MsMolly - You are a good egg. Thank you for your kind assistance and guidance. Much appreciated!
Who knows what will come, but it will now be on me and how I comport myself and not on the quick flush of a feeble profile. That's big progress.
It's its entropy and I didn't miss it. I'll just quote myself from a previous post: "In Fantasies, it's entry or entrée..." ;-) (I only use the upside down smile emoji for serious things. Not grammar and punctuation.)
In any case, while I continue to disagree with your usage, I'd be surprised if one person in 100 would even notice and nobody, not even nit-picky people like me, is actually going to mind. So you do you.
I hope you find exactly who and what you're looking for.
MsMolly, I'm surprised my hold on "Entre" slipped past your pedantic brow arch... ;-)
Per your MW definition, "pause" was what I was going for with my ellipses use. Like as if a comma is a day's delay and a semicolon is a six month delay, ellipses imply ... years in comparison. Follow my illogic? Good; now that that's settled... (Insert upside down smiley emoticon)
I hear you on the importance of proper grammar, but like life language is constantly evolving. Maybe I'm on the leading edge of it's entropy? A leader for the hazy future...
All right, mister. You thought I was overly blunt before? Hah. No. I take my punctuation and grammar very, very seriously and you are not using ellipses correctly. So, right now your signature is rather like trying to jam a gecko and a cantaloupe into one line whilst working to convince me they belong there. ;-)
Seriously. Although kinda not, because who goes to war over grammar. But, no, you're not using the ellipsis correctly in "guy... interrupted." Here's why, from Merriam-Webster:
Definition of ellipsis
1a: the omission of one or more words that are obviously understood but that must be supplied to make a construction grammatically complete
b: a sudden leap from one topic to another
2: marks or a mark (such as … ) indicating an omission (as of words) or a pause
There's actually no omission or pause between the two words. Also, it's a variation on "Girl, Interrupted, " which is correctly punctuated. When alluding to something or making a play on words, there's a good argument for following the format of the original.
Why, yes, I do know the definition of pedantic. ;-)
Thank you very much for the awesome editorial advice and counsel (and feedback, too)! I'm pleased with my profile now, when I used to gnash my teeth at it.
Moving to the big screen to edit was eye-opening. Let me be me, not just two thumbs and squinting eyes battling a two line box.
I made most of the suggested changes - but had to keep the ellipses. I dig them like I do the upside down smiley emoticon. They are practically my e-signature ...
Navybluewho, this is a very different and (I hope) much more representative profile for you. It's definitely more vibrant and gives multiple entry points for conversation starters. I have some nits to pick, but overall I think it's terrific.
The nits (no, not talking about the other two gentlemen posting here ;-) )
In Fantasies, it's entry or entrée, I'd leave out the ellipsis entirely and just make it "guy interrupted," and I'd leave out the commas bracketing presently (and I love me some commas, so they really must not belong).
In Additional comments, I'd leave out that "however" at the end of the first sentence and it's "I can host."
And I'm done, because even I can't find anything else wrong. Although, after thinking of it overnight, I think you can just do really heavy blurring and keep the photo. It's just too good to toss.
As for the other two of you, you should have sufficient experience to figure out what goes where:
Yep, I sleep in it. August, you said? And thankyouverymuch. ;-)
Ha! Yes, I have multiple Certs that that’s very nearly the case. Can bake an amazing apple pie, however.
Thank you, too, for your help! Getting off of my phone was a huge help in spiffing up my profile.
And now if I lived closer I'd be sending you an email asking which four states you haven't been to that aren't on your bucket list!
Only thing that sounds odd to me is your cooking ability - do you mean that you can't cook to save your life?
Solid gold stuff here, I should have visited the forums months ago!
Between a certification and a flirtification, think I'd prefer achieving the latter. Well played, both.
I re-edited my profile as MsMolly suggested. Nice, sharp edits she spun in but 4 minutes - a red pen pro! Also thanks to everyone else who commented; very thankful for your insights of all kinds!
Y’all should just get a room...again!
Below is what can only be described as one rather nice flirtification!
Please, carry on ;-)
BT
Sorry... MsMolly is easy on the eyes too!
Among other things...
Thanks. You might want to register yours as a not at all deadly weapon. ;-)
Gee, you didn't mention that I'm easy. I appreciate that.
@ MsMolly... so that’s what’s on your mind when you brush your teeth. Well you do have a great smile!
MsMolly is sexy, sensual and above all beautiful both inside and out. It’s been a true pleasure getting to know her both through the forums as well as in the flesh. When we finally were able to spend an evening together it was pleasurable both in and out of the bedroom. My time with MsMolly was both intellectually and physically stimulating.
Thanks MsMolly - I knew things needed rearranging but just couldn't figure out what to move!
That was just for typing. I thought about it the entire time I was brushing my teeth.
Do you think this would help or hurt?:
If you're looking for someone so persuasive you find yourself doing things in a parking lot that get you a standing ovation from a guy in an apartment across the way, you've found him. Also, his profile name is accurate.
;-)
MsMolly... you typed all that in 4 mins? GoodGolly!
Speaking of collecting a cert... ;-)
Hi. I only have about four minutes, so I have no time for niceties. I do mean well, just lack diplomacy. You continue to resist putting things where they belong, but I think you have most of the ingredients. However, there are actually good, rather subtle reasons for respecting the way in which different sorts of information fit in different sections.
So, in Looking For, what you have is fine, but follow it with the first two lines from Fantasies.
The first paragraph in Description belongs in Fantasies, before the sentence that starts, "My experiences beyond..."
The second paragraph would be improved if you just owned the description. I am, rather than I am often described as, and then divided off the rest of it from "This is more about the people..." and stuck that in Additional comments. Then follow it up with a paragraph about what kinds of things you like and are interested in that are not sex.
In Additional comments, where you will now have two paragraphs, what you have now is good as the second paragraph, but please remove the current first sentence.
So, a small addition and some rearranging and I think you're good so far as text is concerned.
I really like your current photos, but I also think you need a few more. Do smile and do consider having those photos be of you doing something interesting or in front of an interesting background.
That's all I have. I hope you have very good luck going forward. Also, collect a cert as soon as you can, because it will help.
I get a pretty good sense of your personality now (love the bow tie) but still have no idea what we'll talk about. You need a few sentences that let us know what you are interested in - photography, painting, pottery, travel, gardening, cooking, etc.
I think a few things might be better in different sections but can't really put my finger on it.
Rebooted my profile.
As before, I welcome the critiques. Thanks
These are great comments and I appreciate both the insights and the efforts to provide them!
I don't take offense. Thoughtful criticism is welcomed; I can handle it and your insights will help me craft the best profile I can muster.
This is a very different writing style than I have ever tried before. I can be more direct - just didn't want to tip over that line into the eye-roll ravine. I will re-craft and check back in - thanks again!
When I made up the present version of my profile several years back, it was done after looking at the profile of other single males. I mainly saw what not to write and took pointers from the profiles of those SMs who had positive feedback / certs from my target audience, single females and the occasional couple. I then put myself in the shoes of my target audience and wrote something that if I were them, would not be turned off by.
Hi. If you've read through other threads here and thought, hey, it seems like they're a little tougher on single men, you're correct. There's actually a reason for that. It's the largest group, the one least sought after, and the place where improvements in their profiles lead most directly to improvements in the number and type of connections they make. Seriously, if single women aren't too picky about their playmates, they don't need more than a photo of their tits and about 12 words and they're be fighting people off daily. Couples have to work harder and single men need to work harder still.
That long prelude was so you'd clearly understand the problem when I tell you there's nothing wrong with your profile, but there isn't much right about it either. So, let's go through it section by section.
Tagline - It's fine, but this is a good place to amp up the impact. So, go for clever. If that doesn't come naturally (I suspect it does), then go searching profiles a thousand miles from home and steal one.
Looking For - I like the use of the word "connection," but I think you'd be better served making it plural and then weaving it into something that talked about the actual people you're looking for. What you have now is both impersonal and a bit bland, plus you use the term like minded, which is a meaningless cliché that tells no one what you're actually looking for. This is a place for some specificity, for both who and what you want. Don't duplicate what you have elsewhere, but you can find another way to say the same thing differently.
Description is a good start, but I'm left not having more than a notion of who you are as a person. I think it's the list format that is creating some distance. If that's a fair reflection of you as a person, good job capturing it, but it won't serve you here. Show up. Use robust language to describe yourself and don't undercut it the way you have with "mildly (?) kinky..." Start out with either I am or I'm and see if the tone and description changes any.
Fantasies confuses me, since most of it doesn't belong here. It's useful information and the only place you show all the way up (at least in the first paragraph - you've backslid at the end). I think the first paragraph could be successful moved to Additional comments, particularly if you lose the first sentence in that section and tack the second on at the end.
If you add the word "me" after the "Threesomes..." thing, that's an improvement. Right now, you have distance. These things intrigue. That's nice. Own it and say they intrigue you. Then give some detail what experience you have, whether it's some or none.
Also, have you thought about your age range? Twelve years on either side is fine, obviously, but it's a weird number.
Oh, and on photos, have a reason for your partial nudity, please. It's heading into summer, so that shouldn't be too difficult.
Good luck and please come back after you've made some changes.
Yeah - composing a profile when you can only see a line or so at a time has got to be painful. Even with a big screen on my phone I don't use it for much other than a phone - tiny type is not my friend. ;-)
Personally I recommend composing off-line - copy your text into a word processor and compose at your leisure. You'll probably have a better spell check & grammar check and you don't have to wait for approval before making that improvement you thought of immediately after saving.
Gulp... But thanks for the helpful perspective. I read someone else's comment to the effect "get off the phone to compose your profile!" Going to try the computer and see if I can't spin a better story when I can actually see more than a line or two of text.
I can't say I really get much sense of who you are or what you're about from your profile.
