Episode 102: You Gotta Own Your Own Sh*t

Transcript

This podcast contains explicit language and content and is for mature audiences only. Hey you teenagers out there, if you're under 18, this show is more for your parents. So now that you have that mental picture stuck in your head, put some music on and get back to doing your homework. We are a long-time married couple who's decided to chronicle our personal adventures and share our sex-positive discussions as we navigate our way through the swinging lifestyle. Care to join us?

hello everyone i'm mr jones and i'm mrs jones and we want to welcome you to episode 102 of the we got a thing podcast and the title is own your own sh star star t this is your podcast own your own shit baby right well um it's pretty self-atory, don't you think? It should be easy, but it's really not. Yeah, this podcast is going to be a little bit different than what we're used to. You're used to, but we'll explain more in just a second. Yeah. Keeping up with the Joneses, huh? Well, we've got a couple of announcements.

If you're going to try to keep up with us um within about a week less than a week from now we'll be at desire pearl five more sleeps oh okay you're one of those people yes i am so this trip has been sold out for a year and we're excited about going back to desire pearl part of the reason that we it's kind of a tradition that we try to do a podcast that has something to do with getting together with a large group of swingers right prepping for desire yeah to be specific so all of you who are traveling with us we have you in mind as we're talking about this that's right this one This one's for you.

Own your own shit, people. Yeah. But it does apply to everyone. Especially me. Oh, that was like a little spoiler alert, wasn't it? No, go ahead. If you want to get your therapy in now. Well, I mean, we're going to be talking about it in our middle segment. But, yeah, just having to deal on the fly with these idiotic insecurities that come out of nowhere. You know, I think I prep for things. I think I'm emotionally ready for things.

And then, you know, we get there and something completely inane happens and i don't take it well so we don't want you to cancel your trip to desire we're not saying that um you're going to have a bad time oh no no what you have to understand is that um when you're at these um and it doesn't even matter what what you're doing it could be on a a date for drinks with a couple you could be out to dinner with a couple you could be you know headed out to a club or in you know in our case um you know five more sleeps and we're going to be at the happiest place on earth for eight nights right um that's a long time to be somewhere that's a lot of energy to expend expend in a short period of time.

And, um, and it can kind of, it can kind of, uh, not weigh you down, but it can kind of keep you on your toes, I guess. Right. And if you let your guard down or you're, you're tired and you're not doing any kind of self care to try to, you know, kind of manage the, the sunshine and the drinking and the socializing and the talking and the staying up till three o'clock, it can, it can get to you and it can kind of mess with your head a little bit. All right, man, you're just depressing. No, I'm not. I am. We'll talk about it in a minute. So if we haven't. I mean, this is our 18th trip to desire.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not like dreading going you know i i think we've proven that we like it well let's talk about um trips 19 and 20 okay okay so we are going to we're gonna have fun this time damn it we're gonna go do it again next year twice that's the spirit uh temptations grand mich Meeches in the Dominican Republic, June 17th through the 24th. We have probably about 65 couples signed up for that. Really? Yeah, there's still room. But you're going to want to use our promo code that we can only give you on the podcast.

And that's G-R-A-N-d 22 so grand 22 uh to get 10 off um of of the grand me chase trip so that's 10 that's 10 additional percent off whatever whatever promotions they're currently running so whatever you see on the website you'll be able to take 10 off yeah and you should book on a mobile device because they were having a mobile device discount. Yeah, I don't know if that's a permanent thing or if that's just... Well, it's not. That's why we're saying that you can get 10% off with our promo code in addition to whatever else they might be offering. Right. Depending on when you listen to this.

So, and then next November 11th through 18th of 2023, we have a promo code for Desire Pearl, DP2022. And that'll get you 10% off of that as well. And we haven't sold that one out yet. I think this Grand Miche's trip has given us some breathing room.

So if you've not been able to go with us in the past, now's your opportunity because both of these trips still have vacancies right now can i ask you a question i think i know the answer but um the other people out there might have the same question are these promo codes only good for our weeks uh no they're only good through our website but they're good they're good for anytime you book desire pearl or grammy chase okay in 2023 right so if you're not going to go with us it doesn't matter what matters is you have to book through our website in order to use those promo codes all right that's a pretty good deal got it i think desire finally has a little respect for us okay well don't say that too loud and you know what else is coming up what it's naughty stocking season oh my gosh that's right and so if you go to our website and take advantage we're going to have a promo code on our website for a discount to our card games our two different card games that we have available right we have conversation cards and we got action cards yes so take a take a look at our website as you are getting ready to order all of your goodies for your naughty stockings this year and get yourself a deck or two of our cards um speaking of naughty stockings you can book or excuse me uh casual toys if you book through our website you can get a discount on your on your toy shopping with our friends at Casual Toys.

That's right. No excuses. It's time to start filling those stocking orders. I can't believe you're saying this. That's right. You're Mr. Anti-Shopping. I know. You're so funny. I say this every year that I'm going to start early.

And then my tradition is I'd go out on Christmas Eve and see what i can salvage from what's left on the shelves right yeah to do your normal stocking stuffers yeah for the whole family right you got to do it on christmas eve because you like to watch people panic okay keeping up with the joneses when we last left you last month we were getting ready to try the tri-mix oh that's right solution it had just come in the mail right or it was coming in the mail right and we've done some experimenting and it's fairly good news but we're still trying to dial in the right dosage for this so the first thing that um i took 10 units and which is what the doctor prescribed.

Yeah. And that was way too much for me. I sat there twiddling my thumbs in bed at night waiting for my erection to go away. Don't get me wrong. It worked. And we were able to have sex. Although it does feel a little bit different.

We've done this like half a like half a dozen times now anyway before i get to that then i lowered my dosage to eight units and that was still a little bit too much so then i've lowered it to six units and last weekend i still like stayed awake like two or three hours waiting for my erection to go away i know the poor guy has to take a nap the next day after we have sex because he's laying in bed for three hours and you said it doesn't feel normal like you said it's kind of uncomfortable well yeah i mean after about an hour it the pressure it just starts to to feel uncomfortable and i can't you can't lay on top of it and you can't lay on your side you know i need it i need some sort of contraption that like suspend like like when you're in traction in the hospital that's what i need i need a i need a penis traction device that suspends it up in the air and holds it up so that nothing's touching it and then i can but the other thing about it is is it's in my head like okay because they say if you go four hours you have to call the doctor and so i'm i'm looking at the watch going okay it's two hours two and a half hours two hours and 45 minutes three hours and i don't want to afraid your penis is going to explode i'm waiting to the four hour mark and i'm like i gotta call 9-1-1 but i mean it's gone away before that time but anyway we're gonna now move down to four units the next time and see how that.

And of course, I've just had sex and I hadn't had sex in six months. So every time we have sex, I just roll over and go to sleep because I'm just like fat and nappy. I know. But I want to talk about. And then I slightly feel guilty that you're laying there with an erection, but I go to sleep anyway.

And I tried having sex with you again one time, like after we had had sex and you had an orgasm yeah but of course having an orgasm now doesn't create any kind of relief for you i mean it feels good but well i still have an orgasm but there's no ejaculation right so your penis oh and it doesn't go away right right your penis is still erect medicine then I'm like, okay, well, I might as well take advantage of this. So I climbed on top of you, but then you said it kind of was like overly sensitive at that point. Yeah, I mean, I think it worked okay that time.

Really, it's after two hours, it starts to be bothersome. Yeah, but when I climbed on top of you you were you were really sensitive and then i kind of like laid down on top of you and you didn't you were like uh get up well i wasn't allowed to squish it i still have the same sensitivities as before because before when when i had the orgasm i would get extremely sensitive just like. And like, you couldn't touch me for a while. So that still happens. That was normal. Yeah. But it's still hard. That's why it's confusing you, because usually it gets really sensitive and then it gets soft. Right.

And then we all go to sleep. Yeah. So anyway, and the erection itself, and this is kind of strange strange to talk about but it doesn't quite feel the same it it definitely works that like the main what's the right term fuselage back it's hard but it's like the skin around it and the head doesn't get hard. Right. It's just, yeah, it's different. And so when I think some guys say they feel like they lose some length, you know, the organ itself is still the same length, but it's not engorging with blood to its fullest extent like it did naturally. So it feels a little bit different for me.

And I know you said it feels different for you. Yeah. I'm not complaining. It's nice to have you back. But it'll be also nice when your nervous system is back in charge. Right. You know, I suspect that because like you have a lot of friends kind of coming out of the woodwork now that are using this as an aid um when they're performing right um but they they haven't had surgery so i mean they're still they're still functioning but this is just kind of an assist right um you know for you you're that medicine is the only thing that's like making things happen right now.

So I think that's why it's different. And it's weird to be talking about this, but again, like if we can be a resource for somebody that's going through this or has questions about it, you know, then it's worth talking about because, you know we it's hard to learn things the hard way and to kind of like make decisions you know blind yeah and we are gonna have a urologist on here in probably early 2023 and talk about the whole thing but um yeah i mean the good news is that the medication works and using a needle on myself i've kind of kind of gotten used to that.

It's not that big of a deal anymore. Well, except for that one night. Yeah, I didn't have enough. I didn't, well, I didn't have my glasses on. Oh, I didn't know that part. So now the truth is coming out. Yeah, I thought I had some mixture in the syringe, but I didn't. So I really injected myself for no good reason. I had a needle in me, plus we weren't able to have sex because I didn't get heart. So we're going to pack that shit up and take it to desire. Yes, we are. And we'll practice for a week. So that's that. We have had some fun.

We've talked about going to Kansas City quite a bit because I i have a client out there but we go to a halloween bash out there every year and we just went again this year and it did not disappoint it was a lot of fun as always yeah man um just and now we know just about everybody out there so it it's a lot more fun for us because we're just going out to hang out with friends yeah but fun activities during the day there was a brewery right across the street from the hotel we spent a lot of time there it's good beer really good food yep and then we went to uh funky town yes that's my favorite part of the weekend well of course the party is the best part I mean, this place is worth a trip just to go there.

Right. Yeah, it's a 70s, 80s disco sort of a place, of course, with a name like Funky Town. And so it's all black lights. And everybody wears neon or white. And it's really colorful. And they play the 70s and 80s music.

dance floor is really big and then they even do a show and this year they re-enacted um thriller yeah because it was halloween yeah and that was really good and then their main specialty of their drink speaking of 70s and 80s is the long island iced tea yeah and so it only takes one of those yeah they don't fake it it's it's a true long island iced tea with all the liquors but you and your lady friends had your white go-go boots on and then they have cages suspended up in the air so you can get in and dance in the cages it's really um it was a blast yeah it was really fun yeah and then the next night, we actually did the main party itself.

We almost wore ourselves out. I know. On Friday. But everybody was dressed up. It was the high holy day of the lifestyle of the swingers. Yeah. And this year at the Halloween party, the host kind of doubled down. He comes up with these crazy themes every year.

So this year, was like famous couples so it was a pretty easy theme but you had to show up with what the famous couple would wear like out in public and then at 10 o'clock you had to transition into what the famous couple would be wearing at 10 o'clock at night right so you had to actually come up with like two costumes in one right yeah it was a lot of blast a blast so thank you friends for hosting and thanks for inviting us out yeah and for being such amazing hosts they they put so much work into that and they make it look effortless i know but i know it's got to be so much work behind the scenes so we appreciate you so let's talk about this podcast this podcast was kind of a total accident well well we talked a couple of months ago about changing up a format every once in a while when we get into 2023 this is not exactly that but it is in in the in the way that it came about so we um in our mid-atlantic group in our community we we six of us went out to um a winery yeah yesterday afternoon and you and i had already picked out the topic and what we typically do is we go out and we sit and have a beer and put the podcast outline together.

Yes. Well, since our friends joined us, I forced them into helping me with the outline. And this is not the first time we've imposed upon them. No. It's just part of drinking wine with us on Sunday or Saturday. And what happened was over a bottle or three of wine, they started talking about examples of what we were going to discuss. Right. And it was a really fascinating conversation. And I said, look, let's not talk about this at the winery. Let's go back to our house and set the studio up and podcast about it as three couples.

And that does kind of play into the new format of origin stories because you're going to hear stories and examples of this topic tonight told by two other couples besides us. So it really turned into an interesting afternoon.

And so we all came home um and we said are we really going to do this and i finagled all the technology and dug up enough microphones to do it and we recorded it last night and it turned out really well yeah so let's explain the topic and let's introduce our friends okay well like owning your own shit is obviously it applies to all areas of life um but when it gets into the lifestyle you know we we say this is a team sport and it is but at the same time you've got to carry your own weight.

And sometimes when things start to go sideways, you know, you either blame your partner or you have this expectation that your partner is going to be able to fix it like on the fly right then. And that really isn't their responsibility or even possible sometimes. So anyway, I think we all just had these instances of things happening. And like for you and I, we had something happening at the Halloween party. Right. And it was the best party ever. Like it was the perfect environment. And I still managed to like get like weird in my head. Thank you.

right and it was the best party ever like it was the perfect environment and i still managed to like get like weird in my head so we're going to introduce our our friends and then we're going to play the recording so we we've met both of these couples we've known them for over a year now yes and and they're local and so we've become really good friends we're good enough friends where we talk about a lot of personal stuff. Yeah. Family, kids. These are the people that we live life together with. Yeah. Yeah.

And so it's really comforting to have especially lifestyle friends that are that close to you where you don't have to worry about being judged. and when you have lifestyle issues, you, um, you have somebody to talk to because in real life you don't. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're, they're truly our sounding boards. Right. So you're going to meet, um, you're going to meet Maydance and Michael. Yes. And they live near us. And then also Mr. and Mrs. Integados. Yes. And we've known them for a while, too. They're a little bit further away, but they're troopers, man.

When we do something, they drive all the way down there. And so you're going to, and they'll introduce themselves and you'll understand the experience they have in the lifestyle. So we don't need to get into that. But we just wanted to say that what you're going to hear is a conversation between the six of us. And I kind of guide the conversation a little bit, but it's pretty raw. Everybody was really open and honest. And I think it turned out really well. So we hope that you listen.

And we hope that as you hear their stories that it's not this it's not the same old stories that the joneses tell it's not i mean we have our shit that's what's so cool about it is i mean we're we're three couples we know we're we're all happily married we are 100 committed to each other and and to you finding our, our best lives in the lifestyle, but we've all come at it for different reasons from different angles. Um, and it, I think it's really good to hear the same problem discussed three different ways. Right.

And so another difference is because of the length of the conversation, we're not going to have snapshots tonight. We've been this new format that we're moving to every once in a while with origin stories. That'll be a different format. It'll be more conversational. It'll be interview. So we kind of follow that format tonight. So we won't have snapshots, but we'll be back after the conversation to kind of sum things up yes we hope you enjoy welcome back to segment two and again this title like i am struggling Everybody has to own their own shit. What's so difficult about that?

That is not sexy no it's it's about getting people's attention clearly we've got people's attention we um happen to have some friends with us tonight that we may have kidnapped at a winery today well we our normal mo is to go to a winery or a brewery and then fight about what we're going to podcast about. Yes. And our friends invited themselves along to our podcast editing session this afternoon at a winery. Yeah. They had no idea what they were getting into. I thought they were going to drink wine.

And as we all six got into a heated conversation about the topic topic i said we should just stop talking about this at the winery and go back to the house and record this because the information that was being shared the experiences that were being shared and the ideas that came about through our conversation were kind of spot on to what we were talking about and well they were we're all on different journeys and different paths but we all have the same shit we're dealing with right so hence the title again yeah and we realized that none of us are perfect and all of us have are dealing with this and we've been in the lifestyle for various amount of times and and we've been in relationships for different periods of time but i think what we're learning is that no matter how long you've been in this, when you go to an event or when you go on a date or you go to a club or you go to some sort of a lifestyle setting, that no matter how long you've been doing this, something comes up.

Yes. And you never know when it's going to happen. You don't know what it's going to be. And no matter how many freaking episodes of the podcast you listen to, you're still going to screw up. Well, wait. No matter how many episodes of the podcast you produce, you're still going to screw up. Okay. I'll edit that out. We'll just change the topic. So anyway, we're doing something a little bit different tonight.

we've invited some friends back to help us talk about this topic yes so we should let you all introduce yourselves hi everyone i'm may dance r and my husband is michael and we've been married for 10 years this month and we've been exploring the lifestyle for about less than three years. I'm sure he'll correct me on the exact number. No, I don't want to correct you, but as I recall correctly, Mr. and Mrs. Jones begged us to go to the winery today. We did. We guilted you into it. Yeah. Mr. and Mrs. Intrigados. So, take a moment to introduce yourselves. Yeah, hello, everybody. I am Mr.

Intrigados and my wife, Mrs. Intrigados. We've been together 27 years, but been married 24. Came to the lifestyle three years ago, just like you guys.

Yes, three ago and it's been it's been an adventure it's you know it's heads it's up heads and down and has a lot of shit but we're still we're still here hi i am mrs intrigados and um as my husband said we've been uh in the lifestyle for about three years um my favorite part has been the social aspect of it um and the the good friends that we've made the the friends that we're making um and we're still trying to figure this out the shit up yeah be careful with that this is a family show what kind of family are you talking about my my friend? Well, a swinger family. That's right.

So what we were talking about as a group, we were kind of giving each other a therapy session this afternoon because we've all recently been at events where things kind of went sideways between the two of us. No.

And as we were talking talking we realized that each one of us had had these issues and the more that we talked about it what we realized is that it's not necessarily an individual's problem and it's and it's not necessarily a couple's problem it turns out that when something happens we we of, especially if we've been together for a long time, we tend to get upset and then we tend to blame our spouse or get angry at our spouse, or at least the perception is that there's a miscommunication or a misunderstanding and our partner assumes some of the blame of that.

And so the the more that we talked about this, the more that we realized, well, really, if there's an issue, it doesn't necessarily, the behavior of the partner isn't necessarily what caused it. Maybe that's what triggered something, but maybe it's something within our own selves individually that has made us uncomfortable and that we're observing our partner doing something that otherwise we thought would be fine, but for some reason in that very instant, in that moment, it wasn't fine.

So, what I was hoping that we could do is maybe share, without being too specific, times when we've been at an event or a lifestyle situation, when things have gone sideways, and then talk about, as a couple, how you acknowledge that, and how you communicate about that, and how you get beyond the issue itself, and kind of dig into the why behind what is really going on. Well, I mean, can we talk about what happened We'll be right back. So the issue itself and kind of dig into the why behind what is really going on.

Well, I mean, can we talk about what happened last month when we were at our Halloween party? Yes. We've debriefed about this a lot. And there's really no rhyme or reason to it. And I think that's kind of like the whole point of this topic um we went to like a three-day halloween party which was amazing it was a weekend it was a halloween weekend yes and it was amazing we were like we knew almost everybody there it was just an amazing event on friday we went to this club that was not it was not a lifestyle club It was just a dance club, and it was so fun.

We took a party bus there, funnest party bus ever. I might have hurt my shoulder and got a big old bruise on my ass from standing up dancing and turning a corner. Because you're getting old. Well, whatever. However I got the bruise, it was worth it because it was so much fun on this party bus. But that night, you and I had so much fun. And like I was dancing with people. You were dancing with people. We were dancing together. We were, you know, dancing apart. It didn't seem to matter. And you and I had fun and I felt connected to you. And I think it's because I could always see you.

Like the club wasn't like super big. And I knew most of the people there. So it was easy for me to like see people I recognize and then say, Oh, yeah, there's Mr. Jones, because you're tall, and you're easy to find. The next night, the party itself was at hosted by a couple in their home. And their home was perfectly laid out for a big party, but it did have separate rooms that you could go into. There was like a dance room and a billiards room and a bar and this and that and the other. Um, I kept losing you that night.

Like you were the social butterfly of the night and you were just flitting around. And I felt like the little nerdy girl that was like running behind you all night trying to like catch your attention and get you to pay attention to me. Now, when we came home and debriefed, you asked me, what did I do different on Saturday night that I, you know, versus Friday night?

And I was like was like i don't know it was my perception of our connection that night and i just felt lost and alone on saturday night where friday i didn't and and again this is my own shit and i don't know why, but it was my reality, and it was not good. Right, and so from my perspective, I woke up Saturday morning, and we were fine, because you had a good time Friday night. I know, I know. I woke up Sunday morning, and there was hell to pay. I know, I'm sorry.

And as you're retelling this story, the only thing that you described that was different was the layout of the venue that we were in. Because the first one you said you could see me, and the second one you said you kept losing me. I kept losing you, yes.

Okay, so what we talked about today, though, is why would that, why, the fact that that caused you issue isn't necessarily all my issue oh no but but this is like this the insecure 16 year old in me just like rears its ugly head i know but let me but let me say that when a wife when you are upset at something that happened during a party i'm taking taking ownership of that. I'm like, okay, what did I do wrong? You know, what is it that I did? Because you're upset. You're in my mind, I always want to be the prettiest girl in the room. And that night, I didn't feel like you even noticed me.

And it really wasn't anything you did. It was my perception and I was not the prettiest girl in the room in my perception of the way you were acting. Right. Okay. So before we get to resolution, let's hear from our friends. Because you all have described to us similar situations where you've had similar disconnects. And so to get me off the hook here, I'm hoping that somebody else will jump in and talk about a story. I'll jump in because, yes, as Mrs. Jones and I have gotten to know each other, we've realized we're a lot alike. We are two peas in a pod, my friend.

And we are all at the same halloween party except the nights where we had issues were flipped yes may dance and i were totally fine saturday night and we weren't on friday night and what happened is she's much more of a social butterfly than I am.

We were dancing together i went back to the table i i lost the visual of her and for quite a while i think i think i kind of walked away and i might have been sulking a little and when i came back um she was kissing someone which was totally fine in in in my logical But, you know, going to the past, I had some issues of things with a previous marriage going on behind my back. So that triggered things in me. Like, I have realized that the certain things that trigger me and make my lid flip, as it were, have to do a lot with that. And again, it's not my wife is just being who she is, right?

And one of the things that I've observed through these situations is I was telling Mr. and Mrs. Jones today that I hear a lot of people talk about and they make all these all these rules and all these um strategies to keep themselves from feeling from not feeling the greatest right from they don't want to deal with these feelings and and what i've tried to do is look at them as opportunities to learn, right? If I have insecurities and issues from my past, and Maydance makes me feel safe and secure, they never get dealt with.

She's just keeping me in this little bubble, so I don't have to deal with those issues. Wow, that's amazing. So before we go any further, I'd like to hear Maydance. Can you, as this was going on on this particular friday evening can you talk about what you were doing what you were enjoying and what you were observing what were you doing so i was just being my normal you know flittering social butterfly self. And I was out dancing and having a good time, not very well knowing that there was anything going on with him. As a matter of fact, I thought he was out dancing with someone else.

And, you know, and we would reconnect and talk through the exciting time we were having. And when I got off the dance floor, he's in a corner sulking and very unhappy, obviously. And then we have that conversation where I find out that he's very unhappy because he had observed me kissing someone and he was uncomfortable with that. And so we had to go through that whole process of why that was, and I've kissed plenty of people, I think. But if I can ask, though, did you, so this was in the heat of the moment. This was Friday night. It was at the club. You were dancing.

You were having a good time, indicated that he was triggered, and he kind of was withdrawing. And when you noticed that and you sat down, did you guys right then in the in the moment how did you handle it in the moment like like what we did what and there's no right or wrong i'm just curious like we just kind of powered through the evening and then we really talked about it the next day or two days or three days later nicely babe yeah so like what how did you like in the moment when you first realized he wasn't himself, what happened then? Yeah. Well, you know, my husband is my first priority.

So when I realized that he was upset, that kind of closed the evening for me where I have to figure out what's going on with him and reconcile whatever situation was happening.

So at that point I sat with him and we talked a bit and then we continued to talk throughout the evening and then we had another event the next night so we talked about like how were we going to orchestrate the next event and so we decided that I was going to stay close to him and that you know that this was about us and that our priority was us and usness and so whatever we did it was going to be about us did you ever did you ever just uh between friday and saturday did either one of you ever think the thought of we just shouldn't do anything on saturday um i was uh because of the things that were going on i was very anxious i didn't sleep well and there was the thoughts in my head that oh i'm not in the best place we're gonna go to another situation right and this is just gonna happen right again right and um i can't say there is anything in particular that happened um but it just didn't end up that way somehow she was still able to dance i you know i was still able to be an introvert to a certain extent um but but it still like worked out well because we were we we felt very connected the whole night okay so before we get into how we all resolve this i'd like to ask the intrigados you know if you all could talk about a situation where you may have had a disconnect and just describe to us what that was like for you all okay um this is mr intrigados um for me so there were there was an instance where um we were with this couple and the way she was kissing him that triggered in me um discomfort i didn't say anything at that moment um the rest of the night was great but that moment right there was something that i just could not shake it off um i did talk to her afterwards um when we when we got home and we we discussed it and um she at the moment she thought that it was just my security and that we actually we we she said that if um if this was causing issues between us we should stop she did mention that.

But it was something that I don't want because, again, we need to work through it. I think the most important thing is to talk about it and try to get to a resolution about it. So, Mrs. Intrigados, at that particular time, did you notice a behavior change? Like, when you were kissing this gentleman, and Mr. Intrigados. At that particular time, did you notice a behavior change? Like when you were kissing this gentleman and Mr. Intrigados was triggered, did you notice in the moment or when did you first realize that there was something that wasn't quite right? I'm thinking back now.

He acted completely normal. As he said, the night continued continued very well it was a really it was a good time um it so we ended we went home everything was fine after that is when we started having a conversation and he disclosed how he had felt and what he described that made him uncomfortable blew my mind because it wasn't something more intimate. It was more, well, I mean, kissing is intimate. But it was a kiss. So that blew my mind. How could other interactions were not as triggering? There is no rhyme or reason to that.

Yeah it's just a kiss right yeah so um so of course i i got concerned because we i mean if we we entered the lifestyle to have a good time and if we're going to go into having a good time but it was going to cause an issue for us then it was no longer a good time so right to me it was like all right i'm done now so just to give everyone a little bit of history though as you guys were getting into the lifestyle if memory serves it was you know it was kind of a reversal in roles here right i mean mr intregados you you described yourself as more the gas when you got into this Yes.

When we started, actually, she was the one who introduced me to the podcast. She said, you need to listen to this. She didn't even tell me why. She just said, listen to it. And she was afraid of my reaction. And I went through, I think I went through the first 10 podcasts in one day.

And every time I would would i would because that covid had hit so we were at the house working out of the house and i would turn around and tell her um we're gonna go to desire and she would ask me what's desire and says oh we're gonna go to this club so yes i was the guest at that moment i was the one just just wanted to go forward and actually the very first couple events it was like that i was all out but i don't know why it flipped around how how but it's something that uh again i'm working through i'm evolving i know that that hopefully eventually everything's going to be fine but i think the point though is that um you mr intregados were kind of the gas in this.

And then after you got into you, Mr. Intregados, were kind of the gas in this. And then after you got into it, Mrs. Intregados did something that triggered you. So as we now start to talk about our triggers and what was going on there, since you have the microphone in your hand, did that surprise you? And then how did you react to the fact that, okay, you're a very logical person. You're looking at her and you're saying, wait a minute, I'm okay with this. I actually like what she's doing, but something in, I don't feel the same.

So give us a little bit about your personal background and history and why it might've been difficult for you to kind of understand why you were triggered the way that you were. Yes. So, Ms. Intriguez, this is my second marriage. My previous marriage, it didn't end well. There were things going on behind my back and things like that.

And initial, not only that you know i'm latino so we are we are raised to be very macho and and we don't share our our women and things like that but again i it's it's the the most intriguing thing intrigados the most intriguing thing is that it was it was the kiss it was not the act you know because i saw her do anything and i enjoyed everything but the kiss and and i more than the kiss it's the way she was kissing probably that's what triggered it that in my mind things were not right and that's my shit to work with right so i have to work with that um but i i don't know you know all that thing from the past was probably that came back out when i saw her doing that right right well first of all i what you're talking about about your uh being latina and your culture and how men are expected to to behave that's real stuff so and yes it is and it takes um i think we were talking today about this is really not a lifestyle issue you know this is just a relationship issue that we're talking yes it is yeah and it's just the fact that the lifestyle happens to put us in a situation where we we kind of discover these things so you're now, because this is not your first relationship, you're like, you know, you're a little bit more mature now, you're able to examine yourself and kind of understand that, like you said, this is your shit.

But I wanted to ask Mrs. Intrigatos, like, when you understood how he felt, and you said, let's get out of this, what was your thinking at that point in time of the reason why you would just say, let's get out of this? Well, as he stated, there were circumstances in his previous relationship that throughout our marriage, I made sure that I made him feel secure and that he wouldn't go through something like that at my expense. But now we're in the lifestyle, which is, you know, consenting adults. It's ethical. It's not unethical. It's ethical.

So now I'm dealing with true true life emotions and now they're mixed in the lifestyle and again like i said before um this is meant to enhance and for it to be fun for us together and if it was going to be painful to him then i i wanted nothing so so back to the culture thing though because you're both both lat, both Latina. Yes. So did you, when Mr. Intrigato started to talk reflectively, I mean, is that something that you have experienced before, like with a man?

I mean, is that, did that surprise you that all of a sudden he's like honest with you and trusting you and saying, hey, this is, this is why I felt this way.

I mean, had you experienced anything like that before with the two of you or was that something new that you had to deal with no it was something new yeah it was something new so when you wanted to get out of it and then mr intregato says well this is something that i had to work through how did you all what was the conversation like there like there with, because this is really the crux of this podcast episode, it's that it's an issue, but it's not necessarily anyone's fault, it's just an issue. So how did you, as a couple, then address that? There's been multiple layers to it.

um there's been my feeling of it's not it's not fair um and and there's the the understanding side of i do i do get what you're feeling um and again i i want to be because yes this is ultra um also part of the latino like we're kind of a little matriarch so i need to make sure that i take care of my man and he doesn't suffer it is my job right to make sure that he's okay right and even at the expense of your own feelings and then but of course this keeps going and then it turns into well it's not fair and um so we have actually um we actually and, um, and decided we've, we went out and sought out a, um, lifestyle, um, a friendly counselor.

And, um, although we knew that the issue was not lifestyle, which is strange to explain, it was not a lifestyle issue. It was that were being um brought up to the surface through the or tested i guess they were being tested by the lifestyle we both wanted this but then it was being like we were in a different place and um it was very helpful very interesting so before we get to the happy ending part of your story um let's switch back to Maydance.

Okay, so then you guys, back to your story, you have this misunderstanding or disagreement, and then we happen to be privy to a lot of your conversation because the four of us rode home from the airport together, which was a really fascinating conversation so if you don't mind like how did you all i even though the the may dance you said you noticed this and you want to be there for your husband like how did you all process this uh over the next few days and weeks um you know how did you all as a couple talk about that it was a grueling process it was did you say grueling yes okay it was a lot of a lot of talking um in just kind of going to the heart of the why so we just kept mulling over all the the pieces of what happened until we kind of got into the deeper understanding of why you were feeling the way you felt okay so the heart of the why that's that's notable yeah so when you say that what what do you mean by that like do you how you, how do you probe beyond that?

Because that's really the crux of what we're talking about. Yeah. Well, I mean, the emotions are there. And, you know, my husband would say that I was so upset, you know, I felt, you know, like you weren't, you know, with me, I felt alone. And then I would just keep asking, well, well, why did you feel alone? You had all these people around, you know, you know that I'm there, you know where I am, like, what is the, what is the heart of this? What's going on? And so I just kept pressing to find out where is this really coming from beyond this moment. Okay.

And I think like in processing through it, you know, I spend a lot of time in quiet thinking through these things. And there were two things going on. There was a lot of abandonment issues and feeling alone and feeling left out as as a child and then there was also that feeling of mr intercados and i things going on behind my back so it was like the dance floor issue was may dance was i didn't see her and then once i saw her she was kissing someone right, right? So she was gone. And then in a sense, I caught her, even though she wasn't really doing anything wrong.

But it took me a while to come to that. It takes a lot of contemplation. It takes a lot of introspection to go, oh, this isn't a lifestyle thing. This isn't, she's kissing another guy and she she shouldn't do that this is very much a thing that's bubbling on out of me because these things are happening right exactly and so how did how did you guys though when you came home okay you know you both have jobs you go back to life but this this thing is still gnawing at you it's still there.

And then you, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but, you know, well, okay, the six of us are going to desire next week. There's other things on the calendar and life is coming at you. And then, so you're thinking, if we don't resolve this, are we going to be able to have fun, you know, on this next trip? So talk about that pressure of, um, you know, you, you, this is not something that you can ignore, right? So how as a couple, do you, how do you, who brings this up and how do you deal with that?

Well, we, yeah, we just had this conversation this morning, you know know it's the big enchilada in the room right you can't and and you have to accept that there might not be a right answer right you're not going to get all your ducks in a row and go to desire and think everything is going to be fine right but all we can do is talk it through. And I think, you know, what we kind of have arrived at is when we started this, we said, we're going to do everything as a team, we're going to do everything as a pair.

And not that we've gone too far away from that, but we're like, like, let's reemphasize and be very intentional about that. And yeah, but, but we have to face the facts that this was just a few weeks ago, right? And, you know, who knows what's going to happen, but you gotta, you know, you gotta put your big boy pants on and, and, you know, or big girl pants on. But would it be fair to say, just like Mrs. Intrigatos was saying that her reaction was we should get out of this if this is going to make you uncomfortable.

What I'm hearing you say is, you know, maybe you even thought, well, we should just not go to desire or we should, you know, there's this reaction that we have a choice to make we can either eliminate the problem so we don't have to face it again or we as a couple have to go through this right yeah we actually had that conversation and you know and i was i was all i was very much committed to whatever that is necessary for us to be happy and safe. And our relationship to be the priority is what I was willing to do.

So if it meant not going to desire, if it meant not being in the lifestyle, like whatever it took for my husband to feel safe and to feel that, you know, we had, that I had his back and that he was loved was my priority. And I think what helped us was I stayed open and, and this is what I, you know, was talking to him about a lot this morning.

Um, because we've had a couple this is not the only one but b i stayed open to the notion that number one i was not going to be a victim in this that it wasn't like oh for me you know my husband feels this way and therefore you know i'm gonna hold some resentment or something like that. It was like, you know, this aspect of, yeah, there's no right answers here, but this is the human experience of me being on my journey, him being on his journey, us being on our journey together.

And what do we need to do in order for him to you know learn what he needs to learn for me what i need to learn so that we grow as people because it's not the lifestyle it's literally just experiences and we have just you know the lifestyle creates experiences that allows you to grow. Whereas if you're in your very comfortable, you know, suburban home, you know, living your perfect little monogamous life, you know, following the rules, you know, hopefully you don't get into circumstances where those things are challenged.

But in the lifestyle, we are putting ourselves in scenarios where we are challenged. And so we are aware of that. So now the question is, what do you do with those challenges? And how do you take on those challenges? And like my husband said, put on your big girl boy panties and, you know, and deal with it like, and not hide from it and not run from it. So he couldn't run from the notion of, I felt scared. I felt like I was going to lose my life, my wife. I felt like whatever those feelings were, I had to sit there and hear it and listen to it and feel it.

And then I had to be honest with my feelings about what I felt and how I felt insecure or how I felt unempowered or how I felt like I wasn't able to express myself how I fully wanted. And I had to be able to express that to him clearly and openly so that we could have those really honest, hard conversations and grow from it. Yep. You know, it's funny because when you get into the lifestyle, like you learn so much about yourself as an individual, right? And you learn about your relationship and your partner and the dynamic between the two of you evolves, right?

And I've always been so like amazed about how much Mr. Jones has grown as a human. Cause he's, he was like, he was the shy guy when I met him years and years ago and, um, and to watch him evolve. And now he's like the social butterfly. And I'm like, who is this person? Like that is not the dude I met like 39 years ago. And I love the person that you're evolving into. So when I see you being the social butterfly, and I'm in the corner licking my wounds, you know, again, that that's on me, because I wanted this for you. And now, and now I have it.

And now I'm like, okay, well, I helped encourage this. So I should be happy about it. But sometimes it hurts to not be that focal point of your partner's world anymore. For years and years and years, you like you're the focal point and that's really what entering into this partnership is about. But I think one of the most brilliant things the six of us said today at the winery, and of course everybody's brilliant when they're drinking wine, right? But we said that really the answer to this dilemma that we all, all six of us have is to be willing to live in the in-between.

Like we are all very different people and it's very rare to have a life partner that processes things exactly like you. That just isn't going to happen.

And I'm sure as you all have heard and i'm sure you can all relate to um that the six of us are very different people and are and we're different than our partners so we have to find the in-between to exist and allow that elasticity between the two personalities to find that that middle ground yeah and we also talked about we don't want to mask the pain but we want to explore the cause and that really when we think about what you were just talking about mrs jones and what you all are experienced we're all experiences as we grow as couples is that like we talked about individually as men we talk about what the expectations were of us and how we grew up and how we were formed and how we were raised and how we're supposed to treat our wives and what our responsibilities are but at the same time we're wanting you as women to grow and experience new things and And we tell you that.

But then you might not like it. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. We might not like it. But it's not putting the genie back in the bottle at this point in time. It's loving each other, loving our partner enough to allow them to work through whatever it is that's triggering them and not owning their shit but recognizing that shit and put it in in the middle of the table and you both you both attack it from from a partnership sense go ahead yeah yeah when when this happened, you know, like Maidan said, one of her questions is, you know, do you want to leave the lifestyle? And I was like, hell no.

Like, it's changed our lives in so many positive ways, and that would really just be hiding from the whole thing. That would really just be setting us up in an environment where I feel safe, but I haven't dealt with any of the issues. Right. Yes, and that is the point right there. Because when Missing Three Gathers asked me if we could just step back, I thought about, all right, probably we do need to step and leave this. But we made that decision at that moment. We were going to stop. But we didn't talk about resolving what the issue was. Right.

So the issue was not because the lifestyle, the lifestyle highlighted it, brought it out to the surface. But it was there and we were not talking talking even though we allegedly decided not to continue we were not talking doing anything to fix what the problem was so you know we we then actually afterwards we we decided to you know this this is something we want to continue to do and i asked her just give me give me time. I'm evolving. I'll, you know, I'll work with the issue. Let's keep talking. We need to communicate more. And it has been good.

Again, it's not perfect, but we're getting there. So, Mrs. Intregados, as Mr. Intregados is asking you to, you know, to let's be patient. Let me work through this. And your initial feeling was to get out of this. Then how did you move forward in saying, okay, we'll still give this a try? Like what was the, how did that go?

Was it an overnight decision or did you just decide to continue to you know to meet people in the lifestyle I mean how did that go for you because we joined this um and we're more on the social um um lifestyle side and in the community that we're in so then when you join um other couples or you talk to other couples that again it's it's the real life um that they go through so you in my case I would I'm not going to but I don't know. It was easier to channel it, to continue to be social, than if we would have just completely stepped back. So let's talk about more towards the happy ending now.

And not that it's an ending because i think we what we've all realized is this shit's going to keep happening you know um but and you mentioned counseling and you all mentioned talking to each other and talking to friends and and i have to say that you know it's funny because as we're confessing to us mrs jones what they were going through you know they were asking us for our opinions and at the same time we're like well shit we just did the same damn thing i know we had to confess to them we had the same problems in the opposite direction so i'm like like you guys came over here for some sort of magic therapy but i'm we're gonna dump our shit on you.

Yeah, now you're going to help us. I was like, wait a second. Aren't you like the lifestyle pastors? You're supposed to understand this stuff. Do as I say, not as I do, my friend. But what I wanted to point out here is that in every other aspect of our lives, we have friends and family that we talk to about things. We don't necessarily have that when it comes to non-monogamy, you know. And so what helped us, and Mrs.

Jones, you can speak for yourself, of course, but being able to have friends that we're able to speak things to and you don't people don't even have to have the answers but just to have people to talk to and you know to have people tell me what my wife tells me but i don't pay attention because she's my wife or vice versa is so is so valuable, you know, to kind of reset our perspective.

And so being able to share that sort of information with friends, I think is what we're discovering, especially the six of us today, is that, oh my gosh, first of all, we're not the only people going through this. You know, you could jokingly say misery loves company, right? But the reality is that we all are in these committed relationships that we're trying to better. We all want to be better people. We all want to have better relationships. And we're all individual human beings. So we're all going to have these conflicts between the two people and the two personalities.

And conflict isn't a bad thing. Like when you were over here last week and we were talking about like growth does not happen inside your comfort zone. Right. So sometimes it's not easy and it's not fun. but it at the out the other side of it, I think you're going to be more self-aware. You're going to be more confident in your relationship with your partner. You know, like, oh, well, we got through that. You know, so I don't know. It's hard, but it's worth it. And again, this is not about sex. This is about communicating and living life with your partner.

And I just add that I said to him that I don't want you to be mad at me. And I don't want you to be upset with me and then i went back and said wait that's not what i really mean i i really mean that i don't want you to be hurt that's good and he said i'm so glad you said that because that shifted the perspective yes that it's not about, but you're really thinking about me. Right. And I think that's the in-between, you know, where we are trying to juxtapose our own self protection versus our spouse's. And how do we, you know, handle both of those things? Yeah.

We carry our spouse's heart and then at the same time push ourselves out of our comfort zones and both both parties have to do that right yeah and i think when you're in a long-term relationship you you have this expectation that your partner is going to get you right but not read your mind well i i know and that's a frustrating thing is because there's always going to be things that come out that no matter how long you've been together no matter how well you think you know each other no matter how perfect your relationship is um on the outside your own insecurities and your own self-doubts on the inside are going to interfere.

And you can't expect your partner to understand that. I think we can hope that our partner respects that. Well, but the way that, Maydance, you rephrased your communication and what you were thinking. another example of that is that Mrs. Jones you were saying that you looked around for me like you said i couldn't find you and that made me feel like oh gosh i should have been a place where i could be found and then it wouldn't have been an issue right mean, it really wasn't at the end of the day. It wasn't your fault that I felt like a lost puppy. Well, I know.

But what we ended up saying is that this is where I found myself. This is where, in the moment, this is what I was feeling when I couldn't find you. And it really does shift the focus from each other. because like we were discussing earlier, us guys, we're programmed in life when we're sitting in the living room watching TV at night and you say, it's kind of warm in here. Well, then I translate that to mean I've got to turn the air conditioner on. Good job, babe. Yes.

Yeah, but so we're programmed so that the comments that you make we feel like we have to respond you know to to make you more comfortable but i think what was it that you maybe you you can say it better than i'd but you know it's not so we're so now we have to understand that sometimes you don't really mean that. Well, there was a conversation that happened last night about communication, and it was about a different issue.

But yeah, it was a long conversation that Maydance and I were having, and it became very clear after a few comments that I made that she had no interest in me talking about how I was going to solve the problem, or talking about me in any sense, or me feeling some accountability to it. She just wanted me to listen to her.

And when I really did listen to her, I realized it really didn't have anything to do about me right it really had to do with how she was feeling and how the the that how she was being introspective about the way she handles herself in the situations that we were in and if i was trying to solve the problem i would have never i would have. Right. Because I had to stop and really listen. Right. And so as we move towards the good news of this story is that, well, there's bad news and there's good news, I'm afraid.

The good news is that we're all learning that these types of things and these communications probably will never never stop happening you mean they're normal yeah like in in this in this arena yeah this is normal well and and you know just to put the spotlight on us i mean we're married almost what 38 years or something like that over 38 we just had an anniversary years look inside your wedding and we've been into the lifestyle for eight or nine and we have this podcast where everybody thinks we know everything and then you and i so silly you and i continue to to stumble and to run into these things and and i think you know talking to our friends here, what we're learning is that it's not necessarily that these issues are deal breakers.

It's that we learn how to deal with them when they do arise. So if you're just starting out in this and you think rules and boundaries are going to solve all of your problems, they're not. They'll channel your problems. I mean, they'll at least keep them on this in a lane. Yeah. They'll keep you safe for a while, but eventually they're going to come out sideways. You're going to get a challenge. That's what life is about. I mean, as soon as you step out of your comfort zone an inch or life throws you out of your comfort zone an inch, you're going to have the challenge. And that's life. Right.

That's learning. That's growing. And that's the opportunity for you and your spouse to get closer. Right. I mean, and honestly, that's when you can have a lot of fun, right? Like if you do it right. And this is where it comes back to everyone has to own their own shit because, and you all listening know this, when you're in the middle of an argument or a disagreement or misunderstanding, it's very emotional. There's a lot of energy and there's a lot of blaming and finger pointing and because something I did made you feel a certain way.

But what it comes down to is that letting that, your lid unflip, thinking about it a little bit more clearly, and then having a process in place where you, first of all, you have the relationship that you can fall back on and the trust that, look, we're in this together. You know, let's take a. This is not a life or death situation here. It's a lifestyle issue and we need to talk through it and work through it. And we do that. And I'm not saying that that's going to eliminate these issues in the future, but I think what we are all saying is that it's not the end of the world, right?

No matter how in the moment we think this is like the worst thing that could ever happen and i've never felt this way before then we get through it and we get ourselves back on our feet and we grow a little bit and we go back out to the next event so you know it's it's kind of the good news is that we we've we're learning we have the tools you know this is not so when it happens again yeah it may be a different of circumstances but it's the same dynamic it's the same issue and it may be the other person's issue instead of yours but i but i think what we need to understand is, what I'm trying to understand is that, especially as the husband, like when Mrs.

Jones has an issue and she's upset about something, is it really my responsibility to fix that?

or if it is what percentage of that is that you know because when i go upstairs to get somebody's jacket or to get something and then and then she walks like you like you all were saying and i went upstairs to get somebody's jacket or to get something and then and then she walks like you like you all were saying and i went upstairs to get something she lost sight of me she came upstairs and i'm kissing somebody i was just going up oh yeah there's that i was going up there i was going up there because she asked me to get her uh a hair tie right no i'm messing with you i'm i was going upstairs to get a headband and then i ran into this attractive woman who wanted to kiss me and i wanted to kiss her and then you came up rude not to and then but but in your mind you're like oh where did he go like what is he up to and then you you walked in behind that, and your perception is that.

Right. Yeah, so the point, though, is that that situation isn't anything that either one of us really were intent. Neither one of us created the situation. But again, meeting that, finding that willingness in your heart to say, okay, well, she's batshit crazy this morning. But at least acknowledging the fact that I didn't really say that. I was just thinking it. I know, right? Like, and I honestly don't blame you. But the fact of the matter was, I was not okay the next morning. And, and just acknowledging that and saying, okay, well, okay, that didn't work.

What are we going to do different next time um just to help me get over that whatever that trigger was clearly there was a trigger right um you know neither one of us are going to have fun if this keeps happening again and again and again right so we're gonna have to find a way to keep the triggers from kicking in and that that's that in between this. Yeah. And I agree. I agree that the triggers and understanding where the triggers are are very important. But I think where we've gotten to is acknowledging where the triggers are and where they're coming from.

But then also owning that as your shit. Yes.

shit yes like yes i got caught up in being burdened by that like okay how am i gonna fix it for him like what do i need to do so that he does not feel that right and then he got caught up in feeling burdened by the fact that i was feeling burdened by it and then he felt guilty about and all this back and forth and that's where we realized you know each of us have to own our own shit right like you've got to deal with your issues and your triggers and i've got to deal with my need to compensate and fix it and the opposite like it goes both ways yes because each of us have to grow as individuals and we can't fix it for each other because sometimes trying to fix it we're just perpetuating the issue right and it doesn't make it any easier we're thinking we're helping right we're not because you still have to learn those lessons exactly like in the end you still have to grow whatever is at the heart of that issue is going to keep coming out sideways until you work through it.

And that's true because we're not supposed, you know, we had an issue, Ms. Njigaza and I, where she said, well, I'm just going to limit myself of doing X. And that's not what I wanted. I don't want her to limit X. I want her to, I have an issue. Let's work with that issue.

It's not your limitation wanted i don't want her to limit x i want her to i have an issue let's work with that issue it's not your limitation it's my limitation how do i work with it don't just limit yourself because what we need to work with i'm on i'm owning my shit but i need your help in fixing my shit not well not fixing but let me deal with it so we can make it better but it's not it's not a matter of you limiting yourself i would have to continue to be myself for you to be able to work through correct otherwise correct and i think i think that's the in between right that's the in between that's the give and take right where you can meet your spouse in the middle of their comfort zone and your issues?

And where do you find that place where you kind of work in between? And that's the uncomfortable spot. That's a beautiful spot. And you know what? The six of us are several days or weeks beyond these instances. So we can talk about it logically and rationally. But when you're going... Are you saying I'm not rational in the moment? So what I'm saying, did somebody say something?

What I'm saying is that when you're in the moment, there's no clear definition of what happened, who's at fault, who's to blame, what the triggers were, where where did it come from but to have the trust in your relationship and and trust yourself to be give yourself some time breathe through it let a day or two go by do some self-examination breathe in breathe out move on yes yes so you know i think that's what that's why it's a it's easier for the six of us to sit and talk about this tonight is because that's in the past.

But the reality of it is when you're going through it, you don't have the advantage of looking back and reflecting.

So it is going to feel like he did something to hurt me or she did something intentionally to hurt me or that other person that was kissing my spouse did this that's going to be the instinct but now we know that when once we get beyond that and we cool down and we think about it we talk about it that it's really and may dance i don't remember the words you used it's like digging digging down into the cause of what it is and that really takes cool heads some distance between the event itself and the ability for you as a couple to set that incident out in front of you and attack it instead of attacking each other and well you know like we're all like you said earlier um the six of us are leaving in about a week to go to desire for a week and and that's an intense experience it's it's like it's truly the happiest place on earth for grown-ups right but it's also a really intense experience you're skipping ahead on the outline but that's a good point see like no go ahead your pull of points just suck no go ahead um i i you know so we you you have to learn from the experience and move on like we don't we don't have time to like meander and wallow you know you you have to kind of like pick yourself up by your bootstraps put your big girl panties and and big boy panties on and move on and be smarter about it the next time.

Yeah. And so I think as we wrap up, what we normally do is we'll do a podcast before our desire trip. I think this is the perfect topic before an intense vacation. No, I think it is. No, this is not how we sell these vac vacations but no we did one a few years ago on seven sexy swingers sins or whatever that was no but what i'm saying is that there is probably a very good chance that regardless of how smart we are or people smart how people think we're smart we're going to go to desire for seven days And there's going to be some sort of an issue that we have to deal with during that week.

Come on, babe. But I think what we're trying to tell people is that it's not all glamorous. It's not all about fun. And I mean, that's part of it. But the reality is when we're getting ready to go away for seven days, we've observed other people on vacation looking like they're not having fun, right? I know, I know. And it's sad because you invest so much energy and financial resources and time off and arranging for kids and dogs and cats and this and that and the other and the theme nights.

And then you get there and then you're so stressed out because you're trying to make it the perfect vacation when sometimes you just have to ride it out and just exist for a hot minute. Yeah, the reality is you're probably going to have to deal with somebody's shit during the week.

And I i think there should be comfort in knowing that all of us are gonna go through that well i just i just had it happen last time so this will be your time thank you well i'm i'm gonna pass yeah i'm gonna kick that can down the road so before we close out first of all i wanted to thank our friends for being here but do you all have any like closing thoughts or words of wisdom for the people who are who are listening and hearing all of these horrible stories that we're telling them this is mistintrigals i think one of the things that i learned when i when i started hearing the podcast and attending the men's chat was that one of the most important thing was communication uh and at that moment so i i you know i would nod my head and go okay yes communication communication but by god that is so true um it is something that that if you do not have good communication with your partner it it's not going to work because everything that's going to pop up from your normal life, and if you don't know how to deal with it, it's just going to make it worse.

But yes, communication, I think it's the most important thing.

Yeah, and if you think about it, we're talking about communicating after there is hard feelings about you or your partner being with another person and sharing a kiss or sharing something sexual so all of a sudden family and money money and day-to-day shit isn't that big of a deal anymore i mean it is a big deal i don't mean that but it really does put it into context that these things in life that we thought were really, really big, now all of a sudden, wow, now I'm talking about my relationship with the person that I have trust and that I love.

Then everything else that we talk about in life is not as big of a deal. Which I think is a good thing. Yeah. Like it takes the focus off the arguments over finances or whatever. Not that those aren't valid, but now all of a sudden you're getting to the very heart of everything. I just add that the takeaway for me that I would say to anyone is to trust yourself and trust your partner.

because that you don't have the basis to actually have that kind of communication like these are very sensitive topics these a lot of times when people are hurt and injured emotionally you know it takes a lot of trust to be able to open up and to express that kind of vulnerability. And you can't do that unless you trust yourself and trust your partner. And I think that is like the basis of what can take you through these difficult circumstances.

and you talked about that this afternoon about that trust and and what it really comes down to is as we are growing as individuals you have to trust your partner to let them express themselves so whatever comes out of their mouths you have to be willing to to hear it and accept it and not judge it and not respond to it because this person that you thought you knew or you think you know is growing and is discovering new things about themselves and that can be scary to your part to you as the partner but if you don't trust that they're not doing it to hurt you, there's no intention behind that.

It's just that, oh my gosh, I'm discovering these things about myself because as a man, I was taught this. As a husband, I was taught this. As a Christian, I was taught this. As a son, I was taught this. And all of a sudden, we're learning all of these new things. And And sometimes if we come across as being transforming in a certain way, that's scary for our partner, right? Well, I mean, like I said earlier, it's like, be careful what you wish for. I'm so excited to see you kind of like come out of your shell and you're just, you know, you're really...

Now you're trying to push me back in that shell i know i know right but you know especially after like all the crap we've been through this year with your health like just it watching you enjoy yourselves and and like you know we've just had so many funny moments like in nashville and at our halloween like with women, like flirting with you and you're holding court, like in the back of the party bus. Like, what the hell was going on back there? You were on the pole. So you're judging me.

I was on the pole and I had like the perfect vantage point to take a picture of you in the back of the party bus with ladies all around you. I have the photographic evidence. Whatever.

But, you know, so wish for because like i've always wanted you to like like understand like what an amazing person you are because i am your biggest cheerleader i think you're the greatest thing since peanut butter like i don't like to say that most days because you know bites me in the butt but fortunately i got the record i know you do but but I do think you're an amazing human and I love to watch other women appreciate you as I appreciate you. But then at the same time, I end up like a little hurt puppy that got his tail stepped on.

I'm in the back in the corner of the room, like whimpering and you're not noticing. That's the thing is like, you don't notice when i'm like sucking my thumb in the corner of the room right because you're kissing pretty ladies right which is what i want you to do so like what the hell do you even do with that hot mess getting a conclusion i know there i'm sure there's about four dozen therapists out there ready to email me and say, I think we need to talk. It's complicated. It's complicated. I know. That's the conclusion. Yes. All I know is you didn't look like a hurt puppy.

You and Maydance were in front of me on the pole with two other lovely ladies. She was the girl I was on the pole with, yes. Yes, that is indeed true. I didn't even look back. I had no idea where Mr. Jones or anybody else was at that Jones or anybody else that's what I tell Mrs.

Jones is that you're not missing me when you're having fun with another gentleman but all of a sudden when you're by yourself you you are it wasn't another gentleman I was having fun with it was the lady across the desk here yes I hurt my shoulder on the party bus this is what happens when you're 59 and you try to have fun on a party bus and you stand up like we went around a corner i'm holding on to like the bar at the top and like i wrenched my shoulder and then we swung around and i hit my hip on something and i had like a softball size bruise for like two weeks no regrets no regrets my shoulder healed the bruise hopefully will be gone before we go to desire funnest funnest party bus ever so anyway we're gonna stop this podcast because the six of us could go on and i've got to go to the bathroom and we got to get in the hot tub um but but to close out you know uh let's circle back everyone has to own their own shit and it's so easy when you're in the middle of something to want to blame somebody else instead of to look inward I don't know.

let's circle back everyone has to own their own shit and it's so easy when you're in the middle of something to want to blame somebody else instead of to look inward and i think that what we're saying is that even though external forces may cause you to feel this way that the first place you should look is inward like why am i feeling this way and owning that and then not and thank you, and not stifling it or holding it in, but communicating it out in a relationship where you have somebody that you trust, you know, that you feel like I can let this out and they're not going to judge me or they're not going to tell me I told you so or any of this stuff.

Okay. Well, welcome back. Um, that was our conversation with Mr. And Mrs. Integrados and Maydance and Michael. Yeah. Um, hopefully you all enjoyed it. We'd love to get your feedback. Um, and I, and I don't think we need to spend a lot of time here wrapping things up. Um, but, but I think in closing, you know, nobody is immune to this. And, you know, at the outset, Mrs. Jones, we talked about, um, especially all of our friends headed to desire because we're going to be together for five or six or seven or eight days. Right.

And, you know, the chances are pretty good that you're going to have a little bit of a i mean especially when you get tired it's day four it's day five and you know something could happen in your to disrupt your trip somebody could get triggered on something but you know hopefully what it is is we've been able to talk about how to get through that number one and you don't have to pack your bags and go home no and you know what i do like especially on a trip like desire because that's such a treat you know it's an extravagant vacation you know you plan all year for it you've shopped for it and you know you're down there in this amazing environment and then i end up like getting upset about something and i'm like this is ridiculous like i'm in the best vacation ever and then i try to power through and i try to like bury it and that's really stupid because you know me well enough to know when i'm off yeah you know and and you know i keep talking about it but you have your moments too maybe i'm just more willing to to say that i can be a hot mess sometimes.

I don't know. But, um, it's just better if I go ahead and talk to you about it right away. And I think, um, I think one of the things you and I are committing to next week is to have breakfast for two every morning because we just need that time, especially because we host, you know, we, we do chatter a lot with people and we love it. Um, but then we can kind of lose sight that, you know, we've got to manage our personal vacation too. Um, so that's one thing that we've committed to.

And, um, I'm hoping that that'll help because if there is something bothering you or something bothering me, we powering through and waiting until we get home is really not smart. We just kind of need to address it and nip it in the bud, so to speak, right? All right. So our homework is that we will report back in our next podcast. Well, maybe not our next podcast because we'll be recording from desire. But we'll tell you how the debriefing sessions went and whether we had any issues. Yeah. Send us some positive energy next week. No, I'm kidding. We're going to have a great time.

So we are wrapping up 102. If you are interested in emailing us or contacting us, you can do so at our website, which is wegotathing.com. You can email me at mrjones at wegotathing.com. Or me at mrsjones at wegotathing.com. You can email me at mrjones at wegotathing.com. Or me at mrsjones at wegotathing.com. You can follow us on Twitter at wegotathing. And we also have a presence on Cassidy and SDC. And Pinterest. We are Mr. and Mrs. Jones and We Got a Thing. What's your thing? We'll see you next time.