Episode 76: Be Authentic- Acknowledging All Facets of You

Transcript

This podcast contains explicit language and content and is for mature audiences only. Hey you teenagers out there, if you're under 18, this show is more for your parents. So now that you have that mental picture stuck in your head, put some music on and get back to doing your homework. We are a long-time married couple who's decided to chronicle our personal adventures and share our sex-pos positive discussions as we navigate our way through the swinging lifestyle. Care to join us?

hello everyone i'm mr jones and i'm mrs jones and we want to welcome you to episode 76 of the we got a thing podcast this title's all yours it's a mouthful well tonight we wanted to talk about how to acknowledge all facets of yourself so our title is be authentic acknowledge all facets of Thank you. We wanted to talk about how to acknowledge all facets of yourself. So our title is Be Authentic, Acknowledge All Facets of You. Okay. I guess you're going to explain this later.

Well, yeah, we're in the middle of a pandemic, and I think our priorities have changed, and our balance could possibly be a little out of balance. Out of balance, yeah. Out of kilter. Yeah. So we're going to talk about that tonight. We were supposed to talk about STIs. Our past two episodes were on health and we said we were going to do this month on STIs, but this topic seems to be more timely and relevant. Because a stupid pandemic is still going strong. So we haven't forgotten.

We keep thinking, oh, this is the last month that we're going to be under stay-at-home orders and wearing masks and this and that. And I think we're in this for the long haul. Well, there's no sense in talking about STIs when nobody's playing now anyway. That's true. When things get back to normal, it'll be more appropriate. I know. So the STI test you had back in March probably still applies at this point, which is a good thing, I guess. But yeah. Yeah. So there's not a lot.

We were hoping last month that we would be able to say this month that we got back out and did some stuff but it's all been still just virtual yeah it has been except for the fact that our guest bedroom bed is full of stuff i'm actually packing yes yeah i finally highly encouraged mrs jones to book us a few days at the beach as in you bullied me yeah so we're gonna go to the beach on um saturday two days from now yeah and uh just you and me yep and we have a condo on the beach i'm probably going to be extremely antisocial but we'll be at the beach we'll at our happy place.

We're going to work from our condo and go hang out on the beach, hopefully socially distance from everybody else. And I don't know. We're not going to go bar hopping, though. No, we're going to bring booze with us. Yeah, it's going to be a different kind of trip for us, but it's going to be fun. The restaurants are open outside. We'll be able to eat outside. Yeah. I don't think it's going to be too much different. And that's because our nest is still not empty and it's not going to be empty for a while. Yeah. So we are definitely escaping reality.

Well, that's why, because, and we'll talk more about this in a second, but everybody's situation has changed or at least been put on pause over the past few months. And ours has changed in a way that we've had March, let's see, April, May, June. It's going to be six months. It's been three months that they've been with us. And we're halfway there. And we have three months to go. Lord, help me. You all that have kids probably don't have any sympathy for us, but we've been, you don't understand. You don't understand. We've been out of practice.

And at my age, I get, as much as I love having them here at a certain time of the day, I just, I'm going downstairs. I have got to get away from this. It usually has something to do with some sort of game after dinner. Yeah, Racco this week. You get nasty. You're nasty. Well, you know, all games are dumb. I don't like playing any games, even with my granddaughter, especially when she whoops me. Oh, boy. Well, see, so like, okay, so tonight, okay, well, we grilled out tonight.

It tonight it was a nice day so we you had a beer while you were grilling and i decided you shouldn't drink alone so i had one with you and then we had wine with dinner and then we came downstairs to kind of go over our outline and we weren't drinking anything and i'm like um mr jones i i don't think i can record a drink. So I went upstairs and I made myself like a legit drink for, for real. Like I'm drinking bourbon. I know that's a shocker to a lot of you guys out there that know my, my taste in liquor, but, um, I'm drinking a bourbon drink. It doesn't look like a bourbon drink.

It's a paper plane. Oh, so it's bourbon and, um, Aperol and something else and lemon juice. and it's a paper plane oh so it's bourbon and um aperol and something else and lemon juice and um it's really tasty and what are you drinking water costco water well we what's wrong with you mr jones we have had some excitement in our lives if you if you'll remember a few months ago how excited Mrs. Jones got when we bought a new dishwasher. Oh, yeah. We just bought a new washer and dryer. I know. We got the dreaded error code on our dryer that basically said, replace the board.

And then when we started looking at the price of the board, the circuit board, we were just like, forget it.

And the washer still worked, but the washer was how many years old the dryer was only like 10 years old the washer was 20 yeah yeah so we got a new washer and dryer yes we got in the and we paid extra to have the dudes install them so i wouldn't have to install them and the second day we had the the washer and dryer i walked into the bedroom and all of a sudden here's here's the big difference that i noticed you you would only do laundry when i absolutely ran out of underwear before and i started complaining now since we've had this new washer and dryer i think you've done you've done laundry like three times.

No, I do it once a week. Silly. Okay. Well, it must've been once a month before. Cause it was every couple of weeks. Okay. But I walked into the bedroom the other day and you walked out of your bathroom and you said, honey, have I told you lately how much I'd love my new dryer? And for a moment there, until you got to the end of that sentence, I thought you were talking about me. Well, you bought it for me. I mean. And then. It gets the clothes dry. Like the old dryer wasn't drying the clothes. And then the other night you said, I can't believe how big this thing is. I can't get over it.

And I said, what are you talking about? And you said this washing machine. I know. Like I wasn't talking about your dick. I'm sorry. I know. Anyway, you do have a thing for appliances. I do. It's very easy to make me happy. Yeah. So that was exciting. In the middle of a pandemic, that was way exciting. Yes. Yeah.

A little bit of exciting sexual stuff was that in our we got a thing private community we have a men's only group and we did a chat and we invited mickey from casual swinger to come into our men's chat and we had almost 40 guys meeting right it was a zoom meeting one night and we wanted to talk about men's sex toys. So since Mickey and Mallory have casual toys, and you can find them on our website, I invited him to come talk about men's sex toys. And we just, he didn't come in to sell toys.

He came in to talk about like the stigma behind why men are ashamed to masturbate and why men don't talk a lot about sex toys like women do. And it was a really, really good conversation. And a lot of guys learned a whole lot of stuff. So I have a new toy to bring to the beach with us. Awesome. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Because I do have a huge bag full of toys, i can make room for one more yeah it's called a vibrating stroker oh i haven't figured it out yet supposedly we can both use it at the same time how i'm i'm trying to wrap my head around that one well i have to show you the pictures you the pictures. Okay. Yeah. All right. We'll report back next time. Yeah. On the vibrating stroker. Yeah. So hopefully next week, you know, but we, we've been pushing our plans back like a month at a time and we do have some plans in July that I don't think we're going to cancel. Yeah.

I mean, thank goodness for, um, Southwest airlines where they don't have any change fees because yeah we've been switching stuff around but yeah I have these airline tickets purchased and I'm not going to change them damn it no we're not going to change them yeah so we do have a weekend trip planned in July with some friends that we haven't seen in a long time we still are hoping to be able to go to Desire in August August the 6th through the 12th to Des Pearl. So if you're going to be there, give us a holler.

I did get an email from Desire today, and they said that Pearl is still on target to officially open on July 1st. Right. So fingers crossed. Yes. And for those of you who are confused about the border being closed. Are you talking to me? Because I was confused. Yes. The border is closed between the U.S. and Mexico, but the airport is open. Right. So I guess when the borders are closed, they're just talking about people like driving across. Yes. So you can still fly in? Yes. Okay. So we'll see. As of today. Yeah. Again, we'll report back after August 6th. Yeah. So when we come back, Mrs.

Jones is going to explain to me and all the rest of you what we mean. I'm going to explain it. Yeah. Oh, boy. I may help you a little. Okay. Yeah, we just want to talk about how is be authentic acknowledge all facets of you what's a facet I'll see you next time. Okay. Well, welcome back to segment two. Our topic tonight is be authentic. Acknowledge all facets of you. What's a facet? Let's just start here. Well, gosh, for women and men, it might be slightly different. Okay. But so like for women, I'm thinking, okay, I'm a mom. I'm a homemaker I am a wife I am a career person I'm a homemaker.

I am a wife. I am a career person. Um, I'm a daughter and you know, I have to get all of these things put in the big basket of life and sorted out. And I'm supposed to be good at all of them at the same time. Got it. On demand. Okay. And the reality is that that is Thank you.

good at all of them at the same time got it on demand okay and the reality is that that is virtually impossible i mean just just like today i was chatting with with some lady friends and we were talking about like they there are these things actually that exist called rage rooms have you ever heard of them no i i don't know what they are exactly i think they're basically a padded room where you can just go and absolutely like have a complete freak out and it's like a big padded room where you can't hurt yourself but you can literally like just take every frustration out on the world i don't know maybe we need one i.

Truly, I could use a rage room every now and again. But, you know, I think it's frustrating to try to live up to the expectation of being a good wife, a good mom, a good career person, a good homemaker, you know, a good daughter, a good aunt or whatever, a good friend. And all of these things are supposed to be happening simultaneously. And then we have this health crisis, you know, thrust upon us that nobody could even imagine how to handle.

You know, we're all like learning as we go on how this is supposed to work and and how do you keep all of these like balls in the air so to speak as you know as we're juggling life it's it's just really easy to let a ball drop and and honestly when you think about it as you're homeschooling your kids and you're keeping groceries in your house and you're, you know, you're doing Zoom meetings for work and, and this and that and the other, you, your partner can actually get put on the back burner and not only your partner, but just yourself. Yeah.

And I think sometimes the relationship part, the sexual part of ourselves, that's the easiest facet of ourselves to kind of leave down there in the bottom of the basket. So especially since we are in the midst of this pandemic and we're in survival mode. Exactly. I mean, a lot of us are struggling with employment and finances. A lot of us have family that have moved back in. A lot of us are struggling with employment and finances. A lot of us have families that have moved back in. A lot of us have kids that were at college that are now at home.

A lot of us have elementary and, well, middle and high school kids that were homeschooling or they're learning online because they're not there. And they think the whole whole pandemic is your fault yeah you know i i just think there's so many things going on all at once that we've never really had to deal with and in this way before and um and so the the thing that falls to the bottom of the barrel is could be your priority with with your partner, your sex life. Right.

And it's just, um, it's important to be able to take a step back every once in a while and do a reset, you know, in the scheme of things, you know, nobody's going to starve to death. You know, you might want to kill your kids, but you're not going to kill your kids. They're going to be fine. It's weird and scary that they're not in school and they have no structure right now, or at least not the structure that they're used to. And we just all feel so responsible.

And it's scary to have a career where, um, like the, the whole dynamic of your, your work relationships has changed and, and it might make you feel a little insecure and it makes you feel like you have to try harder or prioritize your career even more than you used to, to make sure that you're still performing at the level that you need to, to be successful. And all of these things are happening simultaneously. Right. Um, sometimes that makes sexy fun seem not so much of a priority. Yeah.

And, and honestly it's probably not, but I guess what we want to talk about tonight is how to kind of just reset your perspective and, and realize that the, the world is really going to continue. Yeah. And, and at the, at the end of the day, this is all going to settle in somehow. And you and your partner are still going to be sitting across the table from each other like, Hey, I remember you.

And, you know, how do we keep that at least simmering until we have time to actually focus on each other again okay so I guess what made me think about this is I was running about a month ago and I can't run unless I listen to a podcast and Brene Brown has a new podcast out called Unlocking Us. I think she started it like early March. And she was doing it weekly for a while. I think she's kind of settled into maybe every other week or something now. But, you know, she is amazing. She's done a couple incredible TED Talks. And her podcast does not disappoint.

And some of the episodes she does on her own, but she's been bringing a lot of really interesting people on to interview and talk about books they have written or different talks they have done on the speaking circuit or whatever. But the one episode that really caught my attention is, um, she interviewed, um, an author called Glennon Doyle, and she recently wrote a book called Untamed. And this interview just spoke to me so deeply. Like I could have ended up running a marathon that day cause I didn't want to stop listening to what was going on in this conversation between Brene and Glennon.

It was fascinating. So much so that you made me listen to it. Well, not only did I make you listen to it, I made you listen to it, um, after on one of our rare Saturday nights where we managed to sneak downstairs by ourselves and I actually had lingerie on.

And, you know, our basement like at our little wet bar ready to go into our playroom and I'm like honey I listened to the most interesting podcast on my run today and I could tell you were like what the fuck like we're supposed to be like having sexy time I had on like this new really sexy bra and panty set and I start telling you about this book and and I know you didn't want to listen but actually you did listen because it's just it's such an interesting story and I'm gonna probably completely butcher this but the the book untamed that Glennon Doyle wrote is kind of the the premise behind the whole book is this story about Glennon taking her daughter to the zoo.

Um, her daughter was a fairly young child at this point in time, but they went to the zoo and they were watching, um, a demonstration by some of the zookeepers with an, uh, with a cheetah. It was a young cheetah and they were talking about how they were trying to tame this cheetah by introducing the baby cheetah to a Labrador retriever because a Labrador retriever is obviously a domestic animal and they're one of the most docile laid back domestic pets that you could have. So what they did is they, they partnered this adult female Labrador retriever with this baby female cheetah.

And the cheetah grew up with this Labrador. And of course the Labrador is like completely lazy and laid back and, and whatever. And the cheetah kind of learned to model the behavior of the Labrador, and of course the Labrador is like completely lazy and laid back and whatever. And the cheetah kind of learned to model the behavior of the Labrador. So they were watching a demonstration about, they tied this like stupid little furry pink bunny on the back of this, the bumper of this Jeep.

and they drove this jeep around this like track and the Labrador, of course course would chase the pink stuffed bunny because all labradors like to chew up stuffed animals so you know that was cool and all that but then they did the exact same thing they came back around and instead of having the labrador chase the bunny they took this young cheetah and had her chase the bunny and the cheetah chased the bunny just like the Labrador did, which is somewhat uncharacteristic of a cheetah because normally they're not trainable.

And so while the cheetah was with the Labrador and the cheetah was exhibiting the behaviors of a dog essentially. But then what Glennon noticed and her daughter noticed when they put the cheetah back in the cheetah, um, area, the cheetah, the whole cheetah's demeanor changed.

Like the cheetah started acting like a cheetah again, like her shoulders started like rearing back up and she was like prowling around like she wanted to escape and go back into the wild and actually hunt something instead of chasing a silly pink bunny that she never caught because the lab never caught it and the whole the whole idea of trying to tame a cheetah that is just intrinsically a wild animal that's meant to hunt and kill was kind of crazy. I mean, it's good in theory, but the cheetah is still a cheetah. Yeah.

And then after she tells the story, she tells the story about what if you were able to talk to this cheetah the cheetah's in her cage she's prowling the perimeter of her cage and she looks restless and she asks her you know what are you thinking and the cheetah says something's not right um i just don't feel like myself yeah i don't feel like myself there's something more i feel like i should be running i feel like i should be hunting and killing. I feel like I should be sleeping, you know, in the plains, um, under the dark ink, you know, sky at night, but I'm in this cage.

And she feels like that there's something more, but she resigns herself to say, well, this is a pretty good life. I'll just stay. I'll just be happy where I am. Right. I mean, all the cheetah's needs were being met. You know, she had food, she had water, she had security. So all of her basic needs were being met, but she still knew that there was something out there that she couldn't quite attain. Right. And the cheetah, in the story, the cheetah, she says the cheetah would ask me, you know, is it strange for me to feel this way?

And, and, uh, Glennon says, you're a goddamn cheetah, you know, meaning you're not a dog, you're a goddamn cheetah. So I believe where you're headed with this is that women and men are trained to do the things that you talked about before. Well, right. I mean, I could like totally go on a rant right now. You know, what does society do to us? You know, as, as women, we are taught to be these selfless creatures because obviously we're designed to give birth and to be mothers. And, and that is our main purpose of life.

Um, you know, just according to like, I don't know, like societal norms, I guess. And at this point in time, for those of you who know, Brene Brown, this is where she said, and that's a bunch of bullshit. And, you know, I, I think, you know, being a good mom, you put your kids first, being a good wife, you put your husband first, being a good daughter, you always defer to your parents, your parents are always right, you do what your parents say, you know, being a good employee, you know, you, you do what needs to be done.

Um, you know, this isn't as prevalent as it used to be, but a lot of times women would work for less, you know, I'm coming out of the education field and I was always taught, well, if you love the kids, you'll say after school and tutor them for free and you'll do this and you'll do that and do whatever it takes.

And I did because I loved my kids, you know, and i just think as women we just are taught to be givers and that goddamn cheetah has been taught to become a labrador right and and we should be okay with that if we're a good wife and a good mother and a good daughter and a good employee and a good whatever. Yeah, not only should you be satisfied with being selfless, but that should be your mantra. Yes, to be selfless. To be selfless. Yes. And again, we're discovering that's bullshit.

And as you were thinking, even though this podcast is primarily about a woman, it's a woman's story, it applies to men too. Thank you. Bullshit. And as you were, as you were thinking, even though this podcast is primarily about a woman and so it's a woman's story, it applies to men too. You know, when I was listening to Brené's podcast, I was totally thinking this could apply to men. It is not gender specific. And so what I was thinking about when I'm thinking about, okay, if society teaches a woman to be selfless, what do they teach a man? And what does it teach a man?

And thinking back, I've been taught that I'm to be the provider. I'm to be the breadwinner of the family. I'm supposed to earn the money. I'm supposed to grab the power. I'm supposed to climb the corporate ladder. I'm supposed to get at a higher rank or a more prestigious title. I'm a competitor. I'm not supposed to let anybody else win. And then this last one on the list, I'll let you add in. Well, you're supposed to be really good at fucking. And by fucking, I mean fucking. Like, you know, making love is a lot of give and take.

But like when you watch like mainstream porn, I mean, in in mainstream porn, like the guys just fuck. They're like, they're like machines. Like what? What are the like? What am I trying to think of? The piston. No, no. What's the word? Yeah. Well, like the verse effect 7000. Yeah yeah. But what is, like the pneumatic piston, just, you know, boom, until you get it done. Right. Like, that's, I guess, like a, what is it? Like you're accomplishing a goal because there's a finish line. Right.

So as we were talking about these things, about society, and society gets the blame for a lot of things, but society includes our parents and our family and our friends and our pastors and our teachers and everybody that influences us in life and the culture and the world that we live. What we've noticed about, and I think we've mentioned this before, what we've noticed about men and women in the lifestyle, however, is that women seem to be hesitant at first. Yeah, I was. I mean, I was like, there is just no way I'm going to risk my marriage to do this. Like, it's not going to be worth it.

Not just your marriage, but your reputation. You're a good girl. Oh, wow, yeah, I used to be. Yeah, if you can think back several years ago. Right. And so while the women are being hesitant to engage or even consider it, the men are really interested and they're leading the way. They're almost pulling the wife or pushing the wife into it. Yeah, definitely. To a large degree. This is a generalization, but we hear this a lot and we've experienced it.

But then what happens is once a couple gets into the lifestyle and gets a little bit of experience, the ladies seem to adapt quickly and then they're off to the races.

you know like i think i'm i'm normally slow to make a decision and and like i can totally go off on a tangent here and and just talk about our trip next week like how many days did i have that tab open on my computer in my browser for this stupid condo that i stopped asking about it well finally like okay so today's Thursday I think I booked it on Tuesday and we're leaving on Saturday and we've been talking about this for a few days so finally like on on Tuesday Mr.

Jones said so I'm assuming we're not going to the beach because you have not like hit the confirm button yet although the tab was still open and I would and I would literally like refresh it like every few hours to see if the condo I was hoping that somebody would book the condo so that we couldn't go and I just couldn't do it I could not hit book now and then once you bullied me into it and I hit it like I've done nothing but pack and like I think I've packed every piece of lingerie I have in every sex toy and I've packed books and I've downloaded books on my kindle for the ones that I don't have in paperback and I am just like beyond excited to get away but it took me forever to hit the confirm button on the computer.

So once I did, I'm like, hell yeah, let's go. Oh, so that's how you're finally going to tie this back into what we're talking about. Yes. I think a lot of times women I'm thinking, oh, I can't leave them home alone. Like, um, we could go down there and get sick and then we're going to come back and have to self isolate. Like we're going to have to get COVID tested after we come home. Like I'm thinking of all these things that could go wrong.

So like six years ago, when we were talking about the lifestyle, I'm thinking like, if we do this, like we could totally like mess up our marriage and we could end up fighting about this. And why are we doing this? It's not worth it. Like we already have a great marriage. Like why would I want to do this? So it took me forever to say yes. But once you did, hell yeah, it was fun. Yeah. Okay. Right. That's just like, hell yeah. I'm ready to go to the beach now. It's the exact same thing. I am very slow to decide.

men on the other hand want to jump in and then once the life once they get in the lifestyle i know like your favorite expression is book it i mean you just want me to book it and make it so that analogy doesn't work for me on vacations so you'll have to keep that just for you because i want to go on the vacation and i enjoy the vacation and the lifestyle men jump in and then they become more hesitant all of a sudden they start seeing their wife with somebody else and there's pressure to perform and it it's not it's not like the fantasy that they had in their head it's reality so guys kind of step back a little bit yeah so all of a sudden the shit gets real so what we were thinking about is what about if a man becomes more hesitant and a woman wants to go great guns then are you discovering your inner cheetah yes and to a certain degree am i discovering facets about my own self that are leading me to say wait a minute what am i doing what am i why am i doing this and it's not what i thought it was going to be i'm just not going to come in here and fuck like a pneumatic hammer.

Right. Um, so you know, what, why is this? Well, you know, I, I mean, I, these are huge, ridiculous generalizations, but I'm going to roll with it anyway. Um, I think that we women tend to tamp down our sexuality to focus on becoming mothers and professionals. I think it's getting much easier on the professional realm because generations have passed and women do have a better voice in the workplace than we used to. But still, I think women are very aware of having to prove themselves in the workplace.

At the same time, being an amazing mother and the cupcakes for the birthdays and all that garbage. But when you got into the lifestyle, though, was it all of a sudden when you discovered this about yourself and you discovered, you started to rediscover your sexuality, did it feel natural? Did it feel like that was something that? I think once you take the cupcakes and the work stuff and you put that in its proper place and you say, okay, I'm allowed to actually spend a little time to focus on my sexuality, either as an individual or my, my sexual relationship with my spouse or my partner.

Um, I think once you make that decision to take time for that and to bring that back into the forefront of your life, I think, yeah, I think, um, maybe women are just really good at once we make the decision, we've made the decision, but we're going to roll with it. ask a different way. Do you feel like you're tapping into how you're really wired? Yes, because I think it was there all along. Right. I think it's just been put in a folder in the back of the file cabinet for a while. Right. While other things have either had to or just generally because of societal norms become a priority. Right.

So it's, it's years of knowing there was more, but maybe accepting the status quo and that you have to shed the guilt and the shame that came along with everything that you were taught.

The guilt and the shame of of of discovering your sexuality when you were trained when you're trained to be selfless and all of a sudden your sexuality is is a very selfish thing you want to experience pleasure right i mean like isn't it funny that um getting married and and then starting a family is such a beautiful like pure thing to do but you had to have some sex to like start that family but nobody ever talks about that right but it's there and and that passion for your partner is what creates this amazing family but then once the family is created, now all of that passion has to be like put back.

Yeah. It's stifled. Yeah. Yes. And, and so you're, I believe to put it a little more succinctly, I believe that women discover something about themselves and it feels so right. And it feels so good that they can move into the space quicker than men can. Yes. Because like I said, is once we noodle through something and we make a decision, we've made the decision. So, okay, we're going to give this a try. Let's figure it out and let's move forward. Yeah, but still, just because you make a decision doesn't mean that it's going to work out right. No, it doesn't. You get into this.

What I'm getting at is you're, the decision is one thing, but once you get into it, all of a sudden you're like, these are my people. This feels right. This is good. You're discovering this parts of you that were a cheetah and not a Labrador right right so so for the men though you're you're shedding a lot of what society has thrust upon you and men have to do the same thing and so all that i said earlier about how men are trained then we we're struggling too because we have to give up control. I mean, you're with somebody else.

Um, I have to give up, um, looking at the other man as a competitor because we're all about competition. It's like, we're coming at our sexuality from polar opposite ends. Right. Right.

You know, you're having to dial it back and we're we're like hell yeah we can let our hair down and actually have some fun and not be judged right and because you know there's and then i realized there's a pressure to perform and i've never thought about that before i just thought it would come naturally or i'm struggling with self-confidence And self, because self-confidence in the bedroom with another woman, self-confidence has to come from within. When I'm at work, I'm playing a role. Um, you know, but when, but I'm not playing that role of a sudden it's on me as a person.

And I don't know how to deal with that because I'm not behind a desk and a nameplate and a title and and a career and all of these things that i've put that represent me are stripped away and and i panic because i'm a guy i'm i'm that's why i believe that's what happens to the man and then they see their wives or their partners taken off and that causes issues then then you spiral downward because of that see i think this is amazing because all that gets stripped away and you feel vulnerable all that bullshit gets stripped away from a woman right and she's like oh my god i'm free right right that's why well in our little sample size that's that explains why women are much more comfortable in the lifestyle initially than men are yeah i mean once i make the decision and i just let my hair down and i'm like you know what here i am i am who i am and have fun.

And yeah, I've had a couple of kids and I ain't perfect anymore, but I just want to have fun. And accept me for who I am or move on to somebody else. And if I, and if I'm, and it's liberating for women. And if I have to rely on myself and I'm in a brand new location or place and all those other things that protect me are gone. Those walls are gone. I look at my body, you know, I look at my penis and it's really nice and, and the BIA, but all of a sudden I'm thinking of it differently. Like, like you said before, we're just trained to, to use it. Yeah.

But, but not to connect with it and not to, you know, not, not to exactly. That's why I'm using the word fuck. I mean, the word fuck is just like mechanical. Right. Okay. So this, this takes a lot of, so I think that's one thing that the lifestyle thrusts upon us.

If you decide to into the lifestyle you're put into this position you have to accept that you you have to be introspective and figure out what's going on as a man and as a woman too and as a couple so there there comes a point in time where you have to be introspective and you have to self you have to examine yourself And you have to start to understand why is this going on and then you have to understand that oh okay i was taught this but now i'm seeing this and there's discomfort moving away from what everyone else does and how they do it right because we all have this guilt and shame that has been like beat into us from you know just being raised in society and and you know this is right and this is wrong and you do this and you don't do that and you don't ever think about this because you know that isn't the what good people do.

Right. And that's crazy because we are all sexual beings right and this this introspection can be first of all you don't have to come into the lifestyle for this to happen you can just be a curious person and you can you can deconstruct these things yourself or you can be encouraged to do it, with your partner support. You know, your partner can come to you and say, hey, have you thought about this? Or do you have you thought about why you're like this?

And even in our community, we have ladies groups and men's groups, and we've connected with lifestyle friends that you can also talk to about it and they can encourage you and kind of walk you through this. Or it can be brought on through engaging in the lifestyle. But I think there's this tension. There's this, once you do this for a while, and you start to feel like this is right and it's natural and it's good, but at the same time you're being pulled in the other direction and you're saying this is wrong. It's bad. It's evil. It's sinful. It's going to ruin your marriage. It's adultery.

And that tension, it pulls you back and forth. Until for us, once we got to a certain point in time, and of course it had something to do with us being outed but we couldn't go back right because what we're what we were being pulled into was more real and right and authentic than what we were being pulled away from right um it's kind of sad to acknowledge that but it's true right so then So then, well, let me ask you, what have you learned about yourself?

What, what are these facets about yourself compared to what society has taught you now that you're a woman in the lifestyle and you've discovered these things about yourself? What, how is that different? Well, I think it's helped me like just rebalance who I am. Like, you know, what makes me happy? You know, what, what is it about myself and, and what I provide to myself and to those around me that satisfies me and makes me feel like I'm contributing to, I guess, but to, to the people around me. And, and I think what makes me feel self-fulfilled is, I mean, I like to use my intellect.

I find that gratifying. I find it stimulating. I mean, it makes me feel like I've accomplished something. Um, and then at the same time, which I think is really cool is I, I want to acknowledge my sexuality. Um, I'm a sexual being. I like to feel attractive. I like to feel, um, like you want me. And when we flirt with other couples that we're friends with in the lifestyle, I like to know that they miss me. I mean, it's been months since we've seen anybody. And just to kind of like ping people every now and again and know that they miss me and that they still think I'm sexy.

Like, I still want to be sexy. And then to take that and to blend that together, to still be a good mom because I've got a house full now that I'm not used to and, and to still be a good daughter and daughter-in-law and, and, you know, a sister-in-law and an aunt and all these things that we are with our family right now that are really important. Right. I like to blend all that together. There's a time and a place for everything. But there's another, when you say blend it together, there's something else that comes to mind.

It's not just you balancing things, but a lot of people have the idea that to be a good parent, you have to spend a lot of money on your kids, to spend a lot of time with kids and you have to be selfless but what you're teaching them when you're more selfish with you and with us is you're modeling what we believe is a healthy life and a healthy relationship right because they they need to see us prioritizing our relationship right that they know what a good, strong marriage looks like. Because, I mean, we've had a few bumps in the road this year, to put it mildly.

And as long as you and I stay on the same page and we're a united front, we can not only get through it together as a couple but we can help our family whoever it is you know get through it as well right um if you and i are out of kilter and and we're not on the same page you know with with our own personal relationship including our sexual relationship, it kind of wears on you. And then it makes it harder to just intrinsically know what the other person is thinking so that you can make really good, wise decisions together as a couple. Right.

Now for me, from, from a guy's standpoint, I can't speak for all guys, but I can speak for me. And kind of a good illustration is going to desire and taking your clothes off. Because as a guy, if I'm standing behind my desk, if I'm standing behind my nameplate, or my rank, or my title, or the name on the door, or the salary that I make, or the clothes that I wear, or the car that I drive, or the house that I live in, that's all gone, and I'm naked in a pool. You know, I kind of have to be myself.

So it's taught me that to be my authentic self, I have to understand myself, and I have to trust other people i i really enjoy it when people trust me i have to listen to other people um you know i want to make another woman and another couple feel safe you know insecure i don't want to be a jerk you know i want to be you know i want to be interested in other people i i want to be the opposite of all of those other things. And it's interesting because I still use the word confident, but it's confident in a different way. And what I have found is that that draws people in.

All of these things that I'm taught to do as a man in order to be successful sometimes pushes people away or sometimes isolates myself. But what I've learned is fulfillment for me is, you know, being empathetic and listening to other people, getting to know other people, putting other people first, then appreciating the trust that they put in me. And, and those are, I think, qualities that help other people to be attracted to me.

It's not what I, you know, it's not like being attractive and, uh, big muscles and, uh, you know, all of the things that we're taught that a man should be to attract a woman isn't necessarily the size of your dick i mean not your dick but you know we're taught that really nice strap on upstairs but i mean we're taught that you know it has to be big it has to be long right and it's not it's not that. And it takes guys a while. It took me a while to really, to understand that.

Well, you know, I think what, um, what I find most intriguing about men is no matter what they do for a living, whatever they do, if they are passionate about it and they can speak to it and and they and they feel like they're making a difference in the world that's fascinating and you know like and that has nothing to do with like wearing a suit to work and being on the 19th floor of an office building or whatever.

I think it's so cool when a guy can have the nerve to ditch the corporate world and the necktie and all that crap and start a business out of a shed in his backyard because he has a craft that he is gifted at. he's been given this gift of being able to create something that other people desire. And whether that's music or art or, you know, just some sort of craft that he can, can do and make a living at that. That's fascinating. And that's being authentic. That's not being what society expects you to be with a tie on the 19th floor. Well, it's about giving up the idea of getting ahead.

It all comes down to getting ahead. I've got to get ahead. I've got to get ahead. You know, more kids, a bigger house, a bigger car. I've got to get ahead. I've got to make more money. And that cycle that you put yourself in doesn't allow you to think about quitting my job and starting my own thing. Right. Because of what I would have to give up to do that. So how does the cheetah analogy apply to men then? I mean, like women are trained to be Labradors, but, you know, it's almost like men are, is it the opposite for men?

Like you're, you're trained to be like these hunter gatherers, but, but really, you know, you just want to be your authentic self, whatever the animal in the wild that turns out to be. Well, I mean, for me, this podcast has a lot to do with it because, you know, I'm fulfilled by making a difference. I mean, I worked for the government. I'm a mission focused person. Right. Um, when we were attending church for almost our whole lives, I was mission focused. I was serving. I wanted to make a difference. And so, you know, being and having this podcast, it's the same thing.

I want to, I want to make some sort of a difference. And in a way, this is bringing these microphones down in our basement is like starting a business in a shed. I mean, we took it upon ourselves to, you know, to do this, not really understanding what it would turn into. We didn't, you know, have a lot of plans for that. But, um, and then, you know, starting my own company is the same thing. I, you know, there's a lot of fulfillment when I can't blame failures on other people and I don't have to take orders from other people. It's all me. Right.

And so there's a, there's a level of self-confidence and there's a level of gratification and fulfillment when you're successful at that, that before it was just getting up out of bed, driving to work and doing a good job and coming home now it's i've i my name is on this company your name is on your company i know it's your reputation you know it's your work and so um you know it's the same thing in the lifestyle you know i'm discovering who i am as a person and want to be successful but also want to make a difference for, you know, and make things better for people.

But this season that we're in right now has made that, has turned everything upside down. No kidding. I mean, I think that we have to be much more deliberate about the balance in our lives right now, because things have been like completely turned topsy-turvy. Right. And I mean, that doesn't mean that we're like losing our mojo or sex isn't important or, you know, oh my gosh, we're never going to be able to go to another lifestyle party. Like who knows? We don't know what the future is going to look like.

Well, you know what this reminds me of is we have talked about this before and other podcasters have talked about this before is, could you ever get out of the lifestyle? You know, and you and I have answered that question and said, yes, we could get out of the lifestyle in that we would stop having sex with other people because we're too old or whatever.

But will we just sever all the friendships that we've made i mean that's crazy absolutely not i think we've proven that out because it's been march april may june it's been four months yeah and we've we've stayed in touch with all of our lifestyle friends and our community and we haven't been with anybody but each but each other yeah you know now the the other aspect of it is our personal lives are are topsy-turvy too so we haven't spent as much time as you and i have that you and i should be spending together but that's why we're going to the beach next week because i think it's easy to let yourself fall back into that place where you're going to be satisfied being selfless.

You're going to be satisfied just being a mom. You know, your default setting is safety, security, giving, making sure everyone's safe, making money, you know, surviving. Right. Really. So when you're in survival mode, unfortunately sex and relationship, sexual relationship goes to the bottom of the pile. So we have to be intentional. Right. And, and, you know, I think that you and I escaping next week is, is our way of being intentional being intentional. And luckily, we don't have small children at home that we are responsible for. I mean, we do, but her mother's here too.

So you and I can afford to escape. But even if you do have small kids at home, just kind of rebalancing everything and setting some time aside for yourselves is important. Yeah, and I think being a team in this, you know, supporting each other, encouraging each other, listening to each other, holding each other accountable, allowing, you know, each other to be vulnerable, especially for guys.

It's hard for us to be vulnerable you know that's really the job freak out all the time and you just have to take it and listen and fix it but yeah you you don't do that you know i like you've gone to the doctor and i'm like you know this could be due to stress and and i i keep talking about the stress that you're under you're like i don't feel any stress and i'm like you're crazy if you don't feel any stress, you know, this could be due to stress. And, and I, I keep talking about the stress that you're under and you're like, I don't feel any stress.

And I'm like, you're crazy if you don't feel any stress, you know? So you're, you're just wired to assume that you're not feeling any stress and you're actually amazing at letting things roll off your back. But, but at the same time, we're still going through some stuff. And, and I just think that because you're a man, you're wired wired to to just take it all and put it on your shoulders and put it on your shoulders and and like fix it all and that's so that's so unfair that you feel the need to take care of all that well it is what it is i know, it's, it's concerning.

And, and I think these are the times where you have to come together as a couple and say, okay, now, you know, what burden are you carrying? What burden am I carrying? How can we, how can we balance the load? Right. So that we're working as a team.

So I think our lifestyle friendships and relationships have helped, helped us keep our through this absolutely whole thing there's been some sexy pictures going back and forth that's for sure that's true even though they're thousands of miles away they're still really sexy oh we had a zoom meeting with some friends last weekend it really got us going off onto the right foot too zoom meetings are really good foreplay yeah yeah so i think the lesson here is that, as Brene Brown said, you're a goddamn cheetah. That's right. Just acknowledge it and relish in it. Yeah.

And understand that if things feel out of sorts or out of whack, there's a reason for that.

And you have to be intentional to draw yourself out of that especially with the world being upside down right now the last thing that you're going to think about is we don't have time for that we don't have time for that and what we've discovered is you have to make time for that we're our own worst enemies if we don't yep so we'll come back from the beach they'll still be here for another few months but hopefully we'll be recharged yeah 70 to 90 days yeah yeah we got a countdown going okay all right did we do your your topic justice i think that we've all realized that we're goddamn cheetahs and we need to look inside and and find out what what facet of ourselves are we not acknowledging yes when we come back last month we did um a classic snapshot we played a snapshot from our very first episode yeah and since we've been in survival mode again this month we have solicited a snapshot from one of our listeners to read yes We'll see you next time.

Yeah. And since we've been in survival mode again this month, we have solicited a snapshot from one of our listeners to read. Yes. But hopefully we'll have one. It is worthy. It is definitely worthy. Yeah. So when we come back, we're going to share a pretty sexy snapshot with you all. okay well welcome back to snapshots i think uh mr jones is gonna set this one up and then i'm gonna actually read the good part yeah this is very well written yeah i just changed the names to protect the innocent i'm gonna read context and the backdrop, and then you're going to read the actual snapshot. Okay.

Okay. These are from a couple that listened to us that we haven't met yet, but I think we have plans to meet pretty soon. Yes. Yes. So thank you guys for this. Like in person. How exciting. Right. Send us a good snapshot, and you'll be able to meet us in person. That's right. Dinner. Okay. We've had two play sessions with another couple. Holy cow. They were amazing. Our first date was on a pontoon boat. Several hours of rolling around on an egg crate foam mattress with sheets under blankets and a beautiful cold night sky.

That was the first time we had ever soft swapped and the first time either of us had kissed or done anything with someone else of the opposite sex in almost 13 years. Our second play session was even better. Again, hours of mind-blowing play. That elusive four-way connection was there. Looks aren't everything but man do my wife and I both have a little crush on the other wife. She has long, beautiful red hair, soft blue eyes, light skin, and long toned body. A little southern accent, but refined and incredibly sensual with a sexy vibe.

Watching her with my wife makes me feel like I've come inside from a cold snowstorm to find a hot burning fire and a warm stone hearth to rest on. Together they are smoking hot, warm, sensuous, and inviting. And red. That red. My wife and I had both commented too on her perfume that somehow it just perfectly matched with her brand of sexy. The other husband is in shape, lighthearted, and genuine. They are a very loving couple, and my wife thinks he is wonderful. But as I said earlier, the other wife is a total smoke show. We are fans. Okay, well, here's a snapshot.

A couple weeks after our second play session with this couple, my wife and I are alone together on the back porch of a mountain house overlooking the mountains in the distance. We are naked already, my cock at attention as I'm sitting on a soft ottoman, ready and waiting. We've been lightly playing for a few minutes, but it is time to get down to business. She comes to me, and while standing, straddles me. She reaches down and and pumps my cock then slowly guides it inside her as she sits on top of me. I feel her hips grind down into me as she wraps her legs around my body.

I hold her around the waist and nuzzle her neck kissing down towards her breasts and then I smell it. It is a scent familiar to me yet foreign to my wife. What is it? Where had I smelled it before? I remember being confused at first and then it slowly dawned on me. I hesitated because what I was thinking was so naughty. Does she really have on the other wife's perfume? What if I say something and it's not? What if I ask her and I'm wrong? Is she going to be hurt that I'm thinking about the other wife in this sexy moment? When I look up, her eyes were smiling and so was the rest of her face.

I remember saying, no, you didn't. She leaned into my ear and whispered, can you smell her? I want you to smell the other woman. As soon as she spoke these words, I knew I was going to come and come right away. I started to pump her faster, nearly losing control with excitement. She rode me, pulling my face into her chest so that I could smell her deeply. When I came, I pumped so hard into her that I stood up from the ottoman with her legs wrapped around me. I could feel her breath shorten as an orgasm overtook her.

She wrapped her body around mine, coming on my cock as we both gasped for breath in the mountain air. The smell of her was all around us and the sounds of our pleasure drowned into the verdant summer foliage of the mountains behind. Damn.

We're gonna have to get them to read that to us i mean that they need to start writing like erotica wow yeah that's pretty cool yeah i never thought about that i have to keep that in mind i know wearing the other woman's perfume wow well next month we'll have a snapshot of our own i hope so we're gonna probably we'll get fired pretty soon if we don't have our own snapshots well we're gonna go to the beach and then we actually have a trip planned we do yes so yeah it could be a twofer um Please continue to email us.

We love getting snapshots from others, and we love reading them when we get the good ones. And we love to hear your stories. So a lot of people think we're inundated with emails or we don't have the time, but really that's what motivates us.

That's what gives us ideas of topics and and so please keep keep the emails coming and you can contact me my email address is mrjones at wegotathing.com and mine is mrsjones at wegotathing.com and actually the whole the whole facets of me came from a friend of mine in our community she and i were private chatting and and she was talking about how she's grown in the lifestyle and she was talking about the different facets of herself yeah so if you're well if you want to join our we got a thing community um or if you want to contact us on our website you can go to that at we got a thing.com w-e-g-o-t-t-a-t-h-I-N-G.com.

Information about joining our community is there. And also you can click on the Contact Us button. And I mentioned earlier, casual toys. You can get to them from our website and get a 20% discount. And there's a promo code that's on our website. So please visit us and do that. Don't forget, you can also sign up for Double Date Nation or Cassidy or SDC on our website as well. That's right and you can also book a trip to Desire on our website because I think Desire actually might be opening up here soon. Yes. Thank goodness Definitely. You can follow us on Twitter at WeGot a Thing.

You can also find us on Pinterest. Or we have a presence on DDN, Cassidy, and SDC. That's right. So thanks for listening. We are Mr. and Mrs. Jones, and We Got a Thing. What's your thing? We'll see you next time.