Want to send us a message? Have you ever been playing with a new sexual partner and the condom slips off? How was it communicated to you? What was your reaction? Can you come back from this?Instead of brushing it off as no big deal, we are going to reveal my process and outline it in our blog so it may help you address a similar situation or any situation that involves consent and violations of consent. We are proof that you can preserve the relationship and friendship if you so desire.OUTLINE: What do you do when the condom slips off during play? Brush it off? Address it? Ghost the person?Who is at fault?User?Recipient?How does it happen?Dark roomSex positionOur story: Type of friendshipLength of friendshipThe situationLack of disclosureHow to have the conversation:Tell them what happened ahead of timeDon t blindside themExpress you aren t ready to talk about itSet a dateGives them time to process also Use the Consent Academy Process when Consent is Broken Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
We have to talk about something we've been genuinely excited about for months, and our patrons actually got a preview of this already. Jamaica! Yes, we are going back, and actually, we have a great offer for you guys. Yeah, it's Swingcation. It's October 11th through the 18th at Hedonism 2. And if you don't know what Swingcation is, it's pretty easy. Swinger plus kink plus vacation. It's a hosted group with real structure, workshops, lectures, real conversations with experts who are passionate about bringing and bridging that gap between the swinger world and the kink world.
And we're not just going as attendees. We're going as featured presenters, which is exciting. We'll be leading sessions. So if you come, we actually get to hang out with you. Which brings up something we should mention. When you use our code, yes, we got a code, you're not just getting a discount. You're getting the signature swing experience, which means $100 off per person, up to $200 per room, but it also means that we make time for you. An exclusive breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, or one-hour and one time with us directly, plus more surprise benefits.
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Have you ever been playing with a new sexual partner and the condom slipped off? How was it communicated to you? you what was your reaction can you come back from this instead of brushing it off as no big deal we're going to reveal my process and outline it in our blog so it may help you address a similar situation or any situation that involves consent and violations of consent we're a proof that you can preserve the friendship and relationship if you so desire. Follow us on YouTube, TikTok, and our social media. You can find all our links on swingeruniversity.com.
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As a member, you'll have access to exclusive content that's even hotter than what we share on the podcast so come join our naughty community we promise you won't regret it so you're having sex assuming that's why you have a condom on and it comes off yeah it's happened to us um i've had condoms several times break Thank you.
and it comes off yeah it's happened to us um i've had condoms several times break on me before yes and um it's a little alarming oh yeah you you gotta like regroup for a second figure out what's going on yeah you don't know what your partner's going to say or how they're going to react right you're obviously probably nervous and you're stopping play from pretty much everyone in the room so yeah it's a little disconcerting but it doesn't have to be no and and honestly our our situations have not been like that. They've been pretty easy, pretty easygoing.
Yeah, and I think most of how it turns out is how you approach it. So depending on how you deal with it, the outcome can be better or worse. We are going to go into how to address it but how did you for me when it happened to me but for you when the condom broke right how did you address it what did you say well as soon as i realized what had happened i i pulled out and informed my partner that the condom had broken and checked in, make sure that they were okay, and asked her if she wanted to continue. And she was still very interested in continuing. And I said, great, I'll get another condom.
New condom, went back at it. Easy peasy. Easy peasy. But I obviously disclosed that it had happened so that she could make an informed decision about what her next steps were and what she wanted to do. Right, and that's the key, right?
Because if you haven't had the STI talk ahead of time before you're playing with your partner, now would be an opportunity to do so if they chose to right so informing them of that situation gives them the opportunity to continue or not and and how to proceed next yeah so um ghosting the the not telling the person and then ghosting them afterwards right you're at somebody's house it comes off and you don't tell them and you ghost them. That's probably not the best way to handle it. Yeah, yeah.
Now, we've had a situation with a partner who lost the condom, we suspect took it off in mid-play and didn inform us and we have ghosted them because we have zero interest in playing with someone who would be doing something like that right and we've heard several accounts i've heard several accounts from several other women two other women that that had happened that had happened to them too and they suspected that that it wasn't an accident and so then when it happened to me i i was like oh you know i've heard this twice before already three times charm we're just gonna we're good we're just gonna move on from that guy yeah going to move on.
So, who's at fault in these situations, right? I mean, is there any one person at fault for a condom slipping off or breaking? No, it really, it's an accident. Typically, except for Yahoo. Yahoo, who slipped it off right right but condoms slip off condoms uh everybody remembers sex ed in grade school and mine was in grade school the effectiveness of condoms is about 98 percent well that that's because sometimes they fail. Sometimes they come off. So, and or they have holes in them or they leak. More likely than not, it's a catastrophic failure or it just falls off.
Like that's where most of the failures are going to be. And I've had condoms start to to slip off i'm not quite as erect as when i started and part way through i noticed things are getting a little extra slippery and so that's when that's my cue to to stop for a little while right and pull out do something different and put on a new put on a new condom at some point sometimes people play with oils and that can degrade the condom and that loses its integrity does it get kind of uh gets sloppy yeah um the rubber actually starts to get floppy and stretched out.
It looks like it's been like a when a balloon deflates yeah and it's kind of out of shape yep it looks like that ew weird yeah so you can start to tell that things are going bad i've had the same thing happen with rubber gloves and working with chemicals and it degrades the rubber and it starts to get really loose and it starts to floppy right uh what about you know the recipient are they at fault should they be checking should they be have better lights on in the room should they be should you be checking for me yeah i mean i think a little bit of checking is healthy periodically.
I think if this is a new partner that you've maybe never had sex with before, it's probably good to check them before they enter you. Right. Just to be cautious. Especially if you're in doggy. Or even missionary. You can't necessarily see what's going on down below. So it doesn't hurt. And ladies, no guy's going to be offended if you reach down and kind of help him to get inside. So that's actually a really sneaky way for you to check to see if there's a condom.
I think it's, I don't think it's the responsibility of a woman to make sure that their partner has a condom, but I think it's reasonable for them to be cautious, maybe a tiny bit paranoid if it's a new partner, just double check you know trust but verify i think the recipient should be responsible especially in a in a group play situation when where there's a lot going on so if i'm kissing another woman and my partner wants to come enter me but i'm occupied I don't know.
I don enter me, but I'm occupied, I don't really want to stop making out with another woman to check to see if he has a condom. But in a sense, I am responsible for checking. I can't, it's nice to trust that that person, you know, will do that. And of course, if it's a new partner, definitely. But if now I was going to say, if it's an ongoing partner, then you shouldn't have to use that same type of protocol. Although I have had a good friend say they've had some long-term partners that have tried to sneak it off and sneak it in. So, you know, I guess whatever's...
Yeah, and I feel uncomfortable saying that it's a woman's fault for not checking, right? Like, that's almost victim blaming, which is why I was hesitant to kind of go that direction. I wouldn't say fault, but I would say there's some responsibility for making sure someone has put one on. In the traditional sense that it takes two to tango, right? Right. You, your sex partners. So, yeah, I think it makes sense that you double check that your partner's being responsible.
Sometimes they get all caught up in the moment and they're very anxious to be with you that they don't necessarily they forget sometimes yeah um not great but that's also why both people need to double check and make sure that everything's going on the right way right so we've already talked about distractions in the room the room could be dark in which they frequently are the lights are low right and there's that sex position that we also were talking about right even missionary doggy missionary whatever position as women we really don't have eyeballs down there you guys get to see all the good stuff right we don't get to see any of that no unless i'm behind you while you're fucking somebody else or there's a camera oh oh yeah that's true too and a big screen tv being broadcast too which is the living room which is so much fun we haven't done that in a while really long while there's no time like the present Oh, my goodness.
All right. We're going to describe what happened my story and then we're going to launch into how we had the conversation and the technique we used and this was really a great technique that i got from the consent Academy and I'm going to share it with you, and I'm going to put it in a blog so that you have it in case you want to use this. So, here's the story. Long-term friendship, several years. Yes.
seen them at multiple parties love them dearly and had a great rapport we just never got down with them mostly because I think we thought they were new and we were respecting their boundaries and they were new but we didn't know they were shy well I thought they were more shy than they maybe really are i thought they came off more shy but what we learned was basically they didn't know how to pull the trigger right it's the closing the deal that transition thing which is so hard for so many couples right and we were being uber respectful of their newness and not being pushy we didn't transition well either no so so we had this constant miss we had some great you know dinners and late evening conversations but it could have been so much better it could have been so much better.
It could have been. So, we, the night happens, right? We have them over. We've got snacks. And we had some dinner planned. And we had some drinks. And the missus and I did a lingerie change. And basically, once that happened.
it went from lingerie to naked in like five minutes right so her and I come down the hall we're standing in the front entryway which opens out to the living area where you and the mister was and you guys come running over to us at the entryway so we didn't even get out into the living space no and then fondling and kissing happened and then all of a sudden we're back to the bedroom right so the the best and worst part about lingerie is it will totally kick the party off but that also means you're probably only wearing it for about four seconds yes it looks great for five seconds yep but you know it served its purpose it kicked off the party yes so we're playing we're playing and we're having a really good time you're at the on one end of the bed i'm on the side of the bed i think we're in this l shape on the bed and we were having a really good time yeah we tried all kinds of different stuff different toys lots of fun different toys yeah different positions and fun laughing good conversation and just getting down to it, right?
Right. And so we wrap it up at one point because we're getting thirsty. And I think the mystery was hungry. We hadn't had dinner. Oh, that's right. We hadn't had dinner. We hadn't had dinner. We had some snacks, and then we went straight to business because we were like, we're not messing this up this time. We're going to transition better than we've ever transitioned. Yeah. And so then we cooked dinner, we ate dinner, and we hung out for, I don't know, another hour or so. Yeah. And then they left. Yeah. It was a great evening. Yeah, we had a good time. It was really, really nice.
So, Ed and I are having sex the next morning. And I will tell you that not every time do Ed and I have reclaimed sex, as some people call it, or connective sex. Or what's the other term that people use? Yeah, reconnective sex. Reconnective or reclaimed. We don't always do that now after we've played with another couple. We used to always do that in the beginning. It was like essential, necessary, right? To re-get that bond back. But now we're like, eh, we're good. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. He's not going anywhere.
Like, we're like we're good i'm not going anywhere i'm not going anywhere he's not going anywhere like we're super comfortable we're doing it the next morning so this is that's important ed's fucking me i'm having a really good time all of a sudden you know i'm looking at his face i'm like oh he's having a great time. And then he stops and then he sticks his fingers in me and he's like doing this finger twirl. I go, I'm thinking, oh, wow, this is kind of nice. This must be a new technique that he learned the night before. Fun. He's practicing it on me. Ah, awesome.
So all of a sudden, there's a condom on his finger. Right. He's looking at his finger. I'm looking at his face. He looks at me. My heart drops. I'm speechless. I try to speak and I'm going I don't even know what to say. We're not even sure what happened or what. We're like connecting the dots. I'm trying to connect the dots. I'm trying to piece it together. I'm super shocked. And I'm thinking, what if I didn't, what if you didn't find that this morning? What if you didn't find it for three days? Right. I wouldn't have known it's in there.
I've lost a tampon in there before, and I didn't know it was in there. Yeah. Until bad things started to happen. So that could have been really bad for me. So I'm upset. I'm angry. And the whole euphoria of the night before you know the the feels from that amazing experience were gone yeah kind of went downhill with you know all that with the other couple so we sat around i don't know for like an hour trying to piece this together They're trying to figure it out. And then we're going in our mind like, oh, my God, you know, do we. How do we approach this? What do we say? What do we do?
What about STIs? I'm too angry to talk about it. I wasn't given a choice. What if I got something now? What if they lied about something? now ed's got it because i didn't have a choice an informed choice last night to abstain from sex with my partner because i knew about it last night all the things it was a bad day so i I decided I needed to wait, process these emotions. I knew it would probably take two or three days. And I wanted to see if they would say anything, come through with an apology. Right. Based on the assumption. They knew. That they knew. Right.
And I know everyone's going, oh my God, of course he knew. But he didn't and i can say that there have been times when for example the when the condom broke on me i didn't realize immediately that had broken. So you're going in for one stroke, two stroke, three stroke, and you're like, this is really smooth. This is, this is extra smooth. And then of course, you know, the, the other part of the brain kicks in at some point and says, huh, I wonder if there's something, something's wrong. But you don't always realize that at first, especially if you've been having a prolonged period of sex.
You're desensitized a little bit. It all starts to kind of numb a little bit. And you don't, don't always know right and so i could not step into the shoes of the man until day three i was very angry and i thought of course he knows of course he knows there's no way he wouldn't know. And then I stepped into Ed's and I thought about that and I asked him a question that you just answered because, do you feel anything different? Sometimes. So then I ask, how can you not feel the tight bandy that's like gripping your penis at the base? How can you not feel that pressure? And what is your answer?
Well, if you started to go a little soft, you don't have that tight bandy. And... It's always changing.
Like, it's not on and off it's degrees of hardness and it comes up and down throughout the evening right and the day and the night and all that too And in the morning, especially in the morning i wasn't aware of that i wasn't thinking of that i'm just thinking it's hard you know you're gonna feel the pressure you're gonna feel this rubber sensation because everyone complains about how it's horrible to have sex with a condom and I'm thinking it's gotta be obvious but you're telling me not really yeah all right so let's say this happens there's a condom slip and you've just been through this situation with another couple how do do you handle it?
How do you bring it up and have that conversation? Okay, can we talk about October for a second? Oh my God, yeah. I've been waiting for this. We were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six-star crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples. And it sails from Montreal to Boston during the peak foliage season. I'm super excited. And honestly, I'm really nervous.
Yeah, it's kind of a version of like a swinger ted talk that we're gonna have to do oh my god i know and more importantly if you know the brand it's llv luxury lifestyle vacations you may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats this ship the crystal symphony is classy butler service for every single room, Michelin rated restaurants, full spa, clothing optional, sensual playrooms, like everything, theme nights and international DJ. So it's luxury and nudity? Oh man, this is going to be great. The bottom line is we want you there with us. It's 3 and nudity.
Oh, man, this is going to be great. The bottom line is we want you there with us. It's 310 couples. And like all their vacations, they book up fast. They really do. Their vacations are extremely popular. So please come with us. And in order to find it, all you have to do is go to our swingerlinks.com and look for the LLV Sensual Voyage. We hope you'll join us. I didn't have any tools to do this until recently. And I'm going to share those with you in a second.
And now this now this ideally you would do if you're wanting to preserve the friendship and not just ghost them if it was it's an okay interaction you don't think you're ever going to see them again in the in the community or ever right it was a one thing sure you know maybe you don't maybe you don't want to reach out to them you just get your sti test and then you contact them later if something comes up right I'll see ahead of time what had happened in a text message because I didn't want to blindside them.
First, first i was going to blindside them um but i said that was not a good idea so i said hey i want to talk to you about something that happened the other night um let's set a set up a zoom call and they said fine and so then i told them what happened and they were really like freaked out and but honestly um embarrassed and and very um empathetic about the whole thing yes yes they were they were also very apologetic right and wanted to get into the details but i told them i i needed that extra day to continue processing right and so we set the date and i wanted to give them time to process that information as well because i'd already had a few days and so i thought it was only fair for them to to talk between each other they'd been at work and you know they needed to discuss it right so i used the consent academy process for when consent is broken and here before i get into that i always keep saying before i into that, the reason I used the consent model is because it was technically consent.
He consented to wear a condom and we consented to have safe sex. Consent was broken when the condom fell off. was it was it an accident yes but consent was still broken and there was still damage done so going through that process is is important and so I started off with I want to talk to you about something that occurred when we all played together, but I already told them that, right? Right. And I said, I'm presenting this in this way because I really do feel like the friendship can be repaired.
And I want to use the steps of consent to help me explain what occurred in the most neutral way that I can, I recognized that it was an accident and no one is no one is to blame so I stated the obvious that the condom slipped off and was lost inside me and that the agreement was that a condom would be worn and that the you know cond off. Therefore, that agreement and consent was broken. It was an accident, but the impact is still there. So I expressed my feelings. And then I expressed how it impacted me. The third thing I expressed was the unknown future impact it would have on me.
I expressed what I would like that was number four number five is what I need and number six is how to make amends right and in all of that my feelings were disappointment that the information wasn't disclosed to me right away or even days later but you know in hindsight they did not know until I told them I had feelings of sadness and some anger it removed all the excitement like we talked about from from that good experience that sexual interaction and I really did feel deeply disrespected and disappointed because I thought they knew. Right, right.
And they just chose not to tell me, but that wasn't the case, right?
It impacted me and my ability to make decisions about my physical health and what I chose to do with my body and how I chose to share my body with you so by delaying the knowledge that the condom was off i couldn't provide you with the choice of abstaining sex with me right in case i had an sti then you wouldn't get it therefore you wouldn't have to be on medicine or go to the doctor and all that nonsense right it comes with all that stuff right yeah it would just be with me we could have worked that out the delayed knowledge of the condom being in there and then not finding it i could have got a yeast infection or bacterial infection which would have been a trip to the doctor and the pharmacy and medicines and blah so the unknown future impact was infections the sti potential costs time off from work the the time for, I mean, my God, trying to get a telehealth visit or an in-doctor visit, going to the pharmacy and getting the medicine, all that stuff around STIs, it's a lot.
And then being on some medicines, you can't drink alcohol. Now that's impacted my quality of life because I can't have a drink because I'm on special meds. Right. can't have sex with you for several weeks this is all worst case scenario if I had an STI right future impact but I'm thinking down those roads because I don't really know now we covered that conversation before we played but I still want to cover that conversation again with them. So I do. And the next thing I ask for is an apology.
And I ask if there are any other STIs that I need to be aware of that they didn't disclose or feel comfortable disclosing before.
Like if you were kind of hiding it before, now I really need know it's not everybody's honest you you think they are and you you trust that people are but right and I really wanted our friendship to continue I also said that if we were to you know have another encounter again that I was no longer going to be in a doggy position because yeah condoms just have issue with you and doggy i tend to rip them off yeah yeah and i asked for multiple condom checks when you're inside me periodically reach down and check finding the right size condom if we don't have one then bring some of your own that are latex free right and if it slips off Thank you.
finding the right size condom if we don't have one then bring some of your own that are latex free right and if it slips off immediately disclose it to me even if you don't know if it came off if you think it might have talk about it because a little finger search just to double check is well worth it. Right. And we haven't gotten into his story, which we're going to get into right after I finish step four and five. Step four is how to make amends. And honestly, I wasn't really sure what that was. And I told him, I'm not sure how to make amends for this.
And then the last step was how to make amends and honestly i wasn't really sure what that was and i told him i'm not sure how to make amends for this and then the last step was how to prevent it better lighting right size condom frequent condom checks counting your condoms right which honestly can be tricky sometimes if you're in an orgy the room's's dark, you've had multiple sessions, right? Sometimes you lose track. Sometimes you lose track of your condoms. Have your partner pay attention for you or help you. And then, you know, there's a downside, of course, to all that.
And it takes away your focus of play if you're watching. If you're being safety checker. Right. Yeah.
so the summary of steps before we get into his side of the story is what occurred feelings the impact unknown future impact what i so everyone is dying to know like how did this possibly happen did he apologize yes no of course what was his story so as i had kind of suspected is you know condoms sometimes get sloppy and loose and when it had happened he looked down on the ground and there was a condom there and he had made the assumption that the condom that was on the ground was the condom that had come off and if anything it's a lesson in when you take a condom off don't throw it on the floor first because if it's somebody else's house party you might forget to clean it up And it's just respectful to clean up at a house party.
Not that that was an issue here because we were going to clean up afterwards. But secondarily, keeping it up off the floor means that you know which condoms are where and which ones were used. And you can kind of put them out in a place where you know that it was used and when you took it off. Right. If it's just on the floor, you might have something like this happen where you think it fell off and that's the one, but it's not the condom that fell off.
Of course, I had all kinds of questions around that, which was how do you not know it's it fell off like you're pulling your penis out of vagina how do you not feel it's slipping off how do you not see it fall well in our last episode where we talked about kissing we talked about how many nerve endings are there penis doesn't have all that many nerve endings as much as you'd think so it's not as delicate as your fingertips or your mouth to be able to have those kinds of sensations and so it's kind of a for lack of a better description a blunt instrument it feels a lot it feels really good to rub it on things but it doesn't have that kind of tactile sensitivity that like a finger does to know when things are there and when they're not and like i said if you've been playing for a while you do get a little desensitized and those nerve endings are not quite as tingly as they are before now in in my perspective i think if i had been in that situation i probably would have said okay i'm just going to double check i think the condom came out and off but let's just check because i've had condoms like i said said, break and fall off.
And I've wanted to make sure that all the bits and pieces are out because foreign objects floating around down in there, not such a good thing. Right. So that's my tip that if it does actually come off, double check. Yeah. She'll appreciate it.
And who knows, maybe it's another round of fingering and oral and you have some other fun but yeah double check right i have had you know condoms come off inside me but they're like still they're like half in half out you can see them yeah and so the guy will say he's pulled out and he's pulled out of the condom and my right pussy has gripped the condom and it's sticking half out and he's like oh and then he'll pull it out and he'll show me and he goes it was i pulled out it was still inside you and then we look to see if all the pieces are there so imagine if you had been wetter and he'd pulled out and it had also come out at the same time so he's slipping out and it's slipping out of you at the same time it's possible that it could have fallen falls out we you know had some we have some rules now to move forward with condom play, count, check, give you some better lighting, I'll check, he'll do periodic checks, maybe wear a different size condom, whatever.
Yeah. So and change positions. And and I from that process, I learned I can do that with other partners in the future to help, you know, this situation to lessen the chance of that happening. Yeah. It's going to happen again. Sure. You're just lowering your risk for it. Correct. Correct. Of course, our friends felt horrible, and they were very good listeners, and he apologized apologized and they loved, actually, that I spoke up about it rather than let it stew. And as a result, I feel like we have a stronger friendship now and that we all learned something from this experience.
Until next time, stay curious and keep learning. Oh, one last thing before you go. If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review. It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. Visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review. All the instructions are there. Thank you for being part of this community. We'll see you again soon.
