How to Not Get Laid at Swingers Events

Transcript

Speaker1: You're listening to the Wanderlust Swingers podcast with Aussie hosts Kate and Daryl. If you're curious about exploring your sexuality or the swinging, hot-wifing and non-monogamous lifestyle, you've definitely come to the right podcast. Or maybe you just love travel adventures. Either way, we share our personal, sometimes juicy, sexy stories as well as Swingers Club and event reviews, interviews with other sassy people and of course our global swinging adventures. We try to bring you a look into the Wanderlust Swingers podcast with Aussie hosts Kate and Daryl. the diverse lifestyle that the swinging and non-monogamous community has. We hope you enjoy. Now let's get into the episode. G'day everyone, welcome to the Wanderlust Swingers podcast episode 207, how to not get laid at a swingers event or aka are you too social sexual for your own good. Daryl, g'day, how you doing? I'm doing well. You're doing alright? G'day. to you as well. G'day. It's been a while since we've actually said who we are. I'm Kate. Remember when we used to do that back in the day? No, it was a part of the intro. It was part of the intro, so no, I don't remember. Don't remember? I don't even know what the intro sounds like now. I haven't listened to us in quite some time. You're probably not missing out on much, but hey. No, I'd listen to us at two and a half speed. Is that possible? Yeah. Don't let that to tell you though, guys. Are you the social butterfly parties but somehow never end up playing? We're diving into social, sexual, what it means by being too social and how you can accidentally cock block your own play time. We're going to talk about real talk on flirting and actually closing the deal. That's why I got Daryl here. We're also going to talk about a listener question from about her husband. So we'll hear about that. And swinger tips to shift from talk to touch. I was in the USA for two weeks. Whoa. We've missed, you've missed something really important here. What's that? The update on interesting platypus facts. I'll skip life updates and I'm going to go straight a podcast review for you, just for you, because Charlotte had something to say. So, G'day Charlotte, we saw your post, I'm going to read it for everybody, just so Daryl can get some accolades here. Accolades, that's a big, that's a big word. It is. Honestly, this podcast is pretty good. Not great, that's fucking hilarious. Discovered a few days ago, have listened to 10 or so episodes, but I think I fell in love with it when Daryl insisted on sharing platypus facts. Disappointed that he didn't share more platypus resources. Thanks both for a great podcast, Charlotte. Yeah, Charlotte, there was one other thing I think I missed, which is platypi actually glow under UV light, and nobody knows why. You sure you didn't mention that? No, I'm pretty confident. I'm not going to listen back to the podcast to actually figure that out, but I'm pretty sure I didn't mention it. But just as a side note, I have some wombat facts as well. Okay, give us one, you're permitted one wombat fact. There's going to be more than one wombat. No, we don't want to overdo it, babe. There's going to be a few wombat facts. Leave them wanting more is what I'm saying. are really interesting. So you've got to have more than one. Sure, but then they have to tune in for the next episode. And I'll come up with a different fact about a different animal. I've got, there's so many interesting animals out there. You're already pulling away from the fact that I want to talk about sex, but carry on. Give me a wombat fact. For those of you who don't know, look up a wombat. They're cute, but a little robust. That's your first fact. We'll just look it up. Yeah, take a look at them because a lot of people don't even know what a wombat is. They've never heard of one. Ladies and gentlemen, educate yourself is all Daryl's trying to say. The wombat is, A very close relative to the koala. It's pouch. It has a pouch because it's a marsupial. It goes backwards because wombats dig burrows, warrens, so you wouldn't want to dig a warren and fill up your pouch. So that's why the pouch goes backwards. Really interesting fact about a wombat. Then one other thing, which is super cool, they do cubular poo. Yes, like Lego in poo, basically. Sorry, like blocks in poo. Yeah, which, by the way, the Australian government spent Millions of dollars researching why wombats have cube-shaped poos. Yeah, but that's because it's interesting. So thanks for that. Can I go back to the life updates? Yeah, but I think it's important to understand the Australian government didn't waste money on that because the outcomes... Sorry, thanks, Australian government. We really appreciate it. Don't worry about cancer. Fuck it up. Tell us why wombats have cube-shaped. See, this is a common misconception. The reason the research was done was because it's very difficult to turn something into a cube from something that's round, which is what the intestine is. So anyway, moving on. That's a lot of wombat facts. And I haven't even got to the good stuff. Moving on. You'll have to tune in next time. Quick question. Do you think people are sitting at home on the dial, like, tuning us in? Like, over to Wunderlust? What are you talking about? You said tune in for the next episode. Who's got a ye olde radio that they're tuning in to come and listen to us? Download, press play on your podcast player. Tune in just sounds better. But yeah, let's keep it modern and boring. How's it boring? Listen on Wunderlust. Listen to us. on your next LP. Yep. Double-sided tape coming soon. We just went to London for Halloween, so we'll talk about that on an upcoming episode. We spent two nights partying at a lifestyle club. You, however, have a full travel schedule. I think before the end of the year, you've got the US, Canada, France, if I'm not wrong. Yep. Twice. France twice, US, Canada. That's awesome. Me, on the other hand, I'm home. I'm home, so I'm solid. You've also forgotten Asia. I haven't mentioned that because I said we're going to try and stop in. I was going to say we're going to try and stop in Australia, but I don't want to get carried away with my excitement. We're going to try. That's where we're at the moment. We're at the trying phase. Dude, though, I'm going to Bangkok. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. I mean, you were invited. I need an invitation, honey bun. You can go to Bangkok anytime you like. I'll bang some fucking cock. Oh, Jesus. Have you ever left a swingers event? That's why it's not called bang pussy. Have you ever left a swingers event with a sore throat from talking and nothing else? So yes, I'm joking about STIs there a little bit. Being charismatic, talkative and flirty feels like you might be killing it at a swingers event, but it can actually make people assume you're unavailable or just networking. Have you ever heard? We used to say we were social sexual, right? Yes. Back in the day, like somehow, I feel like 10, 8 years ago, we used to say we're social sexual. Sociosexual, I think is what we used to term ourselves. Yeah. So we did say that originally. And then as people get quite stuck on labels, we had a few people saying you're actually not sociosexual because sociosexual means that you're more interested sexually in people's intelligence and everything else. So you're more like social sexual. So I think years ago we used to say sociosexual, but I think we backed it off a little bit there. I feel like you did. I don't know that I was involved in that decision. Yeah. So I'll label myself, whatever. the fuck I want. Would you say that you are still then sociosexual today? Okay. Interesting. So sociosexual, if you're not aware of this term or social sexual, it's just basically like willingness. They are the same term. Willingness to engage in a casual sexual activity, but that you are wanting to kind of connect with people, wanting to talk to people, wanting to flirt, wanting to have fun, all the rest of it. A little bit more social than just coming and giving life, than just coming, than just turning up at an event and, you know, putting your dick in something. Okay. an orifice of some description. That's what it basically means. But too much socialising can work against you as well. So you think that you're still kind of social. Would you say, though, that you kind of bounce, because we've done an episode on being down to fuck, would you say that you kind of bounce between the two? Yeah, of course. I mean, it just depends on the mood in many ways. The event, certainly, and the length of the event as well. Because I'm much less inclined to get to know people deeply when it's a one-night event than what I am when it's a one-night event. for a seven-day event. That's fair. That's fair. Because I have time for both on the seven-day event and one night you don't necessarily have that time. Right. And so I put something out there and I'm curious what your thoughts are on it. On an average event or an average club night, for example, what percentage of people do you think that you would say are there to fuck? On an average club night. On an average club night. I would say a lot, probably 80%. Okay. Thank you for that. That's roughly what I said as well, and people kind of gave me shit. Look, I realize that the swingers' lifestyle is nuanced, right? And that couples do tend to go to clubs, events, and on dates for various reasons. And yes, some just go because they want to have a nice, flirty atmosphere. Some go because they want to dress in lingerie. But let's make an assumption that 80% of people are there to engage in something sexual, right? Let's make a broad brush. Let's make a broad brush. Yeah, let's just broad brush this. Now, I did put a lot of information about this particular topic out on social media because I wanted to start gathering other people's thoughts. So I have some that I'm going to sprinkle through the entire episode. This person said, who were they? Ad Flimsy said, yes, 100%. I'm so sick of hearing that it's important to remember that it's about the socializing too. Let's be honest. Are you really looking for friends? If you are, join a couples hiking group, et cetera. I'm always the one who asks to go back to the bedrooms. If there are no two hours of talking about your passion for bass fishing isn't going to change my opinion. In other words, like if we don't have any kind of connection, probably not. Mainly because I'm not big on bass fishing. Yeah. They said, I usually take my partner back to the playrooms early for round one to remind people that we're here to fuck not discussing the book of the month club. Most people are either scared or anxious and are waiting for someone to ask them to play. What do you think about that? I think it's a... Do you agree that people are asking, waiting for others to maybe make the first move? Most people are nervous about asking that, asking for that. So that's certainly a part of it. Yes, for sure. I don't know that I don't know that that everyone's there with that intent though I'm hopeful there was a lot of comedy in that in that post rather than assertiveness because it very much feels like but he telling other people how they should do their experience that's what that post felt like to me but hey I'm not looking to get offended so moving on yeah so here's a question that I asked I asked this in three different communities I'm only going to give the results for one but I said have you ever been to a swingers event and got so caught that you missed your moment to play? No. And here's the three options that I gave people. I said, yes, I end up chatting with everybody and forget to shift into play mode. Sometimes I catch myself being more about connection and conversation. And then one person said, no, I keep socializing limited and make my move intentionally. Yeah. So 47% said that, yes, I end up chatting and I forget to shift into play time. And 47% said, sometimes I catch myself being more about it, about the conversation than action. What do you think about the fact that you've got Quite a significant amount of people that are standing around and talking and perhaps are forgetting. Do you think forgetting about play? Do you think it's true? I don't think anyone's really forgetting about play. Maybe more forgetting to ask the question. Yeah. So what do you think is actually stopping people? Like they're engaged in conversation. I reckon it is in the back of people's minds. Is it nervousness? Is it that you don't know whether the other people are interested? Maybe you're not interested and you don't know even how to get out of that conversation. Like what do you think is actually driving this being too social and not moving into play? Really good question. I think probably in most cases it's just a nervousness thing. Nervous to ask a question or nervous to say that you're not interested. What about the times that you and I have been to a club or something and we've been quite social rather than kind of asking for the money? I don't know that I've ever been. My concern here is that I'm always holding on what you're doing. We covered this in a previous episode. I tend to wait till you're ready. Okay, what about the flip side then? Have you ever noticed? We've been talking to a couple and you can tell that they are maybe like wanting to ask us, but they're nervous. Have you ever been that emotionally intelligent that you're picking up on other people's stuff as well? I mean, yes. I mean, I regularly mention to you that they're wanting to play and you're like, no, I don't think they are, blah. They're not. And I'm like, maybe we should just ask. Okay. So, yeah. I found this response to be quite funny. So, Miss Iowa Curious said, we call it talk blocking. I loved that. I was like, that's Actually, that makes sense. So when I was going through thinking about this concept of people being too social, I see it a lot at my events. So running events, you know, all around the world. And I don't think this is limited to like the US. I see it in the UK. I saw it in carp. I see this in action for my clients a lot where they spend their days socializing and making connections, but struggle to ask for play. And then they can leave the event without having played. And that could leave them feeling disappointed if their intentions were to play. Or they leave it until the last night and the playrooms are absolutely heaving and then everyone's walking around looking for those like shit we better get some last minute connections because otherwise we're bad we're bad swingers because we've come to the swingers event. Last minute fucking not last minute connections. Last minute fucking yeah because we're we've left our run late and now you know we need to get a bang in for our buck. Yeah I mean that's that's real. Yeah so I see some times actually happening in real life it's really interesting to I can see that play out like I can tell that two couples are quite connecting, but neither one of them is moving on to the next step or getting, you know, overtly flirty or starting to move that connection into potentially fucking. I see it over days, boiling away at the surface. So why don't you do anything about that? What the hell? What am I supposed to walk up and be like, hey, do you two? No. But just, okay, how would I do that? Hey guys, the playroom's open at nine, just in case the four of you might be interested. How would I do that without being a creepy creeper? Just like that, the playrooms are opening at nine. So, you know. Hashtag just saying. In case hashtag asking for a friend. Maybe without all the hashtags. Just say the playroom's open at nine. That might be enough for the conversation for somebody to say, hey, thanks. Do you guys want to go? It's a really easy opener. You don't have to add anything else other than that. Just walk around and tell them. Don't you think that's creepy? Just me busting into a four-way conversation. What's so fucking creepy? You're running the event. Hey, you two look like you want to get your fuck on. Maybe don't drop that. Because they might not want to. Some of the people might not want to. But if you drop, hey, the playroom's open at nine, it gives them that they both might ignore that and move on. But given most people judge events of any kind, either clubs or events on if they get laid and if they have good fun, then, you know, kind of part of the solution there. I'll try to do that. I'll try to do that in future. Thanks, babe, for the recommendation. So being social. It wasn't my recommendation. It was yours. It's your words. My words, but you said I should probably try to do something. Why wouldn't you help other people? Get laid? What am I? Fucking wingwoman for everyone, yes. Just a friendly neighbourhood wingwoman helping people get laid since 2016. Friendly neighbourhood spider clam. I wrote this down. Being social can get you friends. Being intentional can get you laid. What do you think? Yep, I agree. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up? Yes, I wouldn't say enthusiastic, but there's certainly some thumbs up. I wrote it down. I made it up. Yes. That's why I asked you what you think. Being social can get your friends. Being intentional can get your life. Yes. Agree. This next one is. Did you write that down? I wrote it down. Oh, thanks. Buck rides out. Buck rides out said, I've never had this happen to me, but it is absolutely a thing. It's funny because you can miss out on a play, miss out on play by being too social and by not being social enough. There is a sweet spot that you have to hit. When we go to a club or an event or what have you, we always go with the intention that we want. to play with other people. Now, will we? Maybe not, but it's always our ultimate goal. If we just want to socialise, there are cheaper, easier ways that we could do that. So I thought that was interesting. I reckon we should take some of that on board. They mentioned the sweet spot of you can't sometimes just get laid if you're not making any effort. No, it's not that they're not making any effort. You can also just seem predatory in a group of people who are perhaps there to at least know your name. So what are the different, are there cues? Is this a time restriction? So for example, we played with a couple at the club the other night. Was there a moment in time, time or conversate? Like how did those social cues move from chatting to the club? I know what they said to you, but what kind of physical things or what changed in there to make you realize what was going on? There was no, so there wasn't time for that because he was very, very honest and forward with his intentions. His intentions. Yeah. He said, we both find you very, you guys very attractive. This was much earlier. in the night. I don't think I even mentioned this to you. We find both of you guys very attractive and interested in what your play style is and whether it might be something you'd be interested in. But that wasn't an invite back to the playroom at that point. That came later after some more conversation. Interesting. Yeah, what's also interesting is this always comes to me. People, they always, if somebody wishes for us to play, they never bring this to you. comes to me. Interesting. I wonder why. Actually, hold on. I know why. Let's go to segment two because I actually might. That's exactly why. I might have. In segment two. If segment two is about flirting, then that's why. No, it's actually not what it is. Segment two, though. If you think we're talking about you, we probably are. And yes, your ass looks fat in those jeans. Give me a second. I'm going to expand on this. What is your intent, right? Are you there for social or sexy time? Why? Why are you there? Now, I have... Again, I think on the back of the last comment that you made, I think we need to do more of that because we very rarely go to an event or a club with the intent of playing. We go there with the intent of seeing if we want to play because... But it's in the whole point of that then... You see this as an overlying pressure that we will play if we go there with the intent to play. I don't see that the same way. So I've been disappointed in nights, many nights that we've been to events or to longer term parties. I've been frustrated with how things are moving. That doesn't mean that there's a problem with how it went. It just means that it's a frustration. That's allowed. You're allowed to be frustrated about things. So Rob said this happens regularly to us, especially at a home club. And the reason I want to conclude this one, because I have something to say, but the socializing takes up the evening. We are fine with it, but sometimes we just want to do other swinger shit. Now, Rob said at our home club, socializing can take over. I think, and we witnessed this on the weekend, sometimes when you go with a built-in group or you've got your local club that you go to maybe once a month, twice a month, whatever, you've got a lot of built-in people that are at that club and therefore socializing can accidentally become the first thing that takes place, right? Because you're getting around, checking in on how everybody is, it's a party, it's fun, you've got maybe friends there or whatever. And I think sometimes, and we experience this on the weekend and Halloween, you need to step outside of that circle and you need to go and find fresh people to engage with and hang out with and possibly play with, right? Because sometimes you can get stuck in those social situations, particularly if you've got a built-in group or your local club or whatever. Yes, you can. Absolutely. And you're right, because after the event on the weekend, I said we also need to go places where we're alone, which we did with the second round of carp this year and we still had fun. And we do that a lot, I think, when we go to the clubs here in the Netherlands. Like, when we get a fun or fatter, nobody knows where we're going. We don't announce it. We're going on our own, just you and I. So we do that. We do that a lot, I think. But here we go. Many stories, do they sound like you? I kind of tried to characterize different people that you find in the club, and I'm so excited to see what you think about them. Okay, I've got six different ones. Are you ready? One, the MC. You hold court all night. Everybody laughs at your jokes, but no one thinks you're actually available. Okay. Have you seen that person in a club before? Okay. The Talker. You're deep in five conversations at once, but never close a single deal. The Broad Flirt. Everyone gets a little, but no one gets quite enough. So that's what we talked about before about needing to find that sweet spot. Yep. The RBF. You've got Resting Bitch Face in full force. It's not a muscle issue. It's a life decision. You might be open to play, but your expression says, approach me and die. Yeah. I mean, that can be Resting. That doesn't just have to be Bitch. Resting Dude Face. have that look on their face as well. This next one is, I think, me. The one more drink person. So waiting for the perfect moment until it's gone. Yeah. I think that's me. I've done that. The ghost. You drift through rooms but never create an anchor. So that's a six difference. So the MC, the talker, the broad flow, the RBF, the one more drink, that's me, and the ghost. And where do you think I fit in? Nowhere. Okay. So there's a whole nother category for... Just Daryl. Dickish podcasters standing in the corner. I can slow stroke in it or something. Is that where I fit in? No, I think that you would bounce between... Actually, you might be a little bit of the MC. So you're holding court, everyone's laughing at your jokes, but no one thinks you're available. I think you might be a little bit of that, but it's not actually true because you get asked a lot, specifically even in France. You've got four to five different propositions. Yes, that would not be a fair one. I don't know. I think you're missing everything from the other perspective. You've only listed the people there that are... are not there for potentially sex. Oh yeah, you're right. So you've missed all the others. Yeah, no, you're right. These are the six personality types, I guess, that you'll find that end up perhaps not playing. You're correct. Then there's probably six others that are the... Yeah, you're right, actually. I have not done the other side. We need to do that. Not at all. You've got just down to fuck. Down to fuck guy. Why is it a guy now? All of these you expressed as women and then anything that's sexually forceful is... about a dude. No, the MC I said was more masculine. Did you? I didn't get that impression. Yeah, the MC's more masculine. But you're right. I haven't done the people that are there for the other side. But that's the point. This whole topic is about being too social. The whole point is about how Kate is so biased to the social side, which is, you just highlighted that in that. Yeah. And I wrote something else down and I'm guilty of this. It's not that you're not desirable. It's that no one is sure if you want to play. It's highly possible that you're in the midst of these, like the talker or whatever, you're in the midst of these conversations, except the RBF. It's possible people don't actually think you want to play. It's possible that you're in the social situations, but then people aren't even sure if you want to play. So that's one of the reasons why you're walking away being too social. Let's move on to section three. I want to talk about like tips. Okay. Okay. Let's go. Let's go. This is the, this is the, Again, possibly the worst couple to be giving these tips, but let's push on. So turning talk into touch. Did anyone hear that eye roll? That was a very solid one. Intent is sexy. So say it early, say it clearly, and a flirt that doesn't land isn't an invitation. And what I mean by that, and I struggled with this a lot, is flirting with people or kissing somebody or being overly flirtatious, but then I actually don't necessarily want to fuck that person. And I still struggle with it today, because a lot of people go in these clubs and they're quite flirtatious, but they actually maybe only want to sleep with one out of the ten people that they're flirting with. And so my issue with that has always been that level of expectation and whether that's my background, I don't know, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. So you get these people that are overly flirtatious and maybe they don't want to do it. So that's why I have always struggled with this. Hang on, are you saying you're overly flirtatious? No, I'm saying that's the reason I don't do it. I'm not overly flirtatious with everybody. Because I am worried about the level of expectation. Because you are less comfortable saying no. Yes. Okay. Yeah. And it makes me feel very awkward. So yeah, if you want to shift from being socialiser to play partner, you have to use very direct signals. Eye contact, stepping away politely from the group. You know, this is all very common. And yeah, one of the things that you could say is I'd love to keep this going. Are you free later? Or can we go and have a moment somewhere quiet? Or what are you guys doing later? are you going to be in the playroom later? These are all ways that you could shift that dynamic from talking to next steps. Yeah, but all of those are later. None of those were now. You know what I mean? Everything you've just said there is, will you be in the playroom later? Will you be interested in taking this on later? But here's another set of words that are in between yes and no. Let me think about it. It's a pretty simple response and it doesn't mean that you're not interested. It just means that you, I mean, there's so many reasons that you might not want to play right now. Let me think about it. this and I'll come back to you is a really simple response to make it that people know where they stand because otherwise they may if you say oh will you be ready to play later you know or you're happy to meet in the playroom later you give the there's an intent there you've offered that people might stick around for and you might spoil their not so intent is sexy and here's what Mary had to say about it she said for me it's the I can't tell if you're floating with me or just being nice which is kind of what I was just alluding to I need people to literally say, would you like to have sex with me? That's what she's after. Okay. I'm curious as to whether Mary would know whether I was flirting with her or not. Okay, tip two. Do you mind if I grab your ass kind of fits on the flirty area, right? Is that an offered intent? Mary, if you're listening, if Daryl said to you at one point in time, do you mind if I grab your ass? Can I grab your ass? Can I give you a kiss? Is that intentional enough for you? But again, kiss doesn't necessarily mean anything more, right? I know so many women that will just kiss everybody in the club and not want to play with them. That's my concern is some of that mixed signals confusing. You know what I mean? Okay but you can kiss anyone in the club and then just say I'm not interested in playing. Yeah but that's up to them to ask that question and as soon as the question's asked it's answered. That's exactly how consent works. We need to make it more obvious when we're wanting to play with someone. Okay so the next tip is to isolate and create space. This is more relevant if you're in a group situation. So if you're at a club and there's like maybe six people talking, eight people talking, and you want to kind of isolate two people from that group or have, you know, a private chat or start to talk about potential for playing. Ways that you could do that is say, hey, do you want to go and check out that lounge? It's quieter there. We can talk kind of one-on-one, that sort of thing. Can't you just say, hey, do you want to come talk to us? We're only interested in you and not the rest of the group. It's pretty mean. No, it's not. It's not mean at all. It's fucking obvious. our time with you, is there any chance we could pull you away from the group to have a conversation between the four of us? Yeah, that's what I just said, but not because we don't want to fuck your friends. They're ugly. But nobody, but you're implying that. I'm not implying that the friends are not attractive or I'm not interested in them. I'm just more in, I'm more interested in that couple than I am in the rest. I don't have a problem with pulling people away from other groups. And they, of course, can also say, yeah, no, we're here with the group and we're here to play with the group. That's fine. I don't mind yeah but if you don't the problem with what you're offering there is if you say hey you want to go find somewhere where we can have a conversation they may see that as an invitation for the group and they might go hey yeah absolutely let's let's go hey guys we can talk one-on-one is what I said very specifically yeah okay I'd hope that they would not take that and then just invite the group because that shit's rude okay cook eat sleep said I'm so bad at this. So I took the be the change you want to see approach and now I'm usually the party starter. We're not exhibitionists. Usually we're pretty introverted so it feels a bit awkward at first but no one is paying much attention after a few minutes. So that's kind of what you were saying before is that you go with the intent. Sometimes the way to get around this is to force yourself into a different position than is your standard comfortable mode, right? If you're comfortable being a socialiser but your intent or your desire or your want is to play Sometimes you do have to force yourself out of that comfort zone in order to take that first move. Ask for the goods. Yes, of course. I mean, yes, goes without saying. Anyone who's socializing is their normal will default to that and not ask the question. Next one, tip three is about what I said I am earlier, which is the just one more drink kind of person. So timing. There is a moment in time where people will stop socializing and move on to the next person. Especially those people that are there with the intent to play, right? So you're going to... Which logically is... Fair and reasonable. No, logically is a lot of the people that are there. Yep. So before the event, which is what we talked about earlier, you need to decide with the intent, I'm here to play. I'm still going to be social, but I am here to play. And change that mindset over to making sure that you're kind of that, yes, you're going to socialize with people, but you're all, no, I'm going to move on to the next day. or not waste that person's time, move on to somebody else, etc. Because that's the other thing too. You can kind of get stuck in social situations with people where you honestly aren't interested in playing with them. Yeah, just because I find somebody mentally stimulating doesn't mean I find them sexually stimulating. How do you get out? How would you give advice to get out of a conversation then? I'm going for a drink. Oh, come to the bar. That's great. Yeah, I'm thirsty too. I'm going to the drink with, go for a drink with Kate. I'm going to the bathroom. Let's catch up later. We're going to a look around the playrooms. There's mountains away. ways to do it. It's really important you don't add to the end of that. We're going for a walk around the playrooms. There's no invitation there. There could be an assumed one though. The invitation is if you say, would you like to come? But what if somebody says, okay, we'll come. How would you then, we're just going on our own? You just have to be pretty blunt at that point, I think. No, you can go for a walk around the playrooms with them. That doesn't mean you're actually going to do anything with them. You just, you can also walk away from people in the playroom. You just say, we're going for a look around the playrooms. We'll see you guys later. Yeah, there you go. That's it. It's not hard. Not hard at all. And in fact, I don't, you know, I will use, not use, I'll say that in many conversations anyway, just because I want to go and have a look around the playrooms without having to track with 10 other people. I'm just going for a look around the playrooms. I'll see you later. I'll see you later. 100%. Or I'll be back. Yep. So tip four, having a game, a pregame plan with your partner, right? So maybe talk to them about it. But I said, have you ever done this? Have you ever been too social? This person said, Prossy, have you seen us at a swingers party? I feel so seen and so called out at the same time. Both my partner and I are very social and we're genuinely curious about other people's lives. And yes, we've had this happen to us too. We get too deep into conversations. This person said, I quite like the parties where there is a dress down time at 9pm because it reminds us what we're there for. Yeah, a dress down is a good push. And so that's the social cues too. So what I would say about this, have a game plan with your partner being titmum of four. I think even if the club doesn't require a dress down, so the club that we just went to on the weekend does not require a dress down. And later in the evening, because I was actively trying to get in the mindset of, okay, socializing kind of done, we're starting to move on to sexy, like starting to flirt with people's sexy time. And so I said, I'm just going to pop downstairs and I'm going to changed into some lingerie, which I did. And then later I was saying to you like, babe, go dress down. And you were like, no, I don't think I'm going to. And I was like, babe, go dress down. So I forced you eventually to go downstairs and do that. But that's another great way where you can start to move that mindset, make it obvious what your intentions are for the evening as well. Yeah. I don't need to personally be dressed down to have that mindset shift. You don't, but for other people, they might. Yeah. But that's probably, yeah, I agree. But that's probably why I didn't see it in the same way as you did. were very focused about me needing to dress down now and me being like... Yeah, can we just backtrack? Like, why do I have to ask you four times? Like, just go do it. No, because sometimes... Your wife asked you to do something. Go do it. Sometimes I just don't want to. That's... Sorry, let me just... Your wife asked you to go do it. Yeah, and same response. Sometimes I just don't want to. All right, tip five. Confidence lives in connection, not performance. So, recognise when other people are in play mode. That's what I was talking to you about before. Versus social mode, right? that is a difficult one because for me... Not for everyone. Yeah, for me, again, I think, to Mary's point earlier, are they just being friendly? Do they want to play? I feel like you might be self-reporting here a bit, though. Yeah. If you arrive to an event and everyone is low-key talking, like, build rapport, if the mood shifts, dancing, low lights, people changing it, a lingerie, etc., like, you need to shift into that, too. Hey, yeah, just a heads up, when somebody grabs your ass, they wish to play with you. If they kiss you, they wish to play with you. These are, like, But that's my point earlier about me not wanting to kiss too many people because again there's an assumption at play. Yeah you can just say no. That doesn't mean just because you kiss them doesn't mean you have to play with them. Them kissing you is an indication they wish to play with you. Fair enough. That doesn't mean you have to play with them. Ever. You might be just there to kiss people. That might be your night. My next tip is not necessarily for you but perhaps other podcasters and other event hosts and this one is don't stay anchored the host role if you want to play. If you sense that you're still performing for others or again being that MC or being that kind of that, you know, life of the party, you've got to get out of that loop. Otherwise, you're not going to play. Now, I included this one as well. It's another one from Mary, but I included it because I love it. So we went to a great house party once where we had mingle time and then the hostess got up and told the ladies that it's time to change into lingerie and commence fucking and I was forever grateful. What I was just saying about changing, and sometimes being that confident person that has to move on to the next step. That is an interesting one, however, because I remember the first time there was only ladies only told to change the laundry and I was like, what the fuck? So I'm kind of more interested in everybody changing the laundry. But those are my tips. Those are my five tips to moving from talking to play. I feel like you missed one. What'd I miss? Just asking. Just asking? Yeah. Ask for it? Yeah. Did you cover that? Did I miss that? Or you just say, hey, we're enjoying talking to you, but let's go play? would you like to go play? Pretty solid tip. Tip number six from Daryl. Just say it. Yeah, I mean, or if you feel uncomfortable saying that, just say, hey, what's your play style? Is it something that we could share or is it something that you're interested in sharing with us? You know, if you're too shy to say, let's go play, what's your play style? Is it something that would be aligned without, you know, there's other ways though, for sure. But I think, yeah, I think you very much, you've positioned all of this from the side. This is all positioned on your personality and persona which is either wanting to stay out of things you don't want to be involved in or how to force yourself to go from a situation where you're wanting to chat with everyone and drink another drink. A lot of this is positioned from that side not from the obvious side of let's just ask the question. Yeah that's the point because this whole episode is aimed at people that are being too social and not getting laid. That's the entire purpose Yeah, but all of these points could be quite obviously dispersed just by asking a simple question Do it better, just ask to have sex with somebody else What are you doing with your life? Stop spending $150 to go to a club Just get in there and just ask for sex What it comes down to is confidence The position you're coming from is assuming confidence in everybody You're assuming everybody starts off at the same keel of confidence and that is not the case No, I'm not saying just fucking get on with it. I'm saying you can use all of these techniques and still end up nowhere. Whereas the one thing that finalizes everything is just the question. And I think, so let me be more blunt here. The reason that I think it's important to ask the question. More blunt. Yes. The reason I think it's important to be able to ask that question is because you need to be able to ask consent questions. Yeah, you do. If you can't ask the broadest of consent questions, which is, would you be interested in and potentially playing with us. That means the rest of those consent questions are even more dangerous for you to ask. That's interesting. I actually don't necessarily agree with that I think because I find once we're over that hurdle of like yes they're interested in play like we did in the club on Saturday immediately I was like okay what are you guys interested in? Immediately I was like cool like how would we fit all this together? Like where would we fit together? Which is something I immediately did and I think it actually took the three of you all by surprise because it was like oh okay. We'd already had that conversation. All three of us, in fact. Just him and you, not all three of you then? No, she was involved as well. He drew her over partway through that conversation. We have a listener question from Tiffany. Tiffany, my husband thinks he doesn't ever get asked to play. However, often he is too busy holding court. I changed a little bit of the words that she used there. He's often, because I used him above, he is often too busy, talking to the ladies for him to realize that play is even on the table. I know Daryl is often known for being more charismatic at events. How do you pull him away, isolate him and get him to actually play? That was a question for you. So why are you looking at me? It literally asked you, how do you pull him away? She's asking how can she pull her husband away. No, that's not what the question was. So answer the question, babe. How do you pull me away? I just say, come over here. It's not. That's lovely. Come to the bar with me, babe. Come over here. Can I borrow you for a second? Or just talk in my ear and say, hey, there's a couple over here. I've done that too, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's the way to get it done. Just say, you are coming with me, dickhead. But then if you're like, I don't want to, I'm having a great time here, Kate. I don't want to dress down. Okay, fine. Do you not want to get laid? Because there's some people over here who want to have sex with you. Da-da. Yeah, it's pretty direct. I think certainly with your partner, you can be more direct, right? You can say, hey, we have an option over here. here. Come for a walk with me so we can discuss it. Yeah. I think people are a bit afraid of being rude to the people that they're talking to, right? Like they're worried. If I come over and pull you away from a group of people that you're talking to them, I'm like, Jesus, Kate's pretty fucking rude. But I don't care. But of course you don't walk into the group, flip them all the bird and say, I'm fucking taking him. You just say, hey, I need you. Please stop wasting my husband's time because I want to go get laid with these people that I find more interesting. Is that what you're trying to say? Yeah, that's probably not the way to go. I think yeah but to your earlier point I'm going to the bar come with me I'm going to play like that it's exactly I need to talk to you need to borrow you for a second yeah come over here there's plenty of lines here yeah I need the bank card I gotta buy us a drink whatever yeah yeah that's not a good one though that's not a good one then you just hand it to me yes yeah I need your signature no also not good I need your johnny hang yeah yeah well that's yeah that's our relationship right there so that is how to knock it late at swingers I think I'm gold star at that, to be honest. To be sure. To be fair. Although, I have to say, at every single Swingers event we've been to over the last very long time, we have. No, just remembered SDC and the Belgian party. Yep. That wasn't our fault, though. So two in the last four we had, so that's a 50%. That was actually not our fault. That was because they were not Swingers events. That's not our fault. Okay. Let me backtrack. Every single Swingers club that we visited recently and Swingers the actual event that we've been to, we have played at. Yes. So therefore, I'm very good at, in fact, getting laid at Swingers fans. Yes, of course you are. I can just get pre-laid more often. Over the span of, let's just go, so you're now grouping events, like seven-day events into one event. When was the last time you did a seven-day event? Five-day event. Never. Sweetie, most of the time, let's be really honest here, most of the time you will play on the first couple of days, your vagina will explode into some sort of issue. And then that kills the rest of the event. Yeah. I'm working on that. Day two or day seven. It doesn't matter. That's true. So coming up, we're going to talk actually, speaking of non-swingers parties, we're going to talk about sex parties versus sexy parties and the dirty vanilla epidemic. So we're going to talk about that. But otherwise, we're going to go on our travels. And thank you so much for listening. And we'll see you next time. Don't forget to check out the show notes for 2036. and everything that we've got going on with the podcast. Thank you, folks. Just hit my head on there. Yeah, I know. I heard it. It was like a hollow, rounded out sound, like a bell. Like somebody rang a bell. We don't have any other swingers things on the radar at the moment, do we? No. Halloween was like our last little thing. I don't think it needs to be the last, babe. There's plenty of time between now and the end of the year. No, I'm saying that we actually have tickets for and stuff like that. No. Yeah, we have to look it up. Do you want to go to one of the clubs again? Yep. Which one? Yeah, just one of the clubs. One of the ones with single guys. Do you want to track the Friday night thing again? Because remember we had a theory at the Fun for Two that time. Yeah. So do you want to go on a Friday night and see what happens? Perhaps. Mayhaps. Again, thank you for listening. So, Daryl, lead us out. Bye. Bye.