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Transcript
Speaker1: Hey kids, the program you're about to listen to contains some adult situations, adult language, themes, and other adult topics. If you're easily offended, this show's not for you. Hey you crazy motherfuckers, welcome back to another edition of Crazy Truth. I'm the host of the most, I'm Cole. I'm here with the lovely, lovely and slightly sore Miss Amanda. Speaker2: I hate you, really. Speaker1: We're here to tantalize, titillate, and otherwise entertain the fuck out of you, because that's what we do. And for those of you following along at home. Speaker3: Really? Speaker1: Are you going to look at my text messages? Speaker3: Is that what you're doing? Speaker1: For those of you following at this monumental show. Speaker2: I was playing a casino game. Speaker1: At this monumental show. This monumental Show. Is it? It is. It's Monumental Show. Yes, it is. What Monumental Show is it? Well, if you were following along at home, which hopefully someday you will, this is Season 7, Episode 299. That's not 399. I am so proud of you This is a crowning achievement Look at this, we're already there Look at her going, but that's not 300 Good job You didn't even count, slap your hoof or anything You're just all over that I know, but it's the anticipation That we're that Speaker2: Is this like a nice tail over Speaker1: I mean a smart ass You speak of those things you do not know Yes, in the hovel with the pigs, William I don't know. anticipation that we're that I mean a smart ass you speak of those things you do not know yes in the hovel with the pigs William the thing is is that I am I am absolutely okay we gotta stifle this fucking thing right fucking now hold please is that one yes okay no that wasn't the one when somebody comments it'll pop back up oh well but you know what i wanted to yeah you want to silence it anyways anyways it's the anticipation of the 300 show well it's kind of a big deal no Now I'm being the smartest. No, you're not. You don't even know. You don't even care. You don't even care. I'm just happy to be here. Anywho, shout out. Speaker2: Some days, I am just happy to be here. Speaker3: Wow. Speaker2: Okay, no. I take care of it. Speaker3: Excellent.
Speaker1:
Okay, so anywho, sponsors. sponsors yeah we got them just saying I'm figuring it out okay scroll down scroll down mute mute there it is mute mute until I turn it back on mute I don't care mute mute okay anywho sponsors yeah we got them that was it I remember that now shout out to obviously protect your clit you don't have to protect it just make sure that that special clit that's only for you you take care of it don't trust that clit to just any electronic device it's going to slap up against it no get a name brand that you know you can trust motorbunny motorbunny.com get the original or the brand new buck again don't forget you can go on to our page on Pornhub and see Mrs. Amanda Miss Amanda's review of the book as she writes it to orgasm pleasure. Orgasmic orgasm. Whatever. I thought it sounded good in my head. Orgasmic pleasure. Yes. No, it wasn't what I was going for. I was going for fancier names. Fancier. Anyways, watch her get off. www.mutterpornhub.com Also, you want to know what's going on in the lifestyle? So do I. Also, you want to know what's going on in the lifestyle? So do I. No, you want to know what's going on in the lifestyle? Or in the adult world, make it a habit to read your new edition each month of ASMLifestyleMagazine.com. Three million readers can't be wrong. Someday we'll make the cover of that, fucker. I swear to God, we will. But don't forget also, in the time being, until the end of this month, which will be April for those of you listening seven years from now you can go on and vote once a day, every day of this month. Please go on to the ASNLifestyleMagazineAwards.com Vote for us for Best Adult Takeover, Crazy Winter Nights, as well as Best Expo, Trade Show, and Convention, Crazy Winter Nights. Don't get to support our very good friends for Best Podcast, The Fun Pineapples, for Best New Business, The Juicy Debauchery. We know three of the four porn stars for Best Female Porn Star. We know two of the male porn stars, so I'm not going to vote whoever how you will. That's up to you. Just saying. Anywho, so there you go. And finally, hey, you know what? In this day and age, there's lots of things you have to tolerate and deal with and put up with. Boring meat is not one of them. Don't have your mouth go, oh, that's it. Spice up your meat with smokingmeatsbbqtreats.com. Meat rubs today. Let me spell it for you, kids. Grab your pen and paper or your cell phone. Hey, I know people use technology. S-M-O-K-I-N-M-E-A-T-S-B-B-Q-T-R-E-A-T-S.com. Order today six delicious flavors to choose from. That's what I just said. Hickory dust, lemon pepper, SPG, orange mango, habanero, pineapple paradise, Cinecule, Cune Hound, and finally coming soon, our own special crazy Casbah blend as well. So there you go. So why finish this? I'm going to shut the door. I'm going to shut the door. I'm supposed to say something. Okay, so when he spells out the website, I really think that he needs to make it a jingle and he can sing it. You've lost your fucking mind. No, I have not. Do you like to sing? Of course you do because Cole loves to sing. So you need to make a jingle with it so you can sing the words, sing the letters. I charge extra to be a jingle maker. I only do jingles during the holiday season when I'm Santa. And jingle my fucking jolly ball around. That's what, that's tough. I'll work on it a little bit. I'll add it to my list of things. Okay. I got asked how the calendar sale was going. Yeah, you're going to see my fucking, or allude to seeing my man meet in the calendar if you order one. So we'll probably go ahead and do that. Okay. We're close enough. I just want to say I haven't. It'll be this big accomplishment in my life. I fuck in my own calendar. You're going to fuck in your own calendar? Maybe. I fucked in your porn today, and my arms are still sore from my motherfucking shit uh anyway so our bedroom is now our studio our secondary studio which somebody used to use way more often that's why so the thing is is is today after today miss amanda's pussy will never be the same because she's gonna start getting slapped around much more often not by me and i said well by me too but by others so here's hoping to make it an rb sandwich in no time just saying I don I do. Just saying what does that mean i have huge meat flaps no and you do not have meat curtains at this point in time curtain to be better than flaps flaps sounds like now you got a plane flaps down i'm like wait a minute does it look like recipe no not yet Can't, not yet. Can't actually eat one. Sometimes when you get done. Not yet. That one, whereas when you get done, it looks a little fucking, wait. But that's what it's supposed to look like. But after the day, when you thought I was stroking out to come, I really can't talk too much shit. So, it is what it is. His lips were turning blue and he was sweating profusely. I don't know. I was feeling really fucking good. I'm like, are you okay?
Speaker2:
Are you going to, like, have a heart attack while we're doing this?
Speaker1:
Which just slowed down the process, because when you're asking 20 questions, like, what medicine are you on? I'm just trying to jizz.
Speaker2:
And I wanted you to on my stomach, and, well, that didn't work out.
Speaker1:
I was going to, but you got impatient. Like, just lay there and calm. You got impatient. You could have fucking taken and grabbed some up and funneled it over there or some shit and something. It would have taken me just a minute. We'd have got there. So I need to keep a butter knife that I can scoop it up and put it in spots. Yeah, if it was only the size of a butter knife, if that's all that came out. No bits and place it accordingly if you would have just turned sideways and i turned sideways i'd hit your fucking stomach and it would have you think it would have power shot it would have power shot and it would have stuck long enough for you to flip over and get a picture i guarantee it i wasn't the one that tapped the fuck out in the sex part even though my arms and shoulders they were a burning just saying anyways i don't uh so yeah there you go so if uh you know so soon don't get sent upon misdemeanor's website if you would like to shoot god now whether and you'd like to get your jizz on her stomach uh pussy face, whatever. Whatever's in the contract. It works out. I'm just trying to get a compilation. A pile? I'm just trying to get a whole bunch of cum shots. You're trying to get a whole bunch of cum? No. Jizz-o-rama. It's a jizz fest. Set there with a camera. Yeah, which, you know, look, I'm working on this shit. You know, I'm usually the scenes stuff come on they do it by they do it by command I'm working I'm doing pretty fucking good up on my doing aerobics okay we're done let's finish it off I'm like how do you just force it to go B20 something ta da that helps a lot so just I'm working on fucking being able to pop up on command. I'll keep practicing. Hang out more. You see the watch. You can be a part of my training. Okay, whatever. So what do you want to talk about? I have no idea. I'm in a shitty mood. What do you want to talk about? You're in a shitty mood. That was awesome. That's awesome. Why are you picking that on? Because I've got this one spot because of my CPAP that always, I think it's actually more like it's cut or something. And so it constantly scabs. So constantly there's a booger right there. So I'm constantly. It's not really a booger. Then it's skin. Right. But I'm constantly pulling off. And so then a new booger forms there. And it's just. It's not a booger. Every time I turn around, I've got my finger up my nose. And it's sore. It hurts. So, like, when I sneeze or wipe my nose, it's like, ow. Is that about lubeing it? It helps with the dryness. That fucker ain't dry. Are you sure it's not dry? No, I'm not going to feel up your nose. It's just gross. You had my dick in your mouth. You really want that up your nose? Really? Do you think it's going to bother me? You had my dick in your mouth. And so you're worried about touching my butt. You freaked the fuck out with me giving you love and affection on the way home this week. Or on the way to Kansas City. Because you licked my fucking hand. I fucking held your hand up. We were holding hands. I thought I was going to kiss it. We were holding hands, which is part of the things that you like right we were cuddling driving cuddling which you like i romantically lift your hand it up and did a little bit of just gave it a little tongue action i didn't like up your arm i would have but just just the top of your hand the whole top of my hand the top of your hand is like an inch you're small it's not that much inch it's more like three okay three inches a quick little lick that showed i cared and you're like because you licked my hand i thought and now you're all paranoid about it one time in 32 years and now you're all paranoid every time i touch your hand if i go you're like instant, looking to see what I'm doing with your hand. I'm trying to keep you on your toes. 32 years ago, I stuck a booger in your hand. You started to become, like, gotten complacent. So I'm trying to help you. And this is the thanks I get for trying to help you. Right. 32 years ago, your hand never got that close to my mouth. This is true. After the booger thing, it never would have got that close. See, you've become complacent. This is how we're attacked and we're ruining life. It's because there was trust and you ruined that trust. No, you became complacent. There's a difference. You're not going to turn this on me. I'm trying to do a training. This is like wax on, wax off type shit. You're not training me to lick my hand. I am training you to make sure you're always aware of your surroundings for your safety. You shoot porn now. You need to know you need to be on your toes at all times. So all of a sudden you don't get randomly attacked by a tongue you shoot porn that could happen just saying you need you need to be i think it has you've been randomly attacked by tongues kind of no not where they say now like i didn't say like multiple tongues that's not where they say lick here where all of a sudden just like i don't know you're just standing there and you're all of a sudden you're slapped by the tongue. What if you're at the zoo and a llama comes up and just slaps you? It won't happen now because you're in tune to it. Thank you. You're welcome. Do you know I've never seen a llama? Yes, you have. Not at close, not at a zoo. Yes, you have. Have I? Yes. Obviously, I don't remember. It must not have been very memorable. Did we get close to it? Did I pet it? We pet it No I've never Yes No Yes What do you think Those things were Really big fucking Small ostriches Omaha Henry Dory Zoo The only thing I've peted it They used to have They used to have Llamas in it At the Omaha Zoo Was a fucking goat No Lincoln only had goats Omaha had a couple llamas, and you could pet the llamas. What were those camel looking like? What were those tall, the big necks that looked like really cute poodles, but tall with necks? They weren't giraffes. What were those fucking things?
Speaker2:
You have me mistaken with somebody else.
Speaker3:
No.
Speaker2:
Maybe an ex-girlfriend or something.
Speaker1:
The ex-girlfriend got her fucking hair eaten by a giraffe. That's a totally different thing, and that's awesome.
Speaker3:
No.
Speaker1:
No, they still had it with the kids.
Speaker3:
No.
Speaker1:
Oh, my God. There's llama farms up in... Oh, Jesus.
Speaker2:
I don't care if there's llama farms. It doesn't mean I've got a bit touched one.
Speaker1:
I'll break out the picture of me and my disappointing junior year in prom when I have a picture with a fucking llama.
Speaker2:
Okay, but that was your junior year in prom.
Speaker1:
Right, but this way you know what it looks like. I know what a llama looks like. Draw one. Use your finger and draw a llama right down the air. We went by a restaurant this week that has a llama and you said everybody needs a llama for a mascot. Because a drunken llama's funny. It's like a camel but not. Because they got the lips. feed one you said you could feed at Lincoln's Zoo yes, because I've taken the kids and we were there and I never took just the kids I was not a good enough dad to ever just take the kids to the zoo on my own take the kids and fucking put the money in for the little fucking candy machine and fed the little so they got the little lips, the lips are like and they're like give me your hand watch you don't use my tongue and they're like they're like yeah just like you don't jack off their lips like you're doing but you know what i'm saying we're going to that now tomorrow we're going to the fucking children's zoo so you can see a goddamn llama so we can take one when i'm with us this story this podcast is now totally went off the rails because you don't know what the fuck a llama is I know what a llama is I've never touched one I've sheltered you so badly I've kept you protected from the evil llamas it is what it is you've petted a cow I'veetted. You've pet a cow. Well, a calf. Yes. Well, that's a cow, just a shorter version of it. It'd be like, you're still like a person. You're just a shorter version of it. I touched a woman. You're still a woman, just shorter. So that still counts. You've touched a pig. When did I touch a pig? Well, you touched a pig in New Orleans when I wasn't.
Speaker2:
No, I did not touch that pig. You touched that pig.
Speaker1:
No, they have camels at the zoo, but you can't feed them. Or you can't touch them.
Speaker2:
No, you used to be able to feed them a long time ago. Now they have it to where the displays are further out.
Speaker3:
You can't.
Speaker1:
Because a camel is huge. And they're mean as hell. They spit baseballs for fuck's
Speaker2:
sakes. I pet a horse at
Speaker1:
the zoo. You pet a horse. You pet a pony. You know what that is?
Speaker2:
I pet a calf. You know what that is? I didn't like it, but I pet a calf. Well, that's because you
Speaker1:
were scratching it like a fucking dog. Dog. Yeah. It's alright.
Speaker2:
I touched a llama and I liked it.
Speaker1:
They had pot-bellied pigs at the Omaha Zoo. You've touched them. In the petting zoo area, you've pet goats. Oh, my Lord. Well, I promise you, my vow to you, as we're finishing up our 30th year of marriage going into our 31st year to take you on a petting zoo extravaganza to open the world to you to new type of animals to that you've petted a jackass i've petted a jackass a donkey before yes because i haven fucking zoo. Oh, my God. You know, right now, God is my witness. I swear, I know it sounds like we must be in BDSM where I've kept her blindfolded. I did not take her to the zoo blindfolded. I let her look at the animals. Seriously, I really, really did. Have you seen a peacock?
Speaker3:
Yes.
Speaker1:
Have you seen an ostrich?
Speaker3:
Yes. An emu? Yes. A gorilla? Yes. Have you seen an ostrich? Yes. An emu? Yes. A gorilla? Yes. Elephant? Yes. Rhino? Yep. Hippo? Yes.
Speaker1:
Have you seen a hippo alive?
Speaker2:
I've had a pygmy, a hippo.
Speaker1:
Have you seen a hippo hippo?
Speaker2:
Did they have that Henry Dolly Zoo up on that hill?
Speaker3:
No. Then no.
Speaker2:
I've seen the pygmy one.
Speaker1:
Did you ever see a Washington Zoo? The National Zoo? This has nothing to do with swinging, just so you know. Great date nights. Take care of your future fuck and make them touch stuff.
Speaker3:
No.
Speaker1:
Because they have a big hippo. They have a full-size fucking...
Speaker2:
Was it hungry?
Speaker1:
Kind of. But I just didn't want to shit its tailspin, so it was like hitting the wood. It's not shit all over. Weird. Seals? Ew. I've seen seals. Have you touched a seal? No. Sure? Mm-hmm. Okay. Shark? No. Well, I could have in Omaha or in New Orleans. There you go. All right. See an alligator. Touch one? No. Thought about it? Baby one, yes. Well, again, remember this is still an alligator, just shorter? Is that same fucking thing?
Speaker3:
They had its mouth.
Speaker2:
No, when we went on our cruise and the little kid was holding an alligator.
Speaker1:
Yeah, he scammed me out of fucking ten bucks for a picture. Yeah, yeah, I remember that.
Speaker3:
Yep.
Speaker2:
Had electrical tape wrapped around his mouth.
Speaker3:
Sloth?
Speaker2:
I've seen one.
Speaker3:
Okay. Just checking. All right. Cool things.
Speaker1:
These are all things that are very important that no one gives two fucks. This is why no one listens to our show. Thank you. around his mouth. Sloth? I've seen one. Okay. Just checking. All right. Cool things. These are all things that are very important and no one gives two fucks. This is why no one listens to our show. Just saying. It's important stuff. I didn't pick it. I'm scratching it out in my nose. It's different. Just saying. All right. What do you want to talk about? We need to talk about something that involves like fucking or something. I think. Do we? Well, I mean, our name is Crazy Truth about Swinging. Currently, the show sounds like Crazy Truth About Vacations. It's just something out there. Boobs. Okay, say something. If I'm quite, this is where you, we worked on this. A little bit of silence could give a little bit of silence. Not fucking on a podcast where half the people are only hearing it. Are you sure only half the people are hearing it? Pretty much. Okay. We're bantering. Well, there was something earlier this week I said we should talk about, and I totally forgot what it was. I should make notes. Do you remember what it was? I was trying not to listen to you earlier this week. It's hard to tell. It could have been one of those times when you were working by napping. I've been getting made fun of. No, you have been. We're just talking about how your vacation time and your day off time is calculated. And currently, you get so much time for an for an 8 hour shift well we don't know exactly what that is because we haven't actually made an 8 hour shift yet to know for sure this week or last week last week you were fucking slacking like a motherfucker don't tell me I'm wrong you're not there were some days just getting there i had to ask you today saying that i deserve to also get the like a makeup version of you yeah was they gonna get ready today yeah you're like oh i've got to go to podcast to do it's like yeah hey i deserve to get to see the made-up version of you too like it's not just it's not just for breakfast anymore it's like sunday dean okay so courtney's asking how the trip to casey and back brian said he could have met us for lunch well we had to do it during lunch because they had a conference going on at the same time and they had to take wait for their lunch break to show us so we could look and we still almost more like when they're coming they didn't see any food we could have had a snack Somebody had food because they were milling around with it. We should have grabbed some. They paid a lot of money for it. We saw the prices. No, shit. No, it was fun. It was good. It was. We went down there to tour a hotel. And book it. Sign my life away. It was a conference center. So we booked it. And that's going to be our BDSM hotel. That's right. So we have the full hotel. It's not just a little spillover. So we did something new. What did we do? It was the first KWN that we've contractually booked two hotels. Yeah. So that's pretty fucking exciting. Yeah. Woo-hoo-hoo! Please buy some room. Somebody please show up to this fucking event. I am so fucked. So, yeah, we've done that done that that was pretty fun it's always fun sitting in meetings and you're explaining and you're trying to explain this stuff to people and just like yeah but the people were doing a great job and i just sat quiet until i was asking questions just started had like stroking out for no reason just started sweating that was awesome yeah i was having a hot flash yeah i had i fucking had a hot flash in a meeting right when it was time to start negotiating money and all of a sudden i'm having a hot flash and i'm sitting there literally sweating like a stuck oh it was going through your shirt and everything yeah and then so she's like oh it must seem i think it might be warming and she's trying to turn the ac down no no i'm just having a fucking hot flash but my dick works Anyways, it's going to be a lot of fun. So we got that taken care of. So the ride down, it was pretty, I mean, we just talked. That was what we did. And a lot of talking. Soul searching. Digging deep. It was? We didn't stop and get beef jerky the way I know that, but I thought about it. Yes, it was.
Speaker2:
We were talking about it.
Speaker3:
Never mind.
Speaker2:
That won't be on for everybody else to hear. The way back, so I'm going to divulge this about Cole.
Speaker3:
Great.
Speaker2:
I offered to drive. I said, just get me out of the city.
Speaker1:
I was tired. I didn't go to sleep until 4 o'clock in the morning.
Speaker2:
No, that has nothing to do with it.
Speaker1:
So I said, just get me out of the city, I was tired. I didn't go to sleep before 4 o'clock in the morning. No, that has nothing to do with it. So I said, just get me out of the city and I'll drive. He's like, okay. It's going to stop for gas anyway. As soon as he gets in the passenger seat, he has a thing for getting really horny at the time. So then he put on a little porn and get off. Sometimes I videoed it. That time I did not. I was busy trying. You were trying to run your fucking dildo while you drove. Yeah, I tried to do that while I was driving. Yes. It's a testosterone. There's nothing wrong with that. It's like as soon as you get in the passenger. I'm going to spend some time next week with my mom going to the cemetery. So let's hope I don't have a boner. The old if she drives, I'm fucked. Just saying. Don't let her drive. No, I'm not going to. What? I used to just let her drive. No, that's a horrible idea. Anyway, so I don't know what it is. It's my testosterone. Testosterone works. Go to your doctor. Talk to your doctor. Get prescribed testosterone, and give it a shot. It took. Because my shit is fucking. It took a couple years for it to actually kick them. Mine was super fucking low. And now it's not. And now it's fucking a beautiful thing. And my dick works, and it's a lot of fun. Somebody taps out sometimes. Just saying but somebody still today even somebody still owes me you're too behind i'm too behind you're too behind what you're orgasms i don't know about your orgasms but too behind on my orgasms you You're two behind on me getting off. I deferred a Tuesday one to Wednesday, and I didn't get the Wednesday one.
Speaker3:
So you owe me.
Speaker1:
There's two days lost. So the one today was for today.
Speaker3:
We still need to do a Tuesday and Wednesday one. Have we turned into a fucking... Yes. Yes. My dick is working without question. Yes. Brian, it works better if you do half that once a week. Yes, it does. You'll be fucking just... Look, it's like being in high school again. It's awesome. Just saying. Yeah. Big difference. Thank you to Don at Kinky Framing Wine for telling me that little trick. Yeah. And it's also got me off my estrogen blockers. You just quit taking it. Obviously, there's still someone in my system because hence the hot flash when I didn't eat it. But still, just saying. What are you doing? What are you looking at me like that for? I watched your eyes. What are you doing? What sneaky shit are you doing? I didn't do. Bullshit. You're doing something sneaky. I watched you. I looked over because you always do this. God damn it. I have not touched my hair that much. Anyway. You throw that in. Anyway, so yeah. So So, no. So, yeah. So, great. Now, every time they see the car, they're like, oh, Amanda's driving home after the bar.
Speaker1:
Cole's yakking off again.
Speaker2:
I'm just saying. There's nothing bad.
Speaker3:
There's just.
Speaker1:
Thank God we go to enough fast food drive-thru, so there's always some napkins in the car. That's awesome.
Speaker3:
Just saying.
Speaker2:
Next time you do that, you roll the window down like you do me when we pass somebody.
Speaker1:
I don't give two fucks. I'll wave to the motherfuckers as we go by. I'll stick my dick out the window while we go by. I'll be like, out the window, look at all, waving and shit. You're the porn star. That's what's so funny. You, like, freak when I roll the windows down. You're supposed to do that. Like, that would be the the greatest video that'd be the greatest shot ever is the dude in the truck looking down while you're fucking naked in the front seat jacking off but what if it happens to be like this massive christian that doesn't want to watch porn and see stuff like that well then he will say a prayer for your fucking twisted soul and your idiot husband that did it to you and maybe you'll be saved it is what it what it is. Or maybe we'll get hit by lightning. Don't worry. It's my fault anyway. So it'll work itself out. It's not for him. You're not going to like, hey, what's your email address so I can send this to you? You're not shooting it for him. You're shooting it for the rest of the people. Actually, him or her having this like a gas face or like holding up a cross and a Bible throwing it at you would actually make that shot sell you even more it would be like it would go fucking viral on X if you think I'm right somebody fucking agree with me because as God is my witness I have to go through this all the time by the way Tina I love that Tina loves long car rides so she likes to ride naked and play with it herself we're not gone we should a trip. I used to do that when I was really drunk coming home from the bar. Yes, you did. So, I'm just saying, people need to, why would I lie to you about that? Why would I lie to you about how much that would fucking sell? I don't know. There's just, I don't know. What happened with your hormone doctor? Which part? I said two years ago, or a year ago, I'm telling you, when you talk to them, they would really, they would get what we're doing. And... So half my appointment this week was talking about sex and guys and hormones and alternative methods. For the seminar that they're doing at their second KWN that they're sponsors for. Because they're thrilled to be a part of this and that should help. And it's kind of interesting. So then she's like, so do you have any events coming up besides Vegas? I'm like, well, we have our camp out that's at a clothing optional campground. And she goes, oh. Well, you know, about 10 years ago, we went to Jamaica, and it was a nudist resort. Okay. Wow. It's what we do. What else are you going to share with me? It's what we make. We bring people some inner fantasies to life. It's what we do. Just saying. But I'm just saying. She's six years older than I am. And you know what? I'm telling you. And who had to convince you to give them a calendar? who didn't convince you who just did it you did it and i made you sign it and and what was her response oh i'm sure tom i love this he's gonna love it and ate he and she told me i was going he really loves it it's up in his man oh shit yeah so he no i haven't heard that one. Yeah, he appreciated the calendar. Yes.
Speaker2:
I get, how's your libido?
Speaker3:
Awesome.
Speaker2:
Testosterone's awesome for women, too.
Speaker1:
The thing is, what that is, is that's a compliment to him and what he does. Take out anything sexual with it. It's like, great job, doc.
Speaker3:
Good job.
Speaker1:
That's what that is. Just saying. Whatever. I like to just come up with ideas and not have anybody listen to me until later. Then I would go, oh, hey. You going to argue that point with me? Nope. No, ma'am. I do it all the time. I tell you, you're right. right okay let's not say all the time with that let's not let's not get carried away you yell me lots don't don't slap that buck cheek today you clocked me in the head no no no we're wrestling with the dogs and you've just i'm still wrestling with the dogs we're trying to bring them in but we were trying to clean them feet off but we got them in the house okay let's go back here's what's very important if you see miss amanda anyway she has bruises as much as it might sound like i kicked her ass which is the other way around uh it's because zippy got roller skates so our 52 year old has decided to fucking revisit her childhood and has roller skates which is awesome except for the fact that she hasn't been on roller skates in like 40 years so with her new roller skate you have to relearn balance and she was and we were goofing around when she went and bought the skates and then we made her wear a helmet stuff like that funny that. Funny. And she took it off. Like a bobblehead. Yeah. Bitches out. Whatever. And then she's going up and down the step. Or up and down the. Sidewalk. The back sidewalk. Lo and behold. She bites it on her ass. And the best thing is. I have to be careful what butt cheek I slap. Because that one's the sore one. You shouldn't slap the butt cheek. My wrist, I can move it more now. The most important thing with these is that we get them in when we go pick them up. The wheels light up when you spin them. They do light up. She's like, I think I should change them. I'm like, absolutely fucking not. That is the most porn star thing you can can absolutely have you have to have the wheels that light up because there is nothing better than that so yes they're super cool blue blue ones and uh yeah so a great ab workout it's low impact most of the time except if you fall then that's high impact let's see tina through, don't change the wheels. Everybody knows those wheels, that's going to be a thing. Because you know what? When you're getting fucked with your roller skates on, because we both know that's going to happen, when your legs are up and the camera's on, and the guy's fucking goes, and spins the wheels, and the wheels slide up. Should I wear them to the bar on Friday? Sure. No. I'll bust my ass.
Speaker3:
With drinks.
Speaker1:
That'll be awesome.
Speaker3:
I only have one drink. The thing is, is that the most important part of this whole story is you need to have them on when you fucks with your legs in the air.
Speaker1:
Those would be heavy. Cheeky squirts. Okay, so I'll have to get a pair of shorts take pictures outside of you know the first thing is like I should do roller derby absolutely and I bruise easier now. I'm just like, you're going to look, you're asking, Miss, I've never been in a fist fight
Speaker3:
before. Yep.
Speaker2:
You don't have to tell everybody else that.
Speaker3:
Exactly. Roller girl.
Speaker1:
I'll show you the movie.
Speaker2:
I have a low center to grab me and get low.
Speaker1:
That's the idea.
Speaker2:
I have to find my balance first, but I can get low.
Speaker1:
It's not about getting low. At our age, it's about getting up i can get up that's no big deal okay you've seen me do squats i can get up i've also heard the sound it makes well i didn't say i didn't make sound doing it i can do it though you can do it no you can do it and you'll you'll fly around these fucking things in no time i know you will yeah i just have to get out there and learn balance again. You should be doing it in the rain right now. Well, I was like, you know, Thursday I could go to the tennis court and ride around the tennis court for a while during the day, and then it just rained all day. But, you know, if you can jump puddles. Well, I'm not to that part yet. I bet you would be. It's like riding a bike. You never forget, right? But you have to learn your center of gravity again. We need to fuck with your skate time so we practice that part. Okay. I don't know. Why are you so opposed to that? I'm not opposed to it. You look opposed. You look opposed. Like, you don't see the value of fucking with skate time. We'll put ankle weights on you, heavy ones, and have you lift and have you lift your legs up you don't have to put ankle weights on me I held my fucking fat ass up which carries my weight like a pregnant woman as the doctor told me this week carries my weight like a pregnant woman and fuck without fucking giving you an episiotomy or fucking falling on you so the camera can still see you. Don't even talk about it. I've got a fucking giant 75 pound fucking gut weight that's attached to me and I'm expecting at any point in time. So fuck off with your little ankle weights sunshine. Be a polar bear and fuck. Come here. Just saying. Tell you what we'll do. I'll put them on. Got a pair of those other skates and I'll put them on. We can both love the skates.
Speaker2:
They're not going to fit your feet. None of them are going to fit your feet. You have your mom's roller skates in there. And she goes, oh, good, I want them back.
Speaker3:
Right, but I've got them.
Speaker2:
Do you think she's going to put them on?
Speaker1:
If she does, I'll beat her with them. That's my witness. I will beat her with them. No, but I've got other skates in there. I've got cowboy. I can put my work boots on. My work boots will weigh as much as those roller skates. And you fuck with your roller skates, and I'll fuck with those. This way we're balanced or some shit. I don't know how that works. I could just take the dog and put him in a little backpack. Now, when we were in Kansas City, we were talking about it. And someone else was like, yeah, I'm doing roller derby. And I'm like, she's a lot younger than I am, though. Not a lot younger. I mean, like 12 years. That's a lot when you're over 15. No, it's not, pumpkin. You could do it. I have no doubt you could do it. I just have to regain my balance on it. I just didn't realize the sidewalk wasn't level. And so when you put them on, you start going, eee, and you go, oh, fuck. I wanted to push her so bad that she wouldn't let me. Oh, push me. No, I don't want you to push me. I want you to go fast. So you can feel the wind in your hair. You are the paranoid one going, you need a helmet. You need a risk. Okay, because I don't really want to fucking have to take you to the doctor and have you fucking cast, a couple of casts. Because we crack jokes and somebody's like, oh, my God, Cole's beating her. Do you see what he did?
Speaker3:
I can hear it now. Such an abuser. Right. Exactly. Because since we were at the doctor. I'm so distraught. We were at the doctor earlier this week and the doctor asked questions. I said, yeah, she hits me. I need help. So I know that, you know, if you come in with bruises, people are like, oh, my God, look what Cole did to her. I can hear that shit now. Like, nope. like i'll have to like if you were to fall and break something i would videotape and take pictures so i'm like nope see she was on her skates see it wasn't me and that's what i did just cover my own ass just saying at least you got a little bit of padding not very much anymore but you got a little bit of padding on your butt you don't have I don't know. Your butt cheek still hurts. It did not bruise. It did not bruise, though. It didn't bruise. So that's really good. And actually, no, it doesn't hurt. Oh, I shouldn't have said that to you. Fuck. Never mind. It hurts. Why? Because you're going to smack my ass. I smack your ass anyways. But you've been watching Witch Cheek. Yes. And I'll still, because I love it, I'm such a dick, but I still love and care,
Speaker1:
so I'll make sure I only smack the non-injured cheek. I still love how today when we're fucking, you chastised me afterwards for the shit I did because that wasn't real porn-like.
Speaker3:
No.
Speaker2:
What I was, no, it wasn't real porn-like, but it was things that you've seen that you like and I'm like, that doesn't really happen.
Speaker1:
I was just trying to make it original for the camera, so that's why.
Speaker2:
So here, let me do things you don't like.
Speaker1:
You, okay, I did not, no. It's not like I cranked on your ass.
Speaker2:
No, but you pulled my hair pretty good.
Speaker1:
You're short, and I was my bounce, though. There are people that can tell you, I smack asses a hell of a lot harder than that i don't want you to well right so you can't leave that part out on the podcast so it sounds like i just wanted some fucking terror and just started doing all this shit that you know you're the one that said it i wasn't gonna say anything well but tell the part that it was off, not that it was like, you know, you egged my hair out. Okay, that, because I couldn't get your hair cut. I was like, oh. I just was trying to get it so you could look at the camera.
Speaker3:
And you pulled hard.
Speaker2:
I'm like, holy shit.
Speaker1:
That's kind of slipping. But it was so you could look at the camera. I didn't have a director helping me. Are you sure my head wasn't cut off? I haven't looked at it. No, it wasn't. That part was because I was watching to see if I could see your face on the camera. Well, I didn't have any makeup on, so it would be kind of scary. Then why did you bitch at me at another shot when I turned you so that you could make sure that you could see my dick going in. You're like, my head's not even in that shot. No, seriously. Answer the damn question. Now I know you know. This is like a core thing. Answer the question. It would be scary. I didn't even make it, but it'd be scary, and yet you were yipping at me because your head wasn't in the shot.
Speaker2:
Could you say you're kind of all this way? It was so that
Speaker1:
they weren't just watching my fat gut going, maybe it's dicks in there, maybe it's not. So they could actually see penis penetration.
Speaker3:
Okay.
Speaker1:
What the fuck? Oh, my God. Really? Oh, God. Alright, great. Never mind. I was supposed to be making fun of it. Yeah, never mind. Never mind. Next time I put this strap on, I'll pull your hair and smack your ass. There you go, actually. There you go. Your hair is going to be easier to grab. Next time, fucking, if we want to do the shit that I like, that you don't like, then we can go down that fucking path, come dumpster, and we'll see where we go from there. Just saying.
Speaker2:
Somebody would probably like to watch the primal shit. You're not, I don't think you're even heavy duty into it, like a lot of people.
Speaker1:
No, I'm a soft, soft primal. Soft primal. You were saying something. What the hell were you saying? Oh, you said something about, I don't know. Some of you were talking about sex. You're like, oh, I don't have to. And I'm like, well, that's how it becomes consent. And I'm a consent. I don't remember what it was. It was really funny. They're going to listen. I'm like, oh, that makes no sense. That was when we were cuddling. And you said you were going to shove it up my ass. Remember? Oh, because what it was was you, like, pulled your pants down. Because in my work to be a better cuddler, which I've made strides, right? Mm-hmm. Okay. Make sure that I don't breathe on her. So I tilt my head to the side. You know, because I got got that down because you don't like my hot breath on you we figured out the correct appropriate zones where i may put my hand you determined that are they not correct they are correct but you determined i didn't say no you can't rest them on my boots no no no no i'm putting them in places where that there's no that even if i cough or move i cannot be accused of groping right because if i put my arm on your stomach below your boobs on your stomach above your nether region so it's not even close to your vag and nothing's touching your tit that's a safe zone on your side or on your shoulders is a safe zone or on your arm is a safe zone on your hip because you lay on your side on your hip and leg is a safe zone because it's not your butt so this way i cannot be accused of trying to fucking actually make it about me right no make it about sex make it about Well, but every guy But that's a guy making it about themselves. So 6-1. But make it about sex. So it remains cuddling. And you pulled your pants down. And that's why I said, keep doing that. I'm going to stick it up your ass. And you're like, no, you're waiting to be a smart ass. And I said, that's what makes it, not a consent. Which I did not try to stick my dick up your ass at that point. No, he didn't. I didn't. Because it wasn't hard yet. No, he wasn't hard yet. If I'd have been more prepared, I'm going to pop that bucket right in there. No. No, because you're wrong drunk, so I know. No. You don't need lube lube. You need liquid lube. I need liquid lube? You get liquid lube. Oh, liquid. As in terms of like alcohol. Alcohol. Yeah, exactly. Spooning leaves to 14 and 14 leaves to pancakes. Did you need alcohol? For what? Your doctor's appointment. Could have. I could have used a shot afterwards. You know, it's one of those things uh it's been a long time so I've had a guy fucking go do the doctor I've had to have the finger up the butt and also since I've had to have him feel your neck turn your head and cough to feel try to feel a hernia which is whatever when you're you know seventh grade it's embarrassing at 51 with only one night So, uh, just saying, uh uh but this dude was like when he goes resistance is futile it's like well trim your nails just saying or something he had gloves on but he there was still a sharp edge he took a big old scoop i'm like oh this is like yeah ow okay, mm, mm, yeah, ow, okay. Yeah, he learned to relax. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, like you said, resistance, futile, and he was correct. So, yeah, there you go. Pretty exciting. It was an exciting week all the way around. Yeah, that was a fun start to the week. Well, yeah, you know, you start off right. By the way, FYI, if anybody needs to know this Man's neck skin Is thick as nails. That's what we learned. It's tough. There's your tip for the day. Only men. Only men. The nab of our neck, I think it's covered. I'm getting yelled at so much. But that's. You don't get yelled at much No, not at all Did we see that? We had a conversation this week about you femdoming and it's always cute when we bring it up and talk about it, because you're always like, I just don't think I can do that It's like, hmm I think, maybe maybe you can. But I know you I I know what I can get away with saying. Right. Something like that. No, what we were looking at was financial. A fin-dom. A fin-dom. And it said that one of the things, a typical name is a pay pig is what this is. We had a lot of Googling. We were fucking around today. Was it today? Was it yesterday? So I made the joke, of course, that that means all husbands are actually pay pigs. Just kidding. 1950s, here we are again. Make me a drink, bitch. And just, oh, you know, it's fun. This show has been as worthless as tits on a board. I used to do that, though. What? Somewhat. The 50s housewife shit. Let's not say you used to. You did it a couple times. It was awesome. And it was very much appreciated. But it wasn't like a weekly thing that was like, hey, it's Beaver Day. Well, it just depends on how you look at it. Oh, fuck. I stayed home with the kids. That's pretty 50s just right now. I made meals. I started at 2 o'clock in the afternoon to make sure I had the perfect dinner. Sometimes I was lazy, so it wasn't so perfect. What? I made shit at home, man. Stop. Let's take each one of those points, shall we? Oh, fuck. Okay. No. I stayed home with the kids because we figured out that if you worked and we put the kids in daycare, your check would go to pay daycare and then we had to spend every weekend undoing all the shit they learned at daycare. Those perfect meals, which were very, very good. Remember the meals that you find out 25 years later that I didn't like but never said anything? And making shit from scratch, you enjoy cooking and baking, and you're good at it, and you're a tight-ass motherfucker. And so you knew that you could save a shit ton of money by making it versus buying it. All right, so June. June cleaver. As much as it was always very much appreciated.
Speaker2:
You liked coming home to homemade cinnamon rolls and shit.
Speaker3:
No, I did.
Speaker1:
I loved it. The other part of that, what I said was.
Speaker2:
Dishes that you didn't like.
Speaker1:
I never said a word because they were so minor compared to all the things i did like and as i just said it was very much appreciated but let's not act like it was like you were just like you know in your apron fritting around and you know i didn't wear aprons at least not for me i don't know who was over during the day but just saying so so and 50 is nothing is just mannequins. And 50 is nothing because you also did other things. Like, if you want to brag about one, I want to brag about it's roofing the house. You roofed our house. That's a pretty bad. It wasn't 50's housewife, but that was pretty damn badass. That kicked the shit out of any of those other things you just talked about having done. You roofed the fucking
Speaker2:
house. Is that because you don't like heights that it was... I don't like heights. I don't like doing that. Because I was up there in 102 temperature or because I was just busting my ass and busting your ass is hot.
Speaker1:
All of the above. And it was such a badass bitch thing to do. That's a badass bitch and that's hot as fuck.
Speaker2:
So I need to be a badass bitch and that's hot as fuck so i need to be a badass bitch
Speaker1:
no the key is this very important part to make sure we note this part the full phrase is again badass bitch okay so that's super important if we leave the first two words off and we're just bitch that's super important. If we leave the first two words off and we're just bitch, that's not near as exciting. Badass, bitch, fucking incredibly hot. Just a bitch, not as hot. Just saying. So you're saying I was always really close to being a bitch or I was a bitch most of the time. It's just occasionally it was badass. No. The fact that you have to be close to the line, that's part of the badassery is to know when to do it. You never overstepped that line. Ever. All of our 32 years ago, you never overstepped that line. Wow. We know you're lying. Not necessarily. How do we know we're lying? I'm lying. Okay, maybe once or twice that I can't remember. You might have been a bitch. Maybe. But, you know, once again, I don't even remember. Why can we call three times when that was when I was pregnant? Because you're like, oh, my God, you're just so bitchy. Okay, three times out of 32 years, not bad. No, but there was way more than that no there couldn't have been ways because i didn't always say that loud at least not to you maybe in the car on the way to work out mother fuck what the fuck was that i'm kidding i'm kidding you were never a bitch i'm such a cunt i i'm the one saying you're not you're the one one wanting me to say it. Yes, you fucking suck. You are such a rag. Does that make it better? Holy shit. I'm the one sitting there going, no, you weren't. Fuck you. I don't care anymore at this point in time. Trying to be nice, fuck off.
Speaker3:
Whatever.
Speaker2:
I'm picking on you. I'm picking on you.
Speaker3:
I know. Bitch.
Speaker1:
All three words are very important in the process life is about words they mean something okay they do yes they do yes yep and i'm trying to be better about communicating them and complimenting you.
Speaker2:
Good job, honey. Okay, why do you have to say it like that, like it's all condescending?
Speaker4:
Because I'm being a bitch, duh.
Speaker2:
Hey, I can't wait till we fucking cuddle again, bitch.
Speaker1:
I can go and fucking play this fucking game. No worries. Get away from me. Sit on your own fucking side of the camera. Just say, don't get off me. Yuck, you cootie fucking. Get away from me, cooties girl. I ain't giving you any of your fucking love language. Fuck off, you fucker. Just so y'all know I'm in the market for a girlfriend. You can be a badass bitch, just don't be a bitch. I've got one of those. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh, shut up.
Speaker2:
Anyways, wow.
Speaker1:
I'm just picking on you. Don't touch it unless you're going to suck my dick. That's so soft. One, two. You're up to two. Don't stop now. You got two fucking blowjobs to go. You should pat me some more. Just saying. You're using me. No, I did not grab your hand and go, like I normally would, judge me. See, I just kissed it quickly.
Speaker2:
Yes, but this is also the risk, so please stop.
Speaker1:
Anyways, I'm trying to build strength in it. Let's get off the fucking air. This is horrible.
Speaker3:
Yeah. Okay.
Speaker1:
We're going to have a conversation.
Speaker2:
About what?
Speaker1:
Podcast etiquette. Bad etiquette. Bad etiquette. Okay, you're doing fine.
Speaker2:
Nah, we're just fucking around.
Speaker1:
What does that look for?
Speaker2:
Because I can see a wet willy coming.
Speaker1:
How about I? Anyway.
Speaker2:
I knew it.
Speaker3:
Surprise.
Speaker1:
All right, with that being said, I didn't fuck her.
Speaker2:
You want to.
Speaker3:
Who? I don't know.
Speaker1:
I've got a few people in mind that you want to fuck. I'm keeping a list. Mm-hmm. It's okay. You might try checking it twice. Only on Saturdays. Only on fucking Saturdays. Saturdays. Fuck. Jesus. On what day? Nothing. I just... Anyways. Alright. With that being said, we're getting the fuck out of here. Sponsors, we got them. ASN Lifestyle Magazine, Motor Bunny, and Smoking Meets, BBQTreats.com.
Speaker3:
Check them out.
Speaker1:
Don't forget to vote for us, please. We really want some more hardware. We don't want to drive all the way to the Poconos to watch other people bring our trophies home. That's sad.
Speaker3:
Aww.
Speaker1:
So, we'll see you all again real soon. Don't forget, you can still buy tickets for crazy summer nights.
Speaker2:
Coming up.
Speaker1:
42 days.
Speaker2:
Faster than I want it to.
Speaker1:
Well, why is that pumpkin?
Speaker2:
Because of my birthday. Yes, keep your mouth shut. You can just skip the birthday part and just go for the party.
Speaker1:
It's no longer 53 days away.'s 42 days away just saying anyways you also get tickets for crazy winter nights crazy Vegas nights and my birthday when I'll be 52 hello damn anyway so check itasmid.com. Follow us on Twitter. Don't forget to follow Miss Amanda and follow her stuff in her nakedness and pornery as we go through. I don't know if that's a word or not, but it sounds really good. Yeah, it did, but I don't think it's... Pornery. It doesn't sound hardcore. It doesn't sound scary. Pornary sounds sweet and loving and intimate, but it's not. Anyways, with that being said, doing it the only way I know how, the only way I want to, the only way I ever fucking will. Casbah Style, out.
