Want to send us a message? Have you communicated about how you are communicating for an event? We will cover pre-event communication, pep talk, non-verbal and verbal communication and signals. We share some of our favorite exit phrases we have heard over time and talk about how important it is to have a post-event conversation.Show Notes Pre-event Preparation CommunicationPre-event Pep TalkNon-Verbal SignalsVerbal PhrasesMissed Communication SignalsNon-verbal CommunicationPost-event Wrap-up Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
We have to talk about something we've been genuinely excited about for months, and our patrons actually got a preview of this already. Jamaica! Yes, we are going back, and actually, we have a great offer for you guys. Yeah, it's Swingcation. It's October 11th through the 18th at Hedonism 2. And if you don't know what Swingcation is, it's pretty easy. Swinger plus kink plus vacation. It's a hosted group with real structure, workshops, lectures, real conversations with experts who are passionate about bringing and bridging that gap between the swinger world and the kink world.
And we're not just going as attendees. we're going as featured presenters, which is exciting. We'll be leading sessions. So if you come, we actually get to hang out with you. Which brings up something we should mention. When you use our code, yes, we got a code, you're not just getting a discount, you're getting the signature swing experience, which means $100 off per person, up to $200 per room, but it also means that we make time for you. An exclusive breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, or one-hour and one time with us directly, plus more surprise benefits.
Here's something that's really unique. You could actually contribute by hosting a discussion or running a Skillshare. I know it's scary, but if you have something that you want to contribute, that's a big part of why this event is so special. Everyone there has something to bring to the table. All right, details. If you book before April 25th, you save $400. Plus, they gave us that special code that gets you an additional $200, and the special code is SWINGERU-VIP. So book through TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinkie. That's T-I-C-K-E-T, the number four, play.com forward slash S-W-I-N-K-Y.
And use our code at checkout. And you guys, if you have any questions about the event, the resort, or what to expect, just reach out. I mean, we're here for you. We're happy to help. So once again, ticketforplay.com forward slash Swinky, the code SwingerU-VIP. We really want to see you there. hi everyone welcome back this is phoebe and this is ed ed you have such a nice voice i just had to We are Swinger University. Today, we are talking about how to communicate for and at an event.
We are going to share some pre-event communication examples, the importance of a good pep talk, and communicating verbally and non-verbally. We also share some of our favorite exit phrases phrases we've heard over time and talk about how important it is to have a post-event conversation. Please remember to subscribe to our podcast, email us questions, rate and review us on iTunes. And we'd also like to thank all the emails that we've been getting and reviews and a special thank you to Amanda for her awesome question to us the other day. Rules for the evening.
Now, before you go to an event, we've talked about it going to your first event in our last episode. In this episode, we're going to talk about, okay, how do you talk to each other at the event? What happens? How do you send signals back and forth? This is an important aspect of any kind of event, no matter whether it's a hotel takeover or a house party. sometimes you need to tell someone your partner something without making the whole room aware of what you want to tell them. Like any game, you'll want to decide what your rules are for that evening. What have you decided ahead of time?
What are you comfortable with when you're going to that particular event? As you progress through the lifestyle, your rules will change. So understand what your rules are for that particular evening. What have you agreed on ahead of time? Kissing or no kissing, same bed, different bed, different rooms. It's all up to the two of you to decide how you want to play. An example we could share about having rules ahead of time was our first event where we went just to observe.
We'd never been to a lifestyle event before, and we'd seen a Craigslist ad for a party, and we decided ahead of time, okay, we've listened to podcasts, we've got an idea of what this is about, but I don't know what we want to do. Let's just go and look. Let's just watch, see what happens. We'll be the flies on the wall. In addition to having your rules for the evening, you should also set goals for the evening. What do you want to accomplish? Do you want to talk to two couples? Do you want to mingle?
Do you want to approach that hot couple that you've seen across the room that you both really want to talk to?
Well, if you do, go talk to them them but decide ahead of time what your goal is going to be what do you what do you want to accomplish at this particular event if it's your first event maybe it's just talking to a couple people if it's your second or your third or your fourth or your 20th get bold pre-game pep talk we did this a lot not knowing it was a pre-game pep talk mostly stemmed out of me just being very nervous not knowing what's going to happen trying to figure out it ahead of time so i wasn't stressed out, which caused more stress.
So Ed was always really great at reassuring me that he loved me, we were going to have a great time, I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to, that I could always say no, that he was going to be right by my side, that it's just him and I, and that this adventure is something that we are doing together as a team and that always made me feel so much better I often refer to that as talking the kitty out of the tree yep talking the kitty out of the tree it's gonna be okay and as women you know things change change too.
We're happy with our outfit when we leave the house, but then we're in the car and we're like, I should have never wore this. My makeup doesn't look right. I picked the wrong heels. The dress is not fitting correctly. Somehow, something is wrong, and it's upsetting. The really good news is it's all in your head. Yeah. And your husband will be more than happy to reassure you that you look fabulous. Absolutely. And it's true. It's just nerves. And knowing that it's nerves and knowing not what to expect, you know, it'll all work out. Now, that's me.
I know some people just like to jump in, and they, like, are completely okay with that. Carefree. Yeah. I'm the kind of person that, a little bit of a wallflower, and I have to really stretch outside those introverted boundaries and, you know, make myself comfortable, become that extrovert in that situation. That's right. Get out of your head and get into the game. Exactly.
so we've kind of talked about before the event and kind of how you prep for it setting up everything in your head and having those conversations and making sure that you're you're mentally prepared to to go into it in other words it's kind this is kind of like the pre-game pep talk that your coach goes through exactly but. But once you're at the event, and I kind of alluded to this in the intro, there are communications that need to go between you and your partner that you don't want the couple that's standing right next to you. You've walked up to that couple.
you've walked up to the hottest couple in the room somehow you've got to communicate to your partner that you want to do them or you don't you don't want to do anything with them and you've got to get away somehow so this is where the the non-verbal signals okay so there was morse code there were smoke signals how do you like telepathically communicate to your partner yeah so we've heard all kinds of tricky techniques in order to do some of this stuff. There's a head nod, triple blink.
If you're standing next to your partner, which is typically what it is, it's, you know, you and your partner right next to each other. You can kind of put your arm around your partner and squeeze their arm. And you can agree ahead of time on, you know, is it three squeezes or two squeezes kind of a one if by land two if by sea kind of thing you can decide what that signal is going to be for get me the heck out of here or i'm all in. Right. And you don't have to do it non-verbally.
There are some other ways to do it, and one of the ways that we've talked about it is the Hail Mary signal of, I'm going to go get a glass of wine, or, oh, I think I saw some watermelon on the buffet table. In other words, throw your partner a clue as to something that you would never eat. Or drink. Or drink. Or that you need to go get a glass of water and you need them to come with you or something like that. And that can be your exit cue to get out. So it can be kind of subtle and, and not as blunt as we don't really like you, we got to get out of here.
You can say it in a way that only your partner knows. And so talk a little bit ahead of time about maybe an exit phrase to get you out of trouble. And want to talk about two things one that technique that we've used that i've actually forgotten that we do i think this was a suggestion years ago when you walk up to a couple that you really like take a a moment to step away and, you know, say, oh, I got to run to the bathroom, going to go grab another drink. That gives you and your partner an opportunity to talk. Hey, are you on the same page? Yeah, I'm on the same page. Or no, I'm not.
She's hot, but he's not, or vice versa. Exactly. And then you can always come back to that couple and continue the conversation. Right. But it gives you both that exit point to have a conversation that's not in front of them. So don't feel like you have to be doing all this communication without leaving their company.
can do that and we have and that actually works really great because you you can easily find them an event again yeah it's a it's a pause in the conversation so give yourself an opportunity to just step aside and go talk about it yeah heck you can even say in front of them hey we're gonna go talk about something we'll be right back and then go disappear and and come back and people are really cool about that you know they they know because everyone does it so no one will shame you hey for that gives them an opportunity to talk about it too because they're like hey what do you think about them exactly you give them a break we get a break everybody figures out what they want to do and then when you come back and talk to them you'll either get the signal or you'll get the no we're not really interested or hey playroom looks like it's got a couple beds for you you Do you want to go check it out?
So the second thing I wanted to say was the voicing your desire for wine or watermelon or whatever the food or drink that your partner doesn't have or like ed had actually used that on me once we just used it at the last party and we've never used it now we've talked about it before and we're like that's great we're gonna have to use that sometime yeah we had the game plan all set up that we were going to use that but but we never had the opportunity because most, the conversation kind of ebbs and flows and you, people have pauses in their conversation where you can just take a break and gracefully step away.
This couple, either they were very, very nervous or just very unaware, but they talked a lot or drunk. oh that could be there was just no polite way to to to exit the conversation without appearing rude and i didn't want to appear rude and i didn't want to say something to break the conversation or just leave because it felt rude. But then it became the never ending conversation. Oh, my God. We were there for so long. They just kept going and going. And it was interesting, too, because it wasn't the gentleman. It was the lady. Right.
she just just kept going yeah and so then ed uses one of our phrases on me and i almost messed it up i was like you don't oh yeah um he's gonna go check on that we hadn't practiced it enough my brain went what what are you talking about that's right ding oh that's the code that's the code and then when ed didn't come back after about two minutes, which felt like an eternity, I was like, I'm just going to go check on Ed and see where he's at with that thing. Yeah, she figured out eventually, but she came over and she was like, oh, my God, she would not stop.
And even then, when I had to exit, I had to interrupt her to say that. And even then, I felt badly because I felt like I was being rude. The really good news is I got the very distinct impression that she was so drunk, I don't think she even noticed that we had left. Yeah. Which is a little unfortunate because you just shouldn't get that drunk. Well, it limits your opportunities. Let's just say it changes the dynamic of the evening. Yes. Oh, my goodness. So whatever you decide on, pick something, practice it, whatever works. Nonverbals don't typically work for us. We've tried a few.
We've had mixed results with the non-verbal phrases because a lot of times I like to just squeeze Phoebe and I'll squeeze her all the time. And I think, you know, the problem is, honey, I squeeze you too much. I know. And so when I squeeze you with intent to communicate, you're like, hmm, I like that. Squeeze me some more. Like, no, honey, that's the runaway squeeze. Darn it. Yeah, it just doesn't work. I thought that was the pet me squeeze. Squeeze me more. Well, as you can tell, the squeeze doesn't go down. What does that mean? Well, it means that you've gotten mixed signals. Yeah.
Or missed signals. You didn't get it. Phoebe almost didn't get it when I had to go check on my thing and the squeezes sometimes get missed. Right. So how do you recover when that happens, when something is miscommunicated. Exactly. Tell us a story about miscommunication, Phoebe. Yes. How did that happen? This was actual communication with words. I say actual. There's lots of forms of communication. But this one was with words. There was a couple that invited us back to their cabin on one of these lifestyle cruises. And they said, you know, come up for some champagne.
We've got ocean view, blah. Have some, you know, we'll have a chat. No pressure. No, no commitment. Nothing. Right. Just some champagne, cheese and snacks. So Ed. I'm in. Ed's like, all right. I'm like, wait, did you tell them yes already? Yeah. Of course. I'm like, oh, no, no. You know what this means? We're back in the cabin. They're giving us champagne. That means there's some conditions because of the champagne and we're trapped in their room. And how do we exit if we don't? Oh, my gosh. It's the equivalent of going to a dinner date and getting stuck at the dinner date.
Now, of course, I didn't think that far ahead because i found the the wife attractive and so i of course was not thinking past what could possibly go wrong i was thinking of all of the possible good things that could happen yeah phoebe on the other hand was going oh we've just been invited back to the lair yeah and we had both had conversations with the woman ahead of time right but we didn't really get to know the man and i was nervous about that because i didn't know anything about him right and so i thought well how is this gonna to work they were very sweet oh yeah we had a great time great conversation but you were nervous i think the whole time because you didn't know what was going to happen you had this i think you had this subconscious anticipation of bad things happening No, wasn't i was on how do you say i was on alert i wasn't i was trying not to send the wrong message right because i noticed right a way that the man was very attentive and very giddy and very happy that i was in the room and very touchy and very very touchy and feely and flirty and that's just his normal nature so i was very careful to not lead him on because i i wasn't Sure, he clearly was all in, but't know where i was at and i needed time to warm up but he was like on fast forward and i was not there yet and this is a good example of how everybody's not always on the same page at the same time or feeling the same way at the same time yes because i think he and i were on the same page and she and i were on the same page and i think you were a little i was not quite there yet no it worked out we escaped without injury uh no no swingers were hurt in in this event yeah but it was a little nerve-wracking for you and i and i think you were and it was awkward at the end and i feel badly and yeah even though you know we exited nicely and politely and said that we would meet up with them later on the dance floor.
And we did. And we said hi. But it was clear that they were feeling different, they felt. I think they'd hoped for more. Yeah. And that's okay. But I'll also put this out there that you have to expect that even if you invite a couple back to your room, you can hope for the best. You can hope for something fun and exciting, but it doesn't always happen. Everybody's got to be on the same page. Otherwise, it isn't going to happen. And you've just got to be open to that potential reality. Right. So you've gone to the room. Dun. You've had the champagne. Dun. And the finger snacks.
How do you escape the nonverbal, in the heat of the moment communication yeah how do you do that how do you get out how do you send that signal the get me the hell out of here right right ripcord signal This is... I gotta go. Ripcord signal. This is, I got to go. I got to go now. I guess you could use that, right? Honey, I got to go.
That food at the buffet just, it's just, I mean, it's a little gross, but at the same time, I think people would get it they'd be like oh oh oh i hate when that happens yeah yeah i'll go check on her it'll be okay oh my gosh no that's that's not the example we were talking about but we've been in situations where we've been on the bed playing with another couple next to us or they've just kind of joined us yeah they said can we share the bed and we said yes yeah we don't have a problem playing on a bed next to somebody else i mean i'm happy to watch it some watch someone else have sex next to us that's just that's always good.
Um, it's when the roaming hand comes over and it's, Oh, well, I wasn't quite ready for that. And most, most people will ask.
And in the beginning, i was not confident to say no and i've noticed in the lifestyle a lot of the husbands or partners will say no for their other partner right they take that role on kind of protective role right now some of them have that type of intuitiveness going on or communication maybe they've been together for a long long time he knows exactly what she wants we hadn't been together very long at this point right we got into the lifestyle before we were married and so you may be going along thinking i'm okay but i'm starting to feel no but you don't know that yeah and some of it for me was i didn't want to speak for you i it's the equivalent of going to a restaurant ordering dinner for your wife it's weird she'll have the filet mignon with a side of broccoli like why would i order for her i don't know i kind of like when you do that though if i know ahead of time what you're going to want to eat yes in a situation where you just kind of flop down on a bed next to somebody else i don't i don't necessarily want to speak for you i guess i could speak for you and you're like no no honey i'm okay grab away that would work pretty well and he'd be like all right so maybe i was overthinking it yeah but it's it's weird speaking for somebody else in my mind like i get the protective thing and if i felt you were in eminent danger i absolutely would you know take the bullet for you so to speak right or would take the bullet for you but the you know no one's gonna die right because they grabbed your nipple i mean i don't think there's ever been a fatality as the direct result of nipple grabbage i know or a boob squeeze or a butt caress yeah so in So in some ways, I think people get a little crazy about it.
But in other respect, I get that they're being protective of their woman, their lady. They're looking out for her. And I absolutely get that. But I also feel conflicted with speaking for you because you're an adult and you're a mature woman and you are perfectly capable of speaking up for yourself. And so it feels, it almost feels condescending to speak for you.
oh i see right like oh i'll answer for her i don't think that's cool i mean maybe call me women's lib in that respect but right you know i will step in when i need to but at the same time like i don't want to answer for you you're perfectly capable and i respect that you can speak for yourself i get that the what's nice is when you will step in if i've said no or i've gently moved someone's hand away absolutely and and i will do that don't take the hint or the guidance and they move in a second or third time after the second time you get the look and they will get the look and then you step in and go yeah and no thank you when we were in florida and we were at trapeze unfortunately we were separated enough where separated enough where I couldn't hear what was going on.
Right. It was loud. The music was loud. I was occupied with some ebony goddess. I know. Oh, that was fun. And we weren't that far away. It was like, I don't know, three, four feet. Yeah. It was like a body and a half away. Yes. A body and a half. Yeah. They were on the other side of you.
So it was like a body and a half away a body and a half yeah they were on the other side of you so it was even further me a woman you and your partner and then on the other side of both of you was this super grabby handsy guy right and so it was too far away for me to see what was going on or to hear what was going on. And so by the time I'd found out about it, you'd already handled it and your partner at the time had handled it. We digress a little bit, but it's okay to be verbal in these situations, too, where you need to stand up for yourself.
So you don't have to necessarily do the nonverbal heat of the Munich communication. When you're interacting and you're really close to each other, then maybe nonverbal works. But sometimes, sometimes you just have to be blunt with people. Yeah. I've given you the deer in the headlights look before and you you know what that is. Absolutely. And you will do the mouth, the mouth. Are you okay? And then I start. It's the Blair Witch. Yeah. And then I like shake my head really quick. No, I see creepy dudes. That wasn't Blair Witch, but you get the idea. Okay.
Well, just as important as all that is, post-game wrap-up, very important as well. You need time to process all this stuff. A lot happened. So many conversations, so much stimulus. Did it go well well did it not go well yeah the non-verbal didn't go well so you got to talk about the new signal you're like look the the quadruple squeeze it's just not working you love persimmon how come you said right oh that's what you meant gosh I ended up in that gangbang and I just How come you said? Right. Oh, that's what you meant.
Gosh, I ended up in that gangbang and I just didn't realize that you were saying no. No. Okay, can we talk about October for a second? Oh my God, yeah. I've been waiting for this.
We were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six-star crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples and it sails from Montreal to Boston during the peak foliage season I'm super excited and honestly I'm really nervous yeah it's kind of a version of like a swinger ted talk that we're gonna have to do oh my god i know and more importantly if you know the brand it's llv luxury lifestyle vacations you may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats.
This ship, symphony is classy butler service for every single room michelin rated restaurants full spa clothing optional sensual playrooms like everything theme nights and international dj so it's luxury and nudity oh man going to be great. The bottom line is we want you there with us. It's 310 couples and like all their vacations, they book up fast. They really do. Their vacations are extremely popular. So please come with us. And in order to find it, All you have to do is go to ourswingerlinks.com and look for the LLV Sensual Voyage. We hope you'll join us.
oh yeah so along with the very exciting things that are fun to recount along the night and share with one another you will find that that is fresh in your mind that evening or that very next day and then a few days later things will start to surface oh did you do this or i forgot to tell you about about that. Because you can't be 100% focused on that other person. Otherwise, you're not focused on your own experience. So your partner is going to have stories to tell you that you just missed.
Well, and the other interesting thing that happens is you're so hopped up on the adrenaline or the serotonin. We were just listening to a podcast about this, and they were describing all of the chemical things that go on in your brain when you're experiencing this stuff. And it takes a while for you to kind of intellectually process it because you're dealing with it on kind of like a chemical and an emotional basis. So in the heat of the moment and hours later, you're kind of not thinking clearly. You're still operating on that kind of instinctual chemical basis.
So once that settles out and you have a time to think about it and to hear your partner's perspective, then you start to get a bigger picture about the whole thing. And it's really important to just talk through all that.
As we've talked about before, communication is really important talk about what you experienced honestly what did you like what didn't you like what would you want to change the next time start planning for the next game absolutely absolutely recount all the things that you missed recount the things that you liked do more of the likes do less of the things you didn't like it's great yeah Recount all the things that you missed, recount the things that you liked, do more of the likes, do less of the things you didn't like. It's great. Yeah. Say things like, this made me really uncomfortable.
I would really like for you to do this next time. I need more reassurance next time. Okay, great. What does that look like? I need you know put your arm on my back more i need more insurance or i need you to whisper in my ear every so often and tell me that you love me or something whatever your needs are um for comfort because your partner i mean this is your partner you're doing this together as a team, experiencing it together.
So that's really, really important to discuss things that in areas where you may have felt disconnected throughout the evening, whether it was talking with another couple or playing on the bed, if that was an issue or concern, talk about that and how you can fix that. The other thing is, yeah, the one of the fears that I had was disappointing Ed, because Because we'd go into the event with our pre-talk, our pep talk, and our goals for the evening, but sometimes that didn't work out.
And you spend all this time dressing up, getting the sitter, spending the money, and you think, yeah, we're going to go in and we're going to do X, Y, and Z may not do any of it right and it's a little disappointing and it does feel it does feel disappointing i can't i can't you know you just kind of can't help it but i i felt like i was disappointing ed because i really wanted him to have a good time you you want the best for your partner and absolutely just wasn't there yet or i wasn't feeling as comfortable as ed and so it took me a little longer and i and ed kept reassuring me you're not disappointing me you're fine it's all good i'm not disappointed i get he's like he's like what do you say i get to spend this great evening with my sexy wife she dressed up or feel you know yeah we went out dancing we got to watch people have sex yeah if that's the worst thing that could happen to me, I'm pretty good.
Right. And we also realized pretty early on that having these expectations ahead of time will usually result in disappointment. And so we started going into it with a lot less expectation of what was going to happen. You set your goals and you try to accomplish them, but you have to realize that there's other people that are interacting with that goal and it may not happen. And we've gone into a number of situations where we had the best intentions for how the evening was going to go, but it just didn't work that way.
We didn't find anybody there attractive, or the particular event was so spread out that it just didn't make any, you know, there was no way to connect with anybody. Yeah, the dynamics weren't there. Yeah, or people were way too drunk. We've seen that too.
Right right so almost anything can happen at an event and the important thing is that you guys are together and that you you can't be disappointed in each other exactly you got to be supportive of each other so in closing we talked about your pre-event preparation communication your pre-event pep talk your non-verbal signals your verbal phrases any kind of miscommunication signals and how to resolve those your non-verbal communication and the importance of your post-event wrap-up so hopefully with these tips you'll have a better first event or you'll be able to navigate some of these situations with your partner and to communicate your way out of situations or in to situations.
So it's important to have really good communication at an event and it could benefit both of you. Absolutely. Have fun and get out there. And go talk to some people. Woohoo. before you turn off our podcast to take care of all the vanilla things pulling you away, please reach out and give us a review. I am the first to admit that it is much easier to give a five-star rating, which we appreciate. But if you could take 43 seconds to type a review, we would love it.
If you want to share a personal story, ask us questions, or share your comments, please contact us at swingeruniversity at gmail.com or tweet us at swingerupodcast. Oh, one last thing before you go. If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review. It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. Visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review. All the instructions are there. Thank you for being part of this community. We'll see you again soon.
