#84-Exploring the "Knight and Princess" dynamic with Mr. X

Transcript

Speaker1: Hey everybody! It is Tarana Unicorn and I am with a special guest Mr. X and he is here to educate me and you get to be the voyeur of that about something he said on Facebook of all places that like piqued my curiosity so fucking much and it was something on the round the princess and knight dynamic. Now I know from someone who I'm talking to experience I'm going to butcher a few things because I'm so new to this idea but I am here to to open the world of kink to people. Even if I'm not super kinky, I like seeing what's out there. I like being able to relay it back to people. And this one in particular, because it personally resonated. So I am so happy to introduce Mr. X. Hello. Hi, everybody. Hi, Toronto Unicorn. So I scoped you out. You were on a popular lifestyle Facebook group, Pineapple Lifestyle 101. about the new year and something along the lines of wanting to, you know, show the different dynamics, you know, how they meant something to you. And you dropped the name Night Princess. So you dropped some information that was new to me. I have explored maybe up to my knees the dominant submissive world. So I got into face fucking for a while. I got into submissive play for a while as an alpha female that was really out of character. And there was something so fucking juicy about it for me. And I loved living through it. And so when I looked at the spectrum of dominant-submissive, I never saw where I was. I truly don't like to submit as much as I like to be treated like a princess and acts of service and, like, rub my feet at night and, like, make me my favorite treat at night. Like, it's just something that didn't quite fit in the DDLG, which is Daddy Dom little girl dynamic. I was looking for the bullseye and I wasn't hitting it and then you said the words night princess and so you were kind enough to send me enough information that I could digest when I asked you hey what is that do you mind explaining and I'm actually going to read it on on on this is that okay oh absolutely okay and so uh what was the source of this because I want to give credit so it's it's like a compilation of all the different websites that are out there to discuss kink dynamics, different conferences I've been to. I've been to DomCon a few times. And so you have guest speakers that talk about the different, you know, dynamics. I basically live, if you don't notice, in a kink dungeon here in San Diego. And so I meet thousands and thousands of people who are on different journeys all the time about where they are in kink, where they're in lifestyle, where they're in non-monogical or sex positive. And so just like you, searching for kind of the labels that fit the different dynamics, because not everything fits and people love labels, including us, you know, trying to identify what am I feeling, what's going on. And so to tell you like one source to say that this is the source, that's just kind of a compilation of a lot of different sources. I have a lot of different notes. Of course, I threw it into my little AI helper to kind of get them all. organized. You know, I am a modern man. So that's the source. If I can bring down any one or book that I've read, I'll just email those to you so you can probably add those at some time. For sure, because there's going to be people that have their curiosity peaked just like me. And so there's just something that resonated about this specifically. And I think I reached out to you. I asked you if I could interview you. I had no idea that you were a man living in a kink dungeon. Did I get that right? I said basically living uh uh if you're okay with a quick backstory um got in the lifestyle about 10 years ago uh very vanilla uh you know just living my life you know ignorant of all the wonderful things that are out there and I met a woman uh named uh Faye Black uh she goes by goddess Faye Black did not know she was a professional dominatrix uh ended up in and realizing that she owns a 3,000 square foot lifestyle club less than a mile from my house. We've been the best of friends for about 10 years. And so this woman's like, hey, why don't you come check out my club? And you don't tell a six foot three beautiful woman, nah. And so I came to her club and it is Pandora's box. I can't get anything back into the box because now it's all out. I've been to lifestyle clubs around the world. This one is just home. So when I say it, my home is basically this kink dungeon. It's just, it's my friend owns it. All my friends go here. It's become community for me. Amazing. I like to reference the Cheers in Alley, like when you show up and everyone knows your name and you feel at home there. I never actually grew up watching Cheers, but I understood the sentiment and I feel the same way about my local club, which was, you know, my caterpillar to, you know, butterfly situation, right? So for me, that's home. And so I totally understand and resonate with that. But it's funny that on the on the internet, you were a username, I had not looked into you on whatnot. And so I just looked at your fet life. And I was like, I really asked for their fet life in advance, because this was really helpful for me to frame that you're very knowledgeable about this. You were I feel like I scratched the lottery ticket and got the winning the person because you know, what you're talking about. And that's more than I knew about this entire idea, this philosophy that you don't necessarily need to submit to have this fun power exchange. I don't know if it's even power exchange. You can see I'm still learning, right? I'm still like, where does it fall? But let me read this description, because this is what got me to say, and I even talked to my boyfriend, I was like, this, listen to this, like, this is what I saw today. Like, I showed him right away. And he said to me. He's like, oh, is this something you want to explore? And I responded and I was like, we already do this. That's what's so crazy is we just do it. He's been my Prince Charming. He affectionately calls me his princess whore. I am such a princess during the day and in a way that we're both very happy with. And then I enjoy just even still being a princess at night. You know, the slept by day, princess by day, slept by night. I never fit into that really either because I'm like, I still want to be a princess in sex. Like, so it's just not, you know. So anyways, this was, this was enlightening to me. So you wrote, I asked for information and you wrote, what is the knight princess dynamic? The knight princess dynamic is a consensual power exchange relationship built around the imagery of a devoted protector, the knight, and a cherished high value partner, the princess. It's a romanticized storybook inspired dynamic rather than a strict set of rules. Fuck rules, if you know what I'm saying. That's how I feel. No offense to the people who like rules. I can understand why everyone's different. It often emphasizes protection rather than control, devotion rather than dominance, cherishing rather than obedience, soft power exchange rather than strict hierarchy. It's sometimes described as a fairy tale coded version of the caregiver protector dynamic. The knight role. The knight archetype typically embodies loyalty and devotion, protective energy, emotional, not physical danger, acts of service, honor, reliability, and steadiness, a desire to uplift and support the princess. The knight's power comes from responsibility and guardianship, not command. The princess role. The princess archetype usually centers on being cherished, valued, and protected, receiving care, attention, and emotional support, soft authority. The princess is someone the knight chooses to serve, grace, gentleness, or playful regal energy, a sense of being special or treasured. The princess's power is often influence, emotional leadership and worthiness, not submission. And then it says how the dynamic functions. This dynamic is typically romantic and nurturing. It leans into fairy tale aesthetics, devotion, rescue fantasies, emotional intimacy, consensual and negotiated, like all kink dynamics. It relies on clear communication and boundaries. Flexible. Some pairs make it very playful and aesthetic. Others treat it as a deeper emotional structure. And it's non-sexual by default. So many people use it purely for emotional roles, rituals, or relationship energy. So how does it differ from other dynamics? And it says, in dominant, submissive, authority, and obedience, the night princess is softer, more mutual, less command-based. I the caregiver and little nurturing regression night princess is more adult to adult rather than a parental yeah I see what what you're saying there I think for the kink new they're like what yes owner pet that's quite extreme on the dom submissive right so the reason this got to me was it's funny and I'll let you speak I promise but like I I grew up with the fairy tales on Disney, just like everyone else. And then we get deconditioned after 40 years of dating to be like, nope, you can't be princess and have a prince. You can't. It's not happening for you. And I was like, I found a way to be like, actually, it is. Because I can have that. I can want that and not be unrealistic if I have the right partner. And so for me, this was just like, oh my God, I get to be like, be the princess rescued from the tower energy, right? So bring it on. So I would love to hear you explain this. I know that you are in a dynamic currently as the knight and you have a princess. So I would love to hear all about that as much as you're comfortable sharing. And then I saw something on your FetLife that I want to ask you about, the term joy friend. So you have a label, I'm a joy friend of someone. A new term to me. I would love to know what that means to you. And then I also want to come back to DomCon. Because I've never heard of DomCon. And I would love to hear more about it. And I think other people would too. So are you comfortable with that agenda? Absolutely. And I'm excited to kind of share all of that with you. Perfect. So why don't you go ahead and I will even mute myself until I have something important to say. Okay. So I've been in the lifestyle. Came in from the swinger side of things about 10 years ago. I was introduced to my friend, the goddess Faye, the owner of House of Black, into Kink. And so started exploring all of that, all that Kink had to offer because I had no understanding. I had no primer for what I was getting myself into. In fact, when I first walked into her space, she had this throne where everybody was genuflecting and kissing the ring because she's six foot three dominatrix, you know, and wearing latex and all the classics. you know things that you expect a dominatrix to look like and I'm like oh my god I'm 35 years old or a little older than 35 and I'm in this sex club of all things with a dominatrix vanilla had no idea what I was getting into and so everybody's genuflecting I'm just standing there and I just see this woman's eyebrow raise and I'm like oh no I'm in trouble and she steps up towers over everybody and walks to me and I first thing I notice and I'm a huge and she's got on lightsaber earrings which are just kind of subtle red and you can't really pull them out unless you know what you're looking for in her whole dominatrix thing and i made a bad nerd joke and said hey i bet your favorite spaceship is slave one because she's a dominatrix and we end up stalking star wars all night as all these other submissives were vying for attention and not knowing who this weird dude who just walked through the door is all of a sudden the center of this woman's attention And we ended up becoming fast friends. And so through here, I had an opportunity to start exploring dynamics, power exchanges. The first one, I went heavy with the master-slave, dominant-submissive dynamic, thinking, you know, hey, I'm a super dominant guy. This woman wants me to rule her life, pick out her clothes, tell her what she wants to eat. We're signing these contracts. And I didn't realize how much work that became. You know, the, you know, I was a parent. This was more than parenting because I had to care for every second of this person inside and out. And the relationship lasted about a year when I realized that it's not something that I wanted. She was getting everything she wanted out of it. And I was just burning myself out because everyone, you know, thinks in their head that a dominant just sits here and their drink gets brought to them, their cigar gets lit, their feet get, you know, massaged, their cock gets sucked. All these things are just happening automatically because you snap your fingers. No. Women are challenging for most men. And a woman who has a big need to have someone in charge of them, you're now catering to every aspect of their life. And that was a lot of work. And so I thought, let's explore different dynamics. And then I went into the Daddy Dom Baby Girl. And that one is closer as long as it's not anything I gear more towards adult-adult relationships. I feel uncomfortable if there's childlike behavior. But the idea of mentoring and taking care of, but that person's still having autonomy in different aspects of their life. I wasn't in charge of all of their life. I like that one. So I have a few dynamics where that's a more fitting label, but there's not childlike aspects to that. And then last year, I volunteered in San Diego once a year. All the different clubs come together for this joint club, like social gathering from the swinger side to leather, to the furries. Everybody gets together and we put up tables and we talk about the thing because everyone turns into an autistic kid talking about trains when you start asking about their lifestyle, their kink, what they're into. So everybody wants to talk and explain all the details. And in walks this, you know, kind of nondescript girl in skinny jeans, a black hoodie, but, you know, she's not really trying to make herself stand out. And something about her caught my eye. And I went up and, you know, started engaging her. And there was just this powerful innocence about her. Not that she was naive, but she wanted to see the joy in everything. And I'm like, I need to know this person. I mean, she's way too young for me. You know, I'm she's got all these things that all these people, all these men, all these women that she has access to just by being present. For whatever reason, she said yes to to a date. And we went out, we had conversations, brought her back to different kind of, you know, the House of some different sex club stuff, some meet and greets. And, you know, we, we got through all the sex stuff. We had all the sex stuff that we were going to have, but we still wanted that dynamic to go on because it was growing differently. And I don't know if it was her or me that brought it up that, you know, I don't feel like you're a traditional lover to, because like when we go to the sex club, I, I want to protect you from all the badness that's here it doesn't matter where you go you always get the bad feeling and the way she makes me feel with the giddiness and the expectation of the protection the mentorship and she's not dominant I'm not dominant she's not submissive I'm not submissive but we get to fall into these roles where I feel like I get to take care of her and you know and there's this fun, unrequited love concept of it. Like, have you ever seen Game of Thrones with Khaleesi and the old knight who is in love with her? And she doesn't give him the time of day, but he has to watch her, you know, and try and steer her in directions, even though she's going to make mistakes, because at the end of the day, she's the queen, she's the princess, she's the actual one that has the authority, whereas I've got to try and guide and protect, even if she doesn't notice that I'm guiding or protecting her. And it got really, you know, I'm thinking about all the Arthurian stuff, Winnevere, King Arthur, Lancelot. She loves the, you know, she grew up on the Disney princesses, you know, so Sleeping Beauty, Aurora happens to be her favorite one. But, you know, she goes through all these different things. So it just kind of, we sat down and we kind of, we're having a conversation one time and we kind of defined it, set the rules, some expectations, some ideas of boundaries in our relationship. And so now, we go to a lot of things together where she's on my arm. And, you know, she can interact the way she interacts, but she looks to me for advice. I feel protective. She feeds me that joyful innocence that I want to be around. And I also get to feel like the hero of the night in a lot of different situations. And it's a really good exchange of energy and stuff without having to deal with it. I don't mean to talk about other dynamics like a brat because she's not bratty. So usually when you have a young girl and a daddy baby girl dynamic, there's this brat aspect that I don't have to interact with because it doesn't truly appeal to me. And then younger men who are immature and are thirsty and come at her sideways turns her off. So she gets the guy who will open her door, the guy that will help tighten her corset, you know. And, but if she says, hey, eat my ass, my mouth is there, you know. So there's so much that we give each other that feeds both of those parts of our lives. And I think we understand, too, that, you know, it's not a, there's not a permanence to the relationship either, as if she finds her prince charming. I am the knight. I am not prince charming. You know, she is not my wife or my queen or whatnot. So there's always going to be this distance between us in a relationship. So the romance has this taboo or just, you know, unrequited feel to it. It's so exciting and a lot of things to feel all those feelings. Does that make sense? I feel like it relates to Romeo and Juliet a way, like the way that the love is not supposed to cross those lines, but they did. And now, you know, you're living some experience of that. Does that relate? Yeah, it's, you know, there's a, you know, taboo-ness to it or people standing in your way that say you can't have this, be in society or whatever, you know, and so, you know, it even makes it, you know, I don't want to use the word fun, but more interesting that there is an age distance and a gap that is very noticeable between the two of us. If you saw my FetLife, she's the profile picture, she's the one sitting on my knee, you know, and so you can see that, You know, she's significantly younger than me, but she is all adult, all grown up. There's not any childlike aspect to it. You know, so we talk to things about what does she want to do in the future? How's her things going? You know, what are some choices that she can make? She asked me because I have experience and I can give her those advice. And or if there's things like, hey, I'm going to go downtown, you know, and I don't feel comfortable. I'm like, hold on. I'll be downtown to kind of go around with you because, you know, then I get I get my needs fulfilled because I have a superhero complex. I've had it since I was young. I want to be a warrior. I want to be in charge of things. So I joined the service and did all this different stuff to really grow my superhero thing. And as I got to a point in my life that I did all the superhero stuff I wanted to do, but now I find myself without anyone to give my superhero energy to. And this woman appears in my life. is just wants all of it, and I want all that she has to provide. It just was perfect kismet to create, you know, use another word, serendipity that we met and fell into this dynamic. True, and I see like a yin and a yang, a balance of imbalance, if that makes sense, but it's just, it's a beautiful concept, and it's funny because you explained the knight princess very well, but I realized that I think I'm with my and princess. So it's a little different, I think. But I'm like, this is the fun of it, is you can design, like, you know, people go to Starbucks and they're like, oh, have a half-calf, triple foam, extra high. Go and order your sex life like that. Go and order your romance life like that. And you'd be crazy. It's crazy. It comes. You get these experiences. You get to be the superhero, right? You get to be the white knight. You get to have that fantasy fulfilled, even if it's from a different place than maybe a sexual fantasy would stem from, in a way. Right. So it's there's a lot of emotional fantasies out there that even add sex makes it better, but they don't even need sex. Well, you brought up your prince, the idea of the prince and princess. So what is one of the scariest things about a princess looking for a prince? The classic story of the princess and the frog. How many frogs do you have to kiss to find your prince? And, you know, as you see modern fairy tales and whatnot, the prince always seems to be of the story. And one of the things that we've actually talked about is she really enjoys how I treat her from opening doors or taking her out to dinner or the conversations where I treat her with respect and then I also kind of demand respect from her or if she's disrespectful, I'll say, hey, you should probably engage with people this way. And, you know, even though she's a beautiful woman, I don't think I've commented on her beauty in a long time. It's, you know, let's talk about your intellect. Let's talk about the things that you're passionate about. Let's talk about your, you know, how you're interacting with the world. So she said it, one of the things that I really brought to her is now she knows what she wants from a prince. You know, the bar, because, you know, I actually teach classes on single guys and how to come into the lifestyle, because some of them come in so thirsty. and different paths because they just want the cookie. You know, they have no idea how to get there. And I don't know when or why or what it was, but I've always been about the chivalry of things and the connection of things. And so when I'm with a woman, you know, I try to bring, elevate the experience because that's what I want to experience. and get that out of it. So I was surprised at how many women can walk to a car nowadays and not have a door open for them. Or a guy picks her up for a date and will stay in the car and honk the horn for her to come out or text her, I'm here, and she comes out and gets in the car, let alone remember even to unlock the door. So, you know, like the other day, Sunday, we went out on a date. And I'm okay if a woman wants to attempt to pay. It makes me feel good that you the reach, you know, but I'm like, I make so much more money than you. I know what's going on. Please, you made the reach. You've done the thing. I'm paying for everything. And she was like almost crying. She's like, no, I just want to buy you one thing to show you how much you appreciate to me. I'm like, I'm going to let you buy this thing for me, but I'm letting you know that it's not an expectation because I've had relationships in the past where the relationship got into taking advantage of the fact that I'm chivalrous, you know, and she She has not, and I don't think she has the capability to do that. So she now has a higher expectation of how she wants to be treated by a man without being, you know, what's the word I'm looking for? Entitled, you know, or I'm supposed to be treated this way, or I'm aloof or arrogant. She understands that there are qualities in her that she needs to give to a man in order to elicit the chivalry and all that stuff. Because if you're disrespectful or cunty or bratty, all these things, a man doesn't want to spend time with you and he's going to stop wanting to be chivalrous for you. And the fact that she really appreciates all the things that I do and I appreciate all the things she does, we can keep this dynamic going. You are so well spoken on this topic. I'm very happy that we were able to sit down and talk about it. You said something really fascinating about your fulfillment. You said that it fed you joyful innocence. And I would love to hear you elaborate on what that feeling is like. Is it like Pac-Man getting the dots? Like, is it feed me, feed me all this joy because it makes me feel good? Like, is that the energy? Well, so I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. It's just I've been a lifetime lifestyle choice. And I always feel good and joyful. I try to. But there's times that, you know, you're kind of just low and level. And when you see someone just interacting with the universe innocently, you know, and the princess thing comes up where you walk in the woods and she's singing and the birds are landing on her hands. And you just see all the darkness and evil in the world. But it's just this bubble of light that just exists there. and just watching it just experiencing it even if you're just just you know seeing it through binoculars you feel better knowing that this is out there and you're out there fighting all the demons every day and this makes it worthwhile and rare people that have that that innocence that they bring to the universe like like i said she's not naive she's not dumb you can't take advantage of her she is very capable and and understands the sovereignty of her own body, person, and spirit. But if you see this human being walk into a room, everyone's going to turn and go, I just want to sit there like a fire. You're warming yourself up from it. And that's what I feel when I'm around her. And it gets somewhat addictive. I like the way I feel around you because I spend 90% of my life in the darkness fighting the demons. And when you get that light, and in the cold and she's warm it just really you know fills you up. Right absolutely and I think for me my dynamic is also a really sweet and caring from my side to his side I can hold him when he's you know in bed and like make him feel warm and safe too it's just it's this balance of beautiful reciprocal energy like to see he keeps saying something like the king or queen protecting the king or he's using analogies from But we're just trying to put our finger on it, right? Like where our sweet spot is. And so we're still learning. But the knight and princess dynamic is just now one branch of a tree. Now there's, you know, prince and princess. So I'm still going to keep looking for this. But I would also love to hear what is a joy friend? This is something you've identified as, you know, sometimes people say in a relationship with or play partners with on FetLife. But you say it's joy friend of. So what is joy friend of? So I met her, you know, in kind of fluid lifestyle stuff. And this woman has eyes that will see through your soul. And I am not a cuck, you know, but I definitely have compersion that if somebody's enjoying something, I'll enjoy it with them. She's one of the few women that makes me feel jealous feelings when men are having sex with her. And for some reason, we've become friends. And we go dancing and do all this other stuff. And I didn't want to relegate her to a play partner. Because it's very temporary in my life. When I say play partner, it's someone I have pickup sex with at a club or booty call at the night or whatnot. But it's not someone I'd want to share time with specifically. I mean, I will go share time. But it's not, I don't plan my life around them. I don't put any bookends. And so for her, you know, when I saw the option of Joyfriend on FetLife of like, not a play partner, not a lover. She's married, her and her husband have a great dynamic. I'm not polyamorous, although a lot of people think that I would be because I have a longtime play partner, longtime life partner. We've been together seven years now. We live together. We met in the lifestyle. We played together, played separately. and fulfill a lot of different needs for each other. And none of these dynamics take away from my foundational relationship. But I found I could never be polyamorous with the idea of, like, I've got this one woman at home that I can give all my love energy to. And I know other people are like, oh, I can love more than one people. It's just not something that I can do. And so, you know, Joy Partner, you know, when I, the original post that you saw on Facebook was, Valentine's Day is coming up. I never really thought about how this is until someone up at work brought up about you know who all the side pieces are going to be come on Valentine's Day because it's who gets the dinner spot you know on Valentine's Day breakfast spot the brunch spot the night before the night after and I was like I've got all these people that I enjoy with I have love for all of my Valentine's love energy is going to go to my my my partner my wife my girlfriend whatever we want to call her you know but I also want to recognize that I'm going to go to my partner and I these other people that have pieces of my life. And, you know, and so Joyfriend is not a lover, not a play partner, but some, you know, it just kind of, we love spending time together and we have sex and it's amazing. And I love watching her have sex with other people. And, and if there's a group thing going on, I will figure out how to get to her, you know? So it's that kind of dynamic. Well, thank you. You have enlightened me with a lot of different terms today. And then you had mentioned that you have been to, I think, what's probably a conference or something, convention called DomCon. Can you elaborate what that is and what people could expect to go to something like that? So DomCon is held in New Orleans, and it's held in Los Angeles. They do it twice a year. And the only reason I know is because Faye is the one that kind of got me into that part of there's actually conventions for all of this stuff. I think I watched one of you. You went to Taboo or something like that. I was watching your videos. So just imagine a conference like that where you have vendors in one floor. They're selling all the kink things you can imagine. But then there's classes and interactions and just discussion groups where the rest of the hotel is broken up. So there are, you know, dominatrixes are more visible and more vocal than doms are. Doms seem to get their hands on the one little one and they hide them in their room where dominatrixes want to, I need to be seen in Peacock and, you know, I didn't spend five grand on this dress to just beat your ass in it. I want the world to see me. So I have a lot of dominatrix friends now, you know, that I receive. and they respect me and so dom con is a real powerful feminine voice of the dominatrix is to get together to celebrate each other they give each other awards like you know hey here's the you know someone who's influenced the community the most this year through social media you know and they it's all it's almost like the grammys where they vote on each other so it's it's all internal and then they have classes like you know stuff that you're talking about here like i want to discuss a dynamic i want to learn how to I'll use this implement better or, you know, dominant submissive and where they get their submissives to talk about what is the expectation of my role as a dominant and the different stuff. And it's three days. And, you know, it's like eight hour days. So you're going there. It's a lot of learning. There are some exhibitions of different techniques and whatnot that they do. But I think most people go there for the educational aspect and just to share and all of that with like like-minded people for a long weekend, you know, and discuss things. And it's just a bigger community. It's worldwide. People come from all over the world to come to it. So you can look it up, DomCon, and just Google it, and it should come up. Faye was the dominatrix of the year or the mistress of ceremonies several times back in the day. And so she carries some of her reputation and authority as She's internationally known. So it's fun watching people run up and recognize her because, you know, you can't walk around the universe looking like her and people not knowing. A good example, I did 29 years in the military. And when we first met and we first, I took her to a military ball and she just won some big award at DomCon. So one of the awards was this full length mermaid cut latex ball gown. I'm 5'11", she's 6'3", without heels, and she wears a 7-inch stiletto platform. So she's now about 7 feet tall. And so imagine walking into a military ball with a 7-foot tall woman who you can probably fit your fingers around her waist, you know, and she has, you know, massive augmentation. And, you know, the DJ stops, everyone looks at me, I'm getting kicked out of the military today. So we sit down at the table and we're chatting and whatnot. She gets up to go to the restroom with, you know, the girls that are excited to see who the hell this person is, all these wives. And one woman's talking to her and they know each other. And the guy's like, hey, Mr. X, how does my wife know your friend? And I'm like, that's between you and your wife. I'm not having that conversation. And so, you know, she's, you know, you become friends with a famous dominatrix and you get to things like DomCon. So is DomCon more female Dom or also male Dom? It is definitely for more female energy led, but they make space for male energy. You know, so there's a male dominant that has a voice, has something to say, has a, some, you know, lessons to teach or something to give to the group. They are more than welcome to hear it. That is fascinating that you can go to a dominatrix convention. I know I just recently went to my very first swinger because I'm more the swinger side, not the kink side, right? And I went to my very first swinger hotel takeover, 300 swingers. It was the coolest thing I had been to. I have a vlog covering it with interviews with some of the people, including the orgy directors that were wearing matching shirts there with like a room set up for orgies with everything you could even need, including all the hair elastics and, and, uh, extra sheets, water bottles. Like it was, it was really cool. And so my next event coming up is it's Valentine's in Niagara. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it, but it's a very large convention of swingers in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada, and it's coming up just next month. And I'm going to actually be a workshop teacher. So I'm going to give a workshop on, you know, just kind of the, the raw truth about threesomes. I started the lifestyle as a single woman unicorn. I had a lot of exposure. to what that's like. And, uh, you know, I have some advice to give from that perspective. So I'm really excited to go and see it all, but I'm like, there's such a bigger world, even outside of swinger, right? Swinger is just what I see. And I'm not even that hardcore of a swinger. Like I had some fun in that world, but now I'm like, let's just have a, a, a unicorn for me and my partner. That's what I want. I don't want to swap. Um, I don't, it's me personally. I don't have a craving to suck another man's dick once I'm in love. with a guy. I'm very sex positive and open minded, but yet it just doesn't really occur to me. And I'm demisexual. I need a connection before I'll have sex with someone. So is it possible I could open up more in the future? Maybe. But I think the fun of this lifestyle, especially as an educator of the lifestyle, is to show how nuanced it is and how you can carve out your space that is so specific to you. Forget about what a label might mean to someone else. You know, maybe my version of being a princess. the treatment would be different than maybe your version or what somebody likes and so for me it's a it's a beautiful awakening journey that the sky is the limit right to you know to design your perfect sex life your perfect romantic life uh so i really i really loved having this topic explored with you i've never even knew who was showing up to the zoom meeting and i and i'm very happy uh with who did because i took a chance but i I appreciated that you took time to give me some education in that Facebook group because that's what it's for right it's you know it's for people who are learning the lifestyle and just what just that one post has now sparked a podcast episode right and expanding other people's world so just never under never underestimate the impact educating has and you said you offer a course for single men can you give me information about that and maybe a website well it's organic here So the owner of the House of Black needed someone to kind of host this speed dating thing she had an idea for. And so lifestyle speed dating, kinky speed dating. It was so funny because you keep using the word swingers. I'm around so many sex positive people nowadays. I can kind of tell either where they are from in the world or what their age is by the words they use to describe, you know. So when someone says swinger, I'm like, okay. you're over 40 you're probably from this part of the world and like how do you know that I'm like because if you were this a this group you'd be ethical non-monogamous you'd be sex positive or all these different labels that they give themselves so they don't sound like the the group that came before them because it's like when you talk about people like oh I don't use Facebook that's for old people I use you know Instagram and people like oh swingers are so gross I'm like but you're in the orgy at the sex club oh we're ethically non-monogamous I love the language and how it expands. So back to the speed dating thing, and her venue, she tries to curate the number of single men because there is that thing in the lifestyle world where single guys kind of have a bad reputation, but you can also imbalance an event or a party because you don't monitor how many single guys come in. and so the speed dating didn't have a limit on single guys so I would have several unicorns a lot of couples show up and then I'd have 40 single dudes all of them have never done anything in the lifestyle so they thought because they came through the door and they have a penis they're getting laid and you know it was a lot of conversation that they've never had about consent conversations they've had about just how to treat your fellow human being trying to deprogram them from the porn experience of, you know, if the music starts, we're going to do all the things, you know, and just say that, you know, your success in the lifestyle or your success in non-monogamy or just even your success with women or relationships, I don't care if you're gay, whatever, you know, because we explored all of that, especially the younger generation is much more open to pansexuality, different sexualities than the older. swingers are which is a whole other podcast for you uh so um these men i just found at the the thing i was spending more time with them having conversations about that to the point where it ended up just being single men coming to listen to me pontificate and mentor you know because the people that i had conversations with would go on to be more successful and have better reputations within the community than those that would you know show up you know because people would even ask, oh, you know, Mr. X, does he vouch for you? Or you talk to Mr. X. It got to the point where I go to meet and greets and every couple group or whatnot would send all the single guys for me to vet them, you know, and they come back. So what do you think about that single guy? I'm like, that's up to you, but he needs some work on what you're expecting because, you know, you can have the biggest dick in the world. You can have the best, you know, cardio in the world, the biggest wallet, all these different things that you think provide. access temporarily, like everybody wants the big dick at the party, but once everybody's had the big dick at the party, you have nothing else in your toolbox but, you know, a 12-inch cock, you're not going to get the follow-on call unless it's like, hey, honey, remember that 12-inch cock we saw at the party? Do you have his contact info? They invite you over, you're there for 30 minutes, you do your thing, and they're like, get out. Yeah. And so, as I found myself getting more and more invited to different parties and people Commenting on my behavior and how I acted, I did some self-reflection of what are those things that I'm doing differently than those other guys? And is it quantifiable enough for me to give back to them without, you know, sounding like an arrogant asshole or like I know better? You know, it's just like, hey, come along here. Dude, I'm going to let you know that that woman hears she's beautiful 300,000 1,000 times a day. Her husband hears every one of you single guys come up and tell her how beautiful she is and how much you want to have sex with her. No one's had a conversation with him today, and no one's commented on anything else but her looks. Why don't you be different? Go have a conversation with him. Maybe ask what she likes, you know? Hey, those are really, really great shoes. What came first? The shoes or the dress? Because I have been in enough relationships to know the nightmare, that happened because you found the perfect dress and you don't have the shoes you found the shoes and you don't have the dress and the big event you're going to and Niagara Falls is coming up and you don't have your outfits picked out and you are killing it with those shoes talk me through this story you know and I don't you know it's not for me to come off like your girlfriend or whatnot but it's to show genuine interest in this thing that you're trying to present and that opens up the other conversations of like you know I like this color and then you can get deeper because you can't really trauma dump and dive deep at a lifestyle club, you know, and think that that's the pathway to sexual success. But like you said, you're demisexual. You have to get a connection. How do I get that connection with you and be sincere and genuine and authentic in wanting a connection with you? And so many men and women and couples don't know how to create a connection. They don't know how to seduce. They don't know who. I find it funny. Like, couples think that they can just show up to a thing and because they're couples and whatnot. Like, as a unicorn, I'm sure you've experienced this, where couples come up to you and we want to have sex with you. And that's the extent of the conversation. Oh, yeah. I was asked if I did anal before they asked my name. And so, trying to teach a couple, you guys have been married for 20 years. you've never had to date or seduce. And maybe you didn't even have to date or seduce when you guys got married. And that's why you're in the lifestyle now, because you've had to explore something new. You've never learned. Hey, wow, that necklace, what does it say on it? You know, that's really interesting. And you notice that you wear a lot of black and gray and silver and white. So that's your color palette. You know, what kind of sends you that way? If I opened up your closet, how many black dresses do you have? You know, and so, oh, you're, you started this podcast. I can see that you've got the subscribe. You've got the stuff in your, your window. And really, it's about the person. You know, you want to travel. You're exploring. You've got a boyfriend. You've got this interest in princess stuff. It opens up so much more of the conversation than nice shoes, want to fuck. Oh, yeah. It's so true. And maybe not everyone's like that. Maybe everyone doesn't need that foundational beginning of connection. I know my friend's a sapiosexual. She gets really turned on by somebody talking about being, like, important at their job or good at, like, some scientific project. And it's just interesting how we all have our fires lit a little differently. But I love exploring this world. And it's a good lead-on or a lead-in. But basically, I am trying to shift into the educational side of this lifestyle because it was a missing component for me when I was new. And so one of the things that I've just done is I've made a PDF document that I offer free to people to sign up on my website, torontounicorn.com. It is a swinger. Now I'll always hear my age, 40-something, when I say swinger, but I'm 42. the Swinger Lifestyle Starter Kit. And I put lots of my effort and energy into making a comprehensive, easy to understand and read guide that includes, you know, misconceptions, what to bring to a sex club, you know, the etiquette, what not to do, as well as a glossary of terms and what they're, you know, the most common usage is. And so if you want to get that information, it is free. You can get it on my website. I'm going to be building more of these as well as digital courses to offer more comprehensive education and training for people to get almost in a way like life hacking their success to the lifestyle because there is an onboarding experience and if you come in as a single guy looking for the cookie you're gonna not get the cookie most likely um and so if you come in acting a little differently looking for connection being authentic you have much a better chance of not only having a cookie but like making cookies with somebody next time you know so i want to start leaning into that and so um i'm really i'm hoping i can reach out to you maybe down the line and we can do some sort of collab on this, because I'm also a woman, and I don't want to be speaking for men as well as much. All of the content on my Toronto Unicorn channel is about trying to uplift the single male experience as well. For example, when I run gangbang scenes for my friends, I treat the men very equally, and I ask what their fantasies are. They're not just a rented dick for me. It's like some of the guys are just, it really like softens my heart, because some of the guys were so nervous, but they came together. gangbang night and so everyone assumes they just want to be in a gangbang but the truth was they just one guy said he wanted to hold hands with someone that's what his goal was for the night and guess what he got to do it while another guy fucked her in the pussy so i was able to make magic happen for all the guys too and you know why i did that because my first time watching a gangbang i saw what i interpreted as a female dominatrix but somebody who was i think assuming dominance over the men in the room which i don't think is a good thing to do at a sex club. And I saw how she was treating them and talking to them. And I was like, that's not going to get a lot of positive reaction from people. Maybe some guys, sure. But it really felt like you need to be careful who you assert your dominance over, especially in a sex club, even if you are a hot woman or whatnot, right? So I really learned from that just the humanizing of single men. And so I really love the opportunity to kind of build on maybe a new free pdf for them to download that's all about the single male right um so maybe i can uh you know talk to you again in the future and we can do some kind of collab but did you want to mention um house of black absolutely but i wanted to touch face like you were talking about advocating for the the humanization of men uh one of the events that that i host is couples and unicorns uh because that's the ultimate goal is every couple needs to find this unicorn and what i what i found over the years is this idea, and you as a unicorn, you talked about, they asked you if you did anal even before they asked your name, is this, you know, this, this sexification doll of what a unicorn is, you know, and they think that because that's what they are, that they're this slut that wants to come in and do all the things, and so the amount of time I spend trying to teach couples on how to please respect the unicorns, they're just not here, You know, for your entertainment, they are humans, they want to be respected, you know, and they have a choice in all of this. And it's funny how many couples will talk themselves out or behave their way out of a unicorn experience just because they just don't know how to behave or interact. And so thank you for advocating for the single guy, which is even a bigger challenge that I have experienced so much. And I, you know, I try to, Minimize that way, like I said, teaching the guys to not be that single male, you know, the one that becomes the the meme or the stereotype. Yeah, exactly. I almost think that's the title. Don't be that guy. Because like, people don't want to fuck that guy. People think that guy's a little creepy. Like, like, you know, so I, I love the idea of educating. And I've had a couple men come up to me in the sex clubs, because that's usually where I'm recognized. I'm not recognized in the grocery store. I'm recognized in the sex clubs. And so I've had men come up to me and thank me specifically for how I talked about men, because there's a lot of, you know, they might get attached to an influencer out there or a content creator telling something, and then they'll start to hear resentment in some of the tone. I don't have that, right? And I, and I, I, even when I studied in university, I even studied women's studies at the time. It was, it's called gender studies. Now I wrote about males, emotional oppression, right? Like I've looked at the male perspective and I love taking that into to the sex clubs. Because single men, some of them deserve the rap they get. I see it all the time. But some are just trying to be a human in a world that they are trying to understand quickly, you know? What I find interesting is having been involved, you know, the House of Black, which is a San Diego-based kink lifestyle club, not a swingers club. Not to make the distinction, but it makes a difference, you know, in language because people, you know, want the right language. But it brings into play what you were just talking about. So people come in and their first question, especially couples, is like, you let single guys in here. How does that go? And I said, oddly enough, we actually kick out more married women for consent violations than single men. And they're like, what do you mean? I said, there is something that women have, you know, and I'm not being misogynistic. It's just, you know, observational. You know, women aren't always told no. And especially in the lifestyle swinger community, you know, they're the ones everyone's trying to get to. So they're appeased and put on pedestals. And so they get a sense of entitlement. And so when you go to a, you know, I kind of use this and it's not real, but it kind of makes sense. I say at a swingers club, it's a yes until it's a no. Because everyone expects you walked in, you came for the sex, you came for the thing, you came for the touch, you know. And so for a woman to walk up and grab your ass and say nice ass, that's completely acceptable and almost expected in a swingers club. Like, oh, this woman's attracted to me. This is how she's showing attraction. She's shooting, you know, I've got a nice ass. But if you come into a kink club and you grab somebody's ass without asking, you're now in a huge consent or a violation. And a lot of the married women are, like, confused about, like, I just grabbed his ass. Like, who doesn't want a hot girl to grab your ass? Who doesn't want a hot girl to grab your dick? And I said, everybody does, but you also have to ask, you know, and so in kink, it's a no until it's a yes. So it starts with a no, like, you know, even the conversation, may I have a conversation with you? Is it okay to compliment you? You know, because the kink world and BDSM is so, I mean, hyper-vigilant on consent, whereas in the lifestyle and swinging, like a greeting between women who've never known each other, it's not uncommon for a woman to see a pair of breasts she really likes and walk up and go oh my god these are so great at a lifestyle club and it's almost normalized i don't know what swinger clubs you've been to because in toronto ontario you can't touch me on the shoulder without consent and it's culturally the the issue if someone grabbed my tits they'd be kicked out and i would insist on it well and that's what we believe here too but right there's there's enough of that culture out there. In the normal clubs, in vanilla clubs, I would almost expect it more for a guy. I remember going on a date with a guy, a first date, and we show up at the restaurant and he puts his arm around my body and I grabbed it and handed back to him. I was like, just chill. I just want to put it on the record because consent is a huge part of the culture I'm part of with the swinger lifestyle. I do have some American friends from California, California, and they talked about how different the consent culture is in Canada, downtown Toronto especially, versus even their own home club. So it's very possible that the culture of swinging and the lifestyle experience does differ from club to club. But I just want to reassure people in the Toronto and Ontario area, it's very protected. And even this one man, I remember he was a very attractive man. He was new to the sex club, and I was giving him some coaching on the side of the wall, whatever and he's like so so no one can touch me right and i was like yeah and he's like even women and i was like yeah and he was like he was so relieved because he was so sick of being grabbed just because he was a pretty boy and i was like absolutely body autonomy is so important even for men right oh i agree 100 that's and that it was just but it's just one of those things that women are surprised that they can't do that like i'm like oh man i can't grab your ass then he reached to grab my ass like to test the waters and i'm like no i'm like i want I want you to grab my ass but we haven't had that conversation yet yeah it's so true I remember making that mistake when I was in I was inexperienced at flirting in the clubs and I would literally smack men on the ass I would never do that now in a club or anywhere else but yeah some of us just are clueless some of us don't know and so that's why people like you and I exist to help you know help people learn to to thrive in a world that they're eager to explore and so that they can land on their feet and instead of you know spinning out and I just want to offer an opportunity for you to mention House of Black. I don't know what it is, if it's a business or not. It's up to you to describe it. So you can go to HouseofBlack.com. It's its website. So Goddess Faye Black started the House of Black 10 years ago as a safe, clean, classy place for dominatrixes to come ply their trade. And so she wanted this place that was female, energy driven, people felt safe. And so she found this, you know, industrial complex building that she converted into her sex dungeon. So 3,000 square feet, seven themed rooms of all this stuff that was dedicated to BDSM and kink. Well, she started evolving and becoming a swinger, non-monogamous and exploring different dynamics. And she like, she noticed that swingers were coming for her BDSM stuff and BDSM people were going to swing her stuff. Why don't we just kind of bring it all together? And so she started, you know, the Kinky Lifestyle Club. And so it brings a whole unique energy. There's several clubs in the San Diego area. There's, you know, we're right next to LA. We're right next to Vegas, Palm Springs. So you have 31 flavors of any kind of sex ice cream you want to lick. And so she created a unique environment, you know, where all that stuff can come together and you can let your freak flag fly. You know, you want to have sex, but now you want to have sex with wearing a horse mask. This is the place for you. And she really, really prides herself on her reputation, you know, that brand of clean, classy and safe. And, you know, a lot of people recommend, oh, if you're just starting out, go to the House of Black. It's so safe. You don't have to worry about it. They're so big on consent that you, you know, because a lot of people are concerned when they first come in about, oh, if I walk in the club, someone's going to put a dick in my ear, you know. And so she's created an environment and reputation where you can come and you can just voyeur for months. There's no expectation because you came through the doors that you need to have sex with anyone. And because there's the foundation in the Keek and BDSM world, you know, they're bringing those, merging those two, you know, and educating people on expectations. Everyone who walks through the door, I kid you not, they must get tired of it, from the door person. they get a full rundown of what consent is and what the expectations of consent and how to have communications here in the House of Black. Then you go up to the top of the stairs and we have hosts. They give you tours and they tour the space and during the tour they talk only about consent and the expectations and you know how you should behave. And then every one of our events there's kind of this social time and then you know you can play at any time but for some reason people feel they need permission from the universe that now is play time. So we've kind of created a we call it uh we're gonna do announcements and we go first thing we do is we go over every consent rule you know the doors and doors are gonna stay open this is what consent is you know if someone says maybe later that's a no unless it's an enthusiastic yes maybe later doesn't mean you follow them around the rest of the night the club asking if it's now yet is it now yet you've already you've already put your hey i'm interested in you out there if that person with you they'll come back to it you don't need to keep reminding them or follow them like puppy dogs throughout the club and everywhere they're playing, you're like, you know, and so we give people that, that the comfort of like, you're not, that's not what you're going to experience here. No is no, unless it's enthusiastic. Yes. And, you know, give people space. The universal rule is just don't be an asshole. And every door in the, in the room here, all those rules are there too. So we're very rule driven, but not enough to be a turnoff, but enough to be a turn on. if that makes sense. Oh, yeah. For sure. Enough to feel safe. I know I feel safe completely naked walking around the sex club, even if there's men around. Like, I feel completely safe as a woman. I just, when you have a culture of safety and consent, you know, that's when people are going to thrive, including, you know, with single women. So, are you comfortable sharing your FetLife name with people, or do you want to keep that to yourself? You can. On FetLife, I'm MrX underscore SD. Okay. You can go there. On Cassidy, I'm just Mr. X on Plura. I think I'm Mr. X. I don't know what you guys have in Toronto, but down here in the Southwest, Cassidy is our largest swinger kind of Facebook. It's where everybody gets on and makes all their dates and all the parties are advertised. Plura is a more wooey version of that. So it deals with, you know, like Tantra and, and what's to do with the conversations about polyamory and sex positivity and the community and connections of things. Plura is, I think, a little more softer and touchier and kind of has a incense burning in the background in my head. I'm sure there's a gong and a papasan chair. But Plura is a great place to explore if you haven't where you start looking at the education of things where swingers are, you know, they really don't want to sometimes always learn about things. But those people that are seeking out education will probably go more towards Plura. You're seeking out sex, you'll probably go towards Cassidy. If you're seeking out your taboes, you hit up FetLife. And every region has their own version of all of these, you know, that are more popular, SLS, SLC, depending on where you are in the United States, or even the world of which is more popular in your region. It's so true. I get asked a lot, like, oh, what's the best website? And I was like, you know, there's a lot of them, and it depends on your vibe and what you're looking for. So I don't even give an answer. I just, I use what I use. But yeah, I appreciate you sharing your life, because I'll also link it in the description of the podcast, because you are somebody that people might want to be like, wow, I want to see more. What is this lifestyle like? So thank you for being a window for people to see what's possible for anyone who has a superhero fantasy, you know, put that on the table, because this isn't just for, you know, what women can get out of sex. This is for what does anybody want to get out of this lifestyle or, or fulfill a fantasy, even if it's not even from a sexual place. So I appreciate your And yeah, I'm really, I'm really excited to get this episode live. So thank you for inviting me. And, you know, I like what you said, you didn't know what to expect when you were getting me. And so I really enjoyed our conversation and our action. And, you know, and I didn't know what I was expecting, you know, when someone ran him up and says, like, I'd like to interview you for some sex stuff. You know, you're like, oh, really? How's this going to be? We took a chance on each other. So I'm glad that it seemed to work. Hey, I'm just kidding. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. And I'm sure we'll be talking again in the future. Well, thank you very much. You have a wonderful night. Thanks. Bye bye.