as well. The thing is, I go to the apologetic route. We're married. I own everything you own. I go to the apologetic route. And when you're drunk, you use that as justification to do whatever you want in a public place. Yeah, I make an ass to myself. Stick your finger down my fucking pants and finger bang me hard now. We're at a restaurant. We're married. We can do it. All right. All right. Here we go. Yeah. You will fucking. I did not say that to you.

The thing is, you don't know for sure. You say it in a way that you don't know. You didn't, but you had to ask because you're not completely sure. That's what's really funny. The thing is, I go the apologetic route. Now, when we got home, I said, I really want to fuck you outside. You did. Because I like outdoor sex. You did, and yes, and you were, yeah, and ready to fucking go. Yeah. I know. We fucked silly. We sure did. There's parts of the night I don't remember. Not when we were home. She remembers the sex. You have to specify that. Look, you have to help me in this a little bit.

You know, I don't have all the skills that go into, you know, if you're good recommendations from Miss Amanda go a long ways. Just saying. You have a list, a mile fucking long of recommendations. I do not. What are you talking? I do not. Okay, not a mile long. Maybe a couple of feet long. It depends on how small you write. Of recommendations. That's a complete lie. I rarely even have sex. Are you kidding me? Okay, the past couple weeks have been an exception. But for the most time, why are you looking at me like that? Were you not going for four hours in the morning yesterday?

We had talk time, too. We actually fucked less this week than we did the week before. Just saying. I don't need one of those ab crusher things. I went to the booty call, and we went two rounds. Two rounds that last maybe like 45 minutes. I think we probably only got five or six in this time. Five or six. You suck ass. No, well, and that's just it. See, you probably tuned in one time where there was a break time because we had actually break time, which is unusual for us. I don't know.

I went kind of, well, there was one time I tuned in and you were sitting at your desk clicking on shit so I could hear that you were still there. So I knew that wasn't time, but I waited like an hour. If you want, I'll text you and be like, listen now. Here's what's funny. I'm going to bring Alexis. I'm going to put on the nightstand on your side so we can both see what glows green so we know. Does it glow. I think so. So we can say, hi. Do you know? Do you hear it when you drop in? No, not necessarily, but we'll have to.

I'm sure it's just some sort of notification so you know, and that'll be funny, and that's what we'll know to say, hi. Smile at the camera. I mean, it just is what it is. There's no camera to smile at. Well, no, but I mean, we'll smile at the Alexa, and, you know, it'll be great. It'll be all right. It's all good. I'm just saying. It's all funny. It's really not that I'm just saying. It's all fun. It's really not that big a deal. I don't need to listen. No, it's fun. Because then I can say things to you while you can't. It definitely makes noise when you drop in.

Well, so you couldn't hear me because the fucking dogs were just whining. Well, no shit. When we have the fucking chorus of... I'm just like... Outside. Well, I don't want to sit here and just listen to Willie just whine. Why? You know, how do you know that we weren't howling? That could have been us. Because it was right next to it. Listen to me. Maybe the sex noise we were making, instead of being the grunting like a bull like normal, maybe that I've switched it up. Grunting like a bull. And I sound like a whim whimpering. Oh, my God. You're totally going to do that the next time.

I can already see it. Oh, I'm absolutely going to whimper like a dog. I'm sorry. Last thing you wanted to do was fuck a whiny dog. Here's the thing. No, no. I'm not going to do it with her because she's going to expect it. That's no fun. It's going to be somebody that's least expected and be like, hey, I'm a – The wolf come out of me. No, here's the thing. No, I'm not going to say, well, that's retarded. That's horrible.

I and be like hey i make just so you know come out no here's the thing no i'm not gonna say well that's retarded that's adorable i'm just gonna say just so you know sometimes i've had girls say you'll know if you don't because i i you know you'll just know okay and i've learned that could be giggling that can be speaking foreign language that can be whatever right i'm just gonna put a blanket comment like that out there so there's nobody knows.

And then, then I'm just going to all of a sudden go, Yeah keep doing like oh no just see we just totally throw somebody out i'm gonna do whoever recall you want to know what the Gave it the fuck away. What? Oh, he makes one of those fucking gnarly gnash in his teeth? I'm like, what are you doing to your mouth? Do you have lockjaw? It's because it's like... Well, don't ever let him come with your nipple in his mouth. You'll lose it. What the fuck was that? Grunt or something. You guys just chat too much. That's your thing. We don't chat. Well, I chat with everybody beforehand. I don't know.

We don't just get naked. Well, he was eating dinner when I showed up. We don't just get naked and start going at it. Well, we don't either. I mean, when I've met him in hotel rooms, that's bullshit and you know it. No, that is no bullshit. Are your pants even on by the time you make it to the bedroom? Yeah. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where are we talking? Are we talking here? Talking here. If it's here, anytime I've done a hookup here, I usually either wear my swishy pants. I have actually just worn a robe.

When my respiratory now came over the one time i wore my robe okay so the hotel no at a hotel clothes are off liquid split pretty much okay well here's the thing remember we've we've had time to chat leading up to it it Look, if we go to a hotel, it's not like, hey, fancy meeting you here. That was the fucking plan. Well, I know that, but it'd be like, how was your day? You don't have any just small talk. No, usually no. It's not like, are we going to go swimming? It's like, hey, there's break times for that. I didn't think of that. Now, look. Here's the thing.

We never have been starting to... Well, that's not true. That's good. When we used to use the upstairs room as the fuck room, several years ago, there was one time that it started in the kitchen. So, when it came up, we didn't even get to the bedroom before we started.

Actually've gotten a blowjob in the kitchen too i know you have yeah oops but i was waiting for you to remember that one yeah but i but yeah no but most of most of the time we make it all the way through the house we make it all the way through the house in here because i gotta get the door shut before the dogs get in it's bad enough the problem with dogs is that you're like it's like you're it's like you're some sort of pervert you're like hurry up get in the bedroom you're like shooting them into the bedroom so you get the door closed shooting to fight the dogs off the bed type thing so but yeah once we get there there's still a little chit chat well there's chit chat hey make out make out well we say make now we say we make out we we i do the same fucking things i'm just we're just multitasking like i'm taking my swishy pants off you know at the same time that kind of stuff okay how was your day clothing item comes off answer the next item there you go lock on arrival consists of hey how are you to go?

Let's go to the bedroom. See, I... I don't. I sit there and I have a conversation. Well, I will start... You know what? I can start doing... I can start playing layers and start being more dressed when people get here. No, I don't give two shits what you do. I mean, I just... Look, we're on a time schedule. And I know that.

And and again, okay, go back to that whole two-year process, okay, there's somebody else, and I don't know if she's listening to that, but two years, so here's the deal, when it gets to the point, now we're going to fuck, here's how this is going to go, we're going to, whatever the precursor to it is, that's two years of of fucking blown opportunities let's not tempt fate shall we so when we get to the now let's shit's gonna start coming off it's kind of like when i was a kid growing up my dad always taught us you never throw the first punch in a fight right you never do that at all but as soon as that motherfucker says let's when he gets to the effing fight you fucking swing well in this case instead of fight it's fuck and this time it's fuck so the thing is is when we get to that let's shit's coming off man i waited two years everything's going all systems go doesn't matter what the weather is we're launching no matter what go that's how that you know so i mean it's like you know shall i drag recarity to the bed i mean well but here's now obviously if the other person isn't at that same level i'm not just gonna be like yeah you'll figure it out no i'm not gonna obviously no you just grab my hand go hey let's go well look here's the deal people like me and and usually the the people that i'm with because it always works out the same we We're a lot alike.

You and the husbands are a lot alike. It's just weird, right? There's something like, it's like you touch. It's the internet. Hug when you first get there. It's like, yep, we're good to go. Yeah, no, right then. But after two years, I've already led these people on for two fucking years. They're going to go, fuck this guy in a minute.

Just an FYI.yi guys it's a great flirting technique two and a half years is two years is a great flirting technique you know why why this is really important i could patent this motherfucker okay because in two years what has happened is all levels of expectations have completely diminished and completely dropped at this point point in time, when we finally get to the fucking part, they're just so amazed that we finally got to the fucking part, anything's going to seem like, thank God we just got fucked.

So what it does, it totally sets the expectations completely manageable, and then you can't. This way you don't disappoint. You have less likely to disappoint. I know what I am and what I'm not. Okay, so explain that I don't wait two years. I've moved on by then. But that's not always true. Well, maybe with her. How long ago did we meet you? Some people That's just it. Okay, it doesn't I'm not like doing it by a fucking soul test. He doesn't mean by missed opportunities. He just meant. It can't. Look, two years.

Well, it's all missed opportunities if you don't act upon things right then, right there. It's give or take. We're within like, let's call it 11 to, or 20 to 26 months, somewhere in that window. I that window i mean if it happens sooner rock on but it's going to take the girl to be very and take the initiative because we know that i'm going to assume they're just being nice i'm always gonna assume they're just being nice we all have that the joy of finding out after two years that somebody's interest you're like holy fuck holy fuck, really?

And then you go, I had all those times and fucked it up? That is amazing. I'm an idiot. Well, but we're not always the best on picking up signals. And we can sit there and talk to you. Well, I can pick up when somebody's flirting with you. Oh, yeah. But it doesn't mean I can. You would think after 30 years of being almost 31 years being together, 31 years being together, we would have ways to like Thank you. I can't. But it doesn't mean I can.

You would think after 30 years of being, almost 31, 31 years of being together, 31 years of being together, we would have ways to, like, you know, let each other know. Like a sign. You should read my fucking mind by now. Well, I do most of the time. It usually says, Cole, quit being an idiot. But the thing is, what we need to do is have a stick. Stick, stupid stick. And we used to have a stick. And we carry just like a paint stirrer stick. I'm getting used to the bar. Smack. Yes, I'm getting used to the bar. And it's obvious the other one hasn't figured it out. And we get smacked with a stick.

Stick, stupid stick. And you're like, oh, hey, are you flirting with me? Oh, got it. Okay. I mean, it's going to look kind of weird at it but you and i personally a lot of people talk to us but because a lot of people talk to us it doesn't mean they're necessarily interested right and we don't necessarily pick up on it because they're talking to us right exactly wanna fuck actually works yeah exactly wanna fuck usually works yeah Even with me, that hasn't worked before. I'll be like, oh, because I'm thinking they're just telling you like me and I'm like, seriously.

I've had a couple people say it to me, and it's just like, I don't know yet. I'm this motherfucker known to man when it comes to shit, seriously. Yeah, but some of them, it's like at that point in time, I wasn't interested, but I could be later. And then it's just like, well, shit, did I just totally screw that up by not acting upon it the first time? Look, I can honestly say part of the reason, even if you, like, abused the shit out of me, I would never leave.

Because the odds of me actually figuring out a girl was that interest enough to move to this point in a relationship, there's no way that would ever happen.

I'm not that bright'm just not smart enough i would just go there just being nice i seriously i i'm willing to admit i am a complete fucking tool when it comes to this there's no reason look i've yet i have yet to meet a single woman a single woman in my entire 50 almost 51 years of life that i went oh of course she would be interested in me I've never met a girl that I go can say that with and go with with a I can say that all and laugh my ass off but I've never met a girl I go there's well of course she would be interested look at me of course she would be interested in me why wouldn't she be and then you don't let me dress weird so then I don't you try to stifle me so the night I met you I was horny as fuck And if you And if you hadn't finally said Are you gonna kiss me We wouldn't be You wouldn't be living in this dream world That you're living in No, pause Okay Because A When you asked me to dance And I was eating the cheeto Like a smart ass Was that not a way of flirting?

It was. I didn't understand. I was just like, fucking bitch, fucking bitch. You were laughing when I was eating it slow. I was. And I was just like, am I going to get something or not? How's this going to go? And then when we went out and I said, hey, you want to come up to my dorm room? What other fucking hint did you need? You just say, are you going to kiss me or what? Obviously, three hours later. Apparently. When did I finally kiss you? When you said, are you going to kiss me? Like, after you'd already flirted with the Cheeto, taken me upstairs.

And I'm not assertive, especially back then for me to say that. I was fucking flustered as shit. I know. And I was amazed as fuck. I was like, yup, that's how fucking. And that was when I thought I was something. That's when I thought I looked good. I knew when you went up to my dorm room That we would fuck See, and I'm glad at least one of us knew that Because otherwise Why would you even go if you didn't think you had a chance?

I never, because I was sober I never assumed that I had a chance Look, in college, I didn't I did not fuck a single girl in college I did not pick up a single girl Other than you when i was sober i was gonna say you fucked a lot of girls i did fuck a lot of girls in college and going to and we know me we know how going i am at 50 when i've been drinking right i'm fucking fun as shit just ask myself i'll tell you okay at 20 at 20 i was fucking invincible i pretty much was sure that i rocked everything and i would walk up and i would most definitely tell you because i had way better hair and i had way better attitude and i had way better everything and a boyish grin and so yeah at 20 but it took booze sober no way no no never fucking there were girls that i fucked that sober I don't know.

at 20 but it took booze sober no way no no never fucking there were girls that i fucked that sober i'd seen them for weeks on campus i didn't fall to come home talk to me in my class but got drunk i was drunk at a party and fucking railed the shit out of them because i walked up i'm like hey you're in my class which is weird i knew who was in my class no shit and they're like yeah i'm like we should, you're in my class, which is weird that I knew who was in my class because I rarely win. No shit. And they're like, yeah, I'm like, we should fuck, like, right now. That was the liquid courage.

So the fact that I was sober the night I met you, I was sober, and, yeah, there was going to be, I was going to make zero moves because I had zero courage. If I could have had a shot, then it would have been a different ballgame. But no. So, yes, if you hadn't, see why I had to be careful what you kiss? And I'll see you next time.

move so i had zero courage if i could have had a shot then it'd be a different ball game but no so yes if you hadn't see why i'd be careful what you kiss if you hadn't kissed me if you hadn't kissed me you wouldn't be living in this dream palace this world that we have this swinging empire that we've created i can't even say that with a straight face you could have been married to like some doctor or something look at what you would have missed out on pumpkin Ha, which that was we were already broken up but that was part of the reason why i asked you then a you were, you were hot.

B, you'd already been a smartass to me. And C, it fucking pissed him off and all of his fucking friends because they hated my fucking guts. And so when I walked over and asked you to dance, the fucking anger that went from there, and I laughed my ass off. He wasn't there, was he? Yes, he was. Oh, I don't remember. Oh, fuck yeah, he was. Oh, I remember coming up to me. And when we left, oh, holy shit. Yeah, that fucking, yep. Because I was that asshole. And that was fun. And that was even more fun because we actually fucked. Just saying. So you really didn't want to. Oh, I wanted to.

I just didn't have fucking, there was no way. I wanted to the second you walked in the room and the when you turned around said some people actually come to dance because i stand there chuck that the the adult guy and i'm like fuck i was like i was fucking right then i went fuck you right then i was enamored as hell he's like and he was always writing me about drinking he's like well why don't you go talk to her i'm like why don't you fuck off he's like what you don't have courage mr liquid courage i'm like fuck you yeah and i went in the room and i'm like Thank you.

drinking he's like well why don't you go talk to her i'm like why don't you fuck off he's like what you don't have courage mr liquid courage i'm like fuck you yeah and i went in the room and i'm like i'm gonna ask her to dance good fucking took half the night before i balls up to even do that and i seriously was gonna go sneak booze except he would have fucking called me out on it yeah and i did go down the next day after my parents left before i went up to your room and i did go to go to his office. And I did tell him that I fucked your brains out. And I did tell him that I did it sober.

And I told him, just like that. And actually, I said, hey, what's going on? I just want you to know, I fucked her. I fucked her good. And I'm going back, and I'm going to fuck her again. It's sober. And turn around and walked out. Wow. You look like a ho. All right.

There we go stories about come on look at this back then you had to keep it quiet i didn't know boy locker room talk doesn't exist i didn't have to keep i didn't keep the one thing i would you were not quiet the one thing i would do sober or drunk i would i didn't have to turn girls sober, but I wasn't afraid to say anything to anybody else sober. I wasn't afraid to say anything to anybody at any time.

You have done a wonderful job of taming my ass because you know right now, you know that tonight alone, for example, the statistical odds of me going on a tirade were out there to fucking go on a tirade and you have managed to to and not about anything we talked about so i'm totally unrelated but you you have trained me so well that you actually because when i was 20 i'd have fucking just went straight we just started the show with the shit because i really didn't know I didn't have what you would call a filter at all not in the least doesn't have a quiet setting I didn't understand inside voices there was more than one college professor I told to go fuck themselves yeah I know yeah so I yeah I didn't I didn't really have a you know oh let's be mature that just wasn't my my thing yeah just a little bit but you knew you could change me and make me better no i know you can't change people that's the funny part now i got bullshit i just became more bullshit i changed you you were like a good girl i don't you only fucked boy your boyfriend nobody else now you fuck other people for a hobby.

Now you're shooting porn. Now you're all fucking hot and sexy doing booty calls. Chalk what up for the guys. Man, win one. I changed you. You've been doing booty calls for the past three years. I know, but the bottom line is 31 years ago you weren't and I corrupted your ass. Look at me go. Way to go. Like a sand person. That's fucking, yeah. Winning. Right there it is. I'm like the only guy. That's some sort yeah. Winning. Right there it is. I'm like the only guy. That's some sort of fucking, I should have a TV show for that. All these women have struggled to like change men.

It's not possible. I mean, I've taken some lumps along the way. Hasn't been an easy battle every time, but we got there. Just saying. I think we should end the show because I think there's a great chance of getting in trouble. All right. After an hour. I hope you guys had fun. I getting in trouble. Oh, it's after an hour. I hope you guys had fun. I don't know. I don't know if we actually helped anybody tonight. We kind of had it. I mean, in the description of the show, I'll talk about a topic that we had that we touched on for like two minutes, but it was still a topic.

Hey, if we helped you, let us know. Make sure you follow us. Don't forget the new name change so when you're looking for us, you find us. We are Crazy Truth About Swinging.

Make sure you follow us don't forget the new name change so when you're looking for us you find us we are crazy truth about swinging uh make sure you follow us on on twitter at truth crazy send us emails at crazy.casba at gmail.com don't forget crazy winter summer nights is still coming up you can still get tickets uh you go to our website crazycasba.com also miss amanda you want to i'm telling you you want to sign up now for her fucking OnlyFans because the shit that's coming on there is hot and it won't have me. It's hotter people than me. Trust me. I'm pretty innocent.

I have this halo bubble. Yeah, and you know what? It's got cum dripping off of me and a penis somewhere through and possibly a vag. What that is, is it's OnlyFans and it's Miss Amanda Kazba. Also, you can follow us on YouTube, obviously. YouTube.com backslash Kazba. Follow us everywhere. And I'm on, well, we are on TikTok. I love TikTok. Send me ideas for TikToks, too, by the way. I have two fucking videos. Yeah, send, I have a bunch. It's Crazy Kazba, at Crazy Kazba on TikTok. Also, I'm to give this a little... I'm going to throw this out here. Okay.

You've got a special shoot you're going to be doing in the next couple of weeks. You know what it is. Yeah, I know. And all I can say is it's going to be something like it's never been seen for you under the big top. Did you get the hint? Clown. Get the hint. Just saying. You're going to want to see it. It's going to be hot and sexy. Cole has this thought of a great video. Well, and we have people that have to act upon it. Yeah, and it's going to be bad at it. It's going to be sexy as fuck. So, only thanks. Get on there.

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