Why so personal?

@Rabbit

I guess I was going off the original post. They said a lot of things... They don't want to build any chemistry.. Sex partners are toys.. They want to they want to meet, verify the person is hot, and get to the porno scenes. Other couples are only for lust.....

I just need a little more than that. No I'm not going into a questionnaire and a series of hoops you need to jump through for me to get hard. But I can't just walk in the room, see a hot woman, and I'm instantly ready to give her my best. I would like to know if she's a complete airhead or a NASA scientist. I would like to know if her husband eats paint or designs bridges. I'm talking extremes to make a point.. Point being if we can't even build that little bit of chemistry, I'm not sure how in tune anything else will be.

To make it shorter.... I think I've had the best sexual experiences with people I had chemistry with. The more chemistry and connection, the better it was. So the nights I have met couples in a club, even a 5 minute conversation made it a little better than walking into a gangbang

As reflected here, the opinions vary on both sides of the question. This is what makes a platform such as SLS as well as networking, work for couples interested in this lifestyle work so well.

For my wife and I, there is a definite need to get an idea of what the couples are like that we have interest in spending some adult time together. We find it best to have some sort of attraction to someone we meet, whether physical, intellectual or social. We aren't interested in just another notch on the bedpost, but rather meeting up with someone we have something of interest in.

We aren't interested in where you work, how much money you make or how big your house is. Do want to make sure you can carry on a conversation and that you are well mannered when it is necessary, yet an animal in bed without being overly aggressive and understand when no means no.

We aren't into long drawn out e-mails or phone calls before we meet for the first time, but do want to have some idea of who we are meeting and what to expect (or maybe not be surprised by) when we do. Someone that is comfortable in their own skin, has similar sexual interests and understands our boundaries.

While we really haven't spent any time at any of the local clubs recently, there was a time when we frequented an on-site premises club north of Seattle. There we met several folks (couples and singles) that we ended up playing with in the respective areas. Never made it out of there without enjoying the flesh of another couple, as well as not a single evening that my wife wasn't approached by and ended up having sex with at least one additional single guy. There were those who's arrogance or aggressiveness resulted in a no thank you from her, but for the most part we were successful in meeting new people and achieving orgasm that same night.

In a nutshell, to each his own. We feel it necessary to find out a bit about our potential playmates, really need to have some attraction with them before we jump between the sheets and tear the bed up. For those that don't have that pre-requisite, have fun and enjoy yourselves. That is what we are here for.

If we just wanted a sex toy, we'd grab a dildo out of the nightstand.

For us (and maybe it is weird), part of the turn on is the anticipation, the conversation, the attraction and interest. A bug chunk of the hot sex is knowing that this person that we like as a person, is also having a good time.

Now, we're not talking intimate kissing, pillow talk, our deepest and darkest secrets... or anything like that. We do keep that intimacy for each other.

But a good intellectual or otherwise stimulating conversation about a book, movie, tv series, places we have traveled to or are interested in going, or bands we like... whatever. That conversation and interpersonal connection is a very important park of the total experience for us and what makes it better than just using a dildo.

To be clear we dont play with people withput talking to them a bit and making sure they are not an asshole or something. Usually you can filter all that out through messaging a bit though weird pr pushy people usually cant hide it for long through a bit of conversation. We just dont really have any interest in forming friendships before or after playtime. Not saying it xouldnt happen somehow. Theres always some chat after sex while everyone is catching their breathe and winding down. Maybe wed make some friends in that moment just not looking for it.

We concur with R & S and Jinx/Minx on this matter.

Over the years we’ve met alot of people, formed longtime friendships with several but the vast majority of our playdates are not ever going to be on Mrs Uriah’s other social media accounts.

Uriah

We are more on the NSA end of the scale and don't need to become friends with play partners. In some cases, we have maintained a friendship but that isn't a goal or requirement. As for "chemistry", we look at this in the context of do they have desirable personalities, not "will we become lifelong friends". If they are physically attractive but say something racist or are rude or just generally negative people, we probably won't play with them. But that's because we find that behavior a turn off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scamps summed us up to a perfect T.

I would go on a limb to say I think this describes a high % of people in the LS. Maybe not this forum string, but in general. We are very picky, but equal weight is given to a nice disposition and your physical being. That said, we can happily go outside of our physical framework for a super fun, smiling/laughing person or couple. However, it really is hard and/or rare or downright impossible to go the other direction.

We are never on the search for new friends, but when they randomly appear, we are glad they did. We have collected several along the way which we adore, and are truly grateful to call them friends.

Also worth noting, it is truly fun sometimes to just fuck at a club setting where there is not much of any of the above! Not much before, not much after. Safe travels home!

To each their own.

For us, we need to know a little about our playmates. I wouldn't call it needing a connection per se but knowing that we have something in common to talk about during those recovery periods and won't just lay there in awkward silence is a good thing.

We've also found that a sparkling personality on a couple who we'd otherwise consider borderline from a looks perspective can push them over the edge into wild monkey sex territory.

Of course, the inverse is true as well. A hot body and a crappy or egotistical attitude can push them right into the hell no arena.

@travelveteran

I think you are confusing “getting personal” with having (or lacking) personality.

“Now we introduce a couple. I don't even know this guy either. What type of person he is, where he's from, what his background is, none of that.... But I'm expected to once again perform”

Really? As a guy, the last thing I am thinking about when I am flirting with the female half of a couple is where her husband is from or what he does for a living.

To each their own I guess but if a guy meets us and starts asking where I work and where I’m from etc, it will be a short night.

~Scamp

Desert,

You are not weird. We play the same way... sometimes. We’ve had amazing experiences at clubs where I’d have a hard time identifying our play partners five minutes after we were done.

We’ve also had an awesome time like our most recent encounter. We met a relatively new couple at least five times, including meeting members of their family, before we got naked together. The sex was awesome.
Now, I do admit that there is a possibility this couple may get overly attached, but there’s no sign of that yet, and we’ll deal with that if it happens.

For me, I can't even perform correctly under those circumstances. No connection, I don't even know if I like you.... Maybe she's a 10 and I get instant hardness... But then again maybe a little flirting and playful banter would make me hard without even needing to see her. And that's just a woman alone.

Now we introduce a couple. I don't even know this guy either. What type of person he is, where he's from, what his background is, none of that.... But I'm expected to once again perform, not knowing if he's gonna act a damn fool or go cry in the corner... I don't know what he's wanting to see and do, and his mannerisms or nothing..

Not to sound like a woman, but I need some substance LOL.. Make me want you. Make me feel like this isn't a porno set and I'm walking in to slam dick and leave the second it's over. If I'm not even talking to you really during the week, what's to get me excited to see you again?

Chemistry will always be important. Even if the sex is on level 100, with great chemistry, it can be 2000000000000... I can understand why y'all don't want others to have that part of you. But as the "other" person, that's a huge portion to be left out... mental chemistry

We are more on the NSA end of the scale and don't need to become friends with play partners. In some cases, we have maintained a friendship but that isn't a goal or requirement.

As for "chemistry", we look at this in the context of do they have desirable personalities, not "will we become lifelong friends". If they are physically attractive but say something racist or are rude or just generally negative people, we probably won't play with them. But that's because we find that behavior a turn off.

There is a lot to be said for having sex with a partner(s) you know well and spend time with outside the bedroom. That said we are not looking for long lasting lifetime friendships but rather people to enjoy sex with. All of our partners we have a long time friendship with started out as friends first. All of our partners we got to know by being in the lifestyle have long since moved on either away from the area or out of the lifestyle and we are no longer in touch. In fact in quite a few cases it was a one and done both with singles and a few couples. Now this is not to say we are not open to finding folks who can be long time friends and enjoy time in the bedroom (or wherever) as it were but that is not a requirement. In fact the last party we attended has us playing the "What was his screen name?" game after she had a really good time. Of course we also met a couple we have chatted with a bit via e-mail and are looking forward to seeing at the next party if not sooner (doubtful with our schedule). In fact whomever gets there first is supposed to save 2 extra seats by the pool. We do sometimes like hanging out and getting to know folks we want to play with more than once as it does add to the enjoyment but only in the proper setting where we can talk and flirt freely. Then again a one and done or one and perhaps another down the road without any other connection than good sex is good too.

I said all of this to point out that no you are not unusual in not wanting to get to know someone personally to get to know them in the bedroom once or even more. You (and to a point we) are in a minority though as it seems a lot of couples want to not only hang out with you but introduce you to their family and vanilla friends. We had an instance where 3 other couples invited us to meet up at the lake and head to an island for a day of fun. Of course we assumed it would be an adult's only affair and even mentioned the wife was looking forward to being joined getting some sun nude. Turns out there were a lot more than the 3 other couples including children, parents, and so on in several other boats. Nothing was said about this even when we were talking nude sunbathing and how much fun it would be to perhaps play on the boats as the sun was setting. Needless to say we left earlier than anyone else and we were glad we brought our fishing gear with us so the day was not a total loss. Now had we known children would be there we may have brought ours but more likely we would have not gone because aside from boats sex was all we really had in common.

And others think it's weird that some folks look at play partners as toys to use in the bedroom.

Fact is, there's something for everyone in the LS. Everything from poly to "I don't even want to know your NAME, in fact turn out the light so I don't have to even see you", and everything in between. We're all looking for different things, and that's part of what makes the LS so much fun. So don't sweat it if you're not on the same page as others. Doesn't mean you're bad people, it just means that you're different.

Vive la difference, and all that shit. ;)

I guess its just depends on who you are. We are both very anti social people and keep a very small circle of friends as it is. We both more or less cringe at the idea of having to get to know people before having fun and arent willing to fake it just to get to the sex. We do communicate quite freely what we like and dont like and have an awesome time with like minds . it just seemed odd to us jumping into this how many people seemed to be seeking more than a physical relationship.

I would have to agree with what GGMM said. Chemistry tends to add to the attraction and being in tune to what your play partner likes, lending to a better overall experience. We've had NSA and FWB sex both and our better times have been our FWB times.

You do you. There will be fewer couples and even fewer women who are interested in what you have to offer than men, as you've discovered, but fewer isn't the same as none.

I've had sex with a lot of people, including some with whom I haven't had a lot of chemistry. That's just some empty friction and I mostly can't be bothered. I like a lot of things about sex, including the orgasms (friction helps with that), but most of what I like has to do with the sparks that can be lit and what you can do with those sparks when there is chemistry, attraction and curiosity.

Seems weird to us that so many people want to be friends and build chemistry. We are both only interested in hot sex and view play partners as toys to use in the bedroom. We save the romance and chemistry for the two of us. Only lust and fun for others. To me it seems harder to have a good nasty time when everyone is worried about some kind of chemistry. My wife feels the same. Are we the weird ones here? The last thing we want to do is date. We want to meet up verify everyone is hot and recreate hardcore porn scenes then go home . this has lead us to mostly just mfm stuff since the guys are more down to just meet and fuck. Isnt that ultimately what we are here for? Why put the burden of "chemistry" in the way of a good time?