Want to send us a message? Many people aren t experiencing the pleasure they want in the bedroom, simply because they don t know how to ask for it. Do you ask for pleasure? How do you ask for it? You might be surprised by some of the simple techniques we discovered from Renée Yvonne, a Sex Therapy Coach from www.thegensexologist.comSHOW NOTES:00:00 - Start00:02 - Introduction - Renee Yvonne01:15 - Renée s Work01:36 - How to ask for what you want in bed03:06 - Having a voice in the bedroom04:48 - Asking for what you want05:36 - When to have the conversation06:09 - Yes, No... Maybe07:30 - Pick a playtime out of a bowl08:41 - Planning a date night10:10 - Why do women feel like they can t ask for what they want?13:18 - Orgasm gap and porn14:43 - How can men support women better?17:40 - Women explore your sexual zones20:49 - Quiet quitting22:00 - Great workshops for couples26:46 - Wrap upRenée s Links:Renée Yvonne: www.thegensexologist.comGenexypodcast: https://anchor.fm/gensexypodcastRenée Yvonne IG: @thegensexologistHow to Tell Them What You Want When in Bed… Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
We have to talk about something we've been genuinely excited about for months, and our patrons actually got a preview of this already. Jamaica! Yes, we are going back, and actually, we have a great offer for you guys. Yeah, it's Swingcation. It's October 11th through the 18th at Hedonism 2. And if you don't know what Swingcation is, it's pretty easy. Swinger plus kink plus vacation. It's a hosted group with real structure, workshops, lectures, real conversations with experts who are passionate about bringing and bridging that gap between the swinger world and the kink world.
And we're not just going as attendees. We're going as featured presenters, which is exciting. We'll be leading sessions. So if you come, we actually get to hang out with you. Which brings up something we should mention. When you use our code, yes, we got a code, you're not just getting a discount. You're getting the signature swing experience, which means $100 off per person, up to $200 per room, but it also means that we make time for you. An exclusive breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, or one-hour and one time with us directly, plus more surprise benefits.
Here's something that's really unique. You could actually contribute by hosting a discussion or running a Skillshare. I know it's scary, but if you have something that you want to contribute, that's a big part of why this event is so special. Everyone there has something to bring to the table. All right, details. If you book before April 25th, you save $400. Plus, they gave us that special code that gets you an additional $200, and the special code is SWINGERU-VIP. So book through TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinky. That's T-I-C-K-E-T, the number four, play.com forward slash S-W-I-N-K-Y.
And use our code at checkout. And you guys, if you have any questions about the event, the resort, or what to expect, just reach out. I mean, we're here for you. We're happy to help. So once again, TicketForPlay.com forward slash Swinky, the code SWINGERU-VIP. We really want to see you there. Welcome. This is Phoebe. And this is Ed. Today we are interviewing Renee Yvonne, a certified clinical sexologist, because we want to share with you how to ask for what you want in the bedroom.
After Ed and I have been in the lifestyle for more than 10 years, I've learned that asking for what I want is not only sexy, but fulfilling. Welcome to Swinger University with Ed and Phoebe. here's what you need to know about our sexy guest she's very passionate about helping gen xers reignite the spark in their bedrooms better communicate their sexual needs and bring back that wild and pleasurable sex with your partner. She studied at Sex Coach U and the Tantric Institute of Integrated Sexuality. For fun and her personal enjoyment, she likes to cook, bike, swim, and do aerial yoga.
She has a website, podcast, and blog, so we will put all that information in her notes for this episode. Welcome. Welcome, Renee. Hi, thanks for having me. Thank you very much. and blog so we will put all that information in our notes for this episode welcome welcome renee hi thanks for having me we're super excited to talk to you today so i absolutely love your articles how to tell them what you want in bed uh quiet quitting and the seven role. And, and whether you're in an open relationship or not, these articles are gold.
So I'm really fascinated with this, how to tell them what you want in bed. So can you, can you just launch into that? Tell us more about this. Sure. So I started thinking about that because I think in our industry, we talk a lot about talking about things outside the bedroom, which in some cases you need to do. Like you shouldn't be in the middle of sex life. So let's have this conversation about all these things I want to do.
right um but sometimes you're right in the middle of sex play and something is being done to you that you don't want or enjoy or doesn't feel good and sometimes we just suffer through it we're just like okay i'll just put up with this hopefully this will be over soon i have some other do. And instead of doing that, we should just speak up and you don't have to, you know, you don't have to be mean about it. Like, I wish you stopped doing that. I hate it. But you can direct them to say, you know, it really feels better when you do this. Then, you know, I really like when you touch me this way.
I really really love it it makes me come when you do this and that way you're having that conversation instead of you know just enduring it because we shouldn't be enduring sex sex should be enjoyable it should be fun it should be juicy and exciting it shouldn't be like can't wait till this is over so I can this is be. Right. Exactly. So then what if you're not used to having a voice in the bedroom? What if you're feeling shy or you never really, you're not the person to even make vocal sounds when you're in bed?
How do you get to that point where you feel comfortable actually voicing something to your partner? That's a good, that's a great question. I think sometimes what I tell people is to, to practice saying it, like really practice saying it.
So the next time you're in that situation, especially if you're with a partner you're with for a while, but to just practice saying it in the mirror, you know i really like when you do this and again it's not a criticism so it's not i hate when you do that it's more i like when this happens um sometimes what you can do is is show them what you like and so you can take a night and just say and if you're comfortable and if you say this this can be maybe a little harder if you're shy about it. But if you can show them what you like, touch yourself in a way that they can see it.
Like instead of doing something really fast, like to slow it down, you can also just say that. I like it when it's slower. I want you to, can you speed it up a little bit? And doing it that way can also help to, for the person who's a little shy, a little nervous about it, to just kind of practice saying it and then to actually say it when you're in that situation. Right. I like that. Yeah, a little self-role play, kind of getting yourself into that mind space of being able to just verbalize that, say those things to yourself, helps you to be comfortable with just getting the words out. Yes.
I know when I started asking for what I wanted, I would use very short words like slower or faster or harder or softer, right? Because I was kind of formulating a sentence seemed too mentally challenging at the time because you're you're focusing on other things. And it almost kind of took me out of my, you know, my body and I didn't want to get into a mental space about it. So I started off that way and that seemed to really help.
Yeah, it's like you don't have to have a full-blownown conversation yeah like stop for a moment let's let's you know discuss all the things slower or faster like that that works too so then for more complicated things like what if you want to you know introduce a toy or a totally different technique or position? Are those the conversations that are best for the bedroom? Would you recommend having that in a sexy space? It depends. So, yes, it could be done in a sexy space. It could. That also could be done outside the bedroom.
So that it depends on what you're asking them to do so for instance one of the things i like to do with couples is and this these are all over the internet but there's um they're called yes no maybe list and so what i like to do is give give each person a yes no maybe list and they fill it out so it has like a whole list of sexual it's a sexual menu of things you could just pick from all types of things and so you go down the list and you you choose one you choose which one and you say yes no or maybe to it and then whether you want to give or receive so you might you may say anal sex and you're like okay i'd like to receive it maybe it, maybe not give that to the person.
And then you have comments. And so your comments could be, you know, I'm willing to try this in the next couple of weeks or only on the weekends because we don't have a lot of time. You know, like something like that. Right. Right. You know, we need a lot of lube or, you know, whatever it is. And so you put that down and you go through the list and then you share the list. You share the list and you say, well, so this person likes, you know, definitely doesn't want to do any type of hair pulling. And then the other person may say, well, I don't want to do any type of anal.
So when you're in the bed, there's no surprises. So if you know your partner doesn't want to do anything around their butt, you don't even have to have that conversation because you already know it's enough. Nice. There's a maybe. What I like to tell couples to do is if you have any maybes and they're similar or the other person doesn't have a hard no, like one's a maybe, one's a yes, one's a maybe, the other's a maybe.
What you do, what I like to do is tell them like write these down put them in a a hat a jar or something something you have time and you're just like let's do something different pull one out and then try it so you kind of had the conversation without having the conversation very nice yeah and that that random chance is also kind of sexy because you never know what you're going to get that night. I like that. I like that.
And I like that technique also for starting the conversation about swinging maybe, or opening up your relationship if you wanted to introduce, um, your sexual experiences in that way where one partner is going to definitely have different ideas than you are usually you aren't ever on the same page someone's going to want something that you're not but or think of something that maybe you didn't think of that right is intriguing right so that list is really nice the other thing that's cool about the list is that you can um as you're going through it it's a nice way to plan a date night a sexy date night and so people often say like oh it's not you know it's not romantic and you know to plan dates like date nights i'm like well or to plan sex i'm like well you can have no sex or you can plan to have sex so it's not just gonna happen like the movies said that just believing like we all come in from dinner and we're all like oh my god i can't get the clothes off and that's really what happened right and so oftentimes you need to plan a night like that especially if you have younger kids or other people in your home or you're just tired you're just kind of been past each other and so if you pull one out let's say on monday you plan to have like, we're busy all week, Thursday, nine o'clock.
That's all we're doing is having sex. And so you can, you have the time to plan it. So if you pull out a maybe and it's like, oh, okay, we have to, we have to get things for this. Like, let's say you want to try toys, but you don't have any toys. I've got to go buy toys. We've got to go buy the toys. We've got one toy to buy, and maybe that's the date. We can go to a shop. We find it.
have any toys i'm gonna go buy toys we gotta go buy the toys we gotta go to buy and maybe that's the date we go to a go to a shop we find a toy that we both like that we want to try out and then we try the toy out and so you need to plan that that's not when you pull out on thursday night like oh we don't have any toys so it helps you to plan date night which is always fun like that that sounds a lot I like that it's like a lot of fun so so what what can you know a partner do I mean well maybe I'll ask this question first why do you think women don't feel like they can ask for what they want in the bedroom what is that I think that's a couple of things I think um I think some of it is us wanting to be the good girl there's a lot of that that you know we've been taught to kind of be that whatever um parents religion television media whatever it's kind of told us like we're supposed to be good we're supposed to be pursued we're not supposed to want to have sex and so then we don't ask for it we're just kind of playing the damsel like oh he's just taking it from me um and sometimes it's that like you don't want to take responsibility for it like i don't want to admit that i want this um so you're just kind of in a space of he wants it and I'm just kind of going along for the ride.
So we don't ask. And I think another is because we haven't explored our bodies. Don't know what to ask for when we're in bed because we don't know what feels good to us.
We partially because of the other two, because sometimes we just kind of literally lay down and just received and taken it and not participated and so we don't know what we want and then we don't know what to ask for because of that and i think um towards the end is that nobody teaches us any about sex we all kind of learn about sex from porn and our friends who also don't know anything about sex right right nobody knows what they're doing so um which is why i love this way so i think it's a conglomeration of all of that yeah that's so true i completely forgot about that part of it.
It's that dam in distress oh lay down oh take me you know all the romance novels right you know I'm going to be taken and then yeah and self-exploration for me as a as a teenager wasn't what people are doing today it wasn't talked about it wasn't okay of course it was always you know dirty and secret and you know you're you're going to have you know someplace evil and all of that right um so yeah I also think that we as women are taught to be people pleasers and that, you know, everyone else comes first and we got to give, and we can't just, you know, be selfish and take care of our own selves, put us first.
And we're really, we should be doing that in our relationship in order to be a good partner and be a good parent, um, to put ourselves first so that we're there for those individuals that we love and care for on a daily basis. And we're just, you know, Thank you. and be a good parent to put ourselves first so that we're there for those individuals that we love and care for on a daily basis. And we're just, you know, we aren't, we aren't taught to do that. Right. And so then that transitions into the bedroom and you're, you're just not putting yourself first again. Right. That's right.
Cause then when you notice in, in most porn and most traditional form, the sex is the, the pleasure is really about the guy. The woman is just kind of there to provide it. It's rare that you see that it's also for the woman. If she happens to have an orgasm, it's like a bonus, but that's not. So I think when you're, when you see that, that's kind of, that's kind of how we learned about sex.
It's like, I to be here to make to please him and he's supposed to come and if i happen to come yay but if i don't that's okay too you know that's kind of how porn is set up right i know that's so true and and that's the reason why i hated watching porn for many many years because because of that it was so-sided. And only recently we found some really great porn sites that focus on that true pleasure between both people. And you can tell it's real. I mean, I've gotten really good at spotting the fake stuff because I've faked it because I know what that looks like.
And then I've gotten really good at spotting the real stuff because I know what that looks like so when I see the real orgasms on in porn I'm just I'm loving it because it's it's real it's not fake right so nice you wanted to flip it on the men yeah I want to flip it on the men Um,. I want to flip it on the men.
Um, what are some things that men can do to encourage women to use their voice or at least open up the conversation so that they feel like they're supporting their women in asking for pleasure okay can we talk about october for a second oh my god yeah i've been waiting for this we were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six-star crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples and it sails from montreal to boston during the peak foliage season i'm super excited and honestly i'm really nervous yeah it's kind of a version of like a swinger ted talk that we're gonna have to do oh my god i know and more importantly if you know theV, Luxury Lifestyle Vacations.
You may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats. This ship, the Crystal Symphony, is classy. Butler service for every single room, Michelin rated restaurants, full spa, clothing optional, sensual playrooms, like everything, theme nights and international DJ. So it's luxury and nudity. Oh, man, this is going to be great. The bottom line is we want you there with us. It's 310 couples. And like all their vacations, they book up fast. They really do. Their vacations are extremely popular. So please come with us.
And in order to find it, all you have to do is go to ourswingerlinks.com and look for the LLV Sensual Voyage. We hope you'll join us. Oh, um, I think one of the things I, I'm a big fan of checking in, not interrogating, but just really kind of checking in in the middle of a sex play to just kind of see how does something feel to that, to your partner. And so it doesn't have to be everything you do.
do like does this feel good just like you don't want to do that weird but but every now and then you just want to say like does that does that feel good to you should i you know should i change positions do you want it softer harder um more pressure less pressure and that way that that shows that you care you really want her to enjoy that experience and so that's one way another way and this is a little it's a little bit more out there but um is if you're ever playing in in the bdsm realm and realm and kink this is a great way to begin communication because you have to communicate up front what your hard stops are what your uh your safe word is you you have to communicate through that when you set up any type of scene and so that's another one if you want to go a little bit on the you know on the wilder side if you will but um that's always going to be communication in that and so that's another way so and it doesn't have to be major like i think sometimes people think, they're like, it's going to be this dungeon.
I'm going to be hooked up to someone, a ball gag in my mouth. It's going to be like spanking me all over the place, but it could just literally be handcuffs. And so if you just, you know, a silk tie and handcuffs, but you need to talk about that. Like, is this too tight? You know, your arms tired when they're up here, do you want them behind you? Like you have to communicate those things so that you and your partner are in the same place and both enjoying the experience. Nice. Right.
Because you could have some childhood trauma related to being tied up or spanked, you know, corporal punishment, you know, and you don't know or you know know that's not going to be, you know, a good thing for you. Right. And I think that that list that you had mentioned earlier would be pretty helpful, especially in that situation where you could kind of know what's on the naughty or nice list, so to speak, what people are looking for. Right.
One of the techniques that we've tried to get into is at the beginning of a play session, just talking to the other person about what they enjoy and what are the kinds of things that they like to try in the bedroom with new partners. And it's that same kind of thing where you're kind of opening up and asking for them to tell you up front.
And for us, I remembered I really liked what you said renee about do you like this because i think in the beginning you would ask me what do you want and that was too much pressure because right and then i was in my head i don't know what i want blah right and so he would just do something and do you like this and then i go and then i could respond faster harder slower you know with one words yeah and that's all i could do at the time until i you know started to gain confidence asking and you know exploring in that which was very empowering very empowering because you haven't if you haven't explored your body like for women it's very different like men's men's genitals are out there right so they can just see it play with it whatever ours are internal and often we're told not to touch it if you ask most women like i like to do this when i um i teach some of my workshops i usually ask the women, like, what did your mother or your grandmother tell you to call that part?
And I've gotten everything from nothing, like they just literally nothing, to all kinds of names, Monkey, Orange, and Pocketbook, and all these crazy names. So we don't even have a shared name for it. Wow. You're told not to touch it because, you know, it's dirty or it's, you know, you know, there's all these things, there's all this mystique around it. So if you never touch it and you don't look at it, because we also aren't taught to look at it, you don't touch it or look at it, you don't know what feels good to you until somebody else, you know, touches it at some point.
Right point right and even you're not sure how to communicate because you're like well maybe this is how it's supposed to feel right i don't like but maybe it's okay you know you don't know till you till you do it yourself yeah i just say explore for that one to ask what you want definitely explore your body be open to just be open I probably just ended there be open to, be open, I probably just ended there, be open to what pleasure your body can experience, so sometimes we've, you know, we've learned or heard things about all kinds of just stuff all over the internet, and maybe we're feeling like, you know, I don't know if I should touch myself there, I don't want to put something there, or that sounds or that sounds like it would hurt you know be open to it you don't ever have to do it again if you don't like it like that's one thing i like to tell people like i've tried um the electro stem the uh yeah i tried the wand and i was like yeah i'm not really feeling this i don't ever have to do married to it.
I'm not like, if somebody shows up one, I can say, you know, I'm good on that. But there are other things that I've tried and I'm like, I didn't think I would like it. And you try something else and you're like, oh my God, I want to do this every single day. I'll be open because you don't know, you don't know what will feel good to you until you try it.
If it doesn't feel good, just put it on your, i'm not doing that again list like right yeah right yeah and the quiet quitting that i think as i'm remembering the article now that's really just people just quitting sex and just kind of giving up right because they're not having that communication and they've just let their sex life die yeah they're kind of just doing the the bare minimum um and not not exploring so it can be like you you know you've been together for a while you know if you do you know a b c that person's gonna come right right so you never explore out and try maybe the electro stem you never you know you never go out and say you know let's try vlogging let me try to you know handcuff you because you know if you do this this and this it's good we're all good but one one or both of you could be bored with it right because you know exactly how it's going to go you know how long it's going to last Thank you.
it's good. We're all good. But one, one or both of you could be bored with it. Right. Because you know exactly how it's going to go. You know how long it's going to last. You can, you know, you can count the pumps. Like you just know exactly. Three, four, one. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. So for your workshops, how, how do those work? Talk a little bit about the workshops that you offer. Oh, sure. So, um, so my most, my most common one is, um, blow his mind.
It's a workshop on oral sex for men is the one it's, it's really interesting because the, most of the women that come say that they are there because their partner would like them to learn more techniques or they or their partner really likes oral sex. And they're like, man, he really wants it. So they want to learn some techniques. So that's the most popular one. i teach a companion class called How to Eat Cake. It's for women. And I've had three men. And I laugh about this all the time because I'm like, I know there are men out here that should be taking this course. So that was funny.
So it's not the most popular. I teach one on cake. It's the beginning BDSM workshop. That is a lot of fun. It's best done in person. I do virtual. Most of my workshops are virtual, but this one's best done in person because I have lots of props and things for people to try. You just can't do that. Right. Yeah. I teach one called Sex and Seduction. It's kind of a beginner's workshop on how to seduce your partner, a little bit on Dirty Talk. And then just learning what seduction is.
It's really about expanding your definition of sex and sexuality, because I really like to look at it more as pleasure as opposed to intercourse. And so if people can kind of get out of the frame of mind and it has to be intercourse, they can open their mind to there is pleasure all over your body that you can experience. Yeah. Orgasmic bliss. Yeah. Yeah. I like that.
I like that a lot lot and i and i i almost wonder if a lot of people get into swinging because they they haven't maybe explored those those different realms with their partner and they're looking for something else to kind of spice up their sex play and they discover the swinging world and all the, gosh, the multiple of things that you can do while you're swinging. Although I will say there are a lot of people that we run into that have explored numerous things in the bedroom, and then they come into swinging, bringing those tips and tricks and skills and whatnot. But we've had play sessions.
It's just soft swap.
It's just nothing but exploration of bodies with hands and mouths, and there is no intercourse, and it was the most amazing amazing experience ever so that's what we love about this lifestyle and educating people about sexual pleasure it's it's um you know it's it's endless what you can experience it is it really is uh it's so much fun to open people's minds to that in workshops because, because everyone, because most of the people that come to me have been, they're very, I guess, I don't want to say closed, but, you know, it's just that mindset of like, there's oral sex, there's intercourse, there's oral sex, there's intercourse.
And so when you kind of open it up to like, have you ever just taken just taken an evening and just giving your partner a massage and just touch them in a variety of ways with a variety of things? So, you know, your hands or maybe you take, you know, you may take a paddle or a spatula. You usually have a spatula in the house, you know, and like, you know, just kind of tap them with it and see how that feels something that's kind of kind of sharp and run that down their body. And then something that's cool and something that's hot.
Like when you you know, when you kind of play in that realm, people don't realize like there's all these other erogenous zones on their body because they've just gone straight for the genitals because they know that works. Like I know if I go there, it works. But if you find out like your elbow has these erosive stones or that person has, you know, the spine is like the thing that makes them go like that. Like it's a whole different world. It opens up so much more pleasure than just going straight for the genitals. You have all these other things in your toolbox. That's what I love about it.
Yes. Yes, definitely. All right, everyone. Well, we hope you love today's podcast and YouTube video interview with Renee. If you want to check out her website, in fact, I encourage you to check out her website. She's got a great blog. She has a podcast as well, and really amazing workshops that we talked about in this episode, as well as coaching services and sexy store products, very sexy store products. We have all those links for you in our show notes. Thank you so much, Renee, for being on our show. It was a great, great pleasure. Thank you for having me. I've enjoyed it.
Those are great questions, too. Thank you for picking those out so I could share some of those most important things. Yay! Fantastic. Thanks, Renee. Thank you. Oh, one last thing before you go. So if this episode helped you in any way the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review it takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education and we've made it easy visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review all the instructions are there Thank you. And we've made it easy.
Visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review. All the instructions are there. Thank you for being part of this community. We'll see you again soon.
