EP101 - Top 10 Swinger Club Fails

Transcript

You're listening to Swinging Down Under, a podcast about the swinging, non-monogamous lifestyle from two crazy Australians with over four years of lifestyle antics to keep you entertained, informed, angry, happy and horny. Join our international swinging adventures. G'day guys and welcome to episode 101 of Swinging Down Under podcast. Today we are talking about our top 10 swinger club fails but these swinger club fails as Daryl just realized when we're reading the list are from the past five years so his comment was what was it you were digging deep into the archives?

Yeah absolutely I mean a lot of this stuff I struggle to remember so it might be pretty exciting for everyone out there. Thank god for notes. can talk about it though and then you can figure out why it's not in your memory bank well it didn't make it in there yeah i suppose we could but you know and stuff i was hoping that you would actually carry on the conversation for me whilst i had my red wine but that was clear that that was not going to happen so yes i will be truncating that silence thank you well i didn't realize that you had that Where is the wine wing man?

That's what I want to know. He's currently looking at the inside of a Nespresso famer to figure out how to fix it. That's true. I thought you said multitasking doesn't exist. It doesn't. Okay. That's absolutely the case. Thank you for your shining assistance on the podcast today, Daryl. Thanks for turning up, eh? No problem.

I've come, I've bought theespresso famy thing to to fix and i'll be here for the duration all right well hey guys what we're doing is we're going to count them down as if this is kind of like a top 50 top hits kind of situation so we're not doing the voices what do you mean well i'm sorry you let me let me okay i was so gonna try and do that and now i'm pissed off that you've caught me out on it before I even had the chance to actually do that. No, that's not going to happen. We're not doing that. No. Come on. No, I mean, it's bad enough listening to actual radio people do it.

Have a bit of fun, Daryl. Okay, go nuts. Okay. Go nuts then. So you're starting with number 10. What we're also going to do, so this is actually going to be a two-part podcast. So to offset Kate's um you know her uh her way of doing things in an overly expressive sort of radio show tone i'm going to do mine in exact opposite as monotonatic as possible just to offset because i know there's people out there they're going to be like oh my god i need some monotone just to get my brain back in this podcast i see so basically we're we're just going harys here.

We're the yin and yang of the radio world. We can do that. Okay. Hey, but the second segment's actually going to be me reading out some of the responses I had on social media. So I received a bunch of responses from other people. I actually asked on some of the Swinger forums that we're part of. Most of them good. Most of them are great.

I asked on Twitter, on on twitter on instagram etc and i got some really really funny response responses so the first segment's going to be our top 10 and then the second segment's going to be basically me reading daryl in a radio voice radio so glad we can filter the echo out in post-production all right so here we go you go. You've got number 10, Daryl, so can we get an intro for that? Number 10. Not making it into a swingers club, London. So we may have went to London for a – well, I mean, it was just a bit of an adventure, right? A little bit of a – London town, yeah.

It was on our way back from a work dealio that I had to go to and we decided that we'd go to a swingers' club in London. We thought it'd be a good plan. We thought it'd be a great idea. And then... And then we didn't. And then we went to a Harry Potter-infused... What's it called? I don't know if it's actually licensed. No so let's just say it was a magical land cocktail making experience. Yeah, they're not allowed to call it the Harry Potter cocktail experience because Harry Potter wouldn't allow that, so it's called something else. I think it's the Magic Cauldron or something.

It's got the word cauldron in it somewhere. Oh, good memory. Yeah. Well done you. I don't remember the rest of it, but I remember the cauldron. Yeah.

So we went there, and I think we've actually explained this maybe on uh podcast uh stardate 73 um was when we actually discussed this this whole event but we um yeah we didn't quite make it we just didn't we didn't make it really at all we didn't do that at all we got there what we did was we paid our deposit our deposits and then and then we didn't go and then we didn't go because we um we got really stupidly drunk at the uh at the the we decided to not to the non-harry potter the magical wizarding magical wizarding cauldron cauldron drinking binge hole that had cauldrons that exploded in fiery balls as well um so we we proceeded get drunk there.

And, frankly, if you do want to, I mean, back in podcast Stardate 12, I think it was, we spoke about the 12 ways to get into Kate's pants.

And there's now 13 because one of them is now taking her to a non-Harry Potter aligned cocktail magical wizarding location yeah you know so that actual trip um we actually had a great night by the way when we talk about this being a swigger club fail it's because we didn't turn up at the swigger club but we actually had a fantastic time and some really sexy fun with friends so that's uh you know by the by but the great thing about that uh trip was that was just after I had and for those of you who are confused now and thinking, well, By the By lives in Australia, Kate was using the term in its regular context rather than in the By the By context.

But do go check out our friend's By the By podcast based out of Sydney, Australia. Yes, that was actually just after I quit my job in April 2019. And so got out of my government job and quit my job and my first trip was I think the same day when we left to go on that trip so that was uh pretty amazing super stoked about that yeah and then you proceeded to get stupidly drunk without being anywhere near the Harry Potter franchise but something like the magical wizarding world and uh you crossed magic wands before you knew it.

You were crossing magic tongues, and before we knew it, we were, you know, shagging some Londonites in there. You've got nowhere else to go. No, I don't really. It kind of went downhill from the non-Harry Potter magical Wizarding World. Hey, guess what? What? Number nine. Feeling fine. This one is. Wow, we're going to do the. I'm going to do bingo as well. You're going to do the bingo rundown? I don't actually... We should have started at legs 11 then. No, no, we should have done that. Leaving all of my jewellery, my clothing, my shoes and my lingerie at our secret spot in Sydney.

That was very early on in our journey. Yeah, but let's just say you've since repeated that more than once. I have repeated that a few times, but this was...

Just recently, was epic because i i don't actually understand how i got it all back oh i did but this is a funny thing because i think i messaged lawrence i'm gonna say the next day or he messaged me one of the two and he found let's say a item like my necklace for example my big chunky gold necklace he found that and then he proceeded to find another four or five other items that i'd left and i'm not just talking about in one room but just everywhere in the club so paul lawrence and jess had to go and collect my items like they're on some sort of like i don't know uh choose your no not that not that can't say that treasure hunt a treasure hunt and find all my items and then i had to then go and pick them up so that that's coming in at number nine because i just think the amount of times that we've left or i've left have you ever left anything in a club before yes Thank you.

all my items and then I had to then go and pick them up so that that's coming in at number nine because I just think the amount of times that we've left or I've left have you ever left anything in a club before yes one vampire tooth yes I did leave one vampire tooth but let's just can let's just contain that and step back a little bit I didn't leave it behind it fell out of my mouth and I lost it we were in we were not in any sort of sexual sexy environment when that happened is that it fell off my tooth and it landed on the floor and frankly speaking it landed on the floor in a in a swingers club so there was a high likelihood that i wasn't putting that thing back in my mouth anyway without you know i mean because they are still bars right so you get an awful lot of funky funky stuff on the floor shoes everywhere but they get i mean it gets cleaned regularly and all that sort of thing, but.

How much would somebody need to pay you to actually lick the floor of a bar? Cool, depends which bar. I'm just trying to think of one. Let me think, oh, one of the really dodgy ones in Brisbane that always smell, you know, the one in the corner. Oh, they always smell like a cross between beer and urine. Yeah, that one on the corner there that really stinks even during the day. How much would you do to lick that? I'd probably do it just as a bet. Shit, I'd do it for a fiver. Yeah, I'm not terribly sophisticated when it comes to that. You're probably asking the wrong person.

I have eaten a cockroach before just because somebody said there's a cockroach. I wonder what they taste like. Just so you know, everybody, they taste like coriander. Yep, which is not – what's the name for coriander in other people's speak? Coriander. Is it? It's all coriander. No. No, there is another word, but yeah. This is the Australian couple. Australia. Yep. Hey, what do you got over there for number eight? Feeling great. That's not what number eight is. I don't know the bingo things. I'm just making sure on the fly.

You need to just making sure you google that shit i know you've got a computer in front of you you've got to get it going actually i've got three technically yes i know and then your phone oh no i was including my phone in that my ipod's over there ipad rather ipod you have an ipod i actually still have a number of ipods we do have two or three i think yeah it's weird i don't know why we should probably recycle those no now we can keep them and we can have our own ipod museum we can have that because there's like a sex soundtrack on one of those that's what's going to get more people more okay listen everybody out there if you were sitting on the fence about visiting singapore and you were like gosh you know it's a long way to travel the flights are expensive we've got an ipad ipod for everyone who comes we're going to set you up with an ipod museum directly in our house free ipods for everybody who walks through the front door Thank you.

gosh, you know, it's a long way to travel. The flights are expensive. We've got an iPod for everyone who comes. We're going to set you up with an iPod museum directly in our house. Free iPods for everybody who walks through the front door. Come on down. Yeah. The only one we're missing is the iPod shuffle because somebody decided to throw it out in the last move. Did I? I thought I might have, but I wasn't sure. I was not happy about that. We still got that for charger, but not the shuffle. That charger is nostalgic, all right? I'm keeping it. Yeah, absolutely.

yeah absolutely so the next one number eight having sex on the peripheral in the shower area of an orgy room as there was no orgy bed space hashtag orcs it was awkward jesus christ daryl that's just do you want me to not do the monotone anymore oh i see what you're about're about to say. You're about to say, you don't do the radio thing. No, no, keep going. Keep going. So that was a little awkward. It was actually kind of weirdly fun, but kind of awkward as well. I mean, so this is in our secret spot. This is actually quite a long time ago as well.

Yeah, this was in there because they have two sites now. Four years ago. And they've got a huge shower section up in the orgy room. And it's big. It's massive just remember huge big sale it's not that big at all i just remember i mean it's big but it's not huge i think it's pretty big okay um we're not talking we're not talking about the shower area anymore and uh we were i think i was like down on my knees giving you giving you head or something in the shower section whilst we were waiting on a bed space to open up.

You know, like, in the grocery store, hey, you have to take a ticket and then they call your number? Yeah, but we didn't have a ticket machine, so we couldn't do that. I'm just saying, missed opportunity there. We could have sold a ticket machine. Oh, what if there was a line? We can sell our space to somebody else. Yeah. Be like, hey, you can be next in line if you give me a fitty.

a blow job or a blow job or something else yeah yeah absolutely we can pimp ourselves out for line space so um yeah we we ended up i i actually don't have a good memory of this so you know we went through these before before starting the podcast and kate's like well now we need to talk about why you don't remember them well i don't remember it because it was fucking awkward yeah daryl why don't you remember it because it was awkward and there were there were bodies in front of me everywhere fucking and i was awkwardly trying to you and then we ended up in a scenario where we said this and we left a lot of a lot of f words in that yeah but not a lot of not a lot of actual fucking there was fucking it was other people fucking yeah yeah there was a lot of that going on all right well the bed was full though it was uh i'm gonna say there was probably a mess of 20 people on that bed oh more and it's and let's imagine four four like king size beds pushed together that sort of size bed i think and um yeah there were there were a lot of people on there there was really no room there were people tagging in and tagging out it was it was kind of funny yeah that's about it okay so we're up to number seven then yeah i'm trying to think of something for number seven i've been thinking about it for about the last 37 seconds so let me see oh number seven take me to heaven uh this one that is actually you're back to bingo is that a bingo reference yeah uh i think it's stairway to heaven i've only ever played bingo, and that was on a P&O cruise liner out of Australia where I literally wanted to shoot myself in the head and contemplated an evac off of the craft because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

It's probably had more to do with the fact that you were constantly seasick. Well, there's that too. This was a total vanilla cruise with, what was it, 22 ladies? 25. 25 ladies. I think it's a mistake in my life. I don't know, what the hell? 20 and 25? Yeah. Yep. It didn't really work out well. Yeah, nobody fought at all. Getting kneed in the head in the orgy room. This was me. This was another orgy room situation. I don't remember. Oh, man. Oh, I remember it was so hard. And then she tried to kiss me after, and I was like, go fuck yourself, lady. You're just like, seriously.

No, look, she was all sweet and she was like, oh, you know, because she got me hard. She got me really hard and I had like, you know. So this is the first time in an orgy room we're using the word got me hard and not actually being positive about it. Yeah, like the black was caving in from either side of my vision kind of hard.

And then she was like, I'm so sorry and tried to do like, let me kiss it better in a very sensual manner and i was not having a far of it let me tell you yeah i'm not a bar of it i was like no please please go away now please please and thank you you smell and you hurt my head and you smell and you smell basically it was like you hurt my head and now i'm on the defensive now i hate you now i don't like you anymore no i hate you don, if you did that to me, if you need me in the forehead, that's all good. It's all good. We'll see each other again. She hates you. I do not. With a fiery passion.

I don't hate anybody. All right, what do you got, number six? Number six, pick up sticks, because I don't know anything else. Okay, so this one, that's actually correct, stick up pick up sticks. Oh, God, it is not. Yeah, no, it is.

Number six, pick up sticks, is definitely a bingo term term this one is turning up on the wrong night in melbourne and spending spending over a hundred dollars on taxis now let's how do you how do you say melbourne again melbourne melbourne no not melbourne why is it not melbourne because we're australian we say melbourne how do you spell it well exactly as it's not pronounced yeah i'm just i was making a point for everybody else out there in the world it's melbourne we don't spell it like that but that's how you say it yeah we don't spell most of things the way we say them say speaking of melbourne i know you want to talk about this but um melbourne our friends are good friends mr and mrs negroni are moving to melbourne and you know why i'm so stoked about that i get to explore a new city because i get to mooch off of them that's all i'm'm going to say.

Go back to your Melbourne point. Mooching. Super mooching. Okay. So Melbourne, yes, we were actually headed in and I need to correct this because I believe Kate's got this wrong. In fact, we weren't there on the wrong night. They had advertised that it was on that night and it wasn't on. So this was when I flew down to Melbourne for, I'm going to say less than 48 hours.

and it was a last minute trip and it was on scoot airlines and the flight was like 350 bucks and it was a horrible flight and we decided to try and check out the melbourne scene and we went on to red hot pie and there's three clubs in melbourne that what are they during the week they're like there's one now permanent club but they're yeah at the time though there were clubs where they take over saunas. So during the week, they're operating as a male sauna, and then sometimes, radically, they take it. It's the lifestyle club, I guess.

The group comes in and does kind of a takeover, and that's what we were attempting to do. So how come we haven't been to the club in Melbourne yet? Because I haven't been down to Melbourne, but now that I get to mooch off good friends that live in Melbourne, hey, hey, in April, I was hoping to go down. April, maybe? I'm there next week, week after. I could just bomb in by myself. Look at me, I get to fly down and do some business. I could just bomb in by myself and have a look around. I might have a look around. You could. Go for a look around.

I think that's called a look-see-loo, and I'm not sure that lifestyle people really appreciate that single man. Yeah, good point. So, yeah, so the issue was we turned up after travelling like a 25-minute cab ride or something like that, 20 minutes. And getting ready and buying champagne. Yeah, we bought booze and stuff. And then we turned up and only to realise that it wasn't on that night. So we stood out the front and they said, you can come in, pointing at me. Oh, I remember that. Yeah. And I said, okay, I mean, I'd like to bring my wife with me. And they're like, nah, she can't come in.

She can't come in. So off I went. And that was the time that Kate, I don't know what the end of that story could have possibly been. But I do remember we had a fight out the front of the club too because we were so pissed off. And I was actually a little bit angry at the dude. The poor guy at the front desk was like, no, you've gotten the date wrong. And I was pissed, man, because I'm like. Yeah, no, you did the backward check and checked that you got the date right. And then you were like all grumpy about that. I'm like showing him, and he's like, what do you want me to do about this lady?

Like, get out of here, lady. And I was so mad. And he's like, you're being a dick. Yeah, and he's like, this is why you're not allowed in here.

It's not because you've and uh you know he's like you're being a dick yeah and he's like this is why you're not allowed in here it's not because you got a vagina it's because you're being a dick because you're yeah yeah you're a dick yeah so there's that that's so that was like yeah about a hundred bucks on taxis wasted and yeah and then we just went back to the hotel and i'm pretty sure we drank the bottle of champagne and then just went to sleep pretty much yeah in yeah. In an angry mood. At least you weren't grumpy about it. Oh, I was well grumpy. Were you? What? No way.

I didn't give a shit. I just got in the cab and went home. Should have sent you home and gone in. What was that? Number six, right? Yeah, so it was pick up sticks. Okay. Let me see. Number five, am I feeling fine? That's probably what it is, right? Number five, feeling fine? No, that doesn't rhyme at all. Five, jive. Oh, okay. Number five. I don't know.

something about jive uh let's see whoa i'm so puntastic right now okay hitting head hard on the dance cage when i was flinging my hair back and also at the same club not being able to speak the language or engage with anybody at all this was in spain it was in spain i remember exactly when you were talking about i don't remember hitting your head though yeah oh yeah i was doing the whole sexy there was a dance cage and um i was doing the whole dancing in the cage and really seductively and had my lingerie and i was doing a little stripping and there was these beds around it and i thought i was just being so sexy and uh this was actually when we went over for your 40th birthday if i'm not wrong yeah that's correct and thought i was being really sexy having a great time um grabbed the cage and tried to do like the hair flicky back thing and just smashed my head on the side of the cage and i really feel like most of these things involve me getting injured well i mean there is another story at least one more story coming that does include an injury excellent uh yeah that was painful and then i tried to like you know just dance it like it didn't happen, but there were a few people watching and I'm pretty sure they saw what happened.

Oh yeah, they saw what happened. I was a bit embarrassed. They were laughing, just laughing and laughing. Hey, language in clubs when, you know, the primary language is not your language, that's a little bit tough, right? Can be, can be. It certainly was when we were in Spain.

There was not a lot of people there that spoke our language and well our language sorry we were in their country so you know probably should have known spanish uh i knew uh enough um italian to be totally wrong in spanish which was good and then i knew some bad german and japanese i knew some bad indonesian as well i know a little bit of indonesian and i think think sometimes I like to merge them all together in a big mixing pot and really cup the languages. Yeah, yeah. Really, just really kill the language. So, yeah. So, the Spanish, tough, tough.

But we ended up, it was quite funny because there was us and another couple, which were the only four English speakers in the room, I think. No, she wasn't.

Oh, she wasn't ran over he was an english-speaking dude but she didn't speak a lick of english and so nor did she speak spanish no she didn't speak spanish she just spoke french and this guy spoke english and french and then he was talking to us and then talking to her it was weird yeah it was really um really awkward yeah so uh we didn't get laid that night no we didn't we did not because it was um excitingly awkward it's hard to make a connection when you can't even really have a conversation with somebody it is a wee bit difficult yes yes absolutely so i guess we're down into number four now number four get on the floor Okay.

Well, I mean, that's a good segue for this, actually. Oh, really? Because this is you falling off the stripper's pole and smashing your head. Classic. I told you there was another one. Classic Kate. Yeah, and this may have led to the stripper's pole being removed from this particular club as well. No, it's still there, actually. Is it? This would be, I'm going to say, the third or fourth time we ever visited that club. Yeah, absolutely. How well do you remember it? I remember it pretty well because I remember the thud and I wasn't even in the room. I wasn't in the room. Neither was Lawrence.

That's why I remember because Lawrence ran out there to see what the fuck had happened and you were splat-tastic on the ground. I was. I didn't try to actually uh you know do a little sexy jig and pretend like that never happened i was like yeah i just fell sozzy yeah so you um you did bang up the you hit the ground hard enough with and you had that chunky bloody necklace on again so when you hit the ground it made a huge noise because it was a wooden wooden floor over over carpet to keep it something you could dance on. And, yeah, it made a massive noise.

So, yeah, Lawrence ran out to see what was going on, to see whether you were dead and to make sure you were okay. Because I'm pretty sure, well, it's twofold there. One is making sure you're okay. Number two, holy, please don't sue me. I mean, that's what I would have been thinking as well. Oh, 100%. And also, drunk bitch, get out of my club. Yeah, get out of my club. You're up here bleeding on my shit. No, I wasn't bleeding. So, no, no blood, nothing quite that exciting. I'll tell you what happened. You did splat really nicely. I had a few drinks and I was like, hey, I've done.

How is it that all stories like this start with, I had a few drinks? I don't know, hey, that's what happens.

I had a few drinks and I was like, you know what, I've done done a beginner's uh pole dancing lesson you know out of the eight eight weeks you know i turned up to six and and hey i can totally do an invert because i'm awesome and so i'm just gonna try and do that watch me nail this watch me nail this and nail the ground and i did i nailed it and i nailed it good she says so yeah you hit the ground with a decent splat it was quite interesting to hear and then And then you actually got up. You didn't seem that damaged. No, I wasn't.

We actually ended up playing that night, so you kind of been damaged. Or was I? No, I wasn't really, to be honest. Yeah. Well, it was only your head anyway, so like. Well, what more damage could you do? When you start with such an imperfect canvas. Oh, stop it. There's only just, you know. You're just hunting for're just hunting for a compliment now. No, I'm actually not. Oh, look at you. Look at you staring into my eyes, hunting for a compliment. Not at all. I'm actually looking at the canvas painting behind you. Hence why I came up with the word canvas. Number three. I don't know.

Something that rhymes with three. Um, I need to pee. Let's see. Getting out of the hot tub awkwardly, flashing my vajayjay and falling over.

Well, I mean nearly impossible to get out of a hot tub i was gonna say this is basically standard yeah but beside the falling over getting out of a hot tub it's nearly impossible to not hang the vajayjay out oh no no hold on i think that i think that the uh the hot tub is a uh an equal opportunity uh hot tub that likes what do you mean like in terms of like, you know, you can be male or female, whatever you identify as, I think that nobody gets out of a hot tub looking great.

Nobody gets, no, I don't know looking great, that's not the right thing because there's some good-looking vajayjays and penises out there. So when you get out of the hot tub, you might be looking good. Okay. You might be looking real good.

But it's not a great angle it could it could possibly be not the worst the best angle have you ever slipped in a hot tub before no because when you're in a hot tub you're just floating around so if you slip you just kind of float a little more okay oh you mean getting out of a hot tub yeah like when you're trying to walk and maneuver around have you ever like misplaced your foot and slipped and smashed your penis on something no like well hey i'm just asking because generally your penis wouldn't hit it's always going to be your testicles if it's that area if that area your body is going to be testicles and then you're going to ball up and probably just float around crying has that ever happened to you no are you sure yes okay yes i don't remember and plus i don't float so you know real problem there most people don't float in hot tubs useless fact because's got air in it.

What number have you got? I'm down to number one. Oh, that's right. I left that one for you. Okay. Are you ready for this one? Number two. You already did that. Cows go moo. This one is going into a room with a single guy and having his girlfriend beat the door with a fist and angrily stomp out of the club. Oh, yeah. I remember that. Not too long ago. Yeah, not too long ago at all.

Miscommunication between the two of them as to what the situation was and in fact they were both just going in there to get changed and you and the single guy it was a miscommunication between him and her as to whether or not they were single and their relationship what their relationship status was right that was a miscommunication or misunderstanding and then second to that was the fact that there was a complete misunderstanding as to why we went into this small room which was to literally change out of the club dress and into some lingerie that was it i thought you were changing into your costumes actually we were changing into our costumes because it was glow night so i was getting in my wife yep so i fully remember literally just uh very very innocent but it does go to show you that the perception out there and everything else that goes along with you just never never know what other people are thinking and uh so she sometimes other people lose their shit yeah she proceeded to come along she smashed her fist on the on the door which had a little glass window on it and then stormed out of the club a lot of noise it did make a lot of noise because you weren't in the room so there were an awful lot of people who like went what the fuck was that i was gonna say so from your perspective what was that like well, I didn't see a lot of it.

It was more just that there was a loud thought, like the glass rattling in the door, and then somebody storming off. And I'm like, what the fuck happened there, basically? And then a single gentleman, who's a lovely guy, he then went out, I went out, basically raced out after it to find out what was going on. Yeah, and they've since spoken and kind of cleared up what the confusion was about their relationship. I mean, it's all fine.

But, yeah, that was one where I was like, I think that belongs in number two right up there because only for the reason that – Oh, sorry, are these in like an order as well? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well, that's news to me. Hence why the loss of the jewellery was like way back when and, you know, fist-bashing on doors is number two. This system seems to have some holes in it. And what holes is that, Daryl, exactly? None at all. That's exactly correct, sir. Hey, what's a good rhyme for one? Let's have some fun. Smack your bum. Number one! Smack your bum. Yeah. Okay.

Okay, so this happened recently. This number is the reason why we decided to do the top ten swing and cob fails. Yeah, so this one was a bit of a cork. It's not the only time we've had this happen, though. It's not the only time. Which is interesting. And also, you can listen to so many other podcasts out there. And in their first three outings, I think there's been a lot of people that have fallen into this trap. Correct. Yes, yeah. So three or four outings, people tend to, you know, they self-medicate a little bit and sometimes over-medicate.

So in this particular case, we were in the middle of a play session with two exceedingly sexy people who we enjoy our time with every time we manage to catch up with them, which is not that regularly, unfortunately. Not regularly, no, unfortunately. Because they live in the US. But every time we catch up with them, we have a lot of fun. And in this particular case, we were in the middle of round two, or sorry, just kicking off round two of the fun in the playroom. And then the lady in the playroom just beside us, like there's some sheer curtains covering.

And you probably got a better view of this because you were getting taken from behind at the time looking directly at her. And yeah, she vomited like hardcore vomited over the bed out of the bed onto the ground like it was a projectile kind of infers sort of it infers one oh no sorry she she right more than once vomited just generally that word kind of infers one there were a number of chugs in there here's what i want to say to you have you seen the original exorc Exorcist movie? Yeah, I mean, you know, that was done with peas and it kind of looked the same as well. Yeah, that happened.

Everybody knows that. We were playing and... Everybody in the world knows the original Exorcist movie. Hey, you told me you hadn't seen Alice in Wonderland and almost... I haven't. And I still haven't because we watched the first 10 minutes of it and you went, this is fucking boring. And I said, yes, this is why I've never watched it. And it's not the original you found out also. Oh, it's not. It's the one I grew up with. Yeah, because the original was made in like 1930 something. That's right. Just after Black and White film started. Although I did think.

It's like a piano player in the corner. I did tell you that I was like, oh, it must be. I was born in 1985 and I was like, it must be somewhere around the 80s. And then we realized it was like 70s or something no it's actually six uh 53 whatever 50 53 it was old it was a pretty good job no it was really terrible no it was possibly the worst Alice in Wonderland no actually not possibly it was it was the worst Alice in Wonderland I've ever watched I was unable to finish it it was that bad yeah but you're like a picky angry old man so like sometimes I don ever watched. I was unable to finish it.

It was that bad. Yeah, but you're like a picky, angry old man, so like sometimes... Oh, your facial expressions were fucking amazing. You're right on two of those. You're right on two of those for sure. Yeah, look, that happened. You know, we got thrown up next to... Oh man, there was vomit everywhere. There was vomit everywhere. We had to walk around the vomit to get out.

Oh shit, it was not nice nice and this also happens to coincide with the other time that kate left all of her shit in a fin club my fin skirt was stolen and my necklace yes was in the playroom cube which has been unrecovered skirt was stolen no it wasn't it was outside no it wasn't i'm telling you now somebody stole my skirt listen you're wrong you out there you're totally wrong no you're showing accusations and i mean there, there's people that may take offense to that. For example, the people who own the club thinking that you're inviting now the shirt, skirt stealing people into their club.

That's not how it works. If you return the skirt, no one will be harmed with my set of skills that I have acquired over many years. Oh my God, fucking hell. We're back into poor movie quotes. Hey, that's our top ten. What do you think?

I think that's probably probably about right there has been some others that are right up there like what stopping mid play because somebody was too intoxicated that i was worried about consent issues that's one that was uh that was a concern that was one for me uh what else was there that's that's i don't know that i'd call that a fail though i'd actually call that a win because i think that's a... Being aware of the person that you're playing with. Yeah, absolutely. And that goes for anything other than just intoxicated. Like, maybe it's just their emotional state or whatever.

I mean, come on. Yeah. Yeah. If you're talking about clubs only, I nearly got drowned in a club by a woman who squirted in my face. That's probably been up there. That'd be legs 11. Isn't that just, like, half the course, course like out of the risk of the job? I think there's a consent scenario in there as well. Oh okay. That's my honest opinion on that because it's you know for a man to come in a woman's mouth it's something that's considered consent worthy. Okay.

And I well I mean again back to my theory if it's not normal you know human blah yeah then then it should be consent and your consent is your consent so whatever i got eyes full of stuff and you know it wasn't nice hey let's uh let's take a quick break and then we'll come back and i'm gonna read you some of the other responses that i got on the forums are you ready i'm gonna should i do the whole thing in a radio voice or just no no because if you do i will leave not let alone the other people on the other end listening to this. Awesome. Yeah. All right. We'll be back in a second. Okay.

Are you ready for these? No. This one is from Perverted Pinata. Pinata. Perverted Pinata. As in something that gets the fuck beaten out of it. Hey, Daryl. Yes. Two things. Potato, potato. And second, shut the fuck up. Pinata, banana? Our first time at a club was a disaster. We were nervous but ready to get the party started, looking hot, got to the club. There were about five people there. Wah, wah. Eventually people showed up. Still a bit sad. Did they do the wah, wah? They did the wah, wah. Oh, really? Yeah, it says wah, wah.

Wow, thank you for prompting Kate to be horrific with her radio voice. So, driven a bit to get there, put in all the effort, said, fuck it, decided to have our own fun in the curtain playroom, went downstairs, he's pounding me doggy style, my face in the wall, not a curtain, then out of nowhere, the curtain opens a bit, letting light in, we hear a loud authoritative man order us to get out of here now. Record scratch. Immediately, we stop and look at each other like, what the fuck, it's close to closing, but we should have plenty of time.

Completely ruined the mood, no We'll be the back and then you you know you just you destroyed it for them maybe that's true uh this one this one next one's from london swing couple and they said our highlight was losing a shoe in a large dark room and having to ask the nearest five or six people if they could help us find it swingers being being lovely people that they are, they stopped their orgy, found our shoe and then got right back at it. Yeah, that sounds about right. That sounds like a swinger plus, like a swinger positive, not a fail.

Yeah, people will happily hunt for your shit even in the middle of play, which is really quite amazing. I think swingers are the only people in the world who do that shit.

Yeah stop stop naked and be like oh stop doing something they're really enjoying you're missing a shoe everybody help her find her shoe I mean imagine a basketball court where people are playing basketball and you know and you say oh man I've lost my diamond ring I mean the only reason they're stopping is for the reward which you know we've actually no my old boss actually lost a diamond ring in a mud pit in fiji and we did try to find it which was just fucking ridiculous i don't know why we bothered uh yeah thanks london swing couple right let's see uh here we go tl uh in texas on twitter one of our biggest fails is going around meeting new people getting new friends realizing at midnight that everybody else has paired up and we have not hashtag swing a fail yeah that's a pretty standard swing a fail yeah yeah you got to watch that you got to watch especially if it's a small group you might go off to the toilet and then you come back and somebody else is like just you know snake their way into your grass sneaky swingers and actually tying that back into a um a party a club situation too we went a number of number of years ago to a killing kittens party in Sydney and a similar thing happened where by the time when we had been down, gotten a lingerie ready to go, there was people and they'd close the door which means, you know, no go, can't come in.

So that was a bit shitty. They just didn't like you. I think they didn't like you actually. Everybody likes me. They secretly said we don't like Daryl. Most people don't secretly say that. If our reviews of this podcast say anything, most people don't secretly say that. So thanks, TL underscore ATX. They're on Twitter. And next one is Dreaming Merc and left the wife's bra behind in the lounge area for hours. I did find it later. They've got a number here.

A man having a sudden seizure and having to be carried out in wait for wait for ems fuck me a man screaming how much he does not give a fuck and demanded to leave his sleeping wife being the only ones in the playroom area and a woman who had to have known what was going on but was not ready to actually see sex at all so walked in saw sex lost her shit um creepy guy following my wife and i into the bathroom sorry about that into the bathroom after we didn't acknowledge him at the bar when he moved closer to us and a completely dead pool party with music and foam still going i've experienced that at a lifestyle event last year it is so awkward where the dj's up there spinning beats and it's like you know smoke and everything like laser light show and there's like you know one person on person on the dance floor.

That's awkward. Cool. I feel like you should combine those. Now I want to do that. I want to get a smoke machine, cram it up the arse of a bubble machine and make smoke full bubbles. Why? Why not? Imagine it. You pop one. You pop one and the smoke just drifts off. That sounds amazing. I think that's actually, that's not physically possible. What? No. Of course it is. No, it's not. It is totally possible. Now I'm going to get a fucking smoke machine and a foam machine. I'm going to be making smoky foam. Okay, I don't know how to pronounce. Somebody's Googling it right now.

I don't know how to pronounce the next use, so I'm just going to say the second half of their username is Powers because I got that. That makes sense. I started listening to a while ago, and I'm on number 10. Fine. The main fail I can think of right now is busting my ass. I've had so many bruises several times because I tried to wear skinny heels. Every time I thought I was super drunk, I was slightly buzzed. But no, it's more than that. I just really fucking suck at wearing heels. I think I fell at least four times that night.

One time was right before we got into a bed and I hit my head on the wall. Ow. I mean, I'm going to say maybe you should stick to flats. Yeah. I mean, just you can do. Or wedges. No, she said skinny heels. I think she means specifically like. Yeah, I know. Stilettos. Stilettos. But surely that carries across the whole heeled shoe range though. Like you can't just be. No.

Ter yes you can can you yeah okay i can't speak to this because i'm now mansplaining heels so i'm just more curious than anything else about the physics of this hey here's the next one that i really like the username of you ready rogue otters ns rogue otters rogue otters so so much fun i like it having the most massive what does a rogue otter do do you think go rogue man what do you reckon you know what you don't even know rather than holding the paw of the otter beside it to sleep it's like the one who just punches autumn otter other otters randomly in the groin it's the asshole otter it occasionally comes up when there's an otter smashing it just them apart.

Like it goes up into the middle of all the otters holding hands and floating along and it walks up and just like, and then like pulls them apart and then just otters off. And then otters off. And then otters off. I figured he'd just run over when they finally managed to break their way into one of the oysters that they're cracking on a rock on their chest.

He just walks over and just like slurps it out of the fucking shell just as they're about to press it to their mouth What a jerk otter Yeah I know He's rogue Okay Having the most massive orgasm with a wand on the end of a bed Filled with beautiful humans Making a, unbeknownst to me, puddle on the floor Just below my feet So I get up I'm all fired up And I seductively I can see myself doing this And I seductively try to jump back into the puppy pile and promptly slip or fall flat on my arse in my own little puddle. That was my first ever time at a swingers' club. Fuck me. That's awesome.

That's the best one ever. That's so good. I mean, did you hurt anything? I mean, that's my – I'm curious about that. She's got the two emojis in there. She's got a face slap emoji and a laughing smiley face emoji. Okay, so she survived. She sounds okay. Did she live to tell the tale? She's writing to me something. Maybe she did or maybe it's just one of her friends. Maybe it's a ghostagram. You don't know. Yeah, so, yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. I mean. Yeah, it is a good one. Falling in your own personal lubricant.

I'm calling it personal lubricant because I can't think of another name for it. You're trying to make it. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I'm trying to make it sound better than. Your lady juices. Yeah, lady juices. Your girl come. Girl come. There we go. Girl come. Girl come. Yeah. So tripping in your own girl come. Coming. Okay. The next one is from Always Interested 75. This one's a long one, but I'm going to read it anyway.

The very first time my wife and I tried out anything was last May during our first club visit a lot of first first timers here uh we decided to have sex in the open uh at the back of the club this was a huge step for us and we were very conservative and we are and were very conservative everything was going great until this nerdy dentist who really liked my wife shows up i love that you know we're calling it a dentist he's sozzy guys um is that because he like he he said you something? I don't know. He shows up and he starts to narrate. And I swear to God. Oh, fuck.

I swear to God it was like having sex in front of Joe Buck on a Sunday afternoon if Joe Buck was a 14-year-old boy. This guy's funny. In a very loud, calm, almost professional radio-quality voice, Jem's like, are you ready? Look at that.

He's fucking the shit out of of her and look how wet she's making his what and they sure know what they're doing look how hard her nipples are of course this brought many people over which is and kind of isn't what we wanted this went on for several minutes but it seemed like fucking hours yeah i'm sure it would and i kept alternating between extreme self-consciousness and marvelling at how bizarre it was, thinking, is this really happening? Eventually, he threw his wife down on the mattress next to us. This guy's married. And shut up.

I'm amazed I kept my erection and that my wife didn't run out of there mortified. I'm also amazed that we went back. For all we knew, this could happen every time. Well, maybe there should be somebody there every time narrating what's going on. What would you do?

How would you how would i narrate it yeah well i mean that's a good question you'd have to throw in the occasional sponsorship quip as well right i mean because it's like this orgasm is sponsored by swinging down on the podcast or something right it's got to be oh my god okay and we're into the pits here folks we're going for round two we've got to get another condom on so oh we've had a bad pit stop we've lost the erection this is a real problem here folks if he doesn't get back into the game he's going to be out of the game he's nearly out of the race he's out of the race uh it might be something to do with my radio voice but uh sorry about that today's orgasm and play session has been brought to you by swinging down on a podcast visit www.swingingdownonunderpodcast.com.au.

What is the medical attention? Oh, my God. May cause diarrhea, may cause diarrhea. Seek medical attention. Actually, that's true. Swinging Down Under, may cause diarrhea. Hey, feel free to leave us a review. Swinging Down Under, may cause diarrhea. One star. Okay, MelMel02 says, turning the corner by the bar in heels and completely fucking wiping out when I hit a wet spot. So much for that fierce walk. I wonder whether it was the same lady's wet spot from earlier. I know. You know, they're just... I feel like that was Roe Goddard's fault. I know, Roe Goddard's.

The fucking Roe Goddard's struck again. Just leaving it everywhere. Okay.

Late to the party 502 said, my top three, having a grown man come up to me crying asking for a ride home or running into one of my high school teachers and him sorry her assisting on playing around wife got too drunk knocked oh this one this one my wife got too drunk knocked over the dj setup because i can see myself doing this a little bit and then the dj threatening to sue me and then some other random man stepping in and beating the crap out of the dj for yelling at my wife wow yep that's a thing yeah i like how that was number three on the fucking list i feel like they're going in the opposite direction yeah uh let me see here oh this one these guys are from australia curious crumpet reaching for the lube in the dark and unknowingly grabbing a bottle of amyl nitrate someone had left there and giving myself and mississisi chemical burns to the privates holy shit yeah who the fuck's just leaving acid around side the outside of beds i don't know uh let me see here uh poison nicole getting attacked by a goose on the lawn of the club screaming and running away from said goose falling and realizing that the goose had actually fucked off about 100 feet behind me and everyone was looking at me like i was an insane person because it actually wasn't chasing me.

Yeah, geese, you've got to be careful of them, though. Here's what I want to say, boys and Nicole. You and I need to fucking go out and get drunk and have a good time and dance and party. That's what I'm saying. And watch out for the geeses. They're mean, man. They are mean. Actually, we've got some friends in Australia who use them as guard geese. Yeah, because they'll fuck your shit up. But boys and Nicole sounds like a bit of fun. I like it. I like the cut of a jib. I think if you get Poison Nicole and the angry otters, or sorry, what's the otters? Rogue otters. Rogue otters together.

I mean, you could have a lot of fun. Sounds like a bit of fun right there. I mean, it'd be like a slip and slide. You can run from the top of the hill. You get into the rogue otters, girl juices. Okay. Slip and slide down the hill, off you come out the other end. I mean, looking all satisfied in this slip and slide sponsored by S-D-U. Swinging down under. Okay, this was not actually a real, I don't think this was a real thing. This person posted it to me and said, this is not my thing, but it's fucking funny. So what is the worst thing that's happened during sex?

So I was choking on some dick, I'm a romantic type, and he was holding my face all the way down because, you know, I'm nasty like that. And I kept trying to pull off, but he was like, I'm coming. But this fool didn't know that I had to sneeze like right now.

So he comes, I sneeze simultaneously, and out of my nose shoots his load back onto him like I'm some kind of fucking sperm dragon and i almost bit his dick off sperm dragon sperm dragon i love it love it uh friendly swingers mistakenly called emergency services 9-1-1 on my apple watch while playing in a in a with a couple in a club playroom imagine hearing 9-1-1 what's your emergency when you're in the middle of putting a condom on especially when you're yelling oh god and there's screaming and humping and grinding in the background you know the the 911 operator's like oh i'm gonna share this fucking recording with everyone in the office another one last but not least uh angela 2208 basically i was standing up i'm bent over with my head lower than my butt this person is being flogged and my low blood pressure got the better of me 20 people were watching getting flogged by the huge dude and fainting not my best moment oh wow joshi hit the deck man he would have felt horrible as well right on a thing roughly how do you feel about our top 10 swing and fails oh it was a shit i mean we need to get to failing better i know i feel like rolling up and just like creating chaos.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you still have threatened to turn up and flick everyone's testicles. In a swinger's club not sponsored by Swinging Down on a Podcast. You have randomly, you know, said you're going to walk around flicking men's testicles at every club. Yeah, but that's inflicting it on other people. I'm talking about our fails.

Well, you could just randomly walk around and flick your own testicles but so yours no just flick your clitoris then okay just like in the cool story bro yeah well i mean look i don't have a script here people telling me funny things i just make shit up sometimes it's gold sometimes what's your favorite out of those ones oh that's a that's a big call That's a big call. The favourite. Well, I mean, the sperm dragon's pretty funny, but you qualified that that might be made up. Yeah. Okay. So it's still funny, but just. Oh, it's funny as hell. Yeah, absolutely.

And also, whoever actually wrote that, if it was fake, like, I need you to come and write for us. I just want a sperm dragon now, though. I want a dragon that just, rather than than shooting flames just shoots fucking sperm out of its snout i don't is that dragon living in our house because i don't really well i don't have enough sheets i don't clean the house so it's not really true true story neither do you so you know we just live in a sperm dragon infested house that's got we live in a fucking hovel that's got dog hair um uh what's the name, balls, another cool story. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, if you hang around until after the music today, I actually secretly recorded Daryl and I making sandwiches in the kitchen the other day, and you can listen to some random audio.

The quality's not great because it's on my phone and we're making sandwiches, but, you know, if you want to hang around for that after the music, you can listen to us talking more about hovels and like a food in the house yeah all right uh hey let's close it out so thank you very much for listening to episode 101 and we were back it's star date um 97 i think anything else you want to say before you leave no other than i'm off to australia for the next two weeks i have been grounded for a little while which is uh which has been interesting and working from home hey so before we head out i'm going to mention a few different things so thank you very much to our latest patrons casual swinger uh christian and anna and magnus really appreciate the hell out of you guys we have been updating our blog on our website so if you head out to swinging.com there's a blog section there and i have been updating it from blogs that we've published uh previous previously over the last couple.

Mostly they've been in magazines, but we're updating our website to include those as well. So please go and have a look at those. We recently did one about actually swinging podcasts. So over the years, we've received numerous emails from people saying that, you know, your stories can't be true or social media posts saying like, this seems really unrealistic, Swinger forums.

And actually over the past, I'm going going to say two years every now and then we get a comment on the swinger forum saying you guys are full of shit you're full of shit right your stories can't be real you're traveling around the world or you're fucking stories are too fucking boring it's not they can't possibly be real and so we did actually do a poll in i feel like january of this uh of this year hey, you know, general public, how do you guys feel about Swinger Podcast? And we got some great responses, actually. Over 60% of people said, no, absolutely, we believe them to be accurate 100%.

But the best thing was the number of comments on that particular post. So, if you go to our website, there is a blog there, and it's called Swinger Podcast. I think it's called The Truth Behind the Lies or something like that. Go and have a read of it. Click on the link as well because that's going to take you straight out to our Twitter feed and show you the original post. Go and read those comments because they were actually beside the poll, but they were actually some really interesting comments back on that feed and that poll. So please do go check that out on our website.

But otherwise, hey, Daryl, one quick question. Yes, ma'amam random question generator before we head out of here uh i'm going to start doing this every podcast so people can get to know us a little bit better do you know any musical instruments yes do you know how to play the musical instruments i should have asked fuck you i saw you looking at me i knew what you were doing i do i uh i'm actually a uh train i have been a trained drummer which i'm not sure most people would consider a musical instrument. What is a trained drummer exactly?

So I did five years of drum instruction so I could play the drums. Can you still play the drums to this day? Yes, because I think it's, I can't, obviously I've lost a lot of what I could do, but it's one of those things that kind of doesn't go away. It's like tap dancing. What do you think is the song, or whatever the drummers do, because I'm going to talk about why I don't really know that in a second, what do you think is the number one thing that most drummers would still learn after they've kind of forgotten how to play the drums? You mean still know after? Yeah. A standard four beat.

What does that sound like? I'm not going to beep up this fucking thing. No, I'm not. Come on, man., I'm not. It's just a standard four-beat. Be a team player. Most people know the four-beat. Be a team player, Daryl. No. It's not happening. I'm not a team player. I'm out. You're such a jerk face. I'm not going to. I can't. For starters, I can't fucking do it because I didn't list one of the musical instruments I can play as my mouth. Okay. Everybody's disappointed.

Well, I i mean everybody can send me more fucking messages hey so uh my instrument i did about four years of the clarinet for starters so there was that um i did four years of clarinet i then proceeded to do about two years of uh keyboard and guitar clarinet i've done piano slash keyboard guitar and then for a period there i was trying to learn uh the drums but the next question is do i actually know any of that now fuck no no idea no idea couldn't play anything if you told me i probably can still play like love me tender on the keyboard and that's it love me tender yeah that sounds like a hard thing to play no it's actually pretty easy okay yeah is it easier than chopsticks because i can't play that you know what one of my um songs were that i played actually i did two i did two songs in front of the entire school one they're totally polar opposite was love me tender no one was my island home oh really yeah yeah nice and the second one was uh people are gonna have to fucking google that the second one was a zombie by the cranberries wow yeah played in front of like i'm to say like, I don't know, 500.

Three people. No, about 500 people on the assembly. Nice. Yeah. Promptly afterwards, the school person, what are they called? The person that does like the mayor of the school. What are they called? Principal? Yeah, those people. The mayor of the school. Hello, school mayor. How are you today? He's rocking up. He's got a monocle. He's fucking tight as fuck. All right. That's enough. That's us. That's episode 101. Thank you for listening to the ramblings of Kate and the dulcet tones of Daryl. We really appreciate it.

Bicycle is having a fucking right-wing sandwich with a dash of There you are, I can't eat a tuna. Stop being a punk. Got a whole fucking tuna mayonnaise as well. Seriously though, okay, there is mayonnaise left. Look, it's basically a whole fucking tuna. Honey, do you think we live in a hovel? Do you think we should have some tomato and some onion in our house as like, I don't know, staples? Are you sick of eating pork, Penny? Oh, shit. Oh, that's funny. What are you having on your sandwich? Just have fucking nothing else. You can put some like mustard on there. Ooh. Hey, there's lettuce. Ooh.

Get some lettuce going. Let's do mum's thing. Yeah, fucking heaven is going in the fridge. Broke this disgusting fucking scent. Cut some carrots real thin and use that. No? This is what thing I want to eat your fucking fork. I don't understand why you're hating on the lack of food in the house. Also, where is the thing that I was just looking for on the bread? At this point, I can't wait to get to a fucking hotel to have food in there. We've got like seven different types of cheeses. I mean, that's got to stand for something. They're fucking tomato. They're basically useless.

Without tomato, the cheeses are superfluous. That is a very bold statement. Hey, dude, my bread feels off. Well, like, not off. It feels like, um, stale. It could be worse. How could it be worse? Could have fucking no bread. Like, goes really well with our no coffee. Oh, shit, forgot to put a coffee sorry yeah it is on my list of things to do i just just haven't done it. Because I chose to do other things. I probably should heat that up. I did heat it up. What were you cutting it in your mouth? To fit it on. To fit it on my sandwich. It's like a rissole. Just better. You're a rissole.

You're a rissole. I'll see you around. I'll see you around like a wrist hole, Penny. Penny's fucking gagging for some tuna. Give us some tuna. Don't be a jerk. Don't give her a whole tin of tuna. What are you doing? Put the tuna away. No. Don't give her a whole tin of tuna. Stop it. I'm serious. Don't give her a rid of alternative tuna. If you're looking for more ways to interact with Swinging Down Under, you can catch us on Twitter at Swing Down Under. You can also catch us on Instagram, Swinging Down Under, or head over to our website, SwingingDownUnder.com.

We would absolutely love to hear from you. So if you would like to send us an email, jump online, do it at cnd at swingingdownunder.com. If you've got podcast topics, questions, you want to talk about your journey, you can also support the podcast through our website by clicking through on any of the affiliate links or alternatively to jumping over to patreon.com forward slash swingingdownunder and sponsoring the podcast. If you can't do any of those things, but just want to make a feel good day, leave us a five-star review. Cheers, everyone.

And thank you again for supporting Swinging Down Under podcast.