Want to send us a message? Communication is a key ingredient in any relationship. With swingers it s critical, not only for your success in the lifestyle, but also for the success of your relationship. We talk about rules, topics, insecurities and fears in the communication process.SHOW NOTESThe Ideal ConversationRules of CommunicationLet s Talk About SexFears Insecurities Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
We have to talk about something we've been genuinely excited about for months, and our patrons actually got a preview of this already. Jamaica! Yes, we are going back, and actually, we have a great offer for you guys. Yeah, it's Swingcation. It's October 11th through the 18th at Hedonism 2. And if you don't know what Swingcation is, it's pretty easy. Swinger plus kink plus vacation. It's a hosted group with real structure, workshops, lectures, real conversations with experts who are passionate about bringing and bridging that gap between the swinger world and the kink world.
And we're not just going as attendees. we're going as featured presenters, which is exciting. We'll be leading sessions. So if you come, we actually get to hang out with you. Which brings up something we should mention. When you use our code, yes, we got a code, you're not just getting a discount, you're getting the signature swing experience, which means $100 off per person, up to $200 per room, but it also means that we make time for you. An exclusive breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, or one-hour and one time with us directly, plus more surprise benefits.
Here's something that's really unique. You could actually contribute by hosting a discussion or running a Skillshare. I know it's scary, but if you have something that you want to contribute, that's a big part of why this event is so special. Everyone there has something to bring to the table. All right, details. If you book before April 25th, you save $400. Plus, they gave us that special code that gets you an additional $200, and the special code is SWINGERU-VIP. So book through TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinkie. That's T-I-C-K-E-T, the number four, play.com forward slash S-W-I-N-K-Y.
And use our code at checkout. And you guys, if you have any questions about the event, the resort, or what to expect, just reach out. I mean, we're here for you. We're happy to help. So once again, TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinky, the code SwingerU-VIP. We really want to dive into meaningful conversations that reveal some insecurities and questions when we started out. As you progress in the lifestyle, your ability to communicate with your partner becomes crucial.
We're going to break down today's lesson, starting with the ideal environment, rules, what turns you on, and then finally, fears and insecurities. The ideal environment, your ideal environment. Ours was our backyard. It's secluded. It's inviting. we have comfortable furniture, we could be away from little ears, and it was private enough where neighbors wouldn't overhear our conversations. We felt like we were in a safe place where we could actually have conversation freely and not worry about anything, any distractions going on. And it was outside of the house where the family was.
So it literally felt like we're stepping outside to have our time, private time. Exactly. The next thing we'd like to talk about are the rules of communication. Ideally, when you're having these conversations, everyone should feel safe.
You shouldn't feel like you're going to be attacked or you're going to be threatened or that you're not going to be heard or listened to so everyone has to be in a good place in a safe place to be able to have this open dialogue and you brought up a good point be in an open space don't try to have these conversations you know when you're feeling rushed or stressed you want to be relaxed you want to be able to really engage and focus on your partner and the conversation that you're going to have right imagine going to a bar or a restaurant it's great date night but it's a really bad place to try and have a conversation yeah you get interrupted by the waiter you've got a bartender asking you you've got some music schmo sitting next to you and everybody's overhearing so you're trying to talk quietly you're gauging the room you're waiting for interruptions plus if one of you is like overwhelmed, where do you go at this point?
You know, you don't have a place to kind of say, okay, timeout, we need to, you know, move on. Right. So someplace nice and safe for everybody away from anything that can be distracting. Correct. You want to respect one another's perspective and what they reveal. Everyone comes from a different place. They grew up somewhere different. Their perspectives are different. No one's going to feel or think the same way you do. They may want different things, and frequently they do. It's beautiful. feel or think the same way you do. They may want different things, and frequently they do.
And this is an opportunity for you to express what you're feeling, to reveal something that you just discovered. As you go through the lifestyle, you will see things that you hadn't ever seen before. You will experience feelings that you hadn't felt before because you hadn't been exposed to those environments right or if you're just starting out you may want to reveal things that you were afraid to reveal right things that you want to say to your partner hey you know i i was experimentally bi in college and i'd like to try that out again, and I'd like to do that with you.
And if your partner's never heard that before or didn't know anything about that. Mind blown. Ta-da. Here it is. so you've you've got to be able to be empathetic towards this other person, to listen to their feelings, to listen to what they're trying to express to you, and be a good listener. Listen to what they have to say, because soon it will be your turn, and you'll have to trade places in this conversation. Right. So that leads into? Nothing is off the table. So the important thing to consider is anything that you're going through, you have to be able to express it.
You've got to be able to get it out and tell your partner. And it's not always going to be easy. And some of the things you say may not be comfortable. I said to Ed several times in some of these nice intimate conversations that I prefaced some of the things I wanted to reveal to him with, I'm really afraid to tell you this, but I'm going to do it. And it brought us closer. It expanded our sexuality. It was amazing. Yeah. And we always had an agreement that anything we said would be listened to. More importantly, that we would try to support each other as we went through this process.
There were lots of times where we chose to take a break and conversations where we were struggling. We didn't know how we felt about things, and it took a little bit of perspective, some distance from it, to really think through it and to have a little bit of a better understanding of what we were feeling. so keep that in mind there's a lot of emotions there's a lot of feelings there's a lot of thoughts going through your head and your partner's head and experience So keep that in mind. There's a lot of emotions. There's a lot of feelings.
There's a lot of thoughts going through your head and your partner's head, and expressing this stuff is going to open that all up. Right. We're going to talk a little bit more about that, about fears and insecurities as well. Yes. Get a little deeper. So part of that emotional kind of reveal sometimes it's overwhelming sometimes you've got too much information to process you've got to really think about it and be okay with taking a break from the conversation when you need to. You're overwhelmed or you just don't have an answer yet. And it's okay to not have all of the answers. Exactly.
You're not going to, you're not always going to. It just, it doesn't work that way. Right.
Be comfortable in not not knowing oftentimes your brain needs time to think about all of that information all of your feelings we did this a lot when we were first starting out and we were listening to a ton of podcasts trying to understand what are all the rules how does this work where do you get started and we would listen for you know on the way to work at work on the way home yeah it's like and by the end of the week we were like overloaded yeah we had to just turn off for a little while change the subject do different. But your brain kind of works on it in the background. Yes.
And eventually you come back to the conversation. You go, hey, I totally thought of this thing. Let me help you with it. We encourage everybody to bring it all out on the table, be open to listening to your partner, and take a break when you need to. Absolutely. All right. Now this comes to good part. Yeah. Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that will be. Let's talk about sex, baby. Wow. I actually remembered that. That was pretty cool. That takes us back. Yes. So, I mean, what are we really talking about here?
Oh, so many things. Now I'm getting all interested. You in particular. We're all in the lifestyle. We're all thinking about swinging you're listening to this podcast clearly you are thinking about things that turn you on what's sexy to you now the interesting thing is not everything that's sexy to other people are going to be sexy to you. Everybody's got their own thing. Everyone's all got their sexy thing. Exactly. One of the things that you have to think about are what are your desires? What do you truly want to get out of the lifestyle? Maybe it's a bucket list.
Or your your relationship maybe you've explored all the options in your sexual relationship with your partner and you're craving something else you want to do something else experience something else right you've got that bond you're rock solid you know you're not going to go anywhere. And you just want to explore. Yeah, try something different. Absolutely. You read about it in Cosmopolitan all the time about spicing up your bedroom relationship. It's something as simple as being in a sexy environment. Maybe you always wanted to be watched.
Maybe you want to watch somebody else have sex oh my gosh you guys really have to try that it's amazing oh yeah it's so much fun so much fun being in a group so there's you know threesomes there's orgies There exotic locations. In our Costa Rica trip last year to April, we had sex outside in a thunderstorm on a yellow rubber ducky floating in the pool. On a pool, in the rain, yes. It was hot. Who can say that? Right? It was an amazing experience. Where's the weirdest place you had sex? On a rubber ducky. On a rubber ducky. So, you know, maybe you're into taller people.
Maybe you and your husband or you and your partner are of average stature, and you see some guy on a cruise that's 6'5", looks like Aquaman. Aquaman. Oh, yeah. I saw him. Mm-hmm. Just wanted to climb that tree. Yes. Yes. There were a number of women that we've talked to after the cruise that all saw Aquaman and said, oh, yeah, him. I do him.
Yeah yeah maybe you've got a cultural kink maybe you got an ethnic kink um there's a flavor of sexual appetite that's out there for you and it's just a matter of exploring that stuff but having that conversation with your partner yeah about that exploration how do you want to explore that what do you want to try you've got to be able to freely and openly admit that to your partner if you're in a long-term relationship that can be that can feel pretty but you got to get it out there. Otherwise, you're not going to be able to fulfill that. So start the conversation. Start easy.
Figure out how to broach that subject and then start bringing up those things. And you may have a partner that didn't have a lot of sexual experiences and you did and your partner wants more sexual experiences or they want to have sexual experiences with different cultures because you can't be different. I mean, if you're African-American, you can't be Filipino. You're just not going to happen. So what am I trying to say? If maybe you're completely satisfied in your relationship, but your partner wants to experience more, then maybe you want to embark on that journey together.
And then when you embark on that journey together, you discover things along the way. It's different for every couple. Some couples, they let their other partner play with other people, and they don't want to play. It's all up to you. Right. The important thing is to have the conversation. Absolutely. One of the other things that we like to talk about, and I think it's a really important dynamic in any relationship, and that is knowing the specific techniques that get you off and that you have the ability to express that to your partner. So let's put this in perspective.
If you know how you like to masturbate or what turns you on, what parts of your body are more sensitive than others, how you like to be touched, you have to be able to communicate that to your partner. Now, why is that in particular importance?
Well, if you do get into the lifestyle and you do step into a play situation with another couple or another person in the room, if you're not comfortable expressing to your partner, someone who you spend a significant amount of time with, who theoretically you've been intimate with and continue to be intimate with, and you have sex on a regular basis, if you can't tell that person who's seen all of your flaws and insecurities, then how are you going to tell a perfect stranger to touch you in a soft and sensitive place? Right. You've got to be able to say it out loud and be okay with saying it.
And maybe you'll discover your voice along the way. I discovered a louder voice along the way. I already have filet mignon, Mr. Ed, but I was finding I wasn't, well, I was going to say bacon, but I do like bacon. Who doesn't like bacon? What's a cheaper cut of meat? Ground round? Hamburger. Yeah, although there's some good burger places out there now. Anyway, I was not getting filet mignon. But when my voice got louder, when I was more comfortable asking for what I wanted or saying gentle on the nipples, they're very soft, or my clitoris really likes a flat tongue.
People responded very favorably, and I got what I needed, and it was a turn-on for them because I was asking for what I wanted, and they were happy to provide that.
Absolutely I I found a stronger voice asking strangers I mean they're they're people that you know that you've met but they're not your long-term partners so they're right in relative perspective a stranger yeah you you may have only met them one evening i mean there are a number of relations interactions that happen in the lifestyle that are basically one night stands but there are also longer term relationships that you can establish with people but no matter what you've still got to be able to say it out loud exactly so if you're uncomfortable with lights on having sex, you're going to have to start turning lights on and talking out loud because other people need to hear it.
Okay. Can we talk about October for a second? Oh my God. Yeah. I've been waiting waiting for this we were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six-star crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples and it sails from montreal to boston during the peak foliage season i'm super excited and honestly i'm really nervous yeah it's kind of a version of like a swinger ted talk that we're gonna have to do oh my god i know I don't know.
honestly i'm really nervous yeah it's kind of a version of like a swinger ted talk that we're gonna have to do oh my god i know and more importantly if you know the brand it's llv luxury lifestyle vacations you may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats this ship the crystal symphony is classy butler service for every single room Thank you.
playmakers with their fun red hats this ship the crystal symphony is classy butler service for every single room michelin rated restaurants full spa clothing optional sensual playrooms like everything theme nights and international dj so it's luxury and nudity oh man this is gonna be great the bottom line is we want you there with us it's 310 couples and like all their vacations they book up fast they really do their vacations are extremely popular so please come with us and in order to find it all you have to do is go to ourswingerlinks.com and look for the LLV Sensual Voyage.
We hope you'll join us. Now, we already covered sexual preferences. We covered different ethnicities, cultures, experimenting with your bi side. That's also something really important that you will be communicating with your partner. Right. So beyond the stuff that we talked about earlier, which were kind of kinks and desires, things that kind of stimulate you. There's also these deeper things, which are like a bisexuality preference. Those can sometimes be uncomfortable to express to your partner. One thing's kind of fun and cute. Oh, you like, you know, small girls. Yeah.
But when you start talking about maybe questioning your sexuality and expressing that to your partner and redefining yes and redefining who who you've been and yes your whole adult sexual life yes i wouldn't say redefining out redefining that to your partner or expressing that right hey i've i've always felt by i've never been able to really Thank you.
that to your partner or expressing that to your partner hey I've I've always felt by I've never been able to really express that on a regular basis because now I'm in a marriage with a you know a female and I really want to experience another male or vice versa right and I think that the important thing to think about that is you're opening yourself up to discovery when you go through this. Yes. Maybe you knew you were bi. Maybe you just discovered that you were bi. You just never know.
your partner wouldn't know he wouldn't have even had a hint well maybe they had a hint that you were i mean men think all women are bi and i kind of i kind of think that they are i think they were just more accepting of one another that's all very possible all great. Now, some of the other things that kind of get into this riskier topic, things like kinks. So there are a number of people who enjoy kinkier play. Riskier, meaning like?
Well, risky in that sometimes your partner may not be into those things sometimes you have a a bent a kink that takes you to a place that your partner and you have never experienced before so bondage public sex pain play there are some people who hide that and suppress that. And it's important that you, if that's part of who you are as a sexual person, to be able to express that. So just like the other stuff, kink play is another expression of your sexuality that you need to be able to communicate with your partner. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. Fears and insecurities.
Now we're getting into the sensitive part. We've touched on some of that already. Deep feelings feelings talking about things that are maybe uncomfortable for us my biggest fear was breaking us right i found filet mignon finally i scoured the earth I found the Diamond, and I was deadly afraid that I was going to destroy it. And I didn't want to, because it took me so damn long to find you. I know. And I didn't want to break us. So that was my fear. That was my insecurity. I was excited about this journey and this adventure that we were going to embark on. But I had some serious fears. Yeah.
I mean, you're throwing your relationship out onto this stage and testing it in a pretty significant way. Yeah, the ultimate vacation test. Right. You don't know how that's going to end up. And that was, I think, both of our concern. I think you were a little bit more concerned about it because I was I was very deeply in love with you and I didn't have any intention of going anyplace you don't love me anymore though yeah well you know it's yeah it has a big smile on his face he, you're being silly. I absolutely still love her very much.
One of the other things that can come out, and we weren't sure exactly how it was going to affect us, but we all hear about jealousy, and that's seeing your partner attracted to somebody that's not you. Now, jealousy is usually talked about in the whole, like, girlfriend hitting the boyfriend because he's checking out some chick's butt as you walk through the mall. That's pretty classic jealousy. Now, we didn't expect to have that, and we didn't go through any of those insecurities. But when you start playing sexually with other people, I mean, this isn't just like a casual glance.
I mean, we're talking about sexual contact with other people. I'm grabbing boobs at this point. And you kind of don't know what's going to happen until you do it and to see, is this all right? Right. I mean, how many people really get to see their husband kissing another woman right in front of them, like making out? Yeah. It's unusual. It's not something you're used to seeing. It's not something you're shown in TV. It's not something that, well, a little bit now, but it's not really talked about. So mentally you're not prepared for that.
You're not really sure how to categorize that or process that. And if've never had to go through that set of emotions if you've never had to witness it in in a very personal way how it's affecting you you don't know how you're going to react to it until it actually happens right so guess what there's there's no trial run you can't just you know slowly dip a toe into it toe into it. Oh, I guess you kind of can. A little bit. You can go a little slow.
But for the most part, each time you progress a little deeper into the pool, you're going to have a different set of emotions that you're going to have to deal with. So jealousy or feelings of insecurity are going to come up. And it's important that you talk about them to figure out where you're at. Why, and this is the key with jealousy, why did you feel that way? Your feelings are absolutely valid that it made you feel uncomfortable. The question that you have to really figure out is, why did it make you uncomfortable? Did you feel that he was enjoying it too much?
Maybe it looked like he was enjoying it more than he enjoyed kissing you, which is an absolute fabrication, by the way, Phoebe. I still enjoy kissing you more than anybody else. And I'm not even exaggerating in the slightest. And it's going to be, obviously, we keep saying this, different for everybody. Some people jump right in. There's not a jealous bone in their body. And, well, actually, I think a lot of people, there are, I do know that there are a lot of people out there that don't experience a lot of jealousy.
But what I can say, and I'm positive about, is that everyone will experience something in this lifestyle that triggers a moment of uncomfortableness or jealousy. Right. And to the kissing example, I'll just provide an example. We were playing on the bed with a couple and Ed was having a fabulous makeout session with the voluptuous hot brunette on the bed next to us. He was having a ton of fun while I, on the other hand, was having an okay time. And my kissing experience was meh. So I started to feel a little jealous. I started to poke Ed.
I was feeling jealous because he looked like he was having a better time than me. Right. It's like being left out of the party. felt like i was being left out now in the moment i did not know why i was feeling that the next night or the next morning that was revealed right as we talk as we talk through it so you know you talk through these things, you discover what it is, and maybe you make a plan to work around that or you just go, well, hey, that's the way it is. Someone's going to have a little bit more better time than the other person. It's going to happen.
Absolutely, and I've been in the exact same situation where we've had a group situation in a hotel room and phoebe was the life of the party i mean all the bees were checking her flower out and honestly most of the women either were at a commission or. One of them wasn't feeling well, too drunk, whatever. Really, there weren't enough women to go around. And it did. It felt very uncomfortable. But I realized it doesn't happen all the time. It just happened that one time.
But it did feel kind of gross, kind kind of off and it's uncomfortable yeah one of the other things that comes up and we've experienced this a little bit and that is are we still the best sex now phoebe had some early feelings about this, some typical American female insecurities about not being the cutest or the tightest or the. The spinner. Yeah. Because of past experiences that she'd had. And she has very specific feelings about those kinds of situations. There's a few of them. And they kind of set her off. Now, I respect that. And I understand that.
So I tend to avoid those kinds of situations to not aggravate those feelings.
But we've talked about it, and I think we've worked through a lot of that and i think that that's been alleviated to a pretty strong extent at this point yes plus there's a lot of education that comes along in this process a lot of awareness and knowing that all women feel different they feel different but they feel the same inside I was that they're all very soft very warm and then inviting but all the the all the other features are are different and fun and exciting exactly so again it was it was really fears based on cultural precepts that were in my brain that i just got rid of yeah you get told the same thing enough times you you kind of believe it and then you have to discover that it's not actually true exactly so we did we've we've done some exploring and we've broken some of those things down which is great here's why we sail on virgin it's's adults only.
No kids screaming at breakfast. No family buffet lines. Just champagne at noon, late-night pool parties, and people who actually want to be there. The vibe? Think boutique hotel that happens to float. Tattoo parlors, drag brunch, restaurants you'd actually pay for on land. Plus, when you're looking to connect with other couples who know how to have fun, let's just say Virgin attracts a very specific type of adventurous. No wonder Bread Cruiserers here, just your people. There's also the unknown. What's going to happen? That drives me crazy.
Yeah, that was probably your biggest issue when we first started. Oh my God, what's going to happen when we get there? Are they going to attack us? Do we have to rip off our clothes? I mean, are they going to take our keys? That whole thing. If we smile too much at a couple, are they going to happen when we get there? Are they going to attack us? Do we have to rip off our clothes? I mean, are they going to take our keys? That whole thing. All the things. If we smile too much at a couple, are they going to, like, come over and, like, want to have sex with us? Right.
If we kiss them, does that mean it's on? Like, what? Oh, my God. I was driving myself crazy. And what we discovered was people are people.'s like dating it's it's really no different flirting is flirting you may kiss someone it doesn't mean i'm gonna go to bed with you you know so it's it's really not it's wasn't nearly as, or anything what I had imagined to be. Like, I just thought you'd walk into a room and it was movie, like orgy movie. Right. You put your keys in the bowl at the beginning. Oh, yeah. And you get dragged off someplace to a room.
Like the 70s orgy porn that I was watching as a teenager. Yeah. Now, we would like that to happen now. Oh, yeah. But when we first started out, we were very uncomfortable with the idea that we just didn't know what was going to happen. So we can let you know that it doesn't work like that. No. Everything is about consent. Yes. You have to give explicit permission.
You can say no at any point and most people as we've discovered don't even like to play at parties yes and sometimes it's just not sexy enough but but don't give up right it may not be the right party it may not be at the right environment or area or i mean changes all the time. So don't give up. Just keep going back and just keep trying. But the important thing was that showing up to a party, even going to a lifestyle event, doesn't commit you to any kind of sexual interaction with any other couple. Right. It only happens if you want it to, and only with who you want it to happen with. Yep.
We ran into a couple on the cruise that have never played with another couple, but they've been on the Bliss Cruise, Swinger Cruise, six or seven times. Six or seven times, yeah. Yeah.
We call them monogamish yeah they still get on the cruise nobody kicks them off i mean they pay their fare they love being there but they're not ready and and we didn't grab them and take them off to some bed someplace and have our way with them it's just you know we just had a great conversation with them and they were wonderful people i know so there are lots of people who just go to experience the the same fear of the unknown that you're going through and just know that it's really not that scary it's not that scary there are occasions when you do play where kind of unexpected things happen.
Like? As an example, Phoebe and I were playing on a bed, and another couple joined us on the bed. It was fun and very casual. I'm waiting to see where you go. Like, which one was this? Yeah. I've got a few stories. And the gentleman who was next to us was not particularly her taste. And the expression on her face was like a deer in the headlights.
headlights really uncomfortable and i could tell instantly because her eyes grew to the size of saucers was it was so obvious that she was uncomfortable and of course i had to ask are you okay and her head shook violently from side to side in the most subtle way just like rapid vibrations her whole head like right yeah no because i was trying to be subtle you know because you're like oh my god we didn't practice the signal is it two squeezes is it three squeezes is it like blinking in the eyes is it like pinching what oh my god we don't have the signal so i just did the big saucer eyes with the we've since figured out some signals and you know the the good hard squeeze is is probably the good indication and if it's with a smile that means we're on if it's a big squeeze and the deer in the headlights look then it's like get me the hell out of here out of here yeah and and honestly it wasn't like anything terrible was happening we were happening we were somewhat new and it was really just a roaming hand but i was like uh you one you didn't ask and two i'm not into you don't touch me i'm not interested in you touching me so yeah so communication even non-verbal communication becomes important and having that look that you can give your partner is really important.
And you can figure out some signals ahead of time. You know, one if by land, two if by sea, who knows? Have a signal with your partner to be able to say. Or a phrase. Or a phrase a phrase actually that reminds me of a phrase the water or the wine something yeah that you know your partner doesn't like like ed hates melon so i would say he'd say oh you would probably say something like hey honey i'm gonna go to the buffet and grab some watermelon and be like what ed hates melon right oh got it ding ding Thank you.
to the buffet and grab some watermelon and be like what my head hates melon right oh got it ding ding pull the ripcord parachute out out with these secret signals that you develop with your partner it's important that you understand what the signal is i can recall incident, it's actually happened a couple times, where I got the wrong message. I don't know, maybe I was just way into the chick and just not paying attention. But totally missed the signal. Phoebe got up and got a drink, comes back, and we've decided that we're going to go play in the playroom with a couple.
So I missed the signal that she was not into it, which can be a little awkward. Right. Now, we played it off, and we were able to you know exit gracefully but it was a clear example of being clear with your partner as to what your expectations are and also don't commit to something unless you've had a conversation about it. Right. And I was just going to say, sometimes you may need to table that conversation with another couple and say, excuse us, we're going to go grab a drink and we'll be right back. Or we're going to go, or just be honest, say, we're going to go chat. We'll be right back.
You go, you separate, you have that conversation with your partner. Get on the same page. Get on the same page. And you come back. People really do respect the honesty. They'd rather you be honest than lead them on. And you come back and you say, hey, we appreciate the offer, but we're just not feeling it tonight. Right. We look forward to seeing you again in the future, or you don't even have to say that. you just say we appreciate the offer, but we're just not feeling it tonight. Right. We look forward to seeing you again in the future, or you don't even have to say that.
You just say, we appreciate the offer. We're just not feeling it tonight. Right. People respect that. Absolutely. It may feel awkward to say, but you do it. It's quick, and nobody's feelings are hurt. And trust us, it's way less awkward to have that conversation than to get into a room and have a bunch of drama pop up because right the wheels fall off the wagon we've never had that thank goodness no but but those are the kinds of situations that end up in the dramatic. Yes, when we've seen, yes, things. Bad, bad things. So, yeah, get your signals straight. Yes.
Have a moment and have that conversation. Absolutely. Now, one of the other kind of disastrous things can happen sometimes, and it depends on how far somebody goes. But if you have rules, clearly understand the rules, clearly communicate them ahead of time. But sometimes in the heat of the moment, things get a little slippery. It depends on how clearly you define your rules.
And if your partner messes up have a conversation about it understand that you broke the rules definitely be open to hearing that but also be open to understanding that it was a it was an omission the rule wasn't clear enough or the situation happened but have the conversation about it it's a hard conversation to have but you have to have it absolutely and and sometimes you'll feel like in the moment that it just feels natural and that breaking that rule is very comfortable and everyone was on the same page.
There's this synergistic flow that tends to go on and that's what happened with us in the beginning. We had some subtle rules. They weren't hard rules like a no kissing, or I say that's a hard rule. I call it a hard rule because we love kissing. And so when someone has a no kissing rule, we feel very sad because when we want to play with them, we're like, oh, that's not going to work for us.
I'm sorry sorry but we respect that so when we've broken some of these rules when we were playing we talked about it afterwards and we were okay with it sometimes in that situation breaking that rule with that couple feels fine right but break but having that rule broken with another couple may not feel fine. It's very fluid. It's really interesting. Absolutely.
And in the heat of the moment, if you think that you might want to start to push past your boundaries, and that's kind of the way we like to phrase it right have the non-verbal communication with your partner you can go you know hey what do you think or even just have the verbal conversation we've had those verbal conversations right there in the bed right honey she really wants me to fuck her are you okay with that and you'd be like Here we go.
in the bed right mm-hmm honey she really wants me to fuck her are you okay with that and you'd be like pound away right all right yeah and it's fun it's it's you know you could have light playful and direct conversations in the bed with another couple absolutely Absolutely. It doesn't kill the moment. No. No. And couples actually appreciate that you have communication with each other. It shows that you. You're a team. You're unstoppable. Yeah. You're together. And you can say, you know, I know I'm not comfortable with that right now.
Or maybe you think you're comfortable and you start fucking Ginger. And I'm thinking, you know, sexy. I don't know where Ginger came from. And you see that happening and you're like, oh, I'm not so comfortable about seeing that. And then you tap them on the shoulder and you're like i need to have some of you right now right and regroup you just regroup and then you get back with your man or your woman and you know you reconnect absolutely we've done that before it's the the need the desire the absolute necessity to have that kind of conversation, that communication with your partner.
Absolutely. You have to do it. Right. Which is why conversation in the beginning is crucial so that you can have these intimate, direct, comfortable conversations with your partner when you're in the act, playing with some other people, and there's multiple individuals that you're coordinating with. Could be two, could be six. We tend to like the six and eights. But when you start off having these conversations, that will transition into these conversations in the end. Now, in closing, everything comes back to communication. Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that happens.
You have to be able to talk through it. You're in this together, and it's important that you work through it together. Absolutely. I love you, Ed. I love you, Phoebe. Thank you for joining us for this episode and listening to Ed and Phoebe at Swinger University. Please send us comments, or if you would like to share a personal story, we would love to hear from you. You can contact us via email at swingeruniversity at gmail.com. Oh, one last thing before you go. If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review.
It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. Visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review. All the instructions are there. Thank you for being part of this community. We'll see you again soon.
