P85 – Taking Sex For the Swinger Team

Transcript

Speaker1: You're listening to Swinging Down Under, a podcast about the swinging, non-monogamous lifestyle from two crazy Australians with over four years of lifestyle antics to keep you entertained, informed, angry, happy and horny. Join our international swinging adventures. And welcome. I'm C, crazy female Australian sheila and believer of all things love, balance and sexy times. And this is Dee. I'll be doing my best to keep the dad jokes to a minimum, which is probably going to be highly unlikely. Along with that, I'll keep C and check where I can. Did I mention I'm a pilot? We'll be your podcast hosts for today so sit back and enjoy the sweet sweet melodies. G'day guys welcome to episode 85. That's a thing people want to know apparently. I've been out tweeted. So listen our main topic today is all about taking one for the team. It's part of a series that we're going to be doing about stuff swingers say. We're doing a series now? Yeah doing a couple of things. I'm pretty sure that we've started a series before and then didn't finish the series actually on that uh we i do still want to keep going with the cultural diversity segment so if anybody is out there listening that's from a country that isn't australia the uk or america can you please get in contact with us we really want to hear from you guys and learn about your experiences within your country and there's a lot of voices out there that cover those three countries so we really want to put some more voices out there so if you are from any other country hit us up cnd at swinging9under.com really want to hear from you we want to interview you so please let us know but otherwise 85 episode 85 before we get started i just wanted to mention a few things we received a rather long-winded email from a lady in austin jay thanks for your email she said it was a long-winded email but i sent her one back that was equally as long i didn't read either of them which is not surprising to you right d no not at all that's pretty much a jam you do love a long-winded email we do i do i see the dot point shit regularly like just dot point it for me babe and you're like and then 45 dot points later we get to the dot point that's the crux of the points of dots and i really do have to say thank you to everybody who sent us emails after the recent breast augmentation episode and the floating episode we had a lot of emails on that and there was some really great stories a few ladies actually followed up with their changes in breast augmentation you know why they decided to have augmentation done or not and it was really cool cool. We're still talking about boobs. We're still talking about boobs, exactly. So thanks for that. We also got quite a number of reviews on iTunes this month as well. So thank you very much to everybody who did that. And you were just balls deep into just getting this shit done. Freaking reeking. It's like getting done. Getting out the fucking door. And JYYT as well as do tests. So thank you very much. Thanks to all of those peeps. Yeah, quick update on Naughty in New Orleans as well. The main hotel has sold out. God damn, I mean, you're just banging through these topics. I am. Are we going to have enough topics to get through the podcast? We are, we're good. Are you sure? Yep, absolutely. Because you're belting them out. 100%, positive. I mean, you've just gone through, I feel like that's six podcasts in one session. I have dot points. Just done now. I have bullet points. You've fucking bullet pointed the shit out of this. I have. So, Naughty in New Orleans in July, the main hotel has sold out, but there are still rooms at the Saint. So, if you want to go onto the website, swingingdownunder.com forward slash Naughty, there is currently a promotion running. It should still be good for when this podcast comes out, but you can get $50 off if you put in the code SPRING. So, go and check that out if you guys haven't yet. Is that Naughty? Naughty in New Orleans, yeah. Okay. We're going to Naughty in New Orleans, and we're hosting the meet and greet there, yeah, absolutely. And we are actually excited. I started ordering some of the stuff that we're taking to Naughty, so that's really exciting. Last but not least, though, before we get into our podcast today, I really want to thank all of our Patreon supporters. We've had some great supporters there. We're almost coming up to our year, actually, so we launched that in july last year and we're almost coming up to one year so thanks you thank you everyone for supporting us there and thank you to our most recent patreon supporter dave davo cheers buddy really appreciate the hell out of you so d anything to mention before we get into today's topic you've just returned back from spain and london how was it you were there as well how did you think it was yeah i was there it was good yeah you went all right all right good i'm glad to hear it fucking cold though i have to admit yeah we went to a tropical island in the middle of spain cannery islands as i like to call them lots of canneries there they can like tropical bananas there's no cannery lots of bananas did you have a good trip yes of course i Oh, thank you. That's what made it a good trip. What about London? London, yeah, it was all right. Met a couple of people there. Jerkface. So, yeah, we're happy to be back. Thank you again, everyone. We do have some show notes here that I'm going to add some links in particular. We are going to mention the Monogamish Marriage blog. We're going to mention Swinger Diaries, so check the show notes for that. But also there is a blog associated with this podcast talking about taking one for the team so if you go to swinging down under.com forward slash taking or just you'll see that just go there i'll go to the show notes as well yeah and check it out the way to go we could just read out different you know websites all night how about just go to the website just go to the links on the just have a look just have a just bang it out of the show notes crack a look aren't you ready to get into it look taking one for the team okay i'm taking one for the team you guys are the team just saying all right let's look at the definition of taking one for the team i found this one on wiki as we mentioned i picked this one very specifically uh there's obviously a lot of different definitions of taking one for the team it is a sports reference first and foremost and so i did look for something that was a little bit more sexual about what we're talking about you know in the traditional sense of taking one for the team as in you know taking home a person perhaps who was less desirable than than you wanted or helping out your mates so here's the definition as i found it in wiki so taking one for the team is someone willingly making a sacrifice for the benefit of others a few key words in there sacrifice benefit to others that one was pretty damn heavy but the reason i used that one was i think it is probably as closely representative of how people in the lifestyle assume this particular you know theme sentence whatever you want to say would match what they thing i think most people in the lifestyle use it in terms of you know we don't we need to equally be on the same page before we play or go to an event have to equally be involved with the couple or the single before we take the next steps you know a hundred percent in on whatever's going to happen I think that's the way that most people use it right how do you feel about the uh that that definition do you think it matches what people in my lifestyle use it as no because well it doesn't match how we use it i suppose i think that we define taking one for the team as somebody being either really really out or kind of repulsed okay yeah not just like a you know oh they're only 80 my style not a hundred percent yeah because if you live on that rule if you're trying to find a couple that's a hundred percent oh they're only 80 percent my style not 100 percent yeah because if you live on that rule if you're trying to find a couple that's 100 percent first sight sexually attractive to both to you visually attractive and 100 personality attractive to both of you and also 100 sexually the same as you both then you may as well just sleep with each other because that's the only way you're going to find it yeah and i guess you know we're crossing territory into that that you know that four-way connection that we always talk about but i think that most people do use the term in the sense that unless we find that that perfect alignment of the gods then they may classify it as taking one for the team a lot of reference to god in this particular podcast i I mean, I feel like... That's because we've just been watching, like, you know, different...
Speaker2: Aquaman.
Speaker1: Aquaman, and we just watched Shazam and, you know, all these sorts of things. Yeah, you've been totally nerding out this weekend. So that's why I'm using it so often. But I think most people, that's the way that they would use it. You know, when somebody says we don't take one for the team, yeah, I mean, are they talking about, to your point, being repulsed by someone or are they talking about like hey maybe we're not all on the same page you know veto power obviously comes into this too yeah well i don't think veto power has anything to do with uh with generally being not attracted to the the individuals i think most of the time veto power comes around because you're actually concerned that your partner might be a little too attractive attracted to the people or they're showing them all the attention and not you any attention oh that's interesting because i would have actually said that people would use veto power more when perhaps if you had a really um you know you were interested in her but then i just wasn't interested in him you know i wasn't attracted to him or something like that that's would use veto power. Yeah, well, I mean, this wouldn't be the first time we've disagreed on something. Oh, for sure. No, for sure. Yeah, so, I mean, for me, there's, you know, finding that 100% alignment, 100% engagement with everybody, it's hard to find. Yeah, I mean, you're looking at so many variables here, especially you're using age race type sexual preference sexual preference all those sort of things to as an alignment tool which i'm not saying we do because we don't but if you are then you're kind of fucked there's no fucking way you're going to find a couple that fits that perfect mold and if they do that would be a very interesting scenario i think because if we found the couple that was perfect for both of us what would that do for or to our relationship do you think oh if that person becomes perhaps uh you know a lot of people say you know why do you in the lifestyle like what is your partner actually giving to you and we actually have a question about that we're going to answer later on in this podcast but if somebody's fulfilling everything that you're interested in in another person outside of your relationship then yeah like what does that actually mean for your relationship because obviously i'm quite special to you is that what you mean yeah i mean as a couple would that then would that then make us think well if this is the perfect couple that works really well for us would we then think well perhaps we should have a poly relationship with them because if they're exactly what we're looking for exactly what we're looking for which means they're also feeling the same way about us i mean how does that change the relationship i don't think that happens very often and that's what that's what i've actually i wrote this down but you know i i can honestly sit here and you know hand on my heart say that we have not had a 99 or 100 connection with every single person we've played with that would be an outright lie if i said that to you am i 80 there and nor have we even with some of our long-term play partners who are now reaching that sort of number when we first started playing with them i don't think they were in that number even well yeah because you've only just started getting exactly so it takes time to foster that understanding as well so this is the thing first first view of people no matter who they are your first view is always just a physical view right because you can't judge people on anything other than their physical so you judge straight up if you're if they're not your physical type immediately you might you might rule them out but you've got the intellectual side that you start to dig into and their intellectual side the more you become exposed to that might more and more drag their physical style back into your your boundaries yeah so i think taking one for the team is an interesting term because you don't necessarily have to take one for the team in hindsight either. So up front, say we sleep with a couple. Was it good sex? Of course. Yeah. I mean, I was there, so it's fucking amazeballs. Did you see that move I did? It wasn't amazing. Yeah, nice. I feel like you wouldn't. I've been practicing yoga, so I was like bending like a pretzel, yeah? You haven't been practicing any yoga. I have not been, but this is an imaginary sex session. It's a total fucking lie. Go with me, babe. Oh, sorry. It was mind-blowing sex. It was fucking amazing. Yeah, it was mind-blowing sex, yeah. Yeah, Kate definitely had her legs behind her head for most of it. I was also making, you know, cocktails on the side as well. Like, I was multitask. Yeah that yeah i mean even the dp was like she decided that she'd go with the the d v double a p well hey dude back it up too far too much i mean we're just making shit up now right sorry back to what you're saying so you're saying that you know even when you're having sex yeah you know first time around you might have sex with a couple that you find uh visually visually stimulating but not necessarily to the requirement you know that you would have for a long-term play partner but then after getting to know them after maybe a few play sessions that might change everything in a big way yeah and i think that's what i was trying to say before you know i haven't you didn't say it though you were trying to say i was trying to maybe you should just say it i i don't ever recall a time as much as we've had fun and you know i just want to make sure that that's quite obvious that every time that we've gone into some sort of play session together an event or something we have had a good time there's no doubt there's been some element of a good time except except for the one time where i was knitting a fucking sweater in the room but otherwise i That's it. we have had a good time there's no doubt there's been some element of a good time except except for the one time where i was knitting a fucking sweater in the room but otherwise i had a good time you had a great time but it's always been something that we've had a great time you know and i think for me that's the point of this so this is another one i mean what percentage of great time do you have to have exactly to be a good time for it good time....for it to be a good time, seeing me having a great time? Like, if I'm having the best sexual experience ever... Okay, so she's the pretzel now, yep....then what level of fun do you have to be at from 0% to 100% for it to be amazing for you? And that's where compersion comes in, because I think that if, for example, my... Oh example somebody ate a fucking thesaurus for breakfast yeah i know it's a dinosaur it's a it's a dinosaur book it's a and there's a theopolis as well watch him 40 i would say 40 yeah wow i'd say 40 because again i'm i'm thinking back to times when we've played in the past perhaps and there's been some performance issues with the gentleman that I'm playing with and perhaps he hasn't, you know, given me oral or used his fingers to stimulate me. In that case, I will move back around and start watching you, playing with you. If she's bisexual, I may play with her. So, again, my percentage may go up if there's an opportunity for me to go back in. But if I was just sitting in corner then i would say it has to be 40 yeah see this is where definitions become important maybe we should look it up maybe we should wiki and figure out what the definition is i don't well what would you say yours is if say for example i was just being pleasured and this is zero is yeah we're a little bit different in this because i'm happy to watch you get pleasured so i as long as it's not negative i have no issue with it but i'm happy to be just uh i mean it that's not entirely true i don't just want to be a wallflower i wouldn't mind being out of the room as long as i could see what was going on as well that would be kind of interesting i don't know whether that's something that i that i want to attempt and i'm certainly sure it's not something you want to attempt what having sex in a glass room and you sitting outside of it oh you fucking weirdo who's who's got a glass room just laying around no but you could i suppose you wouldn't want it to be a glass room because then you know seeing you out there just watching may you don't want to be a full mirror so maybe it could be one of those yeah that'd be really mirror no like a whole room made out of fucking mirrors yeah that's weird i, imagine it. Well, sitting behind the one-wall mirror watching is weird, you sicko. Okay, so imagine this. Imagine you're riding him now and you look back and it's an infinite penis because it just goes off into the distance, right? Because that's how mirrors to mirror works. You've now got infinite penis. You can't handle infinite penis. I can't handle infinite penis. I mean, if you could, you'd be one of the Marvel characters. You'd be infinite penis woman. Slightly off topic, but I just want everybody out there in podcast land to know that soil and the earth is a finite resource, so let's stop fucking with it. Dee can explain that later. Not going to. Not going to. You're just going to leave it there. Nice. Leave it hanging. Honestly, I would say, yeah, I do have compersion.ion i like watching you but i think i do also like being part of it so for me yeah i guess 40 probably would still stand then yeah so so we're very different in that regard because i think if i were having sex whilst you were just watching you would not be happy with that whereas the other way around but then you know it depends like what are we defining as interaction because is interaction me sitting in a chair masturbating with a toy that's then becoming interaction so that's then increasing my percentage of i gotta think that getting to 40 percent just sitting in a corner jerking off is gonna be um gonna be a tough tough road dude it was a great orgasm yeah but i mean also we're back to the imaginary thing awesome orgasm the thing is though after your orgasm you just fucking fall asleep like you always do so you'd now we got a snoring drooling kate in the corner of the room whilst i'm trying to like i'll stop trying to you know keep another lady happy that doesn't work i think what this just goes to show you though is that you know as much as we think we have our own definition sort of within our heads or as much as we think we understand ourselves or our relationship good to discuss because clearly we just found out something we're on different pages in that regard and so I think that I don't think we're on different pages I just think that you have a different requirement to what I do when it comes to that sort of activity and so it's handy then to understand the dynamic in yourself and your relationship because if you guys are out there in a play situation and maybe maybe that does happen maybe there is some performance issues and the lady does require like i just did maybe a 40 i'm not too sure and she's not having that playing counter on the other side of the room and then at the end of it you know you walk away going that was fucking great, you know, not for me. I think the word dynamic is actually a very important part of this. Oh, yeah, okay, do we elaborate? Well, because all of these situations are dynamic, right?
Speaker2: Mm-hmm.
Speaker1: So that means that in some situations you might be happy with 5%. That's true. In some situations, because let's say now it's a long-term play partners. We've been with them many times. We enjoy their company. We enjoy sex with them. I'm not feeling that great anyway. You're not feeling, yeah, so maybe. Maybe it's the flip side. Maybe I'm actually feeling you know super comfy super happy don't you know i'm don't need to feel like i've got to be involved in that play session so it could flip by the way yeah yes exactly um even into the negative so basically what we've uncovered here is that we have no fucking idea and there's so many variables anyone who's listening anyone who's listening to our podcast knows we have no fucking idea i mean that's the basis that's the foundation the cornerstone of this podcast the keystone of the entire fucking keystone the entire 97 stardate 97 podcast is around the fact that we have no fucking clue but we we like to talk about the fact we have no fucking clue well here's a question then crazy people like to listen and even crazier people whisper whisper dave likes to fucking pay for it what um in in thinking back over our play sessions thinking back over our encounters like what percentage across the spectrum do you think that you have been happy with the play sessions versus not or you know does any does any of them stand out to you well this becomes very interesting because given a lot of my excitement and fun is based off whether you're enjoying yourself your involvement can actually adversely affect mine so for example the time when you were knitting a sweater that you bring up there i was in the act of having sex with somebody else but i wasn't mentally in the act of having sex with somebody else because i was sitting there looking at you concerned trying to bring you back into what was happening on the other side of the bed i mean it was really nice of you to dab the sweat from my forehead. That was very, very thoughtful. Got some refreshments too, if I remember. You did. And you managed to find the right porn account for the gentleman so that he could watch that. Let's not rehash the whole situation. Let's move on. So that was in Stardate 13, I think. You know, the fact that you weren't engaged and weren't enjoying yourself becomes a detriment to my, you know, fun as well. With that mind i mean we're now back to the back to the point where we don't know what the fuck we're talking about and we can't give any advice whatsoever because there's too many things involved i mean again if you're not excited by it then i'm less excited by it which drags back my number which could push you or me into a negative number and then we're doing it for the sake of the other person which means we're taking one for the team so give me a median bam what's your uh what's your average drop i'm fucking out oh thanks uh that was d leaving the building uh thanks for joining d didn't drop the mic really appreciate it yeah didn't drop the mic because i would literally go into a fucking out and outrage and you're going to a ball up. I'd be sorry. Around the mic. You'd ball up around the mic. I grabbed a few people's opinions on this. So obviously we did the Twitter poll, which was really interesting. In the hope that they might be able to fucking explain this because we have no clue. Well done. Hey, you just crown-sourced. That's just the way it's done. We crown-sourced? Crowd-sourced. Oh, sorry. I thought you were speaking in riddles. No, I i'm not i thought you were a princess and you were using your crown to source information oh my god like aerials on this topic actually uh there's another podcast out there if you haven't heard of them they're called swinger diaries and each podcast they go through and answer some questions i think it's stardate 120 it is not it is episode 64 um swinger diaries did a podcast and one of their sections was about taking one for the team. Go and listen to that and they give some really interesting perspectives there. I had quite a few people respond to me here and this one here was from Faithbomb. They said the notion sometimes assumes that attraction is the most important part of this engagement and it's actually a spectrum. They said it's rare that they absolutely are disgusted by someone. In case they would definitely not sleep with them however they said in many cases group sex situations maybe there's not an equal attraction to everyone involved but that's pretty normal so how do we define taking one for the team that's pretty much what we said yeah i know right we we're geniuses we managed to crowdsource the information that actually aligns with what we're putting forward there's a really there's a great few people that are conflicting here yeah i mean we've just contradicted ourselves like 14 times in the last 18.29 minutes excellent good job us yeah look at this go this one was really interesting though this one's actually from a bisexual lady and she's she's uh more bisexual in terms of on the on the kinsey scales her perspective is that every time she plays with another woman, when there's men present, that technically in her mind she's taking one for the team because she prefers playing with women. She says she doesn't mind pleasuring men and she, of course, loves making men happy. But at the end of the day, from her perspective, whenever there's a man in the room, whenever there's a man involved, there is an element of taking one for the team there within herself because she's of single so that was an interesting perspective i thought that you know when we often talk about this we talk about it only from a couple so she's taking one for her own team for our own team yeah well now we're just getting fucking self-enveloping we're just we're going to fall into a chasm of oh that was my mind getting blown just in case yeah anyone didn't hear that kate will definitely overlay some sort of cheesy chintzy fucking uh head explosion noise like a boop so yeah okay taking one for the team as a as a solo i suppose that can happen as well yeah it can happen i've certainly done that myself now that i'm thinking back to when i was single more than once taking so how did that so how did that out when you were single? Like how did you take one for the team? Well, I mean, there's always two heads in the game when you're talking as a man, right? Okay. There's your logical head and your dickhead. Okay. So occasionally the dickhead says, look, this has got to happen. It's been a while. You know, we need to make this happen. And your logical head's like, I don't want to do this. Don't make me do it, man. I think we're overstretching here. So hold on a second, though. I mean, at the end of the day, you still had fun, right? Did you still enjoy that activity? I think the word you're looking for is orgasm. It doesn't necessarily have to be one to meet the other. Did you have a good time? Yes. So really, is that then taking one for the team or not? I mean, you're arguing now with the one head, we need to get the other guy out if you want to have to have a discussion. Well, I'm serious because sometimes... Let me just warm him up, won't be a second. In the moment or going into a play session, again, I might be 80% there or I might be 60% there, but I know I'm going to have a good time. And then in amongst the play session, say I go in with a 60%, yeah, kind of 60% committed, this will be fun. I know it'll be fun. during that play session say I go in with a 60% yeah kind of 60% committed this will be fun I know it'll be fun during that play session I may get to an 80% I'm in because I'm enjoying myself you know and I think that's the for me it's about that judgment call do I know myself well enough to know that walking into a situation is going to be a positive experience for me it's going to be fun I'm going to have fun or I can make myself have fun even if you know there are elements around me I can't control like if there is performance issues for example I think at the end of the day if you know that of yourself then you can walk into a play session and still have a good time yeah and I think 82 percent of statistics are made up so you do think that do you yeah so we could be well I mean I make up time. That's a very true. Yeah. There's a 30% chance that it's going to rain today. Actually, the only people who can get away with making up fucking statistics and then them not coming off is weather people. You weather people out there, especially if you work for Apple weather. I mean, you seriously need to have a good long conversation with yourself because Apple weather is accurate 20% of the time. Yeah. Made up that fucking are you gonna do about it you made it up you made up a 50% chance of rain I mean fucking make up statistics yay I think the other thing too is that you know I don't need those other people to be everything for me or everything in my relationship I have myself for that and I've got you for that so I'm completely and if you're in the corner in the corner, you've got that whopping grey dildo you were talking about. Exactly. I'm completely happy walking into a play session knowing that I'm not 100% there because I don't need it to be. If I'm going to walk in and I'm going to have a good time and I know I'm going to have a good time, then that's good enough, you know. And I don't think that that's necessarily derogatory to the people that we're playing with. You know, one of the responses we had here from Thomas, he was saying... Tomo and Davo. You know, I said, do you think that the term taking one for the team is bullshit? And he said, do I think it's bullshit? Not really. I do, however, believe that it's disrespectful to the other person. So, you know, and that can go for just your partner. It can go for the other people that you're playing with in the room you know if i say hey i'm only 80 of the way there or i'm 60 interested is that derogatory to them i don't necessarily think it is because again i'm i'm not going in there thinking i really don't want to do this because clearly i do i'm going in there knowing i'm going to have a good time so i don't necessarily think it is disrespectful there's an 89 chance that chance that we're 0% correct on 15% of what we've said. All right, so let's redefine the term then. Rather than saying taking one for the team, what would you define, what would you rather say? You're going to throw me under the bus. I'm going to throw you under the definition bus, yeah. Okay, so I would define taking one for the team as doing something that you do not want to do. How do we want to redefine it though? That's what I just said. Okay, you want to go a hard line and say... It's doing something you don't want to do. Yeah, okay. So if you see that term from now on, that's the way you're going to look at it? Yeah, it's self-sexual offending. Okay. I'm not going to use that term anymore. Oh, fuck, okay, here we go. I'm going to argue with you. All right, let's debate it. For me, I don't think the term... I love the fact that you throw me under the fucking bus. Thanks, babe. Even though you've got something written down as she picks up her iPad. She's got something written down here. I'm just reading my blog. Oh. Handy, isn't it? Yeah, I wonder if I should have read that. You wrote it. You actually... Look, I've got a note from Dee. Your first line is, I like boobs. Seriously, I do. And then you talk about the actual subject line. So even in text, you're off on tangents. Well done, you, curveball. I do want to redefine it again because my problem with this term, as we've just figured out throughout this entire time, is that everybody thinks it's a different thing. So what I'm going to say is that I'm up for fun, happy, sexy memories, and I know myself well enough to make that judgment call and to know that I'm going to have a good time or not.
Speaker2: That's it.
Speaker1: I know that's a really long-winded way of saying that. I mean, that should be the title of your next book.
Speaker3: Should it be?
Speaker1: Thoughts from a crazy lady memoir, part one. Memoirs from a crazy cat woman. We do actually have a question I'm going to get to. All right, so here we are with a question that we received from a listener they asked us what is special and different for us within our relationship within your spouse that we can't get with others in in terms of the swinging lifestyle so again sex what people give you anal sex they would they're asking us you know when when you go into when you go into the swinging lifestyle and you're, you know, joining us as a couple, perhaps like, what do we get out of the lifestyle that we can't get at home or vice versa? You know, why keep coming home to your spouse, essentially? Like, what do you get from your relationship that other people can't give you? I feel a fucking question bus coming my way. So it's in relation, I guess, the reason I tied it in with this podcast is because, again, it's part of that taking one for the team and that whole fact that these other people cannot be 100% for you. You know, they can't be your everything. You need to fulfill that within yourself and your partner as well. So, hey, D, there's a bus coming your way. Are you ready for it? What do you get from our relationship? What is it that i give you that other people just don't in the lifestyle or out there in the world in general love i mean that's certainly part of it now ask me to define love well fucking hell there goes another two hours of uh running around in circles talking to each other i think there's a whole lot of there's a whole mess of things there one of them is forgiveness i don't necessarily expect people in the lifestyle to forgive something that i do that is potentially unforgivable whereas i would hope that if something happens in our relationship that's really tough for us to deal with we still work through it right but if i do that in the lifestyle friendship scenario or even a deep friendship scenario if it's bad enough then it's quite likely they'll walk away so the ability not and i don't mean that gives me the ability to do things that are wrong but it means still like there's still the the underlying don't be a dick yeah of course but it means that i now you know i have the ability to perhaps make mistakes without realizing that they're mistakes Well, you of course you're gonna make mistakes yeah yeah but it gives me the ability to know that i've got a solid foundation of somebody that i can talk with who will help me realize why it was a mistake and then also realize a way to to work through that that's certainly part of it well we've never been or we've never gotten to the point where we were at public displays of affection and things like that as well with other couples you know we're not you know we're not walking the street holding hands with other people things like that that sort of affection rather than lustful interaction is something that you give me as well now that may change in future we may actually find couples or friends or singles that we're happy to walk three way hand in hand as a thruple walking down the street you know that might happen but it's further down the track for us so there's there's a whole world of things that you give me that other people can't so bus coming back your fucking way is it nice so what's uh what do i give you that you don't get from others i think that your your situation out there in the world can sometimes be a bit of a highlight reel and other people don't necessarily get a chance or accept you for the faults the fears and the cracks that live inside of you so i I think that's what I get from you.
Speaker2: I know that, you know, I mean, a perfect example, you came home recently, I was literally sitting on the couch, a bottle of wine in one hand, a chocolate block in the other, watching a chick flick and ugly crying. And you walked into that situation.
Speaker1: You know, really, I don't share that with other people. People don't get to see that. Well, you don't know I've had video cameras set up for ages. Set up for ages, Teddy Cam. Equally, I don't share necessarily my deep down fears I'll see you next time. see that equally well you don't know i've had video cameras set up for ages teddy cam yeah equally i i don't share necessarily my my deep down fears or i also don't necessarily share you know my goals my dreams my desires my wants with everybody that's what i get from my my spouse from you is that you see the entire picture of me you get the entire version of kate the best days the worst days and everything in between and all of the things that i'm too afraid to share with somebody else because i don't necessarily think that they can handle that or probably want to hear about it to be honest more it's probably more the fucking point that's the big difference i think that you know you're not going to lay it all out there on the line because these people that you're meeting with yeah even in a long-term relationship like we have perhaps with Pete and Sarah down in Sydney they they do see elements of that and we see that in them that you know we share our hardships and everything else but I don't think that we necessarily share the really ugly stuff or you know those aspirations that perhaps you're just a little bit too ashamed to tell people well I mean I'm not terribly ashamed to tell people things as a general rule okay but yes i agree yours is much less dick-like response than mine although you did have a fuckload of time to prepare your response whereas i was given all of 15 seconds so we had another question but i'm gonna also hey look the bus is coming back it's doing a u-turn it's busting a u-e up with the up at the next roundy and it's coming back on our direction so we did nobody says roundy i don't know what the fuck you don't try and australianize words that are not australianized yes they do nobody says roundy maybe back where i grew up nobody says because we're lame and bogans yes possible yeah reclaiming reconnecting. So we received an email out there, and again, I've tied it back into this particular podcast because I think if you don't have a good time at an event, sometimes this could play a little bit more into this. But they said for them the idea that reclaiming your partner, or that reconnection, but if you're using the term reclaiming, that it's wrong. It rubbed them the wrong way. They felt like the actual term was... I think the term's pretty crap. You think it's crap too, so that was their point.
Speaker2: I don't claim.
Speaker1: I don't have a claim on you. You don't own me, yeah. Yeah, you don't own me. You're not the boss of me. I agree with that. Is reclaiming a wrong term? I think yes. There is no such thing as a wrong term. It's just a term being used inappropriately. Is it the right term to be using? Is that a better phrase? For that particular instance, I would say it's a on the hardbound definition, which I'm busily typing away right now to figure out. There we go. Found it. Got it in front of me. Your hand is amazing. My amazing hand. Dear Murphy dear murphy i am an elf sorry that's what my hand says that's a call back to the simpsons for anyone who's out there who's listening and who knows simpsons stuff i don't i think it's a it's a correct term it's just been used incorrectly reclamation is the idea that you're taking something back that you didn't or that you owned previously. You're taking something back. So the term of ownership in that is the bit that I don't like. Okay. Yeah. And what about reconnecting? Reconnecting's fine. Yeah. And do you think that, I think in the beginning, maybe we may have done, we may have actually practiced a little bit of that or we may have like reconnected with each other. I'd like to do it every time. It's just that generally your vajayjay is too worn out after the fact. So you would like to do that every time? Generally your vajayjay is worn out. Okay, well, why would you like to do that every time? Is it just because you want more sex or is there an element of like let's come back together as a couple, back to the... It's a little of column A, a little column B, another Simpsons callback. Yeah, so I think it's definitely both. I definitely want more sex, but I want that sex to be with you because I want to know that we're both happy and satisfied and back into our little canister of joy. Okay. I think because a little while ago we did have, we had a play session and then I think we may have hopped on planes or gone and then we were away from each other for about three days. I remember you finally getting home, say, on that fourth day and your comment to me was, I haven't had sex. The last man inside of you was rando man B. You know, it wasn't me. And I think you had a bit of a problem with that, being that it was so long between that play session and us having sex together again yes why was that just began because you wanted exactly the same deal i mean it's uh it's just the want to be involved with you and the want to be the last person who got you off i suppose i don't know let's call me a fucking caveman i'm sure there's a lot of women out there right now who are but it's just that is what it is and do you think there's anything i mean i don't really think it's a negative thing I don't know. Call me a fucking caveman. I'm sure there's a lot of women out there right now who are, but it's just that is what it is. And do you think there's anything – I mean, I don't really think it's a negative thing. I don't see it as a problem as such. It can be seen as a negative thing because there's a connotation of ownership there as well, I think. You know, because I wasn't the last man to come inside you, you know, or come with you means that I'm somehow lesser or less i take less ownership of you i think yeah it is it is what it is people could judge away yeah people could also say that there's an element of i guess just thinking about you know they're playing devil's advocate that there's an element of jealousy or insecurity not necessarily jealousy insecurity there because you want to make sure that like we're good and you've got to get back to being that last person with somebody i don't think that's what you're doing it for but i'm just saying i think that there there is an Thank you. security there because you want to make sure that like we're good and you've got to get back to being that last person with somebody i don't think that's what you're doing it for but i'm just saying i think that there there is an argument that that could be one of the reasons why people might want to do it we can make up arguments all day if you like could we it could be that the the starfish that you like and those starfish remind you of having sex with your partner okay i i don't necessarily have a desire for it, you know. Starfish or for sex with your partner? For reconnecting back after a play session. Like immediately, you know, I don't really feel the need to do that. Let's just establish you are into starfish though, right? They're pretty cool. Yeah. I mean, five fingers. They can fucking zoom around. We've seen them in the ocean. Stay in one spot. I've accidentally stood on one before. They look blindingly hard, but they're not. That made me feel really bad. Yeah, you broke one of his legs off. I did not break a leg off. Don't make shit up. And then two starfish grew from one and you created a life. I don't necessarily feel the need to do that. I think it can be quite lovely. It can be fun, but not necessarily at that evening or immediately after the play session. I think sometimes we just naturally tend to do it in a play session you know you may start with your partner or start with the other people but you may then go back to your partner at the end of a play session so for you does that reconnecting need to happen separately outside of the play session or can it just be at the end of that particular session with the other people it's at it's at the it's at the outside of the play session because that brings it back to being us rather than us with others us with others yeah exactly all right cool which is i mean that that then so to throw a question back your way oh my god if this is the buses if this is you know if this is how it how you say that you don't need that reconnection or and don't need that level of sexual interaction after a play session then what's to say that we can't just have people Thank you. how you say that you don't need that reconnection and don't need that level of sexual interaction after a play session, then what's to say that we can't just have people sleep in our beds with us for the evening? That's very true, actually, if you're going, if I don't need that. I guess because that sleeping in our bed is probably a level of intimacy. I just, I'm not puzzled, so I don't sleep at the best of times, so fuck that noise so fucking in a bed not intimate sleeping in a bed intimate yeah didn't say there was a logic to it that's just i know i mean that's expected cool anything else out on that topic no thanks for the questions guys appreciate you sending us stuff in yeah i could you could you like send me a fucking text or something so i get a bit of a heads up on the next questions that are coming because you know i'm actually been run over by the bus and reversed over a couple of Thank you. Could you, like, send me a fucking text or something so I get a bit of a heads up on the next questions that are coming because, you know, I've actually been run over by the bus and reversed over a couple of times. Let's take a break. I want to come back and I want to talk about a blog real quick. Okay, so... And we're back. And we're back. So the Monongamish Marriage Blog, Friends from Canada, just released a blog... Canadia....that Canadia, yeah. I want to mention this particular one because they talk about sex therapy. Didn't think that through, did you? Not really. They share a lot of themselves in this particular blog. It's really amazing. Thank you so much, guys, for quite frankly being so honest. The opening line here is what happens when swingers lose the desire to have sex sex and they're talking about the fact that they're going through some issues at the moment together that their sex drive uh their libido has been lowered and and how they're working through that as non-monogamous people and that was a really great blog really appreciated the fact that you guys really bared your soul there so for everybody out there please check that blog out i'll put the show notes with a link to it and uh go and support our friends over at the monogamous marriage blog i just wanted to mention that because it was really honest and raw and uh insightful as well thank you do you anything else to say before we wrap up today's episode amazing 85 swinging down on a podcast stard. No, I don't think I have anything else to add other than I would like some sex. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening. Appreciate the hell out of you guys, and thank you again. And thanks to everyone who actually supports us on Patreon. Unexpected, please stop it. Thanks, Davo. Davo, you're a fucking legend. You're a legend.