The swinger and sex positive lifestyle can be intimating to new people, especially couples who may be taking the first trip into ethical non-monogamy. Lots of people develop rules, limits, boundaries that make sense to them at the time, however it seems as though most of those rules, limits, boundaries change overtime.. a lot. The title to write your swinger rules in pencil, not pen, is to indicate the changing nature of this lifestyle and what we need to feel comfortable inside it.
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Transcript
Hey everybody, it's Tron Unicorn with another podcast episode. This is basically a topic called, write those rules in pencil, not ink, write those boundaries in pencil, not ink, things like that, because this lifestyle changes you and opens you up if you let it. And I want to delve into that in depth and give it the weight it deserves of dialogue. So let's get right into it. What do I mean by write your rules in pencil, not pen? When you join this sex positive lifestyle, one of the things that happens is people feel really nervous. They're jumping outside their comfort zone.
For some people, they're just like super fearful of like, what is it going to be like? Am I going to like it? Am I going to hate it? Am I going to have an anxiety attack? Am I going to have an IBS attack? People have real fucking concerns, right? And so I am here to try and be a bridge from mainstream vanilla society to the sex positive lifestyle so that you could at least dip your toe in it and see if you like it. That is more than a lot of us swingers had when we were, you know, on the outside not knowing there was something to even look in at.
Being a swinger is something I didn't realize was even possible for me until I was in my 30s. And the thing I continuously hear from people in this lifestyle is how they wish they knew about it 10, 15 years ago. So let's just start there all right so when I joined this lifestyle I was a single woman I was looking for a threesome and I was looking for my first female experience I did get that right and then of course I had a video about it I talked about it on YouTube and everything's kind of documented on YouTube along the way and you can find a link to that in the description of this podcast.
So I basically had aspirations for a threesome. That was my big goal. I never once really considered couple swapping. That was not where my goals were. I wanted to have a threesome. I wanted to be a girl who was comfortable with her guy having sex with other women and I thought that was gonna make me in a way like girlfriend of the year but like that's not why I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it because I thought I would get be turned on by it too right so and it's true I am. So anyways I never really had bigger dreams of gang bangs or or sex parties or even sex clubs.
I never grew up thinking I was going to be in a sex club.
I didn't know there was such a such a thing but I did have you know earlier times when I was with a boyfriend and dating and we looked for those you know lucid unicorns which are single women who want to sleep with couples in the lifestyle and you know I would talk to my boyfriend at the time about rules and like what would we be comfortable with and what would we not be comfortable with I remember that I would discuss like a no kissing rule at first and like I laugh at that now because I'm an experienced swinger and I and it's always the first rule that goes you know goes away for new couples I've learned is the no kissing thing because I think the issue is when people are taking a chance on a lifestyle and sharing a sexual partner that maybe they're not comfortable with maybe they're scared to death of what happens when that sexual partner experiences somebody else's vagina or dick or what if their dick's bigger or girthier what if they squirt and they don't squirt at home what if she does anal with him and and she doesn't let me put it in her ass there's all sorts of these concerns and fears and it's not it's not like we should minimize them or say they're not there there's definitely mitigation strategies to handle them but one of the ones that couples tend to use is the no kissing rule and I've just got to say it's all fun and games to make a bunch of rules and cocoon you and your partner into a safe little cocoon of, okay, as long as we don't break the rules, our relationship is protected.
Well, you know, you do you, but people may not want to do you. You know what I'm saying?
Because I would not want to fuck a swinger who didn't want to kiss me because what the fuck man like are you just here to put your dick in my my one hole and that's it i mean really because i that's a little abrupt you know um so it's just one of those things where when people have rules like that it really does in my i'm sorry to offend but I'm still gonna say it it reeks of insecurity between a couple and so as a single woman if they a couple approached me and said oh you know we you can't kiss I would I would decline like it would just be like okay thanks no thanks you know I don't I don't need those types of limited yellow caution tape around my mouth fucking experiences who does right and that's kind of my point is you can make all the rules you want but people may not want to fuck you behind your list of rules you know so anyways i think the point i'm making is people like to make rules like no kissing or no, you know, don't finish any other woman or I'm telling, I'm just going to rhyme off many because there's so many I've heard.
It doesn't mean I agree or disagree with these. I'm just listing the rules that I have heard many couples have. Some of them I think are a little much, but you be the judge.
Maybe you shouldn't judge either is the point i guess maybe just understand that every couple comes in with a different level of rigidity is my my word of choice but basically some of the rules are no hand holding no intimacy like no touching or cuddling after sex um there's lots of couples that insist on having sex together alone after they've swapped or had a unicorn or threesome because it's like a reclaiming sex where they basically a lot of couples say it some of the hottest sex they've ever had in their life was like after they fucked other people and then came together to celebrate and talk about it and get all heated about it so that's something most people use condoms but if you don't use condoms Thank you.
fucked other people and then came together to celebrate and talk about it and get all heated about it so that's something most people use condoms but if you don't use condoms there's rules about like cream pies and like where you can finish like some people would say oh i only swallow for my husband but like so other guys can't come in my mouth like everybody's got their own rules and boundaries and even myself I've got my own my own rules and boundaries but they look much different than they did when I was new okay because the more you get acclimatized into the sex positive ethical non-monogamy lifestyle you realize that sex is not the threat it you think it is in a way like it's I understand there's still going to be primal Thank you.
that sex is not the threat it you think it is in a way like it's I understand there's still going to be primal feelings of even jealousy concern insecurity body insecurity relationship insecurity you know all of it but you can really use the lifestyle as a vehicle to actually pretty effectively address these things and a lot of couples say that their relationship improves with one another because their communication gets so much better um and so it's just it's true communication is the biggest biggest noticeable thing i have with my uh sex partners now than when i did before before it was like let's just start kissing and hope everything you know aligns and and now i can be very clear about what i'm interested in what i'm not and it's just it's wonderful two terms you're going to hear often in the swinger lifestyle is soft swap and full swap and what that means is for you know for the most part male female couples of course there's different variations they talk about what comfort level they have with what kind of sexual activity they want to do with other people soft swap does not include penetration if there was going to be a soft swap exchange between two couples sometimes it's just the women who play and you know for the enjoyment of the men sometimes there's oral between everybody or whatever but no sex people would just go back to their own partner to have sex, even if it was like in the same room beside people.
Full swap is when you're allowed to fuck somebody else, basically like, you know, penis and vagina, whatever else. So lots of people have preferences about whether they're soft swap or full swap couples. Many people maybe start out as soft swap and then very quickly graduate to full swap. But there is some couples that stay at soft swap because that's where they're happy. So there's nothing wrong with where you are. I just know that you better write those rules and conditions in pencil and not pen. But full swap is where I would be. I would think sex is sex. Let's go fuck.
You know, let's, you know, anyways, that that's for me, but I have turned down sex with a soft soft couple before because the husband or whatever wasn't allowed to fuck me. I was basically just allowed to suck his dick with the girl and then he was going to fuck his wife. And I was like, you've got to understand what a shitty fucking deal that is for me.
Like, you know, like in my head, I was thinking that, um that um so anyways I just think with a single unicorn we don't have another man who's gonna fuck us so if you're soft swap with a single female like you know you can find that sure but it would be very rare rare I think uh so yeah so those are some of the terms that you know you can start out as a full swap most people don't go backwards but um I guess you always could if you didn't enjoy it, things like that. Similarly, there's same room and separate room swapping.
Some couples will not enjoy sex swapping if their partner's not around, like they want to see it to enjoy it. Some people are separate room swingers where their partners can go off and fuck somebody in a different room and not even be an earshot of their sex, for example. So there's different types. And a lot of people would start out maybe as same room swingers and developed a level of comfort into separate room.
I remember I did an interview with, I think it was Swinger University podcast, and they had explained that they had started out kind of very, you know, you know, kind of rigid, soft swap same room and she says that now they've been swingers so long and they're so comfortable that she actually just doesn't mind sitting back even with a snack sometimes watching him fuck women or like other people because it's just such a recreational fun enjoyable thing it's not so much about feeling left out anymore now it's just about pleasure and fun and enjoyable activities you can do together so this is also one area where you'll you'll want to write those in pencil not pen some couples that say only the wife can play with the woman and or you know some couples have a no extra dick rule meaning or a one dick policy which is by the way highly controversial highly controversial I ever that twice.
It's not an editing error. Because what the fuck, man, you're going to say one more girl can come, but another guy is like off limits. I think it's definitely okay if this is a two way street and you're consensually agreeing to that.
But if this is just because of, I think, an unfair balance of sexual liberation then that's not cool first of all the things that you come into the lifestyle thinking will protect those insecurities are those rules or the boundaries or whatever some partners come for their first night at the club and and you know they have a great they're great night because for a lot of couples they don't come and have sex with people on the first night some couples come just to have a date together at a Thank you.
Thank into this lifestyle full feet man you do not um everybody always goes at people's pace right it's like a very consent driven um community and activity i think one of the quickest things that you learn when you are in this lifestyle is that sex is not the threat it it it seems to be and i know i've said that already i think the point i'm trying to make is that when you realize the purpose of your rules forget the rules themselves but the purpose of them is to make you feel safe in your relationship doing this extra thing right this experimental thing if you could feel safe entirely anyways you wouldn't need the rules and so the point I'm trying to make is not that people you know feel pressured to get rid of their rules I think people relax into getting rid of those rules and that's the appeal of this lifestyle it's not so overwhelming or people wouldn't stick around i mean well maybe some would but it's really you go at your own pace kind of thing and so yeah some couples come in and the very first thing they notice is sex is kind of awkward when you can't kiss you know so maybe that's okay and maybe the first time they do it they check in with each other after the sex and say oh you know did you feel okay with it yeah i did let's you know so you can go and incrementally change your rules or boundaries as you move along in this lifestyle if you're coupled you know i'm talking about if you're single you can do that too but you don't need to consult anybody which is kind of the the freedom i love of being single but it's one of those things where when you realize that sex can be negotiated and ethically done out in the open at these sex clubs, for example, the rules aren't needed so much because it's a casual lifestyle.
Swinging is not polyamory. There's definitely overlap and people can be polyamorous swingersers but there's also swingers who would consider themselves actually monogamous who have sex with other people together meaning they would never have sex with somebody one-on-one only with their partner that's like monogamish it's not monogamous it's monogamish ish at the end so there's people have all crossed the spectrum of monogamy, non-monogamy, everything in between. But being a swinger specifically is about casual sex. It's about friendships, not romantic relationships.
So as a swinger, when I'm a single woman and I'm approaching a couple for sex, I know I don't speak for all single women, right?
i i don't look at it as an opportunity for a romantic connection i look at it as people i want to jive with maybe smoke a joint with have a i don't drink a lot anymore so maybe like a virgin mojito with and then maybe have a great fucking threesome right like that for me friends friends is the point and then the sex comes with with some good friendships right but i don't need to date these people I don't need to you know be romantically involved I don't need to have jealousy when they're with other people because it's not romantic it's not meant to be romantic and so I love it I mean yes it you know some some swingers can get feelings for their swinging partners, whatever.
Things go down, things happen. But, you know, people talk about these things. And some people do convert from swingers to polyamory or open relationships.
Because for some people, the more comfortable they get in the lifestyle, the more they realize how blissful and free it is to live a life of hedonistic fun and excitement and especially with some couples where they could just add it as an element of spice and extra to their marriage or their relationship it doesn't detract from any couples it adds even as a single woman i know that my rules have changed i mean at first i you know wouldn't have sex with a straight woman like i would meaning like if i was with sharing a man with a straight woman because i'm like what's the point of that right like i'm not going to be kissing or touching a woman and we're just sharing a dick like that's a total bottleneck situation but now with the right women if i know a straight woman that i get along with really well i would find a way to share a man that would make it work out right like i would just be more patient so that's one of my own rules that changed i think Thank you.
straight woman that I get along with really well I would find a way to share a man that would make it work out right like I would just be more patient so that's one of my own rules that changed I think the no kissing thing is one of the ones that changes a lot there's other other rules like some couples like when they're really scared of this lifestyle they're like okay we can we can have sex with a girl but we can never talk to her again like I'm not recommending that. That's, that's pretty cutthroat, but for some women or something, you know, whatever, they can get a little threatened.
And so they might be like, okay, we have, we need to find a disposable situation. I don't want to be reminded, you know, we can't pick someone we know kind of thing.
And I think that you should, you should work with your partner and find a comfort in this lifestyle by all means and take your time if you need it um but i do think you'll notice the relaxing of rules comes from a relaxing of the pressure of this lifestyle when you realize that it's meant to be an almost like an adult playground and uh yeah it's fantastic so even me i mean i i tell guys no anal right and then i i pick select partners where i want them to to give have sex with me in the ass like it's just totally a hot thing for me sometimes so those rules like i have rules are for different people right like i think the more positive experiences people have in the sex positive and swinger lifestyle where they can sit after sex and laugh and joke around and even go for midnight tacos with the girl that they you know your husband just fucked once you realize that these can be friendships and they're not threatening women or you know for in that example it's life-changing and let me give you a very real example of a dynamic that I think is just one of my ideals for my own life.
There's a couple in the lifestyle I know well that is a married husband and wife and they come to DTF down to fuck nights at the sex club and they split up so they don't actually have sex together at all at the club. They basically split up and the guy goes and has his success or not and the wife goes and has her success or not. They're allowed to check in with one another, of course, and like do all that, but they're not, they fuck all the time at home. Why would they come and fuck at the sex club is their thought, right?
What I like about this dynamic is I'm friends with the wife, even though I fuck the husband one-on-one. I love that this is a very comfortable thing for both me and her.
And I'm telling you this, this woman is very chill and I need I could almost learn from her how to be so chill um but basically she's I'm going to tell you a little upcoming fantasy date that's that's being planned out in a couple days uh the wife and husband are coming to to the city and the wife is going to be dropped off at the at the sex club on a certain theme night that the husband is not that interested in and he's going to be coming to my house to hang out with me while she's at the sex club presenting as a single woman and then like you know like five or six hours later he's going to leave my house go pick her up and they're going to drive home together and this is not the only time they've done this kind of thing right so what's really exciting about that is i can like you know i'm gonna basically order food and like food delivery for him when he's here and i'm gonna add an entree for her and we're gonna send it home with her because i love making her feel like she was included in this because she like basically loaned her husband to me and i want to like give a good gesture that's like hey you were thought of and appreciated and it may not you know maybe it's words maybe it's pad thai that i could send but i just think that yeah i love this lifestyle i'm not a threat because i shouldn't be i'm not a threat especially with this dynamic there is no concern of romantic attachments or anything because we started in this dynamic under very clearly negotiated terms and that's what's so great about the sex positive lifestyle is that you are so early able to negotiate what you're looking for without offending people really as long as you do it well that you really get to hone in on what it is that you really want and you're good at and you're comfortable with.
And, uh, and you can lean into those experiences. Now, are all experiences good in the sex club? And no, I have had my own bad experiences. I know I laugh at the story of having to cry inside of a glory hole because that was the only private moment area I could find.
But let just say you know sex clubs are just like anywhere else there's real humans who have sometimes real life problems marriage problems maybe you know whatever it is stressful day at work caught up with them doesn't matter there's also bad experiences you know a bad touch or whatever like things go down and like everywhere everywhere else. And so it's not all, you know, rainbows and puppy dogs or whatever, but as long as you learn from the experiences and when you do have a bad feeling, like for example, jealousy, it doesn't mean it's game over.
It means let's figure out what caused the jealousy. Let's figure out how we can work together to make sure it doesn't happen again. And then let's check in again after the next experience to make sure it was addressed. Think about that. It's a real example. I was having a foursome one. So I was with a date and then there was a male female couple that came over and all four of us played together, including the guys.
And at one point, one of the guys was having sex with me and then the other two were by my face and the three of us were having a three-way kiss and I had no idea that like later that guy who was having sex with me told me that he felt left out and I was like oh I never well you were inside of me how did you feel left out but he did and i'm glad he said he was because that way i made sure i i would not have done that again right like i would have been waited for him to be part of a four-way kiss you know so it was just one of those things where you know you it's jealousy can happen or hurt feelings can happen and i i know it sucks and it hurts but just like anything else like you a bump or a bruise after a few days and sometimes a good few cry sessions you can get those things out just like you can get massage therapists can get knocked out of your back and you can be better for the experience i have had negative experiences in this sex club even recently and i don't always share on my channel or my podcast all the all the drama or anything because it's not ever about that but it goes to show that you can still learn and adapt and be better for the experiences you had not diminished even if there were negative experiences so that's just it so like for for example there was one time I had a guy who basically tried to face fuck me the first time we ever had sex like grabbed my head and hair and was being pretty aggressive and I learned after that experience that first of all I didn't like that I wanted to do that with men I chose to do that with but I also learned to say something to say something and also to not to maybe say something to men in advance like you know I'm going to do a central blowjob like like it's a non-negotiable kind of thing you know um so bad experiences aren't necessarily always scarring or anything like that a lot of them can just be learning you know learning opportunities I also think that sometimes rules and boundaries can change with certain people even if overall they stay the same.
Now what do I mean by that?
If a couple has a general rule for example if they swing separately or like if they have an open relationship or whatever where basically it means you can have sex outside of the relationship but not other relationships there's sometimes a no sleepover rule like no overnights and that's pretty common I think in certain types of you know limited non-monogamy but sometimes there's a certain comfort level that can be created between certain people in those you know situations that maybe there's exceptions made right like there's exceptions made that are you know okay well the reason we have this rule is because it's to protect our marriage but you know this person's not a threat to our marriage therefore maybe I don't need the rule and I think that's what I'm trying to get at here when I say that you know write your rules in pencil not pen it means your rules are an expression in my opinion of either your insecurity or your genuine attempt to safeguard your relationship which is basically you know it could be all everything at once i am not criticizing the fact that people have rules or boundaries i have them i just want you to realize that you might want to loosen your grip on the rules you have and then and this and the fears you have of this lifestyle because the more you see how ethical it is, the more you will relax into it.
For example, as a single woman unicorn, there's many couples that I have been with that I would never contact the husband alone. It is just not ethically or correct etiquette.
It is important that I always either contact the girl or both of them together in a group chat having said that there's some couple that are very open with me talking with the man separately but that information or that decision would come from the couple not me because I wouldn't try and isolate one of the partners from the other when they were presenting as a couple so once you realize realize that, for example, a couple comes into my life specifically, and like gets to know me and knows that I'm going to protect those boundaries too, I'm not I'm not here to violate those boundaries.
They're they usually relax into it. Yeah, so I hope that I was able to kind of open your mind and say, you know, we move our own goalposts in life. And I think what I mean by that, not only do we move our own rules, but we move our own fantasies. They change, they evolve. So do our rules, right? My first fantasy was a threesome.
Well, after I accomplished like a bajillion of them ish, you know, now I don't fantasize really about threesomes anymore because, you know, I hate to say it because it sounds like, you like you know a little terrible but in a way I've kind of like checked that off my list like been there done that and so if I have a threesome now it would be because I wanted to fuck those people specifically not because I wanted to have a threesome um which is a very different experience as a swinger because before it was about like knocking shit off my list now it's about making connections with these friends and having sexual experiences for you know that are fulfilling for everybody i do not do a good enough job of hawking all of my different websites and businesses and everything because i always tend to like you know want to focus on the real meat and potatoes of like what i'm doing which is the content but i want you to check out tryunicorn.com i've got journal posts i've got recommended products amazon storefronts where you can see the accumulated products and and categorized lists that i have selectively chosen that i think would look good at sex clubs or like you know condoms that i recommend um i even have toiletries like toilet paper that you should you can buy that won't leave lint in your vagina or your ass crack when someone goes to eat you out and there's all these lint balls.
Guys, guys, sometimes, and I've seen it happen, they'll buy their toilet paper at the dollar store thinking they're saving some money. And then that girl who comes over has all these little, like, you know, I don't know, lint balls when you go down there.
Like, no, you've got to invest in good toilet paper so I have lists on amazon.com slash shop slash trying to unicorn you can also get there by the Canadian site with the same link just do the.ca and and check it out there so don't forget I've got a YouTube channel where I have all sorts of videos I have have over 600 videos right now, helpful advice, swinger tips. You know, how do you talk to people at a sex club? You know, what are the topics you should avoid at a sex club? What do you wear at a sex club? You know, all of these are addressed topics on my channel.
So leave a comment, give a rating, please, of five stars. Make sure that this podcast can be, you know, discoverable by other people so that they can benefit as well. Thank you.
