Want to send us a message? In this podcast episode, we will be discussing the big shock that can come with having the first conversation about swinging with your partner. We ll dive into ways to bring up the topic and the importance of good communication to ensure that this discussion has a positive impact on your relationship. Ideally, a good foundation of communication, a healthy sex life, and a desire to spice things up are necessary. We ll also explore various ways to initiate the conversation such as using porn, hints, turn-ons/kinks, or even podcasts 😉. We emphasize that this conversation will test the strength of your relationship, challenge personal fears and insecurities, and require mental and emotional fortitude. It s important to be empathetic, reassuring, and to listen to your partner s response, whether it s a yes or a no. Ultimately, this conversation will be the start of many conversations and hopefully lead to a deeper understanding between you and your partner. If you re not ready to start this conversation, how will you have harder conversations in the future?Show NotesHow Do You Have That First Conversation?I m Afraid To Say What I Am ThinkingWhat s Your In ?Communicate, Communicate, CommunicateListening Skills Are CriticalBeing Okay With No Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
We have to talk about something we've been genuinely excited about for months, and our patrons actually got a preview of this already. Jamaica! Yes, we are going back, and actually, we have a great offer for you guys. Yeah, it's Swingcation. It's October 11th through the 18th at Hedonism 2. And if you don't know what Swingcation is, it's pretty easy. Swinger plus kink plus vacation. It's a hosted group with real structure, workshops, lectures, real conversations with experts who are passionate about bringing and bridging that gap between the swinger world and the kink world.
And we're not just going as attendees. We're going as featured presenters, which is exciting. We'll be leading sessions. So if you come, we actually get to hang out with you. Which brings up something we should mention. When you use our code, yes, we got a code, you're not just getting a discount. You're getting the signature swing experience, which means $100 off per person, up to $200 per room, but it also means that we make time for you. An exclusive breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, or one-hour and one time with us directly, plus more surprise benefits.
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And use our code at checkout. And you guys, if you have any questions about the event, the resort, or what to expect, just reach out. I mean, we're here for you. We're happy to help. So once again, ticketforplay.com forward slash Swinky, the code SwingerU-VIP. We really want to see you there. How do you have that first conversation with your partner about swinging? this could be a big shock to your partner and it will impact your relationship either in a negative or a positive way.
We are going to talk about the ways to bring up the topic, dive into those conversations, and discuss the importance of good communication. Welcome to Swinger University with Ed and Phoebe. communication. Well, how did we start the conversation? Ours was really centered around podcasts. Oh, go figure. Right. A little on the nose. Yeah. Ed was guilty. He was listening to podcasts.
I didn't know really a whole lot of podcasts and of course ed was listening to the sexy ones and he was listening to a podcast called sex is fun and they cover a wide range of topics and one of them happened to be on swinging so he brought it up to me and said oh my gosh about this thing. Like, have you heard of this? What do you think? That's when I shocked him. I was like, oh yeah, I know about that. I actually wanted to do that with my last boyfriend, but he said no. And years went by, and it just never came up. I got married again, and the topic never resurfaced.
But when I was in my 20s, heck yeah, I was all about discovery, wanting to explore, learn new relationship models. But then I just fell into the standard relationship model that most everybody has. Yeah. Good old fashioned monogamy. Yeah. So that opened the door and then we never turned back. Yeah. So we did a ton of listening to podcasts and a lot of self kind of discovery and soul searching, but that kind of came afterwards. That first conversation is what we're really talking about today, which is this is going to be a shocking thing.
You're springing something on a potential swinging partner. Maybe their mindset isn't there. Maybe they're not thinking about those kinds of things. Maybe they are thinking about those kinds of things. But you're taking a big leap of faith that admitting that you're thinking about it isn't going to break that dynamic, isn't going to break that relationship. Yeah, honestly, it's scarier than giving any kind of bad news. A death in the family, you know your partner's going to leave you. I mean, this has the potential of breaking your relationship. It's really close to admitting infidelity. Yes.
And some people will think of it that way. So, it's pretty scary. It's risky. It's risky. It's a risky move. Which is why, you know, how do you bring this up to your significant other, right? This is one of the things that we have as a question.
Like, how do you bring it up i i tried to be a little slick about it and say hey i was listening to a podcast it sounded curious right like it it played well because it was benign it wasn't me thinking about it per se right it was a podcast that had mentioned it so did this really happen or just make that shit up no it did really happen i was listening to a podcast but had mentioned it. So did this really happen or did it make that shit up? No, it did really happen. I was listening to a podcast, but I had talked about swinging with a previous partner. It just never happened. Right.
And there were tons of issues in that relationship that really would have been bad. Yeah. A lot of insecurities and a lot of issues. Right. And so I knew you and I were in a really good place and felt fairly safe bringing it up. Right. And ironically, we weren't even married. No. So the fact that you felt safe, and maybe that's because we didn't have anything to lose. That was part of it. And I knew that we were experimenting.
we were still learning about each other, and it was kind of in those formative weeks, months, when we had first gotten together, where it was kind of like, well, I can either tear the Band-Aid off now or wait and see.
Yeah, and we'd both been in sexless marriages for a period of time right and we'd both said to ourselves that's never gonna happen again so if this is gonna be the person then this is gonna be the person if it's not then i'm moving on because we were dedicated to never going back to that and exploring that type of pleasure in our lives and owning it and desiring it and having that. Yeah, and some of this kind of plays into having a good sense of what your partner likes and what they don't like.
And if they've got any kinks, you've probably had little hints that they might be leaning that direction. Your wife, for example, had a roommate in college and you knew that they kind of maybe dabbled a little bit with some extracurricular activities. Or, you know, you heard about crazy frat parties or any number of things. You know, hopefully some of that stuff has come out. You could call back up on those stories. They're like, remember that time in college when you and your girlfriend or you and your boyfriend did this kinky thing behind the bushes? Like, you know, do you miss those days?
Would you ever want to go back to that?
Like, what did about it yeah do you ever masturbate to it oh so having that kind of intuitive sense about your partner what they like or dislike some of that comes with knowing them for a long period of time and you've had some conversations or a few hot tub experiences with friends right that are kind of leaning you in that direction but sometimes you don't and we didn't we didn't have a long-standing relationship we didn't have 20 years of marriage and a couple kids and all that kind of stuff and i i almost think that it was there's the it can't break because it's too solid and we've been together for too long, or it's so new.
If it does break, it's not that hard to start over. Right. Not that I wanted to start over, but. Yeah. So, you know, ideally you're going to have that good foundation of communication. You're going to have a nice, healthy sex life and a desire to spice things up. Right. That's kind of the ideal situation. Yeah. So what would be your in to the conversation?
We alluded to, past experiences right college days podcasts a couple examples we threw out there um porn is a great conversation stimulator sure you know what kind of porn do you guys like to watch together do you watch porn together at all right why not you know what is that conversation you know um what do you like uh everyone has their preferences right so oh uh fantasies sure fantasies yeah have you had conversations about particular fantasies maybe a bucket list or things that you always wish you'd done but you never.
So if you've had those kinds of conversations with your partner and it's been things like, yeah, I've always wanted a threesome, that's obvious. Like at that point, you pretty much should just sign up for an event and go because it's pretty clear. But maybe it's more subtle. Maybe it's more like, I've always wondered what it'd be like to be with a stranger or have random sex. Those kinds of things. Does she read romance novels that deal with that kind of subject? Does he like to watch porn that deals with the best friend that comes over?
And more and more people are making sex a priority in their life. They're carving out that time for them and their partner. People are building sex rooms in their homes. And it's becoming a focus. They're taking adult vacations to get away. So you can go have that sexy time with your partner. It's not necessarily swinging. It's just fun and flirty. And maybe it's a topless vacation.
it's it's stimulating it sparks those conversations and it brings life back into your relationship so even if you don't go all the way to being a full-on swinger at least you're experiencing some new fun things about yourself and your partner yeah and it's interesting one One of the first signs that I got from you was when we were walking through the mall and both of us were kind of admiring the women in the mall.
And I knew at that point it was pretty safe to start talking about some of this stuff because you'd already said, hey, check her butt out to me, which is a pretty good sign that I could talk about that and not get slapped kind of thing, right? Yes. And sexy conversations with friends, too, right?
Sometimes you've got those friendships where things kind of start to progress that way get a little spicy yeah and then you alluded to the whole hot tub thing where people find themselves in hot tubs we were just talking to some of our our good friends steamy romantics where they started out uh just kind of doing these haphazard things, you know. It was a vanilla barbecue with friends. They all landed in a hot tub. Some, you know, some magical fun happened that night. And then they wake up the next day and go, oh, wasn't that kind of stupid? And they just move on. And then it happens again.
And then it happens again.
But they didn't have a label for it, right yeah it was just kind of how they did their relationship we have heard that from quite a few couples i wouldn't say a majority or or minority but it's been a handful of them that have talked about being in a hot tub with another couple and basically playing you know random seat change kind of game yes where other partners end up sitting next to other partners and you know things happen in hot tubs things come up yeah you could also talk about the turn-ons and kinks i think that we covered that a little bit already right um and and you can dive deeper into that ask about you know do you like to be.
Do you like, do you only like to be a voyeur? Right. So. Yeah. Do you have fantasies about public sex? Does your partner talk about doing sex in risky places? It's a good sign that they might actually like to be at a party and be watched having sex with you, which is perfectly, perfectly good segue into trying out the lifestyle. Yeah. And, and, you know, maybe, maybe you're walking down the street in the morning, you're taking a walk. It's a nice spring day. This is what always happened to me in this particular neighborhood.
I would always like to take my walk in the morning in this particular neighborhood because there is a few neighbors that were very frisky in the morning and it's quiet in the morning and so the the sound really carries through those open windows and so as I'm walking I conveniently you know bend down to tie my shoes or take a water break at these particular houses along the way because why it was crazy hot to listen to oh yeah absolutely they didn't know what was going on i was just tying my shoes well they were busy they had no idea what was going on outside and we've been at a number of hotels and listen to the neighbors having sex which is has always been hot for me and has since we've been in the lifestyle ended up with lots of fun friend adventures with neighbors at the hotel so if you have any walking with your partner down the street at the same time you stop to listen and she smacks you on the head with her hat that's a bad sign that might be your sign you might just need to move on you'll need to be prepared for a lot of conversation you will be having more conversations with your partner than you've ever had at any time in your life it's like wedding planning times 10 yeah yeah the the beginning stages there's a lot of discussing your insecurities, working through the reasons of why you're thinking about it, explaining that you're not, you know, you're not looking for a replacement wife.
It's more about, I just find this exciting. It's sexually stimulating for me. What do you think? And sometimes you may not know the full depth of that insecurity. Maybe you know it as an apple, right? You tell your spouse, you know, I think this is what it is. It's an apple.
And it makes makes sense to you at the time but maybe you do some journaling labor on because it's kind of bothering you and all of a sudden you discover that there's some deeper things maybe in your past from your upbringing that that really is the deep core truth of it all sure and now you've got to share that rawness with your partner right and you never had to why because it just really never came up I'm sorry. I'm partner. Right. And you never had to. Why? Because it just really never came up. Okay. Can we talk about October for a second? Oh my God. Yeah. I've been waiting for this.
We were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six star crystal crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples and it sails from montreal to boston during the peak foliage season i'm super excited and honestly i'm really nervous yeah it's kind of a version of like a swinger ted talk that we're gonna have to do oh my god i know and more importantly if you know the brand it's llv luxury lifestyle vacations you may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats this ship the crystal symphony is classy butler service for every single room, Michelin rated restaurants, full spa, clothing optional, sensual playrooms, like everything, theme nights and international DJ.
So it's luxury and nudity. Oh man, this is going to be great. The bottom line is we want you there with us. It's 310 couples. And like all their vacations, they book up fast. They really do. Their vacations are extremely popular. So please come with us. And in order to find it, all you have to do is go to our swingerlinks.com and look for the LLV Sensual Voyage. We hope you'll join us. And that goes to the concept in swinging that if you have any kinds of small micro fractures in your relationship. Just little hairline cracks, the lifestyle will put pressure on your relationship.
It will magnify those cracks and potentially break it. Now, it's also an opportunity to kind of bend it and heal from it and grow from it. Right. But it's going to put additional stress on the relationship because you're going to be confronted with things that you've never had to deal with. Think about that first vacation you take with your spouse. Well, it's bigger than that. It's more impactful than that. Right. And not just a relationship, but your personal journey individually. Yeah. Right. So here you are cruising along in life. You're super happy with where you are. You're mid-40s.
Say, you know, like the kids are gone. You're like, yeah, I figured my stuff out, right? Finally, I'm not in my 20s. I'm not all chaotic. I got my ducks in a row. I like who I am. And all of a sudden, stuff comes out of the woodwork and you're like, what the heck is that? Right? You have to be prepared for that. It will make you a better, richer, more full, loving individual. The things in your past will come out. Things you didn't know were there will come out. And you just have to be prepared for that journey. One of the nice things is you and your partner can help work through those things.
And so if it was stressful or it was challenging for you, you now have a partner to help you through it. So that's actually one of the really cool things about the relationship growing through this process. You're going to help each other, and you're going to have those conversations which will strengthen not only the relationship, but your own personal sense of self. Right. And right now, it's really great because there's so many websites, podcasts, sex educators sex counselors that are that that are informed about ethical non-monogamy that are there to support you and counsel you.
So if you need that support, they're really there and you can do it virtual for a lot of them. So it's really, really nice. Sex coaches too. Yeah. And we've talked to a few of them and had couples come in and talk about we're thinking about engaging in ethical non-monogamy help us through that process we have questions we're trying to understand this and they'll give you tools to have conversations about things yeah so if you're if you've kind of gotten past that first initial shock and you picked your jaw up off the table and you go, hmm, this might be interesting, but I have questions. Yes.
Engage with a counselor or a coach and they can help you work through some of those things. Yeah.
nice to have a third party walk you through uh let's see you will probably need to be prepared for spending more money yes on travel and new outfits and new shoes and nights out on the town nights out on the town trips to other towns to go visit their clubs and resorts and potentially new vacations in mexico or in costa rica yes yes all of that stuff it really starts to add up because every house party is 60 or 80 bucks and you know every weekend getaway is at least 500 yeah minimum so i mean and then if you're flying then you know you know how that goes so potentially babysitters and oh yes all that kind of additional expense it's not cheap no it's a commitment but it's worth it.
And there's a lot of benefits to it. And just the ones that we've outlined here are amazing. And it's a fun hobby. Yes. So, like we mentioned before, it will test your relationship with the cracks. You know, those hairline cracks that Ed mentioned. So, be prepared. It it's going to test you and it may challenge every single belief you have about monogamous relationship and you will start communicating in a different way and you're going to feel more vulnerable so be prepared for that you will confront your fears and insecurities which we about.
And you will have your mental and emotional fortitude challenged. Yeah. And for me, I had a rough upbringing and I even went to parochial school. Yes, I wore the socks and the plaid skirt and the white shirt. She looks very good in them, too. Now I have an updated version. Much sexier. So there was a lot of deprogramming that I needed to go through. And I thought I had that all covered in my 20s. Because in my 20s, I really didn't party.
I was all about unlearning and deprogramming from my past so I thought my stuff was all buttoned up and along comes you and our fun you know adventure into this lifestyle and it it it did bring up some challenges and I was honestly I was um I was angry about it because I liked who I was I was happy with where I was at and I didn't want to analyze some of that stuff and it forced me to analyze some of the stuff well and you'd also gotten to a point where you said I finally got through all of that stuff and I've sorted out my business.
And then a whole new stack of business got stacked in front of you. And so now you have different things. So you'd solved all of your problems to get to monogamous and then non-monogamy came in and threw you a whole different set of challenges. It's like tax season came and went and then came right back a month later. Right, right. Yeah, that was...
set of challenges it's like tax season came and went and then came right back a month later right right yeah that wasn't fun but i have growth and all kinds of opportunities that um came from that growth um and our relationship definitely has grown stronger because of it and i think our communication has has been amazing yes and it's taught us tools and given us opportunities to have conversations about sexuality that we probably never would have had nope never made discoveries about sexuality that i didn't know yeah never would have ever. So it's important to brace for the no.
So we're painting a very rosy picture here where it all works out well. And 10 years later, you're doing a podcast and everything's fun, but it doesn't always end this way. A lot of times your partner will say no.
And we've gotten letters from listeners who who said how do i convince my wife to say yes how do i convince my wife to become a swinger and the long and short of it is if she's not ready or he's not ready it's not going to happen and forcing it is that's not going to be good to say that right those are those gentle conversations that you continue and delicately have with your partner we we we have a good set of friends that are on a very slow journey he's very patient with her and right they they're just going at their pace, you know but also you know maybe you can have start having those conversations or have a negotiation to go talk with a sex therapist or a you know sex positive counselor where you you want to you know kind of open that door and it is a safe space to do that right so and think a little bit about why they're saying no to some of this is empathy and kind of understanding their position but also consider that there's a reason why they're saying it there's a reason why they're concerned about your relationship going into this new chapter.
They may have some really good reasons that you hadn't considered, or they may be aware of feelings that they have inside that they haven't expressed to you yet. So, there's some reason why they're saying no, and you may need to do some introspection with them to figure that out. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
also remember it's not about replacing one another it's not about fixing your relationship it's a journey that you embark on together it's really a wonderful experience and if you can get to that place where you go past the partying and go past the sex and you get to that place of compersion where you honestly, truly feel love and joy from seeing your partner, experiencing pleasure, that is really the key. Like many things in life, if you're not ready to start this conversation, how will you have those harder conversations about kissing other people or watching your partner have sex with them?
This conversation will be the start of many conversations and hopefully a deeper understanding between you and your partner. Oh. Oh, one last thing before you go. If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review. It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. Visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review. All the instructions are there. Thank you for being part of this community. We'll see you again soon.
