Episode 42: (Not So) Great Expectations- Avoiding Disappointment

Transcript

This podcast contains explicit language and content and is for mature audiences only. Hey you teenagers out there, if you're under 18, this show is more for your parents. So now that you have that mental picture stuck in your head, put some music on and get back to doing your homework. We are a long-time married couple who's decided to chronicle our personal adventures and share our sex-positive discussions as we navigate our way through the swinging lifestyle. Care to join us? Hello everyone, I'm Mr. Jones.

And I'm mrs jones and we want to welcome you to episode 42 of the we got a thing podcast so you know what mr jones what what's coming up on friday um i don't know husband fail oh it's our anniversary yeah it's our anniversary yeah 33 years i know third of a century i know i'm gonna i'm gonna avoid that and say aren't you gonna say it's episode 42 of the title of the podcast we'll get to that okay important things have to get out of the way first. You know what else it is almost? Halloween. Our podcast-aversary. Yeah, I know. That's next month. Oh, well, we released on October 31st.

I went back and checked. Okay. Yeah. We're almost there. Three years. I know. It's been fun. Yeah. Looking forward to number four. That's true. Okay, so episode 42 tonight. Yeah. It is called Not So Great Expectations, Avoiding Disappointment. Oh, goody. That sounds like a good one. Yeah, something that we need to listen to, too. I think we have all been guilty of developing expectations. Oh, yes, we have, for sure.

know extra sexy and extra flirty and yeah extra attractive and yeah yeah so we'll get into that yep before we do though let's go over a couple of announcements okay uh let's talk about uh last episode or the episode before we told you that we're working on a big We Got a Thing project. Oh, my gosh. We're still working on it. Yes. It's a beast. And our crack team of attorneys and business partners and investors have not given us permission to talk about it yet. We have investors. No, that's you and me. Oh, okay. As a matter of fact.

I was like like are you holding out on me no no no we do have an attorney yeah yeah so trustee advisors yeah we can't we can't go into details yet but we can tell you that we are working hard uh several hours a day um on this project and that we really hope by next episode that we will be able to give you a lot more details and we're shooting for releasing this product in december yes and we are we're really excited about it we thought this was something we could do in our spare time and let's just say it's really a good thing that we're both retired and self-employed and have extremely flexible schedules.

Yeah, it's been quite the commitment, but it's been a lot of fun. It has been a ton of fun. Yeah, stay tuned. We promise next time that we'll be able to give you some more information. Yeah. So we are like T minus three and a half weeks from going to Desire, our first big official group trip to Desire with the curious couple and swinging down under. Yeah. And about 80 of our closest couple friends, well, 160 of our closest friends. Yeah. About 80 couples are traveling with us.

Yeah, so all of you who are going with us, we will be releasing another podcast just a few days before our desire trip to give everyone something to listen to on the plane ride to kenku i know so yeah don't forget to look for it and download it so you can listen to it on the airplane so this is 42 that'll be 43 yep we don't know we're going to talk about yet we'll put one out yeah we'll be um for our trip, so we'll be pumped up about something. Yeah, so speaking of desire, here's a little bit of information about what we have planned for 2018. Yes.

First of all, we are lacking some information here, but we can start to give you some dates. Yes. We are intending on going on the next Desire cruise, which is the Barcelona to Rome cruise, and that is April 28th to May 5th. Yes. And we are really excited. We have not been on a lifestyle cruise before. Yes. So, you know, we're starting with the cream of the crop here.

It's going be hard to uh we've also never been to barcelona before no nor rome yeah nor monte carlo nor anywhere in europe i know so we are really excited about doing the mediterranean and being on a desire lifestyle cruise yeah so we'll give you more details on that next month but um also we are going to take two trips to Pearl next year. Yes. So we're going to go the week of June 23rd through June 30th. And the reason we chose that week is because we know many of you have rugrats at home. Yeah. So, you know, I think all the kids will be out of school by then.

And hopefully the summer camps have started, or hopefully grandma and grandpa or auntie and uncle are available to spend some time with the kids so you guys can speak away. Yeah. And because we had so many people respond to this November, we're also going to go back next November 10th through the 17th. Yeah, so it'll be the same week next year. Yeah. And keep in mind that if that, those exact seven days don't work for you, we have a lot of people coming on this trip and they'll, they're either staying three or four nights or five nights or overlapping at some point in time.

So you don't necessarily have to book the whole seven days. Right, right. But those are the dates that we're going to be there. So if I'm going to be putting some information up on our website soon so if you're thinking about the cruise or either trip to pearl one more thing to keep in mind before you book desire has verbally told us that they are going to look at putting a special package together for we got a Thing listeners. And we have not received that confirmation from them. Well, they said that it wouldn't be ready until November. So we're a little premature in our announcement.

But we know a lot of you are booking your summer vacations. Yeah. So we wanted to let you know when we're going. And we want to let you know that hopefully we will have some sort of a package deal for you, and maybe we'll know that the next time that we podcast. Right. But, you know, stay tuned. And if you want to ask specific questions, you know, feel free to email us and ask us questions. But we do have banners on our website that you can click through to book the cruise or to book Desire RM or Desire Pearl.

Yeah, and if you do that, if you wouldn't mind just sending us an email after you do that, just so that we'll know. Right. To make sure that everything went through okay. Right. So, on with Keeping Up with the Joneses. It's time to talk about some sexy fun. We've had a lot of fun the past few weeks i know we have done um a lot of catching up with old friends i think we should just get out of the lifestyle right now because it just can't get any better like three really wonderful experiences i know mr jones we are three and a half weeks from going to desire with 80 incredibly sexy couples.

Okay. I'll wait one more month. Thank you. And then we just said, we're going on a lifestyle cruise in the middle of the Mediterranean and we're, are we just going to go and, and be like mom and pop and just supervise everybody? Yeah. Yeah. Right. I might've been kidding a little bit. I hope so. I said that because the last three, the three experiences that we had this week with good friends this month, this week, good Lord, this month and last went really well. Yes. We have had a lot of fun. Yeah.

Um, we had some friends come up and, uh, we got together with them and we've been with them a few times but it was just really good to catch up we hadn't seen them since we had left our jobs and started our new career so we had to do all that like talking at first but then yeah and we managed to get that out of the way yeah we had a really good time with them and then the other the other couple that we met with we've been trying to get together with them we went out to dinner with them like a year ago exactly a year ago yeah and it's taken us a year for our calendars to sync up i know everything else to be in line so that we could get together and we realized we wasted a whole year yes because we really had a good time with them too i know but they don far.

No. Yeah, we don't have to let another year go by. No. And then we have really some of our lifestyle besties. And again, it had been like forever since we have seen them in different social events. I know, honey, but we have a lot of friends. I know. And we have a lot of family. Yeah. And we have jobs and work to do. And a house to take care of. You want to commit to everybody. Quit being the buzzkill. I'm just telling you that. Tell me who you want to drop off. Yeah. So you either just got to spread out the wealth or you've got to cut somebody off. You tell me who it is. I know.

Well, they're the one. We'll just announce their names right now. Yeah, they busy yeah they're extremely busy yeah so and it was one of those impromptu things we were texting about something and um and i said so like you wouldn't happen to be free this saturday because they said something about miss you guys and i'm like well you're not free this coming saturday are you because we don't have anything on the calendar. And they were like, we don't either. So it was just meant to be. Yeah, and there was some hair pulling. There was a lot of stuff going on. And there was some ass slapping.

And when we got finished, I have never had so much sweat on me. Yeah. of it was mine, but I think some of it was hers as well. It was like humid in the room when we were done. Because all four of us were sweaty. Yeah, that may have been the longest nonstop session we've been involved in. That, yeah, it was crazy.

And both of us guys finished at the same time yes which doesn't happen that often yes it was um it was quite the crescendo yeah and then you know what the best part was when we got done we ate pie i know we did with ice cream we earned that pie too i know because we played for a really long time That was fun. Yeah, so we've had a lot of fun, and that's going to take us, hopefully that's going to carry us into, well, we have some friends coming this weekend, too. Oh, it's Halloween weekend. We saw a Halloween party on Saturday night. Yeah.

And then we have other friends coming into town the following weekend. I know. It's a good thing we're going to Desire. We need a break. Yeah, right. Like, that's break yeah right like that's gonna happen yeah so anyway thank you all you all know who you are we had a really great time oh absolutely and we're looking forward to the well this is like swinger this is the peak season this is high season between now and new year's yep yeah fall season kids are back in school weather's getting a a little cooler, Halloween's coming along and desire trip coming up.

So this is the wheelhouse for swinging right here. I know, I know, it's great. Okay, so when we come back, we are going to talk about the issue that a lot of people have been emailing us and talking about and that we have experienced ourselves.

Yeah, a few times, that's expectations and then being disappointed yep so we'll excited well we say it all the time and other podcasters say it all the time and all of our friends say it all the time but we still do it we're freaking hypocrites yeah even even those of us who should know better we can't help ourselves we're hypocrites and yeah we don't even realize that we're doing it until it's too late. Yep. Another disappointment or another date with another couple. Well, and, you know, Mr. Jones and I were talking about this and trying to figure out how to kind of frame the whole thing.

And I said, you know, it's like what we should be thinking about is hope. You know, you hope you're going to have a good time. You hope everything's going to lead's gonna lead to play yeah you know but then when you crop there's this invisible line and then you cross it and then all of a sudden your brain is expecting things to happen because you're like all excited and and just completely infatuated with the idea of playing with them yes i, I think what we're saying is there's a thin line between hoping something will happen versus expecting something to happen.

Yeah, and there's a very thin line, but those are hugely different things. Yes, they are. Different mindsets. But we think we got it all figured out. Yeah, so it's never gonna happen to us again again is it mr jones yeah right well i mean the first few things that come to mind and this is how i mean from our perspective this is what happens i mean we are swingers right um i think so and we're in this for obviously the same reason for the most part Yeah,. There's a certain end game we all look forward to. Whether or not it happens, it's that elephant in the room when you meet somebody else.

That sexy elephant in the room. Yeah. So that's already there. And sex is what it's all about. I mean, ultimately, if we could make friends make friends i mean that's what sets the lifestyle apart is yes we make good friends yes it deepens our relationship why can't we do that in non-lifestyle areas right so it's the sex or the the idea of sex this the sexuality part of it that sets it apart. So we've got that in the back of our mind. And then there are things that we do that kind of lead us to expectations. Like I'm always asking you, did you get the swinger bag?

Right, so you're making assumptions. Could be. Yeah. Right. Right, we'll get in the car to go somewhere and he'll be like did you bring the swinger back and i'll be like no it's tuesday night and we're meeting them for dinner and you have to be at work at five o'clock in the morning right and he's like so yeah because the lady's pretty yeah another situation may be that you've been out with a couple before or you've met a couple somewhere before, either at an event or a meet and greet, and you're going to see them again. And because you've already met once, you could develop an expectation.

Well, right. You kind of, yeah. Okay, I'm tumbling over my words because I'm like super guilty of this. Yeah.

And it of goes back to the whole swinger bag thing so we had friends that came into town and we played with them on I don't remember let's say it was Friday night and then um it was so yeah they they were in town they were actually here for work yeah and they had come like earlier stayed late or something anyway so we got together with them again the next night and you said when we got in the car did you bring the swinger bag and i said yes i did and you said you know i'm not real sure if they're going to want to play again because they were very new to the lifestyle and i was like well i'm a girl scout i'm always prepared and um and it didn't happen, so, and I, I was kind of sad cause I really wanted to play again.

Yeah. Um, so yeah, I probably, my hope was probably on the verge of becoming an expectation. Yeah. Well, it's happened to me too. Uh, we, we met a couple, uh, at a local meet and greet and then later we went out to dinner with them. Yeah. And when we decided to extend the evening after dinner, my mind went to an expectation and then it didn't happen. Right. So again, bad, bad on me, just like anything else we talk about, we're fairly guilty of committing the same crimes. Well, it's human nature. Yes.

And we can make it pretty by saying, oh, just hope that it'll happen and don't expect it to happen because then you'll be disappointed. But, yeah, that sounds good on paper. Yeah. But these are like human emotions with hormones thrown in for good measure. Yeah. And we'll get to that. Um, you know, the, the other, the other thing that leads us to believe these things is when like she sends me sexy pictures, you know, when a lady sends me pictures of her and wearing almost nothing and make suggestive comments. That's happened quite recently. Yeah. I can develop an expectation if I'm not careful.

Yeah? Yeah. Okay, so let's try to like back up and figure out how this train wreck starts going down the tracks where you can't stop it and it just crosses into becoming an expectation. Yeah. And, you know, expectations in and of themselves, I think we touched on this earlier, but it's not the expectation. It's the disappointment. Right. As a result of the expectation. And that disappointment can turn into self-doubt. It can turn into self-pity. It can turn into... Well, you can think, oh my gosh, they didn't think I was sexy enough to want to play.

You know, they left or they didn't want to go to the bar after dinner because I'm not sexy. Right. And then you just start, you know, then you stare at yourself in the mirror and you say, oh my gosh, no wonder. And then you just start criticizing yourself. And there's this like huge downward spiral. And then you're like, well... Do guys do that too? Because I'm talking about it from a lady's perspective. Be careful.

say oh my gosh no wonder and then you just start criticizing yourself and there's this like huge downward spiral and then you're like do guys do that too because i'm talking about it from well yeah because i i'll think well obviously he was attracted to you so it must have been her you know she must have been the one to pull the plug you know and then i wish i would have you know i made a fool of myself or i had this expectation i should have waited and then i begin to doubt you know you know we start to fill in the blanks of the story I know not knowing the end and it spirals downwards and then before you know it if you're new to this it can be even more debilitating I mean you could say well why are we even in this right this isn't worth it yes isn't worth it yeah it's never gonna happen I'm coming home and now my wife is full of self-doubt and she doesn't think the person's attracted to her why did I even do this to begin with and yeah so it's the disappointment that comes after the expectation so this is a train that's coming down the track right so typically I mean let's talk about how we begin interacting with another couple or you know before an event or before a date or before we're, you know, going to meet them at a party.

Um, you know, what, what happens? You know, like a lot of times if you're going like, we have a Halloween party coming up next weekend and it's got an RSVP list or you go to a meet and greet. And if it's, you know, through, you know, lifestyle website, you sometimes you can see the RSVP list. So you start reaching out to people that you think that you might be interested in. And especially if you're new to lifestyle, that's so comforting to actually make a connection before you walk into something. Yeah. Or a desire trip that's coming up in two and a half weeks. Yeah.

We have like what, three or four kick groups going that we know of. And our website forum and the forum on our website yeah so people have been getting to know each other virtually for nine or ten months now yeah yeah so typically that's how it happens because you're hoping to make a connection with somebody so that there's a lot of being nervous about going out on a date you're nervous about going to a party or an event or a lifestyle vacation you feel like if you know somebody ahead of time, you're like, okay, I'm going to know somebody there. Right.

And that's just comforting to see a familiar face when you walk into a big group. Yeah. So, so, you know, it starts out that you are going to, you know, you're going to hope to make a connection. Yeah. And that's a good thing. Yes. Hoping to make a connection is a good thing. Yeah. So typically it starts out by very innocent. We introduce ourselves. Right. I mean, who we are, you know, where we're from, how long we've been in the lifestyle. Yep. You know, just the normal chit chat, innocent at first. And then if we go out, we'll set a date.

And then once we set a date, we start sharing more stories about ourselves. Right. And we're doing this like on either Kik or texting or some other messaging service, right? Yes, right. It could start off on a website, but then it'll move to Kik or it'll move to texting. Right. Yeah. And then we start sharing lifestyle stories and more about ourselves. And we start to socialize a little bit, which is typical, right? Yeah. And then we start sharing lifestyle stories and more more about ourselves. And we start to socialize a little bit, which is typical, right? Yeah.

And then that leads to flirting. That leads to flirting. Yeah. Which is fun. Yeah. And there's some suggestive comments that are made. And then all of a sudden there's a picture or two that are sent. Yeah, I know. So like right now, you know, we're getting ready for this desire trip and there's a lot of photos. There's a lot of packages arriving in the mail. You know, dresses for dinner or for the theme nights or like my Halloween costume came in a couple weeks ago. Oh, can I go off on a tangent for a minute? Yeah. So Mr. Jones was down here in his office on a conference call I don't know.

a couple weeks ago and um oh can i go off on a tangent for a minute yeah so mr jones was down here in his office on a conference call and um my halloween costume came in the mail so i'm upstairs and i put it on and and it's rather suggestive and it's not completely inappropriate but it's kind of risque so i get like all dolled up in my halloween costume and i come downstairs and i walk into his office and he has earbuds in his ears and he's looking at his computer and he's on like a video conference call the his eyes got huge when i walked in the room and the only thing that saved me is that his computer was not facing me so his webcam did not catch my right my image but his co-workers probably noticed that his eyes got like as big as saucers for a second and now you know why i want a doorbell before you downstairs i know it's terrible yeah well then i came up to your while we're on this tangent i came to visit you and you kicked me out of your office.

Well, you fell asleep in my office and you started snoring. I'm not kidding. You started snoring in my office. Well, your dog is laying on the floor, snuggled up to you snoring. Why can't? She's cute. So needless to say, we haven't worked out our... Yeah, we're still working on our work arrangements but anyway sorry back from sexy pictures sexy pictures yes well suggestive sometimes it might start out to be just a picture of a couple like us after a race or us at a party together but then as the flirting continues then the more X-rated pictures start to come. Right.

And again, you know, you do not have to put your faces in those pictures.

You know, it just, you know, you can kind of keep that all in perspective as you're thinking about flirting, you know, so, so make it fun, but, you know, be as discreet as you need to be at the at this point in your lifestyle journey but at any rate the the pictures get more sexy yes and then the talk gets more sexy and then you know you're you're at a distance and we could be home it could be the weekend we could be drinking and then we get a little bit more suggestive and i'll say something about oh i can't wait till we meet and i can tear that thing off you.

Or I can't wait until we meet and I can really see what's under there. You really start to make specific comments that are really taking it up to a point where. Now we're really hoping to make a connection. Yeah. The expectations are really building at this point in time. And then you get the flirting back and it just escalates from there.

And in your mind at that point in time and then you get the flirting back and it just escalates from there and in your mind at that point in time you're ready to play right and you haven't even met the people face to face no they live on the other side of the country right yeah so all of a sudden you know and again these are like hormones so it's not like the logical part of your brain is in charge right now. You know, all of a sudden you begin to expect that something's going to happen because of all this flirty, sexy talk.

And you're seeing these pictures of this very attractive person that you're attracted to. And yeah, you cross this line in your brain. Right. So what we can fail to do at that point in time and we fail to do this a lot too yeah but it's a good thing to try to bring some reality back into the conversation at that point in time you know like it takes somebody that's a little has their wits about them to say, hey, seriously, this has really been fun flirting with you. And you guys are a sexy couple. But remember, you know, we we are a no pressure, no promises couple.

Yeah, we we have no expectations. This has been a lot of fun. We're looking forward to meeting you. But let's just go back to square one and say no pressure, no promises. Right. at the end of the day you have to remember that people can be amazing in writing but that doesn't mean you're going to have chemistry when you meet them face to face yeah or they can be something that they're more comfortable being virtually than they than they are in real life. Right. Yeah. Right. I mean, you've seen pictures of them, so you know that they're super attractive.

But, you know, the attractiveness doesn't always bring the chemistry to the table as well. Right. So now that we're all lathered up. I know. We're ready to go skip dinner and just go right to the room and tear each other's clothes off. How can we avoid these expectations? Well, let me know. Okay, that wraps us up for tonight. That's right. Thanks for joining us. Stay tuned next month when hopefully we'll have a semi-intelligent answer for you. I know, this is tough. So the easiest way to do it is just to, and again, you all know that we are social swingers.

So we try to have a friends first approach, you know, so we're talking about friends with benefits, right? Right. So let's let the benefits sit on the back burner for a minute. Okay. And let's focus on friends first. That makes sense.

Sounds good sense sounds good in writing doesn't it yeah so let's start from there um let's let's go outside of the lifestyle okay let's just talk about friends in general because this is as you said friends okay so let me erase all the sexy photos from my brain okay i got it i'm ready no what i'm saying is like before we got into the lifestyle what do you look for in a friend i mean you're you want somebody that you respect right right somebody that you can get to know and trust yeah somebody that you have some things in common with right like what a sexy wife yeah sorry you're making this difficult i'm sorry okay no like an activity that you have in common.

Yeah. Right. I get it. Or somebody that, you know, is intellectual or, you know, like if you're, what do you use, you're sapiosexual, if you're, you know. Yes. Somebody that you can have an intelligent conversation with. A sense of humor. Yeah, somebody that has a great personality. You know, and all of these things are characteristics of a true friend. And if that's what you're looking for in the lifestyle, then that has to come first, I think is what you're saying. Yeah. Friends first approach. I mean, people you just enjoy talking to.

Now, do you think you can establish those characteristics or those connections virtually? You, well, yes and no. I mean, you can tell a lot just about, you know, justing with somebody on kick or by texting. You know, people's sensitive humor can come through. You know, of course, you can see what they look like um and you can talk about things you have in common and and you can say all the right things in writing about trust and respect but does that you know again when you meet somebody face to face and you have that conversation in person, is that all going to transfer over?

Yeah, this is getting back to last week. This is the last episode. This is not a prefrontal cortex decision. This is an amygdala decision. Yeah, Amy G. Dollar's got to get involved, huh? Because on paper or virtually, you know, you can logically connect all these things, but you're not going to know until you are face-to-face with a couple whether or not these are actually there. Right, right. You would agree with that, right? Yes. Okay. So these qualities, we agree, have to be validated in person.

They can be implied virtually, or you can make the assumption that they're there virtually but until you get in front of people and see that their actions match their words that's when trust starts to develop yeah and when the connection starts to develop right You know, sometimes I will really connect with somebody on kick or or by texting and then we meet face to face and i don't know what to say to them yeah there's just like nothing there yeah it's weird yes but it it it doesn't happen all the time but it has happened and it's kind of confusing because it's like the person in writing isn't, it doesn't translate to the person in writing isn't, it doesn't translate to the person I'm talking to face to face.

Well, and it may not have been, her husband might've picked up the phone at that point. Yeah, you're right. But yeah, I just can't. Yeah. Well, it's, it's easier to be something you're not when the people aren't in front of you. Yeah. I mean, that's just the, that's how technology allows us to be. But you know, we've had that happen. Um, we've been in some like group kick, uh, or like kick groups before we've gone on, um, different vacations or, or we've gone to different events or those types of things.

And I really struggle with chatting with people on Kik and then meeting them face-to-face sometimes because it appears to be a very different personality. I can tell it's the same person, but the way they come across is really different. Sometimes people that are very flamboyant in writing are somewhat introverted in person. And that makes perfect sense because a lot of times introverted people are really expressive in writing. Right. So that kind of creates a little bit of a conflict in my mind. Yes.

To try to put those two people together, my virtual friend and in my face friend you know what it's like what the wizard of oz how so pay no attention to that man behind the curtain oh yeah because until she looked behind the curtain to find out who he really was yeah he was still all-knowing all-powerful oz yeah that's true yeah so that's the friends first approach but some people mistakenly can take the benefits first approach yeah and you know that that's a tough one because you you're so attracted to these people and you know they're they're very attractive they're very suggestive in the way that they they communicate with you that you know all of a sudden your hormones are kicking in and you're and you you want to connect with them yeah and this actually if other people aren't if if somebody's in the friends first approach and they meet somebody in the benefits first approach, the friends first approach people, the couple, they can actually be pushed away.

Right. Quickly. Right. And that happens to you and me sometimes. Like you all of a sudden might not care so much about the friends approach.. And I'm really concerned about the friend's first approach. Yeah. And you're all about the benefits at that point. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, there's this disparity between you and me. And then, you know, I have to drag you back. Or, you know, it could happen vice versa, too. So now, not only have we not connected with this couple, but now it's caused a disparity between you and me.

Yeah, so one of us, or somebody's going to be sending a message that it's more about the sex than it is about the connection. Yes. Okay, so I think we should stop here and regroup. Because I think what we decided was that, first of all, we are social swingers. Definitely. So we like to take the friend's first approach. Yes. And without the friend's first approach, the likelihood of there being benefits is very low. Yes.

However, if we go back to what we described earlier in the texting or the kicking, when you're virtually flirting and you get all the way up to almost playing and then when you meet if you don't start back at the friends first approach you're starting at the benefits approach and that could possibly be why there's not a connection right so so right so to translate all that you know all the kicking is great but when you meet face to face you kind of got to start over yes you know when you start over it's going to be a quicker yes procession through all the different little steps of getting to know people obviously but you still have to start over to see if that connection is there if that chemistry is there well and if you want to play this use case out in your mind think of it this way what Thank you.

you still have to start over to see if that connection is there, if that chemistry is there. Well, and if you want to play this use case out in your mind, think of it this way. What?

How many times have you developed an expectation, gotten with a couple and were disappointed or they were disappointed versus you going to the same event or an event where you didn't make a connection ahead of time and you meet somebody and it was successful oh yeah why was it successful because you're forced to start with the friend's first approach when you haven't kicked or messaged with them before yeah so we're not saying that you can't text or you shouldn't get in kick groups what we're saying is the likelihood that you're going to skip over establishing that trust and friendship in person is higher and more likely if you take that benefits first can i confess something yes i'm not a big fan of kick like okay so i am a big fan of kick when we're kicking with like another couple, I struggle in the groups and I am in a couple of groups right now.

And I'm actually really enjoying them. The people in our groups that, well, I'm in a ladies group of ladies that are going to desire. And then I'm in a couples group as well.

And, and I don't really, I'm not as active as i should be because i struggle because i overthink everything i'm trying to figure out you know what are these people really going to be like in person and i and i know because i've been burned a couple times yeah so i'm not a big fan because i love being in the pool at desire going up to the bar in the pool to get myself a drink and stand in there and just look at a new couple that I haven't seen before because maybe they've just gotten there or maybe I just haven't met them yet.

And I just love to introduce myself and just start a conversation, which is crazy for me because I am an introvert and I'm not super social but for some reason i love doing that yeah no preconceived notion of who they are or where they're from and that's how that's almost easier for me yes than to have to kind of like um back up the train and start over again with somebody i've been kicking with that i don't really know if they understand who I am and I don't know if I really understand who they are. Well, also, I think you're talking about a grouped text, a group kick. Yes.

Yeah, so we're not talking about like couple-on-couple kick. No, not so much. Right. But you still have to be careful with that as well because we can all present ourselves differently in writing than we really are in person. Yeah, so let's talk about how we prefer to text or kick with a couple before we meet. Right.

Because typically what we do is we'll get a date on the calendar and that date could come about through an email or if we already know them through a kick message and let's just say that date is two months from now okay once we get it on the calendar and we reconnect and say can't wait to see you guys again we don't text with them every day no we have busy and we know they're busy right so i don't want to be a pest you know so maybe a week or so before the event the date we'll hit them up again and say hey this time next week you know it's only a week away now we're looking forward to getting together with you guys so there may have been three or four or five weeks that went past that we either didn't text at all or maybe just a random checking in every once in a while.

Right, or we occasionally have people that are coming into town and they'll know like six months ahead of time and they'll contact us and say, we're coming in on this date. Would you guys happen to be available? And we're like, well, shoot, it's six months from now. Yeah, we're available. So we'll put it on the calendar and we might not hear from them for like two or three months. But then, you know, as time approaches, it becomes more and more frequent. And then, you know, like the week before. Well, the week before and then like three days before, that's when it gets serious.

You know, that's when we're like, can you believe it's three more days until we see you? We can't wait.

We have a date like that coming up right now and it's just now ramping up and it's so exciting we made this date five or six months ago i think it was longer than that and to their credit they're just like us i mean they they started texting us maybe a couple of weeks ago and then it went silent and last week we messaged them and they said hey can't wait to see you next week we'll text you midweek which they just did today yep and now it'll ramp up for a couple of days and that a very short period of time that you do the real heavy flirting and you know pictures back and forth in my mind gets you really charged up for the weekend and then you have your fun and then you say your goodbyes and then you text afterwards and say how much fun that was.

And then it tails off and then you don't text as much anymore. That's how typically we like to use it. Now, the group text is so much different because if you're going to a party or you're going to Desire and it's eight months away, what do you you have to talk about there's no flow to it because new people are coming in yeah people run out of things to talk about and then you know just like kids you know when you're hanging around the conversation can go anywhere it can be not really structured and you know so is it worth it you know i don't know i I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

I think that we're just saying that that's not the way that we like to connect with people. Right. Well, it is a it's a way to connect with people. It's not my preferred way to connect with people. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And if it's something that you don't like, you should get out of it. Yeah. I mean, really. Right. If it's intimidating, you know, if people are sharing pictures that you think are over the top or you feel pressured into doing something, just exit. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. No, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

But also keep in mind, as we've been talking about, that there is some gap, there is some daylight between who people really are in person and how they portray themselves virtually. That, I think, is the main message that I have gotten out of this topic and that I hope other people hear as well. Yes.

And so what happens when you meet face-to-face is you can fill that fill that gap yeah and you find out who they really are and what they're really about right yeah so this avoiding expectations is something that will probably never go away no it's not going to because you're constantly going to be be meeting new people and and every interaction with another Your couple has a different dynamic just because of the personalities involved right and let's face it we're old people using technology that's a scary thing yeah so i guess to summarize this you know we are social swingers and you know we we like the the friends with benefits but we need to put the friends before the benefits.

Right. Now, again, that's just us. Yeah. Another thing in summary is, you know, this technology that we have now, it really allows us to skip the whole making friends part very easily. Right, right. Too many assumptions can be made virtually. Yeah, so be aware of technology is a great thing. I'm a proponent of that. But, you know, we sometimes substitute that and think that that's a shortcut to the face-to-face stuff and that's what leads to disappointment. Right.

Reaching out as friends first gives a much better chance to experience the benefits I think so you know and again that that's just us being super social swingers but you know that the friends I'm not I would be such a hypocrite I've already said the word hypocrite more than once tonight but I'd be such a hypocrite to you know, I don't do this for the sex, which that, of course, is definitely part of it. But the friendships we've made, I mean, we were just talking about that with our good friends that we got together with last weekend. The friendships are just priceless. Yeah.

And I'm going to give a plug out right now to our friends, Paige and Penn, because they just released episode number 50. Yeah. And at the very end of their episode, they talked about a couple that they met at Desire and they could tell that they were newbies and they were, they could tell by looking at them that they were very timid and they went over and they had a conversation with them and you'll have to listen to their podcast to hear the whole story.

But ultimately they talked to them that week and they encouraged them a little bit that week in Mexico but they didn't pressure them and they backed away and they went their separate ways right afterwards the couple contacted them and they ended up getting together and they took another step forward and then they got together again and they took another step forward so meeting somebody where they are, if you're that type of person, I commend Paige and Penn for doing that because that's what we like to do.

Meet somebody where they are and help them to understand that you don't have to be the way that somebody else is and you can take baby steps and there are people that are not going to want benefits first. There are plenty of people that just want to be friends first. And then if it leads to something, that's great. And you know what? Lifestyle friends, even if you don't play, are amazing. Because you still talk about some of the craziest, sexiest stuff, you know, and that you can't talk about with your vanilla friends. Right.

So, you know, there's nothing wrong with just having lifestyle friends without benefits although the benefits are really cool they are i'm such a hypocrite you are so the weight is worth the effort yes i mean but we do have friends that we have not played with and probably won't. No, and they are very, very precious friends. Yeah. So hopefully this will help understand and put into context this whole issue about being disappointed by expectation. And hopefully it's giving you a couple of tools or mind checks to put in place.

And I have to admit, ladies, you need to take the lead on this oh yeah yeah because sometimes us husbands especially when we get sharing pictures that's right you're a horned dog yeah we get out of hand and a blockhead you know and and you know how when you um like when i when i went out where was that i was going out to a conference last week and I didn't have a tie on. And you said, you need to have a tie on. And then ultimately it was like, well, I'm not going to be with you. So do wear what you want. You take some ownership.

When I'm going to be with you, you make sure that I'm in line, whether I'm acting accordingly or I'm dressed appropriately. So sometimes in these conversations, in these four-way conversations or these kick groups, ladies, you have permission to stop us guys and say, well, so the other, I always get permission from you before I send anybody a picture of you. And I say, is it okay if I put this picture on Cassidy?

Or is it okay if I send this person this picture and can I just say I don't remember saying yes but you did anyway and I guess that's all right well you had been drinking oh well see that's not fair and uh our good friends C and D had sent us a gift yes and we arranged you and said gift on the bed and I took several pictures of you and you looked at them and you said wow they turned out really good two of them turned out really good and you said you can post them and i said i can post them where and you said well you could post those anywhere i did i said okay i do not remember that well you said it at any rate at any rate sometimes ladies you need to slap us guys and say enough with the pictures.

You know, this is my body. Yeah. You know, it's my reputation out there too. So cool it a little bit and then we'll ham and haw and we'll complain a little bit and, and we'll be okay though. Yes. And that was my point when I, when earlier in the podcast, I said something about, you know, you don't, you can send sexy pictures, but it doesn't have to be your face. Yeah. You know, so, you know, stay as a team. Right. And make sure you're communicating so that you're setting the right, sending the right message so that you're not creating expectations on the other end. Yeah.

You know, you don't want to be a tease. Yeah.

And while I'm not to just pick on the picture of people but somebody who has just as many words can be just as intimidating yes like if there's somebody that gets in on every conversation and and takes over and says a lot or responds a lot that can be overwhelming as well yeah so you know not to to dwell on this but whatever the situation is whatever conversations you've had virtually whatever pictures that you've shared whatever words that you've shared whatever acts that you've promised to do to each other or suggested to do to each other when you meet you got to start and establish the friendship yeah kind of start over and then hope the benefits come along with that and they will they will if you handle it right i mean obviously you've all been communicating so there's some sort of connection there yeah so just you know respect each other and and start over and make sure that chemistry is there along with everything else that you've already experienced and you know another good thing about not being in this kick group is when we get to desire we'll be able to put all these names with faces oh i can't wait and we'll be able to say oh you're the screen name i've been waiting to meet you yeah i know so we are looking forward to meeting everybody oh yeah especially those who we haven't communicated with much in kick because we are a little bit averse to that.

Well, yeah. Don't take it the wrong way. The in-person part is the part that I'm looking forward to. Yeah, we'll make it up to you in the in-person part. Oh, definitely. Yeah. So, thank you for that. And when we come back, we are going to... Do you have a snapshot? I have, yeah. I promise to only do one. Only do one. Only one. Okay. We'll be right back with one snapshot each.

guitar solo welcome back to our snapshot segment and i think i'm gonna let mr jones go first oh goody gumdrops yeah yeah this is another thing that's never happened to me before in the lifestyle oh wow after like three or four years huh yeah we've had we've had a few people to our house for dinner and an evening yep and if the weather is nice a lot of times we will grill out and of course i'm the grow the grill master, so I do all the cooking on the grill. Yes. And normally, you get to stay in and flirt with the other couple while I'm outside cooking. That's right.

Or, even more typically, the guy will come out and keep me company. That's right.

You guys will have a bourbon outside or a beer outside, and the lady and I will just stay inside and chat and get all the side dishes ready yes however we just had some friends over this past month and I was at the grill by myself feeling sorry for myself because I knew you all were inside having sexy conversations and I heard the door open and the deck and I thought he was coming out and then I hear somebody come down the stairs and I look around and it's her yeah it's the female from the other couple and I said oh nice to have you here and she said is it okay if I come out and keep you company and I said of course it is so we ended up talking for about four or five seconds and the next thing I know we were making out in in front of the grill.

Oh, so was the meat burned that night? No. No, it wasn't. Good job, honey. It was perfect. Yeah. She came out just the right time. Yeah. But I thought, I mean, that was really fun. She came out. I mean, we do have a big backyard and we have lots of woods. So yeah, it's very private. None of our neighbors could see.

Yeah we had a make out we didn't even know she snuck out there i remember talking to her husband we were like where did she go and and uh he said i think she went out on the back deck and i said oh i think she went down to keep mr jones company so he and i might have been kissing in the kitchen too well good for you but this isn't your snapshot oh sorry no it was just a lot of fun i know yeah that is the first time i think a lady has come down to keep you company at the grill yeah really helped set the mood for the evening and yeah kind of broke into some flirty mode after that yeah they're good friends yeah she's just very playful and they're very easy to be with yeah they are very sexy yeah that's my snapshot yeah that was just the beginning of that night whoo i know okay my snapshot um recently we had the experience to play on a love swing oh yeah yes and i happened to be the one in the swing this time and you know what i realized i don't well maybe it's happened like one other time but i really don't remember the last time i was in a swing with other people other than you right right we like to put people in a swing well that's because we're the hosts yeah yeah so i ended up in the swing i think they strongly suggested that you get in the swing yeah i don't think there was much of an option no So I got in the swing, and it was amazing.

Like, and I'm not a big fan of being the center of attention, but I was the center of attention. Yeah. You looked like you were a fan of it. You should be now. Yeah, it was really, it was just fun to have. So what did they do? Well, yeah, yeah, there was a little bit of attention from everybody. Okay. Attention is not a sexy word. So, so you're in the sex swing and for a visual effect, um, you're, there's two straps. One goes under your ass and then one goes, um, behind your shoulders. Right.

And then there's two leg straps that you can put either under your knees or or around your ankles right you want to have you so you had them under your knees is that what i did i can't remember and you were just positioned at the height so that if a certain male or female were to get on their knees in front of you yeah it would be the perfect height with a very easy access to some oral sex oh yeah it was amazing yes and then somebody else could be behind you yes with their arms around you kissing your neck yeah and somebody else could be rubbing your belly and your boobs honestly is any of this coming back to you yeah it was it's kind of all a blur because i had three people paying attention to me at once i bet you there's something else you don't remember i remember oh you do remember i remember you having to run for a towel i had to go get it he said do i need to get a towel and i I was like, yes do remember.

I remember you having to run for a towel. I had to go get a towel. You said, do I need to get a towel? And I was like, yes. Yeah. Yeah, I had to get a towel. Yeah. So that our new carpet wouldn't get wet. Right. And it would have gotten wet. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. There was definitely some interesting stimulation going on there. And the gentleman that was servicing you so well said, you don't need a towel. It can just wash all over me. I think it's hot. I think his face did get a little bit wet. Yeah. He was grinning about it. Oh yeah.

That was a really, that was just, um, to be the center of attention like that.

I say I don't like it, but then when it happens, I'm like, oh my oh my gosh that was incredible and then we played and then we had some pie and then we played and had pie yeah yeah that was a good night it was a very good night yeah nice snapshot i know it we just we are blessed with amazing lifestyle friends friends first yes and amazing benefits and you These friends, it had been a really long time since we had played together but we have done so many other social events with them yes you know and they're some of the people that that literally carried us through our problems last spring when we were out i think we sufficiently paid them back last weekend I think I think the score is settled if I recall I think they might have had fun too if I recall yeah but I mean that these these friends are priceless yes they are and that's that's the beauty of friends with benefits and and that's why we like the friends first approach yeah so don't cheat yourself out of the friendship part and skip to the benefits.

Hope for the sex. Yeah. But I think you can expect the friendship if you work at it. Yes. Yeah. So next podcast, we are going to put out another podcast before we go to desire. So it's probably only going to be about three weeks before we put another episode out. Right. So expect episode 42 before November 11th. And we are going to be taking some recording equipment with us. Yes, we are. So our 80 couples that are traveling with us, you know, be prepared to share some snapshots or other sexy tidbits with us when you're there.

And if we have have our way there may be a six-way podcast oh it may be six-way podcast i thought you meant six-way something else well that too but we may have tna how about a six-way bedcast we may have tna and cnd don't tease me and mr and mrs jones behind the microphone don't tease me desire oh my gosh yeah so we're gonna have some fun at desire for sure but we are gonna give you something to listen to on your plane ride down and then we'll be recording while we're there yes and then when we get back we will be ready to announce whatever this ridiculously labor-intensive project is that we've been working on so diligently.

We are really excited about it. Yes, we are. And we think that you all will be too. We hope so. Yeah. So until then, if you'd like to contact us, you can email me at mrjones, M-R-J-O-N-E-S, at wegotathing.com. Or me at mrsjones, M-R-S-J-O-N-E-S, at wegotathing.com or me at mrsjones m-r-s-j-o-n-e-s at wegotathing.com and wegotathing is w-e-g-o-t-t-a-t-h-i-n-g.com is our website you can go there because we have a new blog post out mrs jones's recipes you can sign up for our newsletter and you can also book your desire trip or your desire cruise or your desire cruise. That's right.

You can follow us on Twitter at we got a thing and we seem to have picked up quite a few followers on Twitter lately. So feel free to follow us there. And guess what? We have a Cassidy community and our Cassidy community just went over 3,500 members. No way. Yeah. All right. So, and we've got a meet and greet coming up. We do. And we're using our Cassidy community to find people to invite to our local meet and greets. Yes. Yes.

So if you want to be sure you're included in our invitations to our local meet and greets, you either need to send me an email or you need to join our Cassidy community. Right. And we do have a link on our website to get some free time on Cassidy if you sign up through our link. That's true. Cassidy and SDC. Yes. Right. So thanks for listening. We are Mr. and Mrs. Jones and we got a thing. What's your thing? We'll be right back. I'll cut that part out You cut it out or you die Yeah Threatened my life