Declining ettiquette

This is a slippery slope. We mainly attend parties at a local club to meet folks While there we have had the need to turn down a few people or at least turn them down for "now". Most get the hint but how you do it without upsetting the other party or encouraging them to keep trying is the question. I mean do you tell someone "We don't like sloppy drunks and honestly even had you not spilled over half your beer on my foot without noticing the answer would still be no." or 'The night is still young and we have others we would like to talk to."? We usually try to be gentle and used the second in order to get away from the sloppy drunk who sadly kept coming back even though her husband did not. In fact it took stating bluntly "We are not that attracted to you and your husband and our interests are not the same in regards to what goes on in the bedroom.' We had already mentioned we were not into BDSM and she made it clear my wife's ass begged to be spanked in her drunken state. BTW even then it took us declining a second invite to a house party saying we were not into Karaoke and drinking before it seemed she finally got the hint. It took two more parties at the club before she even said hit to us again. Her husband was as friendly as always and I think understood things. Mostly though it seems the simply a "We need to go get a snack, speak to someone, or just want to go see what is going on somewhere in the club." works and folks tend to move on finding someone they click with. Of course that also leaves thing open to a second "chance" as it were and we have been thankful that happens because there have been times we got to know someone a little more and changed our outlook. Of course there is always (like the last party) times we were not at the top of our game so to speak and while we had fun simply relaxed and chilled that evening with both of us having a backache and being a bit on the tired side of things.

The bigger issue though is how does one turn someone down without making a scene in a more public setting like say over coffee, dinner, or drinks at a bar. The answer is it depends on who you are turning down. Simply put you cannot know how someone will react to being turned down. Sadly most folks think "If we are meeting up then it is likely we will be having sex later." The key is to make sure everyone understands this is just a meeting like say an interview if you will. Nothing will likely happen at this meeting it is just to get to know one another and then we will need to talk with each other before we set something up for the future or not. This means that you can end the evening on "We had a good time and will be in touch." and then the next day send the "We don't think it is going to work" message. Alternately you can excuse yourselves for a few moments then come back to the table with "We talked and if you are interested we would like to take things further in the future this evening." Of course in either case you cannot be sure how the other party will react but with the first response it hopefully delays the negative public reaction, the second well depends on how they feel about it. BTW what is in "" is only a suggestion and you can build on it working up your own way to say it. The key is to fend off a negative public reaction because depending on the other party it could be negative (at least it is just through messages hopefully) or gracious and not knowing which means you have to control the when.

We've been looking for a way to handle this for quite some time now. It's funny that in such an adult lifestyle there's so many childish people. Recently we were approached on the site by a couple that turns out we knew outside of this. That we knew each other already made them assume they were an automatic shoe-in. Started texting directly and making plans. We told them that we were sorry but there was no interest in them sexually. The wife lost it. Nasty texts, removed us from Facebook, lol. Seriously? Then with people we didn't know previously it's been driving us crazy that they seem to be under the impression that just because we met them for dinner to see them in person and learn a bit more about them, it means we're headed to the bedroom. We're selective and a four way attraction is not easy. We're content to count some of these people as friends but we're not going to fuck them however so many are all or nothing. If we don't want to fuck them then we're not worth talking to. ::rolleyes:: We don't want to just start ghosting people but it seems that might be the only way to let people know we're not interested in them in that way and avoid the following temper tantrum.

One more quick story from another recent couple. They approached us on here. They have a relationship dynamic that already puts them behind the 8 ball with us. We send a message each back and forth and suggest we take it to the app so we can group chat together and see how we mesh. The guy says no, they don't want to chat. Says the only way to know is to meet in person. We say we prefer to chat since free time is precious and we didnt even talk to the woman yet but whatever, we agree to meet and set a date. As the date approaches, we get messages saying things like "so you guys are hosting after, right"? LOL, slow your roll kid, we have't even MET you but you've already placed yourself in our bedroom after dinner the night we meet? Needless to say, they have't made it to our home.

My husband and I meet people for the first time mainly at parties or clubs to avoid the awkwardness of a date with no chemistry. It’s been working for us. We have however had people get angry for politely declining their repeated offers via IM or (back when it was a feature) email. I always see it as having dodged a bullet. If a person becomes angry at a polite “no thank you,” then they are definitely someone with a personality who I’m not interested in playing with. I’ve also had people get angry when I’ve said “we don’t believe there is chemistry” or some other more definitive version of no. It just seems like if they’re jerks, then they’re going to get upset no matter how you handle it.

We try to be as courteous as we can when the interest isn't there. There have been a few couples that we didn't feel IT. Then a few months later, it was like, "Let's go!!" Since bridges are harder to build than burn, we really don't like to burn any bridges.

In fact, we have heard comments (third person) from a couple we did not see a connection with, and they told others, "What a cool couple. We met them and they were great." And go figure, a year later, we were playing with them at a party.

But if you know there is NO FUCKING way this is ever going to happen, be gentle. Now, if they are total assholes, there is no need to be gentle.

We're not sure which is harder, giving a rejection, or taking one. We would rather receive it, since we know how to handle a rejection. Some people are very thin skinned.

Often times we try and stay away from anything other than, "It was great to meet you all and we hope that you find who you are looking for." Generally, it is mutually evident when there just isn't any chemistry.

Awkwardness ensues just about anytime reasons are asked for, demanded, or given. We have seen plenty of wounded feelings and poor behavior after a polite rejection. I don't think there is really anything anyone can do to stop some people from taking things personally. Perhaps they thought it was a done deal, only had one evening that month to meet, had a long day at work, had never been turned down before, or weren't aware that they had chronic halitosis.

We have seen some silliness to avoid the awkwardness of rejection as well. Most often we see this at parties. Most often though polite behavior wins the day.

We had a similar situation a while back. The wife did not like the way he approach her. He was very demanding. I stepped in and politely told them we were not interested. He got mad and made a scene. You can be polite and say no and they get mad or just say no.

On a few occasions, my husband and I have met a couple and we're just not attracted. Typically, I have been very kind, but truthful. I'll normally say something like, "we enjoyed meeting you, but we just feel that there's not enough equal attraction between us. We hope to see you around and wish you the best "

Most recently, we came across another of these situations. My husband was bothered, because, he said, that we've said this to a few couples, but nobody has ever said it to us.

I pointed out that, although nobody has ever said this to us, we have been blown off many times with lies and lame excuses. One night, following a date that had a lot of lead-up, the other couple chose to fake a family emergency to bow out, going to the length of faking a phone call and summoning fake tears. It was weird and awkward.

This whole adventure is about sexual relationships. It requires maturity, and, I believe, honesty. Why do so many people find it difficult or scary to be honest and kind? Why the need to hide behind lies? Aren't we grown-ups?