Going behind someone's back

Well I'm a hell of a lot more open to strangers than others I know, you think!!!!!!!

It’s bad enough to be dishonest. But to try to justify it takes it it to an entirely different level.

There are plenty of couples that find themselves in this situation, where one partner becomes unable to have sex due to medical issues.

The difference is that some couples have an open and honest respectful conversation and agree that the healthy partner can explore other options.

There will always be people that don't care if someone is cheating or not. Personally I would never cheat nor would I ever knowingly ever play with a cheater.

Geez, in looking at music’s profile I also looked at his cert. I was curious what kind of lowlife hooks up with a cheating man who if probably also on the DL about being bi.

Well, his cert messages us this, “Hi. Thanks for looking at my profile. I know you’re not bi curious but I opened some very revealing pictures for you. Love you’re pictures. Can I see more ?”

I guess scum begets scum. Didn’t look at his pics, told him we didn’t want to see his pics, certainly didn’t open ours.

~rabbit~

Musical - It may seem that way, but I'm not here to judge. The forum can be a place where people learn and share ideas.

The idea is that, if there was ever a point that one were considering such a venture, the time to talk about it would be at the beginning before you did anything. Once you have, comptemplating cheating is whole lot different than actually having done it, The more times you've done it, the less likely your wife would be to accept what you did. In your case, you're still doing it, hence the hole you're digging because it means she'll be even more hurt if/when she finds out.

We wouldn't play with you personally, but we know there are people that would. We have friends in similar situations. We treat them the way they treat us, we just don't and won't play with them unless their other half knows what they're doing. For us, it's just more of a karma thing than the risk of drama.

The forum is also a sounding board, and sometimes when you hear things like what MandC said, it may at least make you question how much you REALLY love your wife, because it really seems what your doing is a lot more about you than her.

MusicalMe,

Are you telling us that you are more open and honest with strangers you’ve just met than you are with your own wife?

Oh look’ there it is way at the end,,,,, what’s that you say there?

“ we refer to my activities as our "don't ask, don't tell" policy) ”

Well, that infers that she knows you’re unfaithful, consents, but just doesn't want to talk/know about it.

But hey! What did you say here in the forums?

“ No, my wife does not know.”

Oh my! She doesn’t know?! That seems contradictory?!

You are a compulsive liar. I don’t think you could tell the truth if your life depended on it

You lie to your wife, (YOUR WIFE!). You lie to potential partners. You are lying to yourself.

You are a cheater. SWINGERS DON’T CHEAT. You don’t belong on our world. Many of us resent you.

~rabbit~

I'm fine with the fact that many of you disagree with what I wrote but I will say that they're incorrect in assuming that couples would not play with me if they knew I was married.
EVERY couple I ever played with knew I was married, appreciated the fact that I had told them that before we ever met. Simply, it was their choice.
Secondly, rabbit n scamp said something about me not admitting I was married in my profile. Fact is, I do say it in my profile.
It's always been there....Please read again, more carefully.

" I have NEVER seen a case where someone says to a cheater "I understand and it's OK"."

That's because you are not a cheater. When cheaters meet, there's no moral high ground.

There are "couples" profiles that consist of 2 people married to other people. They are unlikely to reject anyone due to a cheating situation.

WV- yeah, ours too, some of it is transcendental. Some of it is just really dumb

~rabbit~

People like Musical dig themselves a hole. Rather than talk about it up front before going out and cheating, they convince themselves that what they're doing is really for the best. Not sure what a post here about it does except maybe an attempt to unburden them of their conscience. It's obvious that they will get mostly (if not all) grief from it here, so why else do it? I have NEVER seen a case where someone says to a cheater "I understand and it's OK".

So now they are so deep in this hole that they are beyond a point that they can talk to their wife about it. It's one thing to say you're contemplating cheating and quite another to say you already have, multiple times no less. Perhaps in some way they want to hear grief from people here kind of like a self-imposed form of punishment?

At any rate, maybe this will serve others to either confront their wife up front before doing anything or not bother trying to justify it here to a crowd that will likely crucify you for it. Unfortunately the little head doesn't tend to think that far ahead.

@_rabbit_n_scamp_ I think there is a chapter about Music in our book. LOL

Music- “ Does this make me a bastard?”

Yes, yes it does. Cheating isn’t swinging and no one wants to risk the drama you could bring into their lives.

You could at least be honest in your profile about being married. Give others the honesty you fail to give your wife so they can choose if you’re worth the potential lawsuit for “alienation of affection”

Does your wife at least know you’re bi? If not then you are doubly deceiving her. Not cool.

Like others said, go to a cheating site or hire a pro.

~rabbit~

We like meeting people at parties too and met a couple that has them monthly. They invite couples and also invite some single guys for the wives and couples that enjoy that. We met one of these ingle guys at a party and the wife really enjoyed him. He started coming to the parties regularly and the wife would always have fun with him. After about 6 months there was a new couple there that we were getting acquainted with through conversation. When the single guy that the wife liked came in, the couple said OMG. We asked what was wrong and the lady said that he was the husband of one of her co-workers. They did not really want him to see them there either so they asked us if we wanted to leave. The 4 of us left and went for drinks and they were telling us about her co-worker and her husband and as far as they knew, they were a happily married couple. We had a great time conversing with them and ended up hooking up again for more fun and have gotten to know them real well. We still go to the parties even though our new friends won't go again and the guy still shows up a lot but wife just politely tells him no thank you. So sometimes you just never know. Don't have a clue what he tells his wife he is doing on Saturday night once a month.

Met a local guy for MFM..great profile. Polite chat. Met for lunch. turned perv on my wife and admitted he was cheating. We left him with the bill. We no longer meet guys without a spouse. Party meets are our thing. No stress and guessing....lol

Most people in the lifestyle are in it to enhance their sex lives and have really strong, healthy relationships. We find that most people we have met and/or spoken to have zero interest in a man or woman cheating on their spouses without their knowledge. And as this is a site for swingers, you might want to focus your search on a site like Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, or Tinder.

I have to speak on behalf of myself and possibly many men in the same situation as I.
Yes, I am married, yes I look around online for a female or couple to play with.
No, my wife does not know.
Yes, I do love my wife.
No, I will not tell her because it would hurt her feelings.
We have not had physical relations for over 10 years due to her health. Nothing is going to change this situation. I do love her and decided long ago that this was not going to change the way I felt about her.
However, I have no physical issues and still have a very healthy libido.
I still crave the intimacy of a physical relationship if not an emotional one.
Does this make me a bastard?
I don't think so. Yes, I'm sure there are men around who do this, even while their wives are healthy and actively seeking their husband's attention. I wish my wife were one of them but sadly, that's not the case.
Before judging, keep an open mind and walk in someone else's shoes.
Ron

Question to those who say they'd play with a cheater anyway - how do you know they're being honest with you? About their situation, health, etc?

I get that there is always going to be a certain amount of uncertainty involved but here you have a person who is willing to lie to someone who they supposedly care a great deal for who is telling you to trust them. Just seems naive to believe them.

This is always an interesting topic. What makes it interesting to me is that there is grey area.

Marriage is marriage. You are either married or not. If you are married, then there is consent from the spouse. However, when you are in a BF/GF situation there are levels. I guess you could look at the levels as building a base to hit the pinnacle, and that being marriage. Let me explain . . .

You are introduced to someone by your friend. You go out on a date with that person. Are you bf/gf now? In some eyes, maybe, in most eyes, probably not.

Now you go out with that person again. So this is the 2nd time. Are you bf/gf now? Now you go out with that person a 3rd time. But you also have gone out with someone else 3 times. Do you have multiple BF/GFs? When does being a BF/GF become the same as being married as far as cheating? What I am trying to determine is where the line is.

Now to go even further and provoke conversation. As an odd example, we were good friends with a single female. We hooked up a lot and would even vacation together (she had kids the same age as ours so we'd all go together.) She was on the hunt for a BF. She would still fuck us. She would date. Sometimes it would get to the multi-stage point and she'd introduce us to the guy. The guy, before meeting us, would be talked to about her and us. This created a whole other ball of wax. How's he to handle this situation? Are we expected to like him? Are we expected to fuck him? Are we expected to go on vacations with him as well? This girl would date multiple guys at once. Once she found one that she felt would go far, she'd drop the rest. That's when she'd introduce the guy to us. She wound up going through about 4 guys before she found one that she liked a lot. This woman taught me so much about women. I knew she wanted to marry the guy when she stopped fucking us. She wound up marrying him and our threesome ended. We liked the guy. It took them about 5 years of marriage before they got into swinging and we had moved away.

So when does the Bf/Gf level mean they are committed to that person and thus not 'cheating' in your eyes?

Our latest acquaintance was chatting with my husband and I, then randomly writes “I love you too” lmao. Wrong chat buddy. Bye Felicia!

Considering we only meet single men. There is no way to confirm if they r cheaters. U can usually tell by the behavior and we typically will not see them again. But we often invite multiple anonymous men to meet the wife. And at that point it’s who shows up for the party

Delusions of grandeur run amok

Its sad but that is what the media has done to women to turn them into victims and spending machines. All of the pleasures in live that don't require money are bad bad bad.
Marriage and kids are more about having a trophy then a happy life. The passion of your other half with strict rules on what they can and can not do is all learned from the media.
To understand read one of the woman's magazines, Men are evil, sex for pleasure is evil. Men must love you for what's inside, it does not matter if you are one hundred pounds overweight its the you that is love.
Men who do not make money for you to spend are worthless and so on.

Can we as a county go back to the free love era of the 70's and 80's when people where happy? And sex was for fun? Women where not victims and spending machines?

Sad to say it but a large portion of people here are "cheaters". They are in a relationship that is more of a "possession" than a loving one. And its compounded by the fact that they are not getting what they want from their relationship, or they simply want more sensually.
I am single and can openly play, but Because of all the "cheaters" most couples wont even reply to a "bird" from me. That is a shame because I am mostly looking for friends first, then sex when and if we are all COMFORTABLE.
The largest sex organ after all is the human brain. Its where all our "sexual urges" come from after all. The physical act of sex is just being purely "SENSUAL" with other individuals

re:OP

We have run into this and it is not something we do personally, but know others are OK with it and otherwise don't have issues with the people that do play with people in that circumstance. I do understand how people can get into situations such as a loveless marriage they're keeping together for the kids, or whatever reason, but we simply choose not to play with them if we know about it.

For us, the thing that the LS brought to the table was that each of us can play with whoever we want, so there is no reason to ever do it on the sly.