In my experience, that statement is not true. I have been involved with three poly families over the years. I witnessed no unhappiness. Recently I visited with on of the families that has been together since the mid 1970's.
Gotcha. Thanks again for your comments, MsNNandRG.
@calcanfun2 when I was speaking of men, I was speaking only of my personal experiences with multiple partners. For me, it's always men who say they want "no strings," but then absolutely start to want to attach strings.
My partner's femme connections nearly always fall in love with him, too, so...I don't think it's gendered, except in experience.
For the sake of discussion, I'll point out then that we've been a part of polyromantic relationships even though that's not really our norm.
Yes, good point about being "clear with any potential partners" and why terms help with that. Until you mentioned that, I honestly can't believe I'd probably not put enough thought into that perspective. So thank you.
Counterpoint to your comment about catching feelings, however. As a hallpass and poly-leaning man, I've encountered the same from women so I'm not sure we can agree that it's a gender specific affliction. Even though I can appreciate that as a female, men might be your most common exposure and experience in that regard.
@calcanfun2
Yes, but for most people polyamory covers that. I just specifically state I'm monoromantic and what that means to me so that I'm clear with any potential partners.
It's always astounded me how many men (specifically) say they don't want any feelings, but then catch them and want them returned in kind.
Very helpful. Thanks! We've never really been ones to subscribe to labels and definitions because to us they always seem so inflexible, but to follow your list we assume that "Polyromantic" would be what you hinted at near the end of your post?
I've taught nonmonogamy in it's many variations for years, and I've got big opinions and lots of research in my head so I'm going to brain dump some thoughts after reading the replies here.
smiles
I personally consider myself nonmonogamous, polyamorous and monoromantic.
Nonmonogamous: this seems obvious. Swinging is nomono. Cucking is nonmono. Dating is nomono. I do all of these.
Polyamorous: this simply states that I love more than one person in a pair-bonded way at a time.
It does not mean that I create serious relationships with them. It doesn't meant that I have sex with them all the time. It doesn't mean that they move in. Or that we practice polyfidelity.
It means that these people and I have feelings, and we share those feelings with each other. For me, mostly, it means that someone I date has stayed in my life for years and I love them—more than friends, like family, and I am open with them about that.
I have several of these people that I talk to nearly every day. Going back 12 years, 8 years, 4 years (a couple), 3 years, etc.
Monoromantic: I am "in love" with only my nesting partner (on this account). I've wanted to fall in love with others but it's never happened. I am "romantic" only with him, in the sense that he is where my heart is, and I am open and clear about that to others.
When I speak about that, I say I have never fallen in love with someone else while he's been in my life. I don't say it could never happen.
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My partner considers himself nonmonogamous, and monoromantic, but not polyamorous. He feels like he doesn't have the bandwidth to have multiple relationships.
I know how much he loves the people in our life, but if he views it differently than I would and defines it differently for himself, that's OK.
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People do suck at relationships. Several people have said that, and they are right.
However, not all people suck more at multiple relationships. Some people actually get MUCH BETTER at relationships once they start being poly/nomonogamous, because they stop trying to stuff themself into the monogamous box that didn't work for them.
Some people are excellent at swinging, but not so much at loving multiple people.
Some people (that you will NEVER hear from on these forums) are really good at creating poly relationships, but don't really do much sex.
People come in many variations, and a lot of us tend to keep our private lives private and/or hang out with people like us, so it's normal that we don't see a lot of relationships outside the "norm" that are not also relationships that we actively pursue/practice/learn about.
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TLDR; As people have said here, RELATIONSHIPS (mono or poly or anything else) OFTEN end up badly. Poly people are open to more and have more, so perhaps they have more ends, bad and otherwise. But it's NOT always. Not even close.
funlyfriend, i definitely still do really care about them!!!!
I was there 3rd with a married couple for about 10 years. They are still married and we are still friends. They moved to far for things to work anymore but like swing couples the communication was what kept things good for all. We only spoke in group texts and kept it honest. The 3 of us are straight but had no issues with body contact in bed. We all enjoyed being together as friends and lovers
Great thread to discover, thanks, as I’d love to find an older couple looking for a regular third, bonus if the wanted a room mate to help around or wanted to be in a polyamorous, live-in relationship! Would love to explore this and open to relocating as I live in a swinging desert, but love living here, best quality of life ever!
Hope to read more within this thread, and find that folks have had successful, fulfilling ployamorous relationships! I’ve got to make some changes in my life if I want to find a great couple or lady with an interest in a kinky, cross-dressing cumslut who’s really nice, smart, and funny!
I don’t think they’re doomed.
I think we’ve been in one for nearly 10 years, I’m not really sure?
I haven’t skimmed the whole thread.
We met our couple here, immediately clicked, and were pretty much exclusively with them for several years until we had to move our family for work reasons.
We all love each other, and say so pretty openly. She’s the only woman other than my wife that I’ve said ‘I love you’ to in almost 25 years. We drive across country every year just to see them and we’re never happier than when we’re in each others lives. Being apart hurts sometimes.
It sucks because we’ve moved away, but after the kids are grown and out it wouldn’t surprise me if we found a way to be together again.
We’ve even talked about that sort of thing being easier after all our parents have passed on lol.
I don’t think their world has enough love in it. It’s a precious resource, and you should cherish it wherever you find it.
Jessy, you are still in poly relationship...lol
You seem to still care about them.
I "sort of" experienced a poly triad type situation in college that was great. I know it wasn't TRUE poly or however you want to describe it. I met a poly couple and lived with them for a year. I had concerns at first but everything was actually really chilly and relaxed. Communication was key of course. Unfortunately it was short lived because they moved away to be closer to family and I had to finish school. But we still keep in touch and everything was fine and really fun!
@RonKathy We don't get it either. And so many men I know cheat on their wives. I say to them have a conversation with your wife, maybe she wants some strange too. Thier answer is usually "she better not!" WTF
FUN we have had countless conversations with long time vanilla friends.. it has ended with them saying they cant see their spouse fucking someone else.. wtf .. so cheating is okay we dont get it!
Oh well its their life!
this is the second time something like this happened. A friend told me he cheated on his wife. I asked if it was a one time thing or if he was seeing her. he was seeing her. about a month later his wife confided in me and told me she thought he was cheating so she had an affair with a friend of our small "vanilla" group. They both asked me not to tell anyone so I didn't. Unknown to me at the time, we invited this couple to dinner one night. The week before those two got into a fight and told each other about their affairs AND they told each other I knew about both.
At dinner, I should during dinner. They both confronted me, yelling at me, that I was a bad person for not telling the other that they were having an affair. We politely deescalate them and continued dinner. Mind you Mrs. FF knows nothing about this because I was true to their request to tell no one. With a wink Mrs. FF gave me the go ahead to let them know about our lifestyle. I said " as long as you both desire fucking other people why don't you do it together." They called us so many names told us we were going ot hell, said our marriage wouldn't last. We asked them to leave. that was almost 20 years ago. we still see them in our small town and they will not speak to us. both are re married.
WTF who knew cheating was ok, but swinging with your life partner was bad. We are happy. They are miserable even now. sorry for the rant
FUN.. now thats a closed mind!
I was just talking to a friend who is poly. Everyone in this small town knows they are. He sees his love Friday to Sunday most weeks ans she leaves Sunday night to be with her husband late sunday to Friday morning. I asked how long they have been together and much to my surprise he said 30 + years. We have know them for 15. I decided to tell them about us after all this time. I told him we are more swingers than poly, although my wife has a serious girlfriend for over 5 years. I was surprised at his reaction. Turns out he thinks swinging is disgusting. Just having sex with people is not cool, he said. I asked him to keep our lifestyle to himself and he said he would, but I am not sure he will. We will see.
You never know how/what people are thinking
If you're referring to me, I wasn't at all arguing that you are not.
WTF are you talking about. We are binand poly and having fun. FACT!
It's beeny repeated experience that people have unrealistic expectations of people who have been married for decades.
For example, how is it realistic or reasonable to expect equal immediate enmeshment and priority from people who have been through children and in-laws together? Who have invested in a home together? Who have seen each other through illnesses and school and employment woes together?
"I think bi poly is so much more fun" - the topic wasn't weather or not it's fun at all, it was about ending badly. I have no data, but it would surprise me if bi poly has any significant difference one way or another in success rate compared to hetero poly.
I think bi poly is so much more fun
Me, the wife, and wife-ish have been together 10 years, living together for 5 years. Wife has a couple partners outside the household. I have a couple, also. No tears. Everything is kitchen table style. We're all going out for Valentine's this week.
I think the initial premise is flawed. There are as many styles of poly as there are people doing poly. So it's not "yes" or "no". It's always "maybe".
Yes.
The end.
