P93 – Solo MFM Threesome with Sex Uninterrupted

Transcript

You're listening to Swinging Down Under, a podcast about the swinging, non-monogamous lifestyle from two crazy Australians with over four years of lifestyle antics to keep you entertained, informed, angry, happy and horny. Join our international swinging adventures. And welcome. I'm C, crazy female Australian sheila and believer of all things love, balance and sexy times. And this is Dee. I'll be doing my best to keep the dad jokes to a minimum, which is probably going to be highly unlikely. Along with that, I'll keep C and check where I can. Did I mention I'm a pilot?

We'll be your podcast hosts for today, sit back and enjoy the sweet sweet melodies. G'day everyone and welcome back to Swinging Down Under. This is episode 93. Today is a fantastic interview that we actually had with Sex Uninterrupted but it is a little bit different. We actually gave the reins over to Sex Uninterrupted to interview us and this is about some recent solo play that we've had. So Daryl went and had an MFM, a male female male threesome with some good friend of ours, and he played separately. And this was really new for us.

So we wanted to take the opportunity to talk about it on the podcast, but in a little bit of a different way, because if you get other people to interview you, we figured they're going to ask some different questions and give a little bit of a different opinion and a different flavor to things so thank you very much to James and Tara again you'll hear from them soon when we talk all about our experiences playing separately playing solo and Daryl having a fantastic threesome so that is coming up soon before we get into the interview though as always just a couple of updates that I wanted to share with you today we have recently been on two other podcasts So I was on a podcast with Debbie from the Uncomfortable blog, and that's episode number 31.

And we were talking about masturbation and about self-pleasure. So if you want to go and check out that episode, you want to hear about me talking about masturbation, you can head over to the Uncomfortable blog. And I will also put the links in for today's episode show notes as well. So if you don't remember, just click on the links down underneath this podcast episode. We also had a fantastic discussion on Friday the 13th with Tristan Taramino. Now, Tristan Taramino is a sex educator and is also the host of the weekly show Sex Out Loud on Voice America. It was a fantastic time.

We got up super early because we were over in Myanmar in the morning. And we just spoke about what it means to us to be ethically non-monogamous, what it means to travel the world, travel around Asia, and some countries where perhaps even sex toys are illegal. So we really want to thank Tristan for having us on the Sex Out Loud podcast. When we reached out to her to see if she was interested in having us on the show, and she returned our messages, you know, we were really, really humbled to be part of that.

So you can head over sex out loud friday the 13th unlucky for some apparently lucky for swinging down under and listen to daryl and i talk to tristan about everything to do with non-monogamy we also had some fantastic people dial in and actually on the live radio show as well so head over there and check that out now an update on miami as well so we are so excited about podcaster palooza in mi in May 2020. We are now actually a third of the way sold out. But more importantly, we have actually new sponsors. And I wanted to mention these guys.

So Playhouse LV are a members only exclusive club and event hosts in Las Vegas. And they've just come on as a sponsor for Podcasterpalooza.

So we really are humbled by the support that these people are giving us for this event next year it is our inaugural event so thank you very much guys and of course double date nation are our naming sponsor as well so thank you very much to those two for making the event something spectacular we're really really humbled by the support from the content creators just the community out there and of course also fantastic brands like these so as i mentioned we are a third of the way sold out so if you're interested in joining us at podcaster palooza you can go online www.podcast-a-palooza.com and check it out now lastly we have no new patreons this uh this episode to talk about but if you do want to sign up to patreon you can go to patreon.com forward slash swinging down under i am about to actually publish an article on adapting and changing your swing style So Daryl and I have recently undergone some changes to the way that we're approaching the lifestyle.

We will be recording a podcast actually in about three to four episodes on this and how we've adapted and how things have perhaps changed a little bit over the years for us. So that's to come. And we've had a lot of changes recently, looking a lot into how we've been approaching the lifestyle down here in Asia and how we need to probably adapt a little bit or make things a little bit differently than what we might do in Australia or the United States. So that's coming up and that's on patreon.com forward slash swinging and under if you want to join us over there.

Okay, let's now get into the episode. We want to thank you, James and Tara again from Sex Uninterrupted. Go and check out their podcast, their radio show on Voice America. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to interview Daryl and I about this threesome. And I hope you guys enjoy this. We'd love to hear your feedback. As always, iTunes reviews, emails, please bring it on, guys. Have a fantastic day. We'll talk to you all soon. Hi, guys. Welcome back. We are here with James and Tara from Sex Uninterrupted. Thank you very much for joining us, guys. Thanks for having us on your show.

Thank you. All the way over from Canada. Now, Canada has many locations. Canada. You know, one of which is Toronto. And there's other ones other than Toronto. Isn't that right, Tara? Always. There's a few others. There are. Just Vancouver.

So, James and Tara obviously are in Canada and we are talking to them super early in the morning over here with coffee at the helm and it's obviously their uh their afternoon so they've taken time out of their day to come and talk to us about you're talking at this time of the morning you really are thank you again guys really appreciate it yes thank you thank you for having us i like this different perspective of uh getting to see daryl in the morning because uh He is not a morning person. One of these days, mate.

One of these days you'll be able to roll over and look me in the eyes early in the morning. Oh, that's fine. Have a bro moment. I'm hoping that'll be sometime soon, man. Good, good. What we're doing today is a little bit different. We're actually going to hand over to James and Tara to interview us about a recent threesome with some solo play involved. We thought it would be a new perspective, so I'm going to give the bold straight to you guys. James and Tara from Sex Uninterrupted, you are officially doing a reverse swinging down under. How does that even work? Reverse swinging down under?

Well, it's just like a reverse cowgirl, but with the guy on on top up right you can be sure I'll draw a picture for you so you guys did you so when I'm obviously like we're just gonna go into a dynamic of thinking about like your guys's relationship in relation to somewhat ours and how you guys got to the point where you are so how long you guys been in lifestyle five years now we've been a lifestyle for five years we've been together for ten and so just over ten so more than half of our time together now has been in non-monogamous relationship sweet and so did you guys start out playing together yes absolutely yeah in fact it's kind of odd odd for us that we don't, is the honest answer.

I think that would be like the toughest thing for us, because a big thing for us is watching each other experience pleasure. And it would take like that whole level out. Yeah, I think that's, well, that's certainly the same for me.

In fact, when if the instances where Kate has played alone, I'm actually, I still request things like video and photos so that I can see what's going on um I think yeah to remain connected and involved right yeah but I think that's probably something a little different about this session with me is that you weren't interested in that not wanted weren't interested but it wasn't your thing yeah that that's an interesting distinction actually and you guys might be asking about this later but with Daryl's recent play I didn't have a desire to get photos and videos and feel like that.

I was cool without it and that's just a difference of us. It's not a bad thing or a right thing or a wrong thing.

It's just that I wasn't – it's not something that I particularly want, need, desire or anything like that where it is as it is for him it's a big driver and he enjoys it and he watches it later and you know uses it for his own sexual pleasure so bit of a difference right my own sexual pleasure i've never heard the term masturbation made to sound so good dirty dirty wanking like daryl have you played alone before or is this the first this is the first time yeah very very first time yeah so then have you have you like explored maybe sending photos or would you explore that in the future to see if possibly that's something that you might like or is that just like oh no i like it i think oh no i like it i think the problem here is that it's it's more that kate's not particularly interested in receiving it no it's a question for her oh sorry you started with you started with daryl well yeah and then well i'm talking about you can't address the question to me and then well you answered and then i asked another okay a good idea yeah yeah okay she's always right Daryl, just move on, dude.

I don't know, then I asked another. Okay, a good idea, yeah. Yeah, okay. She's always right, Daryl, just to move on, dude. I know, I know. Honestly, I don't know. I mean, yes, that's probably something that we would explore if the opportunity arises again because, like anything, a new sex toy or a new sex position or a new sexual partner, you don't know what you're going to like until you experience it.

So, yeah, I think absolutely think absolutely you know and then how i respond to that being am i sexually aroused or not or is it just like oh cool they're having fun you know who who knows i wouldn't know that until it's kind of i'm facing it really yeah some people get really turned on by that yeah well certainly i do that's the compersion aspect right of seeing your significant other happy satisfied fulfilled yes that sortion aspect, right? Of seeing your significant other happy, satisfied, fulfilled. Yes. That sort of aspect, right?

But I wanted to go back to, so you guys started out playing together and you've had odd times where Kate has played alone. This is your first time playing alone, Daryl. How long do you think it took, like in an evolutionary scale, not necessarily in a timeline, but how long did it take for you guys to start being comfortable enough or develop enough communication and comfortability to start playing alone? I think there's a few aspects of this.

For starters, for me, and I think I'm speaking for both of us here, but I'll be told if I'm not, the idea of us just playing solo with anyone is still not something we're comfortable with. Well, not generally. All of the people that we've played with solo, whether it's Kate or myself, have been people that we've played with together previously. That would be one of my other questions. And they're people that we trust, you know, that we both trust, and we both know that there wouldn't be anything untoward.

Certainly for me, one of the concerns with Kate playing alone is that she's comfortable and doesn't end up doing something that she feels obligated to do rather than actually wanting to do. So that aspect of it for me means that I have to know and trust the people that she's with. Whether that'll change in future, I don't know. Maybe that'll evolve as well. but right now I need to understand who they are and what they're about and actually have the ability to know that they're not going to do anything that will upset her.

So now about the how did we get to that point or how long did it take us or what were the conversations, I'd probably say that Daryl started talking about a fantasy of some role play, you know picking up a guy in a bar and then kind of taking him back to the room or being on a business trip and you know setting up with his permission of course like some sort of video and then sending it to daryl that was a fantasy role play that we'd spoken about i'm gonna say maybe one year before i actually had some solo play and again as he mentioned with it wasn't in that exact scenario that he brought forward.

It was with people that we'd known before. But it took a lot of initial conversation, you know, how to make sure that we were both comfortable in that. And it's not just down to, you know, him saying, I want you to go do this and me needing to make sure that he's getting what he wanted, you know, i.e. videos, lead up, flirting. It was about me and me feeling comfortable as well.

You know, I think know i think yes it's good idea to try and help your partner in maybe some of their desires as well but without pushing your own personal boundaries too far to the point of where it's an actual boundary break you know maybe just a boundary flex so that probably took i think about a year of me feeling comfortable and him feeling comfortable and us actually communicating what we both needed, wanted and desired to be able to make it work. Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

So it did take some time and some communication, some understanding and, frankly, probably a little bit of pushing as well. You know, boundaries are not easy to bend, especially when there's something like that. So that certainly took a little bit of time for us to rationalise that we could go down this track without anything going wrong, which is the most important thing, right? Thank you.

like that so that that certainly took a little bit of time for us to rationalize that we could go go down this track without anything going wrong which is the most important thing right that's very much like us honestly um we like still don't play alone and it takes us a long time to become comfortable with specific people and it's only people that we've have a consistent relationship with because i think that goes to that comfortability level um daryl this is a question for you for me um my previous relationships i wasn't necessarily the most honest individual i was called myself a cheater um i wasn't able to express the things that i wanted to express so i went and did them otherwise without telling my significant other ever since i got into non-monogamy i've realized that i never want to go back to that place because now i have a partner that i can discuss all of this shit with and i can actually talk about it all and i can actually bring it to the forefront of the conversation and say hey you know i'm feeling like i'm not getting enough or hey i'd like to try this or hey and we can have those conversations but what i've realized with playing alone i've never wanted to go back to a place where i felt like I was cheating.

Yeah. Even though you weren't. So I don't know about you, but is there some sort of drawback that you take that you think that there might be something that might come between the two of you in playing alone? The only concern I had is that, you know, just like you, I suppose, historically my significant other has offered me, and not necessarily sexually, but, you know, a day out with the guys, for example. Do you want to, I'm going to go, I'm going to have a night out. And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's fine. And then you suffer the consequences of it afterward.

You know, I think a lot of us have been put in that position that we're trying to. You mean out drinking and stuff? Yeah, but just trying to guess whether you are actually going to pay a penalty for things sometime in the future is something that a lot of relationships have to deal with. And certainly all of my non-monogamous relationships have been exactly like that, you know, where I've had, sorry, all my monogamous relationships have been exactly like that, where I have to guess whether this is going to be a problem or not.

And certainly this time around with me playing solo, I needed to, I felt uncomfortable in the yes answer.

So I spent an awful lot of time trying to figure out whether that yes was an actual yes or whether it was a yes because i feel guilty that i've done it and you haven't or some you know some other thing that was going to eventually yeah some other thing that was eventually going to bite me in the ass now that's not anything to do with kate that's more to do with me and my history history and, you know, you hit a dog with a stick often enough and all you have to do is pull out the stick and they know what's coming, you know, is the best way to see it.

So that's what – that's exactly – and given your cat experience this morning with the bell, it's actually a fairly apt description. So, yeah, that's something that I had to get around as well and actually be trusting that Kate would not lose her shit post solo play. Well, and that is really interesting, too, because it goes to the dynamic of Kate, you not wanting to have pictures. Yeah. Right. For me, that would be wanting to share this experience with her while I'm going through it. Right. Like, and that's just that aspect. Right.

I don't know how i would feel about it i think in like that's the gemini in me one side of me would be like yes send me all the pictures i want to know everything and the other side would be like no because that possibly could trigger something too yeah it's actually funny because um when he heard me say about the photos and videos it wasn't me saying don't send them i don't I don't want to see them, or it's going to make me mad, or I'm really against them. I actually was saying, I don't need them. Like, I don't, that's not something that I need. So I think there's a distinct difference.

And I actually said to him in one of the text messages just before he was going in, I said, hey, don't shame me for not wanting pictures and videos, because we were struggling with the fact that that's something he desires and needs and wants. And then I was, and because I said, you're different, I'm different. And I don't like, you know, I'm not either, either way, like I'm not, I'm on the fence about it. You know, you don't need to, you do need to.

And so he, then he took that as I didn't want, and therefore maybe I don't want this scenario to happen as well and i actually did say to him i'm like don't shame me for my sexual preferences and he wrote back he's like what the fuck dude i'm not shaming you i could just picture that yeah that was a bit rough that was i don't know before you go into perfect timing kate yeah yeah three minutes before the start you know so yeah that was that was an interesting already at an all-time high yeah don't don't shame me yeah so y'all afterwards like did you I was wondering when I was going to get the the text message of like hey you know where we're finished now or hey we're lying here you know afterwards that I was wondering when that was gonna come so I recall looking at about, I'm going to say like one hour later and I was like, huh, it's still playing like cool.

And, but actually that I think that just stopped and he hadn't yet texted me. So at that point, like I wasn't angry about it. I was just like, Oh, look at that. You know? So I was just waiting for him to text me and then tell me, Hey, we're done. Or Hey, we did this and then offer some kind of information about it.

And he didn't offer that up front like I then we spoke later on the phone maybe I'm going to say two hours after it happened I was needing to like really it was like getting blood out of a stone like hey what'd you do oh and what positions did you do and then he'd be like oh we had sex like cool but like like how did it happen what did you do did you go down on her you know like that took a bit he wouldn't he wasn't offering that up to me i had to really get it out of him maybe that's because pictures are easier for him to describe well not even just that that goes to the whole point of um you thinking that you might get in trouble for saying something yeah absolutely like totally yeah that's where it's built comes back around right like and you're you're worried about how she's going to take it how she's going to react yep right yeah i get it because again you know we we even even in our journey you know i've i've done some things or we've we've done some things that we didn't realize were actually going to be a problem for the other person you know um and then for example i came in somebody's mouth and and that uh that really upset kate and we weren't really it didn't upset me it just took me for a spin because again you don't know how you're going to react to something until you see it and the first time he did it i was like fuck that happened you know like we hadn't thought about to discuss it and it was super early on i remember just saying to him like until a circumstance happens you don't know how you're going to react and that's why even with this like he was worried about me you know getting upset after and as i actually we spoke about this briefly on your podcast in naughty in new orleans which is how many times do you have to say yes it's okay before the person will just take you at face value and then if that person gets shitty at you then you know they need to call me on my shit like if i came back and i was angry at him i was like how could you do that you know and he said well you told me to like he needs to call me on my shit but equally if i've come back and i'm going i know i said yes but shit now after the fact you know all these emotions are happening this is how i feel i don't think that we're ready for this probably let's not do it again you know that's when he would respect that boundary but you know i think it would be unfair for a person to come back and be like you know you did that and you know if they just said you fucking told me to it is unfair but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen yeah and it doesn't mean it won't happen because you can understand that you know it's all very very easy to say something up front it's easy to use words and then when the emotions become involved everything changes right so that was my concern and that's what I've been caught and burnt by in the past.

So, you know, again, with the dog and stick analogy, it's kind of what you're expecting almost. So you're absolutely right.

The reason that I was not forthcoming with what had happened, you know, ultimately was because I was concerned that I may have done something wrong, you know, in inverted comm then kate's like just tell me fuck yeah pretty pretty much why are you not telling me yeah that was pretty much how it went but uh and then and then she starts second guessing and thinking a little bit too much about well did you do something that i might not be okay with actually no i didn't do that i knew what he was going.

So when that all happened and I was trying to get information out of him, I stopped pushing him because I could tell that he was living in an uncomfortable space about this and he needed to process it. And I think that's super important. You know, it's like when you have a fight with your partner. I know we were talking to you guys about this too. Sometimes you can have that discussion up front. Sometimes you just need the person just to have their own space for a little bit.

And so… I mean, we've never had a fight yeah right if i can start me today agreements we we do we we don't either we're perfect hello we haven't had a fight today yeah it is uh you know seven o'clock a.m so oh i love mornings We have at least two of those a week. Right before he leaves for work. Fuck you. So it was something that I could tell his resistance was because he needed to actually internally process it and he wasn't ready to talk to me yet. So I dropped it. We didn't talk about that because he was away. He was away from me in a whole other country for another four or five days.

Oh, my God. Yeah, so we didn't get to connect. So I didn't press it anymore. I just let him until he came back, flew back into the country, and then we went out for coffee, I think, and I was like, hey, do you want to talk about it? Because I could tell he wasn't ready and I didn't want to push him. If he volunteered it during those four or five days, I would be receptive to it, but he didn't. So I just waited for him to come home and then it was more of a safer space. And I said, hey, do you want to talk about this?

I think that has a lot to do with the comfort that we have with the particular couple that I played with as well, right? I mean, we've known them for nearly as long as we've been in the lifestyle.

You know, they've proven to us more than once that they're friends first and you know swinging buddies second you know i have yeah i i have i have no doubt if we made the decision tomorrow to remove ourselves from this style this lifestyle they would continue as lifelong friends you know that there'd be no difference in the way we act around them so i think that that really helped you a lot as well because I think, you know, even if you wanted to reach out to somebody, you could have reached out to one of them and they would have happily told you what went on. Oh, sure.

With no reservations whatsoever around what it was and no concerns about they'd done something wrong because it's – honestly, looking back now, it wasn't really about Kate's concern. It was more around mine as to why it wasn't discussed. Well, and this goes to this whole thing about like, take your time, right? Like really understand and take your time. You don't have to rush to like meet all these steps in the lifestyle. Yeah, right. Because we had this moment where we had talked about fantasies and trying to have them fulfilled for one another. Like this is just one of the things.

And we had gotten to a point where we had come close to a fantasy of mine, but didn't really reach the actual point of the fantasy of what I wanted. But what ended up happening afterwards was is that I was kind of, again of again kind of like you kind of recluse into myself trying to think about the process and try to process everything that went on within that evening and it took me a lot longer than it usually takes me because it was something brand new it was and I was excited for him I was like yeah you got your fantasy like Aren't you pumped? Aren't you excited? Yay you, yay us.

But anyways, it was just a whole dynamic of how it's interesting that you take your time to process the whole dynamic of what happened. And then you're like, okay, now maybe I'm ready to say it. It's just like we talked about in New Orleans, about just even saying sorry.

You can say sorry and or somebody can give you the go ahead but it's not until that actually happens do you actually realize whether or not it's going to be forgiven or you can actually go or feel like going and doing it and here's something that i thought was interesting in this this whole scenario people out there are going to be listening to this and are going to think daryl got he had sex like he had a threesome without kate like fuck yeah like bam like go you like why would there be anything that you could even possibly need to think about you fucking had sex with two other people he had a threesome like that's fucking awesome there's people out there that this is uh like something beyond their wildest dreams and they're going to be listening to this going why is there a problem here and i think it's important to note that everybody's going to you know have, different feelings.

And for Daryl, he needed to process that, like what you said, James, he's not cheating. This is not wrong. I know that I'm not going to be angry about this. And those are all just real emotions that come up, you know, in these sorts of, I guess, non-monogamous relationships. Everybody's different, right? Yeah. And acknowledging those emotions is how you grow, too, because if you stuff those away, it's either going to come out in like bad ways.

I just I understand because for me, it took it's going to take for us a long time to figure out how we're going to change our rules and boundaries, because like you guys, it's taken us a long fucking time to get where we are now. And a lot of communication and a lot of breakdown and a lot of tears and a lot of fights and a lot of communication and a lot of breakdown and a lot of tears and a lot of fights and a lot of different stuff about how we progress in this lifestyle. And we're all going to progress differently. Yeah.

And I think the word, I have some sort of problem with the word progression as well, because I don't think there needs to be any.

If you come into it and you're happy with your adding, just adding a third to your relationship and that's as far as you want to go then that's it that that you know don't there's no reason you know i think for some reason in this and i've said this before you know it starts with a single for a lot of couples you know generally a single lady added to the group um and then it might be like same room sex no that's the generally the next step has become same room is it becomes same room, then it's soft swap and then it becomes full swap and then the word DP or something else comes into that.

It's almost like there's a stack of cards that you're building and honestly, unless you've got that foundational card set up right, you're going to actually end up in a fairly interesting relationship where you're possibly doing things that you're one not interested in or two actually really upset you and you're just internalizing that rather than just because it's you feel like you have to make that progression can i be devil's advocate i know we're getting a little bit off track but i want to be devil's advocate about the word progression i think progression can mean many things i don't think it necessarily means moving forward or taking other i think progression can actually be within your own relationship and in your own emotions and in your own communication and in your own trust that can be a progression in a relationship you know so when james is talking about like progression i think you can take that and say well hey it's because you know how many years ago they couldn't have even had these conversations about desires and the growth and everything else and now you guys are having, not only are you having the conversations, you're actually talking about, well, here's something I desire.

How could this look in our relationship? What is the possibilities within our relationship? And that's a pretty big progression for a couple to make and just be super open and be like, hey, how could we maybe make this happen? And whether that's role play in the bedroom or role play in a bar, doesn't even need to involve other people, but that's a pretty big progression. So, bam, mic drop. I feel like we're taking over our own podcast and we should get back to sex uninterrupted. Do you guys have a desire to continue playing alone? Like, I know you guys are apart a lot, right?

Like, because you guys work apart. So do you guys have a desire to do this again and go down this path again? Or is it kind of like, well, this is how it was or one time deal? Um, no, I think, uh, ultimately with the right people, we would consider this again. Certainly I would.

And I, I know Kate's, Kate's had more than one experience and i actually quite enjoy watching that from afar you know being involved from a distance is quite exciting for me so i i'm from my side i would say yeah i would absolutely be happy for this to happen again and uh actually while you were just talking about i was actually going to pretend i was really angry with you saying that and i'm like no that's not a funny joke no it's not that's not funny at all. That's not a funny joke, Kate.

Actually, as you were just talking, I was actually going to pretend I was really angry with you saying that and then I'm like, no, that's not a funny joke. No, it's not. That's not funny at all. That's not a funny joke, Kate. Actually, as you were saying that, I was just going through and listening and processing and thinking, do I want this to happen again? I'm going to bring up something that I haven't even spoken to you about.

I think yes, but for me it would be an interesting avenue to explore that I would play with somebody and whatever that looks like, I don't know't know right now because i've just literally thought about it but without sending video and photos to you and then the flip side of that do you know what i mean so like i know that's something that you need but could there be an element of um freedom if you will not freedom is probably not the right word that's probably an exploded word but an opportunity to see what that would look like you know with with then and then being able to come back and tell you that story you know that's a possibility that yeah absolutely video evidence afterwards type deal yeah or like just just not necessarily needing to have because when we spoke about this and um we up with the communication because he was like i'd like to see videos and photos and i'm like well how many and like because i'm obviously you know very project focused i was like how many how often what do you need like what you know because in my head i'm like if i don't do these exact things then he's going to be angry or he's going to feel like disappointed and so that's yeah and so that was you know when these things are happening when i'm talking about playing with somebody i've got to i've got to tell the other people hey i need photos i need video because i need to fulfill so you feel that it's somewhat restrictive in in some cases that you have to have that conversation and yeah we we kind of did touch on this we didn't really get to that level i i don't really see an issue with that and and the only thing for me is i i want to understand what happened and that's part of the excitement to me so with that being the case then i mean it goes from taking videos to taking notes yeah so the answer to your question is yes we probably would explore this i don't see any reason why we wouldn't and what that shape looks like in the future i have no idea yeah we might play play alone but separate play play together but alone that makes no sense at all but you know but like if you were at if you were like naughty nolens and you like went up with a couple and kate was out like getting interviews on bourbon street it's a nice um nice solution to some of the issues that we face at naughty nolens yes yeah you can go take your afternoon actually i can i say i know at least one lady on the opposite end of this call that might want to stay in the hotel and hang out with me.

And you can go and both do interviews on Bourbon Street. No, I like that you guys made a, and I don't even want to say progression, but it's kind of interesting that, because there are people that start out playing alone and then start doing it together. Because sometimes they're like, oh, I don't want to see my significant other in that light, right? And it's kind of really interesting to see Daryl's perspective of saying, I really want to see you in that.

And don't want to see my significant other in that light right and it's kind of really interesting to see Daryl's perspective of saying I really want to see you in that and I really want to see you in that moment you want to see me oh hell yeah oh fuck yeah I like I give encouragement when we're together like yeah fuck her good man get that pussy go yeah like that's that's one of the things that I like about one about the lifestyle about like you know cheering on other guys while they're fucking your wife it's just I don't know for me it's like go get a man my wife is my favorite porn star you know that's what somebody said to me before and I totally agree with it I mean I really enjoy watching it and you know those videos that you sent me from both occasions videos and photos are still something that still epically turned me on and you know yeah absolutely you know what's interesting about this though is from the last solo play they've been in the lifestyle for a very long time but he's never had video of this of his wife with somebody else and he's like i'm going to take the time here you know i've got time to to do this so and he's like this is one of my favorite things so I'm hopeful that I've managed to help him out with that as well which I think I have everybody wins fantasy for a lot of people is to have well and a lot of people don't think about like whipping out your phone and taking video while you're having sex because you're in the mood of having sex right here because you're too busy whipping out your dick not the phone yeah oh totally it's a problem i'm gonna set this i'm gonna set up our diva light right at the end of the bed from now on and just stick the camera right there why not yep sounds good don't do that please my god our bed just becomes a porn set every night no not happening okay fine then but yes you just have to hide it better he'll get punched in the balls no yeah dick punch straight in the ball daryl what advice do you have for guys that are looking to play alone in their relationship that maybe is still in the phases of like not playing alone not playing alone that's a really good question i mean it's a tough one to answer as well because it comes down to every every couple's interaction right um i would say that the honesty is the most important part is which is generally an underlying principle i think in this this style of relationship is that you have to be honest with yourself and with your partner and and again that might might cause some concerns or problems on the way through but the only way to get through it is to discuss it and find out whether it's a boundary or a rule.

If it's a rule, then, you know, it becomes a fantasy that will never be fulfilled and that's okay. I don't see that as an issue. If it's a rule in your relationship, that that should never happen.

If it's figured out that it's a's a boundary then at least with boundaries you've got some some way to progress that and some way to discuss it that becomes then the term the you know how do we figure out what what we can how we can do this safely you know so it's all about safety and i don't mean you know physical safety i also mean emotionally emotionally it has to be safe for the both of you i would say it's the conversation followed by possibly some action, followed by a quick understanding, quick response to understanding as to how that felt for people.

And it may be something as simple as testing the waters by exiting the room. You know, if you're in a four-way scenario and as the person who's feeling less comfortable with this, perhaps just leaving the room and going to the bathroom for a while or getting a drink and just seeing, is this something that I'm capable emotionally of dealing with? And you may not be. If you're not, then that's something you can discuss after the fact. But if you can walk away for a bit and just test the waters and figure out whether it hurts too much or whether there's an element.

You know, I think even for me during Kate's solo play, I've found regularly that there's an element of both.

You know, for two minutes I'm jealous and then for another two minutes and then two minutes after that I'm rock hard thinking about exactly what's going on and then it flips to, shit, what if having more fun with them she than she has ever had with me you know and then you flip back again to this is hot you know interesting that i don't know what's going on and it excites me so it really i think getting out of the room is a good start and don't leave forever but you know and make your partner aware that that's what's going to happen i'm going to leave the room just peace out yep and going to leave the room for… I'm going to the corner store to get a packet of smokes, honey, and it turns me up again.

See ya. Yeah, so there's some time allotment to that. I'm going to leave the room for five minutes or something, and I need you to be prepared for that. And then that five minutes, make sure it is five minutes, not 25, because then if I was on the other end of that, I'd be sitting in the room going, oh, fuck. Getting stressed out. Yeah. Yeah, where'd you go? And when men get stressed out, there's typically something that follows in a play scenario, and that is an instant flaccid penis. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Sure. Yep, the old performance issue. Kate, I did have a question for you.

Do you have any recommendations for partners that are like where their partner is playing alone for the first time for like aftercare how to kind of get through the because obviously daryl put up a barrier at first trying to process it what is your advice for people in like in your scenario where your partner's gone and played alone and maybe you don't have that reconnection time yeah i think it probably starts with the during as well because if you are in a state of you know high emotional stress during the play session that's going to escalate and continue after so I think it actually starts with the during if you're a person that needs to keep busy or you know after you've done what Daryl said and you've explored being out of the room for five ten minutes and you think you're going to you know do this now, ten minutes, you were finding you needed to remain busy, you know, whether that was pouring and mixing a really big cocktail or something.

I think make sure that whatever it is that you're doing during that session is matched with your level of emotion. So if you're somebody who needs to read tarot cards and chill or do that, go and do that, you know, set yourself in a really safe and happy space.

If you're somebody who needs to go out and drink and party or be amongst people or be with friends or go to the movies, whatever that looks like, do that because that's going to put you in that emotional state where you're not, you know, walking around the house in circles going what's happening because that's just going to escalate from there. I'm going to say it's like a bad, you know, to use an example, it's like a bad trip, right? A bad trip only ever starts with the bad, with bad mindset going in, you know?

And so the idea is here, make yourself comfortable emotionally and physically, at least so that you can put yourself in the best situation to not lose your shit. In that idea too, for the person that's, you know, sitting on the sidelines for that play session, that can't be held against them, what they decide to go do too. If they want to go out with friends for dinner and some drinks, you can't say, well, every time that I go play, you go do this. That's how they self-soothe. Yeah, absolutely.

And I think, again, that's important to understand in our time together in non-monogamy, whenever we've had something that I've been uncomfortable with, and I think this is programmed through my childhood through to now, is that when I'm stressed about something I'm concerned about, I generally shut down. My emotional response is to turn it off and to become a drone, right?

And then once I've processed it, only then do I have the capability to verbalize and communicate what i felt in that moment so i think that's something that you're probably a little more used to as well than possibly some other people it's not my my go-to is not let's sit and talk about this for two hours straight up front my go-to is give me a couple of days i need to sort process this myself and then once all that internal looping is done i'll i'll give you what is actual rather than the the initial response which may not be accurate and also if you push him during that moment he will get aggressive and get angry and there will be a fight aggressive is a pretty tough word i mean i'm not gonna i'm not gonna.

You will get aggressive. I'm not going to cunt punch her, you know. I mean, like in the terms of like, you know, like there will be a response from him if you push. And, yes, I do know that about you. Yeah, my response is generally, you're right, it's just leave me alone and then I shut down even harder because now I don't feel like I'm safe anymore either. But to go back to your question, James, I think then the next step is to carry on with whatever that is that mindset that you were having.

And if your partner is unreceptive to initially giving you what perhaps you need is really stepping outside of your needs and then having a bigger collective approach to it and saying, well, it's not just about me now. Just because he's played solo or she's played solo, that doesn't mean that the moment that he steps out of that session, that it becomes all about me. It's still about the collective, still about us. And so remembering that my needs and wants, i.e. talking to him, reconnecting with him, perhaps even physically, I need to also consider what's going through his head.

Is he ready to connect? Is he ready to talk about it? Is he ready to physically connect with me? A lot of people like that reconnection sex, you know, if we'd have been in the same country, is that something that we would have desired and needed and wanted? And, you know, kind of going, going with that together. And I think that's just, just knowing your partner, knowing what you need, but also really respecting and appreciating what they need as well.

Because you said it's brand new they're going through something too yeah and i was and it was almost going to the back that's what i kind of was relating it to was like we like to have that you know the day after the the connection time to bring it back home if we're not super super busy we were able to just you know cuddle in bed in the morning talk about what happened and like that. But we get to relive it sooner because we're together, right? Whereas with you guys, some people can't do that. Some people can't sit and come together in bed.

Like we know a lot of people that, you know, would go be working on like the rigs up north, right? On the oil rigs and stuff. So they work apart or they work overseas or they work over in Toronto, the only place in Canada. But they work away for a week and then they come back for maybe weekends, right? But during those weeks, like, you know, there's technically, you know, trying to chat with your significant other and still hold connection, but you still have to want to live your life.

So it's interesting because you guys do travel a lot and are apart apart a lot so it's going to be interesting to see your progression from this experience to maybe your like 10th one to see how your levels of maybe Kate now you're like I really desire those pictures because now it makes me understand that you're safe and you're having fun right like yeah and It's not coming in somebody's mouth or in somebody's eye or whatever And I think with that too, you know if people are away I mean there's so many ways that you can do that like there's video Skype Obviously that you can do if you want to try and reconnect, you know Could you do a video Skype in a masturbation session together?

I really enjoy the fact you're adding videos at the front end of Skype fuck you can you Skype you can actually just audio Skype just so you know you can I know you can order Skype but you know us people who grew up in the you know 19th century you could just use it as a fanged angle video channel you know you could also use this crazy telephone thing to have a you know just to have a voice conversation you can just call call someone. Voice talk so you can have your other hand free, right? No, I agree. There's many ways to try and reconnect after that, but there's only one.

And I don't think Kate's really realized this of me yet, but I actually quite enjoy the reconnection with her.

The issue is that typically after any sex session kate's vagina's broken so there's nothing nothing for me to play with well i'm glad it's getting used yeah yep used used and abused that's uh don't break the cookie yeah not for a while but yeah no i i like i like you guys's dynamic of how you progressed and I know you don't like that Daryl but you did progress because you grew or you grew your own space yeah I don't have an issue with the word it's more just you know that we've got we've got people who listen to us you've got people who listen to you and I just want them to understand that they can come up to me at a party and say, hey, I just kissed somebody else and that's as far as we're going and that's all we need.

It's like perfect, that's exactly what you should be aiming for, for whatever you guys need that adds and doesn't become a negative part of your relationship and that's what certainly we're aiming for and if we ever find something that provides negative, then we will never go back to that. We're only looking for additions to our already stable relationship. Enhancements. Yeah. Enhancements. Absolutely. Well, and that's what I said. And that's also to your point is like, don't feel like there is a progression that you have to follow. Yes.

Like there is no set standard on how to do this lifestyle right that's right like none will leave those to those people to do it thank you guys for sharing your experience yeah thank you so much for uh interviewing us on the podcast and asking us some great questions it's been it's been good we haven't heard a lot from tara though tara do you have a tara topic a tara topic yeah that's a new that can be a new Tara's's cornerstone I love hearing you say a Tara topic on your podcast I think I would want to know from Kate especially what sort of things did you have to like mentally prepare for beforehand like where did you come from a place of jealousy with past relationships did you have any certain milestones that like like you said did you guys try out the at the same party leaving the room or something like that beforehand like that worked for you and were there any things that you guys tried that didn't work for you yeah i actually was a quite a jealous person um even in our relationship when we first started i was um quite jealous and then that came from a place as it mostly does of just um an esteem thing a confidence thing you know that it was coming from a very dark place of me not feeling uh desirable and good enough you know those demons they can pop up absolutely you know where you're you're questioning your partner's motives and questioning what what you need and what's going to good for you.

So in preparing for that, it really comes down to a lot of self-soothing and understanding why your partner's doing it and communicating that with them and asking them the right questions. You know, if somebody comes to you with a desire, don't immediately or try not to immediately to shut them down.

Ask them questions and they need to be prepared to talk to you articulately about that too if your partner comes to you and says i want to have a threesome without you and you immediately go on the defensive like why aren't i good enough or isn't this pussy good enough for you as opposed to me saying oh okay that's you know thank you for sharing that and you know can we talk about what you're interested in you know what in in that scenario makes it sexually interesting for you what would that look like for you and then your partner needs to be able to really answer those questions so they need to come prepared and really think it out through their own process what it is about it that excites them so they can answer those for me and that was part of this you know journey for us as well as being able to say like okay like what about that makes it hot for you what makes it interesting what would it look like for me and so asking myself those questions asking him those questions helped me to process that there's nothing to be jealous about there's nothing to be insecure about it's just our relationship and it's just something different you know not it's not necessarily something that is going to take away from our relationship or take away from who I am and my position in this relationship so that that was you know really something that we discussed and and i know now i could ask him questions until the cows come home and he would sit down very patiently with me and answer those questions and i think also is admitting we don't have cows we don't have cows admitting when you're actually feeling jealous as well you know it used to be something that i was ashamed of before we came into this journey i didn't want to say i was jealous and so because of that, yeah, I was hiding it.

Whereas now I have, I would absolutely say, hey, I'm feeling really insecure right now. And then this is what I need from you. And him receiving that as well. And some of the time, you know, that's as simple as when somebody says, and this has happened with us, when Kate says, I feel jealous, just stopping and actually giving her a hug and saying, babe, there's only one number one here. There's nobody else in this. This conversation is about us. It's about you and me. That's it. So there's no need for you to feel jealous about something that, for instance, hasn't even happened yet.

There's certainly aspects of that. And you were right.

I mean, when we first got together and even prior, I kate prior to our relationship and um i knew her while i was in another relationship as well you were very you were a jealous individual and that solely came from the fact that you didn't value yourself and it was a real it's it's a real actually bringing coming into this lifestyle has actually been more of an opener in terms of your self-perception because i've never, you know, you come into this lifestyle and there's ladies, ladies give each other compliments, which is absolutely unheard of outside of the lifestyle, unless it's, of course, you know, something like Bless Your Heart, which is, you know, an underhanded compliment anyway.

You know, things like that are quite a lot more common out, I think, in the real real i'll say the real world outside of a non-monogamous group yeah but you know one of the things i love about this group of individuals is that when the ladies are together they will absolutely mean what they say you know you look great in that you know i never thought i'd ever hear somebody say your butt plug looks amazing but i've heard that more than once yeah that tail looks amazing you know what i mean like it's it's just something that you'd never you'd never think you'll ever hear but ladies are a lot more supportive in this group which is great and and i think they also i know kate speaks with other ladies via text and you know we're a long way away from some of our some of our closest friends and her ability to bounce stuff off them as well and get some differing perspectives and some you know you go babe you get it it's you're a strong powerful woman and having somebody other than your partner say that is really important hey kate i gotta i got one question for you actually one more yeah sure do you think that going sort of first in the playing alone thing kind of gave you some tools to like help like kind of like deal with this that is a good question i don't want to say deal because i don't like saying deal but you know what i mean like kind of learning how to kind of like who goes first yeah i think i think you're actually that's a really good point james because yeah i think because i was in the past quite individual, I think probably, you know, having that solo play first probably did help me because then you're not sitting there and allowing those demons to come to the forefront of, like, what are they doing?

What's happening, you know? So perhaps that was something that actually did help me. And actually, I hadn't even thought about it, but you bringing it up now, I think probably absolutely probably absolutely that was the case you know I'd taken away the stigma of it's wrong it's cheating it's well you didn't take it away you just grew through it because you you ultimately walked into that first experience with exactly that feeling I did feel that I thought that I was cheating on on Darrell I was really uncomfortable you know I was asking him I was saying like I don don't know.

I don't know how I'm going to react, me personally being the person playing. So yeah, you're right. I probably think going first helped me to then understand it a little bit more rather than allowing my mind to just run away with the possibilities of X, Y, Z. I think probably that is definitely something that happened. I like it because it's like experience, right? You're gaining experience through your own experience to realize that like, you know, you going and playing and the stuff that you did, you're like, okay, well, they're probably around this phase of the threesome in a sense.

Like, so you kind of knew the thought process that maybe even Daryl was going through. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

And that's why I knew as well to allow the time after was to just, because I knew how I felt know after my play session i texted because it was night time and it was morning here there was a time zone a significant time zone difference and also i was on a plane at the time yeah so i sent a message like hey you know i'm now going to bed and because i knew we couldn't talk straight away again there was a disconnect with being able to have a conversation so i sent a hey, I'm going to go to bed now.

So he knew when he landed the plane that, you know, I was sleeping, so he couldn't obviously call me. But hey, I'll call you the moment that I wake up in the morning, which was 6am. So, you know, nighttime here, we were able to have the conversation. So, you know, I think that definitely helps my journey. Yeah, absolutely. And let's also come out and say just be careful of the trigger words. You've been around your partner long enough to know probably by now that they've got triggers, right?

All of us have triggers that just switch us from a rational human into something, into a fire-breathing animal. So be careful and thoughtful with your verbiage in both conversation and in text, you know, and be aware of the fact that if you have to text somebody to give them an update, there is no tone in text. Text is something that people will read into whatever the hell their mindset or their headspace is at the time. And if you send something that is even remotely perceivable in the opposite of what you're aiming, you will end up with a shit fight.

So it's really important that you, you know, in some cultures, I've said this to people before in the world of sales, which is where I live, in some cultures, it's considered rude to not stop for 10 seconds and think about what somebody's just said to you, because you process thought at about 1000 words a second, and you can only speak at roughly 600. So you end up with this voice in the back of your head telling you things that may not actually be true.

Even when you do your debrief or even your pre-brief, when you're sitting with somebody wanting to discuss this, have the agreement that you will stop and process before you regurgitate and get angry. Because a you know, because a 10 second pause is actually quite a long time. And it's interesting in that it gives you time to formulate a rational thought that is not laced with, with words that will piss your partner off or trigger them. Yeah, absolutely. I totally feel you. That's the one I, you always get in trouble through texts.

Like it's the one thing that like really makes yeah because you can't convey that tone you can't like i'm a sarcastic ass so some of the things that come out of my mouth just now just sound like straight right humans are designed to to speak and listen that's that's our primary way of communicating so um add to that the the perception of body language that comes along with that. At least you can get some idea of what people are thinking. Video chat's the best way to go, of course. Do your best to stay away from the things that you know are going to piss people off or even get yourself angry.

I like it, man. So thank you so much, James and Tara, for interviewing us today. If you guys want to catch James and Tara, you can get them on sexuninterrupted.com. Follow their weekly show. I don't know how they do it weekly, but they manage to do it and it's inspirational every time. So you'll be able to find their show in the show notes today. Please do go and download them, look them up online and check out their courses and the spiritual slot by Tara as well. So thank you again, James and Tara. Really appreciate your time. Thank you. Thanks for having us on the show. No problem.

All right, we really hope that you enjoyed that interview, that episode. If you had any comments, questions, please shoot us an email on cnd at swingingdownunder.com or get us on Twitter or any of our social media accounts.

We'd love to hear from you, love to hear about your journey, particularly if you've experienced similar thoughts, feelings, or even just if you've done the solo play we really want to get those opinions and hear about your journeys as well this is about building community after all now lastly if you are thinking about going to naughty in new orleans in july of 2020 we would appreciate if you booked through our link on our website swinginganna.com forward slash naughty it is an affiliate program so basically what happens is when you book through our link you of course are able to get the ticket for the same price, the difference being is that we get a kickback as an affiliate.

Now, we use those funds to go and purchase other things like equipment for the podcast, trips, swag, et cetera. We've got our eye at the moment on a portable case for our full studio setup, so our full road setup here.

That's our next big purchase because we did just lug our entire equipment over to Myanmar to do that do that episode with uh tristan taramino and it was all in my backpack and there was a lot going on and the security guards actually were wondering what the hell it is now it's easier for me to explain that i'm a dj rather than saying hey i have a podcast about ethical non-monogamy so i was a dj on the weekend just fyi um i had to tell that to three different security and customs offices as i was going through the international terminal.

So thank you so much again for listening to Swinging Down Under. We appreciate the hell out of you guys and we hope you have a fantastic September. We will be back soon with more episodes. The next one coming up is with Catherine and she is doing a live counseling session with us about energy and balance of your swinging style. So have a listen to that.

That'll be coming up in a couple of weeks as well as a hot steamy bonus episode so we are going to get a little bit raunchy on one of our episodes we're going to release that as a bonus because that is a little bit different to our normal style so we hope you guys enjoy but we'll be back with you soon