Swinging Lifestyle + Hotwife Lifestyle Podcast - Wanderlust Swingers Podcast
Are you in the Swingers Lifestyle and curious about BDSM? Maybe you've dabbled in a little kink play at a Swingers Club or want to explore what being ''Kinky'' really means.
Today's episode is all about Swinging Into BDSM with 2 fantastic interviews with passionate and fun sexperts
Mistress Leah - Swinging Into BDSM
First up, we're joined by Mistress Leah, author of Swinging Into BDSM. We talk about common misconceptions, how to get started, terminology used and so much more. Mistress Leah leaves us with some gold star advice for those wanting to explore the BDSM Lifestyle.
How to WIN - we're giving away 2 electronic copies of this book, to enter, just sign up for our newsletter and we will draw 2 winners at random on February 28th https://www.swingingdownunder.com/newsletter/
Bomber - Black N Kinky Lifestyle Podcast
We are also joined by Bomber from the Black N Kinky Lifestyle Podcast as he shares his recent experience exploring BDSM. Bomber and The Belle attend a BDSM event in Washington DC and he shares some lessons learned, misconceptions and how his lifestyle journey has shaped his BDSM journey.
Links
Swinging Into BDSM by Mistress Leah on Amazon https://a.co/d/dFRFpvY
House Of Wonderland website https://www.houseofwonderland.org/
House Of Wonderland on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/house_of_wonderland/
Black N Kinky Lifestyle Podcast website https://www.blacknkinkylifestyle.com/
Find all of the FUN Wanderlust Swingers Links here https://beacons.ai/wanderlustswingers
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Visit our website for videos, blogs, podcasts, newsletters and swinging lifestyle resources. https://www.swingingdownunder.com/
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We are a swinging lifestyle podcast, we talk about sex, being a hotwife and non-monogamy, please ensure you are of legal age to be listening to our sexy stories.
If you’re interested in learning more about the swinging and hotwifing lifestyle join us on our sexy swinger hotwife podcast. We share information our personal experiences and journey, swinger event, swinging dating sites, reviews for swingers resorts and more.
Transcript
You're listening to the Wanderlust Swingers Podcast with Aussie hosts, Kate and Daryl. If you're curious about exploring your sexuality or the swinging, hot-wifing and non-monogamous lifestyle, you've definitely come to the right podcast. Or maybe you just love travel adventures. Either way, we share our personal, sometimes juicy, sexy stories as well as Swingers Club and event reviews, interviews withassy people, and of course, our global swinging adventures. We try to bring you a look into the diverse lifestyle that the swinging and non-monogamous community has. We hope you enjoy.
Now let's get into the episode. G'day everyone and welcome to episode 162 of the Wanderl swingers podcast today we're talking about everything to do with bdsm kink being kinky swinging into bdsm and actually joining me on the line right now i have bomber who is of course one half of the black and kinky lifestyle podcast welcome to the show bomber oh thank you so much i'm so glad to so glad to be here. It is great to be on your podcast, Kate. Thank you so much for inviting me. Oh, of course. Always happy to have you guys part of the show.
We, of course, love and support your podcast, but I reached out recently because we were talking about Black History Month, which of course is throughout the whole month of February.
But I was mentioning to you that I interviewed a very interesting individual, and that is Mistress Leah wrote a book swinging into BDSM and you kind of alluded to having some recent kind of BDSM kind of kink related things and I thought absolutely I'm getting you on the show so I'm really excited we're going to talk all about that after I interview Mistress Leah but Bomar tell me what's going on with you guys at the moment like what's Black and Kinky up to what are you in the belt doing what's happening in february give us give us a tea so yeah um february has become a really exciting month for us here at bnk because you know two years ago we had started using black history month as an opportunity to feature black content creators in thepositive space just on Instagram.
And the reason why we did that was because one thing we realized is that for those who are providing sex-positive content, Black folks that are providing sex-positive content, there are a lot of them out there.
And we happen to meet them while we're attending events, when we're going going to conferences and we're just like wow like we can't just you know we can't just find them on a google search or anything like that and just the way things get marketed a lot of folks that are doing work locally you know we're talking about podcasters we're talking about event promoters you know folks that are in the bdsm space educators, we don't find them on these natural like dissemination channels. We don't really find them on Google and Instagram and Facebook don't necessarily bring them to us.
And so we were like, you know, folks have a hard time finding these content creators. Well, why don't we use our platform to lift them up? And so that's how this black and sex thing started with BNK, which is really our honoring of black content creators on Black History Month. And so again, two years ago, we just started it on Instagram. And then, you know, a year after that, we said, well, let's just bring folks on the show to talk about what they do. And we particularly look for folks who don't have a strong following.
We might find someone who does, but most of the folks who are featured on our show during that month, and we do maybe four or five episodes that month, we want to feature folks who may not have a lot of followers, but are sort of up and coming content creators. And so we started interviewing them on the show. And then this month, we got a good crew of content creators that we're also going to be bringing on the show.
And I think one new thing that I'm doing this year is just adding a bit of context to connect, you know, pre-colonial Africa with the history of African-Americans in this country, sort of overcoming systemic oppression.
And then connecting that to our modern day content creators and then introducing our our content creator that is featured on the show for that day sort of connecting their trajectory to this limitless history of black empowerment and just the context of black history so yeah that's what we're doing i love it and it's a lot of work and i i fact that you are, you know, keeping it balanced, making sure that you're giving a voice to people that may have, you know, already been out there in the market, in the industry, giving some space to maybe creators, like you said, that don't have as much visibility.
And you're right. When I'm looking at even Instagram, for example, which I've just been banned from three times in the last month, which is crazy. Oh my gosh.
But it is's also you're right like when i'm looking at my my feed if i'm looking at you know common hashtags that i use or that are kind of featured in in my feed because it's like you may like this it's pretty rare to see a black sex positive person coming across and the ridiculousness of that is that mistress leah for example i've read her book we're gonna we're gonna cut in a second we're gonna go and interview mistress leah but her passion and her articulation especially around bdsm it has just got me floored you know what i mean so i'm glad and she doesn't have a lot of followings uh online so i'm glad you're giving some voice to you know some of those people that might need a bit of highlighting but you just released one yesterday i haven't listened yet it's literally 20 hours old i can see it right now now on my podcast catcher right now, Black and Sex.
And you've got Black Doms, Sex Educators, and Other Freaks in Arizona. And I'm really excited to listen to that one. So, yeah, I love what you're doing. So, guys, we're going to cut away right now. We're going to go talk to Mistress Leah, who is the author of Swinging into BDSM. And then we're going to come back and we're going to talk to Bomber about something naughty he's been up to now recently, I guess. And we'll see what's going on with Bomber very soon.
in there guys we'll see you soon welcome back everyone to a really special segment i'm very excited about this because i think so many people in the swingers lifestyle start to explore other avenues of their sexuality and other things that they might be interested in and on the the line with me right now, I have Mistress Leah, and we're going to talk about swinging into BDSM. Thank you so much for joining us, Mistress Leah. No problem. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. Of course, we're very excited.
Now, just for everybody out there, Mistress Leah is a dominatrix who started her journey into kink as a swinger, where she spent time as a single female, a couple, a unicorn who dated couples. Three years into her journey, she was introduced to BDSM in a local club one night and hasn't looked back since. She began as a submissive and evolved into a dominant and after 12 years in the swing lifestyle, nine years in the BDSM scene, she co-founded the BDSM House of Wonderland and based out of Dayton in Ohio. So that's a little bit about Mistress Leah.
She does have links that we're going to share in the show notes today, but we're going to go ahead and we're going to get into all of the BDSM goodness that Mistress Leah has to instill upon us. Absolutely. Let's do it. So let's first talk about yourself. So we just mentioned a little bit about you, but where is Mistress Leah today? So I am currently located in Dayton, Ohio, where myself and my partners run House of Wonderland Incorporated. I stated I did start off in swing and I started off as a submissive in BDSM, evolved into a switch and now a dominant. And I do a lot of teaching.
I do workshops. I do demonstrations.
We demonstrations we do performances we host events we have a lot going on house of wonderland is plenty plenty busy which is always a wonderful thing and i am really happy to be here and be sharing with your audience i love i love that you've got so much going on mistress leah that's just it's refreshing because somebody who is as passionate about this as you clearly are, you know, has just really delved into, I guess the deep end and is really surrounding yourself with all of this, which is, it's just fantastic because it makes you a really valuable resource.
And I hope people get a lot out of this today. What are we talking about? We're going to talk about the swingers guide to respectfully and successfully navigating the basics of swinging into BDSM. And you'll notice there the respectfully and successfully part. We're going to talk about that, I guess, a lot in today's episode. So I know that you're excited to get into it. So let's just kick off, Mistress Leah, with you mentioned a few terms there at the beginning. You said you were submissive, you're a switch, you evolved into a dominant.
And in the first chapter of your book, you talk a lot about terms. And I'm just curious why. Why do we talk so much about terms in the first chapter of this book? Well, much like people that are coming into the swing lifestyle. So step one is to kind of debunk the stereotypes and what people think they will see when they come into this particular world and culture. But as you get into it more, you will hear people speaking a language but you't understand.
If I were to walk into a swing lifestyle club and I were vanilla or new and somebody said unicorn or full swap or anything along those lines to me, I wouldn't understand what they're talking about.
So I wanted to start this book with explaining some of those basic terms that we use in BDSM so that as people move through those circles and as I talk about it in the book, they understand what'm talking about yeah you're right it is almost a foreign language that we we talk about in all facets and i had a bit of a joke on tiktok a little while ago exactly what you just said you start this journey be it in the lifestyle be it in the bdsm lifestyle you start this journey and everybody on these sites or that you meet or that they say this it's it's first of all it's all acronyms right uh-huh and then secondly it's like what the hell am i that am i this i don't know how are you for me do we kind of mesh together what would you say is one of the more confusing terms maybe that you have in the bdsm scene is there one one that takes a little familiarity i would say is the slash so when you hear somebody say the slash that that is talking about an acronym that we use.
So when you say dominant and submissive or master and slave or top and bottom, you'll notice that the first word is the more dominant person. And the second part of it is the more submissive one. When we write that down, you'll see dominant slash submissive, master slash save, et cetera. So if you're in these circles and you hear people say, oh, you know, this person behaves like they're on the other side of the slash, or I want to make sure I stay on the right side of the slash in my, in my dynamic, that is what they're talking about.
That's one of the, the ones that you'll hear about around more seasoned BDSM types, but some of the basic ones that you're going to hear the most often are things like scene and consent. It is a cornerstone of what we do. But scenes and scening, the difference between a top and a dominant, things along those lines. And actually, to answer your question, I can go with that one in particular. So you have a top and a bottom in BDSM. And a top is just a person who does something to someone else. It doesn't mean that they're dominant. It doesn't mean that they're a mistress.
It means I am doing I'm spanking you. I'm flogging you. I'm doing something to you. A bottom is the person receiving that. So if you are tying me up, I am bottoming for you in doing rope. If you are flogging me, if you're doing something to me, I'm a bottom. And I think that often gets confused with a dominant and a submissive because you don't have to be dominant to do something to someone else. Or talk to receive an action. So it's probably one that gets confused most often.
Well, Mistress Leah, consider me at the six minute in Mark's schooled already because I didn't know that slash was even a thing. And, you know, I've heard the words top and bottom and they're used in various different types of alternative relationships or styles, you know, even including the LGBTQIA community, right? But in BDSM, I had, as it stands, wrongly assumed that the top was going to be the dominant person. So you've already schooled me. Congratulations. Six minutes in and I know everybody else is going to be like, what?
So I guess going back to the point to the point yes chapter one uh obviously very necessary because you just use language that I have absolutely zero idea on one what the slash was but even two then my interpretation of languages that I thought I knew were wrong so yeah glad to help very very necessary so thank you that is that is interesting and I guess it leads me to my next point, which was originally, why was this book? Why did you feel this book was required, was needed? And the title I mentioned before, respectfully and successfully navigating the basics.
Why did you feel like this was needed? What was this filling a gap in the realm out there of the alternative lifestyles? So again, you can start with swing. I started there. And as you get more into something and more familiar with it, you start to see what people who are new might do or some missteps that they might make. So when you are a more seasoned swinger, let's say yourself, and you see a new person walk into a club and they are thinking, Austin Powers, that's what swinging is, what swinging is. Free love is a big orgy and everybody is for everybody.
They might walk in and be pushy or be aggressive or do things that might even get them put out. So it's necessary, even in places like that, a lot of your swing clubs, they'll have new orientation classes or things for newbies so that they understand, hey, whatever you think swinging is, we're here to hone that so you don't get into any trouble and you don't get labeled as something negative. As I moved into BDSM, I noticed the same thing. There's some judgment against people who are new.
There are judgments against people who swing, who are trying to get into BDSM, you know, who's a real lifestyle person. I've seen it in the world of polyamory. They get very offended if you refer to them as swingers or you think they're all about orgies and whatever dynamics, three thruples or quads, what have you, that it's just a sex thing. But that is talking romance.
And having had experience in all three, I noticed that there is a lot of misconceptions, a lot of stereotypes, and a lot of miscommunication happening about what each one is and why they do the things they do and how they're different, how they're unique.
And so I wanted to write this because coming from Swing, there's a lot of things I wish had been explained to me when I started in BDSM that I now know, and I'm just trying to make it easier for people who are new to it, for them to understand what it's about, what it's not about, and how to safely move through and how to avoid being labeled as, you know, that newbie that just wants this to be a stereotypical experience. Right. And I guess that leads really well into a Twitter poll that I put up on your behalf, Mistress Leah.
I wanted to throw this out there to our audience before I interviewed you today. And what I asked everybody on Twitter is, did you start exploring kink or BDSM alongside or within your lifestyle journey? And the reason I put that is I was really curious, like you, whether people had kind of started their sexuality journey and then moved into things like BDSM and so therefore maybe needed some education around it or whether they'd kind of, you know, already been pretty kinky and then decided to explore other avenues. The responses actually shocked me.
I did not expect them to be very so similar. So let me just tell you what people said. So I asked again, did you start exploring kink or BDSM alongside or within your lifestyle journey? And I had the response of, yes, we did. In other words, people were doing swinging and then started BDSM or kink as well.
39%, so 40, we'll call it 40 we did we started exploring now i asked were you already kinky and 29 so we'll call it 30 said we were already kinky and then i asked people no we haven't so in other words we're just in the lifestyle we're not exploring any kind of kink or bdsm and 31 said that so just to recap we got let's round we'll round up because for the sake of these but 40 said yes they did start exploring 30 said they were already kinky and 30 said no we're not going to and we haven't so in terms of the percentage there does that shock you does that kind of fall in line with what you see even at your events within your clubs the people that you talk about but 40 of people then starting to explore this other realm of kink after they are looking at the swinging lifestyle i would have expected it to be a little a little higher honestly only because if there's a show on netflix uh how to build a sex room i don't know if you've come across it and this lady is trying to get couples to be more comfortable being intimate together and spice up their sex life and 90 of the cases that she takes, she throws BDSM into it.
And many couples, even if they're not swinging or if they don't have an open relationship, when they think of taking their intimacy or their bond to the next level, S&M tends to be involved. I didn't realize that myself until I saw the show, but it's a little more universal than I guess I realized. So I'm not surprised at the number. I would almost expect it to be a little higher. That's what I expected. Yeah.
I, I, I expected that 39, that 40% to be higher because for me, when, when I think about my journey, when I think about everyone I talk to you, you, when you start kind of opening up your mind to other opportunities about what exists out there in the world, you become a little bit more curious, right? And that kind of goes, that just goes with everything.
I mean, you're a kid, you start to, you know you start to you know learn to run learn to jump you start to explore you just kind of build on that and I think the same thing comes with our sexuality we start to see wait a second there's all these other toys in the playroom here that I get to maybe explore and have a look at and you might say hey it's not for me but you've at least tried it so I also was really shocked I thought it was going to be more people had you, wanted to do that.
But what I will say is that I was also shocked at the high number, the 30% saying, well, we're already kinky, you know, so maybe that, maybe that was why maybe people kind of had started that dabbling in, like you said, when they start talking about their relationship, kind of going down what you just said, that pathway first, and then they might go, oh, the lifestyle. Yeah.
And something other people don't, don't realize that kink is a huge umbrella but usually when we're talking on the sexual end and what most swingers tend to start with is kinky sex and there's a difference between that and being a part of the the bdsm entire lifestyle and culture and i talk about that in in my book as well i believe it's under what is BDSM, the first chapter. And I talk about kinky sex.
So if there is something you enjoy in the bedroom, whether it is handcuffs or being paddled, being blindfolded, any kind of sensory play that just kind of adds spice to your sex life, then that would be a kinky person or a kinkster, sexual kinkster. And that's the main category that swingers start in when they get into BDSM. As you get further into it, if someone cares to get further into it, then that's when they get into actual power exchange and what it means to be a dominant and all these other terms and different types of play, which are called disciplines that I cover in another chapter.
Which leads me to a really good point you spoke there about the differences and somebody might say they're kinky because they use a little blindfold in the bedroom but BDSM scenes are very different and in chapter three you talk about a very important topic which is consent consent is by my understanding very different between the BDSM scene and the swingers lifestyle but because you've already shocked the hell out of on this episode already, why don't you talk to us a little bit about the difference in consent and maybe where some people might fumble when they first start exploring the BDSM scene?
Oh, consent. To quote a good friend of mine, consent is not a simple yes or no in the moment. It's not a, are we hooking up or are we not? Like you would kind of say in the swing world, consent is a matter of access and it's taken very, very seriously in the BDSM world. It's one of the cornerstones of who we are and what we do and what segregates it from abuse. And in the swing world, for example, in the swing culture, it is frowned upon for people to go around touching people without permission. They'll say permission. You don't have expressed consent. Do not touch people.
Don't walk into their sessions. Don't go into the rooms where there is a chain across the door. You know, don't do those things. If somebody violates that, they'll usually be corrected or reminded of the rules. And, you know, they can try it again. If they continue, then they're out. It's a much bigger deal in the BDSM world because there is safety and more safety risk involved. So if I am agreeing to a scene with somebody and we're negotiating and a scene just means that we're going to do something BDSM wise.
In the swing world, you'll say, you know, we got together, we had a session, we had a three-way, you know, what have you. In BDSM, when we say we got together in BDSM, we say we got together to do a scene. So if I'm going over how I want this scene to go and I do something that the person did not give me consent to do, or if they said I want to be flogged, but at this medium intensity and for 10 minutes and I go high intensity for 35, I'm probably not going to get another chance to do a scene with that person because I violated the consent that was established up front.
That happened so many times in the Fifty Shades movie I have to harp on that because that's so many people's introduction to BDSM but countless times in that movie the young lady was saying you know I need time to think about something or I'm not sure I'm okay with this or I'd prefer it to go this way and a good amount of time he do opposite. And you will see a lot of BDSM people saying this movie is such a bad representation because that's not how we do things. Consent is huge in BDSM.
And if it isn't violated, then you're going to have a much harder track trying to get back in good standing with the community and get into the good graces of the people involved because it is a big part of who we are.
And without consent, it is abuse is illegal you don't want that exactly and actually we are going to talk about chapter four which is the 50 shades of bullshit i have that tagged here to talk about but before we actually get into the seriousness of it i do want to also say that they use absolutely zero lube in that movie and you know i i don't know about you but when i'm doing the dishes and my partner comes from behind me and just starts like raw pounding me, on a personal level, I cringe at that bloody thing because I'm like, oh my God, this is ridiculous.
Like as if she's even had foreplay warmed up. What is going on? Yes, ma'am. Right. So I'm pro lube, pro lube on this podcast. But so 50 Shades of Bullshit. Now I have seen a number of people in the BDSM lifestyle who do a lot of BDSM scenes really come down hard on this book and on the movies and some, you know, just really, really hating it for the exact reason that you're talking about, for consent, for the type of relationship they're in, for all of those types of things. But I do kind of want to flip it on its head and ask you a question here. I want to put you in the hot seat.
You just said before it's it's 50 shades of bullshit but and it's damaging to the the bdsm lifestyle but do you think it actually opened up some doors to people is there any kind of positive or silver lining to that mega blockbuster that went global and had you know women around the world getting really excited for things do you think it was completely harmful do you think it opened some doors somewhere i thought it was harmful in the sense sense of not being realistic, but I do think it was positive in the sense of getting the conversation started and getting people asking questions and getting more curious about BDSM and how the community worked as opposed to, you know, something that was done for entertainment purposes.
So it started the conversation. I would say that was a positive of the series coming out. Yeah. And I guess, you know, for people like yourself who are actually out there educating the real reality of it, you know, I do hope that they then stumbled upon somebody like yourself to kind of guide and educate it on the, you know, what is real and these sorts of things about consent, about how relationship dynamics should work and all of that. So, yeah, that's interesting. And I really appreciate you jumping on board with that.
So let's's maybe talk a little bit now about since we're kind of talking about the why things can be harmful you know in the book we talk a lot about consent we talk about what is the difference between BDSM and what is abuse and all of those very serious and appropriate conversations so my question really is what problems do you think are common at maybe swingers clubs lifestyle events that maybe we can try to bring up a solution for today so is there anything that you see that's quite common that maybe could be dealt with with an easy solution that we can share with people out there listening who might be an attendee or who might own a club or run events themselves so something common is the like a misperception of pdsm and theDSM in the sense of roles and the titles that people give themselves.
Some people figure, hey, I enjoy topping as we've talked about. So that means I'm a dominant. So they might walk into a swing club and say, hey, I'm a dominant. Yeah, I can do BDSM things to you. And a lot of people who are not educated in the details of how we work, we'll take the word for it and we'll jump on to whatever it is that they say is going to happen, which I also cover in the BDSM versus abuse chapter, things I have seen myself. People walk onto the swing scene and say, I'm a dominant and do you want to be my submissive? They might walk in and say something like that.
And the people are, yeah, absolutely. I on board. I've always been curious about BDSM. So I'm going to follow this first person who says they're dominant. And then they proceed to start to do scenes and start to involve flogging and impact player, fire, what have you. Something often seen is that the person who is playing a submissive role doesn't realize you can say no, you can say what things you want incorporated in whatever they're doing. You can say to what degree you want it done and how long and all Thank you.
doesn't realize you can say no you can say what things you want incorporated in whatever they're doing you can say to what degree you want it done and how long and all the ins and outs of that i see a lot of people just kind of fall into oh this is a dominant they must know everything but just comment across the board because how many vanillas have come to you saying oh you're a swinger and you have this this huge enterprise you must know everything hell no you just schooled me already.
hey hey but if you go in under that title a lot of people just kind of go with it so I think something to help that is if somebody comes in and professes to be a part of the BDSM world don't be afraid to ask questions and get the specifics of what they want to do with you and what you are okay with doing with them or them to you or you to them.
Understand that you can speak up and you have every right both parties do to be totally clear and have clear, concise, radical consent on both ends before you move forward with doing anything, whether it's just playing or you get into a whole dominant, submissive power exchange. Ask questions up front and make sure that you're both on the same page.
Don't just take somebody's forward and say oh we can do whatever you want to do yeah i guess ask for evidence-based information i mean we we do that with vetting our single guys we if we're vetting our single gentleman if we're playing into a threesome and mfm or something like that oftentimes i'll say to them like i won't just say oh hey have you done this before it's a very loose question you know what i mean because maybe they fool around in college or something i'll actually ask them you know can you tell me what you've done before with other people um how how did that work for you is there anything that you want to do that you haven't done is you have you got a fantasy out there so I get what you're saying because I go into a little bit more of that that detail based information when I'm even vetting somebody you know for a threesome so it makes sense to me that you would then say oh cool you say you can flog somebody and you want to put me on a St.
Andrew's cross, but, you know, can you maybe tell me a little bit more about that? Absolutely. Now, you just gave great advice already. So you've already done all of that. But I always like to ask people, especially when I've got a specialist who's as passionate about their subject matter as you are on the call today, I always like to ask what's your gold star piece of advice. And you've already given someone the call, so I'm going to kind of make you try to think of something else.
But if you had somebody, I came to you today and I'm in the swinging lifestyle and I said to you, Hey, I really want to get a little bit more into the BDSM scene. What would be your piece of advice to me? One or two, feel free to take it away. Get on, get on a soapbox if you want to. The floor is yours. Mistress Leah. Thank you.
So the, the number one gold star piece of advice that I've been saying for a couple years now and is still true if someone comes to you and says i am dominant i'm a mistress i'm what have you and i want to play or do a scene with you or i want you to be my submissive etc the first question you want to ask them is what disciplines do you specialize in if don't understand that language, they're probably starting out just as much as, you know, you are or they're posing. One of the two things.
A BDSM lifestyle person will know that discipline means I am doing impact, fire, wax, rope, something along those lines. And if you ask me, what disciplines do I specialize in and what's my experience?? Then you'll find out, Hey, I have done wax under this person. I did rope at this convention. I can suspend. I can, if they start, if they're able to explain themselves, then that person's a little more informed and I would feel safer with them going with exploring with that individual.
If their response is, I specialize in forced orgasms or I specialize in three ways in oral sex, that is either person that is into kinky sex only or one who is misled about what BDSM is and they are just looking to sexually dominate you or run the show in the bedroom. That's not quite somebody who's immersed themselves in BDSM culture. So depending on what you're looking for, that is a marvelous way to weed out which one you're dealing with. Are you dealing with a newer person?
Are you dealing with somebody who's just claiming that they're dominant because they saw your profile and you said, I like somebody else to take the lead. So they kind of took that and run with it. Or you're dealing with somebody just trying to sell you up the road. That would be the best question to start off with someone along those lines. Besides that, I want to empower anybody who identifies on the right side of the slash, which is any submissive or slave or person that is into the service piece of things, that you have the power to negotiate, to be heard, to explain what is okay.
If something comes up and triggers you, you have every right to say, hey, you know, this thing happened. I'm being triggered in a way I wasn't expecting. I need to communicate. Communication is huge in BDSM. So if you are with somebody and you come across a person and you are new and you're trying to learn and they make an atmosphere where you're not comfortable asking questions or saying no or voicing when something is wrong that is not healthy. You need to run the other way. That is not what we're about.
A final piece of advice would be to when you look at this book and you figure out whether you kind of fall into more of the sexual kinkster or you want to go deeper into it, know where you fall. Either one is totally fine. You can learn about BDSM and find out, you know what, I'm going to stick to just getting spanked every so often. That is fine. You can read it and say, I want to be the greatest dominant that ever lived. I want to start a house. I want to make this empire and really get into the BDSM piece of it. That is fine.
One key to moving forward is knowing which road you want to move forward on, but either one are fine. You are no less of a value to the S&M world if you want it to stay a sexual thing or if you want to take it to the stars. It is all all right. There's pointers for each level. And I am here if you have any questions or if you need mentor. That is great advice. Thank you very much, Mistress Leah, for going through that.
And I think what you said before about you can dabble and it's okay it does kind of go back to what we spoke about before where some communities might think differently about other communities and i i just want to reiterate what you just said which is that if you are just maybe you get into this and then you say you know what maybe i am a little bit just into kinky sex and blindfolding in the bedroom that doesn't mean that all of a sudden you're not as enlightened i guess as somebody else so that really rang home for me thank you for for sharing that it's something that we try to tell people that your journey is your own and it's no less or more or more valid or less valid than my journey or mistress liars journey you know so really really appreciate that now you've got two things on the horizon coming up that I want to kind of touch on before we close out today but you're going to do two more books and I can't even imagine writing a book so congratulations on that but you're going to be talking about a swinging into submission and a swinging into domination just maybe briefly give us a little rundown on what that means so you read the first book swinging into bdsm you get more curious and say I want to get more deeply into this usually people have an idea of if they are more submissive leaning or dominant leaning.
So if I decide I'm more submissive leaning, for example, where do I go from here? That's where swinging into submission comes into play. So you've got the basics and you've gotten into one alternative lifestyle. I'm going to explain what you should be looking out for as a submissive. I go into types of submissives, red flags for yourself, things that you should not be doing and things that dominant should not be doing. If you're looking to get involved with them, I do the same thing in the domination book. I talk about what dominance is not. There are a lot of misconceptions.
That does not mean beating your chest and calling shots and barking orders. It is an exchange and everybody should be honored and respected. Here are red flags for dominant, for the submissive, things you should avoid, things you should be doing and ways to sharpen whichever discipline you decide that you get into or resounds the most with you. So that's what I go over in those two books. And it is all from swinger perspectives, making it as understandable as possible for them and even vanilla. So it's just the script for you want to go to the next level.
Now, here's what you do in that particular direction. Oh, it's kind of like a level up of education.
I love that i i was curious about where we're going to go with those so that's that's really really cool to see here and again um congratulations on writing books because it just seems like a hell of a lot of work for me now if you if you're interested in any more information from mistress leah every part of her contact details are going to be in the show notes today so please do feel free to head to the show notes check out all of the links if you want to get in contact with mistress leah if you would like to download the book available on amazon books and excitingly we are actually going to give away two copies of the book so if you look at the show notes you will find a link in order to put your name forward to potentially win two two copies of The Swinger's Guide to Respectfully and Successfully Navigating the Basics of BDSM.
So as all of that being said, thank you so much, Mistress Leah, for joining us today, for enlightening me, absolutely, but I hope definitely for enlightening all of our listeners and also maybe getting some people passionate about the BDSM scene. We really, really appreciate your time. Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me and I'm open contact. If anybody likes to contact me with more questions. Hi guys, welcome back. I really hope that you enjoyed that time there with Mistress Lear and swinging into BDSM. We are going to be having a giveaway of her book.
Definitely want to get your hands on that. You can also check obviously her links out for her Amazon link in the show notes today. We still do have Bom bomber on the line from black and kinky lifestyle podcasts we would love to talk a little bit about what bomber's been up to lately now again i said earlier in the show i reached out and told you about this amazing interview you said something's up what's going on tell us what's happening yeah so i had mentioned i feel like i only did this on patreon it may not not have been maybe not so much on our show, but I have been exploring BDSM.
It's sort of been my journey and understanding how being a dom or being a top, I know there's different vocabulary around this, but how that could sort of expand my sexual portfolio, if you will, because I'm noticing that a lot of the partners that I have had in the lifestyle, gosh, swinging into BDSM, it's just such an appropriate title for a book. But the experiences I've had in the lifestyle have sort of exposed me to different preferences my partners have had in terms of what pleases them, what turns them on.
And I've, you know, run into many of them who want to be dominated, who want to be spanged, who want to engage in kink with me. Right. And so, and this isn't just, you know, an occasional smack on the ass. This is like, like real BDSM. Like you want to, you want to be able to know what you're doing. And so so I sat down and I was like, okay, well, BDSM has never really been my thing, but let me just explore this space to see if it's something that I can do, something that I can explore as another way of pleasing my partners.
And so the bell and I have been exploring kink events you know we've gone you know we have an account on fet life and um we went to an event quite recently uh ironically enough the event was thrown by event creators that call themselves black and kinky which is so fucking trippy. But we went to their event. And although it's not the first BDSM event we have attended, I think attending that event, I attended that event with new eyes because I had, you know, done a bunch of research and read books and, you know, watched YouTube videos and talked to folks who were engaging in BDSM.
And now I came in this space with a new perspective and it sort of opened up another door. For me, there were some struggles Thank you. who were engaging in BDSM, and now I came in this space with a new perspective, and it sort of opened up another door. For me, there were some struggles Belle had, and I'm going to go into those in a moment, but this is sort of what we're doing now. We're in this space. We're going into more BDSM events, and it's a very different beast than many of the other lifestyle events we had attended. So yeah, I got floggers.
I've got some skills now like i'm i'm ready to jump in kate i love it there's a lot to unpack in everything that you've just said there but well let me tackle something first you said you've been to events you know with maybe some kinks and things involved in the past and we see this a lot of lifestyle clubs you know they've generally got like a saint andrew's cross they've generally got you know some floggers lying around and we do we see we see this sort of thing you know it does kind of seep and leak into lifestyle events which is kind of what mistress leah's point was in the earlier segment but you said you had a different kind of mindset and i think there's a difference between your intentions here right when you're actually going to a kink event and maybe you're just going to see what it's like and kind of that but you said you went off and did some research you've to your previous play partners, finding out a little bit more.
And then I think when you go to these events, your intentions are very different, right? So you're walking through with a completely different set of intentions that you would have at a normal lifestyle event. With your partners, you said that, you know, a few of them had, or a few of your play partners had kind of alluded to or maybe involved in, you know, some more of this kind of kink, maybe some domination and things of that matter.
To ask, and i might be foreshadowing here but is that something that bell enjoys do you guys find that in your own relationship dynamic or is this something new and different outside of your relationship with play partners that you might be fulfilling that way yeah bdsm has not really been a part of our relationship or a big part of our relationship but i think i don know, I think it's somewhat of a complicated question because if you think about relationships in general, relationships and power are like, are always linked.
I, you know, there might be a radical view for some, but there are always power dynamics in your relationships. Although in our relationships, there are supposed to be these beacons of love and trust. There's still a power dynamic there where in some cases you have a partner who is the dominant and you have a partner who is a little bit more submissive. And then you may trade places depending on what the context is. And so I think for us, when it comes to sex, the bell has always appreciated being the submissive partner in sex.
Like I decide what we're doing, you know, of course, you know, I want to make sure I turn her on. But when it comes to, you know, what we're doing in the bedroom, I'm the one who is in charge. Right. And so in terms of what we're going to explore and what we're going to do, I'm the one who's driving that ship. Now, although BDSM hasn't been a big part of our relationship, I think one of the struggles that the bell had was she didn't necessarily see how she fit in it because she was like, well, this isn't something I want to explore independently. And I'm not really into impact play.
Like, I don't really think about that. But then the other night, or not even the other night, maybe a week ago, I said, okay, well, at some point, I want to spank your ass. Like, I really want to do it. Like, not how we used to do it while we were just smashing and, you know, doggy style. And I'm just occasionally, you know, lifting my hand up. Yeah, a little bit of pull my hair, spank my ass kind of thing. Yeah, we get it. It's, you know, it belongs in the bedroom. I agree. Exactly. Yeah. But I think I wanted to be more methodical about it.
And, you know, based on some of the things I had picked up, I wanted to really engage in some impact play, like really include it as part of foreplay. And so it's something we've experimented with. And now, you know, some doors have been open for her a little bit.
She's like, OK, I could I could mess with this because I think at first when she thought about impact play she didn't really i don't think that she had experienced it in uh the way you typically see it in bdsm spaces like when you're smacking an ass there is a skill there's a technique to that shit you know and when she felt that i think she she got she got into it so now she's excited about exploring this with. So it's a really exciting time.
And that's great for you guys, because I know that some people, especially like primary relationships, struggle to start incorporating this into their relationship, because sometimes, like you said, yes, there's some power dynamics happening in relationships day to day, but that's day to day stuff. You know, when you start to talk about now, I have to see my partner through maybe some different lens as, you know, I've got to be a little bit more subservient. My partner is going to be a little bit more dominating.
about now I have to see my partner through maybe some different lens as you know I've got to be a little bit more subservient my partner's going to be a little bit more dominating and you do have to see them through this different lens so it is interesting that you guys are able to bring that into your relationship and fantastic that you know you've been receptive to exploring that and that Belle's definitely been receptive to exploring it and definitely that she's gotten something out of it as well it's obviously not just to please you but you know Belle's obviously getting something out of it now so that's right tell us about this kink event so first of all i want to know what did you guys wear you walk through the door what happened like lead us tell us a story lead us into this situation you go on you find this this company that has your exact same name almost you know they're obviously in your local area or something like that and and you're going to turn up like what's the go did you go and buy outfits did you bring your floggers along you know you walk into this tell it just tell tell us a story walk us through what happened yes yes because i gotta know this this is really this is actually really funny and i like temper your expectations a little bit because when they announced the party so this is interesting swinging and swinging into bdsm i think that given that we are in the lifestyle we have expect we had expectations about what a sex positive event was is supposed to look like people are supposed to come dressed sexy and you know the uh the male to female the single male ratio is supposed to be controlled i think you talked about this in a recent episode, but there's supposed to be some level of control over the number of single males you have in there.
So, you know, when it comes to lifestyle events, there's just a accepting of couples and single women, right? And then there's a emphasis on dress code, you know, come dress sexy to contribute to the sexy environment and all that stuff, right? That is the context that we have for sex positive events. And when Black and Kinky, that's not us, posted this event on Instagram, on FetLife, you know, all of those assumptions were challenged, okay? So I'm just going to run through this because it made me very nervous about the quality of this event. So it said, one, there is no dress code.
You can come as you are. Two, there's no one excluded from this event. You could be a single male. It did not matter. All you had to do was come to the door, pay your entry fee and come in. The fee for single men, I don't even think the fee for single men and couples was different. I think there was just a fee for everyone. So I was really nervous about this event. I was like, wow, this is going to be a problem. I can't imagine this being a sexy event.
So I tell the bell that we are going to this event, but to temper her expectations because it doesn't seem like there is any effort to curate this crowd. So Kate, honestly, I don't even try to dress that well. I mean, I just, I mean, I look okay, but I'm just, I'm not pulling out, I'm not pulling out the suits and ties and bells and whistles or anything like that.
The bell, you know, she just wants to be sexy outside so she's gonna look good so we sign up for the event we show up um to the door and i see that the people who are walking in i'm expecting to i'm i'm expecting a crew of guys like the line to the front door to be around the block with a bunch of single male you you know how real it could get in the lifestyle if you don't temper that shit. Yeah. But it wasn't like that.
There were some pretty good looking people coming into the party, although they weren't, you know, they weren't dressed super sexy, but they were decent looking and they were coming into this space. I was like, oh, OK, well, this is OK. So that's one assumption that was sort of challenged there. So I walk in and one of the other things I immediately notice is that it's an LGBTQ friendly Thank you. Okay. So that's one assumption that was sort of challenged there.
So I walk in and one of the other things I immediately notice is that it's an LGBTQ friendly place where there are some men who are bi, there are some, you know, there's some lesbian couples in there. There's just a crew of folks coming in there with, you know, that are, that may be queer. We don't know what their sexualities are, but we see the rainbow flag right outside the entrance. So this is clearly not a heteronormative space. Again, something else that we come to expect in a lifestyle setting.
So we go in there and we're filling out our paperwork and the folks at the front are really friendly and they notice that it's the first time we're here and they are assuring us that we will be back to this event. I just remember feeling that confidence, like, you know, they're like, Oh, you're going to like it here. We walk in and this is this, this club is really called the crucible. The event was thrown at the crucible, which is a BDSM dungeon in Washington, DC. And once you walk in there, you see it, you see the St.
Andrew's cross, you see that there are see it you see the saint angel's cross you see that there are uh places where you can you know hang your uh shibari uh rope uh for shibari rope play um there are a bunch of benches for banking and flogging there's even a section in the back for for any messy play uh we didn't really mess around with that back room but you know any blood or any you know fucking golden showers i think all that stuff happened back in that corner I don't know. for any messy play.
Uh, we didn't really mess around with that back room, but you know, any blood or any, you know, fucking golden showers. I think all that stuff happened back in that corner. Yeah. Kind of like a wet room. Yes. There you go. Yeah. And, um, and it was just, I remember it just being a really nice setting. It was also a really body positive setting. And I'll, I'll talk a little, I'll talk a little bit about what I learned about what true body positivity is, or what I think it really is, and what makes it somewhat different from how we think of body positivity in the lifestyle space.
Yeah, we walk in there and we are just, you know, they also had a class for BDSM 101, where they talk about consent, they talk about the art of negotiation, which is really, really important in BDSM spaces. And also, just talked about different ways that you need to read the body language of your sub and sort of understand where the play session is going.
And it was just it was just really really enlightening and then we spent the rest of the time just sort of walking around and just absorbing and seeing all these different play dynamics and we actually met some of our listeners who went there who go to this spot and we also met a few other content creators there so it was a really great experience but I think at the time the was sort of still like, man, I'm really used to walking in here and just being sexy. But that's really not what this environment is all about. It's not really coming in and looking sexy, although that's a part of it.
But the BDSM, the dominance, the submission, and, you know, just the safe space to explore that aspect of one's sexuality is really what this space is all about. And it's something that we just dipped our toes in. I love it. So along with your swing of the bag, you had to, you know, you shoved all of your misconceptions and ideas about what this space was going to be like. And you had to like take them out as you got to the door and leave them in the fucking coat check because we did have wrong expectations.
You there about uh you know the class and then you said you kind of walked around and spoke to people now in bdsm spaces i know that like a meet and mingle what we call in the lifestyle space is called a munch and oftentimes in our environments alcohol tends to be that social lubricant not often in in those um bdsm spaces especially if people are going to be playing out scenes in there so So when you're walking in again and you've got your big bag full of misconceptions and how you normally deal with things, what was that social lubricant? How did you strike up conversation? What was going on?
Because you're walking into a brand new environment. You've got all of these things happening that maybe you're a little bit outside of your norm. So how did you break over that barrier to then start talking to people to even find out there were listeners there, other content creators, etc.? Yeah, no, that's a great question. I'm glad you brought that up, Kate, because they did have a bar in this space. But that was one of the other things among many things I noticed that a lot of people weren't really drinking like that.
And BDSM spaces, from what I've understood, that's really kind of frowned upon. And you do not want to be intoxicated in this space if you're playing in a scene because your sobriety is really important. And so we only had a couple of drinks, but we kept it very tempered. As far as a striking up conversation, folks in that space were really, really friendly. When we got in there, there was a tour guide. One of the Black and Kinky members had given us a tour and sort of provided some rules of engagement.
And so one thing we understood was you're going to be seeing some really interesting things, you know, you're going to be seeing people flogging and all that stuff. But, you know, as you're watching the scene, take the scene in, but save your questions. Do not interrupt the scene with your questions and make sure that the scene is entirely over before you approach the dom or the sub and ask them what was going on and what kind of techniques and tools that they were using.
And so I found that when a scene was over and I wanted to just talk to a doc because there was some interesting, you know, there was some interesting floggers and like one guy guy had these fur gloves that he used to sort of rub on the skin of his subs as he was spanking them. And I was just like, yo, I've never seen that before. They're like these Grimace gloves, like if you remember Sesame Street. They just were big furry gloves. They looked absurd, but you could imagine how comfortable they would be against the skin.
Yeah, those different kind of sensations, right, that a lot of people in that space like i've i remember seeing gloves that were furry on one side and had little like not needles but you know little sharp bits on the other side so again it's that kind of sensation play where when they were playing with people there was the the prick of the little tops of it and then there was the the sensory aftercare of like and now the fluffy side yeah it's pretty dope. And that was the first time I saw that. And they're really, folks are really open. I'm like, oh, how did you find out about this?
Where did you get that? And folks are just really comfortable just talking to you about what they do. I think, I personally think people who feel like masters of their domain, they love talking about their skill. They love talking about the techniques that they use. People are really open to talking. There was one couple who came in there and they had these bear masks on, these leather bear masks on, which I thought were really cool. And I remember one of the content creators and I were having an argument about whether it was a bear or a dog, you know, mask on.
And I was like, I'm just going to go up and ask him. And he was just the friendliest dude, you know. And so as far as the listeners that we saw at the event, they came up to us, they found us. And, you know, they had no problem striking up a conversation. And they gave us a few recommendations of other events to go to.
None of them I can't remember right now, although I think one of them was dungeon located in baltimore i just can't remember what the name is right now but but folks are really really friendly i think it's just a lesson in in waiting and making sure the timing is right but i think that's true for the lifestyle as well right you don't want to interrupt anybody while they're in the middle of an orgy and ask them hey what kind of fucking lube are you using that's true you don't want to get your pen and paper out and stand there and be like, and he's doing what now? Okay, I'll just take that down.
So did you, you know, you're exploring a lot here. You're in a brand new kind of space, really, you know, again, with those different intentions. Even though you've been to things before, I would classify this as a new space because you have completely different intentions going in. Did you and Belle get comfortable enough to start exploring between yourselves that night, or was it just really an exploration into this type of event for you? Did you have any, I guess, desires to do anything? So that evening, we actually did not do much.
That was mainly because, again, I didn't, you know, I didn't bring like a play bag with me. Again, my expectations were very low. I was sort of coming in there to just absorb the space and see whether it was something that, whether it was something that we wanted to come back to and explore again. And it certainly was, and there were certain things that really enticed Bell as well. So, you know, just some of the shibari that was done, that was one of the most active.
I mean, I've seen shibari before, but that shibari section of the dungeon was so active and it was just it was hypnotic to just watch.
I mean, you remember at Podcastapalooza when you had the shibari instructor, that was just really great to watch and i think specifically with some of the uh flogging that was going on on the saint andrew's cross as well as some of the benches around the room i was looking at those and saying you know what when we come back here i'm gonna get bell on one of those things and we're gonna put on a hell of a show i'm already picturing in my mind what outfit she's going to wear. I know what I'm going to wear. It's going to be real. So I'm really excited to go back to it.
But for that night, we were just in learning mode. Which is great. And I mean, you mentioned before that the general makeup of a lifestyle event is that you get dressed up, you go there, you want to look sexy, you want to feel sexy, you want to enter that environment and kind of portray that sexiness. So while you were there, had you flipped, I guess, your perceptions on its head as to what was sexy, you know, as people are starting to create scenes and you're walking around and you're watching people with the floggers and you're watching people really enjoy their own passion.
Did you feed off that energy in that room in that way? Like, did that kind of change your perception about, I guess, what sexy is? You know, it's not necessarily just walking in with a really sexy outfit on. It's, you know, it's everything else that goes along with it. That's right. That's right. And there are two observations I'll reflect on now. One is there was one couple in there that was actually having sex in the dungeon space, which is not something we had expected to see.
Partially because once we walked in and looked around in the environment, we were like, hmm, this isn't quite the space that I'd want to have sex in. But there was this couple that was doing it. And this woman was having sex and she was really loud and she was moaning. And I just remember feeling like, wow, if we were in a lifestyle space, that would be really sexy. But in this BDSM space, it feels really disruptive. It was just really jarring to have that switch. And so that was one thing.
The other thing is that I think, and this is where I'll come back to the body positivity comment I had made earlier, is that in lifestyle spaces, when I think body positivity, for me, it means, well, you know, you're opening your doors and, you know, no matter what people's body type is, you know, they're welcome. They can dress as sexy as they want to be. And that's fine. Whether they're big, you know, whether they're, you know, short or whatever, it's fine.
But what I've come to understand and observe in the lifestyle is that even if you have a space where all kinds of body types are welcome, there's still this natural hierarchy that is there that values, you know, super fit people. And so those will still be the ones that get all the attention.
Those will be the ones that, you people gravitate to there are exceptions of course like if you're a content creator and you're an entertainment personality like no matter what you look like you're going to get attention but i think in general in lifestyle spaces there's still that hierarchy even though you say it's body positive there's still the hierarchy that puts those uh who are more fit at the top however in a bdsm space i think while we were in that dungeon, I got the sense that this was truly body positive because there was no hierarchy based on your fitness or the kind of clothes you were wearing in there.
Your power and your popularity and the extent to which folks would gravitate to you really had more to do with what I saw was for your ability to actually engage with this space. Like, can you flog well? Can you actually give subs the kind of experience that they're looking for? You know, I saw some pretty big folks that had lines of people waiting to engage in a scene with them. Folks that we typically don't see in lifestyle spaces getting a lot of attention would get a lot of attention here.
But I also saw people who were really like fit and, you know, you know, just these like supermodel bodies that were in there that weren't really getting that much attention at all. You know, that was just really interesting to me. That was like, this is really, this is really body positive here because there doesn't seem to be much of a hierarchy that's associated with one's fitness or attractiveness or physical sexual presentation. And I thought that was so interesting.
You know, what you're saying there makes a lot of sense because when you talk about the lifestyle and the big umbrella or just generally even of non-monogamy, we do say, hey, you know, we're really inclusive and everything else. But I agree with your statement that once you start hitting those fringe events, so whether that's like bisexual events, whether that's hot wifing events, whether that's specific, you know, BDSM and kink events, when you start hitting, I think, those more fringe, more niche events or spaces, that's where I actually would agree with you.
I think I have seen a more diverse person. Our time even in Oasis in Toronto, I did notice there for the hot wifing night, I noticed more diverse body shapes in women than I think I've seen anywhere else. And that was a hot wifing night.
So I can see how you would see that in this space and how people might gravitate to somebody who has not only got a skill for their craft, but a passion for as well you know so it is about hey what are your rules of engagement you know what do you know about this what how how can you do this particular thing and you flog can you do this can you do that you know sensory play sensory deprivation that sort of thing so that is you know really interesting an interesting thing i guess and you know we all want to try to be as like inclusive and diverse as we can but to your point you know yeah you can open the doors but unless people in those spaces are actively having those open arms as well there can be hierarchy so yeah that's really really interesting so when you guys when you left there what was kind of your let's talk about two things i mean we've spoken about a lot of the misconceptions you had but when you left there what was a really positive something that you walked away with like something energy something that you walked away with like i gotta try this we're gonna do this or that was just amazing what was something really positive and maybe like what was something that you know was a lessons learned for you about these misconceptions it could be or just about how you even play or in your own dynamic in the swingers lifestyle like did you take something away where you've, shit, that needs to go in the bin and I need to now bring this forward to the forefront?
Yeah, I think that one thing I walked away with was it made me reflect on some of the things that I've already been doing or we've already been experiencing in the lifestyle, but we don't necessarily consider it in the BDSM space. So, for example, when I saw some of the comfort care that folks were doing in between their play activities or whatever, you know, there was a lot of massaging, there was a lot of touching, there was a lot of comforting, right? And I just reflected on how much of this that we do or that we should be doing in the lifestyle a little bit more.
Who doesn't a massage right do we see that as a little bit too intimate in the lifestyle like those acts that you just spoke about cuddling touching like embracing i think generally people in the lifestyle would be like that seems to be in the relationship realm and maybe that's a little bit too intimate oh yeah i would i would agree and so and and so i think that's that might be more in line with aftercare and I would agree. So I'm more so thinking about, and I'm still trying to figure that part out, but I'm also thinking about just, just the massaging sort of easing folks into the session.
And so there's a lot of rubbing of the skin. You know, I remember when we first started in the lifestyle, we used to do these massage trains and I got really good at massages. I just remember tapping into that and thinking about it. And I'm like, wow, I could incorporate that into my BDSM scenes as a way of getting the skin ready for impact play, right?
If you've taken any workshops, right, there's a lot of dialogue around just dialogue around just getting the body ready, whether it's light spanking or it's just this rubbing or touching or tapping or just sort of running the flogger up against someone's skin backside back or just the back of their thigh. Right. And I'm and I was just remember as we were driving home, I was describing this to the bell and I'm like, wow, doesn't that sound sexy? Forget the label of BDSM for a second and just think about just these sensations on the skin.
And it just sort of opened me up because I think in the lifestyle, I'm not going to lie. I'm trying to smash, okay? Like that's usually the lifestyle. That's what I'm trying to do.
But I think the longer I i've been in the lifestyle i've been thinking about all these other ways to please a partner um that that's not really just that's outside of smashing right and so it just opened doors as far as the variety of things you can do in that regard and i'm just gonna lift up podcast for loser again because one of the rooms i used to love going into was the sensual room because I could be in there for hours, right? I mean, I can't smash for hours, but I could definitely be in there giving massages. And I just like the idea that I can incorporate that into my BDSM journey.
Yeah. I think that's something to be said about, like I said, you're warming up the skin. I mean, we obviously don't go and run a marathon without doing some sort of, you know, warm up and everything else. But it is something that I think gives us an element of like, I see you as well. There's an element of, I don't know, somehow respect there. It's hard for me to kind of put this into words, but it's, you know, I'm not just here to smash.
Like there is, you know, I see you, you know, I'm appreciating you and I'm appreciating your body and your skin and your curves and your color and your texture and you know, I see you, you know, I'm appreciating you and I'm appreciating your body and your skin and your curves and your color and your texture and, you know, the shape of your nipples, whatever that looks like, you know, I think.
So with some of that more, you know, that sensual, that warming up, I think that's where those things come into play, you know, whereas if we're in, say, a hot and heavy like orgy room, there's no time for that.
So it is a very sensation for sure that's right and and the the also um one thing about bdsm is there's a strong there's a strong mindfulness component to it sort of being in the present and just appreciating the body of this partner and that really does take the pressure off quite a bit right um you know for For, you know, me speaking as a man in particular, like, you know, making sure that you're able to get an erection, making sure that you're performing well, making sure that the partner that you have is warmed up so that y'all can get hot and heavy.
There's a lot of pressure in the lifestyle. This is, it's not, it's not easy. It's not as easy as it sounds sometimes. I feel like just that act of appreciating another person's body with your hands, it just, it takes the pressure off. It's relaxing for both you and the other partner. And one of the key aspects of actually being able to enjoy sex is being able to relax, you know? Yeah, exactly. And, you know, by doing that with your partner, you're allowing them to get into that headspace.
And I think the other thing, too is that when you're, I'll take that orgy room as an example, when we're in there, it's quite easy. You know, you mentioned about wandering, you know, or really looking at your partner and appreciating your partner. I think when we're in these bigger spaces, it is quite easy for our minds to wander. I mean, there's, you know, there's noises in the background. Obviously there's a lot of eye candy. There's a lot of, don't get me wrong. I mean, this shit's amazing.
It's great.'s great it's great to see like I'm not I am absolutely not shitting all over an orgy room here that would be horrible as well it was bad terminology but what I mean by that is like it can sometimes take the focus away from our own pleasure and what we're doing with our partner and I think in some of these scenes it's your you're really focused on what's happening with your with your partner And I think as a result of that they feel seen which means they're more comfortable And then they're able to then explore really what they want So I guess what's what's next for for the bomber and the bell at the moment?
Like what is what is next for you guys now that you're exploring this? Have you got any you're gonna go back to this event? I mean you said before they're really confident in coming back. Are you coming back? What's happening?
Yeah, so we are going back there is an event happening on the 17th i believe uh at the crucible black and kinky's next event that should be on a friday but yeah we def we're definitely going back you know i got my flogger i got a few other tools on the way and you know we're on fat life we're going to be going to a few more of these events and yeah i think it's a journey we're on and and we're gonna we're gonna keep keep pushing this along there's a lot of play events play parties that we attend that have these these bdsm spaces and i think we're going to be spending a lot more time in those spaces after after this experience we had so i'm really excited.
Yeah, that sounds amazing. I'm excited to hear about your journey as well. Now, you did allude to something and I'm going to give you guys a plug because you alluded to speaking a little bit about this, but you said you think it might have been on Patreon. Now, for those out there listening, Patreon is a platform where you can support your content creators and Black and Kinky Bomber, what is your Patreon?
So if people want to hear about this i guess your your raw your pillow talk where can they go and find that and uh and subscribe and support yeah it will be www.patreon.com slash black and kinky pretty easy to find you can also find it on our website at black and kinky lifestyle.com but you can also email us at blackandkinkyylifestyle at gmail.com just reach out to us we could always use more support you know trying to make the show better but yeah come check us out it's been great talking to you bomber and of course again guys check out the show notes today so this is bomber and bell from the black and kinky lifestyle podcast who are releasing a series of black and sex throughout the the month of February for Black History Month.
Please do go and check out those amazing content creators that you guys are going to be interesting. Like I said to you, the one that you released 20 hours ago, it's on my phone. I'm heading to the gym tomorrow and I've got it downloaded, ready to listen to. I'm really excited. But thank you for sharing your journey with us. Thank you for everything that you do in the podcasting community as well.
i hope you guys enjoyed that episode all about sort of swinging into bdsm kink and exploration if you've got any questions please drop me an email and contact us everywhere that you would like to thanks again bomb it's great to have you on the show thank you kate appreciate it
