Episode 65: The Golden Rules of the Lifestyle

Transcript

This podcast contains explicit language and content and is for mature audiences only. Hey you teenagers out there, if you're under 18, this show is more for your parents. So now that you have that mental picture stuck in your head, put some music on and get back to doing your homework. We are a long-time married couple who's decided to chronicle our personal adventures and share our sex-positive discussions as we navigate our way through the swinging lifestyle. Care to join us?

hello everyone i'm mr jones and i'm mrs jones and we want to welcome you to episode 65 of the we gotta think podcast three golden rules of the lifestyle it's so simple i know you have to follow three rules i mean how hard could that be even at my age age, I can remember three things. Barely. Oh, so Friday night in July, and it's hot as hell outside. Yeah, we are, this is the weekend before Naughty in New Orleans of 2019. Yeah, so we're kind of laying low this weekend. And it's like 100 degrees and 80% humidity here. Yeah, it's nasty. On the East Coast. So we are prepped for New Orleans. Yeah.

Well, you know, I looked on, I know, but I always do. I obsess and I look at the weather. I looked at my weather app and it's only supposed to be like in the mid 80s in New Orleans next week. No big deal. Yeah. I mean, it's high 90s. Like it's supposed to be 102 degrees tomorrow here. Well, before we get to the three golden rules, though, we have been extremely busy for the past month. Yeah, but we've had a lot of family stuff going on. We have, we've had a lot of fun. It's been so much fun. Yeah. Yeah, so we rented a beach house in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, last month.

And we had four generations of our family there. And it was absolute chaos. And yes, I did grind my teeth a few times. But, you know, that was the beauty of it. Like when people got on my nerves in the morning, I just put on my running shoes and I went out and I took a run. I did a run around the neighborhood. Everyone who's been on a family vacation knows the best thing about a family vacation is that you get to spend time with your family. The worst thing about a family vacation is that you get to spend time with your family. You're trapped in the house with your family for a whole week.

And we have my parents there and my poor mom. I think our grandkids locked them out on the balcony one day did oh my gosh our beach house had three different levels of balconies and i had these texts my mom she texted us on facebook messenger on text and we and i had email to try to call i left my phone in the in the house so i wasn't even she said Somebody locked us out locked us out on the balcony. They were like the third floor. Little monsters locked her out. I know. Well, we had five kids there between the ages of five and eight. Yeah. So it was absolute chaos.

And normally, our beach trips used to be like, you take your adult beverage out there. I take my Kindle with a spicy book on it. You set up the beach umbrella so we don't get sunburned. And we just plop our asses down and sit there and relax until we have to go to the bathroom. And then we go back to the house and we make a new drink. Oh, no. Did we even have sex on vacation? Once. I think we did. For the whole week and we were on vacation. Yeah. Like the beach is my happy place and you and I had sex once. It's been a long time.

It's been daughter and her boyfriend and really good quality time. And it's important to keep balance. Yes. But by the time that we finished our family vacation, it was time to take our granddaughter back to Las Vegas. Yeah, so we kept our granddaughter with us for an extra week. So we had two solid weeks of grandchildren. We flew back to Vegas and dumped her at our daughter's house. That's not nice. We didn't really. Well, yeah, we kind of did dump her. We did. We went back the next day. And then our best friends happened to be in Vegas the same weekend. Yeah. Total coincidence. Yeah.

Who would have thunk it? I know. So, yeah, we managed to hang out with them. We'll talk about that more later. Oh, my gosh. It was fun. And then while we were there, so we've been to Vegas a lot lately. Well, a couple times, two or three times times a year we went up in the stratosphere we we put a thing out on cassidy that we were going to be there and what about six couples six couples responded and said they wanted to meet us for drinks and dinner and we went in the stratosphere the stratosphere is like the um it's like the needle the space space needle in seattle needle in Seattle.

It's just this tall part of a hotel and they have a restaurant that rotates and it's like a thousand feet off the ground. And so we met people up there that we had never met before. Yeah. Yeah. I think a couple, like two of the couples knew each other and then there was another pair of of couples that knew each other. Yeah, right. And then there were a couple other couples and then you and I. Yeah. So, yeah, but we hadn't met anybody and it was so cool. There was this bar on the 107th floor. Yeah. And we got there during the day. Well, when it was daylight.

Yeah, it was like six o'clock at night.

Yeah, so we could like, our daughter lived like eight miles away and we could see her house that was so cool so we you know so you really got to see a an amazing view of las vegas and then it got dark out and then you got to see vegas at night which is super cool because all the casinos so here's people we've never met before and by the end of the evening we were we were just close friends and i don't know if you all know about the stratosphere i didn't know this but two of the people there you can just like jump off the top of the building it's not like bungee cord thing it's like an actual free fall no there's a cable that they attach to you yeah and it's a free jump suit yeah i know but that's it was i didn't realize that they realize that it was an amusement park.

I just thought we were going up there to drink. Well, we did. But then the bonus prize is that you could do that. Yeah. I couldn't even, like they had an observation booth. And I couldn't even get close to the edge. Right.

Like to look to where our new friends were like falling well the two friends that went they were not married no it was a man and a woman but so the so the other woman and the man of the couple that they had already decided if something happened on the way down to those two they would just you know hook up and become a couple that's so not funny but when you're up that high and you look down and you just they just open the glass door and you just jump i couldn't even stand like my knees got like that all wobbly adrenaline feeling yeah it was crazy yeah so that was that was a lot of fun yeah they had fun yeah so we'll be back in vegas in november so we hope to see you guys again and then we has um local friends yes reach out to us we so we met some new friends here locally and we we um i'm not gonna say we broke a rule that we pushed a boundary okay we played so the whole playing on the first day yeah which column is that in?

I think it is a boundary. That's a boundary. Okay. Yeah. All right. So we pushed a boundary. We didn't break a rule. No, we didn't break a rule. No. And we went out to dinner and then brought them back. But we had been corresponding with them for a while. Yeah. Yeah. That was a lot of fun. Yeah, we did. We went out for drinks first and had some really cool craft cocktails. And then we found a, a restaurant in kind of a local area that we hadn't been to in a long time. They had moved and they had really interesting cocktails and we had the best server. She was so much fun.

She really kind of helped out the evening. I think we had so much family stuff for two weeks pent up in us. We, we just, we were, we were primed for pushing that boundary. We were, and that was just a great place to meet them, and I think it kind of put us all at ease. And then we invited them back to our home, and they said yes. Well, you know what I liked about it? We asked them, we said, hey, we can go grab coffee, we can go get ice cream, or you guys can go back to your house. But we think, just step aside, you know, go outside and chat as a couple and let us know what you want to do.

So it was a pretty, you know, relaxing evening and a no pressure evening, but we had a lot of fun. We did. Okay, and then what else did we do?

Oh, so that was kind of it, because that was last weekend yeah and here we are but coming up yeah so today is friday and on tuesday you and i are leaving for naughty well we're leaving wednesday morning well we're leaving here tuesday yeah we arrive in new orleans wednesday morning so today is what is today oh July 19th July 19th yeah we are headed for naughty in New Orleans 2019 and if you hear this and you're on your way we are hosting a meet and greet yes on Wednesday July 24th at the house of blues yep at the vood, which is kind of like back behind it.

And we had a meet and greet there two years ago, and it was so much fun. Right. So we're expecting a good crowd, and we know it's a great venue, and the House of Blues takes really good care of everybody. They have good food if you want to stay for dinner afterwards. So we're just excited to meet you guys, and we you, and we've already met you, we're excited to see you again. Yeah. So this will be at five o'clock. So it's before the parade. If you've already gotten ready for the parade, you know, come on by the House of Blues and we'll be happy to meet you. That's right.

And this is a little bit of a different NIN for us. We don't have anything besides our meet and greet. We don't have anything that we have to do. No. And we have, so you and I actually made a list of people that we want to make sure that we connect with. We did. And we don't normally do this. We normally like go with the flow. Yeah. But we, I mean, there's just so many friends that we have made like that don't live near us that are going to be there.

So we, we just, we have to take that opportunity because, you know, we can't take those people for granted because it's, you know, sometimes it's hard to see people when they live on the other side of the country. Right. So, yeah. So if you're going to be at Naughty in New Orleans, we'll see you. I know. In a few days. We're super excited. All right. And then we have what?

We have Nashville Meat and Creek coming up in september yeah so that's our own event yeah so we've limited this to 50 couples and we've got about a half a dozen slots left yep um again if you're if you're interested um send us a message go to our website and it's about to fill up probably in the next couple of weeks yep and've got a lot of cool things planned Catherine is going to be with us again and we'll have some boudoir photography going on and we've got a lifestyle club planned so a lot of cool things and just some good old Nashville bar hopping. Yes. Yeah. I cannot wait.

I've not been to Nashville before. I am just a little bit excited. Yeah. I think we're going to do the Daisy Dukes theme. Oh yeah. Yeah. On Saturday night. Yeah. We're getting ready to meet with the club owner and kind of get all that set. But we thought, hey, if you're in Nashville, you might as well. That's right. Kind of like win in Rome. That's right. I win in Nashville. Yeah. So if you're thinking about joining us, you better do it quickly because we're about to I'll see all the time. I know. But we found a great hotel that's kind of right in the middle of everything.

We should be able to walk everywhere. So it should be fun. And lastly, what we have going on is we went to Desire in May to celebrate your birthday. Yes. And while we were there, we finally got Desire to make arrangements with us to offer discounts on certain rooms. Yes.

So if you are interested in the mansion suites or the penthouse suites or the villas or the master suites with plunge pools jacuzzi or no uh what are they called passion suites yeah passion yeah so we have we have the luxury rooms at both desire riviera maya and desire pearl um that we can offer at discounts and those are the rooms that never get discounted right you know desire has like high season and low season but then they'll offer like you know 30 off you know for like a fall special or whatever well they never discount like the high the high-end rooms like the masters with plunge and the penthouses and, the, and the villas and the, um, and the passion suites.

But we are able to offer them at a discount and we can throw in some, what they call desire dollars. So that's to get transportation or like an erotic or essential massage or dinner on the pier. So there's all different kinds of ways you can spend your desire dollars. So we have those to provide as well. Yeah. So we have a limited number of those rooms. So in other words, what we're saying is whatever desire is offering, we're going to give you a discount beyond that and some fringe benefits too. So if you go to our website and go to book your desire trip, um, you'll see all of the details.

Um, details and we have a very very limited number of these that we can do but we're happy that desire finally worked with us to be able to offer these to you well can we take a second and talk about the mansions before we go on probably a good idea since we haven't mentioned that before no and so um at desire rm they have this new building called the villas and i think there's four units and they're two levels and there's like private pools and just all kinds of extra amenities you have a butler and and all kinds of crazy stuff so that's been at desire rm for what a good year or so they finished those well now they're building a building at desire pearl to um match the villas and maybe even top them as far as the the decadence and everything um it's a whole separate building and i mean you've got like a kitchen in there with a private chef and there's no menu he just makes whatever you ask for on demand cook the order yeah and and there's a bar in there and there's private playrooms in there.

And the suites are just like beyond decadent. Like we've only seen artist rendering yet because they're still building it. They were making good progress when we were there in May. Yeah. And there's only eight rooms? Yes. Yeah. There's six mansion suites and then two royal suites right and i think one of the key things to remember also about that is it's a it's a part of the resort but it's exclusive right so you have access to everything on desire but it's set apart yeah and they were building it quickly when we were there i think it's supposed to open in jan.

Well, I think they have reservations for New Year's. So I think they're committed to getting it done in December. We actually have booked two weeks that we have set aside for people that might be interested in booking either one of these weeks. We have Valentine's Week of 2020, and we have New Year's Eve of 2020. New Year's Week. New Year's Eve week. Yeah, yeah. They're both weeks. The week between Christmas and New Year's. Pretty much. I don't know exactly how it falls, but yeah. And those are the weeks that we'll definitely book up.

So we went ahead and scarfed those up, and we're holding them. So if you would be interested in a really decadent getaway for either Valentine's or New Year's, or any week. I know we we have other weeks that we could book as well you know let us know i mean it's very decadent yeah and sensual and sexy and amazing yeah yeah and the the last thing that we need to talk about oh now this is just plain good old fun yes our good friends kate and Daryl from the Swinging Down Under podcast, are hosting an event in Miami, Florida, May 15th through the 18th of 2020.

Yeah, so it's the week before Memorial Day weekend. Yeah, Podcast Palooza Part 2. Yes, and there's going to be quite a collection of podcasters there. We're going to be there. We're going to be hosting events and workshops. It's a complete hotel takeover. Kate is not only incredibly sexy and funny. She's also extremely intelligent and ridiculously organized. Yeah, she's a heck of an event planner. She's thought of everything. She really has. I mean, all the details have been already addressed. Yeah, so she's got a DJ coming in. There's going to be themed parties.

There's going to be a topless pool party. There's going to be all kinds of workshops, educational events, and then sexy fun in the evening. Yep. And we're looking forward to it. This is, I think, already about 10% of them are booked. Yeah, and she just now got her website up and is just now releasing the information. So if you're interested, you can go to our website, wegotathing.com, and you'll see a link for more information on Podcastpalooza. And Podcastpalooza has its own website, too, as you'll find out when you go there. Yeah.

So all kinds of information there there and it's not too soon to book that out no and it's gonna be so much fun yeah we're looking forward to it yep so when we come back we're gonna talk about what it's easy three little golden rules yeah right you follow those and life is good yeah three you remember these three things and the lifestyle just be smooth sailing yes yeah we promise we'll be right back Thank you. You follow those and life is good. You remember these three things and the lifestyle will just be smooth sailing. Yes. We promise. We'll be right back.

Welcome back to segment two, our golden rules of the lifestyle well you're a teacher or you used to be you're gonna teach us the golden rule well i i can talk about the golden rules i i wish i could um confess that i follow them all the, but unfortunately, that might not be the case. We focused on inside the bedroom a lot. We've talked about transitioning to play. We've talked about four-way connections. We've talked about your play styles, and we've talked about communication through playing.

Tonight, we want to talk about these golden rules that happened before and after you get into the playroom. True. It's before and after, not just before. Yeah. Yeah. And you would think that these rules would be pretty much common sense, but when you add the element of possibly being intimate with people, it makes it a little bit more difficult. It's sticky. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good word. Yeah. Yeah. It should be pretty straightforward, but for some reason we try to make this a lot more difficult than it is. Okay. So the first golden rule is... We have three. We have three, right?

And we're going to talk about confidentiality. Oh, you're spilling the beans already. Yeah. I was going to make them wait for each other. Oh, you were? Yeah. Okay. We're going to talk about three and Mrs. Jones is going to introduce that to you. So the first one is confidentiality or discretion. Yeah. A lot of people talk about that in the lifestyle. Right.

Right i think you know some of some of the stuff is like no-brainer stuff like the you know the very first thing we want to say is you know you share you share experiences and you don't share names you know there's a go ahead no i was gonna say in other words you don't kiss and tell yeah there's a names are really not that important if if we meet a couple and we want and you want to talk about sexy experiences it is hot to talk about the experiences that you've had right it's irrelevant to know who it was right so you know just oh you know what and before we go on we should say these this is the jones's opinion true you know this is the way that we view the lifestyle the way that we think people should behave and the way that we try to behave towards others so when you get to sharing experiences um when you're at the dinner with a couple or you're playing the card game the dumb card game sharing experiences is really hot right but i don't really care who it was that you were with when you did that now i will have to say like if we're hanging out with really good friends of ours and they're talking about an experience and maybe they're talking about an experience with somebody we know we might figure it out but they won't say the name yeah you know so if i can kind of draw that conclusion on my own you know just by clues within you know the the context of the story then okay i might be able to figure it out but but they um you know they're not naming names right so you know i i guess that's okay but you know we we've actually had people you know tell us before well we we played with so-and-so and it's like oh yeah yeah and um it just makes me feel uncomfortable i don't know and and i don't know why.

I mean, we're all talking about sex. But I just... Well, we'll talk about why. I'd like to kind of draw my own conclusions, I guess. Yeah, and we'll talk about why in a minute because that's a totally different one. Yeah. But you're right. So we'd love to hear your experiences, but you don't necessarily... Well, you should not mention names. Right.

You know, and the other thing is that if you're mentioning names do you have the permission of the couple that you're talking about right to share that information with me right you know and well probably not why is that important why is it it's not important is it oh the names yeah no no no the stories that the hotness of the story is what's important and what's relevant. Right. And the same thing with pictures. When you share pictures with other people, what's implied there is that you keep them to yourselves.

So sharing pictures of other people that you've met is really outside of the golden rules as well. So sharing pictures of other people is the same thing as sharing names. It's just not necessary. I think it's worse. Yeah. I mean, the pictures are sent to you in a very, you know, there's a lot of trust involved. When I send people sexy pictures of myself, there's just a whole lot of trust that I have to, you know, have in place before I actually hit the send button. And I honestly don't do it very often. Not that I don't trust the people that I play with. It's just, oh, man.

I mean, everybody, you know, we, we talk about digital footprint all the time and that's just stuff you cannot take back. And if you send pictures to other people, you just have to remember that you're taking a risk. Even if it's a one-on-one conversation, because once somebody gets your picture, they can pretty much do anything with it. Yeah. So we're asking, you know, it's just the golden rule. I'm not saying don't send pictures. Just, you know, we're really talking about the receiving end of it. Yeah.

When you receive a picture, just, you know, understand, you know, the level of trust that people had for you. Right. When they sent you that picture and just respect and honor that.

Right that right so along with discretion and confidentiality we want to talk about keep opinions of others to yourselves this is hard i know because you may have especially when things are a little wonky well it could go either way it could be a really good experience or not so good experience, but you can't imply or, or infer that the couple that you're talking with is going to have the same experience with this couple. Right. So, you know, just keep that opinion to yourself. This is so hard. I think this is the hardest one. I think so, too. Because we just had this happen not too long ago.

You and I had an encounter with a couple, and we didn't end up playing with them. And there really wasn't, I don't know, I guess there wasn't a good reason why. There was just no chemistry. So we just talked about chemistry. There was no chemistry. And there was no red flags. It was just there was no chemistry.

so we just talked about chemistry right there was no chemistry so and there was no red flags it was just there was no chemistry right so we just didn't end up playing with them and it was fun we still had a great evening um but then friends of ours mentioned that they were going to see the same couple right and they weren't kissing and telling they were just saying hey we met this couple blah and it just happened to be a couple that we knew right and that we had been out with so we didn't say anything because there there was no like okay so like if you have an encounter with somebody and like something really bad goes down and you feel like it's like a safety issue or something like that then then maybe you would want to kind of like...

So realistically, like if the guy doesn't wear a condom after he says he's going to. Right. It would be something like that. Yeah. Or if there's... Not this guy's a really bad kisser. Yeah. Or whatever. Yeah. Or, you know, whatever. Right. But it would have to be like a safety issue.

So anyway didn't say anything to them we're like oh yeah they're a great couple and they are a great couple they are and and then our friends you know came back and and they there was no chemistry with them either let's just put it that way and but we didn't it wasn't up to us to make to make that decision for them right am i saying that right yeah yeah because we want our friends to feel the same way that we do so we're tempted to say oh you know what we really didn't like them because we want you to feel the same way that we do so you're tempted to do that right but you have to understand that everybody's different connections are different chemistry is different and just because we did or did not have chemistry with the couple doesn't mean another couple of friends of ours are or or not going to just because we did right right and i mean it's gone the other way too like you and i haven't had chemistry with a couple and then we've you know we've heard about you know friends of ours actually hooking up with that couple and having a great experience.

And I mean, good for them. Because like we said in our chemistry episode, chemistry, it's not something you can put your finger on. It's either there or it's not. And we're going to talk about this several times, but I don't give a crap. Because you are my partner. Right.

Why should i care how much fun or not fun one of our friends has with another couple i you know it's not like they're my possession no and and i think good for them i'm glad they found a connection that worked for them right it didn't work for us right but again it's intangible and you can't really like map it out it wasn't like we weren't cool enough or young enough or pretty enough or whatever enough right um it's just the chemistry wasn't there for us right and then it was for our friends yeah it's good for them awesome that is awesome okay so the next one under confidentiality is refrain from asking personal questions about others.

And, you know, we talk to people a lot, and we get to know a lot of things about people. But I think you have to be careful with your approach so that you don't put people on guard. I think what you and I do is we talk about ourselves and like, if we feel comfortable with the people, maybe we'll talk about, you know, not, not just about our lifestyle experiences, but maybe we'll share what we do for a living or, you know, a little bit more specifics about our family situation or whatever. And then in turn, if people are connecting with us and trusting us, then they will in turn share as well.

There's a word for that. What? Quid pro quo. Okay, whatever. I'm not an attorney. I'm a mathematician. No, what I'm saying is that if you offer that information to me, then you're trusting me with that information. And then therefore, I should respond accordingly. Exactly. And if I don't, you should take that as an indication that maybe we're not connecting. Maybe there's something that is going to inhibit us from moving this relationship forward. And the difference here is that, see, normally when you go to a vanilla event, the first thing you ask a couple is, what do you do for a living?

But in the lifestyle, that's not the first question you ask. And sometimes that puts people on guard. Right. So it's more, it's going to be, hey, how long have you guys been together? You know, how long have you been in the lifestyle? You know, it's going to be more lifestyle oriented. And then when somebody offers to you, you don't come out and say, hey, what do you do for a living? Because then somebody's going to look at you and say, well, why are you asking me that? I don't know you. And as a sepiosexual, I'm interested in that because I like to know it makes people tick.

It's not like I'm being nosy, but I just have to be careful that I don't push people away. Right. I think what we're saying is, if you want to know what somebody does, you need to offer that information up first. Right. Exactly.

Say, hey, this is my line of profession, and talk about that for for a while and say hey are you comfortable sharing you know what you do and if you're not that's okay you don't even have to ask usually they'll just kind of offer it back right themselves right because it's quid pro quo right i'm putting more skin in the game and you're putting more skin in the game well and the conversation has developed where there's a there's you know beginning to be a comfort level among the four of you. Right. And you don't have to say who you work for. No. You could say, I work in the medical profession.

Here's the industry that I'm in. Or I work in the education industry. You know, whatever. You know, you don't have to, like, give people your social security number. Yeah. You're just, you know, you're kind of just sharing more about you and what makes you tick.

I'm in the law enforcement field or i'm in the education field or i'm in the health care field or whatever where i have my own business but you don't have to be very specific if somebody asks you that but the point is you don't just come out and ask people hey what do you do for a living because we're all concerned about discretion and if that's the first thing that you're going to ask me there's a flag that's going to go up like why are you are you asking me that? Right. You know, that's not what we're here to talk about. Right. And you and I had a bad experience with that.

So I think we're a little defensive. We did. Well, when we were at dinner that one time and the guy said, I can tell a lot about your phone number. Oh, yeah. Like when we used to text instead of kick or whatever. And, you know, he pretty much laid everything out for you except your social security number. That's true. That was pretty scary. Yep. In the confidentiality column, the last thing that we want to say as a golden rule is avoid responding to gossip. And again, this is really hard. It is. This is human nature. I know.

It's just so easy to, like, grab onto it and continue that line of thinking. Well, that's the point. If you respond to it, you're fueling the fire. I know. You're just asking for more and more information.

And if you just don't respond or if you shut it down completely, then the people will say what they need to say and then you can move on to something else right right you just need to kind of redirect right so because that's really not accomplishing anything that there's really nothing that ever comes like nothing good ever comes out of gossip right so there's a big difference between fact and intent yeah you know so i can tell you what somebody did to me or what somebody told me or how somebody was, but as soon as i get into telling you why they did it or why i think they did it then that becomes subjective and if you take that and pick up on it and pass it along then you're just adding fuel to the fire well and and if you're and if you're repeating gossip that you heard from somebody else it's like you know back in middle school when you played telephone you know things get distorted every time they change hands right so you might be hearing something that that is not accurate right and and to actually take that as the truth and then um kind of a form an opinion about somebody based on that gossip right and then or even worse repeating that gossip um without any facts to back it up you know that's just you know you're ruining somebody's reputation And to be honest, if somebody is sharing names with me honest if somebody is sharing names with me if somebody is sharing pictures with me is some if somebody is sharing opinions of people with me if somebody is telling me what somebody else's profession is then the first thing i'm going to think of is that they're going to share what i share with them with others right as well so it really is going to get in the way of us progressing you know in any kind of relationship right so that is confidentiality what's number two since you wouldn't let me say these up front r-e-s-p-e-c-T.

Is that Aretha Franklin? Yes, sir. It is. Respect. Yes. Okay. All right. What do we have under respect? The first one is to show up. Like if you agree to a lifestyle date, don't flake out. Don't ghost. Show up. So what do you think is happening when somebody flakes out of ghosts.

ghosts oh well i i don't think the husband and wife are on the same page okay and i think one of them is like oh my god i can't do this okay um you know that's not 100 of the time but i think that that probably is the majority of the time um you know i guess it's better to do it then instead of in the heat of the moment but but at the same time you know don't don't get to the point where you've let somebody hire a babysitter you know put on their best clothes and you know make reservations at a nice restaurant or whatever or even go out of town go out of town book a hotel room all that stuff and then you know knowing that you're not comfortable with the situation to be right with and i think it's important for everybody to listen to what we're about to say and that is what is it this happens all the time yeah it does and there are, you should be able to pick up on these red flags because if one of the two of the couples is really pushing this, then is the other person on board?

But, you know, this whole thing about showing up is that somebody is reluctant to be a part of it to begin with, and they wait until the time that it's time to show up before they come clean, number one, with themselves, number two, with their spouse or their partner. Well, they're panicking. They're in panic mode at that point in time.

So just kind of own that discomfort or not being sure and just say it say it ahead of time respect the other couple's time and resources yes that's exactly right because i got kids i've got to get a babysitter we only have one weekend right per month that we have this free and then all of a sudden you let me know at the last minute or you don't even show right how how disrespectful that is right not only to your to us but to your partner and to yourself right this has nothing to do with chemistry this has to do with not even like letting it get to that point right you know like if you do show up and then there's no chemistry or whatever, that's a completely different situation.

You know, we're talking about standing people up. Yes. Or ghosting, I guess. Yeah, so just be respectful. Yeah. You know, another thing about respect is responding to messages that you receive, either emails or on dating sites or in text applications. I can't think of any reason why you shouldn't respond to any messages that you get. I'm going to call you out on this. Okay. So haven't we gotten really bizarre messages where it'll just say, here's a backstage pass and you open it up and it's just all like pictures of genitals or whatever. And there's like no correspondence whatsoever.

Do you respond to that? Or do you say, what is this? I'm glad that you asked me that question. Okay. Because the point. Let's just start at the bottom here. The point here is respond to all messages. A message in my definition is hello. Oh, you mean like full sentences? Yes. Hello. Grammar, punctuation. I am. We are so-and-so. We reviewed your profile. We're interested in going out with you.

What a message is not is I've opened my pictures for you and i you get a message or a flirt or whatever there's no message initiating that correspondence then then there's nothing to respond to because that's not a message that's just like what i don't know what are you trying to do are you are you flirting with me are you interested in us i don't know so if i don't get a message then i agree with you there's nothing to respond to and i can say hey dude what do you mean by this it's a waste of time so if somebody's interested in us or anybody and they have the they respect you enough to send you the message to begin with respond to them right and what bothers me is people look we get a lot of emails we get a lot of kick messages we get a lot of me we messages we respond to all of them yeah we do so there's no excuse for people not to respond to a message right i think it's just just even if it's a no and we're going to get to honesty yeah in a minute yeah but some sort of response thank you right yeah okay and then to me this is a huge one.

Um, a big part of respect is respecting the respecting the um all the people that are going to be connecting and i think a good way to do that is to include everyone in text conversations you know we threw this um we threw this topic out on our private community yes and this was this was the unanimous, the biggest thing that people responded to. And that is include everyone in the text conversations. And the reason that we put this under the column of respect is because if I'm interested in another woman. Yeah. and i decide that i'm going to text her individually and cut you out of it.

I'm disrespecting you. Right. And I'm disrespecting her husband. Right. And the crazy thing about it is you have my permission. I know. So why do you need to hide anything from me? Right. you. So, you have my permission with the right motivations. And the right motivation is that the four of us are going to find a connection. So, if I receive a message from somebody individually, I have to ask myself, why are they not including their husband or their partner? Right.

And that question turns and turns in my head, and I have to think there's something that is not right, or maybe that's just their style, and that's perfectly fine, but that's not our style. Right. You know, we want to have a four-way connection. We want everything to be above board. I want you to know every time that I say something flirtatious or sexy about another woman, I want you to see what I'm saying. Right. Because I respect you and I respect her partner or her husband.

Well, and when I see that, then that kind of gives me not permission, but confidence or motivation or I don't know what I'm searching for, but to do the same with her husband. Right. Permission to do that. Right. Because we're the four of us are trying to establish a four way connection so that the four of us can play together. Right. And, and back to the whole thing about us not being on the same page, like, like back to ghosting.

If I'm flirting with another woman and I in a four-way conversation and you're not flirting with the other man, I'm going to come and ask you, Hey, this is getting a little weird and yes and okay so i am not as good at communicating with other people as you are and that happens kind of more often than it should this is true confessions right here and you have to do that to me a lot right you you have to light a a fire under my butt. And then I'm like, oh, he's right. And then I will be more motivated to engage. And it has nothing to do with my level of interest in the other couple.

It's just not my nature. But you see, it would be so easy for me, knowing that about you, it would be so easy for me to just one-off and the other woman because i know you're not right you're responding right so it's so tempting for me to just say well let's just cut you out let's just cut him out and let's just she and i right and other people say like the most clever witty sexy thing and i got nothing like i'm a freaking math major. Words are not my thing. No, you're good at it. You know, so I'm always like, oh, I don't know what to say.

I want to say something really sexy, but I don't know what to say. Well, I'm part of your problem, if we're true confessions, because I'm the type of person that when I get a message, I like feel obligated to respond right away. And when I respond, I think sometimes that you feel like, oh, he responded. So I don't have to. Oh, totally. I'm like, yes. So if I would be better at just not responding, then maybe you would respond more. Maybe you would feel like, oh, I should probably say something. And you know that happens.

Like when you're on travel or I know that you're like, you're up in DC that day working and that you're, you know, you might have even had to like check your phone at some security building or whatever. And I'm like, oh yeah, like the onus is on me. I've got to actually communicate here.

And again, it has nothing to do with my interest level right um it's just that's my nature and and i that's one thing i really don't like about myself but it's me yeah i know yeah and i have to call you out right so i kind of feel like a hypocrite and you know but i have to say there have been not recently but there have been times in the past where the other male partner has reached out to me individually, and I do not like it. I remember one time. Okay, so why don't you like it? Because it just puts me completely out of my comfort zone. I'm like, what is his motivation for doing this?

There's ill intent here.

And when you used to go to work every day, and you would come home at like 5 30 or whatever i remember more than once you'd walk in the door i wouldn't even let you get into the kitchen i'd like meet you in the mudroom and i'd have put my phone like in your face and i'm like what am i supposed to do about this yeah but you know the one time that it worked out like it the one time that it worked out we had friends that came to us ahead of time they said look we we agree there should be four away oh yes but we want to let you know ahead of time that sometimes we've done private and it's been pretty hot and we want your permission to do that right and i still sucked at that but i tried really hard but but i mean they were up front about right and it was okay because we were up front about it and and we shared like, you know, and like you and the other wife were like way better at it than I was.

And the other husband was really good at it. But again, I was the weak link. But it was fun. And I really did try to step up my game a little bit. And it was fun because the four of us made that decision together. I think we should do that more.

Yeah, that's true true because i think you need to be pulled out of your comfort zone it would be good for me if you majored in math for a reason it's so i didn't have to write papers like words are not my specialty no but you're sexy well thank you and you're clever when you need to be well i i yeah i have my moments yeah but you know i to say, um, we do have a couple that we're friends with where he and I are in the same profession and we will text each other just he and I, but it's professional. Well, you text math problems back and forth to each other. No, I don't. My business.

Thank you for leaving. My new business is not math. Thank you for leaving me out of this conversation. You don't like my new profession any better than you like math. So anyway, he and I do have like a professional relationship now, but it stays professional. And if it goes back to lifestyle, then we immediately go back to the thread where the four of us are communicating again.

And then I do text with my lifestyle girlfriends individually but i think we spent enough time on this but i think that was important i think that was worth the time we just spent we believe in four-way communication let's just say that i think that's the safest way to go i think you have to be very aware of the um the the trouble you can get yourself in right without that four-way conversation next honor both relationships yes so what do we mean by that okay so we have this creed and and you know one of the things that we say and like our i think our very first lifestyle rule says we are beholden to no one.

Yeah. And I totally agree with that. I mean, we've been together 35 years and I'm very, we've been together 35, married 34. Okay. And I'm very protective of our relationship. Yeah.

If I get back to into a corner, you know, my claws are going to come out because you out because you're mine and I plan on that being the case for forever you belong to me mister yes you do but at the end of the day I don't want to mess with anybody else's relationship either so what does that mean no matter how hot the couple is or how funny or how much fun they are to be around, I know, but we have met couples that are just super attractive, so much fun to hang around with, but there's just something a little out of kilter about their relationship that starts sending up these red flags.

And we don't, you know, you can't always put your finger on it because you're not in somebody else's relationship. So we'll back away because we want to honor their relationship, too. We don't want to be part of their problem. Right. So I think what you're saying is that we've been married a long time. We have a good relationship. We do. So when we see a relationship that maybe isn't as solid as ours, we don't want to contribute to not making that healthier. Well, right. I mean, we're not the gold standard, but I appreciate you saying that. But yeah, I know what you mean.

So when something's a little off, we're not going to be something that's going to put a deeper wedge in that relationship. Correct. We don't want to be a part of that. Yeah. If other people do, that's fine because people are choosing to do that, but that's just our thing. We want to honor both relationships. Right. And I think that kind of goes to the next thing that we want to talk about, which is respecting all boundaries and approaches to the lifestyle. And I think that goes back to respecting that relationship.

You know, if we don't think that that couple is, they might say they're a full swap couple, but if we're sensing that somebody's a little uncomfortable, I think we want to honor their relationship by saying, maybe it's not a night for a full swap. Let's just, you know, do soft or parallel. Let's just say this what it is okay it's the old bait and switch well okay there are a lot of people that have experience in the lifestyle that will meet newer couples in the lifestyle and say yeah that's the way we are yeah that's what we believe yeah that's our.

In order to get you to feel comfortable, and then once you're in the bedroom, everything changes. So you're saying that we could be like the bait-and-switch couple. Like if we met a couple that was a newer couple to the lifestyle. Yeah. You're saying that we could lull them into this false sense of security. Yeah, we could coerce them. We could say, see, this isn't so bad. You could do full swap if you really wanted to. We could kind of, and don't get me wrong, there's a difference between encouraging and taking advantage of. Yeah.

And that's why we have this rule that we don't change rules in mid-play. Right. But I'm saying that there are a lot of people out there that take advantage of people who are new. What episode was that? Number three? We've been duped? Oh, that was two. Was that two? Yeah. See, that was at the beginning. We were so green. Yeah, so we were duped. We were duped. Yeah, we certainly were. We were totally on the other end of this. Yeah. And there are people out there that will do that. And there are people out there because they're selfish and they don't respect your relationship.

That's why this is under respect. Okay. So that all goes back to social swingers versus hookup swingers. I'm not judging anyone. No. But if you're a hookup swinger, just say so. Right. That's what I'm saying. Don't pretend you're a sheep in wolf's clothing. I mean, don't go. I'm telling you what you want to hear. Wolf in sheep's clothing. It goes back to like single dating. I'm a guy. I'm going to tell you. Right. You're Mrs. Jones. You're beautiful. You're sexy. Thank you, honey. I want to get into your pants. Oh.

Oh, is that all you think about me no i have a brain up here whatever you know in order to get what i want i'm going to tell you what you want to hear yeah that's no different in the lifestyle so to assume that there's a 30 or 40 or 50 year old couple who you would think, oh, my gosh, we can trust them. They're saying this. True. Right. Damn, honey. I never really thought about that. Yeah, so we just trust. We like have an advantage in that regard. We do? We do. Well, we're an older couple. We've been in the lifestyle for a while. You're saying we can take advantage of people? Yes.

Why didn't you tell me this to begin with? I don't know. We probably shouldn't be recording this. I'll edit this part out. Okay, thank you. No, this is like it's like it's the whole thing about trust but verify you know when people say something's good, but their actions really need to be in concert with their words. Yes. And so as soon as you feel that separation or that distance between what they say and what they act, you should probably stop and say, wait a minute, time out. Right.

I mean, if they're're respecting your boundaries then you you know you should always feel comfortable right in that situation and when those little hairs on the back of your neck start to stand up right um are you you're looking at your spouse and their their eyes are a little wider than they normally are then it then it's time to kind of like gracefully and the evening exactly okay the last thing in the respect column is always send a post encounter thank you okay this is the fun part well a lot of times well most of the time yeah you know you well and that kind of goes back to the whole you know you know back out before you know things get ugly a lot of times we do this before the people even get home yeah well like last weekend when our new friends came over yeah they had a 45 minute drive home yeah so we as soon as they left we cleaned up and then we sent them a kick message and said you know hey thanks for the evening it was a lot of fun it's not a lot of in-depth thing it's just you took time out of your lives to come to dinner to drive all the way up here and go to dinner with us period right thank you for that because that shows that we respect your time we respect what you you know committed to the evening we respect that you showed up and that you engaged with us so thank you for that that's just a that's just a again when you have sexy fun it's just even better i'm not even talking about that this is just like general respect well right right but i mean it so you know that happens for for every encounter and then you know when it's fun it's even you know more fun to yes it is it is well we'll get into that in a moment okay okay so those are the first two the first one was confidentiality and the second one was respect and what was the third one that you wouldn't let me say at the beginning honesty okay so confidentiality respect and honesty okay so Mr.

Jones had put this outline together, and the only change I made was this change here. The very first thing when it comes to honesty is you have to be honest with yourself first. Well, since you added that one, what do you mean by that?

Well, I think that when you're reflecting back on um your desire to play with somebody or your your opinion of how a night went if you did play with somebody um you have to be honest about your interest level going into something or your experience post play and um you know if your partner if you know that it okay so let's just go with you have an experience and you play with another couple and your partner had a great time it's just clearly obvious that your partner had fun. What are you laughing about? Go ahead.

And sometimes I don't have as much fun as you and vice versa so when you say i clearly had fun what you mean by that is when i pulled my condom off i tied it in a knot and threw it in the trash can because it was full of something sounds and words and. And yes, you clearly had a good time. And so did the other lady. And most of the time I can, you know, pretty much stay on par with that. But let's say I don't. And I'm not saying I had a bad time, but maybe I had a good time and you had a great time. You know, I have to be honest with myself about that.

And I have to figure out why you had a good time and you had a great time you know I I have to be honest with myself about that and I have to figure out why you had a better time than I so before what you're saying is before you yell and scream at me you need to be honest with yourself right what I'm honestly I'm curious about what you mean by that like in in the situation you just described what conversation do you need to have with yourself before you come and have a conversation with me i am a people pleaser and that includes being a husband pleaser so i don't want to like yuck your yum by saying i don't want to play with them again because i didn't have fun last night and clearly you did and you know and that's just kind of like a you know wah thing and and i don't want to do that to you but at the same time you need to know that my experience i mean if i have a bad experience you know it right you know and if i'm not feeling like comfortable or safe or whatever then you know your spidey sense kicks in and you know that but if i'm just having like a mediocre experience and and you're having a good experience sometimes you won't pick up on that until afterwards and then you know i might say yeah i mean they're great people but maybe i don't want to play with them again.

And then you're like, oh, well, why? And I have to actually use my words and express that to you, which I know is going to end up disappointing you. So are you saying that as a woman, you, well, I mean, let me just, from my perspective, as a man, I want to make sure the other woman has an orgasm. Okay. And I'd like to have one, too. I don't blame you. So if those two things happen, then we're good. Okay. So are you saying that, like, if you have an orgasm, but he doesn't have an orgasm, is that disappointing to you? Well, it's a...

Does that make you feel like less than a woman not if he communicates to me with me to me with communicates what um we have friends that we're really good friends with and we've known for a long time and and he very up front he says i don't I don't finish with other women. He said, I never have, probably never will, has nothing to do with you, that's just kind of the way I'm wired. I'm like, okay. And he and I have all kinds of fun together. And because I know that going in, then I don't feel like I'm inadequate when that doesn't happen. Not only that, but you and I can talk ahead of time.

And because you know that, you can say, why don't you wait and finish with me? Yes. And that's the advantage of knowing a couple intimately enough to know that. Right. But the first time you play with somebody, you don't have any way of knowing that.

they come out and tell you right um so when when i don't have an orgasm or when the other man doesn't have an orgasm then you know that's fine i don't have to have one every time, can still be so much fun just you know just being yourself with other people and just having sexy fun with other people but sometimes there can be an imbalance between the two i guess partners of people that are playing and then you know that that's when it starts becoming um somewhat of a distressful situation for me because then you know i i don't feel like things are staying in balance and it has nothing to do with like the performance of the other person it has to do with just like the connection and just like the way people are functioning i don't know right um again that takes me back to there is just nothing wrong with soft swap yeah we'll talk about that that's a whole another subject i know but but that's me being honest with me right um sometimes i'm not as comfortable with full swap with people we don't know well right and I'm not always good at being honest about my willingness to full swap with people that I don't know well or that I'm not super comfortable with.

And we'll talk about that in a minute. Okay. Okay, so not only do you have to be honest with yourself and we have to be honest with each other as a couple, but we need to be honest with others. And you just had a good example of that. Like if somebody else tells you up front, hey, I just want to let you know that I rarely finish with another woman. That's a great example of being honest with other people. Right. So there's nothing wrong with that. No. If I know that, then that kind of takes the pressure off of me. And if you don't know that, you take it personally. I can say from experience.

I do. Because it makes me feel like a failure. You say, what's wrong with my vagina? I know. I've said that more than once. I know. And then what happens is then it devolves because then i'm like why are we doing this you know if you're feeling bad about yourself but if the man says hey i just want to let you know i don't usually finish with anyone other than my wife then that takes all the pressure off of you right and then we can soft swap or we can switch back. That's the importance of the honesty. There's nothing wrong, especially as a guy. Look, I'm going to speak for all guys.

To tell somebody that I have a hard time orgasming, is that a word? I don't think so. If I have a hard time having an orgasm, that's a little bit of an embarrassment. Because I should be able to do that. I'm a guy. I should be able to do that. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. Yeah. So I'm being vulnerable if I'm going to tell you that I have a hard time doing that. So what you're suggesting is that a guy come out and tell you that. What I'm saying is that's going to be rare because us guys don't like to admit that that's the problem.

See, so the guy that told me that, we're really, really good friends with him. Of course, we've been with him several times. Like, they could babysit my grandkids. Like, oh my God, they're just amazing people. But we know them. Right. So to expect that the first or second time you play with somebody is not reality. Right. Right. So being honest with others is a gift because if you're not happy, if a guy is not able to finish with you and I finish with his wife and then you and I struggle afterwards, that's not good for me. No, it's not.

It's not good for for us because then I feel bad about myself and then you have to like work extra hard to kind of like draw me like back into my self-confidence and such right so honesty as hard as it might seem and as impossible as that might seem as a guy to be vulnerable that's what is is required. And it's going to work out. If somebody tells you they can't have an orgasm with you, do you know what that means to me? What? I get to have an orgasm with you. I know. So what's the big deal?

And then he can go back with his wife where he feels comfortable and safe, and then'll be able to finish and then it's win-win for everybody. Again. It works out on paper. It does. But in real life it's a little bit different. It is. Okay, so then the next thing is to be direct and respectful when communicating with other people. Yeah. So this is a hard one because we we don't want to hurt people's feelings right but honestly in the lifestyle if i would want to know sooner rather than later if you're not interested in us we're not very good at this we're not i don't think so do you mean?

I think we're really good at being vague and tiptoeing around things. Like, what do you, I don't know. So I think that when we communicate with others, I think we're really good at saying every other reason we can't get together with people other than we're not attracted to you. Oh, right, right. We're not good at that. No, no, that's right, because you know why? Because I'll take responsibility for this because I'm the main communicator. Well, let's turn it around.

Like if we ask another couple to meet up once and they don't respond twice and they don't respond after the third time i finally say you know what i don't think they're interested in us yeah and now we do have a three strikes in your mouth because then we're going to save our pride at that point and now the ball is in their court so i'm um i'm observation i i i observe that after three times you know what there's a possibility that they're not interested in us and that they're just having a hard time expressing that right so i what i'm saying is that if we choose to not respond to somebody or to say hey hey, yeah, we have a really good time.

Like if somebody comes back to us and say, hey, let's get together again. And I go back and I say, yeah, we had a really good time, too. But I don't say anything about getting back together again. I expect them to pick up on that. And if they do, that's great. And if they don't, I have to then come out and say, look, we really enjoyed our time with you all, but, you know, we're just, our schedule is... Not interested in doing it again? Our schedule is booked. I mean, are you going to say that? No. I'm going to say, you know what, our schedule is full.

I mean, I'm going to try to, like to break it easily. So your little bullet says be direct and respectful. Yeah. That's not direct. See? So we suck at this. No, what I'm saying is there's different levels of it. Because we pick up on it. If somebody doesn't want to be with us, we pick up on it. We go, oh, okay, I see what's going on here. But if I need to be that direct with somebody, I will. But why should I if they pick up on it like we do?

If I just say, you know what, we've got a full calendar, we've got work, we've got family, we've got lifestyle stuff, and we're flattered by your offer but not interested i'm being honest but you don't say not interested you just say our calendar's full yeah and sometimes our calendar is full and sometimes it takes me then to say we're not interested yeah so i'm i'm just saying you don't have to come out and say every single time, look, we're not interested in you. That's a little rude. Okay. So I'm trying to be respectful, and I'm trying to get people to pick up.

And the other side of the coin is people do that to us. Yeah, I definitely have a treat.

And you say, hey, how come we haven't heard from from so and so and i said honey we reached out to them three times right and they haven't so so my so yeah i have a three strikes and you're out right like i'm only going to reach out three times and then my pride is going to like stop me yeah and it's not like they were avoiding us they would just say yeah that we'd love to do that but they don't pick a date right you know so there there's something that you need to read into before it gets to the point in time where i have to say look dude not interested yeah so but but you owe a you owe a response to people you you owe that honesty to people and to the level of honesty that they need to hear to get the message across is what I'm saying.

By being honest, by being direct and respectful, you're not meaning be a dick about it. I don't want to be a dick about it. I wasn't going to say that. Abrupt wasn't the right word either. But yeah, okay. So you can be subtle, but direct. And here's another thing. A lot of times, they are a fantastic couple. Right. And they are very attractive. Yeah. But the truth is, we only have a certain number of weekends in the month. Well, there is that. You know, so I am being honest. I mean, we have that problem. We don't have kids anymore. I know. I do not know how people with kids do this.

That's what I'm saying. Jeez Louise. That's what I'm saying. If somebody takes that personally, that's on them. But what I'm saying is that we need to be honest and speak up and respond and say yes or no and no why. No and here's why. And if that no is not accepted, then it has to be closer to being more direct and blunt and saying, we're not interested. Yeah. Okay. Did I weasel my way out of that one? Yeah. I mean, I think the word direct is very wishy-washy. Yeah. Okay, the next one I'm going to put you on the spot. Speak up regardless of the situation and environment.

So again, we're on honesty here. So speak up regardless of the situation. Okay, thump your fist on the table, why don't you? Okay, because I suck at this. You're kidding? I don't use my words. I do not use my words. You don't? No, I don't. And I try to, I'm a people pleaser. Enough said. End of story. Right. And I really suck at putting my own needs before others in a situation.

I'm good at, I'm really good at sucking sucking it up here's what i'm saying if if we're and remember this conversation tonight is about outside of the bedroom right if we're playing the dumb card game and we go from one pepper to two peppers to three peppers which means we're advancing our actions right and there's been a couple times when i've been like what the fuck are you doing and i just said the f word because like you know you you get ahead of me in that regard and then i have to use my words that's right ah every one of the four people or more are responsible for saying, no, thank you, or I'm bowing out.

And I'm going to give you a practical illustration. If we're with another couple, and we have been, and the woman says to me, you know what, this is a lot of fun, but we really need to go. or I really want to be with my husband tonight my response to that is I respect that and I'm going to fuck my wife so the point is that she she says this and I don't get angry at her am I disappointed, I'm disappointed, but I'm not angry at her because you know why? You're there with me, and I'm going to have sex with you.

I know, but typically in these situations, I'm the brake and you are the gas, but I'm the brake that doesn't stop the car. I am the brake. Well, you have to put your foot on the pedal. I know. That is my point. And I'm not good at putting my foot on the brake hard enough to stop the car. I'm just good enough to feel sorry for myself or whatever. And this is my problem. The point of this podcast is we're not casting stones. No, and I'm not blaming you. Because we have been guilty of a lot of these things. Yeah.

So it's just an acknowledgement that this is what's important when it comes to honesty. And we're still working on it. Clearly. I don't know.

I'm not good at speaking up in the moment like when when we're playing and we want to try something adventurous and we're in the middle of a play session right and it kind of goes around the bed like are you into this and then it always seems like i'm the last one let me give you and then i'm like oh shit i gotta say yes let me give you a golf analogy i always slice the ball okay so what do i do on the t-box i have a decision to make i can even try to correct my swing yeah or i can just aim way to the left because i know it's gonna go Go to the right, know my default is I don't want to compensate for your your um shortfall okay I want to hit it straight down the middle and let you respond to that I know if I was going to be over um compensating I would say well I'm always going to be trying to guess what it is that you want I'm going to hit it way left so that it goes right.

But that's like taking the burden off of you. Yeah. So I don't want to do that. But you're my husband. No, I'm a big girl and I need to put on my big girl panties and use my words.

And'm not good at that in the heat of the moment right so yes so don't do what i do speak up regardless of the situation and and really express what your comfort level is and and you know i'm kind of being like melodramatic tonight um i i really don't get myself into situations that i regret right i i kind of end up getting myself into situations that become good experiences and not great experiences that's true you know we've we've only had a couple train wrecks in five years that's true so i it sounds worse than it is that's true let's keep that in mind yeah the worst thing that happens is you have sex with other people and you don't have an orgasm so i know you know let's just first world problem here yeah okay and then i just have to take it out on you the next night or the night after that yeah right all right uh next uh have follow-up conversations when necessary or desired.

What I mean by this is that especially the friends that we've played with more than once or the friends that stay here and they stay overnight or we go away and we see them the next day to go back to them and say, hey, let's talk about last night. Yeah, I love that. I do too. Like at Desire or when we have friends spend the night, like you said, or next week at Naughty New Orleans, we'll get a chance to do that. That's really fun for the four of you to get together and kind of reflect. I think what we're saying is if you play with a couple, don't just get up the next day and just ignore them.

Yeah. Say, you know, hug them and say, oh, my gosh, last night was amazing. Yeah. And if we ever get the chance to do this again, here's what I'd like to do to you. Oh, yeah. Or I want to know what we can do next. Yeah.

Or I want to know what I did right and, you know, what I need to improve on improve on yeah i'm interested in those conversations okay well keep keep that in mind for uh next week i will okay last and honesty silence is not honesty avoiding hurting feelings leads to hurt feelings or disagreements right so you said earlier that you're a people pleaser yes our natural instinct as people pleasers Thank you.

or disagreements right so you said earlier that you're a people pleaser yes our natural instinct as people pleasers is to kick the can down the road yeah true i'm not interested in this person but i'm going to try to make it work or i'm going to go along with it or i'm going to push this under the rug, or I'm going to ignore that red flag. And eventually you end up playing, and it turns into a bigger train wreck or more drama than it should have been if you would have nipped it in the bud.

So there are people who email us all the time and talk to us all the time about, I got myself into this situation. Tell me what I did wrong. And the point is, you shouldn't have gotten yourself in this situation. That's exactly right. Yeah. Easy answer. Yeah.

So as soon as you know, your silence is not going to, if your setting is i don't want to hurt somebody so you don't say anything you're going to hurt them more because you didn't say anything earlier in the conversation right and potentially hurt your spouse or your partner yeah yeah i'm a swinger i want to be with people who want to be with me right and this sounds crass but don't waste my time and i don't mean that that way i mean that the soon the sooner you tell me you're not interested I don't waste my time and i don't mean that that way i mean that the soon the sooner you tell me you're not interested the earlier that i can start to connect with somebody else right so to lead me on and get to a certain point and say oh now that we're in the bedroom you're not interested but all the way up until now why i didn't want to hurt your feelings well you've just you've just made it more dramatic than it should have been right now you really hurt my feelings in your room my night right so the irony here is that what we're trying to avoid we actually make worse because we're not honest up front yeah simple right uh It should be simple, but like you said, when there's hormones involved and everything else, no, it's not simple.

Okay, we've talked about the golden rules, the three golden rules. There's only three rules. How hard could that be, right? And they are confidentiality. And respect. And honesty. So as we wrap up here, what are we saying? Well, I think that if you agree with the fact that confidentiality or discretion and respect and honesty are important, then you just need to live by those rules. Right. And, I mean, this isn't exclusive to the lifestyle. This is everyday life stuff.

You know, it has, this applies to gossip in the neighborhood or gossip at the workplace or gossip wherever, just as much as it applies to gossip in the neighborhood or gossip at the workplace or gossip wherever just as much as it applies to gossip in the lifestyle. You know, this is the really three basic golden rules. But when you throw sex into it, all of a sudden it changes. Right. It may be easier to have confidentiality, respect, and honesty in vanilla world. But as soon as you add sex into the equation and hormones start to kick in, that shit gets weird. Well, right.

When you're in the workplace, the logical part of your brain is active and engaged and really kind of hopefully ruling the roost. right um you know like you said when you're in the lifestyle setting and and in your sexuality is really the the dominant force then you've got all these like crazy ass hormones going and and then you're you know your your pride in your ego and you know your libido and and all is like, you know, kind of like cluttering the playing field. Right.

The point I'm making is that I believe that you and I, even though we admitted we have shortcomings tonight, I believe that we exhibit these three things to the degree that when people meet us, they feel comfortable with us and they feel safe with us. Right, and we're certainly not perfect and we don't exhibit these all the time, but I think that we try to, I think people recognize that that is our intent. We strive to follow these three goals. Okay, I'm'm going to be more explicit. Okay. We get more sex with people because we're like this.

Which is counterproductive because if you think you need to be sneaky and dishonest and make things up to get sex, you're pushing people away. Yeah, I don't find that sexy right so so be be discreet and be honest and you know some of our best lifestyle friends we have no idea how often they play who they play with like and we're really good friends with these people yeah and we really don't know no we's not our business. No, it's not. And, and a couple of times I've been tempted to ask, but I'm like, yeah, I guess if they want us to know, they'll tell us. What are you talking about?

Like, where are we on your list? Are we number one? Are we number four? Here, here, but here, honey. I mean, these are people, and we actually know a lot about these people. We know a lot about their family and their professions, et cetera. It isn't like they're surface level friends. We're like, we're real friends with them. But here's the difference. Whether we're number one or number five or number 10 with them. It's irrelevant. You know why? Why? Because you are number one with me. Well, right. Of course. Right. So anything after that is like icing on the cake. Yeah. So that's number one.

If you agree with what we're saying here tonight, live them. Here's the other point of it. Okay. Is if you don't feel that other couples are being honest with you, if you don't feel like other people are respectful to you, or if you hear other people talk about being gossipy or not confidential with you, then those are red flags. Yeah. And sometimes it's hard to walk away from that. Right. But that's clearly what you need to do. And you know why? Because you're looking at them, damn, that's a hot couple. Oh, yeah.

oh yeah damn i want to have sex with her and so a lot of times that overrides this logic that we're talking about and that's why we say we've screwed up too yeah because we're just as we're just human like everyone else yeah but even if you'd make this mistake it's not the end of the world no one of you has a good time and one of you doesn't or you both have a good time and you You could have had a better time or whatever. It's not the end of the world. No. One of you has a good time and one of you doesn't, or you both have a good time and you could have had a better time or whatever.

It's not the end of the world. It's just that these are the kind of the bedrock characteristics. Well, I think part of being honest with yourself is acknowledging the fact that it's not your partner's fault that he had or she had more fun than you did. Oh, I'm glad you said that. I know. I'm glad we got that on tape. Oh, yeah. That might come back to bite me. But, you know, I don't ever want you to feel like you need to be responsible for my pleasure. Oh, thank you. You know, that's something I need to own. True.

And sometimes I'm not good at that, but at least I'm very good at being aware of that. Right. Okay, the three golden rules. Confidentiality, respect, and honesty. And even though they sound simple. They can be complicated. When you're talking about having sex with other people it can be complicated so when we come back snapshot time and I think snapshot time is when we got it all right we did at least my snapshot, I think I got it all right I think I did too alright, we'll be right back. Welcome back to Snapshots. Awesome.

After two weeks of solid family time, I think we were ready to get her sexy on. We have a lot of potential snapshots. I know. Who's first? Well, I guess I'll go first. Okay. So again, two weeks of solid family time. And our really good lifestyle friends just happened to be in Vegas at the same time we were there. What a coincidence. I know. And they do this every year. So it wasn't like they planned a trip to coincide with our trip. They had already planned to be there. And it was just the natural time for us to take our granddaughter back and visit with our daughter and son-in-law.

So anyway, we ended up in Vegas at the same time.

so we we flew in like okay first of all we need to talk about how much sleep we did not get oh my gosh we got eight hours of sleep in two days we got eight hours of sleep over like yeah two night oh i don't think it was that much so the first night we got in we had gotten up like in the middle of the night like at 3 30 in the morning east coast time to catch our flight we had like a 6 a.m flight we landed in vegas at 8 dropped our granddaughter off at our daughter's house and and spent a little bit of time with them but then we hooked up with our lifestyle friends and hung out with them at the pool all day.

They rented a cabana, so it was just like super like indulgent, like kind of crazy day. Then we went back to our hotel and took a one-hour nap and then went out bar hopping. Oh my gosh, we had so much fun.

We went to the Bellagio and had like this like infused vodka and then we went to like the cosmopolitan and and went to like what is it called the champagne lounge no no no uh chandelier lounge the chandelier bar and um had some i had the best drink of my life that night you're right i took a picture of it it was the best drink i've ever had and um anyway that was so much fun and then and then we went back to the hotel room and just totally fired up running on adrenaline at this point and we all started playing and i guess at some point i had put some gum in my mouth to freshen my breath.

And I start, we had started playing, like we were all naked at this point and everything. And I start giving him a blow job and I realized that the gum in my mouth was like sticking to his cock. I was like, I don't think this is supposed to be happening. Of course, I had been up like, I don't know, 24 hours at this point in time. What do you mean sticking to his? You mean you gave him a blowjob with gum in your mouth? Yes, I had been chewing gum. Did you try to put it under your tongue or anything? I was trying to like stuff it in the side of my cheek. How rude.

But I think I'm like right cheeked when I give a blowjob and I wasn't smart enough to put it in my left cheek. So how do you know it was sticking to his cock? Because I went, it literally stuck to his cock. That meant it came out of your mouth and you saw it. No, I felt it. Did you pick it off? No, I felt it. So I had like tried to stuff it in my right cheek, but then I was giving him a blowjob and then I realized it had dislodged from the side of my cheek where I thought it was hiding. Why didn't you swallow it? Because I don't swallow gum. You'd be there for seven years. Right.

Like, didn't your mother ever tell you that? Oh my gosh. So no, clearly I didn't swallow it because then it would dislodge from my right cheek and then I realized as I was given a blowjob that it was like, it was stuck to his cock just for just for a couple seconds and then I was like and then I've like all of a sudden busted out laughing and like things had gotten pretty hot and heavy it was pretty quiet in the room at that point there was just like nothing but heavy breathing and then all of a sudden I'm like and then I'm like my gum is stuck to your cock so I actually had to like.

My gum is stuck to your cock. That's something a guy just doesn't want to hear. Pretty much. I'm surprised that we're still friends with them. I know. We'll see. We haven't seen them since. Yeah. We'll see if they ever show up again. Yeah. So I had to like excuse myself and go spit my gum out. Like it wasn't completely stuck. Did you at least come back and finish the job? Oh, of course I did. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, it was a short time out. So bubble gum on the cocks now. A little bit of laughter going on. I don't think he was laughing. He was like, what the hell is going on?

And I was just completely like rolling yeah i thought it was hilarious i don't think you even noticed did you even know that was going on why would i be paying attention to you when i had because i'm pretty sure when i said something i'm pretty sure when i said something about i think my snapshot is going to be about the gum oh no no no he texted me and he said quote of the weekend like i something about the gum yeah yeah and you were like what is that about right and i'm like how could you not have noticed because i was with her true okay well anyway my snapshot has to do with blowjob too okay it was except she didn't have gum in her mouth.

Well, good for her. So we're really good friends with them. And we had, we talked about this earlier, about how when you have friends and you're with them multiple times, you start to get to know them. And she has an amazing body and she was giving me a blowjob and she made mention of how I think her exact words were. Oh brother, here it comes. You have a really nice cock. And I have to agree with that. Well, this guy, you know what this goes back to? Remember we were talking about the five love languages. Yeah.

And like my main love language is words of adoration well my cock has the same he enjoys words of affirmation as well he really does because yeah yeah he does that for me too so when she told me that or for any other reference out there future reference ladies that's always helpful it's so hot i think when somebody says that about me and anyway she made mention of that and and it helped um me finish the evening and we had a great full swap session but anyway after that we were staying in a hotel right on the main strip right in the middle of everything and the suite that we were in they had the doors open double doors were opened and it wasn't a balcony it was just a railing that that prevented you from falling out right and you could look out and you could see the blagio you could see caesar's palace you could see that big high roller ferris wheel just all the buildings are so pretty lit up at night yeah so not only did i just get an amazing blow job without wobblegum and it wasn't bubblegum it was mint and my cock got his words of affirmation but then when we were finished just to stand there naked together and look out that that view of las vegas was was pretty incredible that was super cool i was kind of like, who are we?

Yeah. Yeah. Kind of felt like a rock star. Okay, before we go, don't forget, we have a private We Got a Thing members community. Gosh, I love that community so much. Yeah. Like every day I fall in love with these people more and more.

And not only are they sexy and funny, they are smart because we pretty much got all of our ideas from this episode from them are we going to admit that publicly that this whole podcast came from the idea came from our community pretty much okay i think we just did yeah thank you all who contributed uh to tonight and i think we're going to do this more often yeah it's great to get a lot of feedback before we record. So thank you all for that. We're not stealing from them. We're meeting the needs of our listeners. Yeah, that's right. I like that better.

Thank you for helping us meet the needs of our members. You can join us on Cassidy or Double Date Nation. There are links on our website. join to get three months for free on either of those sites. And you can also visit our website to learn more about booking your desire trip through us. Yes. Um, we're really excited to offer that. And like we said, you know, desire is our happy place and we want it to be yours too. Absolutely. And we still enjoy your emails. Um, you can email me at mrjones at wegotathing.com w--E-G-O-T-T-A-T-H-I-N-G dot com. Or me at mrsjones at wegotathing.com.

You can also contact us through our website, wegotathing.com. Follow us on Twitter at wegotathing. And we also have a presence on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest, all at We Got a Thing. Yes. So, thanks for listening. We are Mr. and Mrs. Jones, and We Got a Thing. What's your thing? We'll see you next time.