Swinging Lifestyle + Hotwife Lifestyle Podcast - Wanderlust Swingers Podcast
Today we’re interviewing Jem and Daz, UK Swingers that seem like any other couple. They have kids, they go to the gym together, they lead normal lives. But that relationship was broken according to Jem and Daz and Swinging Saved Their Relationship.
Swinging Saved Our Relationship - UK Swingers
We’ve all heard creators, bloggers, podcasters… random swingers on the sidewalk give the advice not to enter the lifestyle if your relationship or relationship is suffering ‘’don’t swing unless you have a good foundation’’, ‘’don’t swing to save your relationship."
Let's break down the taboo
The Ups and Downs of the Swingers Lifestyle
Let's talk about the realities of swinging. It's not always smooth sailing. How do you navigate the highs and lows?
Links for this episode
Jem and Daz Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jemanddaz
Jem and Daz Twitter https://twitter.com/jemanddaz
Jem and Daz TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@jem.daz
Shameless Care, STi Testing and ED Medication for the lifestyle (use code Libertine for $30 off) https://shamelesscare.com/?ref=Libertine
Casual Toys (use code Wanderlust for 15% off) https://www.casualtoys.com/
Swingers Events
We've got a brand new webpage with the global swingers events listed that we are hosting, attending or recommend. If you're looking for Swingers Events around the world, head over to our website https://www.swingingdownunder.com/swingers-events/
Support us
Wanna help us out and support the show? We would love you to consider supporting us on Patreon from only $1 a month you’ll get access to exclusive content and live podcasts. Join us www.patreon.com/swingingdownunder
Visit our website for videos, blogs, podcasts, newsletters and swinging lifestyle resources. https://www.swingingdownunder.com
Love, Peace and Respect
C D
Transcript
You're listening to the Wanderlust Swingers Podcast with Aussie hosts, Kate and Daryl. If you're curious about exploring your sexuality or the swinging, hot-wifing, and non-monogamous lifestyle, you've definitely come to the right podcast. Or maybe you just love travel adventures. Either way, we share our personal, sometimes juicy, sexy stories as well as Swingers Club and event reviews, interviews with other sassy people and of course our global swinging adventures. We try to bring you a look into the diverse lifestyle that the swinging and non-monogamous community has.
We hope you enjoy, now let's get into the episode. G'day everyone, welcome back to another episode of the Wanderlust Swingers. I am joined by Jem and Daz. Welcome to the show guys. Hi. Hi. Thanks for having us. Thank you for having us. Now, if you haven't caught by that very, very small amount of accent that you just had there, Jem and Daz are actually a couple from the UK, so we're going to see how much slang they bring into the show today. Today's episode, a little bit clickbaity in the title because we really do want to cover quite a taboo thing actually.
So we're going to say swinging saved our relationship and we're going to dig in to Jem and Daz's history, their journey. Like any other couple, they have got kids, they go to the gym together, lead totally normal lives, but they say that their relationship was broken, according to Jem and Daz, and Swinging saved their relationship. So as we kind of get started in the episode, guys, maybe can you share a little bit about your background? We obviously said you're from the UK. Who are Jem and Daz? So we're from Bournemouth in the UK. I am 43. Yeah, I'm 40.
I'm the older older one we've been together for 10 years now and got into swinging four years ago yeah yeah that's a little bit about us like i said kids we've got kids uh we go to the gym regularly and uh yeah lead pretty normal lives yeah where did you guys meet did you actually meet on the dating side or do you meet traditionally somewhere out at a pub how'd that happen we met on tinder yeah i love asking people with a relationship somewhere in the last 10 years like how did you guys kind of stumble upon each other and i love it when people like tinder especially if they're swingers because then i'm like oh good you know all about the apps like you're all over it how to put your best foot forward it was dad's chat up line that got me so he was into wakeboarding at the time and surfing and his little line on his on his profile if you date me expect to get wet nice super cheesy every time now you said you go to the gym a lot together you've got the kids my question is how do you balance family life we don't have children we've got a little fur baby that's that's really enough for us and to be honest that's even really hard to to manage so how do you guys kind of maintain that healthy balance between the swingers lifestyle your own sexy time and then having you know family commitments work commitments yeah we've got two fur babies as well yeah two dogs yeah so four children all together then yeah it's definitely balance is key isn't it I think for us we have to plan we've got diary and we should say Gemma plans yeah I'm the planner I say sync my calendar with hers and just go oh I've got to do that today I'll look a'll look a date somewhere.
Yeah. What are we doing here? What have you booked us in for now? No, we, we always, I always plan ahead. So when there's events going on or have a look and like, if it's a big event that we want to go to, I'll book it in the diary so we can get, you know, childcare, but yeah, planning ahead. It's time to plan about three months ahead.
So we'll look three look three months and sort of say okay what are three events that we want to try and get to and we're generally always booked up like that so there's no kind of surprise is there some last minute things someone will say something's going on and yeah we can fit it in we fit it in but there's nothing worse than missing out on like the event of the year because you didn't plan properly for it. Yeah, proper FOMO. Yeah, you've got no one to look after the kids. That's true. We actually just, we're now planners. We have historically been very spare of the moment people.
And just before I jumped on today's call with you guys, I just booked a weekend over in the Champagne region in France in May. So I feel very far planned in advance at the moment. Yeah, that is.
I know, moment i know right i'm giving myself like a little pat on the back here what's it so what's a typical day for you to getting up going to breakfast looking after the kids going to definitely no breakfast get up go to the gym yeah so we'll get up together we go to the gym uh that's the first thing we do come back get the kids ready for school breakfast um for them normally breakfast for me come to coffee or something for jen dad gets angry if he doesn't eat food yeah and then usually like social media work sometimes content work for only fans yeah depending on what we're what we've got planned that day but um I do a bit of coaching as well so I have some coaching clients that I'll do like zooms with and then always try to get a ride in on my horse get a ride in all sorts of riding and I'll take the dogs with me and then we usually we'll have dinner as a family don't we at the end of the day but yeah that's kind of a typical day isn't it yeah we're more like we're saying this the other day as we've got older we've become morning people we think which yeah I never wanted to be morning people yeah but now we're like get the bath done in the morning and then by the time the evening so I'll often get back from work later stuff sort of start later and then the evening we've got a bit of time to just sort of cuddle and relax without having to respond to too much stuff now we spoke about what we wanted to talk about on the the show today and one of the things that we did want to table was that swinging saved your marriage, and I said to you, this is going to be great because you often hear creators, bloggers, podcasters, I'm probably, I've been guilty of it, I mean, we've got, I think, 250 hours of content here, so you'll probably, if you went through the depths and bowels of my episodes, you've probably heard me talk about it, which is the old cliche of don't join the lifestyle to save your relationship.
Don't join the lifestyle to save your marriage. Don't join the lifestyle if you've got cracks because it's only going to make the cracks bigger and all these things, you know, just basically don't swing. And what you're saying is that that's obviously not the case for the two of you. For the first section, we're going to dig into all of that really.
And I think it's going to be an interesting topic and really put that taboo or that cliche and turn it on its head so you say your relationship is broken that means different things for different people can you maybe explain a little bit about what that meant for you and your relationship probably would say firstly that i would agree with what people are saying they usually say no don't get into the relationship don't get into the lifestyle if you're relationship struggling but we obviously had a solid relationship there beforehand so we'd been swinging for what three years before we kind of hit a real low point in our relationship hadn't we yeah we were starting a new business and we just got totally caught up in business life and the stress of it all and we just had no time for each other and no time to sort of do the the things that made us happy and swinging took a back seat completely and we were a bad place really weren't we we we nearly split up and yeah it was nearly the end and we were just sort of thought what what are we doing you know we've got an amazing relationship we've been through so much together and that's when we decided that we needed to make time for each other and we decided to get back into into swinging and we booked to go to a club event didn't we went along and I think we we didn't even kind of go with like we're going to play with someone we're going to do something we just went along to enjoy the atmosphere and like be with like-minded people and we ended up at the end of the night going off to a room just the two of us and we just reconnected didn't we and we were like this is what we've been missing from our life and now we just reconnected with each other yeah did you have any fear then when you're having this conversation if you've already been having some stress in your relationship and I mean starting a business or working with your partner is incredibly stressful Daryl and I actually cannot work together we've we've said that many times we've realized that yeah it's a big one and but how you know having that conversation then of getting back into the lifestyle after a stressful moment were you worried then about the extra pressure that that might put on like how did you how did that conversation go well we were listening we were listening to a podcast actually weren't we were going to this job that we had and you know it was non-stop and we were listening to a podcast about swinging it was then that we sort of we were like oh what what are we doing you know we just we used to love this we used to like really enjoy it so we chatted about it didn't we and I think we just obviously things weren't great between us but we just knew that we needed to make time for each other and kind of get that connection back and have the fun that we used to have so we just decided we would go with no expectations we sort of hadn't done the kind of big club nights before it was always very kind of private parties wasn't it beforehand and quite a small sort of affair but yeah we didn't have any preconceptions we were just let's just go and do something fun you know forget about the business and work and just go and spend some time with each other and get back to doing what we love so really kind of what you're saying there is having a common goal even though there was problems there you knew that you were both still in it and wanted to then go and explore it and you just mentioned that you were used to smaller parties so what you know maybe share one of your first experiences in the lifestyle and what your initial reaction was when you walked into that and that can be like back then or maybe when you got back into the lifestyle Happy for you to share whatever you like.
The first time we ever went to a swingers club, into that and that can be like back then or maybe when you got back into the lifestyle happy for you to share whatever you like the first time we ever went to a swingers club we were on what's it called fab fab swingers we're not on that site anymore but we were looking at sort of things to go to we found this manor house party didn't we um so that was the first time we ever went to a to a swingers party and we had no idea what we were walking into we were super nervous weren't we Thank you.
um so that was the first time we ever went to a to a swingers party and we had no idea what we were walking into we were super nervous weren't we yeah it was definitely a step outside the norm actually i think we got private message and someone was like i've got this big house and there's a swimming pool we're gonna have this big party so we kind of went yeah i think i think this is what we, you this is what we thought it was like big luxurious parties so we drove down and we were so nervous yeah we went we stopped at the part that was by the place so we were sort of sat drinking beer and doing the whole like should we just go yeah what are we doing let's just go home do it so we've had our beer to give us a little bit of confidence confidence beers yeah i think i have vodka you have yeah so we got down there and obviously other couples were turning up and everyone was really lovely yeah and the guy whose house it was and his partner were really nice as well and they were um they knew it was our first event we'd sort of been honest with them which is such a key thing to do is just let people know if you're kind of new because everyone's going to make the extra effort to kind of yeah usher you in and kind of show you how things work and yeah just make you feel comfortable so so yeah that was great but that i mean it was beautiful that was gorgeous and then they showed us uh the downstairs which was like the sex dungeon that was it the dungeon they were like at nine o'clock the dungeon's gonna open what dungeon though such a sheltered life so nine o'clock comes in there like he's like i'll take down show you show you the dungeon and yeah that was uh as now you know anyone in the sort of lifestyle who's been to kink clubs and that type of thing will know what a sex dungeon it's totally normal for us now but at the time we walked in and it was it was in full swing and obviously the people who were there it wasn't like a newbie event everyone was you know everyone was very experienced in the lifestyle so there wasn't really much i guess small talk before we didn't know where to look it was just like wow what what on earth's going on but got a little bit involved and I got flogged didn't I yeah so Gemma's always had a bit of a king and this is one of the things we'd sort of discussed as we were kind of getting into this lifestyle beyond just the lifestyle kind of things you start to discuss so you know what are your kings what are the kind of things you want to experience and stuff like that and start to discover these things about each other that we didn't really know and one of gems was definitely the snm kind of bondage side of things definitely not because of 50 shades of gray i came out afterwards so they it's a bit tame that's probably their their awakening moment so yeah yeah we knew gem was into that and obviously this dungeon there's a the guy who was a professional kind of dungeon master was experienced in using it's very good it was quite funny because i was in sort of like you know being flogged and das i think he was just stood there i didn't know what to do yeah so he just leant down and whispered in my ear.
He's like, Jem, Jem, I'm going to go and get a drink. I'll leave you to it. I was like, yeah. That's so funny. It's definitely part of the thing. And part of my apprehension before going to any kind of events like that, it's kind of like, what if you find yourself sort of stood there and you're like, I don't know what to do with myself. That was that moment. That was definitely, yeah, we got that out there the first time.
And first time and the answer is just go get yourself another beer i was just picturing you for a second there with the you know the traditional dad stance that you see in hardware stores or whatever they've got the hands behind their back kind of walking around definitely that moment when they came back down so how's that he's done on there so yeah it was uh it was a great experience everyone was lovely and it really made us want to go to more but it was a jump in at the deep ends kind of scenario but yeah we absolutely loved it thought it was brilliant and you know did a little bit of soft swap yeah i was going to point out it was our first event we didn't do anything anywhere near kind of couple swapping or anything like that and we were very clear both of us early on that we wanted to take things very slowly so we just kind of go to events get to know that you know the people and kind of how things work and that first event we had a little kiss with another couple and a little sort of fondle in a jacuzzi and that was it you know that was totally enough for us and we were like wow that was such a big thing we were so super horny we actually went down to the dungeon ourselves.
Everyone had moved out of there at that point too. There was another big room there, and we were like, we'll sneak off downstairs when no one's there. And then we went back to the room, didn't we, after that, at the end of the night, and literally couldn't keep, actually, that's quite a funny story, because you did go back to the room, and I couldn't squirt. Yes. I was so horny. Like, yeah, impressively.
Literally soaked to soaked the bed and we ended up having to sleep on the floor i apologize to this beautiful grade one listed yeah apologize the next morning but i'm really sorry i hope that oak four poster bed wasn't too expensive it's such a wild concept to a lot of people that are probably listening that might not be in the lifestyle that just heard you say we went to a swingers event to reconnect do you know what i mean i think that would be a really wild concept for a lot of people but it's so true you know you said before with spending time with each other with kind of reigniting that spark and and then you went out and did this and then you went back and actually reconnected fabulously so i think yeah people listening if they're not in in the lifestyle, they're like, what the hell?
That doesn't make sense. But if you're in the lifestyle, it's like, yeah, totally. It makes so much sense to a lot of people. Yeah, 100%. And it depends a lot on what you think the underlying issues in a relationship might be. And I think for us, the big thing is always communication.
We tend to, or me specifically, I don't know if it's a male thing or a personality personality thing but i've always tended to be very closed jenna's always kind of asked me you know what do you feel about this which will think of that and i was never able to articulate emotions or have those kind of conversations and one thing getting into the swingers lifestyle forces you to do is become better at communicating and after that first event you know straight away we just started talking better like how did you find that how did you feel and beyond that you kind of then start to find it easier to talk about things in your life i'm worried about money i'm worried that this might not be the right decision i'm worried about the kids you pissed me off you didn't take the pens out so i'm really sorry yeah rather than stewing on it yeah yeah exactly and i but i would used to stew on things really bad yeah and that was one of the big issues that we we were facing in our relationship and that's the thing that we've we've overcome is like we were bad communicators and now we you know talk about everything yeah and we champion it we tell other people it's everything is communication in a relationship and if you go out and you do something like this however far you want to take it one thing it will make you do is find better ways to communicate with each other that's very true yeah absolutely as you've told us then your first story what has been your sexiest memory up until this point now on your on your journey like what did that ultimate play session look like there's so many yeah when you think of the image in your head of like sexy it's like you know james bond and everyone's all very like done up and then everything just naturally becomes very sexy people's clothes just fall to the ground and it's all going on sex is very rarely that sexy is it It's kind of like sweaty and naked and fart noises That's so far That's so far Sex is very rarely that sexy, is it?
It's kind of like sweaty and naked and fart noises. It's like I can be an elbow on a... We've been on the periphery of a lot of kind of experiences that we've just kind of dipped into.
I think for me, probably the most sexiest experience was going back to the very first time that night we were just talking about and that feeling of how horny we were the day after and like because it felt like we'd opened the door to this completely new secret world and that we just wanted more of and like it was the drive home we can keep our hands off each other and we got home and we were like you know at it again we just literally couldn't stop I think for me it was just like wow this is amazing and how much sort of closer you feel to each other and like how sexy you feel I think that's got to be yeah it's definitely sexy in the day after the thing whenever you're in a scenario whether it's a club or just a couple swap at someone's house there's an element of kind of sensory overload there's a lot of emotions happening there's a lot of excitement and it's it's a really exciting thing there's almost like a roller coaster that's true it's not until afterwards where you can kind of really sit down and be like oh that was cool and i really like that and like yeah I feel really kind of desired I've had a really nice kind of reinforcement to my own sort of body image and things like that so yeah it's generally the day after once you've had that opportunity to just let things calm down a little bit and then we kind of look at each other and we're like oh my god you know what you actually look really hot last night and because we've got that relationship confidence and security in each other you know you don't have those same kind of feelings that you have it's a different kind of sex sex with your partner yeah sex in the environment swinging which I'd say is more of a certainly and I don't know if this changes over time but it's more of a thrill ride yeah than it's a kind of intimate sexy experience but it's always that it's that next morning isn't it it's always like when you get back to the hotel in the morning after and then the two of us all have sex and it's just so sort of passionate and like horny and then we'll talk about everything that happened that's that's always the best moment that's it and I know it's this often termed as sort of reclaiming sex right it's like you're kind of getting your partner back and you're like yeah you're mine you're always a hundred times more confident with your partner than you will be with anyone else and yeah for us that sex is the sexy sex yeah as opposed to the experience of swinging and couple swapping, which is more of just an excitement.
On an adventure. It's the sexiest of all the sexy sexes. Okay, good.
I have a little thing here that I like to do on the podcast, which is put everybody on the hot seat so the hot seat is where i might ask you a slightly taboo question slightly something that might be a little bit uncomfortable my question for you today on the hot seat is you you're saying that swinging saved your relationship but how do we know this version of you is going to stick in other words go the go the long the long haul i think that well i don't think i i know that this is going to stick because we're we're the happiest we've ever been i didn't think i could love that as more than i do more than i did but but i do yeah the reconnection that we have now is just it's just amazing we're so intimate with each other and you're so much more tactile with me you know all the little bickers that we just barely do that anymore it's just yeah our relationship was always one of love whilst we were facing those decisions about is this relationship right for us it was never out of a place as we weren't in love with each other yeah we were just struggling to deal with all of these uh external influences and as i said our own sort of emotional intelligence with one another within the relationship now we've kind of overcome those there's not really anything holding us back if we ever came up against the problem now we would head it off before it became a big problem because we're able to talk about it if there ever was a day in the future where one of us said do you know what this isn't kind of i can feel the love waning it would be a conversation we'd have an opportunity to address it now relationships relationships you know certainly marriages aren't the odds 50 50 really yeah i mean speaking so if you're not able to have those conversations you're not giving yourself the best opportunity to to make it a success that's true and i guess you can't really say then that you've tried can you really like if you if you walk away without having these conversations you know you kind of give it up exactly that small problems become the big problems and the big problems are the ones that will end a relationship so you've got to challenge all the small problems as soon as they arise yeah so that you're not left facing a big problem which is ultimately someone saying I don't love you anymore or I've been because it was never that we didn't that we weren't in love with each other we just you know I think just lost lost our way with each other and lost that connection hadn't we and outside influences just were sort of pulling us apart Gem I've got one for you then you just said that you don't bicker as much before but Daz earlier in the episode said that he gets hangry so where are we at with the bickering slash hangry situation I'm assuming there's snacks on hand is that how we're kind of mitigating that risk is that what we're doing always always make sure das is fed if he isn't fed and he doesn't have the snacks it's not good so don't be around him to say we don't bicker is untrue like all couples we bicker we bicker more like i think it's more in a funny way now isn't it whereas before we we bicker and there's been underlying like yeah yeah turn into an argument or like now we can sort of like if something will start we'll laugh at each other yeah small things or before it would be i could say something and there'd be a week's worth of me going i'm sure she's not talking to you i'm getting the silent treatment yeah I mean I could take a long time before I was like talking to me yeah I could go silent for a whole week well it's this thing you said like last week I'd be like what whereas now she'll say straight away like if I speak to her in the wrong way she's like you're not speaking to me correctly yeah it's kind of dealt with there and then and yeah you apologize don't you yeah we can have a bit of time but it's not you know nothing it doesn't drag along yeah everyone kind of knows where they stand and cool now i also like to put you in the hot seat but i like to get you guys to give some gold star advice to our listeners that might be either new to the lifestyle considering the lifestyle so what are some of the key ingredients for you guys that make the lifestyle work as a couple i know you've already said quite a lot you know you said communication you've said just kind of going in and discussing what you want what you want to get out of it does you mentioned even giving you know gems some space during that dungeon session so you've already said a lot of good pieces of information so i don't know how you're going to build on it but my question is what's your gold star piece of advice yeah gold star advice it's definitely understanding what you want to get out of it why are you going into it going very slowly yeah take take things at your own pace i think you can look at other people and think or other couples they're doing that they're doing this we must be doing that but no you've got to do what you feel comfortable with and go at your own pace and yeah and set the Yeah.
And it's a journey. It's a journey that we're still at the very early stages of. Even though we're considered knowledgeable in the lifestyle, we still see ourselves as still just kind of starting to explore these different things. And there's so many avenues with it that we've not even explored yet.
But yeah, it's a journey and take it slowly and enjoy each step of the process there's no need to run in and be thinking well I need to go out and yeah I need to go and do a couple swap we've got to find time to do that like that's such a big step from just initially um exploring what the lifestyle is going to clubs is definitely the best way to sort of get into it and just you know be around those kind of people enjoy the atmosphere and you don't need to go and do something you know you can just play with each other which we do quite a lot you know I think the misconception is that people go and it's just a massive fuck fest which sometimes it might be but you know a lot of times we'll go and we won't do anything with anyone because we haven't sort of found someone that we maybe want to definitely treat it more as a social event and then with the bonus of everyone's kind of everyone kind of knows what everyone's lifestyle background is so there's the potential there for things to escalate if you want them to but first and foremost it's a social lifestyle to us it's meeting people as we are developing really good friendships it's kind of getting to see the same people at different events and and just enjoying the time with people who are just fun and free and open-minded and how to kind of let their hair down and have honest conversations which you don't sort of get in Wetherspoons.
Oh, poor spoons. Maybe you do get that conversation in Wetherspoons. Oh, well, you never know. Maybe, yeah. We've had a lot of conversation about the positives, the communication, how we've done well.
I want to continue kind of this thread in the section two here, which is kind of the ups and downs of swinging and and the realities of it it's not always smooth sailing we know that we've kind of discussed some of that always but you know how do we how do we as as lifestyles navigate those those ups and downs those challenges that we face one of my first questions is can you recall a moment when jealousy might have crept in and how you managed to navigate through that individually and then you know collectively as a couple yeah I would definitely say in terms of jealousy that's going to come more from my end than Gemma's Gemma doesn't tend to get so jealous I get a bit turned on by the jealousy yeah and Gemma's always thing where the jealousy for her is a signifier that she kind of wants you so she's like if i'm if she's feeling jealous of me with a girl it's because then her attraction levels for me are going up um for me it's i guess an instinct as a male to kind of be protective of gemma and be like no other males can come near her so there is an element of kind of overcoming that early on again we haven't had any major problems i would say let's see definitely i will veto people so anytime there can be any kind of couple swap action for either of us it has to be approved by both of us it's a kind of like are you into it you into it yes yes i tend to be more like that guy like no this guy oh what's he it's got a good set of abs no not to it so you're kind of heading it off before it gets bigger yeah exactly as soon as i can feel the kind of like insecurity coming in i'm like that could be a problem so we sort of stop it for me if there's any kind of couple swap action i have to meet the guys i have to get along with them there has to be a real connection between me and them that i trust them enough to be like i can be in that scenario and i'm not gonna have jealousy afterwards i'm not trying to put you always on the spot here das but my when you see jealousy or when it kind of starts creeping in or you're triggered by something you mentioned abs there but is it is it always more of a physical thing or is it sometimes more of a oh that that you know that gentleman is making jim laugh so much what are your triggers do you think yeah it's definitely to be fair it's not a physical thing at all that would trick me but yeah it's more i would say it's more an attitude thing if a guy is going to kind of come into our world and into our circle then there has to be a strong element of respect and that's definitely something that goes through the whole sort of swinging lifestyle if I'm not feeling like there is enough respect there for the scenario for what's happening or there's almost like a sense of entitlement like hey I know what I'm doing so you can just leave me with your missus mate and you can kind of go like straight away that's not going to work uh and they're going to be red flags and jemma won't necessarily know it so some suave guy sweeps in he's kind of chatting to her and i'm getting that vibe then i'm straight away i'll go to jem and be like sorry like i'm just not that's not happening yeah and it's it's not a physical thing but it's a it's a vibe people talk about vibe all the time in the lifestyle and it's if i get that certain vibe of lack of respect or an air of entitlement then uh it's not for you all good thank you for sharing and by the way jim just so you know the the feeling turned on with the jealousy side of it there is a um a very well known sexologist her name is dr is Dr.
Jess O'Reilly, and she actually gets and talks about this quite often. You might be interested in following her on Instagram and stuff, but she talks about getting very turned on when she's jealous of her partner or another lady. Oh, yeah. So she talks about that a lot because I think that not only when we talk about jealousy, it's quite a negative reaction, you know, whereas the way that she talks about it is it makes me horny when I'm jealous.
And i don't know dr jess o'reilly have a look at her on our social media i will that sounds amazing yeah yeah so that you're so you're not alone there you go see i'm not crazy well we didn't say that we said you're not alone no i said that and now i know a little bit of uh i've got some insight from jem on this one and again poor daz you just you're just getting hammered here buddy actually well that's a very good pun let's talk about drinking too much in an event we all i think have had a little bit too much sauce some some you know liquid courage in the past and and maybe haven't you know acted appropriately or performed appropriately or whatever what happened with with you I guess when we first got into the lifestyle and certainly at some of the bigger events I was there's still a sort of mentality of a kind of going out mentality for me or this certainly was early on yeah which is like hey we're all here we're all having drinks things like that yeah we would always probably have a couple of drinks um just to kind of loosen up and things like that there's a there's a limit And there's a limit for me where I will go from loosening up drinks to like out out drinks yeah your limit and when you talk about those triggers and jealousy responses and things like that it's very quickly heightened by alcohol oh yeah now we're so strict now with our drinking at events because of this it's never caused an issue but it certainly meant we've had experience where we had one experience where i'm kind of i'm struggling with it with what was going on so nothing was happening but we had the potential to kind of jump in with some couples of some group stuff going on and because of the alcohol i'm just struggling to process it and jem can sort of see that and jem's totally relaxed and like oh this is fun we're kind of going with the flow Jem's very good at recognizing in me when I'm not comfortable and she's pretty quickly gone like you're not all right with this are you and I'm just like no because of that guy and you're kind of like I think you like him and I'm like and Jem's like you've had a few too many drinks off we go let's take ourselves out of the situation like a great night this is sort of later on kind of 11 12 o'clock we've had a great night like let's let's go it was a situation that nothing happened but one of those situations where you recognize things go very quickly can go wrong when alcohol is involved you are not able to control those emotional responses yeah yeah.
The, I actually empathize with this a lot because this is actually something that happens to me. You will get sober Kate and here's my emotional output to a scenario. And then you will get tipsy wine Kate. And then there's a couple of versions of tipsy wine Kate. There's shit face tipsy wine Kate.
And then somewhere between that that version there's a completely almost childish reaction to emotional inputs and we actually have a couple of counselors that specialize in non-monogamy and the way she explains it is she says your amygdala's flipped like and at that point once you get that emotional reaction your amygdala flips and then there's really no logical brain then that's fucking it for the night you know what I mean and you're right it just kind of escalates and unless your partner you know it depends on how Jem's reaction so that's going to be too if her reaction of one is like but I was really excited and I really wanted to play with these people then you're going to really fly off the handle so yeah I totally um I definitely know exactly what you're talking about and I can tell you there have been moments over our journey in the past 10 years where I've had too much and I've had a completely emotional reaction.
I wake up the next morning and I'm like, why did I do that? I feel that way. Yeah, you do that too. It's funny you hearing that there's two versions because there's definitely two versions for Daz. There's the version that he's just said about where he gets a bit jealous and there's the funny version as well. Yeah. The crazy jealous version. The version that's just like child mind. And it's just running around and having the best time ever. Not always the most welcome. No. So I think we're trying to take it really serious. But you did actually, you took some performance enhancing, some Viagra.
And when you drank a little bit too much, and then because he was like loud, funny, tipsy, he started saying, how big is erection? How big is dick look? And like, oh God, no, time to go. We were in a group room, but we were playing alone in a kind of corner somewhere. But I was sort of stood up on the bed and kind of swinging it around and being like, wow, look at the size of that. It's time to go. I would love to witness that. I'm sort of like, oh, sorry, mate. I've got a bit on your lice. Yeah. So Jen was like, we need to take us out. Okay.
If that happens again though, Jen, before you leave, can you just come and get me just so I can spend five minutes witnessing? Of course I mean this kind of really leads a bit well into the next question with alcohol you also have a tendency to up your boundaries right you've gone in with this very clear set of boundaries you've agreed upon them you've spoken about desires, what you want to get out of the evening, you've had some drinks and they go out the window.
So with your boundaries, is there anything that you thought you were comfortable with, you got into a scenario and then you found it extremely challenging? How did you handle it?
Yeah, we got involved in an orgy and so we started playing, the two of us of us all good but there were some people that we didn't know very well and we always like to kind of like we were saying before we like to have that connection and and you know get to know them before you know anything else happens and it was sort of at the point where people started moving around and I could feel that Daz was getting really uncomfortable because i could just read him so well we don't even always need our code word i just know and i was like you okay he's like no no i'm not and i was like come on let's go and i think the main thing whenever that kind of happens is just take yourself out of the situation yeah definitely we'd sort of we definitely knew we were kind of pushing limits and we sort of said let's just kind of jump in and see what because again you know people talk about hey there's this orgy it's a bit like what does that mean like what's happening like how's everyone pairing off like so let's just kind of go and sit in there and see what's kind of happening and then because at the start you were not up for it and then like because you said about boundaries and then a bit later on he was like yeah do you know what let's do it i was like oh okay then but yeah i definitely started to see this kind of like oh okay this is kind of and i don't think this is the same uh i guess it changes from orgy to orgy and people agree beforehand what the rules are or they don't but you could see with this it was kind of like more of an open swot and we were kind of like oh okay we don't know some of these people we're not comfortable doing this so so we took out ourselves out now the awkwardness is always that kind of like hey sorry guys like and afterwards we were sort of sat there obviously um everyone was still going and we were discussing like how what should we say to them should we say like we didn't feel very well or like how do you overcome that embarrassment and I said well let's just be honest yeah so this is what this lifestyle is all about everyone's really understood let's just be honest so they kind of came out we knew some of them some of them are sort of good friends anyway and they're kind of like hey is everything okay guys I mean we said we just said yeah we just weren't feeling it we started to feel a bit uncomfortable and took ourselves out of the situation and the reassurance from them they're so i'm so glad you did that yeah they'd much rather you took yourself out of the situation you're not comfortable with yeah than just stayed in it to try and appease people who are around you which is the worst thing it's very difficult once you do something that you're not happy with you can't take it back so yeah isn't that also a wild concept though you were worried about saying no to sex with people because you're worried about feeling awkward like it's it's such a and i feel this way all the time because i'm also quite a people pleaser and i'm just like but it's also my body and i'm about to let somebody do something to my body and i'm feeling awkward or apologetic about not letting them do that like how what do we how are we humans how do we actually even live day-to-day is just beyond me about this stuff I'm glad you were honest though and I'm glad that they accepted it because I was about to say if they didn't accept it um fuck fuck them but don't fuck them exactly yeah not literally no but that's great and I think you're right about the orgy situation too I remember I want to say it was in our first year of the lifestyle and I think we did a podcast episode about it actually because there was a potential for an orgy and we were kind of slightly maybe into a few couples in there and say there was eight couples and we thought okay we like four of the couples and we had a big conversation about how do we reject the other four if they come over and you're like kind of not really keen you know and that's that's an awkward thing and i think now one of the ways we do it is we actually have a circle of consent at the very very beginning but you're right in some of those club environments when everything's just kind of a little bit more fluid it's kind of tough to just yeah mid play just be like yeah you yes you yes um sorry you're off you're you're on the bench buddy you're not getting any play yeah it is rough move along yeah it is difficult we've always been very strong in terms of being like let's we're never going to put ourselves in a situation we're not happy with with that orgy situation by coming away and having a chat about it if we sort of come away and go actually like you're okay yeah i'm okay with it you can always jump back in yeah but give yourself that moment to step away and just you know reaffirm are you happy with what's happening if there's any sort of doubt there'll be another day like you don't need to kind of uh take another day another orgy tomorrow oh it's only wednesday yeah yes we've got time yeah so uh but yeah and again that was another another sort of valuable learning experience for us that it's like it's okay to just um take yourself out of a scenario it's okay to say no absolutely now you just mentioned before in particular reference to this orgy that a few of the people in there were quite good friends of yours or friends that you've kind of built up over the over the course of your journeys let's talk about that let's talk about the positives that people don't think about the lifestyle community what's your thoughts on it how do you feel about it yeah we love it we love the fact that i think you know the misconception is it again it's just people having a fuck fest but no it is more it is the community you know you make all these new connections you make new friends and it's it's so nice because once you sort of you think you want to get into the lifestyle you sort of think oh am I the only one you know we're the only couple yeah no there's you know there are so many people and it's just meeting like-minded people and then creating those new friendships it's it's brilliant we love it yeah definitely I think we'd sort of got to a I know there is an age but we certainly got to a point in life where we sort of like the friends we've got around so we have really close type friends that we've known for a long time but the friends groups just get smaller and smaller we're not socializing as much and things like that and we were sort of missing that connection with with people just on a social level and people who were kind of like-minded with us and we started being being more and more like, we're not quite like everyone else.
Like, there are things we think and do and ways that we feel that we can't relate to a lot of people that we know through work and things like that, for instance. So by getting into the lifestyle, suddenly it was that breath fresh air. Like, oh, there's so many people like us.
they're all here yeah and we didn't know that because we had no way of connecting there wasn't the social media platforms and things that there are available now so yeah it was um it was going out to events and building whatsapp groups and now we've just connected so many different people in so many different groups it's a whole new world isn? It is. And it's lovely people. We look forward to each event. We're going to see another group of like, oh, yeah, we're going to see them. And in fact, one of the things we're trying to do now is find more obscure events because it's becoming too much.
Like everyone's just going and having the same parties, which is great.
But we're like, oh, we're not meeting anyone else at else at the moment yeah you definitely have to kind of reach out and make sure you're expanding that uh social circle that's so true as i think you just said it might be an age thing i i honestly think it is because i think we start to really appreciate the energy that we put into certain tasks people relationships and as you say you grow and people kind of move and adapt and it's not that there's any bad blood between people but you know where there's only a certain amount of time in the day and there's only a certain amount of energy that you can put into something and then i think when you are putting energy into an area where you're like actually no i don't want to do that anymore i want to put it over here and and you know it feels better it's like a more fruitful kind of relationship uh back up back on the hot seat for the two of you so get your buns ready we've spoken about your passion for the for the going to the gym I think that's great for a few reasons obviously it's very healthy but I see you doing it on Instagram as a couple as well and so I think it's great that you both share that passion together and it's your time away from work from family to connect and that sort of stuff but of course with sharing this kind of a journey and sharing you know a fitter body on social media you're gonna get a lot of negativity come from it and a very common saying in the lifestyle is that we're not kind of a journey and sharing you know a fitter body on social media you're going to get a lot of negativity come from it and a very common saying is in the lifestyle is that we're not Ken and Barbie you know we're just your average couple so my question is do you come against that people kind of taking shots at you or assuming your your personalities are a certain way because of your physical appearance and then how do you guys deal with you know trying to be more inclusive and showing people that you're you know greater than the sum of your body parts I think with, you know, trying to be more inclusive and showing people that you're, you know, greater than the sum of your body parts?
I think firstly, you know, we want to have good bodies and we want to make ourselves look good because it makes us feel good. Like mentally, it makes us feel really good. And, you know, anybody can can do it if they want to. But I think as, you know, answering that part of the lifestyle, we we are attracted to people that, you know, don't necessarily have amazing bodies because they've got an amazing personality and you just connect with them with their energy and on a different level. So, you know, definitely they don't have to look, you know, have the perfect body and have the perfect face.
It is it is about about that connection with people for us the whole gym thing and that was something that we'd always sort of done so that was kind of a part of us it's never something we did to please anyone else we did it for each other and for ourselves and then kind of got into the lifestyle one we when we decided yeah let's kind of be open about this and kind of put ourselves out there we did think if we did more fitness stuff we would probably get more attention for it we didn't see that as a bad thing because we thought any attention we're bringing to this lifestyle any people we're kind of converting and showing that it's okay is a good thing because potentially people might look at us and kind of go oh cool like those guys that's how they live and it's not the image that i thought i had of what swinging would be so we only see it as as a positive uh in terms of like jen said when we go to clubs and things like that there's always going to be a total variety of different types of people and body shapes and one of the great things with this lifestyle is the body positivity element of it every woman can't comment on the guys but every woman looks beautiful when they kind of strip down to their fanciest lingerie and that's the really great thing and so many times we've been at events I've chatted to women who have been new to the scene who are like I feel I don't feel confident you know so many beautiful women around yeah yeah and just the support that they get from people who are like are you joking like you're stunning you look amazing and pretty quickly like you can just see the confidence come out of them and that's one of the reasons that a lot of people are into the lifestyle is because of that there is nothing that will give you a bigger boost to self-confidence than go into an event where everyone's essentially kind of stripped down to their bare minimum and it's like hey this is who I am you will feed off that confidence you'll come away glowing as I say regardless of whether you explore the whole couple swap side of it it's much more than that it's much more about people just feeling great with with who they are and confident in communicating and confident with their own sexuality yeah being unapologetically themselves but you did just say when people are stripped down to their fancy lingerie so what happens though when people leave the lingerie back at the pre-venue and don't actually take it to the club who would do such a thing you can imagine yeah yes lingerie back at the pre venue and don't actually take it to the club.
Who would do such a thing? You can imagine. Yeah. Yes. I left my lingerie sex bag at the hotel. I got the blame for that. You did. You were in charge of it. It was your responsibility. It was me running around going, we need to find the lingerie. Code red. That's a really fond memory. Yeah.
Sort of very kindly got it back back for us i'll just have to say on that note that um has been one of our favorite our favorite events actually hotel takeover thank you absolutely love that i just love the little memories like that that are totally outside of what you expect to really take away from an event and one of my core memories of that is like not only you coming down to the reception area and being like well fuck you know I've got to go back to the hotel and then us getting it and then the on the other end of the telephone like the mishaps of trying to find it and stuff it's a full-on core memory always check where you're under these burgers check where you're under these burgers that's gold star advice right there as we get ready to wrap up then where do you see your journey in in the future you mentioned earlier that you're looking for some different kind of events to go to some exploring some new things so what are you guys kind of what's on the horizon for you for 2024 and then the future trying new new events new clubs yeah we'd like to get abroad and sort of try some different countries nice seems to like it big fan of that yeah that's definitely probably our next step at the moment just you know we really want to be advocates for the lifestyle and that's one of the reasons isn't it that we decided to sort of come out so to speak and show our faces so we can show people what it's done for us and how it's helped us and kind of help other people with body confidence and you know yeah sex positivity and yeah we're happy like say when you put yourself out on social media and you do um articles and things like that you open yourself up to a lot of criticism that criticism doesn't bother us like we're very thick skinned so we're quite happy to go out there and sort of put ourselves out publicly and and kind of take whatever's thrown at us take the hits for the community yeah take one for the team never take one for the team no never take one for the team not in the lifestyle don't take one for the team but yeah ultimately we think this is such a positive thing that we do and we think the whole lifestyle has got so many benefits to so many people but historically people have really wanted to talk about it it's been a bit more of a taboo subject and now there are so many people who are sort of out there vocalizing and happy to talk about it and we're just being really sort of proud because they're the people that brought us into it to now be able to kind of pay it forward and say like okay we're in now like here's here's how we're finding it because everyone will relate to different people and different people scenarios and some people might relate to us that's very true because there are i think at the moment over 100 english-speaking swinger podcasts when we started there was about five and i always say to people if our voices annoy you if our approach it disagrees with your approach like please go and find somebody else and it's the same with social media if you're following someone on social media and you know it's about the vibe as you said earlier if you're really getting that vibe from them like follow and consume their content and you know and then the people that they interact with as well might be of the same ilk as you so see who they're interacting with and then and then go and follow them speaking of social media if you do actually want to connect with jem and daz i'm going to have some show notes here and you can go and find the instagram the twitter i'm going to have the tiktok in there as well so if you guys want to follow them on any of those platforms you are absolutely more than welcome to and checking out their their journey and i actually did know that you had fur babies because I do follow you on Instagram.
And every time you guys are out for coffee with your fur babies, I'm like, oh, my kind of people. Love it. Yeah. I appreciate that. Any other final words that you would like to leave our listeners with as we close out today's episode?
Yeah, just like I say, hopefully if you're thinking about exploring the lifestyle at all all get out there and get to an event follow some people on social media and uh and give it a try you don't have to do anything you don't want to do and it might not be for you but it might be the best thing you ever did i love it love that what a perfect way to end and thank you again for joining us on today's episode i've really had a great time i hope that guys enjoyed that too. Yeah, we did. I'll see you in March then. Yeah, we can't wait. I forgot to ask us about our outfits.
Oh yeah, what are you wearing? What are you wearing to the black and white ball? And I'm also going to bring some handcuffs and I'm going to actually handcuff your lingerie to you. Oh no, that would be a good idea.
You're going to handcuff it to Dad because he was the one that forgot him you can handcuff me on his side wait no now that would be a good idea yeah you're gonna handcuff it to dad because he's the one that forgot him handcuff me and he said so do you actually have your outfits planned i think we're going black yeah we're gonna go black or white isn't it it is black and white yeah we've got another event coming up in a couple of weeks which is like a black tie event and i so i'm gonna black, like a black double-breasted suit for that, which I can wear with a bow tie.
So I probably wear that with like a black polo neck and go very James Bond-esque. That's nice to go into real details about this attire. We've had conversations about this before. He was actually telling a girl once about this jacket. One of the girls just got up and left. I was like, wow, you girls in underwear, me explaining the fine details of tailoring a men's jacket is too much. We don't want to know that. It's a jacket. That's the end. It's a black jacket with a black t-shirt. That's what we're doing. I actually like the detail. So yes. Thank you for sharing that.
I'll get to talk to you about it. And what about you, Gem? Do do you have yours i've got a white option and a black option and i'm not sure what one yet so we're having a try on session won't we a white short tight option on social media to take a poll yeah take a poll that's the way to do it there you go yeah on an insta on an instagram story take a poll i love that, it's been absolutely fabulous, guys. Thank you again for joining us today. And I'm really looking forward to publishing this and just hearing everyone's feedback.
If you want to get in contact with me, you can reach out on email, email at wanderlustswingers.com. Or as I mentioned before, you can connect with Jem and Daz on Instagram, Twitter, or TikTok. We'll see you next time.
