Want to send us a message? How do you come back from an experience where one partner feels the other crossed the line in the lifestyle? We share a personal story, why it can occur and how you come back together after. SHOW NOTES: Why Does It Happen? Uninhibited: chemical, libations, hormones Miscommunication: verbal, non-verbal, codes Not on the same page: conservative, enthusiastic Temptations by another Unconsidered situation Innocent reason Nefarious reason Unknown reaction How Do You Come Back? Growing Opportunity Compassion Communication Responsibility Appreciation Re-establish trust: understanding, step-back, reconnect, communicate, patience, needs, new rules, clarity, priorities Support the showWant More?👀 Watch on YouTube: YouTube ShowFull video versions and interactive live episodes!Bonus episodes, exclusive content, and 🌶️Extras: https://www.patreon.com/SwingerUniversity 🛳️🎉Looking for lifestyle events in your area? T4P is the go-to directory for clubs, parties, and resort events. Browse now at Ticket4Play.com Custom SU T-shirts and gear: Our Amazon StoreSwingerLinks.com - live schedule, special offers*, and our 🌶️links!Our Website - Leave us a message, articles, and sexy products3 Ways to get your question on our show:RECORD it on our website at: https://swingeruniversity.com/contact/EMAIL a recorded voice note to: [email protected]: (916) 538-0482 and leave a voicemail.* We get a commission if you decide to purchase through our links, at no cost to you.
Transcript
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You're listening to Swinger University with Ed and Phoebe taking you back to those experimental years here are your hosts Ed and Phoebe hello this is Ed and this is Phoebe today today we're talking about crossing the line how do you come back from an experience where one partner feels the other crossed the line or broke a rule we share at least one personal story why it can, and how you can come back after that. Yes. So we will start with our story first. Story time. Story time. So Ed and I were playing with a couple that we, and we decided to host.
I think this was our very first hosted couple at our place. And, I mean, the evening was going really well. We had appetizers. We had a lot of drinks. And the other wife really liked her drinks. And she liked pouring Ed a lot of drinks.
And youall know what happens when someone else pours your drink right you can't keep track so ed got a little more flirty than normal because the flirt increases that's what happens with me when i drink yes so of course ed cannot refuse this beautiful woman and the alcohol and you know so things got going and the reason i was saying that is it's kind of a precursor to what happened is you know sex continued it started in the living room it went to the bedroom and then it occurred in other rooms of the house sometimes with bb sometimes without yeah so this was this was a a a rule of ours that that was broken because we always have sex in the same room why because we like to watch each other yes we really enjoy that part of it it's very exciting to connect with one another to play off each other's emotions and facial expressions and excitement it's extremely hot and so when i you know was done having my orgasm i look up and i'm like where's ed ed's gone poof sounds and sounds in the other parts of the house so you know wasn't a big deal in the moment it was a little disconcerting i remember feeling feeling a little like oh well i'm not sure how i feel about that and but it wasn't like a deal breaker to ruin the night right right however it did create a situation where it did warrant some discussion the day after two days after after you know all the hormones die down right for both of us right and it it was digesting what had happened understanding what had happened getting some perspective on you know what happened uh maybe some of the reasons why it had happened and then figuring out strategy right and and then discovering why that was uncomfortable for me and why some weird little feelings came up about that right which i didn't expect um because i was very comfortable with this couple i was very comfortable with the evening we had we we've we know them so it it wasn't you know a one night stand so you know it was a little i was a little i i guess taken aback by my reaction so that was interesting to me to have to explore that now in a a similar vein of maybe people not being on the same page, one of our earliest, maybe our first experience in the lifestyle was with a particular couple.
And pretty much every time we ran into them. They were in two different places at the same time. They never seemed to be on the same page. And then we started noticing some of the fighting that was going on as a result of this strange behavior. They eventually got divorced, we found out later but he wasn't on the same page as her they had different reasons and different motivations for the lifestyle yeah and to clarify we were starting to travel in a group of swingers that would frequently go out to nightclubs together and go do things together, small house parties, etc.
So that's where we started to see them. And us being so new, we thought they were very advanced because they were constantly apart from one another. And some couples are, and that's how they choose to play they they spend the evening mostly away from one another they gather their dates and then they bring them together which is also a fun strategy so we started off being a little jealous and then we realized wait a minute it's wait that's not what it looks like crying in the bathroom something happen the bathroom. Something happened. Yeah.
So, you know, less than 18 months later, the life of a swinger, they were, you know. Gone. Gone. Out. Split up, divorced, on to other partners. So it can go two different ways. And let's get into some of those reasons why it happens. Yes. We'll see you next time.
two different ways and let's let's get into some of those reasons why it happens yes now we are going to approach it from the perspective of us right you know very dedicated very loyal extreme amount of trust and not getting into the lifestyle to fix anything this is just our cherry on top right yeah we're the only things we're fixing is our orgasm list right so why does it happen you can have you know uninhibited influences right you drank too much you smoked too much you ingested something right um so you know you're under the influence so your inhibitions are not there right um hormones are up inhibitions are down yep things kind of progress very quickly when you're in that state right miscommunication is a big part of it you misread the signal this happened a lot with ed and i because we tried to come up with a signal we learned oh this is the thing right you have to have a signal right oh the the triple squeeze meant run very fast in the opposite direction not make a move dang it we always screwed that up we couldn't get it we couldn't get our signal our our thing that worked well for us we didn't try morse code we should yeah we should have resorted to morse code or or some other language maybe but our trick has been don't try to be subtle and sly with some hidden secret under the table whispered half clue thing because you never know how that's going to go but just to say straight up to each other okay this is what i'm thinking and everybody can just level the playing field right there yeah i mean the signal has worked on you know drink dates when you're like they're going a little too long it can work they get a little tricky um but we tend not to go on drink dates very often because it's just yeah they've never really worked out well for us for some reason very hit and miss very hit and miss and and the reason is because you're trying to coordinate four different personalities in in in one date night there's a lot riding on it people hired a babysitter you got all dressed up you spent money on drinks you do want something to happen and this is why events are great because you meet someone and if it's not great well then you have 500 other people or 300 other couples lots of backup plans exactly exactly so anyway so non-verbal yes miscommunication it happens and okay can we talk about october for a second oh my god yeah i've been waiting for this we were invited to be guest speakers for two engagements on a six-star crystal cruise ship with 310 lifestyle couples and it sails from Montreal to Boston during the peak foliage season I'm super excited and honestly I'm really nervous yeah it's kind of a version of like a swinger TED talk that we're gonna have to do oh my god I know and more importantly, if you know the brand, it's LLV, Luxury Lifestyle Vacations.
You may have seen them and they're sexy playmakers with their fun red hats. This ship, the Crystal Symphony, is classy. Butler service for every single room, Michelin rated restaurants, full spa, clothing optional, sensual playrooms, like everything, theme nights and international DJ. So it's luxury and nudity? Oh man, this is going to be great. The bottom line is we want you there with us.
It's 310 couples and like all their vacations they book up fast they really do their vacations are extremely popular so please come with us and in order to find it all you have to do is go to our swingerlinks.com and look for the llv sensual voyage we hope you'll join us one partner could be more conservative one more enthusiastic one's more flirty one's less flirty ed's more flirty than i am yes yes i am and ed's a very good part and what else what else uh so you know therefore you're kind of not on the same page if one person is just a little bit different in that way yeah and a lot of that comes down to being able to tell your partner where you're at i'm just not feeling it or I'm not feeling them but that you know being on the same page requires a little bit of communication right or negotiating it i mean a lot of couples are like you know hey i'm not into her i'm not into him but honey if you want to if you want to take off and go have fun time with him go for it right if that's if that's how you play then then yes of course you would have that type of communication the other play partner this is where the the group dynamics come in we've had this situation happen before.
A couple times. A couple times, yeah, where one partner will want to lure you away. And I don't know that it's malicious. I think part of the dynamic is some people prefer to play separately, and we don't. Or without distraction. Right.
sometimes there's too much going on too much distraction the room's too hot there's not enough space on the bed like all that right there's a whole bunch of different reasons to find a different bed place to have sex right but getting dragged out of a room means that you are now it's horrible i know dragged around by your it's terrible get over here okay okay and you know one of the incidents that had happened with us where i'd gotten separated, I'd gotten kind of, like, dragged away by this woman. Oh, woman. That's terrible.
I missed out on some stuff that had happened that was going on in the other room. Oh, yeah. Phoebe was having a great time with two guys. And I missed the whole party. Yeah.
Or at least that particular good part of the party right and it wasn't more than five minutes so like i don't know it seemed like i don't know it may have been 10 or 15 but not a lot happened in a pretty short period of time yeah this wasn't like yes gee he's been gone for an hour a lot can happen but it's kind of that that gave us an opportunity to again see what happens right this time you were out of the room i was in the room now this is after the situation that we just explained to you in the beginning of the podcast. So that didn't. This situation wasn't bad. Right.
It didn't bother me as much. I think it annoyed both of us because we missed. Yeah. Moments. Right. But it wasn't, it wasn't like an emotional thing. It was like, oh, darn, I wish I'd seen that.
the movie you know oh i missed that line of dialogue and it gave it gave us an opportunity to tell each other play by play what happened and then to realize you know that's not really our thing because we'd rather see it than have to recount it play by play some people really like that i like us recounting it but i prefer to recount it from my own memories of having seen it right or talk about it together afterwards and kind of replay it together together but a secondhand story while exciting and kind of fun right it's not quite the same thing as being right there i know right like somebody can give you a synopsis of the greatest movie ever played but no it's just not the same it's good i know you don't get you don't get the smell of vision that goes with it smell of vision yes there's that the next thing would be an unconsidered situation that wasn't discussed which becomes a rule later we had a lot of those early on and and not in kind of like a bad or a derogatory way but just oh my god we didn't think about that particular sequence of events or interconnection between multiple people you don't know what you don't know right you can't imagine all of the scenarios and all the combinations of scenarios and and how you're going to feel about it you don't know right you you just have no idea what's going to happen and you've got two new people in the room that you've never been with before so right you've got some wild cards going on you just they may have something really kinky that they've they do all.
You've never seen it before, so. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. That's always really exciting. When you're with a couple that has something super kinky to you, it's super kinky. You're like, oh, my God. Some new trick. Yeah. You know, you hadn't seen before, and you're like. It's so fun. Well well we didn't talk about this rule i kind of like this new kink hence the joy of swinging yeah and it'll either become a rule like we have to do that next time oh for a rule i don't ever want to do that again. Now you can also have, you know.
We've been talking about innocent reasons for things happening, right? A miscommunication, a misunderstanding, right?
Like these aren't intent-based issues issues i didn't set out to misunderstand each other you didn't set out to have this other person you know kind of pull you away right that wasn't the plan right however however if we go back to our second story that we talked about where there was the husband and wife who aren't anymore there were nefarious reasons why they weren't ever on the same page we got the impression and through through this group of our friends we found out that this guy intentionally was stepping outside of the rules. He broke the rules all the time because he wanted to.
And swinging was just a nice definition for cheating. Right. This was a convenient excuse to set situations up where he was basically able to cheat on his wife and they were both, quote, consenting because they were both swingers. Wasn't the case.
There was a lot less consent going on in that consensual non-monogamous relationship not on the same page yeah how do you come back these as we've always looked at them are growth opportunities you learn something from a good experience or a bad experience And it gives you time to process your feelings and think about it and grow from that experience definitely and you also need to be very mindful of the compassion you have for one another realize that your partner is not how to intentionally hurt you. More likely than not, yeah. They're not out to intentionally hurt you.
And normally people aren't, even with the nefarious example that you had. The intent wasn't to purposely inflict harm on her. It was just very perhaps selfish of him. Inadvertently through his selfishness, yeah. Yeah. Thank you.
it was just very perhaps selfish of him to yeah you know inadvertently through his selfishness yeah yeah communication again key we talk about this all the time everyone talks about it it's so important and you you talk it out and you listen to one another and actually hear one another to what each person is saying because these are going to be some of your most vulnerable Thank you. And you listen to one another and actually hear one another to what each person is saying, because these are going to be some of your most vulnerable moments. Absolutely.
You're you're going to experience things that are necessary to have these conversations.
And so you're you're opening yourself up to this very vulnerable situation so you've you've stepped out or you've you've tripped over a line accidentally and now you've got to be honest as to why you did it or what happened and be honest about how it made you feel when that happened right and ed was always really great at asking questions when i would reveal something that i that felt you know hurtful or if i was struggling with with an emotion or a concept ed would always ask a question you know how can i better support you how can i what can what can i do so asking those questions what can i do you know to to make this better to make you feel more comfortable to make everything you know smoother yeah whatever the need is right take responsibility for your choices and your actions yep right you know you you make a choice you perform an action you don't do it on purpose you take responsibility you say sorry oh my gosh i'm so sorry hey you're right i had too much drink that night or i did this or whatever or i didn't even think about it that way i was having a good time dancing i'm sorry i left you for an hour while i was dancing cutting the rug you know yeah whatever you know appreciate one another your partner's honesty is going to be vulnerable as i talked about before and it can be difficult so appreciate one another be respectful be kind and then you're going to need to re-establish trust so once you get to a mutual understanding you can sometimes you can even take a step back from the lifestyle and hey hey, you know, give yourself a little vacation from the fun to get in touch with your own feelings, to gain perspective.
Right. It's a lot to process, but depending on your background. For me, it was a lot to process.
for some people I know it's not because they grew up literally swinging as teenagers they grew up in a culture where sharing each other's girlfriends was just normal so the concept of it being wrong or being dirty or whatever kind of label you assigned to it just wasn't there so they they like didn't even have to consider or process any of that information that was just normal for them so again wherever you're at in life you may have concepts precepts that you need to you know process process reconsider wow you know yeah so take a break just take a pause take a pause it's not a race you don't have to keep pushing through it you know no there's no one's going to know any different other than you and your partner and you know if your partner seems like they're struggling with something propose that you take a step back and go hey look let's not go to that party next month let's just take a break for a little bit and we can talk about it and get in touch with our feels and see where we're at get in touch with our feels reconnect with one another that's very important and so you know if you choose to take a step back or not of course the reconnection is going to be part of that yeah it helps to establish that that bond the trust the that connection that you have with your partner I don't know.
Yeah. It helps to establish that bond, the trust, that connection that you have with your partner, and helps them to understand that you're not pulling away from them through this act or action that happened. You're in it together. It's your journey together.
be patient with one another because you most likely will move at a different speed or pace with your emotions and how you process information you probably came from different backgrounds even if you grew up together things are different people approach things from two different ways and getting everybody all on the same page is sometimes a little bit of a Thank you.
are different people will approach things from two different ways and getting everybody all on the same page is sometimes a little bit of a balancing act yep some people are a marinader some people are it's the opposite of marinade flash fire i don't know just that dessert where You throw the fire flambe flambe i'm a flambe processor i like to process and get on move with the move it so be patient with one another process and recover at your pace and it's important to voice your needs so be clear hey i need some more hugs for the next few days or you know some more cuddle time um i typically like to this is my yeah this is my this is my story i saw you oh you're like i'm like uh you could say i typically like when you talk dirty to me during sex but maybe not for a while so ed would never say that nope i want to i want you to talk dirty dirty all the time yeah the dirtier the better so you know things that you you know need things that you've done before that maybe you need to hold off on you know it's it could even be hey you know make eye contact with me when we're in the same room with another couple just every once in a while just look over and connect and little smile right little stick your tongue out at or something right right just making that connection and sometimes that's enough uh-huh you may establish new rules or clarify old ones if there is some miscommunication yeah every experience that you have helps to focus what has happened and where you need to go.
So it's all a learning process. Yes. And then set new priorities to get back on track. Hey, I want to take a break for the next three months, but I'm not ready to give up swinging. And here are the needs. I need more date nights. I need to sit next to you on the couch every night. I need more hugs.
Whatever need to sit next to you on the couch every night i need more hugs whatever it is re-establish your needs set your priorities and then you can get back on track and your priority might just be your family and you could and you might be in a place where you are saying you know that was fun we had a good time it was a it was a fun experiment but you know what Thank you.
a place where you are saying you know that was fun we had a good time it was a it was a fun experiment but you know what it's it's not our thing right now let's focus on the kids and the family and and the business or whatever you've got going on and you know that's that. In summary, be kind to one another and remember that you are on this journey together. A lot of factors play into a decision and action. hopefully you are in a relationship where your partner is willing to listen, be introspective, and try to articulate what occurred.
Not every situation needs to be a deal breaker, and you can come back from it. Absolutely. Before you turn off our podcast to take care of all the vanilla things pulling you away, please reach out and give us a review. I am the first to admit that it's much easier to give a five star rating, which we appreciate. But if you could take 43 seconds to type a review, we would love it. If you want to share a personal story, ask us questions or share your comments. You can contact us at swingeruniversity at gmail.com.
Check us out at swingeruniversity.com where you can find links to our Twitter and Instagram feeds. Thank you so much for listening to Swinger University, your Horizontal Enrichment Podcast. Oh, one last thing before you go. If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review. It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. Visit swingeruniversity.com forward slash review. All the instructions are there. Thank you for being part of this community.
