Want to send us a message? Swinging can be defined as non-monogamy, specifically ethical or consensual non-monogamy. We define all types of non-monogamy and explore the mental hurdles and judgements in the swinging lifestyle due to this label. In addition, we will cover four things you can practice to be successful as a swinger couple in the lifestyle.What is Non-Monogamy?Forms of Non-MonogamyUpside/DownsideMental Hurdles/JudgementsFour Critical Things You Need To Know Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
We have to talk about something we've been genuinely excited about for months, and our patrons actually got a preview of this already. Jamaica! Yes, we are going back, and actually, we have a great offer for you guys. Yeah, it's Swingcation. It's October 11th through the 18th at Hedonism 2. And if you don't know what Swingcation is, it's pretty easy. Swinger plus kink plus vacation. It's a hosted group with real structure, workshops, lectures, real conversations with experts who are passionate about bringing and bridging that gap between the swinger world and the kink world.
And we're not just going as attendees. we're going as featured presenters, which is exciting. We'll be leading sessions. So if you come, we actually get to hang out with you. Which brings up something we should mention. When you use our code, yes, we got a code, you're not just getting a discount, you're getting the signature swing experience, which means $100 off per person, up to $200 per room, but it also means that we make time for you. An exclusive breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, or one-hour and one time with us directly, plus more surprise benefits.
Here's something that's really unique. You could actually contribute by hosting a discussion or running a Skillshare. I know it's scary, but if you have something that you want to contribute, that's a big part of why this event is so special. Everyone there has something to bring to the table. All right, details. If you book before April 25th, you save $400. Plus, they gave us that special code that gets you an additional $200, and the special code is SWINGERU-VIP. So book through TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinkie. That's T-I-C-K-E-T, the number four, play.com forward slash S-W-I-N-K-Y.
And use our code at checkout. And you guys, if you have any questions about the event, the resort, or what to expect, just reach out. I mean, we're here for you. We're happy to help. So once again, ticketforplay.com forward slash Swinky, the code SwingerU-VIP. We really want to see you there. Welcome to Swinger University, your horizontal enrichment program, bringing you an educational podcast about swinging. Here are your hosts, Ed and Phoebe. Welcome back to Swinger University. I'm Ed. And this is Phoebe. Today we're going to talk about consensual or ethical non-monogamy.
How do you define consensual or ethical non-monogamy? We cover different types and dive into the upside and downside of the swingers' non-monogamy. We'll start off by our definition of non-monogamy. It is an umbrella term, actually, for a practice or philosophy of a non-diadic, intimate relationship. It can be sexual, emotional, or both. It does have a negative connotation in the following way, which is why some people put the word consensual or ethical in front of non-monogamy. The negative connotation comes from the acceptance that monogamy is the norm.
It's moral and it's therefore incorrect, wrong, or immoral to be non-monogamous. Right. The other connotation with that is being in a monogamous relationship, but stepping outside the bounds of your relationship without the consent of your partner. So that's where the consensual non-monogamy comes in, but also ethical because you guys are both participating willingly.
Right so let's bust into some of the forms of non-monogamy I didn't know about some of these we're aware of a couple because we're in the lifestyle but Phoebe did some research all right we'll start with a basic one casual relationship two unmarried people emotional and or sexual with each other it's casual it's casual they may have one or more hello swipe next oh I have Twitter on the brain the other other T, Tinder. That's it. I've been tweeting all day, so. You've got your group marriage. Several people are considered to be married to one another.
And under group marriage are two different definitions you've got your line families which is a group marriage intended to outlive its members by adding more spouses and then you have poly families which is similar to group but not all partners considered themselves married to all members. That I didn't know. Hmm.
Yeah, so it's not legal at least in the united states to be legally wed to multiple people right the polygamy aspect but there are plenty of people who basically have long-term emotional commitments and basically their life partners with multiple people but it sounds like there's a hierarchy in there where you've got those individuals who are actually married to one another and then those individuals that don't consider themselves married. Right. Well, actually, it says married to all members. Yeah, I kind of get that. That makes sense. You're married to the primary.
You're dedicated to the primary. Right. You're not dedicated to all. Right. Yeah. All right. That makes sense. One of my favorites, group sex or orgies. So we've got two or more. Emphasis on the more. Yep. And the next one is also your favorite. I do like this one. Ménage à trois. A sexual arrangement between three people can be domestic. Then you have your open relationship slash marriage where one or both members is committed in a relationship and they express freedom to be sexually active with others.
and under that comes swinging which is similar to the open relationships but typically it's an organized social activity with some form of group sex however i will say in a social setting there typically is group sex involved or somewhere on the premises. But a lot of the community will get together and they'll partner off as a threesome or a foursome or, you know, I guess what's considered group sex, two or more? Well, there you go. Well, yeah, three, three, probably three people or more.
But yeah, the interesting thing is that an open relationship is usually kind of loosely defined where the partners don't usually play together. You know, they're kind of off on their own and they can kind of do whatever they want. In other words, like the door is open to just go. Right. And do their thing. They date separately. They've got... Dates. Yeah. They travel with other partners. Right. Versus swinging, at least for most of the people that we know and ourselves, we practice together. So it's all for one and one for all, all at the same time. Yep. We like to watch.
Then you have polygamy. One person in relationship has multiple partners. And then you have polyandry, where the woman has multiple husbands. Polygyny, where the man has multiple wives. A plural marriage, which is a form of polygyny associated with Latter-day movement and your last well it's not under polygamy but there's a last definition called relationship anarchy no one is bound by set rules open season everything's just anything on the table which is kind of like no boundaries open to me. So I don't know. Yeah, I get the impression. This is just free love.
Like there's not even established hierarchy or relationships. It's just like a commune free for all. Oh, hmm. Yeah. That could have its pluses and minuses. Exactly. So some of the upsides are this allows freedom of exploration while in a relationship. It improves communication, love, and commitment.
It stretches your personal growth through self- through self awareness and it will magnify anything that isn't working or needs to be addressed in your relationship so this can be a plus and a minus and this upside is i'm talking about is the ethical or consensual non-monogamy so obviously the downside is going to be you know Thank you.
about is the ethical or consensual non-monogamy so obviously the downside is going to be you know anything that isn't working in your relationship will be magnified and we've seen you know in several relationships uh in the community where it can be kind of a commitment avoidance, escape from reality. It tends to breed insecurity, jealousy, martyrdom, if you're sacrificing yourself to meet the needs of the other. And, you know, historically, the swinger community, they're only in it for about 18 months, and then they get out. So we've seen a lot of couples start and stop. Yeah.
We've been in it long enough to see several generations, if you will, of couples come through. Yeah. And there are some that have been there as long as we have, and they're still there. I know. It's kind of fun. It's lovely. Some good friends of ours. Mental hurdles and judgments. Well, whether you come out or not, you may find yourself having these thoughts. You're being taken advantage of.
We've heard this as an observation of other couples looks like she's in it because he's making her or he's kind of getting dragged along that kind of a thing don't you get jealous all the time this is a common thing that we've heard and the answer is not usually but sometimes it happens now if you are a jealous person you get jealous all the time swinging's probably not for you right that's not gonna work out well STDs or STIs we just did a whole episode on sex Right. That's not going to work out well. STDs or STIs. We just did a whole episode on sexually transmitted diseases.
Yeah, it's a risk. But if you practice safe sex and you're using condoms and you're testing yourself frequently, you can reduce your risk. This is a good one. What if your partner leaves you? It happens sometimes. It does happen. now if we go back to one of our earlier examples, this escape, this feeling of not committed, that's probably a sign that the relationship's having some issues to begin with.
So, if your partner leaves you over something like swinging, it's probably not the swinging right it's just kind of accelerated okay can we talk about october for a second oh my god yeah i've been waiting for this we were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six-star crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples. And it sails from Montreal to Boston during the peak foliage season. I'm super excited. And honestly, I'm really nervous. Yeah, it's kind of a version of like a swinger TED talk that we're going to have to do. Oh my God, I know.
And more importantly, if you know the brand, it's LLV, Luxury Lifestyle Vacations. You may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats. This ship, the Crystal Symphony, is classy. Butler service for every single room, Michelin rated restaurants, full spa, clothing optional, sensual playrooms, like everything, theme nights and international DJ. So it's luxury and nudity? Oh man, this is going to be great. The bottom line is we want you there with us. It's 310 couples. And like all their vacations, they book up fast. They really do. Their vacations are extremely popular.
So please come with us.
And in order to find it, all you have to do is go to our swingerlinks.com and look for the llv sensual voyage we hope you'll join us yeah oh i'm not even sure why we're covering this but there we go what will god think well i mean these are some of the questions that you may go you know may have in your head you know what if someone asked me this question you know and and there's a fair share of swingers out there that are religious they they still go to church and they may be conflicted with this we've heard podcasts where some of our swinger community is conflicted absolutely and this is definitely something that you'll have to process in your own head and deal with with your partner or maybe you were brought up in a particular religious organization and those set of roles and constructs are resurfacing i mean maybe you don't practice today when you're starting off swinging but you might be surprised that those patterns, behaviors, thoughts, things of that nature will creep up when you embark on this adventure.
It does happen. Yeah. This is a good one. Isn't this just a way of sugarcoating cheating? Well, that's where the consent comes in and that's where the ethical component comes in on this. Everybody's in this and on the same page. So typically cheating on your spouse has to do with going behind their back and lying to them about what's going on. They don't know you're doing it in secret. You're doing it on the side. And that's, that's not consent. Yes.
And this sugarcoating thing, I mean, I could just hear, I mean, I could just hear some of my girlfriends say that if I were to come out, they may not believe me.
There are certain people that you feel safe coming out to and certain people that you're like, oh, hell no, there's no way that would just wreck the friendship right so especially those friends who are having issues with their current partners and going through those challenging life experiences that we often go through in relationships yeah yeah all right so four critical things needed to be successful in ethical consensual non-monogamy. You want to have your informed consent and honesty. Your partner must know you're seeing other people. I mean, that's the whole point. Right. Consent. Hello.
You can't consent to something if you don't know it's going on. Right. If you both aren't on the same page about it and are okay with it, it's not going to work out well. And your boundaries and limitations must be agreed on. Sometimes they can be broken in the heat of the moment.
But that's where number two comes in in which we're going to talk about in a second do you want to elaborate on like what type of scenario could occur where your boundary or limitation might be broken well we had that happen pretty early on when we got into the lifestyle where we went into the party with a set rule where we knew exactly what was going to happen. We had it all planned out. Everything was going to be like this. Ten minutes into it, we're all hot, rolling around.
And we look at each at each other we're like do you want to do something more and both of us nod vigorously and say yes yeah so it's more of boundary pushing or you're comfortable in the moment and it right assumed that you weren't going to be comfortable when you went into it right it's like going to the roller skating rink you know you're terrified you're like all right i'm just gonna step out onto the rink i'm gonna take a few steps and then i'm off right and you're like wow that was really fun i think i'll go halfway around the circle you go halfway and you're like oh my god this is amazing and then you decide to go around the whole circle but the whole time you're doing this with your partner and you're agreeing to the next level in the moment right now it can be beneficial it can also be detrimental because hormones are racing adrenaline etc etc you're like yeah and then you get the next day and you're like what did i do you know it felt good in the moment but i'm i'm a little not okay with that today and that's where the communication comes in which is number two regrouping if a boundary is crossed you know it's not malicious so the next day you have this regroup session you're, you know, it's not malicious.
So the next day, you have this regroup session, you're like, you know, it was great last night. I had such a good time, but today I'm feeling a little funny about it. And you may not know why. You may not know how to articulate it in that moment. You may need another 24 hours to kind of sit with it.
and then that day or the following day you might be able to articulate what it was that was a little off to you maybe you didn't get enough attention maybe there's a little bit of envy going on and you talk that stuff through with your partner and then you move on so you're going to be obviously hopefully confident and comfortable saying what you need to say about that situation. And you work towards a mutually beneficial understanding that suits you both. One of you may be more comfortable or confident or flirty than the other.
but negotiating through this and expressing your desires and your fears and supporting with another is essential. Absolutely. And when we've had experiences where we've had to process it afterwards, it's just listening. It's understanding what happened in the moment or a way to approach it the next time to make your partner more comfortable awareness this is also essential to this process it's it's not a journey for those who are blind and unwilling to grow and change and analyze their thought processes and their being. I mean, if you're the classic, what do they say, an old dog can't change?
Learn new tricks. That's it. Then, yeah, there's no way you could be in this i mean i suppose there could be but it's gonna be a bumpy ride yeah it's it's challenging it's a whole i mean think about it you're challenging any kind of thought process and structure laid out by your religious upbringing, right? Right. Social constructs, community rules and guidelines. Yes. Yes. You can't share it with anyone, so you have this huge secret. Right. So, I mean, not to mention family. You got to keep it from them. I mean, it's, you know. Most people don't understand it.
And so trying to explain it to them, if they'll even let you explain, and not just immediately freak out, yeah, it's challenging. It it can be a lot and then the last part is just letting go how we knew early on that we consciously chose to be with one another every day in fact it was in our wedding vows and it keeps us on our toes all the time yeah we still date and dress up for one another maybe not so much night now during covid i try to get out of my robe by 10 yeah oh my gosh a little too many pajamas for both of us I know. I'm in my pajamas by 10. Yeah. Oh my gosh.
A little too many pajamas for both of us. I know. I'm in my pajamas right now, but you know, it is kind of late. I know. Yeah. But while we know deep down that Ed and I are partners for life, we also appreciate each other daily. We don't control one another, but we want the best for each other. And this is the part of the journey that gets really interesting. Seeing your partner expressing joy and pleasure with another can be extremely sexy.
if you can get there it's it's very sexy i'm not saying it's easy for some people it's like breathing air for me it took me about six years to get there but it didn't just you know dissuade or distract me from from the enjoyment that i was getting there was a lot of other factors that were pleasurable and you know wonderful yeah we had some but i really fun times i wouldn't say that was my primary mode for doing it a lot of people say oh yeah that's that's like their first thing and i'm like no that is not my first thing but but um now yeah it's actually it's pretty damn sexy Like they say, consent is sexy It is, it's actually pretty damn sexy.
Like they say, consent is sexy. It is. It's pretty hot. Anything else you want to add, Mr. Ed Wilbur? Wilbur. No? Yeah, it's been fun.
We've,'ve um we've definitely challenged monogamy for the last six years and we've seen a lot of people struggle with it so it's a growth opportunity it's an experience it's an adventure but you've got to go into it together and like we said those those four guidelines are really key to making it through this yeah so if you're interested in trying this adventure I thought you were just going to solicit our listeners so if you're interested in trying this adventure, I thought you were just going to solicit our listeners, so if you're interested in this, just drop us a line. That too.
Feel free to contact us through swingeruniversity.com. Yes. Leave us some feedback. Messages. Yes. We'd love to hear some stories.
We've actually some some great stories from some of our listeners oh yeah check out our web page we posted a bunch of listener email of course we keep everything 100 super anonymous yes confidential and we've got a lot of great feedback too that we posted up there so yeah feel free to peruse drop us a line rate us on itunes all that good stuff yeah all right well everyone have a safe and healthy i don't know 2020 if you ever get back out of your house that's right and one day we'll all be able to practice consensual non-monogamy that's not virtual that's not virtual but in the meantime you can catch up on all of the swinger university podcasts and learn some new tricks in the comfort of your own home absolutely so enjoy and stay safe good night before you turn off our podcast to take care of all the vanilla things pulling you away please reach out and give us a review i am the first to admit that it's much easier to give a five-star rating, which we appreciate, but if you could take 43 seconds to type a review, we would love it.
If you want to share a personal story, ask us questions, or share your comments, you can contact us at swingeruniversity at gmail.com. Check us out at swingeruniversity.com where you can find links to our Twitter and Instagram feeds. Thank you so much for listening to Swinger University, your horizontal enrichment podcast. Oh, one last thing before you go. If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review. It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education.
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