Wanderlust Swingers – A Swinger Podcast Hotwife Lifestyle Stories
The DTF Spectrum: Are Down to F*ck Couples Just More Fun?
In this solo episode, Cate dives into a hot debate among swingers today: the phenomenon of “DTF” couples. Inspired by a lively discussion on Reddit, Cate unpacks the various interpretations of being “down to fuck” and how it impacts connections in the lifestyle. From couples who prefer a straight-to-the-fun approach to those with a selective DTF style, Cate explores why some embrace the label while others feel it’s misunderstood.
Episode Highlights:
What Does It Mean to Be “DTF” in the Lifestyle? Cate explores what it truly means to be a DTF couple, sharing both her thoughts and feedback from the lifestyle community on why this term is more complex than it sounds.
The Red Green Flags of DTF Couples Cate breaks down red flags that DTF couples should watch for, along with green flags that suggest this style may be the perfect fit. She shares insights into keeping experiences positive and aligned with personal values.
How to Avoid Common Pitfalls Clarify What You Want Clear communication is key in the swinger lifestyle. Cate provides tips on avoiding common DTF pitfalls, explaining how to openly define what you’re looking for to save time and find the right connections.
Lessons Learned: Whether you're new to the concept or an experienced DTF couple, Cate highlights how to find your sweet spot on the DTF spectrum. This episode offers a fresh, judgment-free look at spontaneity, selectiveness, and the power of clear intentions.
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Tags: Swinger Lifestyle, DTF Couples, Spontaneous Swingers, Lifestyle Pitfalls, Navigating Non-Monogamy, Red Flags in Swinging, Swingers Boundaries, Open Communication, Sex-Positive Lifestyle, Wanderlust Swingers
Transcript
Speaker1: you're listening to the wanderlust swingers podcast with aussie hosts kate and daryl if you're curious about exploring your sexuality or the swinging hot wiping and non-monogamous lifestyle you've definitely come to the right podcast or maybe you just love travel adventures either way we share our personal sometimes juicy sexy stories as well as swingers club and event reviews interviews with other other sassy people, and of course, our global swinging adventures. We try to bring you a look into the diverse lifestyle that the swinging and non-monogamous community has. We hope you enjoy. Now let's get into the episode. G'day everyone and welcome to the Wanderlust Swingers podcast. I'm Kate and today we are talking about DTF or down to fuck couples in the swingers lifestyle. Will DTF couples just fuck anything that moves or do they value their time and immediate connections more? When you know, do you really know? We're chatting about that, red flags, green flags and how to be a better swinger. So thank you very much for tuning in updates daryl's away so the mice will play daryl is away in quebec city as you may know from our recent episodes and i am heading there in two days i am actually inbound on a plane and then a bus but i also have to take a train to get to the airport so i'll be doing all of the transportation things wish me luck and follow my adventures on social media if you guys want to check them out there in the show notes. And we hope to go to a club while we're in Quebec City. Really interesting the way the pricing is structured there though. They have three different prices to get into the club. So I'm keen to kind of check out the difference in the approach, particularly within Quebec City, because it is much more of a French style than some of the other parts of Canada or, you know, around North America, for example. So keen to check that out, keen to see truly if there is going to be a language difference there as well. So I will chat about that with you guys soon. We're going to try and go there this weekend, this Saturday night. We also just launched a brand new uk swingers takeover in january and that's the same month as my big 4-0 prepare for a slight freak out i'm one of those people that when your birthday is coming up it's not that necessarily the aging thing guys like i know that you know women in particular and i'm going to be super cliche here but women in particular were like oh no we're getting older and actually daryl and i had a a recent debate about why it is that Women see other younger women threatening. And this happens in vanilla life, but it sure as shit happens in the swingers' lifestyle as well. We know people that if their partners are interested in swapping with somebody 10, 15, 20 years younger, they will lose their minds more so. Again, I'm going to be a cliche here, but more so it is the females that have a problem with that. But anyway, I digress. It is my birthday month in January. I'm turning the big 4-0 and we're about to announce a Houston mingle in February as well. So basically, I'm just down here infecting the planet with a wanderlust. I hope that you join us for some of those. But if not, please do head over and follow our social media to get all the updates on what's happening. DTF couples, down to fuck couples. And there is actually some taboo, an inherent almost taboo, and a bit of negativity when people think about the term DTF or DTF swingers, DTF couples in the swingers' lifestyle. So, of course, I'm going to refer to Colin's Dictionary. Thanks, Collins. You're amazing. Who the fuck is Colin?
Speaker2:
We don't know.
Speaker1:
DTF slang, and it's an abbreviation for a taboo expression, down to fuck, used especially in social media, text messages, et cetera, to indicate a willingness for a sexual encounter. So we're going to break down what this actually means in the swingers' lifestyle, and I have to be absolutely transparent and crystal clear when I tell you that I'm going to bring in some of my own personal experiences over the last 10 years. And the reason I'm going to do that is because I have been that person, I'm just going to throw it out there. I'm going to put it on the internet, put it out into the interwebs. I've been that person that will look at somebody who's DTF and go, they have no standards. They don't care who they have sex with. They just want a warm body and that's all that matters. And also on top of that, they probably don't care if the person is attractive or a good person or kicks puppies on the weekend. I've been that person. I have made so many judgments on a DTF couple. And after talking about this, considering it and reviewing some of the conversations that I've had over the last couple of weeks and, you know, really coming mature in the swingers lifestyle, I'm here to say I was wrong, man. So if you have that impression, if you feel that way, listen into this episode, because I want to see if I can change your mind by the end of it and maybe give you some new perspective on people in the lifestyle that are DTF. So let's try to break down the taboo together because yes, although we are in the swingers lifestyle and although we like to think we know everything and we are so far forward in the human race and look at us and look how open and willing and amazing we are, we're still judgmental. So let's break it down. Now, this was a really interesting part. I'm going to kick it off with DTF being a spectrum. And this spectrum starts from everything from I don't want a romantic dinner. And you guys know over the years, we've spoken about the fact that when we first started swinging, we used to go on these like these like dinners we'd plan a date we'd go on a dinner and we had a few horror stories and we quickly went you know what we are not sitting down for the like at least one hour with a potentially crazy couple we're just not doing it so for years you know I think for like eight years we've been saying to you guys like we don't do dinners anymore it has to be a very special occasion where do a dinner on the first date. And instead, what we'll do is we'll stand up, we'll do stand up tappers or something like that at a bar or something like that. But rare for us to do a sit down dinner. So the spectrum itself, I don't want a romantic dinner. Right through to I'm selective about who I get intimate with. Right through to I just want to have some fun tonight. And yeah, I am DTF. Like that is the spectrum. And this is why I think I'm going to change my mind about the whole perception of what is a DTF couple. So I did actually put this up on a couple of different forums. I put it up on our own community. I put it up on Reddit. I put it up on Instagram. I put it up on Twitter. I put it up on Facebook. I basically just put it everywhere because I was really curious about what by and large people thought about this term, specifically again, as it pertains to the swingers lifestyle, because there's a difference in DTF pool in the vanilla world and then a DTF couple right now there are quite a few comments here that I'm actually going to call out in today's episode because it really does help frame what I want to share with you guys about DTF couples so this one is actually from Angela and Angela's basically saying just in a nutshell that it can mean anything from instant chemistry or or playing with an old friend or playmates without any pretense, right? So basically the fluidity of DTF can hopefully resonate with you that it really does depend on mood, people, event, et cetera. So this is a quote from Angela. DTF is a spectrum. It can also vary depending on the circumstances, your mood, the event, the vibe. For example, you get a house party ready to fuck. You find someone you like you like nothing happens at the same party three hours later you talk to a new person for three seconds and you go and play that would qualify as DTF example two you meet old friends for dinner they ask you to play before dinner you go and play that would qualify as a DTF now this is where it's really interesting because you're correct there if you have previous play partners and we've always we've said a few times that we like to reverse date we like to fuck and then go out and do something and that is an example of yeah where that could be classified as a DTF couple but I think when we think about this term in swingers lifestyle we immediately think this person's going and fucking whomever not necessarily somebody that they've had sex with before you go to a house party someone attracts your attention you an hour, you go play, it's still going to qualify as DTF. DTF is not just going to a playroom and jumping on someone random. So that's Angela's perspective there. And here's where it gets really, really interesting, right? Because does experience within the lifestyle, and this is one of my questions, does the experience within the lifestyle affect your approach to potentially being DTF? Do you think it's more about valuing your time or having clarity in what you want? And that was one of the questions that I posed because when I think about our approach in the beginning to now, when I think about our approach to time, when I think about our approach to the different kinds of events, clubs versus events versus date versus multi day clubs versus whether or not there's so many fish in the sea, we we've got none like if our dance card is full versus there's no one on our dance card our approach might be very very different today to what it might be in a month's time or what it was six years ago but does your experience in the lifestyle start to impact your desire and want to be a more DTF couple and this is something I really started thinking about in our own perspective because because I can tell you what, 10 years ago, again, I would have been like, oh, DTF couples, like they've got no standards. They're all ugly. Yeah. I'm going to be horrible here. I'm going to be cliche. It's just because like, they don't think about looks. I don't care about people. They don't care about a connection. They just want to go and have sex. And you know, that's kind of what I used to think. Whereas now I'm like, actually, no, when we say, for example, we're going to this club in Quebec, I really want to have a good night. It's a new club. I'm going to be with my partner, Daryl, in a brand new city, in a brand new club. And I'm going to go there with the full intention that if I find somebody to have sex with that night, I'm going to have sex with them. That means technically we're a DTF couple, but it's not without communication and it's not without a level of standards, right? Or it's not without just being excited for the moment. And this can be different than to somebody that I want to spend a prolonged period of time with or somebody that I'm just having a fling and it's a little bit of fun for the night. And this is where I want to talk about age, experience and the evolving definition of what DTF means, because this is what really started to change my mind. So again, some people think, or I've heard the expression, or I've heard people talk about the fact that only people that are over 50 are going to be more DTF. And that's because they may have a different perspective of time. They may be aging. They maybe have limited offers or opportunities to swap with other people in the lifestyle. It may be because they care less about looks than perhaps a 20 year old does or it might just be that they've gotten to the point in their lifestyle journey where they know what they want they're communicating better and they're actually just going to go and move along with it but as we said before in the previous section it doesn't necessarily mean that they're not considering who that other person is maybe it's just the fact that they had a very quick four-way connection they know what they they're there for. The other people know what they're there for. They're happy. They want to move on. They want to have a great time. They want to walk away going, yeah, that was absolutely fantastic. And so this is where it becomes a little bit interesting that I don't necessarily agree with the people that make the assumption that it's only over 50 or perhaps undesirable people who are going to be more DTF. Could it be? Absolutely. You could also bring in perhaps a socioeconomic background into this because yes, you're always going to have a subset of each area of the lifestyle where people are going to be either classifying themselves as DTF or classifying themselves as having standards or not. But I don't necessarily agree with the idea or the concept that somebody who's reached a certain age or is desirable or less desirable, maybe more or less of a DTF couple. Because some people might make the argument that, you know, a young 20s, late 20s, early 30s couple are going to have a lot of options. And they may very well have a lot of options, particularly if in their highly populated area. And they might not want to play with any of those people. That doesn't mean they're not a DTF couple. It just means that they haven't really found anyone that they want to currently play with. So you're going back to our story and how our viewpoint has changed. I didn't necessarily think it's because I'm now hitting the big 4-0. Yes, going back to the beginning, I'm hitting the big 4-0 in January. I don't think it's got to do with that. I honestly think it's got to do with growth within myself. So I have definitely changed over the last 10 years. I've matured, not just in myself, but in the swingers lifestyle. I don't think it's got to do with that. I honestly think it's got to do with growth within myself. So I have definitely changed over the last 10 years. I've matured, not just in myself, but in the swingers lifestyle. I understand myself a little bit more. I'm more confident, but it's also Daryl and my journey within the swingers lifestyle as well. You know, historically we had to have this, this elusive four-way connection, right? I was going for 10 years ago. We were like, okay, the planets have to align, right? And we have to have this four-way connection or we're not going to be playing with that person. Oh, what's that? I just found and I'll see you next time. four-way connection, right? I was only for 10 years ago, we were like, okay, the planets have to align, right? We have to have this four-way connection or we're not going to be playing with that person. Oh, what's that? I just found out that you don't like that particular brand of ice cream. Well, get out of here because we're no longer going to fuck. Whereas now we don't feel that way. So our story kind of evolved. You know, we had to have this four-way connection and had to be perfect. And then it evolved into quite frankly, taking one for the team. Because as we've said in a past episode, there, I honestly don't think, I think it's extremely rare, very, very rare to have a legitimate four-way connection. I think there is always going to be someone who desires someone more or someone who has some sort of better connection with someone more within the four-way. I just don't necessarily think that it is reasonable to assume that we can find a true four-way connection or it is very very rare and I'll give you personal experience with that as well we play with play with a couple in the past and Daryl recently said to me that he thinks that he's their favorite she's always laughing with him he's always laughing with him less touching you know if they come up to us in a group, they both touch Daryl first before they touch me. She runs up to him versus me, et cetera, et cetera. In that relationship, I would have to agree. I'm less desirable to them than Daryl is both on a personal friendship level and within the bedroom. So in that aspect, I would also agree we don't have a four-way connection. They have a preference for Daryl., that doesn't mean they don't like me, but I'm certainly not going to be the person that, like I said, that they're running to, to go and hug and say hello to first. And this is not behavior where it's coming from a jealous perspective from me. It's behavior I've witnessed time and time and time again. So that kind of comes down to my whole taking one for the team. I just think that it is inevitable because finding this four- way connection is extremely difficult. And now where we are today is it's fun on the night, having a great time or going to have a little bit of fun. And we didn't necessarily need to have this groundbreaking four way connection where I need to know exactly what you do for work, what your political stances are, whether you like puppies or kittens, you know, how you feel about lasagna. I don't need to know any of those things because I'm more in the moment and it's just fun on the night. That doesn't mean also that I want to date you after. It doesn't mean that I want to spend more time with you. It just means that I'm taking it as face value for what it is for that particular time and that club on that night. And jumping in is something that Ranger Girl said in the forums. Ranger Girl said, we are DTF, but we don't pounce on anyone. We don't want to waste our time with dinners beforehand anymore. We love to have a sexy chat thread beforehand and then go and play. Emphasizing again that you don't, a DTF person doesn't necessarily not have boundaries. It doesn't necessarily mean that they have no standards. It just means that they might want to get to the point quicker than somebody else. So maybe this is less about the taboo DTF having standards and more about the length of time it takes you as an individual to get comfortable enough to have sex with another person. DTF are selective couples. So if you're not super DTF, but you're interested in having a good time, this is where you might want to talk about things that are like vibe checks, chemistry, these sorts of things. DTF but selective. One way to think about this is that you actually might have a preference for being DTF, but it can be situational or again, DTF, but selective. You might only ever entertain being DTF in certain environments or not. If you go to like a five-day resort, for an example, or a seven-day resort event, you may not necessarily want to rush into things on the first night. That still might classify you though as being down to fuck. In other words, that I'm of the mindset today, if on this trip i'm down to have sex with them so i'm curious what you think about how environments shape the dtf vibes and i'm going to spend the time reading this response i had from j and j because and i actually did ask them if i can share this they gave me approval because i thought this actually summed up mine and daryl's experience and i thought it summed up DTF so well at the bottom they do mention for context we've been in the lifestyle for around three years and that's extremely important because of what I just said earlier about maybe Daryl and my journey and how that's changed we vary from a deep four-way connection required to DTF depending on where we are and what type of event we're at by the way I did actually scope out their profile afterwards and they are very attractive. So hi, J&J, hit me up, wink, wink. If we're meeting a couple for drinks or dinner that we connected with on a site, like a dating site, for example, we're looking for some type of connection before just the physical. Why? Because we're probably looking for someone we can see again and be friends with on a semi-reoccurring basis. So again, this is kind of the pants on on pants off approach that we've mentioned in the past and that certainly daryl and i do enjoy are we at a club or a house party we're much more dtf in those venues why time and likelihood of meeting again sidebar i cannot stress the importance of that i remember when we first went to desire like the first ever time back in 2016 and we met a couple and we were like vibing and dancing and flirting and touching and kissing an amazing night and the next day at breakfast we were like hi like are you guys keen let's go play and they were literally with their bags on the way to the airport because we were stupid enough not to two things we didn't ask them when they were leaving that was a total rookie error but the second thing was that we didn't just play on the night when the vibes are. It's not to say they wouldn't have turned us down, but you never know. But I digress. The time is compressed. And so we may find a couple or couples we're attracted to and happily bang them knowing that we don't have a ton in common outside of sex. It's fun, but it's just physical. And that's okay too. Some place like desire is an in-between for us where the timeline is still compressed. we're compared to the ability to see a local couple multiple times over weeks or months. And we may or may not ever see this couple again that we've met at Desire. But we're also not dealing with the event ending in four to five hours from now, like a club. In short, when we're dating, we're looking for attractive couples that we may end up seeing again. When we're DTFing, we're okay with purely a physical connection. We've had some that have turned into long-term friendships with and repeat meetups by chance. And we've had others where we barely got and promptly forgot their first names before the first orgasm started rolling through. And that was cool too, because it was hot, it was fun, and it was a one and done deal. That was from J&J. That summed it up for me so perfectly for the way that Daryl and I approach our lifestyle journey. I having a conversation with bedhoppers recently I think we may or may not have done an episode about this but it was about Mrs H and being quote-unquote picky in a lifestyle and my advice to Mrs H was that I think there needs to be a difference of and a shift of your approach based on whether you're looking for long-term pants-on-pants or friends or whether you go to an island or cup dog or desire or wherever or a party where that timeline is compressed and you just got to take it for face value and decide i'm just going to have a really fun time tonight now let's talk about being a better swinger yes i know that title is uh clickbait for a reason what is the podcast version of clickbait earbait i don't know red flags green flags pitfalls i want to about some of these. So red flags for DTF couples, and again, it's purely based off of my own opinions because you're listening to me. Neglecting communication and boundaries is a red flag. If a couple jumps into a DTF situation without clearly discussing each other's limits, desires, and comfort zones, that can quickly lead to misunderstanding or really uncomfortable situations. So DTF doesn't necessarily mean ignoring boundaries. And the second red flag for me is prioritizing quantity over quality. When DTF becomes solely about collecting experiences or like bed notching, for example, it can definitely lead to burnout or a lack of genuine enjoyment. And we've seen this. I mean, the more events you go to for us, it kind of starts to feel a little bit samesy, a little bit stale. We don't get as excited as we were 10 years ago when we're going to an event. So I can see how this would happen. So if DTF experiences start to feel transactional rather than fulfilling, it might be time to reconsider the approach. Now green flags. So if you're wondering whether or not being a DTF couple might work for you, here's my green flags. One is strong communication and trust. Couples who are openly discussing what DTF means for them and checking in with each other before, during and after play and maintaining those boundaries often thrive. Because if you and your partner are great at communicating, DTF could be a fun, low pressure way for you guys to explore. Because at the end of the day, it's a one and done as J&J said earlier. So perhaps there's less emotions involved outside of the physical emotions, but there's less emotions involved with that potentially turning into a pants-on-pants-off friendship. And the other thing is high compatibility in chemistry. Some couples find that being a DTF couple naturally fits with them because they share similar drives, enjoy spontaneity, and I'll come back to that, and connect through shared experiences. If you're wired this way, it can definitely strengthen your bond with your primary partner and create some really exciting memories. Going back to spontaneity, spontaneity is big for us. Don't get me wrong. I do love setting up a, hey, let's go fuck in the afternoon and go to dinner play date. I love that. I've told people that before, but I also do love the energy, the excitement and the spontaneity side of this as well, particularly as we've been in it now for 10 years. Sometimes when you set up that date and then it's going to be in a week or two weeks or three weeks whatever but the time you get to the third week and it's the date day it's kind of almost feeling like you're going to work at that point right you're getting ready and everything else like it for me it takes a lot of energy to be excited about that date probably gonna be excited when i'm there and i'm probably gonna have a good time but it kind of it takes away from it starts to think okay well i've got to shave my big toe today because, you know, we've got that date with that couple and we're going to go over to their house and we're going to have sex. Whereas if I'm in a club and I see somebody and it's electric and it's fun and sexy and thrilling and unknown and I feel like a dirty little whore, that spontaneity is going to be driving some of that excitement for me. So I do definitely want that. So, I mean, at the end of the day, I want you to reconsider what being a DTF couple means, what you think it means, whether or not you approach it and you, you know, maybe question other people's standards. Have a think about it. Really think about why it is you might have a problem with it. But think about whether or not being a DTF couple and that approach might work for you because there's no one size fits all to experience a lifestyle. Figure out what's right for you and whether you might be DTF situational, as we've said. And there was a really good post by somebody as well, Sexy69, and they said, to be fair, we all have standards, but they are not standardized. And I absolutely loved that because at the end of the day, the lifestyle is about you and your primary partner, if you have one, exploring, having fun and making memories together and that's it full stop that's it and lastly I want to talk about common pitfalls for DTF couples and how you might avoid them one assuming everybody else is on the same page they're not so if you're at an event and you are a DTF couple and you're flirting with that couple and everything else I do highly recommend it to pretty quickly share your approach because some of those connections can lead to immediate connections and then being more of a DTF couple, or they can really lead to some awkward encounters, mismatched energy, and you feeling like at the end of the day, you might have wasted your time by spending time with that couple who doesn't approach it the same way you do. So a way that you might fix that is we're looking for a fun spontaneous connection tonight. No pressure, just in the moment. Curious if you guys feel the same way. That's a great way to ask that. Another pitfall is overlooking compatibility and vibe checking. So sometimes if you move too quickly without confirming the basic attraction or compatibility, it can lead to completely underwhelming experiences. And this is a lesson learned from us actually. were with a couple one time and we we played DTF and I didn't really clarify too much how they approached it we knew they were DTF as well but I didn't realize that it was only she that's DTF and not him so it ended up being him and I sat on the bed watching Daryl fuck her and that was really not what I was signing up for so you need to confirm those basic compatibility sides of it and this can be like, maybe someone's really heavy into BDSM and you're not. Maybe someone really likes squirting and you don't. You know, it can be some of those like little tiny vibe checks in the lifestyle that you might want to talk about even with another DTF couple. And a way that you can solve this is we love people who are blah. How about you? And the last one is neglecting boundaries and communications, which kind of goes onto what I was just saying. Jumping straight into play without discussing your boundaries or your preferences can lead to very uncomfortable, very uncomfortable situations for you or for the other parties. So making a habit of quickly covering those boundaries and it might be something like, yeah, we're excited to play. This is what we're after tonight. What's your vibe, or something like that, is a super easy way to ask that. So the biggest way to clarify this is to define your DTF style, set your expectations for time, maybe you can say to them, we don't need a long lead up, we're ready to see where it goes tonight. That could be a really easy way of clarifying the expectations on time. And lastly is to use direct yet positive language, right? So being direct doesn't necessarily mean to be an uncomfortable tone and it's certainly going to avoid any misunderstandings and it's going to avoid both couples feeling unhappy about it. One couple might feel the DTF couple in this aspect might feel that they've wasted their evening and the other couple might feel that uncomfortable because they've had to reject somebody. So those are some of the ways that you can avoid some common pitfalls. Anyway, my question to you is how do you feel about being a DTF couple if you are one? How do you feel about other couples that aren't DTF couples if you are one? Or if you don't consider yourself to be a DTF couple, do you think there's a taboo about it? Have I changed your mind at all about what a DTF couple actually is? And could you yourself on your journey consider being a DTF couple and taking the fun and excitement as it's intended on that particular night or time or event, et cetera. So that's been me guys. I'm sorry it was a solo episode. Daryl is away. And I just really wanted to talk about being DTF and what that means to me and our journey and what other people in swingers lifestyle thought about being DTF as well. So you have listened to my dulcet tones now for hopefully less than 30 minutes and I hope I didn't turn you off and I do hope to see you next time so until next time stay flirty stay fun stay safe and I'll see you guys on the next episode of Wanderlust Swingers bye or should I say au revoir because yes as I mentioned
Speaker2:
I'm going to Quebec I speak French I'm going to Quebec. I speak French. I'm fucked.
