Episode 106: Navigating Cliques in the Lifestyle

Transcript

This podcast contains explicit language and content and is for mature audiences only. Hey you teenagers out there, if you're under 18, this show is more for your parents. So now that you have that mental picture stuck in your head, put some music on and get back to doing your homework. We are a long-time married couple who's decided to chronicle our personal adventures and share our sex-positive discussions as we navigate our way through the swinging lifestyle. Care to join us? Hello, everyone. I'm Mr. Jones.

And I'm mrs jones and we want to welcome you to episode 106 of the we got a thing podcast you didn't even know what number this was i did i looked at it like 30 seconds ago you're not very prepared i am too you better be on your like spontaneous game tonight I read through the whole i feel like i'm carrying the load here we had a lovely conversation at dinner about this we did about what i had a lovely conversation with somebody about what oh about the outline yeah yeah but you never looked at it yes i did no you kind of just talked about clicks oh when you walked into the kitchen to clean up i read the whole thing oh you were holding out on me yeah you were being my dishwasher yeah you're really good at that kind of stuff i know we're going to talk about clicks and the lifestyle yeah that's kind of like a buzzkill i know but we're going to break it down because we'll just wait until we get there.

I don't want to get on my soapbox already. No preaching tonight, Mr. Jones. Oh, no, there's going to be a lot of preaching tonight. I'm sorry. So we are, what's going on? So there's really not a lot to tell you all as far as announcements. I mean.

That you were out of town like half the time between now and the last time we like recorded well you're talking about keeping up with the joneses i'm talking about like our our november event is sold out there's a waiting list you know you heard this last month grand mitches is sold out but there's a waiting list um so that there's just the dc thing is sold out there's a lot of things coming up but we don't need to talk about that because they're sold out people are getting into the november week though i know if you get on the waiting list there's a good chance you're going to get in no i think they're just calling i really do i think they're just calling because people are getting notified oh okay yeah so if you want to go with us in november 11th to the 18th you can get on the waiting list by going through our website and trying to book that that week and then click get on the waiting list yeah we'd love to meet you but yeah i've been out of town and there's been a lot of family stuff going on well there's been a lot of fun stuff going on like we had a fun weekend but again that's keeping up with joneses i'm getting no no we're right we're right there there's nothing more to talk about we um every year we go away um with a group of my old co-workers and former co-workers they're not all old well no they're younger than us so but yeah every year we go away and we run a race in virginia beach and um really the race is just the excuse for us to all get together it was a fun time and hang out for the weekend and drink lots of beer and not just beer eat yummy food and yeah do the polar plunge and some of you idiots did the polar plunge like okay so it was like 77 degrees a couple days before we left to go to the beach and it's 80 degrees now and it's 80 degrees now but in between like the four days we were there it went from like 70 to 50 to 40 to like what was it at the start like 34 degrees at the start with a wind with a 20 mile an hour headwind yeah so so who cares about the race it happens every freaking year yeah i mean we did the 8k on saturday and the half marathon on sunday but then we came back to the house and you were dumb enough to do the polar it wasn't just me i didn't do it.

People thought they were going to talk me into it. And I'm like, hard no. Like, that is a hard limit. So we ran into the Atlantic Ocean. And it probably was like 50 some degree water temperature. And the rule was you had to get your head under. That was stupid. So I got my head under and I turned tail and came back. And we all hopped in the hot tub. Yeah, the house had a hot tub. It was a lovely house. It was really, it was an amazing house. But I think the hot tub temperature went from 100 to like 94 when all of us jumped in. You ice cubes got in. It was a lot of fun. It was a blast.

And we did get to see some lifestyle friends in the tent. Yeah, so this race has like a ridiculous Finnish festival afterwards. You get four beer tickets. Each. Each on your race bib. And they have live bands. It is just a very well put together race and a great celebration at the end. And of course, it's St. Patrick's Day weekend, so what would you expect? But we ran into a couple. Three couples. Yeah, yeah, right. We ran into a guy that we had never met before. In our community. Yeah, that was in our community. That was running a marathon. Yes.

And then we ran into a couple that we've known for years and kind of lost touch with and actually we saw her last year and said we were going to get together and we never did so now we actually have a date like i think it's this coming weekend right no next weekend yeah two weeks from now uh we're going to get together with them and then we ran into a unicorn our old unicorn our old well she's not old no she's still she's still very sexy and very well put together yeah she moved out of the area but she came back for the race yeah we got to see her so even though it was a vanilla weekend we we did have some lifestyle friends show up yeah it was pretty fun we are gonna go to florida next weekend i know big announcement here our house is actually under construction do people even know about this house i don't know so we're so we're building our like air quote forever home our retirement home in florida and um this has been we're doing what we said we would never do because like my Seinfeld episode says that's where people go to die.

I know. And like your grandparents retired to Florida, my grandparents retired to Florida. And we, we said when we were younger, we're never going to like do that. Like I totally get it now. We're still staying in like Northwest Florida. So they're still going to be seasonal. There's just not going to be. I don't want any snow or ice or sleet or anything. You know, I don't care if it gets down to freezing a couple nights a year. See, Mother Nature tried to lull us into a false sense of security. And I think I can say this now because we're like, this is like the last week of March.

So I think we're safe. Right. But we had zero snow this year.

I't think we're gonna see snow anymore i know i know so you know i think she's kind of like ha ha like you don't need to move away if you don't want snow well we're not just wait for climate change we're not gonna move permanently at first no we're gonna split our time for the first year at least yeah so but yes they broke ground on our house we this has been a year and a half in the making um well actually we started thinking about it two years ago and we we got on the list about 18 months ago and and finally got a lot assigned to us and we gave them a lot of money like eight months ago and here here we are still waiting, but we have a slab now.

I said I never thought I'd be so excited to see like a picture of a bunch of cement. So we're going to go down there and look at our cement. Yeah, we are. There might be a little bit of framing done. Well, yeah, but we're also going to go scout out the breweries and bars and restaurants. Yes, we are. Get the vibe of the neighborhood and everything else. We've got to find our spots. Yes. Yes. So we've rented a car and we're going to make our way around and I'm pretty excited. It's going to be fun. Yeah. Stay tuned. Yeah. So we actually have bought some new podcast equipment that's more mobile.

Yeah. Yeah. Because we figured if we're going to be splitting our time between virginia and florida like we can't be taking this behemoth soundboard and that god-awful microphone stand you have so when we talk about retiring we're not retiring from podcasting and we're not retiring from the lifestyle we're actually not even retiring from our jobs supposedly supposedly we're cutting. I haven't seen evidence of that yet. Hey, I've cut back. I've ditched like three clients this year. I know, but you're still working full time. Well, you're just not working more than full time.

I'm not working overtime. Right. Yeah. I actually been getting out and going for a walk almost every day. Yeah. It's been nice. So for those of you down in Florida, buckle up. We're coming your way i know troubles are coming i'm not sure how many months a year we're going to spend down there for the next couple years but i'm afraid we're going to get down there we're going to be like oh yeah we don't want to go back fine that's fine that's a possibility yeah it's gonna be great well it opens up a whole new part of the country for us. Because where we're going to be to the west is New Orleans.

That's not too far. And even Houston is really not a stretch. You were so cute one night. Like, I don't even know what you were, like, if you were on your computer or whatever. But you were like, look at this. It's only like eight hours to Nashville. And it's like five hours to New Orleans. And it's like four hours to Atlanta. And, you know, like. In Orlando. I don't, you started seeing it as a new hub and, and it's actually kind of endearing. Like you've lived here your whole life. Yeah. Like you've moved like 30 minutes from you where you grew up. That's the furthest you have like migrated.

Yeah.

So this is going to be huge for you well according to you i mean i'm a military brat i moved around a lot when i was younger um i don't think it's that big of a deal i i just think i i guess i'm excited for you i don't know okay well good i'm excited enough for both of us yeah we're gonna get down there while we're still young enough to have a social life down there yes it's gonna be good all right yeah well we're gonna take a quick break and we come back i'm gonna get on my soapbox and we're gonna talk about allegedly clicks in the lifestyle that's right we'll bust the myth yeah be right back all right well welcome back to segment two we're going to be navigating some clicks in the lifestyle evidently and you know these are not like just in the lifestyle there's clicks everywhere i know but it seems to come up all the time and it it i think clicks is an abused word it is um and it's because of just like i was talking about a few minutes ago when i was talking about becoming conditioned to like delays with our home renovations you know i i was like beaten into submission and i and i think like everybody should just be able to go into a coma from like sixth to eighth grade like middle school is the worst because i think that's the first time you really experience clicks yeah and and you know like 12 to 14 year old humans do not have the social skills to like soften the blow of clicks like they relish being part of the in crowd and and have no sympathy for people that aren't in with them right so that i'm that's to me in my mind that's where clicks come from i know but you're getting ahead that that's in that that's on page two bullshit that's too bad so i think that's why when people get in the lifestyle they're so afraid of encountering clicks and sometimes i think you kind of like can make it up in your head am i on page three now yeah before you get there though the idea of this is the bad thing about it is it's misperception for the most part and then secondly it happens a lot to newbies and what it does is it drives them away or they lose interest because there's a perception that everybody in the lifestyle is cliquish right so that's why we're talking about this tonight um and and we and it's raised its ugly head um lately for a few people that we know and we felt like that we needed we've we've talked about misperceptions in the lifestyle and misunderstandings and assumptions but we've really never dug into quote-unquote cliques right so that's why we're talking about this tonight and i think a lot of other people when they talk about this other podcasts and content producers talk about it's just almost like a given that when somebody says it's a click it's a click and then it's a negative thing and people get angry about it and people respond to that to that like somebody is to blame like the people that are in the circle are to blame for the for me feeling the way that i am and it's a little bit deeper than that right but but like i was saying earlier like we we've been conditioned to have these triggers because we all had to survive being young and feeling excluded and not part of the in crowd.

So the minute you see like a wall of shoulders in front of you, you assume those shoulders have banded together against you. Yeah. Okay. So here's what the official definition of a clique is according to the dictionary. A small group of people with shared interest or other features in common. So far, so good, right? Yeah. Who spend time together. Okay. That's cool. Here's the bolded part. And do not readily allow others to join them. So you're not readily allow other people to join them.

So we're going gonna put a pin in that and come back to that later but that's that's the definition of a click is that they're not allowing others to join them right okay right um here's you want to hear my my um definition of what people think a click is you should say yes right now because i'm oh of course honey yeah okay a lot of people believe that somebody isn't i'm intentionally being ignored because of some reason that concerns or has something to do with me so in other words you're ignoring me for some reason that has to do with me even though you haven't met me yeah exactly right okay either i'm not pretty enough or i'm not i think you're pretty my personality is not where it should be so there's this perception that there's something about me that's causing you not to open your circle that's what i think that a lot of people perceive when they think about clicks yeah which is kind of a selfish and judgmental way to think about it and and i mean that in a very human way i mean because we're all wired we we want to be loved we want to be accepted you know all of this we want to be the cool kids we do yeah and when we feel like that we're not then it's a little bit of a selfish, I think it's really selfish to just jump to the conclusion that those people are cliquish because they won't let me in when you haven't even approached them.

No, but that is the typical normal human response. It is. Okay. So before everyone starts hanging up the phone or turning off the podcast or whatever. the phone, dude, like cutting us off, fast forwarding, whatever we're going to talk about. Let's talk about the environment. OK, the lifestyle environment itself. You wanted to talk about middle school. So it's very, very similar. So first of all, you're coming into an environment no matter what it is. It could be a date.

It could be an it is it could be a date it could be an event it could be a club whatever it could be desire it's a very social environment yeah people are going to be socializing yeah that's why we are there yeah okay for experts that's cool experts for extroverts that's cool yeah and it and it can be sexually charged right that's why we're in this it's a sexually charged environment that's what brings us together so that just adds another layer to it um it's full of goal-oriented people so people want to meet other people right that's why we're there that's why we're there right and there's also a limited time and there's limited opportunity especially if it's a house party or if it's a club and you get one night out a week a month or especially if you traveled you know you and i do most of our engaging with other people by traveling right so you got the weekend that's all you got and you've spent that time and you spent the money yeah and you've got and now that's on top of you that it's a very limited amount of time and for people who are relatively new to this it's unfamiliar territory oh yeah we don't we've never navigated anything like this before or we don't often navigate something like this.

Right. So this is part of the environment, which guess what causes it to be high anxiety. Yeah. Because of all of that. And then we think that in this environment, people seemingly know each other. Right.

Everywhere we look around in this environment, our perception is that everybody knows everybody else right except for us so this is the environment that you're walking into number one so it's already wrought with landmines here yeah when we walk in the door okay now we're going to talk about the couple okay the couple you you come into this environment so so we're talking about ourselves we're talking about ourselves right so we're we're either new or we we're relatively new to this okay well wait because i still struggle with this and i am not new or relatively new right i know i'm just it's going with a typical issue with um clicks i'm I'm just saying I fit in with all the newbies still.

Right. I know. I'm just going with a typical issue with clicks. I'm just saying I fit in with all the newbies still. Yeah. Well, it's relatively new and every situation is new. Well, that's true. And here's where 20 minutes ago you were trying to jump ahead of me. And in a minute, we're going to share some of the comments that some of our community made when we put this topic out for people to talk about in our community and share their thoughts on. And I kept seeing this term over and over again. And that was, it's like high school. It's like I'm back in high school.

It's like I'm back in middle school, like you were just saying.

And so we immediately go back to this insecure want to be popular not as cool as the cool kids um people are that you know the clothes that i'm wearing am i going to be am i going to fit in am i going to make friends because we don't normally put ourselves in an environment like this during regular life right and all of a sudden we're back in high school right so right so we're new to this we're back in high school we don't know what to expect right we don't even know this environment a lot so we don't know what to expect yeah we want to be popular we want to be desired and we're not very confident about what we're doing because we've not done this before right you know it's so funny because and it doesn't even matter like how old you are what you do for a living like you know we all end up in this same boat oh age has nothing to do with it right right but i mean even like people that are in professions where they're they're constantly like glad handing people and this and that they can get put into you know the middle of a club or an event and they and they just kind of don't know what to do that's a good point but that's their job you know that's a living that's something that they do eight hours a day they're you know you you can be somebody else because that's your career that's who you're trying to be you're trying to be successful build a career make money but then you come home and then there's your real life yeah this is something where you're there with your partner who you've been with for 5 10 20 30 40 years this is serious stuff this is not my job right this is not something i'm trying to do just to make a living Well, you know, and also like with your job, like if, if you, if you are like really comfortable in your work environment, you probably have like this, this positive reputation of being a successful business person or whatever person, medical professional attorney, whatever, you know, not, you have no reputation at this lifestyle club or this lifestyle event.

That's a good point. And, and you are very confident in those other aspects of your life, but you're not confident here. Right. Cause you're a fish out of water. That's exactly right. Just like the rest of us. And to boot, most people say they're introverted. Yeah.

So you add that to the mixed and then there are high it's it's a very emotionally charged and environment and there's hormones at play because it's the weekend you've had a little bit to drink there's people in sexy clothes yeah you're with your partner who's dressed sexy you're expecting there to be some sort of a stimulation you know external stimuli when you walk in here so again i'm just like in the petri dish of the lifestyle i'm describing the elements and the ingredients here so that we when we get to this point about talking about clicks it's not that it's put into its proper context okay so we've talked about the environment we've talked about the people now the result of all of that is that i remember when you and i went to our very first meet and greet up in northern virginia and it was huge and basically we stood in the corner we failed epically we stood in the corner it was and not only did we fail we got mad at each other i know like we we've like argued in the car all the way home i know and we lived a long way away i know well we're gonna see that that's bullet number five but but the point i'm trying to make is that we stood in the corner and i remember the feeling that i had was like okay we're like middle-aged successful attractive couple we should be able to just waltz into the room and the like the music stops and that's the talking stops who are those people i want to meet them and then everybody looks our way and then one and then they start migrating over to us and they're going oh my goodness who are you all you're so intelligent and so funny and so attractive we all want to meet you and what really happened mr jones well i didn't quite suck my thumb when i was standing in the corner but we kept pushing each other like i i thought at that point in time well my wife is the most beautiful woman in here so i'll just let you stand there and be pretty and i won't have to do anything in the meantime you're elbowing me like what are we going to do we can't just stand here like we look like idiots we look like idiots i think i actually said that we look like idiots standing here in the corner that's right and you know what people think when they look over at us and they see us thinking that we look like idiots they're like we even if they do look our way right if they even notice us well Oh, no, they were probably like, uh, newbies.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, that was a night. Yeah. And so.

away right they even notice us well no they're probably like uh newbies yeah yeah oh man that was a night yeah and so we didn't approach anyone or any group no uh there was one couple there that well we knew we knew one yeah we knew and we were trying like heck to find them yeah because that was like our security blanket right but we didn't really attempt to talk to anyone right and we left there mad at each other because oh wait there was one guy that you had corresponded with ahead of time and we were supposed to find he and his wife and we did and he hadn't even told his wife about us and she was just just like, who the hell are these people?

Oh, yeah, nice to meet you. Well, and that's my, again, I put my eggs in that basket. I thought, okay, we're going to know this couple. And then we get there. They don't even recognize us. And then when we talked to him, he said, oh, yeah, that's right. You did send me a message. I'm like, what do you mean? Right, and you guys corresponded a lot.

I know, but he hadn't even told his wife no so that was just she blew us off she was clearly not the least bit interested right so we didn't approach anyone and and there's hurt feelings because we're standing in there as a couple you know nobody's paying attention to us what is this lifestyle shit why are we doing this yeah we right now. Well, we start questioning our motives. That's exactly right. Why did we drive all the way up here? I thought this was supposed to be all of that and nobody's paying any attention to us. And so then we get upset and we start blaming each other.

This is where the ride home comes in. Oh, that was awful. Because you're mad at me because you kept saying, well, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? And I said, I don't know. We need to think of something.

When And you, you wanted me at me because you kept saying well what are we going to do what are we going to do and i said i don't know we we need to think of something when you you wanted me well you you do something you know you're you're the guy or you take control of it and that no but you're the pretty woman you're the one that's supposed to be attracting all of us so so there's this we're upset and we're blaming each other and then on the the way home, like we probably, if you would have asked this then, we were, we were ready to get out. This is not worth it.

We don't want to do this again. This is not anything like we thought. These people are crazy. You know, they, they don't know what they're missing. They would, nobody would talk to us. Um, and then you could possibly, and a lot of people do this. They lose interest in the lifestyle because of this perception. Well, especially when you don't have the opportunity to get out very often. You know, if you know it's going to be a couple months before you're going to be able to do anything else and you have a bad experience, you know, the adrenaline rush kind of like wears off, I guess. Yeah, right.

Yeah, We have this idea that we're going to walk again, like we're going to walk into a room. People are going to notice us. People are going to invite us over. They're going to slap us on the back, give us hugs, introduce themselves. That's in our minds. That's what's going to happen. And then that doesn't necessarily hope that's for sure. Right. Okay. So we talked about the environment.

We talked about the couple and then we talked about the results and and that what we were sharing with you is real life stories this is we've got to turn this around or people are gonna like hit pause okay well this is where i'm gonna get on my soapbox a little bit so we have this perception right that people are cliquish we have this perception that they're in circles and they're closed off. We have this perception. They're not attracted to us. They're not interested in us. They don't want to talk to us.

Um, my goodness, if, you know, if they were decent human beings, they would at least come over here and introduce themselves. Right. So we have this, we have this feeling that, and it's because, and we have, and we think that it's because of something either because of how we look or, you know, we take it personally. Right. Well, let me throw out some other possible scenarios that could be going on that we don't think about when we're in a situation. Right, and that probably are going on. Exactly. That's what I'm getting. Good, good. Oh, I'm paying attention. You're tracking with me.

This is where I want to bring up the whole definition again about, remember that piece about that do not readily allow others to join them. Okay. So keep this in mind. That's our perception. As if it's intentional. Exactly. All right.

It's very possible that the people that you're looking at talking to each other are friends and they know each other and they're just catching up with each other yeah that's very possible yeah because that's what we do right that's what we do in the lifestyle now that we've we're established and we have friends just like any other party you go to you talk to your friends right especially when you haven't seen them in months and months right and i'm there'm there to talk to my friends. I'm not there intentionally to ignore somebody. I just see my friends and we're going to talk.

It's possible that they are not friends and they're just getting to know each other. So in other words, it's very possible that the couple that they're talking to just walked up and introduced themselves like we should have done. Right. But we don't know that because in the lifestyle, you look at other people and everybody What do you think?

couple that they're talking to just walked up and introduced themselves like we should have done right but we don't know that because in the lifestyle you look at other people and everybody's friendly everybody's social and we have this perception that they all know each other or that they've known each other for years it's possible that they could have just met right five minutes ago and you know like it i guess and you can't say as a blanket statement, but I think a lot of people in the lifestyle are really interested in getting to know other people. Yes.

So when you observe a conversation from afar, you know, it's, the people are engaged, I guess is what I'm saying. It's not like you're at a cocktail hour at your, you know, company gala or whatever. And you're just like dying and just trying to make small talks so that you can like check the box and move on to the next person. Like I think it's a very different vibe when you're talking to other lifestyle people. So the perception is that, oh, they must be like, you know, good friends or whatever when they just met 45 seconds ago. Exactly, it's very possible.

It's also possible that, you know what? If we walked up and introduced ourselves, they'd probably welcome us and probably wanna talk to us. Yeah. That's a possibility. Or they, or some of them may even seek you out later.

And we do this a lot because we're talking with people and i notice other people but i'm in the middle of a conversation and i can't be rude and say i don't really want to talk to you anymore i'm going to go over because there's people over here that are new and i'm going to go talk to them right you know so i'm it's it's possible that people are noticing you and at some point in that evening they're going to come seek you out and and introduce themselves but just not at that very instant exactly Thank you guys before.

We've corresponded online we've changed we've exchanged sexy pictures the playroom is open you know oh wait a minute i saw a new couple come in i know we want to go introduce that yeah yeah hold that so that's not gonna happen you're gonna seal the deal no it's a lifestyle event so it's very possible that they're having a conversation that's going to lead to play later and the last thing that i would want to do as an outsider is interrupt that conversation right you know so because that's just going to be awkward on every level yeah you know but but when you walk up i guess you don't know what people are talking about but but that could be it right um now let's talk about that's that that's them let's talk about you okay um here's a possible scenario you know what you're an introvert and you struggle to be proactive yeah and and people need to acknowledge that and it's a struggle that doesn't mean it's impossible to do, but it's a challenge for you.

And if you're introverted, you have to set a goal for yourself to say, I'm going to step out of my comfort zone. It's also possible, and this is what I'm guilty of, but it's possible that you might be overthinking things a bit. I'm standing in the corner and I'm thinking, oh, they don't want to talk to me.

to me why don't they want to talk to me oh it's because I'm this or because I'm wearing that you know like one thing I do I do this at desire a lot at the pool like there'll be a circle of people like maybe four or six people and you know I'll I'll be like at my chair and I'll have my, and I'm going to go to the bar and get a drink. But this group of people is kind of on the way and I kind of want to talk to them. So you just kind of walk up and you just kind of stand there. And you kind of wait for them to open the circle for you.

And sometimes they don't even notice, especially me, like I'm short. So, you know, and in the pool, you know, you're in up to your chest in water. So sometimes I just assume that, you know, they're in an involved conversation and I'm kind of interrupting. But if you just have the patience to stand there, somebody's gonna notice you. And, you know, like at Desire at the pool, the pool's big enough where there's space for them to kind of back up and open the circle for you.

But if you're in a club and it's crowded, sometimes it's really hard for people to do that physical movement of opening up and allowing you into their circle. So you have to consider that. It might just be like a logistical issue.

Well, and that's where the whole standing in the corner comes into play because proximity to the people has a lot to do with it if i'm 15 feet away standing in a corner in the dark no one's gonna break the circle and come right but if i'm one to two feet away standing behind them people are going to look over their shoulder and they're going to notice you right and and you don't even have to say anything a lot of times They notice you, and they say, oh. And they'll turn to the side and open the circle and introduce themselves.

Or it's an opportunity when they turn and look over their shoulder that you can say, oh, hey, sorry to interrupt. Just want to introduce myself. Right, right. So it's proximity to the group also.

Because if we stay far away, the further you are away from somebody, the less likely they're going to notice you right right and and if you kind of this is going to sound creepy i don't know you might have to like call me out on this but like if you kind of get close to them then you can kind of hear what they're talking about and if they are talking about like sealing a deal and going to a playroom or back to a hotel room then you can say oh well let's just go to the bar you're you're engaging in the conversation even though you're not talking you're engaging in the conversation because you're listening and then you're ready to jump in with something relevant to what other people are talking about that's not creepy right no okay it's a it's a way of engaging because that's a strategy of mine you know i kind of listen to what the conversation's about to see if i would have anything to contribute when the opportunity presented itself right exactly um another possible scenario for you is that you could be expecting your partner to take control and this goes back to what you and i thought about why are you looking at me well because that's what you were doing you were like elbowing me me.

You need to get out there. Another possible. Okay, but wait. So the second time we went to Desire, do you remember the couple that was stalking us? And it was always the lady that was like large and in charge. And she would be out in front like she was like scouting, you know, and looking for people and her poor husband was always lagging behind her. And, and I, I found that very off putting and it was just, it was her personality. It wasn't that she was the one that was like interested in finding somebody, but, but I think that might've scarred me a little bit.

Like, I don't ever want to be that lady that is like i'm on the hunt and you're just like tagging along behind me trying to keep up right so you're my hunter sorry and you're a foot taller than me so we're in a big event like you have the vantage point where you can like kind of see the crowd better well okay we'll talk about that just a minute because the one last point i wanted to make here is that it's it's an over you could be overwhelmed as an individual and when and when we're overwhelmed we don't behave normally right yeah but but to your point though and i think we're a little bit different because we have now like compared to that first meet and greet that we just described when we had no podcast nobody knew who we were yeah now we have an advantage because normally when we go somewhere people know who we are yeah most of the time and so the circle either opens for us or, or people come and, and sometimes approach us, but, but we, there is an advantage to microphones in your basement.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. But, but I, but that's, but that, that's not everybody's situation. And we've been, we've been in both sides of it. We were horrible at this and, and not only along with you being upset with me and me being upset with you, but we came home with a chip on our shoulder because those Peace out.

at this and and not only along with you being upset with me and me being upset with you but we came home with a chip on our shoulder because those people yeah those people were cliquish yeah now looking back they weren't cliquish having a good time that's the point that i'm trying to make the people that complain about cliques there's so much more going on in that conversation with those people and in your mind and in your relationship that your perception is that they don't want to have anything to do with you and they don't even know you're in the room because you're standing in the corner.

That's the point of the whole thing.

So anyway, what I thought we would do okay is um we put this question out in our community about clicks and it got a lot of traction i mean we had 30 or 40 people comment on this we don't have time to read them all but i but i pulled a few out because we want you all to hear that this is a very common issue that people have to deal with in the lifestyle yes so do you want to take the first one sure okay okay the first comment starts out though i'm better about initiating now that behavior has followed me throughout my life i have experienced clicks from the outside not sensing being part of some group but there have been some groups that have been very welcoming, which has enabled me to ease in.

Once I feel at ease, I become much more talkative and confident in expressing my thoughts. Most lifestyle experiences we've been in have been welcoming. There has typically been at least one couple we've at minimum chatted with regularly during the experience or event.

We felt some clickishness in some settings but we're not sure if that was actually the case or if we project a don't talk to us vibe struggling with body image concerns i think we want to avoid rejection so we're hesitant to engage unless someone or a couple engages us first i mean Doesn't that say it all yes that that says it all like we have felt some we felt cliquishness right but we're not sure if that was actually the case or if we projected a resting bitch face don't come talk to us because we're fighting with each other because we can't decide who's going to go talk to other people oh yeah can you imagine i wish somebody would have taken a picture of us that night no that would have been i would have been pretty bad yeah all right i'll take the next one i am fairly introverted so i struggle in large groups settings because i just don't feel comfortable inserting myself when a group is already talking i very much fall into the second category of someone who would stand at the edge and hope to be invited in.

I really appreciate it when someone actively draws me into a conversation even by doing something as simple as taking a step back to expand the circle. That said, the couple of lifestyle events I've been to, both we got a thing and elsewhere as well as our trip to desire when i have pushed out of my comfort zone and started talking to people or joined a group discussion in progress i have never been made to feel like i am intruding right because you get up the nerve to take that first step right and then all of a sudden, you're just part of the conversation. Right, exactly. So I like that.

I appreciate it when someone draws me in. And sometimes it just might be that it only takes one couple, but if there is one couple who's observant and they're going to stop the conversation and invite you in that's really helpful yeah it doesn't happen all the time but in a lot of cases like this person said that's that's what they hope for well but you have to get close enough you know you can't stay in the corner you have you have to get close right right so that you. Well, then that's what this person says. When I have pushed out of my comfort zone. So that takes a force from within you.

This is not an invitation from somebody else. So that's why we're trying to say is that it takes that desire to step outside of yourself and take that risk. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Here is a public service announcement on behalf of all wallflowers. I like this one. I felt like I've been an outsider my whole life when it comes to new social settings. Then I learned a mental trick that's made all the difference. Hope I don't lose my introvert card for giving away my trade secrets, but here's what I do in those large group environments.

I imagine that the host has just had to step out for a minute and ask me to take over hosting duties to make sure everyone feels welcome. This does two things. It gets me out of my head to focus my attention on others' enjoyment. And it turns off that horrid little voice in my head that says, don't bother them. Now I have to bother them. It's my job. Hope that helps someone else as much as it's helped me. Right.

You know, that's where you and I have the advantage yes because we're a lot of the time we're the hosts right so we have to meet everybody and we have to make sure that they feel welcome and that they're comfortable and that oh have you met so and so and like we've become really good at that right you know so while we're welcoming them you know we're also getting to know them and then we're helping them connect with other people, you know, and luckily when, when we go to events now, we kind of know who, who has that more, you know, warm, open kind of mindset about them.

So we can kind of always take newbies and point them in the right direction where we know a couple will easily take them in. I mean, this is a little bit of a stretch, but I like when this person says, it's my job. Like if you think of a corporate event, and I've been to several, the most confident people are the ones that are there setting up tables that they have a job to do. They're setting up tables. They're carrying drinks around. They're serving the bar.

They're serving hors d'oeuvres they're you know they are they are there for a purpose and so if you assume that you're the host and it's your job to do that it it like allows you to come outside of yourself and become like an actor you know and and be somebody else and and we have a role to play yeah you have a role to play yeah exactly i like that and uh that's it you're not going to and be somebody else. And, and we have a role to play. Yeah. You have a role to play. Yeah, exactly. I like that. And, uh, that's it. You're not going to lose your introvert card on that one.

And thanks for sharing trade secrets. Okay. Here's the next one. I'm the kind of a person who will go into a group and introduce myself.

If the vibe from that group seems unwelcoming i move on to the next group and so on until i find my tribe so in other words like that's the whole message like why can't like that sounds so easy but the point is that let's go back to the fail that you and i had we're standing in the corner looking at this group talking it's very possible that we would have not had connected with anybody in that group anyway right so what he's saying is that you know i'm i just move on to the next group until i find my tribe and this is somebody who's not an introvert but they recognize okay there's nobody in that group now what he didn't do is sons of bitches, they didn't want to talk to me.

What's wrong with them? They didn't get angry about it. You're not going to connect with everybody. So take that as an indicator that that's not the type of people you want to be with. They probably just saved you 15 or 20 minutes of your evening.

So I love the way that they look at this because you're not going to vibe with everybody anyway okay you want to take the last one okay we've only come across one group in the lifestyle that i would describe as a click and that is mainly because i felt blown off when i tried to start conversations with members of that group ultimately however we just decided that the group wasn't the right fit for us. So maybe they were doing us a favor.

And frankly, they didn't owe me or us anything, which brings me to a point about clicks, which is that it is a personal perception that a group is being intentionally rude and exclusionary, but not everyone is going to want to hang out with everyone else. That's just reality. So I guess my point is that you're not going to fit in everywhere and with everyone. And it's best if you just focus on finding friends who you do fit in with. So basically everyone reading this has permission to blow me off politely if they want. Bravo.

I mean, that attitude that we all need to have i know right i know so not only do we need to step out of our comfort zone but when it's not our thing or not our group we don't have to get butthurt about it right we just say thank goodness i didn't spend any more time with them right i mean it's just like it's just like when you're in a play situation you know you you're you're not going to know until you're there and then and then all of a sudden you're going to realize these are not our people right you know and it's best to find out and and get a little butt hurt in the in the you know main area of the club instead of back in a playroom where you're locked in a room with people and you're like, oh shit, maybe this wasn't a good idea.

So you've got to find that tribe that you fit in with and that you connect with.

And even within that tribe, then you've got to do another filter and find people that you're truly connecting yeah now the but the bottom line is that you know most people should be polite enough to have at least a conversation with you right here's the i think here's the what is this is aesop's fables here's the moral of the story we're in a high school for the most part we're in a very vulnerable high school frame of mind yeah the lifestyle is an adult world yes it's an adult activity yes we have to be adults about it but it's so easy for us to slip back into this middle school high school mentality i'm thinking of the whole adolescent chair and adult chair exactly like here exactly you just really want to jump back into that adolescent chair because that's the familiar exactly that's exactly right so anyway got to put on your big girl panties sometimes i know know.

I know. I mean, it takes a while to learn that. And I think my hope is that people realize that before they give up. Yeah. And some people may even use clicks and other excuses as a reason to not want to challenge themselves and to not want to push themselves out of their comfort zone. And I think some people actually feel relieved. Oh, they're clicks. This is not for us. So, you know, let's settle back down. This was really not a good idea.

Even though we talked about this for months, let's go home and go back to bingo and PTA and everything else that we used to do that we're trying to get you know it's much more easy to go back to your comfort zone than it is to work through all of this well you know what i just you know i'm going back to this whole it's you know if i have a job then i'm more comfortable thing um you know one of the things that you did at the at the beginning is when there would be a neon night you would buy the the uh yeah the little the glow sticks that's right and make necklaces for everybody but i didn't do that intentionally that was a mistake but i learned from it i mean i didn't that's not why i did it but i realized i got these glow sticks and i was passing them out and then all of a sudden these ladies were coming up me.

Right. And you got to meet all kinds of beautiful ladies because you were making the necklaces. I had a job. You had a job. Right. That's kind of my point. You know, I used to be afraid to fly. And you and I always sit in the exit rows now and we can get them. And you sit in the exit row, I think, because you like the leg room. But like, I need a job.

Like in a crisis, like if something happened, I would want to be in the exit row i think because you like the leg room but like i need a job like in a crisis like if something happened i would want to be in the exit row because i would have a job to do and and that and that job kind of like it it kind of tamps down the fear because you're focused on something else so like when you when you have a job and you feel like you have to like welcome people or, or tell people where the coat check is or, you know, or I don't know, like tokens for the bar.

If they're doing tokens at night, you know, then, then you feel like you have a purpose and it, and it forces you to talk to people. So I actually, the more I think about it, the more I think how brilliant that is. Yeah. At least for me, like my personality. So we need to give people jobs.

Yes jobs yes yeah well and you know one of the things that we do at our events is we have small group we have we break out in tables and we have table leaders and yeah we do event hosts and yeah yeah so that and that gives people a job they don't have to meet people they have to say here this is who i am this is my responsibility and it takes all the pressure off of them because they're not meeting them socially but they're still getting a chance to meet people. They have to say here, this is who I am. And this is my responsibility.

And it takes all the pressure off of them because they're not meeting them socially, but they're still getting a chance to interact with them. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. To wrap this up, um, just think here's a few things I was thinking about.

Most everyone, including us, as we've talked about tonight has we we've been on the inside of a perceived click oh yeah you know and if you've ever been to a vent and you've and you're standing there talking to another couple there's other people around you that are thinking that you're a click yeah for sure and and the longer you're in the lifestyle the more that's going to happen because you're going to run into people you know and as soon as you like you know right circle the wagons and right you're just catching up but if you think about this though what i'm saying here is that if in order to eliminate that perception we would all have to be standing as individuals in the room oh good point yeah that's not going to happen right that's not why we go what would I don't know.

we would all have to be standing as individuals in the room oh good point yeah that's not gonna happen right what would you do if you paid money if you took if you got in an airplane spent all this money went to an event and you walked in and there's couples standing around talking to each other but they're not talking to anyone else yeah you would go what the fuck is going on here what is this nonsense let's head out and go to dinner so the very the very environment that we perceive as cliquish is what we want to see we want to see that socializing okay also most everyone has been on the outside of a perceived click definitely we talked about that a lot tonight so we can we can relate to that most this is my opinion most clicks are not really clicks it's just a perception that it's a click especially in the lifestyle right like we're there to meet people maybe not at that exact moment in time right maybe it's just bad timing that doesn't mean i don't think you're hot right right you know we've talked to people before and i've and i've seen somebody go by and i'm like trying to rush the conversation so that i don't lose those people because i want to go meet them because right you know there's somebody that i've i've recognized and i've wanted to meet or they're just plain flat hot and they walk by and i'm like oh whoa i need to meet them i mean we've had people come up to us at events um literally two couples walking hand in hand into the playroom and they see us and they're going oh sorry we wish we would have seen you earlier but we got plans we're gonna go play you know and i'm like have at it thumbs up you're not gonna hurt my feelings uh so yeah most most clicks are not clicks mostly it's our perception um most clusters of people will welcome you in yeah i don't know and and again we're a little bit different because most people know us but i i would say based on the feedback that we've got in our experience in the lifestyle is the number of times that that i've gone up to a group and introduced myself, I don't think I've ever had anyone say, we don't want to get to know you.

Now you may pick up a vibe that they turn and then they say something to you and then they turn away. You know, so there are going to be times when you don't fit in, but for the most part, I think people want to welcome you into the conversation definitely and and i do that now a lot more in normal social settings you know i'll interject myself into a conversation when we're out to dinner at a restaurant or like you and i do that a lot on like cruise ships, right?

We just start talking to people and you just kind of have to like, again, it sounds weird that I'm eavesdropping, but, but you just kind of pay attention and you, and you wait for the right moment to like contribute to the conversation. Well, and I think we talked about this before and it, and it fits with what you're saying, you know, on the cruise ship, when you get a table for two, there's another table for two, like two feet away from you. And you have to actually try not to listen to other people's conversations.

So as you're eating and you're listening, it's very easy just to turn your head and say, oh yeah, we went there today too, when we were off on the ship and it, yeah, yeah, so proximity has a lot to do with it. If they don't make you feel welcome, they probably aren't your type. Right, so move along. Move along, say thank you. Yeah, and just try to find somebody that is going to be your type, because that's why we're there, to make connections, to explore how far those connections could go.

And people people think a lot of people think type has something to do with only physical attraction but it's not just physical attraction so if you're attracted to somebody and then they don't want to give you the time of day you don't want to be with them right you want to move along there's somebody for everybody we have learned that in the lifestyle so so move along uh and here's probably the hardest part challenge yourself if you're inside or outside what i mean by that if you're inside a group and i and i try to do this it's hard to do because when i see another couple walk by and i notice them or if i see a couple in the corner I don't know.

I don because nobody's talking to them yeah but i don't want to disengage from the conversation i'm in because that would be rude you know so i think i think if you're inside the circle challenge yourself to every once in a while just look around that's right yeah look around what do you see you know do you see other people that may you may want to introduce or yeah and the same thing if you're outside the circle and this is even harder but you know getting up the nerve to just go stand behind someone's shoulder until they invite you in or or just break in and introduce yourself yep i mean what's the worst that can happen you have like an you know awkward 15 seconds and then you just move along right well if you don't do anything you're going to end up arguing on the way home.

Yeah, you are. 45 minutes. That was a long drive. Yeah. I don't know. I felt kind of, I felt that this was kind of a personal thing because just we hear this a lot. And, you know, it's a perception, I think, more times. And, and people get angry about it and they get upset about it. And there, and there's really a whole lot more going on here. I mean, I don't know that it's, well, some people get angry, I guess, but most of the time, like you said earlier, we're just butt hurt, right?

You know, your pride gets hurt and you're frustrated because, you know, here we are, you know, most of us are in our 30s and 40s and 50s and like we we've been around the block a couple times and like we have our act together and then you get in these situations and you're like damn it i feel like i'm 15 again right you know and that's then you feel ridiculous like what is wrong with me but we're all, we all up in that same boat it's stupid but but it's real yeah and and again i think my last thought on this is that we've met a lot of people in the lifestyle and we have a lot of listeners that we've heard from and we've been to a lot of events there is somebody for everybody yeah so what that's really what we're talking about here is is if you if there's a click that's really not the end of the world you know there's somebody in that room or somebody in that place that wants to talk to you so make it your job to seek them out because if you don't then you're putting it on them to seek you out and the likelihood of that happening it's not in your control at that point in time it's just a matter of luck that's a good point yeah yeah you're there to have fun and to meet people yeah you're not gonna as we know you're not gonna find that in the corner that's right at least.

At least we didn't give up on it. We kept going. Yeah, that's true. But you look in it, and it's almost like a pitiful look. Oh, look at that couple over there in the corner. They look so pitiful. And I don't know why somebody would want to come talk to us, because, oh, I got to go make this. Well, I was pissed. So I'm sure I had steam coming out of my ears. Like you said, the resting bitch face. Like I was so frustrated. And you were just standing there like taking it all in. You were like Mr. Observant. You were observing everybody but me. I wasn't moving fast enough for you. Right.

But one thing we did learn is that that really wasn't our scene. Thank you. everybody but me i wasn't moving fast enough for you right but one thing we did learn is that that really wasn't our scene as far as like that big i think there were like two to three hundred people there right yeah it was a meet and greet yeah um that wasn't our scene right it wasn't the people it was the environment well um so you know, I think that kind of magnified the perception that nobody wanted to talk to us. Because it just wasn't, we weren't in our comfort zone to begin with. Right.

That's why I started this whole conversation about environment. So what kind of environment are you walking into? Is it one that you're going to be successful and comfortable in?

Or are you really to have to try yeah but sometimes we don't have that option i mean you have one weekend that you're free you got babysitters that night that's the only event you have to go to so that's right you're gonna have to figure out how to make it work because it'll work yeah you can at least meet one couple just just meet one couple that you enjoyed meeting hey and and if all else fails just enjoy the sexy vibe and go back up to your room and have crazy sex with the two of you Thank you. Just meet one couple that you enjoyed meeting.

Hey, and if all else fails, just enjoy the sexy vibe and go back up to your room and have crazy sex with the two of you. That's not a bad way to end a weekend. That's not a bad consolation prize. Right. Because if you would have stayed home, you would have felt lucky to have that. Right. Yeah. Right. You can always be my plan B, baby. Again, it's all perception, isn't it? Okay. So I'm done on my soapbox. I feel better now. Good, I'm glad you got that out of your system. Yeah. And I hope you all manage to take a little nugget of wisdom out of there somewhere.

Yeah, we hope that what you do is that you attend one of our events to practice on your um breaking into perceived clicks that's right and you can always target me if you want i'm always going to say i'm happy to meet you i'll be your crutch if if you think that we're a click or if we're in the middle of a click oh you're gonna be under the microscope now babe yeah or if you want to go to desire that's a good place and if you do want to go desire you can book your trip through our website oh that's right because we have a 10 discount out there we do it's a dp 2023 for a 10 uh there there's a 25 discount at michae's right now, but you don't need a promo code.

You can just go through our site to get that. Yeah, so don't forget to do that. And if you want to contact us, you can contact me at mrjones at wegotathing.com. Or me at mrsjones at wegotathing.com. And if you want to learn more and join our community you can find information about that on our website you can follow us on twitter at wegotathing and then we have three month promos at SDC and Cassidy through our website three months for free we've had a lot of people sign up for Cassidy this month yeah Cassidy still seems to be site.

So if you want to try it out for free, look through our website. So thanks for listening. We are Mr. and Mrs. Jones and we got a thing. What's your thing? We'll see you next time.